Fantasy Baseball Advice

This is the part of this story that is supposed to grab the reader.  I don’t believe in all the handy hullabaloo.  I will be too worried about doing it in a fashion that is in the form of an inverted W and having other people critique it and say I am an injury risk going forward.  That stuff just isn’t for me.  So we are at the quarter post of the season already, fast right?  So this week we have a good gaggle of guys that will bring your fantasy baseball roster some prosperity.  Personally, I am tempering expectations and want to be whelmed not under/overwhelmed.  Because I don’t think I can handle all the burden of being over/under-anything.  Seems like a much ado about nothing to me.  Holy tangent, sorry.   Well, enjoy the week to come and happy rostering.  Catch you all on the flip, and by flip,  I mean next Saturday.  (Please keep in mind that pitchers and matchups change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

5/22

J.A.Happ vs CHC – Wood

Felix Doubront @ Bal – Matusz

5/23

Andy Pettitte @ KC – Mendoza

5/24

Randall Delgad0 @ Cin – Bailey

Joe Blanton @ STL – Westbrook

5/25

Anthony Bass @ NYM vs Gee

5/26

Wei-Yin Chen vs KC- Mazzaro

Paul Maholm vs Pit – Correia

TWO START OPTIONS:

Rick Porcello (@Cle vs Jiminez, @Min vs Blackburn) Why is that all the Jersey guys get bums raps?  Oh, I remember now, because all we see is guys on reality show acting a fool and all their professions all seem to be “party hosts.”

Clayton Richard (@STL vs Garcia, @NYM vs Santana) It is Hodgepadre on opposite day.

Patrick Corbin (LAD vs Capuano, Mil vs Wolf) Please keep this spot in the rotation warm.  It will be greatly appreciated.  Thanks.  Signed Skaggs and Bauer.

Tommy Hunter (Bos vs Buchholz, KC vs Paulino) He takes the prize or cake or whatever free stuff they offer with expressions these days for being the guy least owned.  This week’s “Click and Pray” pick o’ the week.

Mike Leake (@Atl vs Minor, Col vs Guthrie) Last start was better, not great but a step in the right direction.  Just don’t stand downwind of him when he pitches. On a positive note, it can’t really get much worse…Can it?

Jerome Williams (@Oak vs Milone, @Sea vs Hernandez) On the road, throwing pitches, from mound-on tops. Yeah, you will now never look at Jerome ever again and not pronounce it Jer-O-Me.  So you’re welcome for that, secret handshake comes later.

Kyle Drabek (TB vs Hellickson, @Tex vs Darvish) You know you have been playing fantasy too long when you call him Doug every time you see him.  Funny, I call E5, Porkchop and he stares at me with disgust.

Kyle Kendrick (Was vs Gonzalez, @STL vs Garcia) I will have a banner at the game.  It will say ‘Go Kyle Kendrick’ and then will add the letter K for every strikeout he gets during the game to the end of his name.  Hoping it’s not 2, because all of sudden 3 K’s isn’t a crowd, it became an affiliation.

Felipe Paulino (NYY vs Kuroda, @Bal vs Hunter) We come for the K’s and hope you don’t take a Mike Leake on our peripherals.  A win would be nice too, but I will take the 12 plus K’s this week and worry about that ERA thingy elsewhere.

R.A. Dickey (@Pit vs McDonald, SD vs Volquez) Rahhhhh, or that’s what I am calling him from now on.  It’s more fun that just saying R and A.  No word back yet from Busta Rhymes’s agent about a cross promotional thing.

Erik Bedard (NYM vs Santana, CHC vs Garza) He is due for a DL stint, I mean he has to eventually.  I will now go to church and count some rosaries for me wishing injury on someone.

Hunter Pence has a patella tendon strain and won’t play until this weekend.  Though, more likely, he’s not playing much more in the regular season.  Don’t you love H2H leagues?  What I don’t understand is how you can fantasy baseball, which is a shizzload more intensive than fantasy football, then leave the end of the season up to luck like it’s fantasy football.  I enjoy my one or two H2H leagues, but only because I have ten roto leagues to offset the silly luck factor of H2H.  You draft a great team, then your first 5 round picks are sitting out in the finals of H2H?  Don’t tell me injuries happen in real baseball playoffs, so this simulates that.  Real baseball is played over 162 games, not week to week on who has, say, the most Holds.  So I like H2H, but don’t make as if its playoff system makes sense.  As for Pence, find someone else to fill in p to the ronto.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Todd Helton – Unlikely to return this season with back issues.  It’s probably because when he sits on his bottom, his back can go to the top of its slide.  Helton Skelton!

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-4 with his 24th steal and 3rd steal in his last 4 games.  Sure, Rockies, now play Young like he’s a rookie scrub who you’re just feeling out, unsure if he can play in the majors.  I hate the Rockies.  Today I’m officially starting the trade Eric Young Jr. to the Twins Campaign.  Gardy will let Young play and run and the M in MI in MN stands for mess.  All money donated to the site will not go to the Eric Young Jr. to the Twins Campaign, but we can pretend it will.

Phil Hughes – Scratched from Wednesday’s start with back issues.  I hope he returned the favor to Brian Cashman.  That’s how the world works, Phil!

Robinson Cano – Hit his 12th HR in the 2nd half to go along with an AVG near .320.  Imagine how much better those stats would be if it weren’t for the HR Derby Win jinx!

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  In case The Wandwagon isn’t mentioned next week, I just want to say with his 3.51 ERA and decent Ks (164 in 184 2/3 IP) he’s proven once again to be a serviceable fantasy starter without the flash.  You’re blue collar, Wandy, and for that I respect you.

Josh Beckett – 7 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Done in by two HRs by Mark Reynolds.  Maybe Godot had the scouting report on how to get him out.

Matt Garza – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  It’s an extravaGarza!

Chase Headley – 0-for-2, 1 RBI and a sacrifice.  Oh yeah, baby, he’s back!

Anthony Bass – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K in Coors.  I’m seriously considering doing a weekly podcast next year and, if I do, the first order of business will be finding someone to compose a Hodgepadre song.  In related news, the Rockies are really phoning it in this September.

Tommy Hunter – Left his start with a strained groin.  Wouldn’t wanna be near his colander.

John Mayberry Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs.  Yes, the Phillies are phoning it in even worse than the Rockies, but the good thing about a team phoning it in is they’ll play guys like Mayberry every day.

Wilson Ramos – 3-for-3 with his 2nd homer in his last three games.  Okay, pop quiz, hotshot!  Who’s gonna be more valuable next year, Wilson Ramos or Jesus Montero?  Laughably obvious?  Or is it?

Brett Lawrie – Out for the year with a fractured finger.  First, House doesn’t win at the Emmys, now this.

Dan Haren – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Might miss his last start after being hit by a liner on the wrist.  His owners get pist.

Peter Bourjos – 3-for-4 with the slam & legs.  Now has 12 homers and 22 steals.  Next year he might be my number one “Get this guy in every league” guy.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see him get to 15 homers and 40 steals.  He’s gonna be Stubbs without the .240 average.

Vernon Wells – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Hey, all you need is a short term hot schmotato and at least I’m not recommending Derrek Lee.  Oh, wait, a second…

Derrek Lee – 3-for-4 with a homer.  Now has three homers in the last 8 days.  Grey’s recommending Derrek Lee again, there goes the neighborhood.

Ross Ohlendorf – 2 IP, 7 ER.  Now has given up 31 earned runs in 33 and a 1/3 innings with a 1.99 WHIP.  Swollendwarf!

Lucas Duda – Left yesterday’s game due to dizziness after crashing into the right field wall.  Forget about moving the fences in, the Mets should move the fences back.

Brent Morel – Hit his 4th homer in the last ten games.  Brent Morel is looking Septacular!

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  This doesn’t have much to do with fantasy baseball (like Swollendwarf does), but does anyone else get the feeling that the Ubaldo deadline trade is gonna be one that the Indians look back on in ten years and regret?

Travis Hafner – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Pick him up and think about the fun you can have at the end of the season when someone looks at your roster and you have Derrek Lee, Vernon Wells and Hafner.  When they ask you how’d you win, you can freak them out by telling them it’s really 2006 and you hope Bob Barker hosts The Price Is Right forever.

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I’m sure you’ll hear more about this when we go over our teams in the offseason, but after we inexplicably dropped Vazquez from our LABR team he’s put up 137 innings, 2.89 ERA, 1.02 WHIP, 9 Wins and 126 Ks.  Pretty much would’ve been leading our team from that point on.  He’s also been the topic of more discussion on IM between Rudy and I than maybe any other player.  Usually goes like this, “F**king Vazquez!”  “I know.”  “Seriously, f**k him!”  “I hate his face.”

Logan Morrison – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games.  He’s just lucky the minor league season is over so he can’t be demoted.

Bronson Arroyo – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Oh, no, he’s endangering his Sigh Young chances!

Brandon Phillips – 3-for-4 with his 12th steal.  Yesterday, he said the Reds would not receive a “homeboy hookup” with his final contract.  Walt Jocketty volleyed back that he just wants to “pay a man his worth and keep it on the heezy.”  Phillips then replied through his translator, Barbara Billingsley, that, “The heezy is for sure, but Beezy needs to get the deezy or else he’s gonna Cherokee fade this piece.”

Let’s all give Scott Sizemore a big “Welcome back.”  Well… Let’s give him a medium-sized “Welcome back…”  Screw it!  Let’s give him a quick “Hey” and a head nod like you give to your sister’s boyfriend that you can’t stand.  It’s not like he’s done all that much in his short time in the majors, but — and unless you’re an alien there’s always a but — who else are you rocking at your middle infidel spot?  Sizemore was hitting in the minors (.408/.495/.605 and 2 homers in 92 PAs).  It’s worth the flyer to see if he can translate minor league success to the majors.  Who knows?  Now that bin Laden’s listening to Gary Glitter’s Greatest Hits in hell, maybe Sizemore can get his bats through customs.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

David Freese – He’s gonna miss nine to twelve weeks.  Or the same amount of time it takes to get a 4-year degree from the University of Phoenix.

Lance Berkman – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Could he win a Triple Crown?  Not unless we’re talking horse racing and he’s a jockey.  He’s 35 years old, hitting .406 and on pace for 50+ homers.  The bottom may not fall out until mid-May or June or July, but he’s gonna slow or get injured at some point.

Albert Pujols – 0-for-2, hitting .241 on the year.  Can someone double check that it’s not Nick Punto wearing Pujols’ jersey?

Kyle Lohse – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  It’s like Dave Duncan pulled out of his hat a dead rabbit.

Mike Stanton – 3-for-5 with his 2nd homer in two days.  Wouldn’t shock me to see him hit 15 homers this month.  Doode is a mollywhopping, pony stick machine.

Tommy Hunter – His groin was cleared for a rehab assignment.  Hey now!

Nelson Cruz – 0-for-5, hitting .225.  When a guy who usually hits well or gets injured isn’t doing either, I get this sick feeling in my stomach that he’s going to get hurt and not even get his usual good hitting stats.  Though that sick feeling could be from the 7-month old cheese I found in my refrigerator.  I can’t resist Camembert!

Brandon McCarthy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks and four unearned runs for the agita-inducing ticker shock.

Josh Willingham – 2-for-4 with his 2nd home run in his last three games.  If you wait until he shows up in Friday’s Buy/Sell, he may no longer be hot.  That’s from my typees to your eyes.  My typees are my fingers.  Please start calling your fingers typees.  Thank you.

Kurt Suzuki – 2-for-4 with his 2nd home run in the last three games.  Do I hear an echo?

Dallas Braden – Had a setback while playing catch.  Debbie Downer does Dallas.

Carlos Gomez – 1-for-3, hitting .236 and a .278 OBP.  On a real baseball note, I’m surprised the Brewers are only 2 games under .500 batting Gomez 2nd in almost 100 ABs in the first month.  Though this will go against what I’m sure many of you think, but I’m not a brain surgeon.  Yet, I could tell you batting Gomez 2nd is idiotic.  How hard is it to fill out a lineup card?  “Let’s see… I think I’m gonna bat the guy with the .278 OBP second.  Oh, and what does OBP stand for again?”

Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I love, love, love, love, LOVE when my entire fantasy staff has to dig my team out of a hole dug by my ace every week.  Speaking of a hole, yeah, that’s Gallardo.

Jair Jurrjens – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  No Ks is usually than but no thans, but Jar-Jar’s dancing through the raindrops and not getting wet.

Alex Avila – Hit his 4th and 5th homers yesterday.  For those about to ask, I’d take Avila over Suzuki.

Jose Valverde – 1 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners.  This could be nothing but the reports in the Razzball comments yesterday said Valverde was struggling and had shoulder issues.  Benoit and Ryan Perry have been blech but are next in line.  I’d be very impressed if Leyland skipped them just because they’re pitching poorly (read: I don’t think it’s likely).  But if he does, we then have the coolest name since Ubaldo, Al Albuquerque, who sounds like either a cartoon character who is a cactus with eyes or a lounge singer.  Al Alburquerque has 16 Ks in 9 1/3 IP.  Yeah, that’s good.

Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-4 with his 11th homer.  Member when I told you every day the first week of the season to pick up Soriano because he’s an April hitter?  Yeah, he still is and this isn’t gonna continue.

Jonathan Broxton – Got the save.  After the game, Selig announced Broxton is the closer.

Garrett Jones – Hit his 6th homer, is on fire and batting third.  Cust kayin’.

James McDonald – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks in Petco, which translates to 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. anyone else in any other stadium.

Aaron Harang – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  This Harangutan couldn’t even get Jane Goddall’s nipples hard.

Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 steals and one knee contusion.  He’s day-to-day which is better than minute-to-minute.

Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, but didn’t get the win because I own him.

Tom Gorzelanny – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a 2.93 ERA and a 0.93 WHIP.  Pitching a tad over his head.  And by tad I mean a shizzton.

Sergio Santos – Picked up a one out save after Chris Sale entered the ninth in a 6-0 game and gave up 2 runs.  Santos is the closer right now and it could stay that way, even with Ozzie calling the shots.

Jenrry Mejia – Tear in his MCL.  Hopefully his 1151 is okay.

Maybe the fuel you need to burn the desire deep in your belly to be a better ballplayer comes from a fresh start. Maybe you need people to tell you you can’t do something before you can do something. Maybe this is how Morgan Freeman really talks and not just in voiceovers. Nyjer Morgan is going to get that fresh start in the city by the bay.  (Green Bay, but whatever.) This throws a bit of a quagmire into the centerfield situation.  If I am indeed using the word ‘quagmire’ correctly.  Roenicke said it’s CarGo Lite’s job to lose.  I think Melvin is lying to us or himself.  Gomez is bad at — hmm, how do I put it?  — baseball.  I think the ABs break down to Morgan getting 350 and CarGo Lite getting 200.  If I had to bet on one, I’d bet on Nyjer.  This doesn’t mean I think he’s terrific either.  He was caught stealing 17 times last year.  That’s A to the Trocious.  Anyway, here’s what else is going on in fantasy baseball:

Roger Bernadina – He’s not at mixed league value yet, but, with the clearing of Morgan, Bernadina now only has to beat Ankiel.  Oh, bee tee dubya, Ankiel’s not good.  I could see Bernadina being one of those guys that goes from not being on anyone’s team to being on everyone’s team by the end of the year.

Mat Latos – Scratched on Saturday due to a sore shoulder, but may not go to the DL.  So far in the Spring Training-thingie-ma-whosie-thing that is going on, Latos has given up 10 earned in 10 innings.  I was not out on a limb when I said you should not draft him in any league this year.  Lots of people were saying this.  If you decided to not heed the words of Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario (Grey Albright, FML), then you probably won’t listen to me now, but you really should try and sell Latos for sixty-five cents on the dollar.  You goofed by drafting him and he’s gonna be dirty, dust balls this year.  At some point in the next two months, you’re gonna have to DL him for 60+ days.  I’m being serious.

Clint Barmes – Out for a month or two with a broken bone in his hand.  Luckily, the Astros have someone who can hit just as well as Barmes with a broken hand, Tommy Manzella.

Tommy Hunter – Will miss over a month with a strained groin.  Looks like we won’t be seeing his O face for a while.  (Speaking of O faces, I hooked up with my first single Mom recently.  All I kept thinking of was Tidwell telling Jerry Maguire not to shoplift the pooty from a single mom.  Okay, that wasn’t all I kept thinking of.  The thing that kept running through my mind was how a child came out of there.  Was like this thing that I had thought of in only one way my whole life suddenly was something else.  Anyhoo!)

Homer Bailey – Will miss two starts on the 15-day DL with a shoulder impingement.  At some point between ranking the top 80 starters and now, I grew sick of Bailey.  Has he ever strung more than three good starts together in his career?  Kinda rhetorical.

Mark Trumbo – Hit his 6th homer of the spring.  You heard it here first, Kendrys is getting Pipp’d out!

Brandon McCarthy – Named the 5th starter in Oakland.  As of right now, not really much here outside of AL-Only leagues.  He could scratch above a 6 K/9 and around a 4.25 ERA if things break right.  Or he could get injured again and be out for the season.  I believe McCarthy is just relieved he wasn’t traded to the Reds.

Aaron Heilman – Was named the D-Backs fifth starter.  I picture he’ll have appeal for match-ups.  For what it’s Wuertz, so far in the spring, Heilman’s been getting emulsified.

Eric Young Jr. – Was optioned to the minor league camp.  All my emoticons are at half-mast.  He’ll come back at some point and do what he was born to do, but for now you have to cut bait.

Mike Leake – Will take over one of the rotation spots freed up by Cueto and Bailey’s DL stints.  As mentioned in the top 80 starters, I’m not a fan of Leake.  No Ks, too many walks.  Maybe in a few years, but right now he’s an avoid like The Noid.

Andrew Cashner – Won the 5th starter spot on the Cubs…er…Silva lost it.  Cashner has nice Ks and is worth an NL-Only flyer, but I’d stay away for now in mixed leagues.  He walks too many people.

Matt Young – Only interesting for those in NL-Only leagues, Young made the team and he has 40 steal speed.  Right now, he’s just depth, but he’s worth keeping an eye on in case McLousy returns to form or if there’s an injury.

Joe Nathan – Will start the season as the closer, but this can change at a moment’s notice.  Keep cuffing Capps. (Alliteration in lieu of wit!)

Ryan Doumit – Snyder might have to open the season on the DL, so Doumit could see everyday ABs.  I’d say he could run with the job, but that would likely injure him too.  Maybe he can walk with the job.

Brad Lidge – Will open the season on the DL due to shoulder pain.  Shocker!  Exclamation Point Police, “That’s sarcastic, we get it.  A period would’ve conveyed the same.”  I’d grab Madson and hope he can suppress his Cuddle Boy tendencies.  Contreras, the AARP Man of the Year, could also see save chances.  Charlie Manuel said, “I’ve had more closers than a dog has fleas.  Now watch as I smash my thumb with a hammer so I forget about my toothache.”  BTW, Charlie Manuel’s old timey-isms made their way to the fantasy baseball team name generator.

Donnie Murphy – Looks like the Marlins went an entirely different way than I thought they would.  Bonifacio will be the super futility man and Donnie Murphy, who sounds like a Boston police officer — C’mon, Murph!  We ain’t causing no harm! — will be the 3rd baseman.  He’s useless in all leagues that needs things like hitting and whatnot.

Yunesky Maya – Sent down to Triple-A.  When Riggleman was asked why he chose Gorzelanny and not Maya, he said, “We’re trying to tire the opposing coach when filling out the scorecard.”

Chris Dickerson – Weird move by the Brew Crew to trade Dickerson to the Yankees for Mitre.  Unfortunately, any sneaky sleeper value Dickerson once had goes out the window.  He’s not the type of player the Yankees give any significant playing time to, i.e., he’s a good player with no name recognition.

Bronson Arroyo – Has mono.  Too bad his guitar playing is in stereo.

As I’ve been saying for the last month, Neftali Feliz will be the closer and he doesn’t have syphilis.  Now stop experimenting on him!  Feliz shoots all the way back up to the top of the Donkeycorns and can/should/verb be the top closer in the game by the end of the season.  This also means Matt Harrison will be a starter.  And to that I say, “I enjoyed your work on Falcon Crest.”  Matt Harrison shall be now known as the Lone Ranger, as in he’ll be the lone Ranger that no one drafts.  Anyway, here’s some other fantasy baseball news:

Tommy Hunter – Suffered a groin strain.  I know too well about those!  Oh, wait, no I don’t.  *blushes*  Maybe they’ll put Neftali back in the rotation.  I’m kidding!  They’ll probably use Dave Bush.  Um, yikes.

Matt Dominguez – Out as the Marlins 3rd baseman so that leaves…. Drum roll, please.  Wes Helms, Greg Dobbs and Emilio Bonifacio.  Drum roller, “I can’t believe I’m drum rolling this crap.  I once drum rolled Fonzie setting a world record by jumping over 14 garbage cans on a motorcycle!”  My best guesstimate for playing time will be Wes Helms gets 300 ABs, Emilio gets 150 and Dobbs gets gobs of sunflower seeds stuck in his teeth.  It’s not a pretty blahtoon and should be avoided at all costs.

Chase Utley – Will start the season on the DL.  I imagine he will start May on the DL.  And June.  And July.  And… Well, you get the picture.  I wouldn’t draft Utley this year.  Not worth the ulcer.

Scott Rolen – Big injury wheel keeps on turning…Rolen, Rolen, Rolen hurt his fingers.  Rolen almost managed to get out of spring training without an injury.  He had to leave yesterday’s game after getting hit on the hand as he was unable to grip the bat.  Still TBD if this is serious but it didn’t seem like it was DL-worthy.  If it is, Juan Francisco likely makes the team and gets most of the starts.  (Please let Juan Francisco start for the Reds for our LABR team.  Reds-a-roni!)

Kevin Correia – Will be the Pirates Opening Day starter.  Correia?  Who is running Pittsburgh — Kim Jong-il?

Freddy Garcia – Will be the Yankees fifth starter.  We’ll see what Freddy Garcia shows up:  This one or this one.

Joe Nathan – As I said in Tuesday’s Closer Look, he’s been awful.  Wouldn’t be surprised if his job gets *pinkie to mouth* Cappsized, at least in the first few weeks.  Actually, here’s what I see happening.  Nathan gets torched and Capps saves a few games while Nathan works things out.  Then Nathan returns, gets torched again and, finally, the Twins send him to the Disgraceful List.

Lorenzo Cain – Melky Effin’ Cabrera is putting a hurt on Team Grey.  Looks like Cain is going to start the year in the minors.  And, even if he doesn’t, Melky’s locking up the center field job on the Royals.  Melky, I like your name, I do not like what you’re doing to Lorenzo Cain.  You’re on notice.

Cody Ross – The boo-boo on the moo-moo is going to have Ross shelved for 3 weeks.  Nate Schierholtz should see most of the time in right.  He’s pretty much waiver wire fodder in NL-Only leagues unless he’s hot.

Casey McGehee – Got hit by a pitch and was carted off the field.  X-rays showed he should be fine for the start of the season.  X-rays also found a misplaced remote control.

Justin Duchscherer – Orioles said he’d start the season on the DL.  Hate to be one for semantics, but I think they meant he’d spend the season on the DL.

Brent Morel – Will be the White Sox opening 3rd baseman, but he should be avoided in all leagues.  Though Morel does seem like a funghi!

Mike Minor – As reported here first after reading it elsewhere, Beachy will be the fifth starter.  Minor should change his name, aptronyms (Word of the day!) will get you every time.

Jair Jurrjens – Sticking with the newly established Braves starting rotation theme, Jar-Jar left yesterday’s game because of pain in his side.  Jar-Jar said, “Meesa tinks me side hurts me now.”  Braves are saying he’ll be fine for the start of the season.  Okay, but he’s injury prone and I think we see Minor and Beachy in the rotation before too long.

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu is going to start the year on the DL because he has stomach issues stemming from a slow digestive tract.  His body treats all food like maraschino cherries and gum.  Food for Franklin Gutierrez is like last season for the Mariners.  Difficult to digest.