Fantasy Baseball Advice

Hunter Pence has a patella tendon strain and won’t play until this weekend.  Though, more likely, he’s not playing much more in the regular season.  Don’t you love H2H leagues?  What I don’t understand is how you can fantasy baseball, which is a shizzload more intensive than fantasy football, then leave the end of the season up to luck like it’s fantasy football.  I enjoy my one or two H2H leagues, but only because I have ten roto leagues to offset the silly luck factor of H2H.  You draft a great team, then your first 5 round picks are sitting out in the finals of H2H?  Don’t tell me injuries happen in real baseball playoffs, so this simulates that.  Real baseball is played over 162 games, not week to week on who has, say, the most Holds.  So I like H2H, but don’t make as if its playoff system makes sense.  As for Pence, find someone else to fill in p to the ronto.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Todd Helton – Unlikely to return this season with back issues.  It’s probably because when he sits on his bottom, his back can go to the top of its slide.  Helton Skelton!

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-4 with his 24th steal and 3rd steal in his last 4 games.  Sure, Rockies, now play Young like he’s a rookie scrub who you’re just feeling out, unsure if he can play in the majors.  I hate the Rockies.  Today I’m officially starting the trade Eric Young Jr. to the Twins Campaign.  Gardy will let Young play and run and the M in MI in MN stands for mess.  All money donated to the site will not go to the Eric Young Jr. to the Twins Campaign, but we can pretend it will.

Phil Hughes – Scratched from Wednesday’s start with back issues.  I hope he returned the favor to Brian Cashman.  That’s how the world works, Phil!

Robinson Cano – Hit his 12th HR in the 2nd half to go along with an AVG near .320.  Imagine how much better those stats would be if it weren’t for the HR Derby Win jinx!

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  In case The Wandwagon isn’t mentioned next week, I just want to say with his 3.51 ERA and decent Ks (164 in 184 2/3 IP) he’s proven once again to be a serviceable fantasy starter without the flash.  You’re blue collar, Wandy, and for that I respect you.

Josh Beckett – 7 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Done in by two HRs by Mark Reynolds.  Maybe Godot had the scouting report on how to get him out.

Matt Garza – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  It’s an extravaGarza!

Chase Headley – 0-for-2, 1 RBI and a sacrifice.  Oh yeah, baby, he’s back!

Anthony Bass – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K in Coors.  I’m seriously considering doing a weekly podcast next year and, if I do, the first order of business will be finding someone to compose a Hodgepadre song.  In related news, the Rockies are really phoning it in this September.

Tommy Hunter – Left his start with a strained groin.  Wouldn’t wanna be near his colander.

John Mayberry Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs.  Yes, the Phillies are phoning it in even worse than the Rockies, but the good thing about a team phoning it in is they’ll play guys like Mayberry every day.

Wilson Ramos – 3-for-3 with his 2nd homer in his last three games.  Okay, pop quiz, hotshot!  Who’s gonna be more valuable next year, Wilson Ramos or Jesus Montero?  Laughably obvious?  Or is it?

Brett Lawrie – Out for the year with a fractured finger.  First, House doesn’t win at the Emmys, now this.

Dan Haren – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Might miss his last start after being hit by a liner on the wrist.  His owners get pist.

Peter Bourjos – 3-for-4 with the slam & legs.  Now has 12 homers and 22 steals.  Next year he might be my number one “Get this guy in every league” guy.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see him get to 15 homers and 40 steals.  He’s gonna be Stubbs without the .240 average.

Vernon Wells – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Hey, all you need is a short term hot schmotato and at least I’m not recommending Derrek Lee.  Oh, wait, a second…

Derrek Lee – 3-for-4 with a homer.  Now has three homers in the last 8 days.  Grey’s recommending Derrek Lee again, there goes the neighborhood.

Ross Ohlendorf – 2 IP, 7 ER.  Now has given up 31 earned runs in 33 and a 1/3 innings with a 1.99 WHIP.  Swollendwarf!

Lucas Duda – Left yesterday’s game due to dizziness after crashing into the right field wall.  Forget about moving the fences in, the Mets should move the fences back.

Brent Morel – Hit his 4th homer in the last ten games.  Brent Morel is looking Septacular!

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  This doesn’t have much to do with fantasy baseball (like Swollendwarf does), but does anyone else get the feeling that the Ubaldo deadline trade is gonna be one that the Indians look back on in ten years and regret?

Travis Hafner – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Pick him up and think about the fun you can have at the end of the season when someone looks at your roster and you have Derrek Lee, Vernon Wells and Hafner.  When they ask you how’d you win, you can freak them out by telling them it’s really 2006 and you hope Bob Barker hosts The Price Is Right forever.

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I’m sure you’ll hear more about this when we go over our teams in the offseason, but after we inexplicably dropped Vazquez from our LABR team he’s put up 137 innings, 2.89 ERA, 1.02 WHIP, 9 Wins and 126 Ks.  Pretty much would’ve been leading our team from that point on.  He’s also been the topic of more discussion on IM between Rudy and I than maybe any other player.  Usually goes like this, “F**king Vazquez!”  “I know.”  “Seriously, f**k him!”  “I hate his face.”

Logan Morrison – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games.  He’s just lucky the minor league season is over so he can’t be demoted.

Bronson Arroyo – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Oh, no, he’s endangering his Sigh Young chances!

Brandon Phillips – 3-for-4 with his 12th steal.  Yesterday, he said the Reds would not receive a “homeboy hookup” with his final contract.  Walt Jocketty volleyed back that he just wants to “pay a man his worth and keep it on the heezy.”  Phillips then replied through his translator, Barbara Billingsley, that, “The heezy is for sure, but Beezy needs to get the deezy or else he’s gonna Cherokee fade this piece.”

If the name Casper Wells doesn’t get you excited, check your pulse.  You probably still have one, otherwise I’m not sure how you’re reading this.  Are you reading this from beyond the grave?  Wow, nothing else to do in the afterlife but read about fantasy baseball?  That’s awesome!  In Triple-A last year, Casper Wells hit 21 homers and chucked in 7 steals.  He’s never been much of an average hitter, hmm, that’s not exactly true.  He’s a very average 5th outfielder for fantasy, but he doesn’t hit for much of an average.  He fails to take a walk and strikes out a decent amount.  Earlier this week, Casper hit the sheets out of the ball, homering in four straight games.  That’s obviously the ceiling, but, for some pop (assuming you’re not from Minnesota), I’d grab Casper.  BTW, Casper’s cheering section should boo.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Ramon Ramirez – What do you get when you mix a Horacio Ramirez (Hor-Ram) and an Asdrubal Cabrera (As-Cab)? A Man-Ram Ram-Ram — heyo!  Casilla could see saves, and Affeldt, and Ram-Ram.  Basically, anyone in the Giants bullpen may see saves.  I’d grab Ram-Ram first, only because he’s already got a save in Wilson’s stead.

Rafael Betancourt – He’s the closer right now.  If that’s the kind of thing that gets your goat, bleat bleat.

Chris Sale – The White Sox want to move Sale into a starting role next year, so, of course, Ozzie sends him out for some saves.  Santos is still their closer, but Sale will see some saves, depending on how long the time is between his blinks.

Bobby Parnell – He’s the closer in Metco because Izzy reached the who-knew-it-was-coveted 300 save plateau.

Frank Francisco – All SAGNOF, all the time today, huh?

Stephen Strasburg – I just wrote my Strasburg fantasy.  I wrote it while doing a body shot off your sister.  She likes mustaches.  Blame her.

Randy Wolf – I almost left the Wolfman off the list because I have so little faith in him.  He seems as likely to go eight innings in his start tomorrow vs. the Mets as he does going five innings and giving up four runs.

Wade Miley – In Triple-A, he had a 3.64 ERA and 56 Ks in 54 1/3 IP.  Yawn, Grey.  How about Miley sigh…Bust?  I understand, Random Italicized Voice, it doesn’t look good but that was in the hitter-friendly PCL.  Where the baseballs are made of helium?  Yes, I’d grab Miley in NL-Only leagues and watch in mixed.

Jesus Montero – What is that you’re feeding your horse, Apollo?  Hay, Zeus.  At some point, Montero is going to get called up and be a huge letdown because of all his freakin’ build up.  Should just start calling him The Phantom Menace.

Brandon Belt – He hit two homers the first day after his recall, since then it looks like he should be recalled in the other sense of the word.  He still has great promise for a better tomorrow.  This message was brought to you by the Committee to Elect Grey Albright for Public Office and Stop Whoever Keeps Vandalizing the L Out of the Word Public.

Lucas Duda – In the last seven Duda Duda days, he has two homers while batting .292.

Brandon Allen – The man who sounds like a furniture store has been hitting with the A’s and playing every day sofa, but to couch my comments I’m not sure it’ll continue.

Johnny Giavotella – Playing 2nd base for the peasant Royals and running like crazy, and by crazy I mean not always successfully.  Fist pump!

Jimmy Paredes – Speaking of middle infidels that can get you steals, Paredes had 29 steals in Double-A (with a yawnstipating caught stealing percentage, but whatever).  He’s playing 3rd every day for the Astros.  Welcome to the Dominican Republican Paredes, My Chemical Romance.

Darwin Barney – The Purple Evolutionist is hitting again as he did in the beginning of the season when he gave a little bit of everything except power and speed.

Ryan Raburn – “He’s hitting so much…”  Match Game audience response, “How much is he hitting?”  He’s actually hitting, that’s how much.  Remind me next year that Raburn’s big 2nd half isn’t a sign that a big 1st half in 2012 is coming.

Delmon Young – The other day I went over my Delmon Young fantasy.  I wrote it while applying deodorant in an Arby’s bathroom.

Peter Bourjos – If you were to hold Tabata and Bourjos’s season stats next to each other, it would be like Adam Sandler in Jack and Jill, which looks like it might be the worst comedy ever made by a non-Wayan.

Jose Tabata – See 1/8th of an inch above.

Garrett Jones – 41/14/46/.247/5 is his line so far this year.  That’s the line that, uh, draws the line between serviceable in NL-Only and mixed leagues.

Ben Revere – He has 21 steals so far this year and he’s hitting leadoff every day for the Twins, who need to run.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see Revere get to 35 steals by the end of the year.  The steals are coming, the steals are coming!

Nate Schierholtz – He’s currently hitting, but, and maybe this is just me, on teams where I own Schierholtz, I have a hard time looking at my team with the lights on.

SELL

Michael Pineda - I love Ks as much as the next guy, potentially more, but at some point you gotta stop the bleeding.  Pineda’s ERA in July was 6.75 and it’s 6.55 in August.  He’s young, wearing down, yadda³.  We’ll grab him again next year, don’t worry.

Carlos Beltran – People are dropping Beltran like Pat Burrell drops flies, and I understand it.  Aging vet, bad ballpark and now has a hand injury.  Even when he returns, I don’t have much hope for him.

Jason Kubel – Frankly, no relation to Cliff, Kubel isn’t that exciting when he’s hitting, and he has not been hitting anything the whole season.  Kinda like the entire Twins offense.

Jason Bay – He has 9 homers, 10 steals and a .239 average on the year.  Now I want you to look deep in your soul to answer this next question, would you own him if his name was Crappy McCrapstein?

Todd Helton – We’re cleaning out your father’s fantasy team’s closets today, huh?  To preemptively answer your question, I’d go with Carp over Helton.  And Morneau (and we know how much I like him).  And Moreland.  And Jesus Guzman.  Okay, I’d go with a lot of guys over Helton.  If you think I’m crazy, you may want to check to make sure you’re not watching Sportscenter on ESPN Classic.

Jonathan Broxton blew his first save because of an error and he’s out as closer.  Hmph.  The Dodgers’ GM Colletti said the Dodgers would turn to Padilla and Broxton with Kuo joining the mix when he returns at the end of the week.  Hmph.  Hmph.  Mattingly then said last I checked Colletti doesn’t have a goatee and Broxton is still his closer, no committee.  Hmph.  Hmph.  Hmph.  Whatcha gonna do with all those hmphs?  All those hmphs up in your trunk?  Then Mattingly called Colletti a dwarf brain and shaved his goatee to reveal a cold sore.  Got all that?  Glad one of us does.  I’d own Broxton and Kuo.  Wouldn’t mess with this Padilla or this Padilla.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

James Loney – 4-for-4 with a steal.  I almost wrote the other day how there’s no way Loney stays hitting .200, but then I grew bored and fell asleep… Snooze…

Phil Hughes – Underwent four hours of tests on his arm.  Towards the end his arm just started answering C for everything.

Roger Bernadina – Recalled by the Nats.  I picked him up in every league he was available.  Yup, even that one.  Bernadina has 15/20 upside if he can stick with the club.  Chances he sticks aren’t great but aren’t quite slim to anorexic either, so there’s that.

Wilson Ramos – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 home runs.  That’s a badonkadonk, for those from the Bronx.

Carlos Gonzalez – Held out Tuesday because he’s sucking on the ol’ suck wagon.  Well, I got this schmohawk right.  Now if only Jose Bautista would get mono from Casey Kotchman.

Jorge de la Rosa – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I don’t own dlR anywhere but I get a lot of questions about whether he’s ownable, so it makes me question him.  Doode has a 2.61 ERA.  What are people looking for?

Todd Helton – 2-for-5 with 2 homers.  Did the Rockies wear throwback unis yesterday?

Casey McGehee – Sprained his thumb on the last play of the game on Monday and was held out of the game on Tuesday, leaving him on the bench to twiddle his thumbs — sick, painful irony.  If that’s irony, I have no idea.

Ryan Braun – Hit his 9th home run yesterday.  Yeah, his power is gone, Naysaying Preseason ‘Perts.

Jose Contreras – Has a strained elbow and will miss about a month, assuming he doesn’t have any setbacks.  But 67-year-olds tend to have setbacks getting out of bed.

Matt Harrison – 3 IP, 7 ER.  Don’t worry, Harrison, nothing can ever sully your Trapper John M.D. performance.

Carlos Carrasco – His MRI came back “perfect.”  Not to be that guy, but wouldn’t it be perfect if he didn’t have to go for an MRI?

Jack Hannahan – 3-for-4 with 2 homers.  If only Barbera could’ve been alive to see this.

Justin Masterson – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Rudy and I spot started him in, but since he has a 2.18 ERA on the year, we might not be returning him to waivers.  Stay tuned!  Or not.  Your choice.

Shin-Soo Choo – For an appetizer, I’d like the slam.  For the entree, I Choo-Choo-choose the legs.

Grady Sizemore – 3-for-4 and his 3rd homer, but was caught stealing.  No legs for you!

Pedro Alvarez – 0-for-4.  That’ll show ‘em!

Garrett Jones – Hit his 4th home run yesterday.  Robot is probably going to get the worst counting stat 20+ homer, 10 steal season in the history of baseball.

Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has his ERA down to 3.00.  We should all be aboard with Morton by now, yah?  Yah.

Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 8 ER.  Did the Braves scare him by wearing Dusty Baker masks?

Brandon McCarthy – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER and 15 baserunners.  In San Diego, they call that a strong offensive homestand.

Coco Crisp – Left the game with quad tightness.  Doesn’t sound cerealious.

Ryan Roberts – 2-for-4 with his 5th home run, batting .333.  Pedro Alvarez has one homer and is batting .205.  Kill me.

Mitchell Boggs – 1/3 IP, 1 ER and his first blown save.  After the game, Ryan Franklin said, “See!”

Hanley Ramirez – Working on getting a hitch out of his swing by getting his foot down quicker.  I wonder where Hanley picked up a bad habit.  He seems like such a model of strong work ethic.

Jair Jurrjens – 9 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I don’t think it continues, but I have no problem riding Jar-Jar while he’s on a roll.

Billy Butler – 1-for-4 and a WTF (Warning Track Fly).  A Butler specialty.

Mike Leake – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Turnabout is fair play as the Brewers stole the victory.

Sergio Santos – It’s now back to back saves but this last 2 out save should go to Brent Lillibridge who made two outstanding plays in RF.  Lillibridge fields like he’s nailing Sergio Santos’ sister.  Juan Pierre fields like Thornton is nailing Juan’s sister.

Gavin Floyd – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. the Yankees.  If you had the balls (or lady stuff, for our three girl readers) to start him in The House They Built Next To The House That Ruth Built, you deserved this start.

Clay Buchholz – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 14 baserunners as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post.  Now has a 5.33 ERA.  Good news, he should be better.  The bad news, not that much better.  The neither good or bad just what it is news, if you listened to me you don’t own him.  The okay news that needs to be said because it is really big news news, there is no okay news that needs to be said because it is really big news news.

Adam Lind – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  This is the kind of performance that makes me so hesitant to tell anyone to drop Carlos Pena too.  These guys just need three good days, and they have their counting stats.  Sure, it’ll be great to get this game from Lind without the previous 23 games of crizzap, but so it goes, so it goes.

Zach Britton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Fantasy-wise, Britton should be owned.  Real world-wise, when do the castmates find out Zito used to do gay porn?

Phil Coke – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Hope everyone is now done experimenting with Coke.  Shizz is bad for your nasal passages.

Matt Cain – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Then David Lynch filmed Matt Cain’s post-game interview.

Carl Everett – Pulled a gun on his wife after she said she believed in dinosaurs and Darwin Barney was her favorite player.

I just want to put it out there, I love Eric Young Jr. I have a plan in place to have Prince Fielder have a long discussion Eric Young Jr. about nogoodnik fathers and step in as EY Jr.’s surrogate.  We will vacation in Orlando and try faux exotic foods at Epcot, like Greek and Spanish.  When Eric Young Jr. Jr. needs someone to go to the PTA meetings, I will be there.  When Erica Young needs a date to a cousin’s wedding or something, the tux will be rented, the corsage will be picked from a neighbor’s yard and the Drakkar will be spritzed.  I will be Sandra Bullock and Eric Young will be my very own Michael Oher.  (BTW, I liked The Blind Side better when it was called Diff’rent Strokes.)  And if that doesn’t all work out as planned, I’ll own him in fantasy for steals.  Don’t you people need some MI speed?  Own him.  Now.  Chop-chop.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week:

BUY

Jose Tabata – I mentioned to Rudy I was going to do a Buy lead-in with Jose Tabata and he said, “That’s about as dated as your mustache.”  But, Rudy, he’s hitting near-.500 over the last week with steals and a little pop and he’s only owned in 23% of ESPN leagues.  Rudy, “You running for President of the Jose Tabata Fan Club?”  Yes, yes I am.

Cameron Maybin – Who knew I’d recommend him?  Show of hands.  Okay, you can put your hands down now.  “Teach, I just want to go to the bathroom.”

Scott Podsednik – Manny’s about to exit stage left and Pods will get playing time again.  SAGNOF!

Marcus Thames – The Yankees have about 6 of these interchangeable DH-types.  Continued in the next blurb…

Austin Kearns – Number two of interchangeable Yankee DHs.  You can’t own either (or both, for that matter) without having an extra bench bat.  They don’t play every day, but when they do play they can give you HRs and RBIs.

Koji Uehara – Now for the SAGNOF portion of our program.

Evan Meek – I wouldn’t go two deep for saves in Pittsburgh unless I were in a dogfight for points in the saves category.  Meek and Hanrahananananan may only get a total of 4 saves between them in the whole month of September.

Hisanori Takahashi – Confirmed closer for the Mets, should be owned in every league.  Au Bon Japan!

Ivan Nova – With Javy Vazquez moving to the bullpen until TBA, Nova moves into the rotation until TBA.  Nova had more than an adequate time in Triple-A this year (2.86 ERA, 1.26 WHIP, 7+ K/9).  On the Yankees he should be serviceable and get some Wins, but there’s always a chance he drops something in your drink and you wake up walking like you were just jumping hurdles.

Jordan Zimmermann – The pitch count restrictions worry me a bit with Zimmermann.  Do you need a starter to go 5 IP and give up 2 ER and walk away with a no-decision?  I don’t.  I have plenty of those guys on my staff.  Though Zimmermann is a must own in deep keepers.

Bud Norris – Just went over my Bud Norris fantasy.  If you click that link, it magically transports the post back a few days.  It’s like a time machine for words.

Daniel Hudson – Stop me if you’ve heard me tout him–

Kila Ka’aihue – Big Time Masher, Poi!  The Good Eyein’ Hawaiian!  Mauna Kila!  Choose your own nickname, and grab him if you’re hurting at corner infidel.

Mike Moustakas – He appeared in the 2010 September call-ups post.  There I said, “Has a cool… …gyro recipe… …and a picture of …Mr. Bungles… Keep effing that chicken…”  Hmm… Could’ve pulled a more coherent quote.

Dustin Ackley – Also, appeared in that September call-ups post.  I’m not very high on Ackley right now, but he should be owned in AL-Only and keeper leagues at this point.

Todd Helton – Trying to find something positive to say about him…  Dang, whatever.  He’s hitting, that’s all I got.

Juan Uribe – He gets absurdly hot at times and he’s coming off two straight games with a homer.  Since he has shortstop eligibility, he probably should be owned anyway.

Jhonny Peralta – I’ll probably write an entire post about this.  For now, shorthand.  It’s practically September.  You can’t hold underperforming guys and let hot hitters sit on waivers.  Is Silent H a great player?  Nope, but he’s hot.

Stephen Drew – Has 7 homers in August.  That’s two off the major league lead in homers for this month.  That’s one more homer than Tulo and Holliday combined.

Ryan Raburn – I told you to pick him up in the July 30th Buy/Sell.  This is the fourth week in a row I’ve told you to pick him up.  Do you hear me?!  Don’t make me come back there!

SELL

Mike Stanton – Drop him, he looks like the K’ing of Wishful Swings right now.  Obviously you ignore said advice in keepers.

James Loney – Has 8 homers and 9 steals with a .277 average on the year.  That’s not a 1st baseman; that’s a middle infielder.  Ian Desmond’s beating those numbers.  You own this guy?

Nick Markakis – I think I’ve already mentioned dropping him, but here he is again because I hate him and his stupid face.  You thought Loney’s season numbers were bad; check out Markakis.  8 homers and 6 steals with a .287 average.  It’s an impostor in his body — Dick Fartakis.

Stephen Strasburg – The pitcher whose stuff is so inspirational that both his first and last names start with St. looks like he’ll be martyring his 2011 season.  Evidently he’s mortal because he needs Dr. Freeze to save his ulnar collateral ligament.  Yup, the dreaded Tommy John surgery.  If you have him in a keeper league, put on some Sting, shed the necessary tears for the pitcher you love, and then set him free.  But try to snag him for a low bid next year’s draft so you can get keeper rights for 2012.

The first time Manny Ramirez went on waivers was before the 2004 season when the Sawx dared any team to accept his $20MM/year contract.  No one did and he helped the Sawx win the World Series.  Now it’s the Dodgers’ turn.  Say goodbye to Mannywood?  Could be.  If no one dares take him, the McCourts will be fighting over custody of him during the divorce proceedings (You take him…No, you take him…No, you take him to Central Park and let him play on the jungle gym then, when he falls, carry him 20 blocks to the nearest ER).  Hopefully for Manny’s sake, the Patron Saint of Bad Contracts (Kenny Williams of the ChiSox) claims him.  If Manny goes to a new team, it could invigorate him like a healthy dose of estrogen.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Octavio Dotel – In the closerousel in L.A., Dotel recorded the save.  Broxton worked a perfect 8th, then Torre threw three relievers in the ninth with none of them being Kuo.  Of course not, why would Kuo be used?  He was only labeled the closer replacement while Broxton figures his shizz out.  Assuming no meltdowns, Broxton will be the closer again soon.

Russell Branyan – In his last ten games, he has 6 homers in only 6 hits.  It’s like he’s playing Intellivision.

Madison Bumgarner – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  After the Giants beat up on the Reds lefty rookie pitcher (Wood), the Reds returned the favor on the Giants’ Bumgarner.  If there was any team you think would go easy on a lefty, it’s the Reds but they’ve now hit two solid lefties in a row.

Pablo Sandoval – 4-for-6 with a steal.  He’s also 10 for his last 17.  He’s much cuter when he’s hitting.

Juan Uribe – 3-for-6 with a homer in his 2nd straight game.  Uribe gets crazy hot at times; this could be one of those times.  Act like you know, MC Lyte.

Homer Bailey – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Wasn’t a great few days to be a pitcher in AT&T.  I’d continue to hold Bailey for now.

Joey Votto – 4-for-7 with 2 homers.  You know those mannequins that you put in your passenger seat so you can illegally ride in the carpool lane?  I have one of those outfitted in a Votto jersey.  Last week, we went to see Eat Pray Love at a drive-in, but we didn’t watch much of the movie.

Brandon League – Recorded the save in yesterday’s game even though Aardsma hadn’t been used in a few games.  Something could be going on with Aardsma; I grabbed League in a few, uh, leagues.

Kila Ka’aihue – Two games, two homers.  It’s on like Steve Wiebe from The King of Kong hitting a bong with some Vietcong.

Stephen Drew – 4-for-4 with 2 homers.  From a guy who hasn’t had an extended hot streak for almost two years, this game was long overdue.

Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Nationals aren’t quite the pushover they have been in the past (partially because Nyjer Morgan will throw a ball at your head if you talk smack).  This was just a solid start from a guy who has become a very reliable fourth fantasy starter.  He’s like Ted Lilly-lite.

Adam Dunn – Made a cameo in last night’s Top Chef.  He ate all the cheftestants’ dishes and then sucked up the Potomac River to quench his thirst.  BTW, gray tuna?  What, was it wearing an away uniform?

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer.  Soriano hit his 21st homer in this game.  Are there two guys that got older overnight than these two?  Oh, wait, here’s one…

Todd Helton – 3-for-5, hitting around .350 in the last week.  SPOILER ALERT!  I already wrote my lukewarm recommendation for Helton in Friday’s Buy/Sell.

Huston Street – Was seen warming up (by me) in the bullpen, but Tracy stayed with Belisle since Street had worked a few days in a row.

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-5 with his 10th steal.  *Grey drools*

Dexter Fowler – 1-for-3 with a Paul O’Neill homer (triple + error).

Omar Infante – 1-for-5 with his 7th homer, third in the majors in hitting since the All-Star Break.  BTW, the Rockies and Giants both came back from 9 run deficits on the same day.  Somewhere Tim Kurkijan is making dolphin noises.

Logan Morrison – 3-for-5, has hit in nine of his last ten games (still with no power).  In 101 ABs, he has 14 BBs and only 19 Ks with a .391 OBP.  At 23 years old!  Yeah, I’ll be targeting him next year.

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-5 as he hit leadoff.  Every time I try to get out, Maybin sucks me back in.

Alex Sanabia – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K.  Could roofie you at any time, but he looks to be emerging as a decent spot starter.

J.A. Happ – Revenge is a dish best served over 6 1/3 innings while giving up only 2 earned runs.

Michael Bourn – Hit a home run.  I didn’t see it, but I’m assuming they let him hit from 2nd base.

Jimmy Rollins – 0-for-4, hitting .245, Victorino hitting .254, Utley’s at .271.  Right now, the Phillies look pretty listless.

Marcus Thames – Two homers, two games.  Since Berkman’s out with old age, Thames has seen pretty frequent starts.   He’s also hitting over .300 over the last week and you know he has power.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs with his 21st homer.  I switched to a new blood pressure medicine, so I don’t want to even discuss how Napoli will probably be benched in the Angels’ next game.  Sciosciapath!

Howie Kendrick – 5-for-6 with a RBI and 2 Runs.  Since most of his fantasy value comes from his average, it’s good to see him finally get it up to .285.  I’d put Kendrick on a short list of the most overrated players in fantasy.  He’s owned in 100% of ESPN leagues.  Ian Desmond, who really hasn’t been far away from him in value, is at 35%.  Well, whatever.  Can’t solve the world’s problems.

Dan Haren – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Comatose Angels Fan, “Hey, been in this coma since March and just woke up yesterday.  Awesome that we got Haren and we’re scoring 12 runs a game!  We must be in first by what?  10 games?”   Off my head shake.  “Damn, those stupid Mariners are in front of us, aren’t they?”  You should sit down, Comatose Angels Fan.

Jake Westbrook – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Looks like the novelty of the new league might be wearing off.

Aaron Hill – Hit his 19th homer, too bad he’s hitting .208 on the year.  How does one even hit .208 over 414 at-bats?  That’s 42 points off Adam Dunn’s career average.

Trevor Cahill – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  It’s appropriate his last name starts with a hard C, not a K.

Jeff Niemann – 3 1/3 IP, 10 ER.  Hopefully you forgot to activate him.  Personally, I’d forget to own him.

Jason Jaso – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Doesn’t have much power, but Jaso hits leadoff and has a .391 OBP.

Brian Matusz – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  It took to almost the point where he’s about to get shutdown, but he’s been dominant of late.  In his last 5 starts, he has an ERA of 2.32.  It’s hard to recommend him because of his team and division, but he really can be this good.

Koji Uehara – Great, now this schmohawk is the closer.  Earth to Buck Showalter, Mike Gonzalez has closer stuff!  Buck said he won’t name a closer so you can either lose all of them or hold one.  I’d hold Uehara simply because he’s recorded the last two saves.

Gordon Beckham – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Ozzie kills most of his value with the nine hole placement, but he has been hitting lately.

Dustin Pedroia – Francona arranged for Pedroia to talk to Michael Jordan because he suffered from a similar injury back in 1985.  I know how this story ends.  Jordan lures Pedroia to Vegas where his scrappiness and spunk are useless against the 15s and 16s he gets dealt at the blackjack table.  He gets out of town with only his stubble and a pair of Hanes he got from Jordan.

Josh Beckett – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Mariners.  According to Beckett, the Mariners offense is worth as much as an Alvin Davis rookie card.