Fantasy Baseball Advice

Manny Ramirez was involved in a trade.  The drug trade!  Many people move to Florida to retire.  Manny just decided to do them in a slightly different order.  Manny said of the sudden retirement, “I’m at ease.  I’m now an officially retired baseball player.  I’ll be going away on a trip to Spain with my old man.”  First, he tests positive for estrogen, now he’s going to Spain with what sounds like a sugar daddy.  Manny’s a kept man!  The Rays suddenly have room for Desmond Jennings… Or Matt Joyce… Or Sam Fuld.  We grabbed Desmond Jennings in one league where we had room for a flyer.  Here’s some of what Grey said about Jennings in the preseason, “DJ is currently on the ones and twos for top ranked MLB prospects.  He’s never had an OBP lower than .360 at any stop in the minor leagues, so I don’t think the bottom is going to fall out on that in 2011.  If he’s getting on base, he’ll be stealing bases and scoring runs, whether he’s slotted leadoff or ninth.  Is he much more than SAGNOF?  Yes and no.  He can be more than SAGNOF for 2011, but, worst comes to worst (or wurst comes to wurst, if you’re German), he’s going to steal bases.  There’s the possibility of him getting 5-8 homers and he has the power for 12.  If he reaches the top end of his ceiling, you’re looking at Carl Crawford.  More likely, you’re going to open up this Crackerjack and get half a Carl Crawford.  Say a Carlford.  You ain’t got the Craw yet, kid!”  And that’s us quoting Grey!  In the short term, if the Rays go with Joyce, he has decent pop, but his average will be po’.  Or poor if you’re a completist.  Or poo, if you’re a middlist.  Sam Fuld, who sounds like a cartoon character, can steal 25 bases this year with little power.  Sounds okay, until you break that down to one steal a week and little else.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jered Weaver - 7 2/3 IP with 1 ER, 8 base runners, and 15 Ks.  That’s a Weaver family record!  Even more impressive is that he did this with Bobby Wilson as the catcher – if Jeff Mathis was the catcher, it would’ve been a no-hitter with 25 Ks.

Josh Beckett - 8 shutout innings with 3 base runners and 10Ks….against the Yankees.  Take that Weaver!  It seems like Beckett owns the Yankees but they crushed him last year to the tune of a 10.04 ERA in 26 IP.  So does this mean 2011 Beckett is back to the dominant SP that you would want to actually own on your team?  Not I.  Or is it not me?  Or not we?

Matt Thornton – After Thornton blew his second save, Ozzie tweeted, “Thornton is throws gas like me after a plate of frijoles.”  On Saturday, Chris Sale grabbed the save.  Here’s the thing, and there’s always a thing, Ozzie has no loyalty to Thornton, but Thornton also is better than he’s shown so far.  Don’t think Thornton gets every save and he may get even less than that if he keeps blowing saves, but right now I’d want him then Sale.

Ryan Franklin – Blew his third save on Saturday.  Motte hasn’t been good.  Mitchell Boggs hasn’t been bad but his best attribute is that he’s got the best law firm-sounding name this side of BenJarvus Green-Ellis.  La Russa will probably stick with Franklin for a few more blow ups, but I’d own Motte and Boggs, in that order.

Jaime Garcia – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Another gem on Saturday in spite of everyone saying a regression was coming this year.  Baseball-Reference’s Database had to talk Fangraphs Database down from the roof of a twelve story building.  “It’s not just your FIP.  It’s everyone’s.”

Carlos Beltran – Hit 2 homers on Saturday.  One for each knee he has problems with.

Chris Narveson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Now has 13 straight scoreless innings.  Someone go grab Orel Hershiser off the beach in Jamaica!  Not because Narveson is going to break his scoreless inning streak, but Orel’s really pale, you don’t want him to burn.  Grab Narveson in every single league you have room, you never know where a crazy breakout is going to come from.

Justin Masterson – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks and now has only given up 2 earned in two starts.  Could I have been a year early when I told you to grab Masterson last year?  It’s possible.  Sometimes when I pop out of my DeLorean, I have no idea what year it is.  It’s worth a flyer to see if Masterson can continue his early success, but I have less faith in him, the Indians and AL pitcher flyers, in general.

Russell Martin – Hit two four-baggers on Saturday.  Speaking of a four-bagger, for those who read my e-book, my friend from college, Dirty, was visiting me this week.  So we’re headed to this bar on Friday and he starts telling me about this girl he hooked up with on Tuesday night.  He’s like, “I was hooking up with her and then she starts making out with this girl… Then me… Then this girl….It was so hot!”  Now, my one experience with the bar he was at was seeing a friend’s band perform and there were a lot of lesbians there, so his story sounded plausible.  So I tell him to invite his bisexual girl to the bar we’re going to.  He does, but she has no car or cash.  He’s like, “I’ll pay the forty dollar cab ride for you!”  He’s giddy with excitement.  I’m giddy just to meet her.  He’s built this girl up to the point where I’m expecting Vanessa Hudgens taking pictures of herself.  She texts him from the cab outside, “Come pay for the taxi, I’m here.”  So he walks out while I stay inside the bar.  Fifteen minutes later, he walks in with his tail between his legs and a girl that can be best described as Rosie O’Donnell from the days of Exit to Eden.  She was wearing a denim jacket, a silver chain hanging from her jeans’ pocket and had a shaved faux hawk.  She wasn’t bi-curious, she was a lesbian.  Yeah, he still went home with her.

J.J. Hardy – Sidelined for six weeks with an oblique injury.  I see your appendix and intercostal and raise you an oblique!

Zach Britton – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Another solid start on Saturday.  Because he induces groundballs, his downside isn’t as bad as some other rookie pitchers.  He also doesn’t K a lot of people.  I’d prefer my SP flyer from the NL, but you do what you do, I do what I do and we’ll meet somewhere in the middle like Monie and Malcolm.

Hanley Ramirez – With a deep contusion on his leg, he’s out until Tuesday.  A deep contusion for Hanley is also known as a charley horse.

Ryan Zimmerman – Abdominal strain has knocked him out for a few days.  Zimm loves himself some day-to-day injuries, huh?

Brett Cecil – 5 IP, 5 ER on Saturday.  Hey, you took the flyer, gave him a chance, he touched your naughty bits and left you high and dry.  I’d start to look elsewhere.

Bud Norris – See 1/8th of an inch above…i.e., grab Narveson.

Andres Torres – Strained Achilles – consider him out until Friday.  Now if he has a doctor that stutters, no one will know when he says, “Heal heel!  Heal heel!”  The big problem with Torres coming into this year and his career is he had a hard time staying healthy.  Achilles injuries can linger, says the guy without the medical degree.

Ryan Doumit – Hurdle said he won’t play Doumit in right field or at first when Snyder returns.  I did enjoy Clint Hurdle’s quote about it, “It wouldn’t be fair to Ryan.”  He’s making it sound like he’s doing Doumit a favor by benching him.  This is like when you do the ol’ “It’s not you, it’s me” breakup.

Dan Haren – Got the relief win on Saturday.  In the dugout, the Sciosciapath was seen reading Dusty Baker’s book on managing pitchers, “They Weren’t a High Pressure One Hundred and Eighty Pitches.”

Jose Tabata – Knock Knock.  Who’s there?  Tabata.  Tabata who?  Tabata the Rockies are leaving town because Jose hit 2 HRs and stole 3 SBs in 4 games against them.  It’s been only 10 games but Tabata is showing signs of improvement vs. his rookie year.  He’s walking more than twice as much as last year, flashing more power (only had 4 HR in 400+ AB last  year), and is stealing more (5 for 6 vs last year’s 19 for 26).  While it’s highly doubful he’ll keep up this Bondsian/Eric Davisian pace (32 HR / 80 SBs), a 15/40 season isn’t out of the question.

Rajai Davis – For the love of Rajai!  Davis re-irritated his right ankle on Sunday.  Don’t they have band aids in Toronto?  Damn socialized medicine.  He will likely miss a couple games, just in time for Corey Patterson to appear off the DL, look great for a week or two, and then morph back into Corey Patterson.  This has the potential for the best SAGNOF fight with only CarGo Lite and Nyjer standing in its way.  And if Podsednik ever gets his act together, he can team up with Mike McCoy and the Jays can have a SAGNOF tag team event.

Stephen Drew – 4-for-4 with 3 RBI.  Looks like he’s holding Bloomquist in contempt.

Matt Kemp – That was 5 SBs for Kemp in the 3 game series at San Diego.  Maybe he just visualizes Chris ‘Tall’ Young on the mound.

Fernando Rodney – Just when you think that Scioscia has no respect for Rodney as a closer, he gives him another chance.  Even crazier, he throws a 1-2-3 inning.  Maybe it’s because Walden pitched on Saturday but Rodney had pitched on Friday and Saturday.  Go figure.  I still think Walden will get more saves this year but you’ve got to hold onto Rodney for now.  Sorry in advance.

Yovani Gallardo - 4 ER and 11 base runners in 5 IP.  And only 2 Ks – which makes it 8 Ks in three starts (20 IP).  That’s Buehrlesque.  That’s not good at all for someone who’s averaged over a K an inning for his career.  Maybe he’s saving them up to impress Zack.

Metco – The Mets and Nationals hitters somehow made the quartet of Capuano (8 Ks), Gorzelanny (8 Ks), Marquis (9 Ks), and Chris ‘Tall’ Young (7 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks) look like great pitchers.  If there’s anything to learn from this, it’s not to pick these guys up.  It’s to stream starters who face these two teams.

Jonny Gomes – Slam and legs!

Brandon Belt – Another 0-fer.  That’s 3 for 24 since the big HR in his 2nd game. We had a guy in one of our leagues spend his whole $100 waiver budget on Belt.  Ouch.  Obviously, Belt is better than this but it’s always a crapshoot with rookie hitters.  If you can bench him until he snaps out of this funk or gets demoted, do it.

Eric Bedard - That’s two bad starts in a row for Bedard.  The odds are low that he’ll pitch so poorly the rest of the year.  But that’s because there’s a 90% chance he gets injured and can’t pitch at all.

I already put my feet on your coffee table while typing up my notes on the September call-up hitters and September call-up pitchers.  Oh, and I didn’t use a coaster for my forty of Colt 45.  Natch!  Not too many surprises in the call-ups.  The peasant Royals are dragging their feet on Mike Moustakas, not calling him up.  What else is new?  Carlos Carrasco was called up and got the start.  Go Indians, it’s your birthday.  I’ll get to Carrasco later on.  I’ll fill in a Mad Libs blurb for Wilson Ramos’ call up.  I’ll even go over J.P. Arencibia in this post.  But who I’m really pumped about getting recalled?  Brandon Allen, the wholesale home run king.  His homers are innnnnnsane!  In Triple-A, he hit 25 homers and .261 with 14 steals.  If you ever saw this kid play, you’d know why I’m so excited.  If you ever saw Kid ‘n Play, you’re awesome.  Yesterday, Brandon Allen hit a grand slam.  Allen can hit 30 homers in the majors right now.  He rocks a solid OBP.  He can chuck in a few steals.  Yes, I love this guy.  In NL-Only and keeper leagues, I’d grab him right now.  In mixed leagues, if you need power, I’d grab Allen if you can bench him on occasion if he doesn’t start.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before I get into the roundup, we’re giving some love to those of you who are married with a kid or two and risk your wife’s scorn to visit the site.  Here’s a ‘Back to School’ contest where you can win $10,000.  If you win, that’s got to be good for 6 months of non-porn surfing immunity, right?  No, next week I won’t be trying to sell you BRAND NEW ROLECKS (sic) that I won in a Nigerian lottery.  Don’t be so smart.  This was done as a favor to an unnamed contributor.  Anyway II, here’s the roundup:

Barry Enright – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Uncle Barry now has 8 quality starts in his last nine.  He gets the Giants next.  Yes, pick him up.

Ricky Nolasco – The Palm Beach Post, a paper that is packed full of early bird coupons for seniors, announced that Nolasco will get shut down.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-5 with his 15th homer.  I think it might’ve been his first hit since July, but don’t hold me to that.  Stanton looks very streaky in the first months of his career, so he might now go on a 10 homer in 10 game stretch.

Cameron Maybin – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer this week.  My old fave might be finally hitting his stride in the major leagues.  Stay tuned!  Or not, your choice.

Matt Lindstrom – Back from back problems (say that fast 117 times!).  He worked middle relief yesterday and Lyon’s been great in his stead so Lindstrom may not see saves immediately.  After a few appearances by Lindstrom to get back up to speed, they may share saves going forward.  “You want this save?”  “No, you take it.”  “No, you.”  “I’ll take it.”  “Who are you?”  “Wilton Lopez.”  “We don’t know you.”

Nelson Figueroa – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  He hasn’t given up more than 2 earned runs in his last four starts.  That’s nice, he’s also 36 years old.  (And he was born on Reggie Jackson’s birthday and my dog’s “I’m not just playing dead, I’m actually dead” day.)  Nelson Figueroa and Dennis Quaid should get together for The Rookie II:  The Winter Leagues.

Hunter Pence – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and the delicious slam & legs.  Quietly having a decent year.  I wouldn’t mind owning him somewhere.  Hey, I got HP Envy.

Carlos Carrasco – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’m a fan of Carrasco… If he were on a different team.  If you can start a rookie Indians pitcher in September, nice huevos but I think they might be contaminated.

Jordan Brown – 1-for-4, 1 RBI with the start as LaPorta nurses his hip.  Wubba Wubba Wubba!  It’s Downtown Jordan Brown!  I’ve seen Brown compared to Sean Casey, and that’s not for his conversation skills.  I wouldn’t look at Brown outside of very deep AL-Only leagues.

Chris Sale – Got the save yesterday.  Jenks had worked a few days in a row, so I wouldn’t read too much into this, even if it does appear to be a fire sale on White Sox relievers.  Or is it a *pinkie to mouth* hire Sale?  Then again, you never know with Ozzie.  After each game, Ozzie, Ken Williams and Sharon Osbourne sit at a panel to judge each reliever.  Sharon because she’s used to insane Ozzies.

Manny Ramirez – 1-for-3 in his White Sox debut where he batted fifth and pushed Quentin to the bench.  I think Quentin will still get his ABs.  Andruw Jones really shouldn’t.  Oh, and I’d take live Strasburg on the toilet coverage compared to what ESPN is now doing with Manny.  Guy’s pretty irrelevant at this point, do we really need non-stop Manny coverage?

J.P. Arencibia – DH’d last night (0-for-4), but I’m not confident that arrangement is going to last.  Without an everyday job, he’s not much use for you outside of AL-Only, two catcher or keeper leagues.  In related news, Buck hit a homer yesterday.

Sean Rodriguez – 3-for-3 with a homer and steal.  He has 9 homers, 11 steals and a .264 average in 299 ABs.  I kinda wish they went with him all year instead of Zobrist.  Would’ve been nice to see what he could’ve done.

Desmond Jennings – 0-for-3 as the Rays inserted him right into the two hole (not that two hole, silly).  Zobrist took the bench yesterday.  If you need steals in mixed leagues, you’ll want to add Jennings right now, just in case he sees more ABs than I think he will.  He will definitely see time in the final week of the season when the Rays have their playoff slot locked up.

Freddie Freeman – 0-for-3 as he got called up and the start.  I don’t think today’s start is any indication of playing time.  Grab Freeman in NL-Only and keeper leagues.  In redraft leagues, I wouldn’t bother unless Lee gets hurt.  Though, like Jennings, if the Braves wrap up a playoff spot, Freeman could see time at the end of the year.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 3 Ks vs. the Mets.  Spoiler Alert!  In this afternoon’s borderline starter post, I mention how the Mets are the 2nd worst offense since the All-Star Break.  Brand new Mets, same as the old mess.

Roy Oswalt – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He only gave up one hit to go with 6 walks as he did a better impersonation of Clayton Kershaw than Clayton.

Cliff Lee – Received an injection in his back to relieve some lower back pressure.  The problem late Lee has been stiff Lee?  Supposed Lee.  He says he should make his next start.  I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s bumped a day or two.

Mitch Moreland – Now has two homers in two games.  Cantu will steal time from him vs. lefties and he hasn’t hit for much of anything average-wise lately, but it looks like Moreland’s hot.

Jose Reyes – I read he took BP.  Where, to see the fish they’re killing?  Oh, batting practice!  Yeah, Reyes said he might be able to play this weekend.

Tom Gorzelanny – Last week one of my borderline starters on the Pirates was injured by a comebacker.  This week the Pirates injured Gorzelanny with a comebacker.  I sure hope no one finds out I’m the puppet master behind all of this.  Hmm… Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned that.  Okay, move on to the next blurb now.

Brett Anderson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Yankees.  Was kinda surprised to see Anderson not owned in 100% of ESPN leagues.  He should be.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Hit his third homer this week.  Still having a hard time recommending him, but you can take my non-committal recommendation as a recommendation.

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Max Scherzer’s 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Why don’t any of my leagues award no decisions?  I pillaged some seriously good people in a former life for the win karma I have.

Wilson Ramos – Ivan Rodriguez strikes me as a guy who won’t want to take a seat very often for some rookie upstart.  *while chomping a cigar* Yeah, I’m Pudge, see.  And I don’t take no seat for no kid. *removing the cigar*  On a side note, my Pudge nickname wasn’t always ironic.  So in NL-Only keepers, grab Ramos if you must, but unless he’s playing every day, there’s not much here.

Nyjer Morgan – Didn’t you think Nyjer was a good guy up until about two weeks ago when he threw a baseball at a fan?  I love this heel turn.  Too bad Tito Santana had the last laugh.  I mean, Gaby Sanchez.  Hehe, you got hit by a guy with a girl’s name!

Yonder Alonso – Young man, there’s a place you can go.   I said, young man–  Wait, was I typing that?  Alonso’s another great future prospect that you can read about at my call-ups post.  This year, he has no playing time.  I’m sure December Grey will go over all of these guys for 2011.

Aroldis Chapman – 1 IP and his first win.  I imagine it’ll be easy for hitters when they are seeing him more than once in a game.  Right now, I’ll be shocked when someone gets a hit off him.  Call his fastball The Keyser Soze because he throws it and…  Poof, it’s gone.

Last week our borderline fantasy starters, I came away with an 3.95 ERA.  Not too shabby considering two of those earned runs came from Ross Ohlendorf, who I warned you to only start in extreme circumstances, and Travis Wood got absolutely rocked for 7 earned runs.  Without those two, the ERA was 2.90 in 62.1 IP.  There were also 62 Ks with 6 Wins.  To recap, these aren’t guys I’d drop anyone worthwhile to get, these starters are meant for streaming purposes and all of their ownership in ESPN is under 50%.  These streamers are listed alphabetically.  Anyway, here’s some borderline starters for this week in fantasy baseball:

Friday, August 27th

Barry Enright – Hey, ya’ll!  It’s Uncle Barry Enright.  Hey, Uncle Barry, good luck in your game vs. the Giants, and please stop touching me there.

Nelson Figueroa – I went to school with a Nelson Figueroa.  He was a midget.  Don’t think it’s the same guy.  Not a great kickoff to the streaming post, but Figueroa has a 2.25 ERA with 15 Ks in his last 16 IP.

Saturday, August 28th

Nick Blackburn – He’s dazzlingly bad, but he gets the Mariners who are slightly worse.  In most leagues, because of his lack of Ks, it’s thans, but no thans.

Joe Blanton – Is in Petco.  Yes, that’s all you need to know.

Jon Garland – See 1/8th of an inch above.

Daniel Hudson – I’m guessing at some point his ownership will move up to normal levels, but, for now, here ya go.

Sunday, August 29th

R.A. Dickey – Was a bit surprised to see him owned in so few leagues.  I don’t trust knuckleballers, but he gets the Astros in his next start.

Jason Hammel – Has a 3.36 ERA at home this year and gets a team (Dodgers) that he’s owned in his career.  Hopefully he can settle that with Jamie and Frank McCourt.

Bud Norris – Goes to Metco.  You’re not going to get Wins, but you will get Ks.

Clayton Richard – Hodgepadre.

Monday, August 30th

Jorge de la Rosa – Solid vs. the Giants and they’re in AT&T Park (is that still the name of it?).

Jake Westbrook – Last week I said something along the lines of, feel free to ignore this recommendation.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Carlos Zambrano – If I come out of this day without recommending a real clunker, I’d be surprised. FWIW, Big Z gets the Pirates.

Tuesday, August 31st

Brian Duensing – Has like twenty quality starts in a row!  (The preceding was a small exaggeration, but Duensing has been good outside of his last game in Arlington, which you can’t blame on him.)

Mike Minor – Back in the rotation to go against the Mets.

Wednesday, September 1st

Tom Gorzelanny – Goes against the Pirates, who are marginally better vs. lefties, but, in the end, they are still the Pirates.  Argh.

Jason Vargas – Who says I don’t like AL pitchers? (As streaming options, I really don’t like them.  Vargas is only listed because I hadn’t recommended many AL starters and felt bad.  Don’t start Vargas in mixed leagues.  I almost recommended TBA on the Angels over Vargas.)

Mike Pelfrey went from totally chic to totally geek in the matter of 4 starts.  Last night, he dropped a 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER bomb and now he’s staring at nickels.  Pardon the wavy lines as we jump in The Way Back Machine and see what I said in April, “His K-rate prior to 2010 was pretty poor.  Even this year, it’s only a little above his career mark.  His biggest adjustment so far seems to be his ability to avoid the homer ball and leave men on base.  He can be usable as a 4th fantasy starter, especially in Metco.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!  Nothing’s really changed other than he’s no longer leaving men on base, his homers have gone up (literally) and his lack of Ks are catching up to him.  Hmm… Maybe some stuff has changed.  He had a 1.98 ERA at Metco prior to last night, so that’s still a nice matchup start, but Pelfrey is no longer a must own.  At 109 IP on the year and only 67 Ks, he’s a notch below Jon Garland in K-rate.  I just popped a zit in the mirror and spelled out, “You can probably do better than Pelfrey.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jose Reyes – Supposed to return on Tuesday.  I really want to believe this, but the Met doctors are a joke.  Did they go to that med school Steve Guttenberg went in Bad Medicine?

Shin-Soo Choo – Thumb-Soo Blue now might need surgery and could be out for the season.  Is this all a ploy for him to avoid his army service time?  We must have a commenter in Canada who could take him in.  Volunteers?

Mike Gonzalez – Won’t return until after the All-Star break.  As previously mentioned, Alfredo will continue to get saves now and when Mike G. first returns.  From there, I imagine names will go into Juan Samuel’s hat and he’ll pull one out.  Hey, New ERA’s now the closer! Um, that’s the tag.

Jake Fox – 3-for-5 and now has 2 homers in his last two starts.  Not starting every day, but I’d grab him now in AL-Only leagues and watch closely how his playing time shakes out for mixed leagues.  Hey, New ERA’s now starting at 1st base! Still the tag, Juan.

Chase Utley – Saying he won’t need the full 8 weeks of recovery time.  I believe Utley can return early.  Still, a hand issue that won’t have him on the field until late-August isn’t something you should go out of your way to acquire.

Roy Halladay – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Braves.  It’s one thing to face Halladay, but I can’t even imagine how difficult it must’ve been for the Braves with Russia still occupying Georgia.

Cliff Lee – Supposedly, the Phillies were scouting The Adverb.  I wonder if the scout went to Vegas, got himself a hooker and some blow while pretending to scout Cliff Lee because HE WAS JUST ON THEIR TEAM!  Whoa, Cap’n Caps, easy.  SORRY.

Russell Branyan – Now has three homers since joining the Mariners.  Had 31 homers last year and has 13 now.  You do the math!

Jose Valverde – 1 IP, 2 ER, Kazaam!

Jonathan Sanchez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Man, that WHIP is messy.  What a slob!  No wonder he goes by Filthy Sanchez.  According to me.  But we’ll pretend he goes by that on every site on the interwebs.

Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-4 and batting .269.  Maybe he’s uncomfortable carrying around those extra 75 pounds.  Let’s get him and the Sandovals on Losing It With Jillian.  I’d love to see Sandoval’s family all try to lose weight together.  “Mama, did you put extra mayonnaise on my lard sandwich?”  Mama Sandoval looks guilty then, “No.”

Buster Posey - 2-for-4 with his third homer.  All he does is hit homers (once a week).

Tom Gorzelanny – 5 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’ve seen better starts, but let’s be clear about something.  Gorzelanny isn’t an ace.  He’s a number five fantasy starter.  He still has a 3.31 ERA on the year and is worth starting in favorable matchups.

Ian Kennedy – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Member when I said to lose him in last week’s Buy/Sell?  Yup.

Adam LaRoche – Hit his 13th homer yesterday in the Diamondbacks’ 83rd game.  LaRoche meet 2nd half of the 162 game schedule, 2nd half say wassup to LaRoche.

Krispie Young – 2-for-3, 2 steals while hitting leadoff.  Now has 15 homers and 16 steals on the year.  Yeah, Krispie’s been better than your other outfielders.  Yup, even that one.

Kosuke Fukudome – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer.  Keep in mind his playing time is very iffy right now but he gets crazy hot for a week or two at a time.  This game might’ve be the start of something.  Either way, the choice is yours.  Doo, da, dippity.

Geovany Soto – 3-for-4, 2 Runs and 2 RBIs.  Somehow the Cubs pulled out the win with Koyie Hill on the bench.

Alexei Ramirez – Now has two homers in two games while hitting over .400 in the last week.  Definitely worth owning though I’m not sure where his steals have been this year.  Did they have visa issues?

Carlos Quentin – Hit 2 homers yesterday.  Frequent commenter, Steve, summed up the thoughts of current Quentin owners yesterday when he said, “Oh, Quentin, I am so glad I drafted you/dropped you/picked you up/dropped you again/picked you back up.”

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Hasn’t allowed more than 2 runs in a start in over a month.  Yeah, you should own him.

Bobby Jenks – Pitched in the 8th inning of 7-1 game.  I know what you’re thinking, “What’s Ozzie thinking?”  Good question.  Ozzie supposedly wants Jenks to get some action before being the closer again because he was away on bereavement leave.  And Ozzie wants to confuse fantasy owners.  That too.  I’d grab Thornton if he’s available.

Dayan Viciedo – Hit his first major league homer.  Worth monitoring in AL-Only leagues (as if you don’t have enough to do!), but his playing time has been sporadic.

Mark Teixeira – Hit his 14th homer yesterday.  PABST (Post All-Star Break Stats Teixeira) getting a jump on the All-Star break so I guess this was a premature jacking.

Jayson Nix – 2 homers in yesterday’s game.  Jaymes Nix got drunk and called Laynce to ask him how come he can’t be more like Jayson.

Matt Garza – 3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  Of course I sat Garza when he pitched well last week in Fenway and started him yesterday for this crizzap at home.  Of course, I did!  When I yell obscenities at telemarketers, I call them Garza.

Eric Patterson – 2 homers and now has 6 homers on the year.  Not quite as bonkers as it sounds… Okay, it’s a little bonkers, but he hit 14 homers in Triple-A one year and 12 homers in Triple-A last year.  For those desperate for anything at MI, you could probably do worse.

Matt LaPorta – LaPo hit another homer yesterday then was removed with a head bruise from his collision with Andrus.  After the bump on the head, LaPorta thought he was Ginger from Gilligan’s Island.

Joey Votto – Hit 2 homers.  Yeah, but Omar Infante can play 4 positions.

Erik Bedard – Was due to pitch on Tuesday, but he’s dealing with a stiff shoulder.  We’re actually lucky this happened.  If Bedard came back while Ben Sheets was healthy, that would’ve caused a major shift in the Time VORP Continuum.

Andre Ethier had a June line of 9/3/12/.195… In 2008. June gloom? Perhaps. In 2009, he had a May as atrocious. So he can come out of this funk. In the last three years, Ethier has hit 30 points better in the 2nd half. Then again, could it be the pinkie that’s giving Ethier issues? Sure, but how long can a flippin’ pinkie hold him back? Take it easy on the shadow puppets and give your pinkie a rest, doode. Besides, this isn’t the first time Andre Ethier’s had to battle his pinkie demons. So he should get better? Yup. Like a dwarf standing in line, I smell a but. Yeah, random italicized voice, there’s a but. But he gives you no steals and his power is limited. His HRs per AB for the last three years is almost identical from the 1st half to the 2nd half. Around one homer every 25 ABs, so you’re looking at 40/12/50/.300/2 in the 2nd half. It’s nice, but Brennan Boesch just did that in the 1st half. Oh, and maybe the pinkie is bothering him. Ethier’s name value is a lot more valuable than his stats. This does not mean sell Ethier for an unopened Blossom: Season 2 DVD, but I’d entertain offers if there’s people in your league that think Ethier’s due for a huge bounce back. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Clint Barmes – Has some power and very light speed. Will usually hurt you on average, but is currently hitting near-.400 in the last week. And just think if you own DeWitt and Barmes, you can dedicate your fantasy season to John Ritter.

Felipe Lopez – When you drafted Utley in the 1st round, you never thought you’d be thinking about swimming up the Fe-Lopezian in July, huh?

Mike Aviles – We’ll call this the “I Just Lost Pedroia, Utley and Tulo” Buy/Sell edition. Between Barmes, Felipe and Aviles (or Barfmes), you have a terrible average-okay power guy, a light on everything guy and an empty average guy, respectively. Just think, if you play your Barfmes exactly right, you can get everything Pedroia, Utley and Tulo were giving you. But probably not.

Matt LaPorta – Just went over him. Scroll down or click. The choice is yours, Black Sheep.

Chris Johnson – Before altering all of your Big Johnson t-shirts, I’d note that he has a terrible walk to strikeout rate. For right now, he’s more of an NL-Only add.

Dexter Fowler – This season Dexter is going to kill it! I’m hoping if I keep saying that it will come true while also reminding me to rent the first season of that serial killer show.

Roger Bernadina – Doesn’t he sound like a real estate agent whose picture would be on a bus bench? I’m Roger Bernadina and I can be a cheap source of a 10/20 season. Now who wants to be a homeowner?

Wilson Betemit – For how long can the Royals bench their hottest hitter? Not rhetorical. Before you answer, consider that they played Alex Gordon when he wasn’t hitting and now refuse to promote him when he is hitting. Also consider they never promoted Kila Ka’aihue when he was hitting or gave him a fair shake when they did promote him.

Milton Bradley – What are you worried about? Him throwing off your fantasy chemistry? Sure, in person Milton Bradley is unsafe for Ages 2+, but you’re not going to dinner with him. Go ahead and add this Golden Glove outfielder for power and some light speed.

Alfredo Simon – Mike Gonzalez should be owned, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to be the closer as soon as he walks off the big ol’ jet airliner. A) Gonzalez has a habit of losing closing gigs. B) He’s a lefty. C) He needs to get some innings under his belt in the majors before closing. D) There’s no D. E) Why would there be an E if there was no D?

Kris Medlen – In the May 7th Buy/Sell, I told you to get Medlen. He’s now at 11% owned in ESPN. Don’t everyone jump on the bandwagon at once.

Tom Gorzelanny – 65 Ks in 63 IP. I shouldn’t have to say more. Though by me saying I shouldn’t have to say more is technically me saying more. And me saying I shouldn’t have to say more is technically me saying more is me saying even more. And me saying– Well, you get the picture.

SELL

Paul Konerko – He’s now 34-years-old and has 20 homers while batting .295. Hasn’t hit over 31 homers or as high as .295 since 2006. I’m not saying to sell him for fifty cents on the dollar but for 2010 you’ve already got three-quarters of Konerko’s production. It’s time to cash in.

Ian Kennedy – You guys had a nice run. Member that time you and him and… Yeah, good times! The Diamondbacks are starting to skip him and he’s not a good enough bet going forward for you to be patient. I’m looking elsewhere.

Pablo Sandoval – Aw… But he’s so cute! He’s fat and a panda and you just can’t hate on that. In the preseason, I warned people that Sandoval is not a power hitter no matter his size. He’s similar to Billy Butler in that respect. (BTW, for All-Star Weekend, Billy Butler and Pablo Sandoval in a wet t-shirt contest. Who’s with me?! No one? Oh, well.) Sandoval can hit for more average than your average panda, but I wouldn’t be surprised to only see 15 homers from him this year. Otherwise known as what Rolen had through June 21st. Sandoval will still have some value this year, but he’s a prime example of someone who has more name value than actual value.

Carlos Beltran – Can he run? Can he hit major league pitching again? Can he stop looking so much like Rickie from My So Called Life, it’s really distracting. Lots of questions attached to Beltran. You know what else is attached to him? Is he wearing Michael Jackson’s jacket? No, random italicized voice. That picture is really distracting. I know. Hype and name value is attached to Beltran. If you think you’re getting a guy who is going to give you a prime career year packed into three months, you’re dreaming. I wouldn’t trade Beltran for a six pack of skunked beer, but I’d listen to offers.