The week was going swimmingly, with inflatable swim muscles, I may add, then Kevin Gregg showed up and said “Oh, I thought everyone wore these glasses now.” I don’t trust Kevin for 2 reasons, closers come and closers go (Kyuji is coming back) so add that into your closer entree like a good splash of adobo. The second reason is he has two first names, I’m sorry, it’s a phobia of mine ever since I went to school with a kid named Ferris Ferris. No I didn’t stutter, that’s a true story. Next we move to Boston, where Joe-L is returning from the DL; John Farrell has said what is typical, we will see what happens. My 2 cents is that Bailey keeps it until he falters or Hanrahan whines enough to make a stink. If I could call Joel, this is how the convo would go. Sup Joel. Who is this? Then I would hang up and not answer when he star 69′s me. I do that cause I don’t like people messin’ around on my phone. Lastly this week, I have moved Jim Johnson, minus his cult following, into the top tier. He has shown me enough to warrant a bump up. The games he pitches in are showing the confidence that Buck has in him, like a great illegitimate dad would in his Maury Povich type son. The bump over Papelbon is based purely on stats and accumulation right now, Paps just isn’t seeing the chances that some other closers are seeing and that inevitably hurts my feelings and his stats/value. Enjoy the week as if you were listening to the soundtrack from Rocky 4, what could get better than that.? If you said that talking robot Pauly got, then we are on the same page my friend.

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Well, here we are again. Doing our dance, making our love, and of course, getting down tonight. For my 3rd post anniversary, I was going to celebrate by going 1500 words deep discussing the merits of Kosuke Fukudome. But after my opening salvo, which began with ‘Fukudome Me? Fukudome you!’ and then the same thing copied and pasted several times over, I realized that there was really nothing else left to say about him.

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Let’s change the way we eat, let’s change the way we live and let’s change the Twins closer.  Joe Nathan is now the closer with two saves this weekend.  As I kinda said last week, Matt Capps was pitching so bad, he picked up Joe Nathan in his fantasy league.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!  Since Joe Nathan and Ron Gardenhire met on match.com many years ago, their relationship has blossomed from heated affair to full blown love.  They’re even Facebook official.  Assuming Nathan doesn’t cough up five leads in the matter of a week, he should have the closer job for the rest of the season.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Scott Baker – Placed on the DL with a muscle strain in his elbow, but is only supposed to miss one more start.  Mr.

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In honor of Cinco de Mayo, I won’t mention it again because I don’t know what it means other than most bars have deals on tequila shots.  What I will talk about is the pitchers that are getting lucky thus far according to their xFIP.  If you don’t know what the xFIP I’m talking about.  Read the following:  xFIP — stands for Expected Fielding Independent Pitching.  It’s basically ERA without those pesky fielders helping or hurting you.  It’s a pure ERA.  It’s like when you go to the Supercuts and then you don’t want to shower for like 2 weeks because you’ll never get your hair styled again like Jeffrey does it.  It’s your hair right after Jeffrey styles it and before you wash it.  That’s xFIP.  Okay, so let’s take a Exhibit A pitcher, who has an ERA of 2.75, but his xFIP is a 6.75.  A -4.00 difference.  That means he’s been very lucky and there’s a good chance his ERA is going to go way up.  So here’s a list of pitchers with the biggest difference between their actual ERAs and their xFIPs for the first month or so of the fantasy baseball season.

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Let’s all give Scott Sizemore a big “Welcome back.”  Well… Let’s give him a medium-sized “Welcome back…”  Screw it!  Let’s give him a quick “Hey” and a head nod like you give to your sister’s boyfriend that you can’t stand.  It’s not like he’s done all that much in his short time in the majors, but — and unless you’re an alien there’s always a but — who else are you rocking at your middle infidel spot?  Sizemore was hitting in the minors (.408/.495/.605 and 2 homers in 92 PAs).  It’s worth the flyer to see if he can translate minor league success to the majors.  Who knows?  Now that bin Laden’s listening to Gary Glitter’s Greatest Hits in hell, maybe Sizemore can get his bats through customs.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

David Freese – He’s gonna miss nine to twelve weeks.  Or the same amount of time it takes to get a 4-year degree from the University of Phoenix.

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Manny Ramirez was involved in a trade.  The drug trade!  Many people move to Florida to retire.  Manny just decided to do them in a slightly different order.  Manny said of the sudden retirement, “I’m at ease.  I’m now an officially retired baseball player.  I’ll be going away on a trip to Spain with my old man.”  First, he tests positive for estrogen, now he’s going to Spain with what sounds like a sugar daddy.  Manny’s a kept man!  The Rays suddenly have room for Desmond Jennings… Or Matt Joyce… Or Sam Fuld.  We grabbed Desmond Jennings in one league where we had room for a flyer.  Here’s some of what Grey said about Jennings in the preseason, “DJ is currently on the ones and twos for top ranked MLB prospects.  He’s never had an OBP lower than .360 at any stop in the minor leagues, so I don’t think the bottom is going to fall out on that in 2011.  If he’s getting on base, he’ll be stealing bases and scoring runs, whether he’s slotted leadoff or ninth.  Is he much more than SAGNOF?  Yes and no.  He can be more than SAGNOF for 2011, but, worst comes to worst (or wurst comes to wurst, if you’re German), he’s going to steal bases.  There’s the possibility of him getting 5-8 homers and he has the power for 12.  If he reaches the top end of his ceiling, you’re looking at Carl Crawford.  More likely, you’re going to open up this Crackerjack and get half a Carl Crawford.  Say a Carlford.  You ain’t got the Craw yet, kid!”  And that’s us quoting Grey!  In the short term, if the Rays go with Joyce, he has decent pop, but his average will be po’.  Or poor if you’re a completist.  Or poo, if you’re a middlist.  Sam Fuld, who sounds like a cartoon character, can steal 25 bases this year with little power.  Sounds okay, until you break that down to one steal a week and little else.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jered Weaver - 7 2/3 IP with 1 ER, 8 base runners, and 15 Ks.  That’s a Weaver family record!  Even more impressive is that he did this with Bobby Wilson as the catcher – if Jeff Mathis was the catcher, it would’ve been a no-hitter with 25 Ks.

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I already put my feet on your coffee table while typing up my notes on the September call-up hitters and September call-up pitchers.  Oh, and I didn’t use a coaster for my forty of Colt 45.  Natch!  Not too many surprises in the call-ups.  The peasant Royals are dragging their feet on Mike Moustakas, not calling him up.  What else is new?  Carlos Carrasco was called up and got the start.  Go Indians, it’s your birthday.  I’ll get to Carrasco later on.  I’ll fill in a Mad Libs blurb for Wilson Ramos’ call up.  I’ll even go over J.P.

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Last week our borderline fantasy starters, I came away with an 3.95 ERA.  Not too shabby considering two of those earned runs came from Ross Ohlendorf, who I warned you to only start in extreme circumstances, and Travis Wood got absolutely rocked for 7 earned runs.  Without those two, the ERA was 2.90 in 62.1 IP.  There were also 62 Ks with 6 Wins.  To recap, these aren’t guys I’d drop anyone worthwhile to get, these starters are meant for streaming purposes and all of their ownership in ESPN is under 50%.  These streamers are listed alphabetically.  Anyway, here’s some borderline starters for this week in fantasy baseball:

Friday, August 27th

Barry Enright – Hey, ya’ll!  It’s Uncle Barry Enright.  Hey, Uncle Barry, good luck in your game vs.

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