Fantasy Baseball Advice

The royal we just went over the top 20 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  For those that skipped the title, this post is the top 40 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  If you’re looking for the hitters, it’s under the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings, which is also at the top of the page.  Barring unusual circumstances, I usually try to grab two starters from this list of twenty.  So I’ll have one starter from the first twenty and two from this, which gives me three.  Math’s been berry, berry good to me!  Anyway, here’s the top 40 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball:

21. Daniel Hudson – This tier started in the top 20 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This tier goes from here until Anibal.  I called this tier, “Am I crazy with these rankings?  Yeah, crazy like a fox!”  In 2011, Hudson’s K/9 was 6.85 as he struck out only 169.  That seems like the absolute basement and I’m banking on him striking out quite a few more guys in 2012.  In Triple-A, he had a K/9 of 10.41 and in 2010 he had 7.93 in the majors.  He had the third fastest, um, fastball in the Senior Circuit, but hitters made decent contact with pitches outside of the strike zone.  I expect that’ll change in 2012 and he’ll bump up his K-rate by at least 1.  To show my love, I almost put him in the top 20 starters.  Instead, he’s in an extended tier that started there.  I can only give so much love.  2012 Projections:  14-8/3.40/1.18/190

22. Jordan Zimmermann – I’ve ranked Zimmermann on the high side, but I was thinking about how it probably won’t matter.  Last year everyone and their lunch had an ERA under 3.  If that happens again, and I see no reason why it won’t, then there will be dozens of pitchers to own.  You’ll probably be able to draft Greinke, Zimmermann and wait seventy picks.  I’ll go over more about drafting strategy later.  As for Zimmermann, the K-rate will be better this year and if he holds the gains he made with his walk rate, he might just be a top 10 pitcher this year.  Yes, the Nats will be good.  2012 Projections:  14-6/3.25/1.15/170

23. Matt Garza – In 2009, Garza had a K/9 of 8.38 for the Rays.  I mention this so it doesn’t seem that outlandish to think he can repeat his K/9 from last year of 8.95.  Is he as sexy a name as the others in this tier?  Nope.  Can he be as productive?  Maybe more so.  I wouldn’t let it worry me too much that Epstein seems absolutely dead set on moving Garza.  Shizz happens as Forret Gump invented, don’t let it play too much into your drafting.  2012 Projections:  12-10/3.40/1.25/190

24. Anibal Sanchez – I shocked myself with this ranking.  Nearly fell off my Barclay Lounger!  Anibal was that good last year?  He (she?) was!  His K/9 of 9.26 and BB/9 of 2.93 were the best rates of his career.  Is there a chance he goes back into the junk drawer this year?  I guess, but why?  He’ll be 28 years old and entering his third full year, if you exclude his early years when he bounced back and forth between the minors and majors, battling injuries.  I love Anibal this year and I’m not sure if that should make me feel uncomfortable because of his gender-confusing first name.  I’m gonna type up a manifesto about my Anibal love in the weeks to come.  I may even type it up using only the blinks of my eyes to show how dedicated I am.  He is the Marlins’ ace.  Screw Josh Johnson and the stretcher he rode in on!  2012 Projections:  15-8/3.50/1.24/190

25. Josh Johnson – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Hanson.  I call this tier, “The ‘perts that are taking these guys are puff, puff, puffing; I’m passing.”  Josh Johnson and his porn star brother, Gosh, can show up at my house and plead their case for me drafting Johnson, and I will not.  Because of injury risk, I’m down on Johnson.  Okay, maybe I could’ve reworded that.  Someone can tattoo how healthy Johnson will be this year on the inside of my eyelids and I’ll ignore it.  I will not read one single “He’s healthier than he’s ever been in his life!” report from Spring Training.  Maybe we’ll see each again in 2013.  For now, I’m like John Bobbitt and I’m without Johnson.  2012 Projections:  10-3/2.75/1.05/100 in 110 IP

26. Ian Kennedy – My feelings against Kennedy aren’t quite as extreme as Johnson.  He’s just being overdrafted because of his 21 wins from last year.  If he had 15 wins, no one would’ve said anything about him not being in the top 20.  Who knew there were so many Murray Chasses (Chassi?) out there.  He’ll be lucky to get 15 wins this year.  Also, you throw in the fact he’s more of a 3.50 ERA pitcher than a 2.88 ERA that he was in 2011 and it’s yet another reason to avoid.  Will he shat the bed?  I guess it depends on what he eats, but I doubt it.  He made improvements on his K-rate and walk rate, but I still don’t trust him for where he’s being drafted and won’t pay the price.  And for all those haters who think I’m stupid for avoiding Kennedy, I go back to the fact there are a gazillion, give or take a million, starters to choose from.  If I’m having concerns about one guy, you’ll excuse me if I avoid him and take one of the other gazillion (plus or minus a million) pitchers.  2012 Projections:  15-10/3.50/1.12/180

27. Yu Darvish – I already went over my Yu Darvish fantasy.  It’s sexy and I know it.  2012 Projections:  14-7/3.60/1.10/190

28. Josh Beckett – Red State Jeter is just too flaky for me.  One year — 2.89 ERA; another year — 5.78 ERA.  What he actually is is (stutterer!) a 3.75 ERA pitcher.  What side of the 3.75 ERA bed Beckett wakes up no one knows, except for maybe some country singer no one’s ever heard of.  2012 Projections:  14-9/3.60/1.20/185

29. Ricky Romero – For full disclosure purposes — or porpoises if dolphins are reading — I almost put Romero in the sexy name tier.  He seemed to fit in there better than Garza, but when it came down to it, I wanted Garza more than I wanted Romero.  Last year, Romero had an ERA of 2.92 but an xFIP of 3.80.  Romero — what a joker!  His K-rate two of the last three years has been 7.13 and 7.12.  Um, they’re okay.  Finally, a cool name and an uncanny resemblance to LL Cool J does not make him sexy for fantasy.  Sorry, RR Cool Jay.  2012 Projections:  13-12/3.75/1.20/170

30. James Shields – Shields and Beckett are tomato-tomato with a different emphasis.  Good Ks, all over the map with their ERAs.  What I’m looking for from starters is the most trustworthy names I can find (even if Gallardo and Greinke don’t feel trustworthy).  Like a 1800′s soldier who just saw his first gun fired, I just don’t trust Shields.   2012 Projections:  13-11/3.70/1.25/190

31. Tommy Hanson – I felt like mmmdropping Hanson even lower, but settled on him here in a tier where I’m saying others are drafting these guys before me, i.e., I won’t own them, I before E except in Teixeira, I hope everyone can follow to not draft Hanson.  Think Hanson can be a Cy Young-type for many years, but I don’t trust his shoulder to be right this year.  I doubt 200 regular season innings is going to improve that.  2012 Projections:  9-7/3.75/1.20/130 in 120 IP

32. Matt Moore – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Luebke.  I call this tier, “Yummo!”  I already went over my Matt Moore fantasy.  I wrote it while buying a Pacman-shaped potato chip on eBay.  2012 Projections:  10-7/3.15/1.20/160 in 150 innings

33. Max Scherzer – I already went over my Max Scherzer 2012 fantasy.  There’s lots of love in that post.  If you read it in the dark, you can almost feel my erection.  2012 Projections:  14-8/3.70/1.30/195

34. Ubaldo Jimenez – Look at me giving Ubaldo another chance.  I’m one forgiving ess oh bee (except when it comes to Brian Bonsall ruining Family Ties).  Last year Ubaldo held his K-rate from his terrific season in 2010, but just had a bit of crappy luck.  I don’t expect a sub-3 ERA, but he’s also not the 4.68 ERA guy he was last year.  If I’m right, this is good news for all the Colorado-area parents that named their kids after Ubaldo back in 2010.  The bad news, they have to move to Cleveland.  2012 Projections:  13-10/3.65/1.27/190

35. Shaun Marcum – Member when March Grey said Marcum would start the 2011 All-Star Game?  What a dog-faced fool!  March Grey, “There’s more of me in you than you care to admit!  All of you!”  Look at you grandstanding like you’re Al Pacino.  March Grey, “Hoo-ah!”  Marcum didn’t take a step forward last year like I thought he might with the move to the NL, but he still performed admirably and if he has even the slightest of gains, he’ll have a great year.  If he just repeats last year, it’s still solid.  2012 Projections:  12-8/3.60/1.17/160

36. Brandon Beachy – Here’s a guy that could jump to the top 10 for next year or bomb and become a sleeper for 2013.  If he can turn in 170 innings with his 10+ K/9, you’re looking at a pitcher that is going to exceed this ranking by a lot.  If something sophomore slumpy happens, then you’re gonna have a wasted draft pick on your virtual hands.  Of course, his season may not be that cut and dry and be somewhere between those two predictions.  But what fun is that?  (BTW, there’s no reason to ask why Beachy is below other guys that have worse projections.  Beachy has more risk because of the lack of track record, hence the ranking.)  2012 Projections:  12-7/3.45/1.18/190 in 170 innings

37. Brandon Morrow – I already wrote a Brandon Morrow 2012 fantasy sleeper post.  A real snoozer in the inverse.  2012 Projections:  13-9/3.85/1.28/210

38. Cory Luebke – Out first appearance of a Hodgepadre in the starter rankings.  I can’t believe I haven’t written a sleeper post on Luebke yet, but that’ll all change after I fill my Adderall prescription.  Last year, Luebke had a K-rate of 9.92 and a xFIP of 3.02.  You need more?  You shouldn’t.  But fine, for you anything!  He can control his walks to the tune of under a 2 BB/9, as he did in the minors.  He’s only 26 years old (as of this writing) and he pitches in Petco.  When I say giddy, you say up.  Giddy… Up!  Giddy… Up!  P. Diddy… Up!  Fooled you.  2012 Projections:  9-8/3.25/1.09/170

39. Chris Carpenter – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the top 60 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  I call this tier, “Might be fine, won’t be fine on my teams.”  I’ve never been a fan of Carpenter.  His Ks are solid, his ERAs are solid, his WHIPs are solid.  My dislike is unwarranted, basically.  Right?  Or not right?  He’s only topped 200 Ks once in his career and that was back in 2005 when he threw 241 2/3 innings.  Anyone who owned him last year when he was 1-7 with a 4.47 ERA and a 1.39 WHIP as of June 17th, probably won’t go near him this year either.  We can be friends.  Wait by your phone, I’ll call you.  2012 Projections:  13-10/3.65/1.25/165

40. Johnny Cueto – I’ve liked Cueto since he emerged on the scene.  Liked him even more when he Zabka’d LaRue.  We’re gonna take a break this year.  His peripherals last year were a mess.  6 K/9, 3.90 xFIP, crazy low BABIP… Crouching Cueto, Hidden Dragon Breath Stats.   2012 Projections:  11-6/3.80/1.25/130

The Big Donkey, Adam Dunn, was a big ass.  Carlos Quentin’s status is TBD even when we know the ETA which we don’t right now.  This leaves Dayan Viciedo playing.  It’s addition by the subtraction of Ozzie’s choices.  “Can Brent Lillibridge play first and third at the same time?”  Things Ozzie has recently asked his bench coach.  Viciedo was always a top Cuban raftee and, through his first four games, he has a homer, steal and is batting .538.  Maybe we shouldn’t defrost Ted Williams’ head just yet, but you don’t need Mapquest to know he’s going in the right direction.  Not to mention, I’m not even sure Mapquest still exists.  Start a viable service and Google will take you over.  I like your concept, Groupon, I will now do the exact same thing.  With Viciedo’s 3rd base eligibility, he’s worth a flyer anywhere you need a corner infidel.  That’s right, patch Dayan into your team for Golda Meir.  (If you didn’t need to Google that last line, props to you.)  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Jack Hannahan – Perennial Carson favorite hit three homers in two days this week and .420 (stoner!) in August.  Didn’t hurt that he brought his liger to the clubhouse to scare Lonnie Chisenhall.

Kyle Seager – Last week I suggested he was like Omar Infante.  We’ll call him Omar Little.

Omar Infante – Speaking of the devil.  He’s been relatively hot recently.  If your relative is hitting near .300 over the last week.

Luke Hughes – Has four homers in the last week.  Maybe you should pick him up.  That’s my Hughes clues.

Dee Gordon – Guess who’s back?!  Dee Gordon, man (and three girl readers).  C’mon, that was easy.  His name is in front of this blurb.  If you need speed, Dee Gordon’s like Jeff Gordon without the car.  I have no idea if that makes sense.  I don’t know Nascar.  I’m guessing there are cars though since it’s in the name.  It’s not Nasbicycle.

Cliff Pennington – Hitting near .400 over the last week and has three steals in the last five games.  Plus, if you have a category in your league for Players That Sound Like They Should Be Wearing Plaid Pants, Cliff Pennington wins you that category.

Jose Altuve – Through 154 ABs, he has 2 homers, 4 steals and he’s hitting .305.  So, of course, his ESPN ownership went down from 9% to 7.4% this week.  I’m guessing Craig Biggio owns 20,000 fantasy teams and is bitter.

Mike Trout – 4 homers and batting .400 since his recall.  He’s a bit green, Scioscia may not play him, which has me blue, but if you don’t add him, you’re yellow.  And that’s my rainbow Trout.

Brandon Allen – I was thinking to myself, “Grey, there’s no reason to mention Allen this week.  He must already be over 50% owned in ESPN.  Also, could you scratch your back?  I’m itchy.  Thanks!”  Turns out Allen is nowhere near 50% owned.

Austin Jackson – I’m not a fan of a leadoff hitter with a sub-.320 OBP.  Rickey Henderson says, “Rickey Henderson says amen!”  But Jackson is currently hot, hitting near .400 over the last week.

Leonys Martin – I just went over my Leonys Martin fantasy.  I wrote it while sipping a Mint Julep, wearing a big floppy hat.

Alejandro De Aza – This is a pretty tentative buy.  He has been hot, but I think that could end by the time I finish this sent–

David Murphy – He’s the type that is unownable for the better part of a season then becomes relevant.  I wouldn’t put Baby Boo-Boo’s college fund on it, but I think he’s about to go through one of those relevant stretches.

Jordan Schafer – I wouldn’t pick up Schafer outside of a NL-Only league.  I don’t like where he’s playing, not a huge fan of his but he does provide some speed and a bit of Zimmermania.

Brandon McCarthy – Last game, he K’d 10.  He hasn’t had one month over a 4.00 ERA all year.  As for his lousy record… Too many Urkels on his team, that’s why his wins low.

Javier Vazquez – Hey, I was burned by him too.  I get it.  But he’s been good for two months now.  Stop being a pill and pick him up.

Doug Fister – Usually the lack of Ks is a problem — a than but no thans, but over his last 21 2/3 IP he has 18 Ks.  So that’s an old issue of Fister’s Journal, which I do not subscribe to and would not Google.

Bobby Parnell – You know what the kids in Washington Park say about this part of the Buy section?  Coca, puff-puff, SAGNOF!

Sergio Romo – You can’t tell me the whole time he was growing out his beard it wasn’t some kind of All About Eve plot brewing behind the scenes.  Just happens that Wilson gets hurt and Romo jumps in to replace him and all the windyweather fans in San Fran are like, “Hey, our touristy beards we bought at the souvenir stand still work!”  Then again, Santiago Casilla, Jeremy Affeldt or Ramon Ramirez might get saves too.

Steve Cishek – I think he gets the most saves in Florida in September and Nunez has multiple meltdowns.  It’s called a hunch, like how Guy Fieri eats a sandwich.

Jesus Montero – I just went over my Jesus Montero fantasy.  I wrote it while wearing an orange jumper, picking up litter on the side of the highway.

SELL

Freddie Freeman – Had a heck of a season, if you’re the type to use a word like heck.  Almost sorta blasphemy!  Freeman has 18 homers through 5 months.  What’s that?  3.6 homers per month?  It’s worth taking a chance on a hot hitter; you’re not gonna miss out on much with Freeman.  And what on earth does sixth-tenths of a homer look like anyway?

Michael Cuddyer – Another guy who has 18 homers on the year, but this schmohawk is also dealing with a hurt wrist.  Ride or Cuddyer?  I’d ride.

David Freese – He has 8 homers in 266 ABs this year.  So, unless he gets 400 ABs in September, I’m thinking you can move on to a hot schmotato.

Nelson Cruz – This kinda goes for any player that is on the DL.  If you don’t have DL room, lose him and move on.

Alexi Ogando – You guys had a good run.  Get his address and you can send him a postcard.  But get him off your team.

Tommy Hanson – Mmmdrop.

Mitch Moreland – Oh, mamma mia, mamma mia!  Mamma mia, let him go!

Yo, Meteorologist Grey here and I’m standing in Chesapeake Bay to show you how high the water has risen.  It’s usually up to my waist, but, as you can see, the water is now up to my shoulders.  Would I normally be standing in Chesapeake Bay if there was no hurricane?  No, this is for ratings, snitches!  That was it, that was the big news all across the world of baseball this weekend.  How there wasn’t any on the eastern seaboard.  ‘See, bored?’ is more like it.  But there was Justin Verlander winning his 20th game, and locking up the Cy Young.  His line so far 20-5/2.38/0.90/218 in 215 2/3 IP.  Those numbers are sick as in very healthy not sick as in sick.  When you have over 200 innings and more than a K per inning, you deserve the accolades, which only sounds like something you take for an upset stomach.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jimmy Rollins – Won’t return when eligible, i.e., the Phils are coasting into the playoffs and don’t care if any of their regulars play the entire month of September.  Just a friendly reminder that you need to have back-up plans in place if your H2H team is riding Phils like Marlo Thomas.

Rafael Betancourt – The Rockies announced Betancourt would stay in the role of closer even after Street returned, then later that night he blew the save.  Cuddle boy!  Then he came back and recorded the save on Sunday.  I’d keep Betancourt for now, but think he cedes the job to Street in the landmark case of sooner vs. later.

Hanley Ramirez – Will return on Wednesday unless he gets a bee in his bonnet.

Michael Brantley – Will have season-ending surgery on his wrist.  Indians might think about digging up center field and making sure there’s no Brady Bunch tiki idols buried out there.

Jonathan Sanchez – Sounds like he’ll be out for the season.  Safe to drop him.  Could backdate that to June.  You know what’s nice?  Your mustache?  Random Italicized Voice, you giving me lip service?  Is that a pun?  Kinda.  No, what’s nice is at this time of the year you don’t have to contemplate whether or not to wait out a DL stint.  Just drop.

Sergio Romo – Returned to the Giants on Sunday and looks like the favorite to get saves.  BTW, you think when Sergio was in summer camp and wrote his name on his shirt tags that people just thought it was the designer’s name?

Jordan Walden – The Sciosciapath removed Walden on Saturday after he loaded the bases and brought in Takahashi for the save.  I think Walden will continue to get saves for the Los Angeles Not Actually Los Angeles Angels, but if you’re speculating on saves there ya go.

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and a homer.  With Quentin finally hitting the DL, the Pale Hose promoted Dayan Viciedo, a highly touted Cuban raftee.  In Triple-A, Viciedo had a .296 average with 20 homers in 119 games.  He’s in that Delmon-Alfonso-Vlad mold of swinging at just about anything near the plate.  As with Alfonso and Vlad, it hasn’t really hurt his hitting.  He can play all over the field to get at-bats, but, for whatever reason, Ozzie hasn’t really thrust him into a starring role.  If he gets the ABs, see, he’d be good for mixed leaguers — Yo, dawg, I’m a mixed leaguer….Now why won’t girls talk to me? — but until we see Dayan’s PT, I’d only look at him in AL-Only leagues.

Chris Capuano – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 0 walks, 13 Ks.  Feliz Capu anos!

Johan Santana – Now unlikely to return this year.  Really no shocker here.  Hence, my credo not to bother with drafting pitchers in March that are supposed to be out for the majority of the season.  Setbacks happen yadda³.

James Shields – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Sometimes Shields gets a little flaky (7 earned vs the M’s, 10 earned vs. the A’s), but for where you drafted him and his 192 Ks, 2.96 ERA, you’ll take it and like it.

David Price – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 14 Ks.  It’s funny how his season ERA is at 3.40 with a 12-11 record compared to 2.72 ERA and 19 wins last year, but he’s actually pitched much better this year.  Obviously not haha funny, but more like not funny at all funny.

Desmond Jennings – 4-for-5, 2 homers and a steal.  The only real drawback so far with Jennings is I need to buy more Trapper Keepers to write his name in hearts with my sparkle marker.

Joe Mauer – Has been out for five days with a pain in the neck.  How appropriate.

Luke Hughes – 2-for-4, 2 homers on Sunday and a homer on Saturday.  Luke, you are my waiver wire fodder.

Collin Cowgill – 4-for-4, homer, 2 runs 2 RBIs.  Hasn’t been playing every day, but maybe after this big game we’ll get more Cowgill.

Aaron Hill – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer as a D-Back.  He’s fared slightly better than Johnson since the trade.  Perhaps being surrounded by a team of hackers is making him feel more comfortable.

Tommy Hanson – Has a rotator cuff tear.  I once had a cuff tear on my Girbaud jeans and it knocked me out for a day.  Hanson’s cuff tear is not as major as it sounds, but will still knock him out a few weeks (no relation to Jemile).  Can go ahead and drop Hanson in most leagues, i.e., Mmmdrop.

Zach Britton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Britton took down the Yankees revenging The Revolutionary War.  Though I thought exporting The Spice Girls was their payback.

Nelson Cruz – Strained his left hamstring on a double.  His right hamstring said, “I got next!”

Jason Motte – Got the save on Sunday.  Let’s see, Salas’s last two appearances were in non-save situations, then La Russa sends Motte, who hasn’t given up a run in his last 29 appearances, out for the save yesterday.  I think La Russa’s Feathered-Hair-Covered Brain finally made a smart move with his bullpen.  Motte should be the closer.  Now whether he’s the closer or not is up to FHCB.

Jordan Zimmermann – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  About two months ago, I asked whether or not the Nats would shut down Zimmermann at exactly 160 innings if it meant in the middle of the 3rd inning.  They didn’t; they shut him down for the season in the middle of the fifth inning.

Joey Votto – 2-for-5 with two homers.  Joey makes me coo coo roo.

Yonder Alonso – Hit a pinch hit homer yesterday.  Now is hitting .467 with 3 homers in 30 ABs.  Too bad he doesn’t have a position to play.  Rather, Baker starts Fred Lewis, Dave Sappeit and the Winner of a Skyline Chili contest instead of Yonder.

Carlos Lee – Left Sunday’s game with a slight ankle sprain.  Send El Caballo to the glue factory!

Andre Ethier – Said he’s playing with an injured knee all year.  Then the always sympathetic GM Ned Colletti said, “What am I supposed to be concerned about?  That he has those numbers, that he’s hurt or contends he’s hurt?”  Snap in the 0-for-12 formation.  I will say Ned Colletti, aka No Coddle-letti, is refreshingly frank, but I’m not sure today’s athletes respond to it.  Why not just call him Andre the Pissant and wear a shirt that says ‘Obey?’

Matt Kemp – Joined the 30/30 club this weekend.  The gift basket included a free weekend stay at a Howard Johnson.

Aaron Hill and John McDonald were traded to the Diamondbacks for Kelly Johnson.  Regarding the title, each team got to 2nd base with the other.  Nothing to brag about, nothing for the rest of us to get jealous over.  I guess this is what happens when Alex Anthopoulos and Kevin Towers lock themselves in a closet for 7 minutes of trading heaven.  “Can you throw in J.P. Arencibia?”  “What kind of GM do you think I am?”  Maybe Florida and Seattle will trade John Buck for Miguel Olivo.    I’ll trade you this tomato.  Okay, I’ll trade you a tomahto.  Deal.  Sure, I’m taking an extra h on the payroll, but it’s worth it to get that shorter vowel sound into our lineup.  You say tomato, I say tomahto, let’s call the whole deal….on!  This proves one thing, without a doubt, neither team owned Hill or Johnson in fantasy this year.  If this trade happened in one of your fantasy leagues, you’d just be glad you weren’t one of the teams doing the trading.  Neither player is guaranteed to get a boost with the trade and either player could get knocked out of their slump with the new scenery.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Holliday – Monday night he had to have a trainer remove a moth from his ear.  They should try and put a moth in Zambrano’s ear.  Maybe they’ll find a bat.

Alex Rodriguez – Out of yesterday’s lineup with a jammed thumb.  Thumb up the jam, thumb it up while your feet are stompin’ and the jam is pumpin’, look here the crowd is jumpin’.  Sorry, once I start that it’s hard to stop.

Ryan Howard – Out with heel bursitis and the Phils are officially in cruise control mode.  Speaking of which…

Cole Hamels – Reports are that he’s absolutely fine for next week’s start so the Phils put him on the DL in media res.  I’m a broken record with this, if the kids today even know what a record is or what it means to be broken, but how come there’s no rules that you can’t put healthy people on the DL.  Seems like a shortcut at expanding the roster that shouldn’t be allowed.  Now get off my lawn, kid!

Vance Worley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Fair enough, I wouldn’t care about DL’ing healthy Hamels with this kind of depth either.

Raul Ibanez – Received an injection for a sore groin.  Sounds like a line a doctor would deliver in a porn movie.

John Mayberry – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and now has three homers in the last five games.  Even when Ibanez’s groin is better (something you don’t read every day), Mayberry should be starting.  That’s not saying he will be.  In the meanwhile, I would add Mayberry in most leagues while he’s hitting-slash-playing-slash-I just like saying slash.

Colby Rasmus – Left the game with a jammed wrist.  Somewhere, Tony La Russa’s laughing like Nelson Muntz.

Brandon Morrow – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Royals.  FMFBBL

Shin-Soo Choo – 4-for-8, 2 homers in the doubleheader and his 3rd homer in three days as he bats over .400 since his return from the DL.  He’s hotter than a kimchi burrito in Megan Fox’s hand.

Kosuke Fukudome – 5-for-8 with a homer.  He’s on my opponent’s H2H team and said Fukutome.

Kyle Seager – 6-for-9 and a homer in the doubleheader.  Be a good time to mention that the starters in the second game were both peg boys.  Either way, Seager has 2 homers in the last five games, but didn’t show much power in the high minors.  I’d let Seager go.  Like a rock.

Marco Estrada – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He bounced up and down the minors for so long it was like teams were playing Marco…Yo-Yo…  But if you need to take a flyer, he’s a hot hand.

Casey McGehee – Two for his last nine with two homers.  This guy’s like Rich Little impersonating Rob Deer.  And there goes our 18-35 demographic.

Justin Upton – Hit on the elbow by a pitch and left the game.  It’s said to not be too bad.  This is a day after B.J. went down with a shoulder sprain.  Aren’t these things only supposed to happen to twins?

Brandon Allen – 2-for-4 with 2 monster shots.  As frequent commenter, nyydj2 said yesterday, “Brandon Allen just put a monster shot into the upper deck at Yankee Stadium, only the second ball to reach there since it opened. Branyan hit the other…. Which isn’t quite the same as ‘where only Mickey Mantle has ever reached.’”

Logan Morrison – With a .167 average and one homer in Triple-A, the Marlins had seen enough and are recalling Morrison.  Couldn’t they just have easily put a bar of soap in his mouth while he tweeted?  If Morrison was dropped in your league, I’d take a chance that he comes back looking to prove something.  One thing to prove, for instance, that Hanley shouldn’t run the ball club.

Leo Nunez – 2/3 IP, 4 ER and the epic blown save.  This is the kind blown save that makes managers try out Edward Mujica as their closer.  Also, remember Nunez was funky as in bad not funky as in good at the end of last season.

Ross Ohlendorf – 5 IP, 4 ER.  Might want to consider returning to making straight-to-video classics like ‘Dorf on Golf.

Adrian Gonzalez – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  A-gone-gone a-bout time-time.

Eric Hosmer – 3-for-5, with the slam & legs.  In only 385 at-bats so far, he has 11 homers and 7 steals.  This is at the age of 21.  I.e. big things.  I.e. there stands for I expect.

Tommy Hanson – Quite the surprise; Hanson’s bullpen session was cancelled a day after he said his shoulder was fine.  Yup.

Jason Heyward – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and a homer as he fills in for Constanza…Or was Constanza filling in for him?  This is the most confusing re-imagining of All About Eve.

Jimmy Paredes – 1-for-4 and a homer.  The power may stop when he leaves Coors, but he’s worth a flyer for speed in deep leagues.

Aramis Ramirez – 5-for-5 with a double and 4 singles to match David Eckstein’s best game.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Was acquired by the Rockies for cash.  “Here’s a McDonaldland coupon for two apple pies.  You can CONSIDER it as cash.”

David Price – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks as Price got topped by Penny to lose the Showcase Showdown.

Desmond Jennings – 3-for-5 with a caught stealing.  Not cute moving the base 91 feet away.  Not cute at all.

Colby Lewis – 6 IP, 7 ER.  Hopefully Vogelsong doesn’t take this guy’s career trajectory two years removed from Japan.

Alfredo Simon – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks and, better still, he didn’t kill anyone.

Adam Jones – Was hospitalized with shortness of breath and mild chest pains.  Sounds like me after a weekend in Vegas.  Early tests say Jones will be fine.

Rod Barajas – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and now has 3 homers since last Friday.  Aye carambarajas!

Lucas Duda – 1-for-4, homer.  Know one way to stay hot while unattractive in mixed leagues?  Go 1-for-4 with a homer every couple of games.

Jon Niese – To the DL with a rib strain.  After giving up 8 runs, it’s more like the Phils gave him an RBI strain.

Jose Reyes – Set to return Monday.  Though the Mets didn’t say which Monday.  Very tricky, Mets, very tricky.

Angel Pagan – Almost went to the DL because of stomach pains during Monday’s game.  “You’re hitting out of the two hole.  Hitting!”

B.J. Upton went o-for-3 or one-for-four if you count him hitting the outfield wall.  You say unfeeling, I say how dare he start in front of Desmond Jennings.  I sat down to watch this game wearing my dress made of doilies with Desmond Jennings’s face on each doilie, i.e., my Desmond tutu, only to find him benched.  How dare you, sir.  In fact, I’m bringing out the douchey one word per sentence thing.  How. Dare. You. Sir.  Upton’s day-to-day with a shoulder strain.  He’ll probably miss a few days, unless he thinks he’s going to play instead of Jennings.  Then I might have to Gillooly someone.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jeff Niemann – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He was so close to putting together another solid game.  Too bad I don’t have him on my fantasy horseshoe team.

Evan Longoria – 2-for-4 with his 21st homer.  I don’t own him anywhere so my motives are a bit tainted, but I hope he finishes up the year with a sub-.240 average.  If he somehow falls into the 3rd round next year, color me excited.

Jimmy Rollins – To the DL with a Grade 2 strain of the groin.  That’s crazy advanced.  I never strained my groin until, like, the 8th grade.

Cliff Lee – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Mets.  It was so easy that he walked 3 batters just to see what it feels like.

John Mayberry – Another day, another HR.  That’s 11 HRs in 189 ABs this  year.  Raul Ibanez has 5 more HRs in 240 more ABs.  Cust kayin’, Charlie.

Hunter Pence – 2 for 3, 4 runs, 2 RBIs as he clearly is taking to the city of Tastykakes and Cheese Steaks.  It’s got to make Ruben Amaro feel better that his fleecing of Ed Wade isn’t limited to just pitchers (Oswalt, Lidge).

Jose Constanza – Left yesterday’s game with an ankle sprain.  Fredi is probably finding out if Constanza can play on crutches instead of playing Heyward.  Hey, Constanza, the ocean called, it’s running out of non-phenoms.

Tommy Hanson – Said his shoulder feels fine.  You know what I don’t like?  When a pitcher feels the need to say his shoulder feels fine.  Can all pitchers agree to go mum on the whole shoulder business?  Mum is the word, is the word, is the word…

Jonny Venters – Got the save yesterday because Kimbrel had been used a lot recently and Venters had been used a lot recently but Venters’s life coach is Scott Proctor.

Nate Eovaldi – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Reminds me a bit of John Ely when he first was called up.  Hey, whatever happened to John Ely?

James Loney – 7 for his last 8.  Yawn.  Wake me when he gets his homers into the double digits.

Travis Hafner – To the DL with a strained right foot.  He stepped on his old football helmet that was being used as a beer cooler during a recent BBQ.

Ross Detwiler – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Has put together four straight decent starts.  Yes, ‘decent’ is less than a quality start.  I wouldn’t grab him in any league.  Yes, I’m only talking about him because yesterday was a short schedule day.

Adrian Beltre – Ran at 75% yesterday.  I walk at 35% with a cane and a limp while wearing a chinchilla fur coat.

Justin Morneau – Out with a sore foot, but the good news is, depending on whether you own him or not, his x-rays were negative.  The bad news, again dependent on ownership, he’s going for an MRI on Tuesday if his foot isn’t feeling better.  Now try and figure out what you’re hoping for.

Chris Narveson – After throwing 5 1/3 shutout innings, he left his start with a cracked fingernail.  That once knocked my mom out of action for an entire afternoon.  Couldn’t make me lunch or anything.  Godspeed, Narveson.  Maybe you can get an endorsement with Lee Press-On.

Zack Greinke – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Greinkes!  Just when you think it’s safe to start him everywhere every time out, he gets dunderblown by the Pirates.

Alex Avila – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in the last four games.  He’s also hitting .429 in August.  I wouldn’t defrost Ted Williams’s head just yet, but he is having a solid year.

Mike Napoli – 1-for-4 with his 21st homer.  He’s also batting .293 on the year.  Aren’t you glad you got him off your team back in April?  What a relief!

Ben Revere – 1-for-5 but probably made the best play of the year.  Too bad my fantasy league doesn’t have a Web Gems category.

J.D. Martinez – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and 5 for his last nine with a homer.  Must… resist… urge… to… pick… up… Astros… hitters.

Brian Bogusevic – Hit his 4th homer yesterday.  Before you think about picking him up, remember he’s a herbathrowdite.

Ryan Ludwick – 1-for-4 with a homer.  The Pirates trade deadline deal is paying immediate dividends!

Jose Tabata – 5-for-9 in the doubleheader, has now hit in every game since his return with two homers.  He’s at 31% owned in ESPN leagues.  Even assuming 50% of ESPN leagues are abandoned, that figure seems low.

Andrew McCutchen – Sat out the nightcap and Daniel McCutchen got the win.  Wait a second, I saw that episode of Family Ties when Alex had two dates to the prom.  Did Daniel McCutchen enter the game wearing a different color tie?

Starlin Castro – Received a mental day off yesterday.  The Cubs gave Carlos Zambrano 4 mental days off out of 5 and look how well that turned out.