Yesterday, Francisco Liriano went 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 13 Ks with zero walks. Insert the madman cackle of Francisco Liriano’s owners who owned him up until last night when he had a 5.11 ERA. He had 13 Ks without a walk! This came from a guy who had a 5.7 BB/9 coming into the game. That’s not bad. No, no. You think that’s bad? You should swipe right on Tinder the next time you come across a thesaurus if bad’s all you got. That’s effin’ egregious. That’s the 1980’s Lower East Side before Donald Trump fixed the entire New York City as narrated by Jon Voight. That’s the worst walk rate since Todd Van Poppel’s walk rate of 6.87 in 1994. Since 1980, there’s only been walk rates of 5.7 or worse four other times. In 36 years! Jesus, 36 years? I’m getting old. This start came against the Brewers who have struck out more than any other team in the major leagues. So, nice start, but I wouldn’t go near him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Sometimes you ask and you shall receive and in that vein, I begin this month’s Razznasty update. Now I know the two questions you’re asking, what did you ask for and receive? And which vein? First, it’s the main vein, you know the one in the middle…. Secondly, I asked our very own Hippo in the bush Matt Truss to make a push in the standings over the course of June so I could name the next update “Can’t Truss It”. Done and done. I told Mr. Truss-ah Truss that I’d dress as Flavor Flav from this video while I wrote it. Truss, that I held up my end of the bargain, picture me decked out in white tuxedo with top hat and Batman glasses. Unfortunately I can’t share with all of you due to a shortage on the correct cartridges for my vintage Polaroid Sun 600. Sorry boys, and whatever number of girls are reading this year. I believe we were up to five, but we might have lost a few after the Jose Canseco interview. There’s nothing that upsets the ladies more than invasive question about Madonna’s early 90’s sperm brokering. Enough of the bollocks, onto the Razznasty update for June. Dynasty League Baseball at it’s finest.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Noah Syndergaard admitted to having an elbow bone spur after denying it multiple times. Terry Collins said, “No one would know our business if it wasn’t for giving the PR job to a puppy dog! Ruff ruff! Come here, Fido, I wanna spank you with a rolled up newspaper!” This is the 2nd Mets’ starter in two days with elbow spurs. I look forward to the opening round of the playoffs when all of the Mets’ starters are wearing Iron Mike Sharpe elbow pads to hold their arms together. Or they hire John Cusack to marionette their starters. So, this is obviously not good news from Syndergaard, but it’s also not the end of his season. He could opt for surgery if he’s in pain, but he says he’s not in pain (though, he also said he didn’t have elbow spurs up until yesterday). Jon Lester has pitched through elbow spurs for the last five years. It’s not uncommon for starters to power through. Would I look to sell Syndergaard low? No. If you can get a healthy, similar starter, then sure, why not? No reason to panic. Unless Syndergaard starts wearing cowboy boots on his elbow. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You know how they have pink bats for Mother’s Day? They should have bats in the shape of penises for Father’s Day. “Ooh, a swing and a miss. Damn, he had that schlong just out in front of that ball.” “You know socialism never worked, but penises have worked for thousands of years, depending on what interpretation of the Bible you ascribe to.” “Wow, what size bat is David Ortiz using?” Happy Father’s Day to all of our readers minus five ladies! Yesterday, for Dad’s Day, Julio Teheran showed us Americans how they do it in Iran on Father’s Day. Teheran #1 — ptooey everyone us! His line was 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks and 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.66. I’ve been saying for a few weeks now that Teheran is worth picking up. He’s obviously not this good. His xFIP is 3.97, but his walk rate is down from last year and his ground balls are up, not literally. Other than last year, he was a consistent low-3, high-2 ERA guy, and he looks like he found his way back there. By the way, if you’re thinking what I’m thinking, agreed, we should not allow any university lacrosse teams access to the penis bats. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
And, with the first pick of the MLB draft, the Philadelphia Phillies take… Someone that was born in 1998. I have a bottle of ketchup older than that. In fact, I think I have an entire shelf of condiments older. Mickey Moniak or Grey’s Worcestershire sauce? What? That doesn’t ever go bad and it’s used for one thing. I think I dated a girl in 1998 who wanted a Bloody Mary. What else am I going to do with it?! Lea & Perrins conspired to add it in the recipe of the Bloody Mary so everyone would have to buy it. But you done messed up, Lea & Perrins, because there’s no use-by date! Seinfeld pulls me aside like Bania, “You have fifteen minutes of Worcestershire sauce material, maybe you diversify? What’s the deal with soy sauce? If it’s soy, shouldn’t it be white?” Wanna feel really old, look at Mickey Moniak. He makes Christian Yelich look like a blue-hair. I’m sure Prospector Ralph will be along on Sunday to talk about the MLB Draft in total, but the Phils grabbed Mickey Moniak, an eighteen-year-old lefty who has a line-drive stroke. Said to have a high floor, which means low upside. Hey, he actually might be just like Christian Yelich, two brothers from nearly this millennial. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Sorry for the stock jargon. Everyone who’s reading this is more than likely a DFS fan or someone who has some interest in it which means you probably have something outside of DFS that tickles some part of your brain that gets you into it. For me, besides being a fantasy baseball fan/player/’expert’/etc, I find the world of stocks to be an amazing measure of human psychology. Even the most intelligent people in the world never get into the market because, and I say this from experience, it’s tough man. And if you’re a DFS player who loves tourneys, I can guess that element of challenge of finding that perfect play or sneaky stack is what leads you to me. So with that, let me collage my mental stock and DFS droppings on to this here bloggy-site and say that Francisco Liriano is that falling knife I’m gonna try and catch tonight. On a slate full of good, expensive arms, Liriano is the 17th most expensive pitcher at $7,900. He’s just $500 more than Ricky Nolasco…yes, it’s been that bad for him of late. The last time Liriano was relevant for winning in DFS, it was May 6th. You had more hair back then and your wife thought this daily fantasy nonsense would pass over. Now you’re sitting in the red, all your possessions have been repo’d including your wife by that jerk Brad from high school and you’re sitting around in a wife beater with no underwear, smeared in peanut butter just trying to get your dog to…wow, that went a little too far. I swear it’s about my friend and not me! All this to say, I’m ready to give Francisco a chance on a night where he’ll more than likely get overlooked. The upside for 30 is still there, let’s see the chart start pointing up for him tonight. But enough of that, let’s move on to this: here’s my Warren Buffett hot taeks for this Friday DK slate…
New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday June 6th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.Please, blog, may I have some more?
On Saturday, our prayers were answered. No, not the prayer about winning Powerball. Or the prayer about sweatpants becoming the new formalwear. Or the prayer about muttonchops being some magical aphrodisiac. Or the prayer about your mom forgetting that time you accidentally sexted her. Or that prayer about being as successful in real life as you are in fantasy. No, not those. The prayer about Yu Darvish returning and looking as dominant as ever. On Saturday, he threw the fastest pitch of his major league career, throwing three pitches for more than 98 MPH. The line of 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks was solid, but I imagine this will be the start of him reaffirming his place in the top 10 starter conversation. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department sang, “Yu, Yu got what I need…Yu say he just spends Yen…Yu say he just spends Yen…But baby Yuuuuuu,Yu got what I need!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Tolleson had his cookies tossed for the last time on Tuesday. Or maybe Shawn Tolleson caused his owners’ cookies to be tossed? Sounds too passive, said Flesch-Kincaid, but you get the idea. By the by, why is tossing food so gross? Tossing one’s cookies should be a glorious thing. Who doesn’t want cookies tossed at them? Please toss your cookies into my mouth! Then there’s tossing salad? That sounds healthy and like a spring morn. Why is tossing salad so bad? I’d love a salad tossing and a jog around the Maypole! Any hoo! There’s no more Tolleson, and Sam Dyson will step in as the Rangers closer. Glad to see Rangers manager, Jeff Banister, finally react. Though, it took a long time since Tolleson’s ERA is over nine. Banister’s reflexes are so slow Bautista could’ve snuck in a punch on him. Maybe they should’ve let Odor punch Tolleson’s card. He would’ve been out on April 4th. “You’re done!” “That was one pitch.” “I don’t care, now I will punch you.” Sam Dyson should be owned in all leagues. Will Tolleson regain the role? Maybe, if Dyson gets injured, but it seems highly unlikely otherwise and can be dropped in most leagues. Hey, Tolleson, don’t let the door hit you, where Odor split your lip. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Is he learning the English language? Is he drunk? Is he trying to say ‘drawer’ while drunk? Did he have a stroke? Does he just not know that the person he’s thinking of is an artist and he’s calling him a drawer? Did he just have an operation on his teeth and he’s saying jewelry? The jewelry drawer? Does he have marbles in his mouth? Rocks? Gobstoppers? Is he doing an insensitive impersonation of a speech impediment? No, prematurely balding man, he’s trying to say the name Drury! As in Brandon Drawer–Excuse me, Brandon Drury. Yes, he’s about as hot as any hitter in the league and should be owned. In the bigger picture, he had a .331 average in 63 games in Triple-A, and is only 23 years old, so, while he hasn’t shown great power in the minors, it could still be developing. Is Drawer top shelf? Too Drury to say. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called a fantasy baseball season. I was dreamin’ when I wrote this, forgive me if I recommend starting a hitter vs. Jake Arrieta and pray. I’m not a woman, I’m not a man, I am Bartolo Colon and you will never understand how I get on these pants. 1, 2, 1, 2, 3. Yeah. I was working part-time in a five-and-dime, my boss was Willie McGee. U got the look. Jesus, McGee, that look. Twenty-three positions in a one night stand. Twenty-three positions in a very deep league fantasy team. Who’s my short-second-short-1st baseman? Why do we scream at each other? This is what it sounds like when David Price’s owners cry. “Sorry to hear about Chyna,” said the ghost of Farrah Fawcett. Arrieta, you got the batter’s fly balls all tied up! Don’t make the outfielders chase you! Even doves have pride. Why do we scream at each other when we don’t own Jake Arrieta? So, Arrieta threw a no-hitter yesterday — 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 BBs, 6 Ks. Rather economical pitch count too (119). Member when we were able to own him last year by drafting him in the 8th round? Alas, he’s a Sexy M.F. and I would die 4 U. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?