Fantasy Baseball Advice

I just want to put it out there, I love Eric Young Jr. I have a plan in place to have Prince Fielder have a long discussion Eric Young Jr. about nogoodnik fathers and step in as EY Jr.’s surrogate.  We will vacation in Orlando and try faux exotic foods at Epcot, like Greek and Spanish.  When Eric Young Jr. Jr. needs someone to go to the PTA meetings, I will be there.  When Erica Young needs a date to a cousin’s wedding or something, the tux will be rented, the corsage will be picked from a neighbor’s yard and the Drakkar will be spritzed.  I will be Sandra Bullock and Eric Young will be my very own Michael Oher.  (BTW, I liked The Blind Side better when it was called Diff’rent Strokes.)  And if that doesn’t all work out as planned, I’ll own him in fantasy for steals.  Don’t you people need some MI speed?  Own him.  Now.  Chop-chop.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week:

BUY

Jose Tabata – I mentioned to Rudy I was going to do a Buy lead-in with Jose Tabata and he said, “That’s about as dated as your mustache.”  But, Rudy, he’s hitting near-.500 over the last week with steals and a little pop and he’s only owned in 23% of ESPN leagues.  Rudy, “You running for President of the Jose Tabata Fan Club?”  Yes, yes I am.

Cameron Maybin – Who knew I’d recommend him?  Show of hands.  Okay, you can put your hands down now.  “Teach, I just want to go to the bathroom.”

Scott Podsednik – Manny’s about to exit stage left and Pods will get playing time again.  SAGNOF!

Marcus Thames – The Yankees have about 6 of these interchangeable DH-types.  Continued in the next blurb…

Austin Kearns – Number two of interchangeable Yankee DHs.  You can’t own either (or both, for that matter) without having an extra bench bat.  They don’t play every day, but when they do play they can give you HRs and RBIs.

Koji Uehara – Now for the SAGNOF portion of our program.

Evan Meek – I wouldn’t go two deep for saves in Pittsburgh unless I were in a dogfight for points in the saves category.  Meek and Hanrahananananan may only get a total of 4 saves between them in the whole month of September.

Hisanori Takahashi – Confirmed closer for the Mets, should be owned in every league.  Au Bon Japan!

Ivan Nova – With Javy Vazquez moving to the bullpen until TBA, Nova moves into the rotation until TBA.  Nova had more than an adequate time in Triple-A this year (2.86 ERA, 1.26 WHIP, 7+ K/9).  On the Yankees he should be serviceable and get some Wins, but there’s always a chance he drops something in your drink and you wake up walking like you were just jumping hurdles.

Jordan Zimmermann – The pitch count restrictions worry me a bit with Zimmermann.  Do you need a starter to go 5 IP and give up 2 ER and walk away with a no-decision?  I don’t.  I have plenty of those guys on my staff.  Though Zimmermann is a must own in deep keepers.

Bud Norris – Just went over my Bud Norris fantasy.  If you click that link, it magically transports the post back a few days.  It’s like a time machine for words.

Daniel Hudson – Stop me if you’ve heard me tout him–

Kila Ka’aihue – Big Time Masher, Poi!  The Good Eyein’ Hawaiian!  Mauna Kila!  Choose your own nickname, and grab him if you’re hurting at corner infidel.

Mike Moustakas – He appeared in the 2010 September call-ups post.  There I said, “Has a cool… …gyro recipe… …and a picture of …Mr. Bungles… Keep effing that chicken…”  Hmm… Could’ve pulled a more coherent quote.

Dustin Ackley – Also, appeared in that September call-ups post.  I’m not very high on Ackley right now, but he should be owned in AL-Only and keeper leagues at this point.

Todd Helton – Trying to find something positive to say about him…  Dang, whatever.  He’s hitting, that’s all I got.

Juan Uribe – He gets absurdly hot at times and he’s coming off two straight games with a homer.  Since he has shortstop eligibility, he probably should be owned anyway.

Jhonny Peralta – I’ll probably write an entire post about this.  For now, shorthand.  It’s practically September.  You can’t hold underperforming guys and let hot hitters sit on waivers.  Is Silent H a great player?  Nope, but he’s hot.

Stephen Drew – Has 7 homers in August.  That’s two off the major league lead in homers for this month.  That’s one more homer than Tulo and Holliday combined.

Ryan Raburn – I told you to pick him up in the July 30th Buy/Sell.  This is the fourth week in a row I’ve told you to pick him up.  Do you hear me?!  Don’t make me come back there!

SELL

Mike Stanton – Drop him, he looks like the K’ing of Wishful Swings right now.  Obviously you ignore said advice in keepers.

James Loney – Has 8 homers and 9 steals with a .277 average on the year.  That’s not a 1st baseman; that’s a middle infielder.  Ian Desmond’s beating those numbers.  You own this guy?

Nick Markakis – I think I’ve already mentioned dropping him, but here he is again because I hate him and his stupid face.  You thought Loney’s season numbers were bad; check out Markakis.  8 homers and 6 steals with a .287 average.  It’s an impostor in his body — Dick Fartakis.

Stephen Strasburg – The pitcher whose stuff is so inspirational that both his first and last names start with St. looks like he’ll be martyring his 2011 season.  Evidently he’s mortal because he needs Dr. Freeze to save his ulnar collateral ligament.  Yup, the dreaded Tommy John surgery.  If you have him in a keeper league, put on some Sting, shed the necessary tears for the pitcher you love, and then set him free.  But try to snag him for a low bid next year’s draft so you can get keeper rights for 2012.

The first time Manny Ramirez went on waivers was before the 2004 season when the Sawx dared any team to accept his $20MM/year contract.  No one did and he helped the Sawx win the World Series.  Now it’s the Dodgers’ turn.  Say goodbye to Mannywood?  Could be.  If no one dares take him, the McCourts will be fighting over custody of him during the divorce proceedings (You take him…No, you take him…No, you take him to Central Park and let him play on the jungle gym then, when he falls, carry him 20 blocks to the nearest ER).  Hopefully for Manny’s sake, the Patron Saint of Bad Contracts (Kenny Williams of the ChiSox) claims him.  If Manny goes to a new team, it could invigorate him like a healthy dose of estrogen.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Octavio Dotel – In the closerousel in L.A., Dotel recorded the save.  Broxton worked a perfect 8th, then Torre threw three relievers in the ninth with none of them being Kuo.  Of course not, why would Kuo be used?  He was only labeled the closer replacement while Broxton figures his shizz out.  Assuming no meltdowns, Broxton will be the closer again soon.

Russell Branyan – In his last ten games, he has 6 homers in only 6 hits.  It’s like he’s playing Intellivision.

Madison Bumgarner – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  After the Giants beat up on the Reds lefty rookie pitcher (Wood), the Reds returned the favor on the Giants’ Bumgarner.  If there was any team you think would go easy on a lefty, it’s the Reds but they’ve now hit two solid lefties in a row.

Pablo Sandoval – 4-for-6 with a steal.  He’s also 10 for his last 17.  He’s much cuter when he’s hitting.

Juan Uribe – 3-for-6 with a homer in his 2nd straight game.  Uribe gets crazy hot at times; this could be one of those times.  Act like you know, MC Lyte.

Homer Bailey – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Wasn’t a great few days to be a pitcher in AT&T.  I’d continue to hold Bailey for now.

Joey Votto – 4-for-7 with 2 homers.  You know those mannequins that you put in your passenger seat so you can illegally ride in the carpool lane?  I have one of those outfitted in a Votto jersey.  Last week, we went to see Eat Pray Love at a drive-in, but we didn’t watch much of the movie.

Brandon League – Recorded the save in yesterday’s game even though Aardsma hadn’t been used in a few games.  Something could be going on with Aardsma; I grabbed League in a few, uh, leagues.

Kila Ka’aihue – Two games, two homers.  It’s on like Steve Wiebe from The King of Kong hitting a bong with some Vietcong.

Stephen Drew – 4-for-4 with 2 homers.  From a guy who hasn’t had an extended hot streak for almost two years, this game was long overdue.

Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Nationals aren’t quite the pushover they have been in the past (partially because Nyjer Morgan will throw a ball at your head if you talk smack).  This was just a solid start from a guy who has become a very reliable fourth fantasy starter.  He’s like Ted Lilly-lite.

Adam Dunn – Made a cameo in last night’s Top Chef.  He ate all the cheftestants’ dishes and then sucked up the Potomac River to quench his thirst.  BTW, gray tuna?  What, was it wearing an away uniform?

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer.  Soriano hit his 21st homer in this game.  Are there two guys that got older overnight than these two?  Oh, wait, here’s one…

Todd Helton – 3-for-5, hitting around .350 in the last week.  SPOILER ALERT!  I already wrote my lukewarm recommendation for Helton in Friday’s Buy/Sell.

Huston Street – Was seen warming up (by me) in the bullpen, but Tracy stayed with Belisle since Street had worked a few days in a row.

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-5 with his 10th steal.  *Grey drools*

Dexter Fowler – 1-for-3 with a Paul O’Neill homer (triple + error).

Omar Infante – 1-for-5 with his 7th homer, third in the majors in hitting since the All-Star Break.  BTW, the Rockies and Giants both came back from 9 run deficits on the same day.  Somewhere Tim Kurkijan is making dolphin noises.

Logan Morrison – 3-for-5, has hit in nine of his last ten games (still with no power).  In 101 ABs, he has 14 BBs and only 19 Ks with a .391 OBP.  At 23 years old!  Yeah, I’ll be targeting him next year.

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-5 as he hit leadoff.  Every time I try to get out, Maybin sucks me back in.

Alex Sanabia – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K.  Could roofie you at any time, but he looks to be emerging as a decent spot starter.

J.A. Happ – Revenge is a dish best served over 6 1/3 innings while giving up only 2 earned runs.

Michael Bourn – Hit a home run.  I didn’t see it, but I’m assuming they let him hit from 2nd base.

Jimmy Rollins – 0-for-4, hitting .245, Victorino hitting .254, Utley’s at .271.  Right now, the Phillies look pretty listless.

Marcus Thames – Two homers, two games.  Since Berkman’s out with old age, Thames has seen pretty frequent starts.   He’s also hitting over .300 over the last week and you know he has power.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs with his 21st homer.  I switched to a new blood pressure medicine, so I don’t want to even discuss how Napoli will probably be benched in the Angels’ next game.  Sciosciapath!

Howie Kendrick – 5-for-6 with a RBI and 2 Runs.  Since most of his fantasy value comes from his average, it’s good to see him finally get it up to .285.  I’d put Kendrick on a short list of the most overrated players in fantasy.  He’s owned in 100% of ESPN leagues.  Ian Desmond, who really hasn’t been far away from him in value, is at 35%.  Well, whatever.  Can’t solve the world’s problems.

Dan Haren – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Comatose Angels Fan, “Hey, been in this coma since March and just woke up yesterday.  Awesome that we got Haren and we’re scoring 12 runs a game!  We must be in first by what?  10 games?”   Off my head shake.  “Damn, those stupid Mariners are in front of us, aren’t they?”  You should sit down, Comatose Angels Fan.

Jake Westbrook – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Looks like the novelty of the new league might be wearing off.

Aaron Hill – Hit his 19th homer, too bad he’s hitting .208 on the year.  How does one even hit .208 over 414 at-bats?  That’s 42 points off Adam Dunn’s career average.

Trevor Cahill – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  It’s appropriate his last name starts with a hard C, not a K.

Jeff Niemann – 3 1/3 IP, 10 ER.  Hopefully you forgot to activate him.  Personally, I’d forget to own him.

Jason Jaso – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Doesn’t have much power, but Jaso hits leadoff and has a .391 OBP.

Brian Matusz – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  It took to almost the point where he’s about to get shutdown, but he’s been dominant of late.  In his last 5 starts, he has an ERA of 2.32.  It’s hard to recommend him because of his team and division, but he really can be this good.

Koji Uehara – Great, now this schmohawk is the closer.  Earth to Buck Showalter, Mike Gonzalez has closer stuff!  Buck said he won’t name a closer so you can either lose all of them or hold one.  I’d hold Uehara simply because he’s recorded the last two saves.

Gordon Beckham – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Ozzie kills most of his value with the nine hole placement, but he has been hitting lately.

Dustin Pedroia – Francona arranged for Pedroia to talk to Michael Jordan because he suffered from a similar injury back in 1985.  I know how this story ends.  Jordan lures Pedroia to Vegas where his scrappiness and spunk are useless against the 15s and 16s he gets dealt at the blackjack table.  He gets out of town with only his stubble and a pair of Hanes he got from Jordan.

Josh Beckett – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Mariners.  According to Beckett, the Mariners offense is worth as much as an Alvin Davis rookie card.

Jose Bautista hit his 39th and 40th home runs last night.  As frequent commenter, VinWins, pointed out yesterday, in the Blue Kays last 162 games, Bautista has 50 homers.  Okay, I was way off with this guy, but Jose Bautista didn’t see this year coming.  His own mother doesn’t recognize him.  Every morning he wakes up wondering if the last five months were a dream.  This is the craziest home run year since Scooter McGillicuddy blasted 6 homers in 1901 while battling scurvy.  Bautista hadn’t hit 30 homers in the past two years combined in twice as many games.  His HR/FB% is nearly double his career mark.  His fly balls are through the roof, literally.  His Isolated Power is near Babe Ruth’s career mark.  The HR department thinks Bautista lied on his resume.  A mouth enters on the left side of the screen and says, “Im,” a mouth enters on the right side and says, “Probable.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Hello, beautiful.  I hate AL East pitchers, but I might just own Morrow on all of my teams next year.  Right after, I draft Daniel Hudson.

Ivan Nova – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  In the minors, he had a 2.86 ERA in 145 IP and around a 7 K/9 rate.  He’s not guaranteed another start, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see him face the A’s next week.  It’s not a terrible spot starter for the Yankees or for your fantasy team.  And he would’ve made a great pitcher-catcher combination with Mike Scioscia.

Jeremy Bonderman – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Decent enough start, but he’s coming off 3 atrocious games and has a 5.27 ERA on the year.  You want an ulcer?  Ask your girlfriend which friend of yours she would sleep with if you weren’t dating her.  Don’t pickup Bonderman.

Brett Myers – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Gets the win in his first start against his old team.  When asked how it felt to beat the Phillies, he said, “I’ll always love the Phillies but sometimes you have to beat the ones you love.”

Joe Blanton – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Actually outpitched Myers and has 3 decent starts in his last four and goes to Petco next.

James Shields – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Now has back-to-back quality starts, but has a 4.76 ERA on the year and gets the Sawx next.  I’d look elsewhere if you can.

Michael Bourn – 3-for-4, 2 SBs.  That’s now a robust .252 with 1 HR and 27 RBIs to go with the 42 SBs.  Someone is running for presidency of the SAGNOF Foundation when Juan Pierre’s term expires.

Blake DeWitt – 3-for-5 with his 4th homer.  His power and speed are very limited, but he’s hitting over .350 in the last week.

Casey Coleman – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He had an under 5 K/9 in the minor leagues this year.  That’s longhand for blech.

Stephen Strasburg – Headed to the DL with a strained flexor tendon but the Nats’ GM Rizzo wouldn’t rule out Strasburg from pitching again this year.  If I may read between the lines, Ratso is saying, “Please continue to buy tickets with the hope Strasburg will pitch again even though he’s not.  Thank you for your patronage.”

Jordan Zimmerman – J. Z’s coming back again.  He’s got 99 problems but a pitch ain’t one.  This Thursday he returns after putting up a 1.59 ERA in the minors with nearly a K/IP.  Last year, 92 Ks in 91 1/3 IP.  I’d absolutely grab him in all leagues.

Edinson Volquez – 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners.  This is only his 2nd bad start out of 7 this year but his lack of control (more than 6 BB/9 IP) makes him a very risky mixed-league start.  I wouldn’t play Volquez unless it was MLB-sponsored Scrabble.

Alberto Callaspo – 2-for-4 and batting over .400 in the last week.  Also, batting near-.350 in August.  Not going to give you much power or speed, but he’s hitting for average and batting third.

Andres Torres – 1-for-3 with his 13th homer.  Still not clear how Cody Ross is working into the picture, but I’m guessing Torres’ playing time should be relatively safe.  Guillen and Burrell might have some splainin’ to do.

Rich Harden – Came off the DL to throw 6 2/3 hitless innings.  It seems like he always has a great start coming off the DL.  Unfortunately, those have been his only good 5 starts all season.

Jeff Mathis – 0-for-3 with 2 Ks.  Batting .197 on the year.  Has played 5 of the last six games.  Napoli leads the Angels in homers.  Napoli leads the major leagues in homers by catchers.  Napoli sat yesterday.

Jim Edmonds – Pulled from the game with a strained oblique that he injured while swinging.  Same thing once happened to a creepy guy at Hedonism.  Stubbs could see more playing time as a result.  That’s a pretty lukewarm endorsement of Stubbs.

Todd Helton – 4-for-4 as he answers the question, “Is Helton retired?”

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-3 with his 20th steal.  Good to see him run since he just returned from a knee injury.

Ross Ohlendorf – After giving up a walk and a single, he left with a shoulder injury.  Call him Ailindorf.

Jose Tabata – 3-for-4 with his 13th steal as he bats .381 in his last 7 games.  I’m still on the fence with how much I’m going to like Tabata next year.  Feel free to push me one way or the other.

John Lackey/Kyle Lohse – Both have had painful seasons but had great starts.  Of course, it was against Seattle and Pittsburgh respectively.  Those two teams score less than the Chess Club.

In the clubhouse after last night’s game, the Nats watched as ESPN reported Strasburg wasn’t pitching until Friday so there was nothing to talk about.  Nothing to say about Adam Dunn.  Nothing to say about that Zimmerman guy.  Josh Will-something… They couldn’t even remember his name.  The team stopped watching the highlights, upset they were nothing but Anthony Edwards to Strasburg’s Clooney.  Knowing something had to be done, Dunn left the clubhouse as he always had – by reaching up, removing the ceiling and climbing out.  Then he jumped on the back of a blue ox and circled the globe until time rewound to before the game.  Dunn then went out and hit his 18th, 19th and 20th homers while rocking a .280 average on the year.  Now after the game, ESPN reported Dunn hit 3 homers, specifying it came just two days prior to Strasburg’s next start.  Dunn shrugged, it was a start as he ripped the blue ox’s leg off and had dinner.  Hee-haw!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Desmond – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Now has 6 homers and 6 steals on the year.  Ever heard of the slow boat to China?  Yeah, Desmond’s on the slow boat to 12/12.

Todd Helton – Placed on the DL with a sore back.  He needs his Bond girl, Miss Aja Chair.

Brad Eldred – 3-for-4, 3 Runs.  Was called up in the wake of Helton’s old age.  Eldred has monster power and a poor average.  In NL-Only leagues, I’d grab him for the chance at lightning in a bottle.  I’d say grab him in mixed leagues too, but he may not see all the playing time over Giambi.  Depends how quickly Giambi’s defense and fragility (<–hey, it’s Italian!) expose themselves.

Dexter Fowler – A three-run homer as he showed that Fowler power.

Chris Iannetta – 3 games, 3 homers.  As if it needs to be said, but this is not good for Miguel Olivo.

Matt Garza – Picked up the save.  Soriano had pitched four days in a row so Maddon opted for Garza on his throw day.  Or maybe Maddon owns Hellickson in a keeper and wants to see Garza get hurt.  Hard to say.

David Price – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Hopefully he doesn’t need to close out Sunday’s game.

Marc Rzepczynski – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks in The RZE’s return from a fractured finger.  Shame on a finga!  The consonant monger had a great K-rate in the minors and is worth a flier in AL-Only leagues.

Delmon Young – Hit his 10th homer yesterday while suffering a sprained wrist.  Delmon said his wrist should be F-I-N-E, fine.  He spelled it out gangsta-style.

Orlando Hudson – 3-for-4 with a homer.  I yawned while I typed his name.

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his third homer in two games.  Think it’s safe to get him back in the lineup now.

Josh Johnson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now leads the majors with a 1.70 ERA.  C’mon, Marlins, trade him for some prospects, you know you wanna.

Mike Stanton – 2nd game in a row with a homer.  Definitely can mollywhop with the best of them, but he can be a drain on average for this year.

Dan Uggla – 3-for-3 as he hits .285 on the year.  Bet you’re glad you avoided him in March with his terrible average.

Casey Kotchman – 2 homers yesterday as he emphatically answered the question, “Is Casey Kotchman retired, playing 1st for the M’s or in the minors?”

Doug Fister – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K as the Fister/Johnson battery made Mariner fans wince.

Chad Qualls – I see your confidence Kirk Gibson and I raise you an inning thrown and three runs given up.

Edwin Jackson – 5 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Hey, at least he didn’t need 149 pitches.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Whoever the pitching coach was in Triple-A who fixed Scherzer, he might think about applying for a job in the big leagues.

Buster Posey – 4-for-4, 6 RBIs and two homers.  Let’s hope he doesn’t work out with Wieters in the offseason.

Andres Torres – 2-for-5 with his 5th homer.  He also has 17 steals.  Incredibly, Torres is headed for a 10/30 year.  That is all… But that should be enough.

Carlos Lee – For the 2nd straight day, Lee and his “I’m too old for this shizz” brother in arms, Berkman homered.

Jayson Nix – Now with his 5th homer in 5 games.  Maybe Nix hired Marcus Giles as his strength and conditioning coach.

Matt Holliday – 4-for-5, 4 Runs, 2 RBIs and 2 more homers in Coors.  Hey, I know that one… 2007 Matt Holliday, right?  Cool impersonation!

Jake Peavy – To the DL and off to see Dr. Freeze, but this doesn’t affect anyone who reads Razzball because I told you to avoid Peavy this year.  What?  You didn’t listen?  Aw, that’s a sad story.  Here’s a tissue.  Taking over for Peavy, will be D-Hud.  To see my Daniel Hudson fantasy, click that thingamabobber.

Carlos Quentin – Could be out until Friday with a sore knee.  His knee obviously doesn’t own him in fantasy.

Aaron Hill – Was out with a stomach virus.  Interestingly enough, his owners haven’t been able to stomach him all year.

Martin Prado – 2 homers yesterday, now has 10 homers on the year with a .336 average and 61 Runs.  Yeah, he’s going to be overrated next year.

Matt Diaz – Hit a homer.  Sure, it was off Gimme Moyer, but, more importantly, what is Gimme?  *taps finger, cracks neck, yawns*  He’s a lefty!  Diaz eats lefties for breakfast.

Shane Victorino – Hit his 13th homer yesterday to keep pace with Ryan Howard, who hit his 16th.  Now if Howard had 17 steals to match Victorino, they’d be close in fantasy value.

Bronson Arroyo – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  In 303 1/3 innings over the last three years, he has a 3.06 ERA in the 2nd half.  Okay, that’s the last time I’m mentioning it (until he pitches well again).

Jonathan Niese – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I could make the case that Niese is having a better season than Pelfrey.  If I were to make that case, I’d talk about K-rate and xFIP.  That’s if I were to make that case.

Sean Gallagher – Pirates received Gallagher for cash.  The unconfirmed cash figure was seventeen dollars, but the Pirates had a Has-Been Prospect coupon.  If you’re going to pick up Gallagher, you better put on a raincoat because he can get messy when he takes a mallet to your team’s ERA/WHIP.

It’s always fun when a player is traded from one team to another and doesn’t gain or lose any value whatsoever.  Can’t wait for Moneyball:  The Movie.  After the last image of Billy Beane patting Scott Hatteberg on the butt, the screen fades.  Over black, we read:  After three straight sub-.500 years, Billy Beane, still finding value where no one else is, traded for Conor Jackson, who failed to impress anyone ever but had a career .358 On Base Percentage.  (I imagine Hollywood would spell out OBP.)  Not one dry eye in the entire theater.  Of course, the only ones in the theater are A’s fans, nevertheless!  Pursue Jackson timidly in AL-Only leagues.  Meanwhile, Gerardo Parra will take over for CoJo.  This Parra doesn’t walk people, he runs.  Unfortunately, he hasn’t run enough to make him that interesting in mixed leagues.  Parra’s upside is 7 homers, 15 steals.  He shouldn’t be a liability on average.  Obviously, picking him up depends on your league, but he can be grabbed in NL-Only leagues.  In most mixed leagues, I think there’s gotta be someone more suave than Gerardo.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aaron Heilman – Will officially take over for Qualls.  Every since Qualls had kneecap n’ crunch last year, he hasn’t seemed right.  Hinch says he’ll let Qualls work in non-pressure situations so he can regain the closer role down the road.  So in leagues where you were hoping to lose him, Qualls once again provides no relief.  Pun point!

Chris Resop – Braves called up Resop because they had no choice due to an out-clause in his contract.  Resop dominated Triple-A to the tune of 1.84 ERA and 81 Ks in 73 1/3 innings.  Right now, he’s nothing more than a middle reliever that gave up 5 earned runs in 2 innings yesterday.

Chipper Jones – 2-for-5 with his 4th homer.  Word is that he’s retiring after this year.  Hopefully he’s not put in charge of the kids’ carpool.  Young lady, don’t for a second think I’m going to believe you were late to school because your father pulled a hammy pouring orange juice.

Melky Cabrera – 2-for-5 and batting near .400 in the last week.  He provides light power and speed, so even a warm Melky will put you to sleep outside of deep leagues.

Chad Billingsley – Placed on the DL with a strained groin.  I blame Alyssa Milano.

Manny Ramirez – Now 6 for his last 8 with 2 homers in his last five games.  This reminds me of what Carlos Lee did recently.  I don’t think Manny’s completely done.  He will get to 25 homers, so now’s as good a time as any.

Matt Lindstrom – Dealing again with back issues from men’s fitness.  Lyon’s the pickup in the mean’s while.  BTW, I wrote the last sentence in a British accent.  Ta!

Justin Masterson -  7 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 2 Ks.  It’s of little consolation, but Jason Donald should’ve been charged with 4 of his runs.  If you can’t hit, at least try and field.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many infield hits in one game.  Wright had an infield single that scored two runners.  I watched it and I’m not even sure how it’s possible.

Travis Hafner – Usually the only reason to own Hafner is to use his head to crack open walnuts, but he has 4 homers in his last 6 games.

Ryan Raburn – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his first homer.  Leyland is so gooftarded that he hit Raburn leadoff.  A guy with a .242 OBP and a .165 average.  Why did he do this?  Because Raburn was playing centerfield for Austin Jackson, who usually hits leadoff.  Somebody please give Leyland some Liquid Paper so he can change around his lineup card.

Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks.  The line looks okay, but I watched the game and he was pretty touch and go like your Uncle who has to register when he moves.

Mark Teixeira – He hit a pop-up that went out for a homer.  The Sphinx sitting in front of Yankee Stadium asks, how is Teixeira hitting .229 with only 10 homers in that park?

Milton Bradley – Hit his 3rd homer in his last 5 games.  I’d grab him in leagues where you need a hot outfielder.  BTW, Milton’s name was the 666th word of this post.  Red rum!

Ervin Santana – 5 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After giving up 6 runs in the first two innings, he battled back to make the line look less hideous.  Though the aim of “less hideous” probably wasn’t your goal when owning Ervin.  Or to be time appropriate, goooooooal.

Jeff Suppan – 4 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Suppan would’ve pitched the 5th but Dave Duncan, using all his powers for a respectable 4 innings, self-combusted.

Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4 with his 13th homer as Colby tells me where I can shove my HR/FB%.

C.J. Wilson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (6 BBs), 6 Ks.  You may be wondering how someone can walk that many in a 6 inning game and only give up 2 earned.  Easy.  It was an interleague game in an NL park.

Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks offah Yawkey.  You shouldn’t have started him here anyway.

Pedro Alvarez – Latest news that I’ve heard is he’s starting today.  If you know better, get smug.

Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-4 with 3 steals.  I love winning steals in H2H on the first full day of games.  That is all.

Matt Tolbert – Hit a home run.  And that’s The Tolbert Report.

Delmon Young – 3-for-4, 2 Runs and a RBI.  Just pick him up and see where it takes you.

Tyler Colvin – 2-for-4 and a home run.  Steve Stone demanded Colvin get more time, Piniella pretended like it was his idea and Colvin’s responding.

David Hernandez – Got the save yesterday even with Simon back.  After watching Hernandez hit 96 MPH, I kinda think the O’s should just stay with him.  He has more closery stuff, but he is wild as any turkey ever was.  I’d continue to hold both Hernandez and Simon until someone emerges.

Brian Roberts – Out for another 6 weeks.  Maybe he’s trying to save up his energy for his run at 2011′s Comeback Player honors.  Even after 6 weeks, he still has to go to the minors to rehab, which is a chance to reinjure himself.  Then if he does play for the O’s, he’s not going to be stealing like he would.  If you got a mediocre 30 games from him this year, I’d be impressed.

Adam Jones – 2-for-4 with a homer and hitting .342 over his last ten games.  It’s not Player of the Month-type gas, but at least he’s cooking with something.

Joe Martinez – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Can’t believe the Giants chose Joe Martinez instead of Bumgarner.  Shouldn’t he be Jose Martinez?  Or Joe Martin?

Felipe Paulino – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER, 14 baserunners, 2 Ks and 6 fantasy owner’s teeth that he kicked in.

Todd Helton – I saw the box score and it read Helton (2, 6th inning blah blah blah) and I was like, “Wow, Helton hit two homers,” then I realized I read it wrong and he only has 2 homers on the year.  Maybe Helton and Chipper can alternate carpool days.  BTW, I have a new feature that I want implemented into all box scores.  In-game box scores should have a little symbol that indicates who is in line for the Win.  Can be an asterisk, I don’t care.  But when it’s a 5-4 game in the 8th and both starters are out, I want to know who’s in line for the Win.  I don’t know how we get this implemented.  But I want it now!

Clay Buchholz – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Whoa, I’m having a vision of the future.  I’m seeing Buchholz win 18 games to lead the AL, finish in the top 3 in the Cy Young voting and become overrated for next season.  Oh, and in the future Ashton Kutcher does a movie with a talking rooster that is voiced by Brad Garrett.  It’s called Dumb Cock.

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks and has a 1.86 ERA on the year.  As his brother Gosh says, “Golly.”