Fantasy Baseball Advice

Much like Ron Howard’s movies, Ryan Howard’s swings are hit or miss. Lately, he’s been more A Beautiful Mind than The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. If he can just get the average up, he’ll reach the pinnacle of Night Shift. However, the chances of that are the same as Chase Utley marrying a mermaid. But Philly fans are smart enough to not look at just average.  They check slugging percentages before they start chucking batteries.  Who can forget the sabermetric death threats at Mitch Williams - a BABIP of .100 couldn’t compensate for your K/BB and HR/FB ratio! What is Ryan Howard averaging more than one a game since May 1? If you guessed cheese steaks and hot dogs, you may be right. But if you guessed RBIs, you’re definitely right. As far back as mid-April, I told you he will hit 40 home runs, go out and get him no matter what his early season looks like. I told you in May, when Howard was in the midst of a terrible slump, he would go into the All-Star Break with the most home runs. Since May 1st, he’s hit 46/22/71/.258 and 68 Pork Roll sandwiches. Yum! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Vernon Wells - Hits the DL with a Grade 2 strain. Or as we called it in Grade 2, a boo-boo. He’ll be out 4-6 weeks; I’d drop him. Send your Get Well Soon cards to Toronto c/o Nobody Cares.

Richie Sexson - Was released by the Mariners. I was trying to come up with the perfect Sexson blurb, but all I kept thinking of was “Blechhhh!” So Sexson doesn’t get a blurb, he gets a burp. (BTW, I almost made him the lead, but I realized he’s been a non-story for two years. If he was the lead, his title would’ve been, “My Girl Doesn’t Like Sexson The Bumhole.”)

John Maine - He should’ve dusted the Giants like Mrs. Garrett did the Drummond household. (BTW, “Mrs.” my ass. Unless she was hitched in Hawaii to Paula Poundstone.) I can only assume the forearm cramps are bothering Maine still. Hopefully the All-Star Break gives them time to heal.

Erik Bedard - Hits the DL. But he was more or less on the DL anyway. Eff why eye, I wouldn’t be looking to grab Seattle Mariners for their 2nd half race to a 100 losses.

Moises Alou - Revealed he has a torn left hamstring. I guess peeing on his leg only made it worse. I think this might be the last we see of an Alou until his son, Shlomo, makes it to the majors in 2012.

Justin Upton - Oblique strain, but I think they’ve narrowed it down to somewhere in his abdominal.

Dustin McGowan - Tear in his rotator cuff. Punt.

Kevin Slowey - 6 ER in less than 4 IP. I said I liked him, I never said I loooooved him. For those Twins fetishists out there, I’d prefer Baker in a ball gag.

Justin Morneau - 5-for-5, someone asked in the comments if I liked him better than Atkins. I do. What else do you want me to say?! (I’ll talk more about this in Friday’s afternoon Buy/Sell. Or not! Wait and see! Or not! Actually, these “Or not”s could go on forever. Or not!)

Todd Jones - Blew a save yesterday. Guess how many that is. Go ahead. I’ll wait. *taps foot, picks nose and checks watch* Time’s up! Only his second blown save. Zumaya will see some chances soon, but I don’t know if Jones goes the way of Borowski just yet.

Aaron Harang - Placed on the 15-day DL. Strained forearm. Funny, cause he strained my patience. Supposedly he’ll be back right when his two week DL-stint is over.

Homer Bailey- Being called up to start on Saturday in place of Harang against Brewers. I’m sure the Brewers won’t mind either way.

Steven Pearce - And back down to the minors. When a team makes move as cunning as the Pirates, it’s baffling why they’ve had a losing record since 1992. It’s the Curse of Bream! Why don’t the Pirates invite Bream to Opening Day 2009 and surprise him with a clubbing? Hey, Sid, your fly’s down. Get em, boys! I’m sure Randall Simon’s available to do the clubbing.

Brandon Morrow - Kurt Suzuki took him deep to blow his save. When Suzuki circled the bases, from the way he was smiling, you would’ve thought he just won the World Series, except for the tumbleweeds blowing through the stands.

Dave Bush - 8 IP, 13 Ks, 0 ER, 3 H and one of the best starts of the year. His home/road splits are big enough to take a flier on him when he’s at home, right? I can’t make a ball gag joke and tell you to stay away from Bush in the same post, can I? Am I secure enough in my testes? As Lupe Fiasco might say, “Kick, Bush.”

Zach Greinke/Mark Buehrle/Jeremy Guthrie - Guys I have on quite a few teams. One team, all three — 21 1/3 IP, 19 Ks, 2 ER, .85 WHIP, Zero Wins. I think I’ve been Greinke’d!

Howie Kendrick - I went to a concert last night, so I missed some stuff, but when I came home and saw Kendrick hit two home runs, a few things that passed through my mind, 1. Why did the Rangers bring the outfield in in the 2nd and 5th innings? 2. Did they let Kendrick bat from 2nd base? 3. Why was Corey Feldman pitching for the Rangers? 4. Could I hit a home run in Arlington?  5. Have the Rangers considered a humidor? 6. I went to high school with a kid by the name of Howie. He has more Myspace friends than me. 7. Did they let Kendrick use an aluminum bat? 8. Howie Kendrick is like a poor man’s Polanco. So if Keppinger is Blanco Polanco, what does that make Kendrick? 9. Could ten things actually pass through my mind about Kendrick hitting 2 HRs? 10. Yup.

Hey boys and girls, it’s time to look at all of the fantasy baseball closers again. Now is this every closer? Yes, I just said that. Dur. Why aren’t you listening? Or am I being obtuse? Also this is the majority of setup men. Is this all the setup men? Ugh. It’s a majority of the setup men. You’re what we Italians call a stunod. Now don’t get all heated. My grandfather called me a stunod for twenty years of my life. Now I write a blog. Hmm… I need therapy! So we’re going to break the closers up into three tiers as we always do. The first tier, they’re the girls that won’t date your stunod ass. The second tier, they’re the girls that will date your stunod ass. The third tier, they’re the girls that keep calling your house trying to talk to your wife about the affair you had with them while you were in Buffalo for the weekend. If that’s not clear, wait until your tenth year of alimony and you begin to contemplate how much you would’ve saved just by having some crackhead kill your ex. Anyway, here’s all the closers and most of their setup men for fantasy baseball purposes, of course:

NO-BRAINERS

This tier is filled with a bunch of closers that are too good to be true. They seem indispensable, but they’re not. They just have an allure over you that scares you to trade them away. Set them free and if it’s meant to be… Or some shizz. I don’t know, why don’t you read the Hallmark blog if you want girly nursery rhymes? These closers are as safe as closers get, so trade them away.

1. Joe Nathan, MIN (Matt Guerrier, Dennys Reyes, Jesse Crain)
2. Jonathan Papelbon, BOS (Hideki Okajima)
3. Francisco Rodriguez, LAA (Justin Speier, Scot Shields, Jose Arredondo)
4. Mariano Rivera, NYY (Kyle Farnsworth)
5. Brad Lidge, PHI (J.C. Romero, Ryan Madson)
6. Takashi Saito, LAD (Jonathan Broxton)
7. Joakim Soria, KAN (Ramon Ramirez)
8. Kerry Wood, CHI (Carlos Marmol)

BRAINERS

Greed, Gluttony and Envy are three of the seven deadly sins. Then throw in coveting your neighbor’s closers and masturbating three times a day and fantasy baseball is going to send you straight to hell, unless you focus your energies on these closers, the Brainers. These closers seem risky, but end up paying dividends.

9. Jon Rauch, WAS (Luis Ayala)
10. Billy Wagner, NYM (Duaner Sanchez, Aaron Heilman)
11. Francisco Cordero, CIN (Jared Burton, David Weathers)
12. Brandon Lyon, ARI (Tony Pena, Chad Qualls)
13. Brian Wilson, SAN (Tyler Walker)
14. Mike Gonzalez, ATL (Blaine Boyer, Will Ohman, Rafael Soriano)
15. Jose Valverde, HOU (Doug Brocail)
16. George Sherrill, BAL (Bunch of Schmohawks)
17. Damaso Marte, PIT (Tyler Yates)
18. Trevor Hoffman, SDG (Heath Bell)
19. Kevin Gregg, FLA (Renyel Pinto, Matt Lindstrom)
20. Todd Jones, DET (Joel Zumaya, Fernando Rodney)

BRAIN FREEZE

Saves are wonderful. I love saves! I have Fuentes, Morrow, Kobayashi, Wilson and Franklin on one team! They just combined for two-thirds of an inning and 17 earned runs. OW! Brain freeze! Use the following closers at your own risk.

21. Huston Street, OAK (Santiago Casilla, Alan Embree, Keith Foulke, Joey Devine)
22. Salomon Torres, MIL (Eric Gagne, Guillermo Mota)
23. B.J. Ryan, TOR (Scott Downs)
24. Brian Fuentes, COL (Taylor Buchholz, Manny Corpas)
25. C.J. Wilson, TEX (Eddie Guardado, Joaquin Benoit)
26. Brandon Morrow, SEA (Sean Green)
27. Ryan Franklin, STL (Jason Isringhausen, Chris Perez)
28. Masa Kobayashi, CLE (Rafael Perez, Rafael Betancourt)
29. Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, J.P. Howell, TAM (Al Reyes, Troy Percival)
30. Octavio Dotel, Scott Linebrink, Matt Thornton, CHW (Bobby Jenks)

Grey, Razzball co-founder and something-or-other, called me out yesterday, saying something like, “Hater Bell is probably wearing his fitted Malcom X hat blah blah blah and listening to Mobb Deep and blah blah blah…” If that isn’t the stupid calling the smart stupid. After he put me in Carlos Ruiz in the beginning of the year, he’s lucky I have my hands filled with ESPN’s top fantasy baseball analyst, Karabozo, and don’t have time for him. I have Miguel Olivo on one team because of you, Grey, and that’s the team I’m happy with, you WASPy-looking, Don Mattingly-impersonating, non-gully infidel! I’ll take an uzi to this blog if you step up to me one more time! Anyway, let’s see what utter crap Karabaloney cooked up that has my water boiling. This week he pretended to look at the AL bullpens, but we know he was looking at the pretty colors the sun makes when you stare at it for ten minutes straight. Ladies and Gentleman, Karabaloney:

Morrow should keep the closer job at least another month, pass Putz and save 15 games. Just don’t cut Putz, as he could end up with 15 saves as well.

Brandon Morrow has 6 saves right now for the Mariners, easily the worst team this side of the Potomac. Last week, Morrow suffered from back spasms causing him to miss some time. Morrow is pitching well, but he’s going to save 15 games in a month? The Mariners won’t win 15 games this month. Then Putz is going to return for 15 saves? Seriously, this wouldn’t make sense to a foreign exchange student who never heard of fantasy baseball or English. This is like a new level of stupid. I’m moving on before my ability to think straight is somehow hampered.

Todd Jones has a little hiccup from time to time, but we all know that, so why does a single Joel Zumaya save get everyone so excited?

Cause Todd Jones sucks. Okay, moving on.

Borowski sticks around and gets 12 more saves the rest of the way, finishing at 18.

This was written the day Borowski was removed from the job as closer. Not even the day before. I guess we’re lucky it wasn’t written the day after knowing Karabell’s reading comprehension. Erica Karabell, “Daddy, read to me The Baby-Sitter’s Club!” Eric, “Ask Mommy. Daddy’s playing tic-tac-toe with Matthew Berry.”

Look for Street to continue his success and end up with 33 saves.

Blame Karabell when Street’s traded into a setup role in a week.

Jenks is well protected by a number of pitchers who are ownable in fantasy, so leads will keep coming his way, and he’ll save 38 games.

Not even a mention that Jenks has been bothered by back pain. This pretty much confirms Jenks will continue to have problems. Prepare for Linebrink to be the closer by next week.

Hey, guys, did you know when you press seven numbers on this thing they call a “phone,” you can talk to people that aren’t in the same room as you?

Oh, wait, Karabell didn’t say that. It just seems like he should. Now get the crayons outta your mouth, Karabell, and go get your shinebox!

Hey, boys and girls! It’s that time again to look at all of the major league closers for all the major league teams and all their setup men and all the heartache they bring. Yay! So I had this girl that I invested far too much time in. Like a third round pick investment. We date for two years and I’m blissful. I even Tivo her soap operas! In the end, she left me with a giant hole in my heart and flowery, bathroom wallpaper. I tell you this story because closers are just like dames. You really shouldn’t invest too much love in your closers. You lose a closer, just pickup his replacement or grab someone else’s replacement. It’ll work itself out. Anyway, here’s all the major league closers and all of their setup men:

NO-BRAINERS

This tier is filled with a bunch of no-brainers. Because they’re dumb as dog balls? No, because you are if you fall in love with them and let them break your heart. Trade these closers for needed parts.

1. Francisco Rodriguez, LAA (Justin Speier, Scot Shields, Jose Arredondo)
2. Jonathan Papelbon, BOS (Hideki Okajima)
3. Joe Nathan, MIN (Matt Guerrier, Dennys Reyes, Jesse Crain)
4. Mariano Rivera, NYY (Kyle Farnsworth)
5. Brad Lidge, PHI (Tom Gordon, Ryan Madson)
6. Takashi Saito, LAD (Jonathan Broxton)

BRAINERS

These closers have the potential to save just as many games as the no-brainers. “Then, Grey, why make a different group?” I’m getting to that!  For whatever reason, people don’t like these closers as much as the above closers, so they can be had on the cheap and you can still get saves from them. Saves are what you want. Dur.

7. Joakim Soria, KAN (Ramon Ramirez)
8. Bobby Jenks, CHW (Scott Linebrink, Octavio Dotel)
9. Jon Rauch, WAS (Luis Ayala)
10. Kerry Wood, CHI (Carlos Marmol)
11. Francisco Cordero, CIN (David Weathers)
12. Brandon Lyon, ARI (Tony Pena, Chad Qualls)
13. Trevor Hoffman, SDG (Heath Bell)
14. Billy Wagner, NYM (Duaner Sanchez, Aaron Heilman)
15. Jose Valverde, HOU (Doug Brocail)
16. George Sherrill, BAL (Bunch of Schmohawks)
17. Matt Capps, PIT (Damaso Marte)
18. Brian Wilson, SAN (Tyler Walker)
19. Kevin Gregg, FLA (Renyel Pinto, Matt Lindstrom)
20. Brian Fuentes, COL (Taylor Buchholz, Manny Corpas)

BRAIN FREEZE

Saves are awesome! I love saves! I just got four saves from Torres! Wait, why is Gagne coming back? Ow! Brain freeze! Use the following closers at your own risk.

21. B.J. Ryan, TOR (Scott Downs)
22. Todd Jones, DET (Aquilino Lopez, Fernando Rodney, Joel Zumaya)
23. Joe Borowski, CLE (Masa Kobayashi)
24. Salomon Torres, MIL (Eric Gagne, G. Mota)
25. Troy Percival, TAM (Dan Wheeler, Al Reyes)
26. Ryan Franklin, STL (Jason Isringhausen, Chris Perez)
27. C.J. Wilson, TEX (Eddie Guardado, Joaquin Benoit)
28. Huston Street, OAK (Keith Foulke, Alan Embree, Santiago Casilla, Joey Devine)
29. Brandon Morrow, SEA (Sean Green)
30. Manny Acosta, Mike Gonzalez, Rafael Soriano, Blaine Boyer, Skip Caray, ATL

It’s been a while since I went through all the major league closers and their setup men and where they should be ranked. So I figured I’d break it down for you because knowing all the closers and all of their setup man could be helpful for all of you. A million dollars and a naked Christina Ricci chained to your furnace could also be helpful, but I don’t have a furnace. Anyway, all the major league closers and their setup men seems like something all fantasy baseball players could use, so here it is. BTW, do you see how giving I am? I’m like Jolie-giving. Seriously, I should be wearing a habit and carrying a Malaysian orphan in a baby sling while talking on my solar-powered cellphone.

NO-BRAINERS

This tier is filled with a bunch of no-brainers (Papelbon — a no-brainer! Get it? Oofa!). These closers could get you the most in any trade. I would not hesitate to trade away any of these guys for the right price. In the end, closers are here to get you saves. You could end up with more saves from Rauch than Joe Nathan. When stacked with closers, unstack and trade.

1. Jonathan Papelbon, BOS (Hideki Okajima)
2. Joe Nathan, MIN (Matt Guerrier, Dennys Reyes)
3. Francisco Rodriguez, LAA (Justin Speier, Scot Shields)
4. Mariano Rivera, NYY (Joba Chamberlain)
5. Billy Wagner, NYM (Aaron Heilman)
6. Brad Lidge, PHI (Tom Gordon)
7. Takashi Saito, LAD (Jonathan Broxton)

BRAINERS

These closers seem like they have a lot more risk than they actually do. It takes a real brainer to see how potentially valuable some of these brainers are. If you trade a no-brainer for a brainer and another player, you’re likely coming out on top.

8. Joakim Soria, KAN (Ramon Ramirez, Leo Nunez)
9. Francisco Cordero, CIN (David Weathers)
10. Jon Rauch, WAS (Luis Ayala)
11. Bobby Jenks, CHW (Scott Linebrink, Octavio Dotel)
12. Brandon Lyon, ARI (Tony Pena, Chad Qualls)
13. Trevor Hoffman, SDG (Heath Bell, Cla Meredith)
14. Jose Valverde, HOU (Doug Brocail)
15. Brian Fuentes, COL (Manny Corpas, Taylor Buchholz)
16. J.J. Putz, SEA (Brandon Marrow, Sean Green)
17. Matt Capps, PIT (Damaso Marte)
18. Brian Wilson, SAN (Tyler Walker)
19. Kevin Gregg, FLA (Renyel Pinto)
20. Kerry Wood, CHC (Bob Howry, Carlos Marmol)
21. George Sherrill, BAL (Bunch of Schmohawks)

BRAIN FREEZE

At some point soon, you’re going to squeeze your temples and grimace like you just ate a pint of Dreyer’s. All of these guys should be traded after they go on a string of few saved games, assuming they go on a string of a few saved games.

22. Huston Street, OAK (Keith Foulke, Joey Devine)
23. Troy Percival, TAM (Dan Wheeler, Al Reyes)
24. B.J. Ryan, TOR (Scott Downs)
25. Manny Acosta, Rafael Soriano, Blaine Boyer, et al, ATL (John Smoltz)
26. Rafael Betancourt/Masa Kobayashi, CLE (Joe Borowski)
27. Todd Jones, DET (Clay Rapada, Aquilino Lopez, Fernando Rodney)
28. Eric Gagne, MIL (Salomon Torres, G. Mota)
29. C.J. Wilson, TEX (Eddie Guardado, Joaquin Benoit)
30. Ryan Franklin/Russ Springer, STL (Jason Isringhausen)