Fantasy Baseball Advice

We just passed the 1/4 mark of the season so we’re long overdue to provide a mildly interesting roundup of our ‘expert’ league teams.  It’s been a mixed bag so far.  We’ve struggled in our expert mixed leagues (LABR, Y! Friends & Family) and, at this point, are playing for pride.  We’ll wait until the end of the season for the full post-mortem as the only pick that we’re really torturing ourselves over is drafting Tim Lincecum over Greinke in the LABR league (we still have no idea what possessed us on Lincecum as Greinke was higher in Point Shares and at least I’ve had a bad ownership experience with Lincecum (1st round pick 2 years ago in NL-only).

Luckily, we’re doing better in our single-league teams – most notably our DraftDay high-stakes AL-only league where we’re in contention despite underperformance by high-priced Red Sox (A-Gonz, Lester), a hurt Longoria, and a 1st place team having the craziest power luck season we’ve ever seen (Encarnacion, Hardy, Kelly Johnson, AJP).

Note: All the $ comparisons come from the closest league format covered in the Player Rater.

LABR – 15 Team Mixed (Snake)

Our Place	11th (63 pts)
1st place	Fred Zinkie of MLB.com (120.5 pts)
Last place	Todd Zola of Mastersball.com (46 pts)
Good picks	Madbum (6th, +$4), Anibal (10th, +$7), Colby (14th, +$10), Jim Johnson (16th, +$18)
Bad/disappointing picks	Longoria (2nd, hurt), Lincecum (3rd, -$32), Storen (8th, hurt), Marmol (10th, -$20)
Notable Trades & Pickups ($100 FAAB)	Tony Campana ($1-FAAB)
140 character summary	Why Lincecum over Greinke and Weaver? Where are A-Gonz and Nellie’s HRs? Nice comeback, Rios. Wish we picked Beltran. Feb drafts suck.

Y! Friends & Family – 13 team Mixed (Snake)

Our Place	10th (59 pts)
1st place	Andy Behrens – Y! (94 pts)
Last place	Derek Carty – BaseballProspectus (53 pts)
Good picks	Adam Jones (5th, +$40), Beachy (7th, +$20), Colby (20th, +$18), Moustakas (12th, +$6)
Bad/disappointing picks	Cliff Lee (3rd, -$10), Choo (7th, -$10), Berkman (8th, hurt), Alexei (10th, -$25), Marmol (11th, -$25)
Notable Trades & Pickups	Josh Reddick (FA)
140 character summary	Lee has 0 wins?! Middle rounds killed us-Votto/McCutch/C. Lee/CC/A. Jones solid top 5. Shitty closer luck (1 pt in SV), Walker over Altuve?!

DraftDay – 10 team AL (Auction) (note: I posted an article on their site as well about deep league bench strategy)

Our Place	3rd (66 pts)
1st place	Derek Carty – BaseballProspectus (81 pts)
Last place	Non-blogger (28 pts)
Good picks	Adam Jones ($22, +$25), Peavy ($6, +$30), Milone ($3, +$17), Trout ($4, +$13), Sale ($9, +$11), Colby ($14, +$10), Luke Scott ($5, +$10)
Bad/disappointing picks	A-Gonz ($33, -$17), Longoria ($31, hurt), Bourjos ($18, -$24), Lester ($22, -$12), Walden ($12, -$11), Weeks ($14, -$8)
Notable Trades & Pickups ($260 FAAB)	Beavan + FAAB $ for Valencia (blech), Casey Janssen ($1 FAAB)
140 character summary	A-Gonz/Longo – ugh. Fickin’ Lester. Brutal closer luck (Only 3 SVs! Walden quick axe, F-Cord, Janssen on bench for 4 SVs, K-Rob hurt).

FantasyPros911.com 12-team AL – Tied for 2nd place (2.5 pts off lead).  Great offense so far led by overperformance by Adam Jones, Josh Reddick, and Kyle Seager.  Pitching has been a disappointment so far aside from Milone and Capps.  Need Lester and Scherzer to pitch well and hopefully have surplus Saves to trade at some point between Capps, Bailey, and Janssen.

CBS 12 team AL – 2nd place (1 point off lead) – Miracle pitching led by Peavy, Sale, and Jim Johnson.  Lineup stitched together after string of injuries (Longoria, Morneau, Reynolds, Cespedes, Iannetta).

CBS 12 team NL – 7th place (35 points off lead) – brutal CI luck (Gaby, Zimmerman, Sandoval), SP has disappointed (Anibal, Nolasco solid…D. Hudson + Cahill blech). Casilla saved our ‘pen after Guerra got replaced.

Y! Hero Sandwich 12 team mixed – 6th place (41 points off lead) – Solid offense led by Josh Hamilton, Bruce, Moose, and Moobs overcoming Goldschmidt/Alexei/Choo disappointments.  Pitching has potential but disappointed so far – CC, Romero, Latos, Anibal, Colby, Masterson.

I had high apple pie in the sky hopes for David Robertson, but no one is safe.  “There’s a storm a comin’!  Jebediah, should I bring the cows into the barn?”  “No, Gissley!  It wants our closers!”  “But I only have Juan Cruz!  And I’s not even sure he’s the set-up man”  “It doughs’cent matter!”  Really, really shocked by Robertson performance yesterday (2/3 IP, 4 ER), but I guess I shouldn’t be.  I’ve officially ‘learned’ Closepocalypse on my computer spellchecker.  If Soriano is out there in your league, I’d grab him.  The Yankees could flip-flop right back to him since he has ‘closer experience.’  You know, pulling the ol’ Robertson is just more comfortable in the 8th inning shtick.  At this rate, Fernando Rodney’s going to be the only $12 Salad next month.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Sale – This is a message from the Emergency Broadcast Network.  If you are a closer, just go for an MRI now.  You’re pitching with a torn tendon.  I repeat, you have a torn tendon.  So, Addison Reed might now be the closer on the White Sox, as Sale goes to get an MRI today.  Robin Ventura thought a good way to preserve an injured pitcher’s arm was to throw him into high-leverage situations.  I say that’s crummy with crackers, but what do I know?  I’m just a guy who has a hard time pronouncing the word ‘peculiar.’  If Reed is out there, I’d grab him immediately.  If Reed gets the closer job, he has a chance to be a strong Donkeycorn with $12 Salad upside.   To all of those who are reading Razzball for the first time, that last sentence wasn’t gibberish.  It only sounded like it.

Jeff Niemann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Yankees in the House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built.  You got co-jo’s (I’m gonna start saying co-jo’s for cojones; hopefully, it works better than twelve after twenty).  I mean, big giant co-jo’s if you went with Niemann in this start, and your co-jo’s were rewarded.  Good co-jo’s.

Matt Joyce – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer.  His first halves are so obviously hot every year, I’m sorta kicking myself for not owning Joyce.  (We should’ve got Beltran in at least one league, too.  That one hurts worse.  Eh, it’s Monday morning quarterbacking.  Beltran could be doing a Torii and vice versa.)

Casey Janssen – Got the save yesterday and will for the immediate future.  Doesn’t his last name look like a loveseat at Ikea?  Why do you have such crazy spellings and such comfortable furniture?  “If you want, I’ll sleep on the Janssen, and you can crash on the Wilhelmsen or Sogard.”  Eh, maybe it’s me.  Any the hoo!  Janssen is now the Blue Jays closer.  I doubt this will stick very long, but it wasn’t like Santos is on the DL with a chipped tooth.  WAPU!  (Where Available Pick Up — Note to self:  Acronyms aren’t that handy when I have to spell out what they mean.)

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 10 Ks. Hey, I heard you were a wild one… Does Flo Rida rhyme Cus D’AMato in that song?  So Morrow is back to the crazy K/walk guy that I once loved?  I don’t get it, but I offered Rudy a bet that Morrow will have at least a 3.75 ERA the rest of the way, and Rudy didn’t jump at the wager, offering me back 3.50.  Whatever the case, he’s not staying at 2.27 ERA, where he’s currently at.

J.P. Arencibia – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  He has 2 homers in the last week and is hitting over .400.  What’s your craptcher doing?

Ike Davis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.  I wouldn’t say he’s alive yet (still hitting .179), but he definitely hit a homer yesterday (maybe while sleepwalking).  It seems pretty implausible that he has an average under .250 this year, so it’ll take a whole lot of tryin’ (and some hits) just to get up that hill.

Jeanmar Gomez – 7 IP, 8 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Hopefully not too many of you went for this Cleveland Streamer.

Zack Greinke – 8 IP, 2 H, 11 Ks.  He’s turned into the ultimate homeschooler since he’s become a Brewer.  Last year, his Home/Away ERA was 3.13/4.70.  This year, it’s 1.80/7.20.  Maybe someone can start packing Greinke’s blankie with him on road trips.

John Axford – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Kazaam!

Ryan Braun – 2-for-4 with his 10th homer to raise his average to .313.  Let’s do a first tier of the top ten check (which is kinda like a cup check but less stressful):  1. Braun — Fine.  2. Miggy — Fine.  3. Pujols — Maybe it’s not less stressful.  4. Votto — Maybe you hit for power.  5. Bautista — Well, Braun and Miggy are good.

Aroldis Chapman – Moved his record to 3-0 and his ratios to 0.00 ERA and 0.57 WHIP with 27 Ks in 15 2/3 IP.  Is there any other rotation Aroldis wouldn’t be a part of in the history of baseball?  The 1971 O’s?  The 1920 White Sox?  The 1889 Spiders?

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 1.12.  He’s in such a zone, right now every batter he sees he pictures Jason LaRue.

Drew Stubbs – 2-for-4, as he stole 3rd base with two outs in a 0-0 game.  Later, Brandon Phillips stole 2nd with two outs in the 9th inning with Bruce at bat and the pitcher’s slot up next, which meant the other team would walk Bruce to get to the Reds’ best pinch hitter, Miguel Cairo.  Dusty Baker may be a lot of things, but he’s definitely a SAGNOF loyalist.  Who steals with Bruce up in the 9th inning with two outs knowing they’ll walk him?  So bonkers.  Why isn’t Buzz Bissinger following around Dusty Baker for one season to record his moves?  “Today, Dusty Baker had the infield play on the grass for five innings accidentally when he moved his toothpick to the left side of his mouth.”

Sean Marshall – Why do I feel like we should start calling the site Razzball:  All Saves, All the Time.  Marshall tried to blow yesterday’s game, but instead gave up a solo homer to Braun and Dusty pulled him, so Logan Ondrusek picked up the save.  Marshall’s been pretty bad (almost 5 ERA, 1.55 WHIP), so I wouldn’t be surprised if Dusty does go to Chapman or Logan.  You can’t speculate on Chapman in any competitive leagues, because he’s owned, but there’s always Ondrusek — it’s the age of Ikea furniture!

Jonathan Sanchez – To the Disgraceful List.  We may never see him again in the under four epoch.  Or ERA, if you don’t have a grade schooler’s tendency to overuse a thesaurus.

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  When the FIP meets the pavement, Johnson takes off.  I’m not totally convinced he’s fully around the corner, but he’s obviously no longer doing donuts in Garbageville.

Steve Cishek – Do you even have to ask what the new closer for the Marlins did?  Do you really need to ask?  Of course you don’t, but I’ll tell ya.  He blew the save.  It wasn’t totally his fault, but Mujica still may steal more glances from Ozzie’s Neck Towel.

Christian Friedrich – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  As previously mentioned the other day aforementionedly, I like Friedrich in NL-Only leagues.  His K/BB rate was very solid in the minors and now that he’s done what he did vs. the Padres, he’ll get the Giants next.  Yes, please and thank you.

Josh Willingham – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer.  Back from his cold sores, he’s got a hot bat.  Googler of “cold sores” + “hot bat,” we won’t judge you here.

Danny Valencia – Twins optioned him to Triple-A.  Twins are hoping to get Valencia going against lesser competition and split squad games are so Spring Training.

Francisco Liriano – Demoted to the bullpen because the Twins didn’t want their Triple-A team to get any worse.

Erik Bedard – Left the 2nd inning with back spasms.  Doesn’t sound too bad, so he’ll probably miss a month.

Andrew McCutchen – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  Giancarlo’s plus one for the 2nd Rounders Who Were Disappointing Party finally showed up.  Someone should ring up Hanley and Reyes so these flat breads don’t go to waste.

Joel Hanrahan – Got the save yesterday, but Hanrahanananananananan’s nananananananananana passed away and he will be out on bereavement this Friday.  Grilli or Juan Cruz could see saves this weekend.  In one league, I threw another closer on the Grilli.

Allen Craig – Hit his 3rd homer.  All he’s done is hit since his return from the DL.  Speaking of DL stints, Berkman’s due back Friday.  Playing time is a concern for Craig, but I’m thinking the Cards have to play him.  Your deity of choice knows their blahtoon at 2nd base isn’t working, so Craig could move there.

J.J. Putz – 2/3 IP, 4 ER to raise his ERA to 9.00.  It was a non-save situation, but I’m beginning to think by July there’s gonna be teams dialing up Alfonseca to close games.  Maybe they can get a six-finger discount.

Adam Dunn – Hit his 10th homer yesterday.  I was obviously wrong that Dunn was done.  Bunyan’s still got some lumber.  Big Donkey’s still deserves the brays.  Adam’s the apple of every fantasy baseballer (<–my mom’s term!) who wants 30+ homers and a lousy average.  It was mocked when Ventura put Dunn in the three hole, but I’m not sure it was a stroke of genius or every move Ventura’s done so far is dopey, but if you throw enough shizz against the wall, something will stick.  And something will stink.

Tim Lincecum – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  On the bright side, there was only two walks and 8 Ks.  On the less bright side, it was two walks in only five innings and he gave up 8 hits and 4 runs.

Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 1.89.  It’s silly early to be saying this, but it wouldn’t shock me to see him in the Cy Young running, if he stays healthy.  Then next year, I’ll like him a lot and he’ll get hurt in April.

Drew Storen – Might throw this week putting him on schedule to return in early June.  I hope he has a setback because I have HanK-Rod in a few leagues, but that’s just me.

Chris Johnson – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer.  Or 4 homers in the last week.  Maybe I should’ve dropped Zimmerman when he returned from the DL.  Things that make you go hmm…

Yoenis Cespedes – Has a strained muscle in his left hand.  The A’s are saying he can avoid the DL and could be in the lineup as early as today.  Michael Moore offered to take Yoenis back to Cuba for tests, but he declined.

Will Middlebrooks – Bobby Valentine said Middlebrooks won’t play the outfield, but will send him back to the minors when Youuuuuuuuuk returns.  Unless they can make Youuuuuuuuuk into gluuuuuuuuue.

Jason Vargas – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Marginer!

Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K.  I’d put him in the same class as Big Z, Capuano, Dempster (a tad better) and Ted Lilly, i.e., more valuable on your team than what you can get for them in a trade.

Rafael Dolis – A 1-2-3 inning to get the save.  It was a pleasant alternative to Marmol save opps.  Those usually sound like “SuperCarlosfrigginMarmolpissshitjustbringinRafaelDolis…”

I already explained what this series of entries is about in last week’s article. If there’s one thing we stalkers hate, it’s locked doors… but if there’s another thing we hate, it’s paper shredders. My point is, somewhere on that list of things we hate is having to explain ourselves, so click that link if you have no idea what’s going on here. And if you still have no idea what’s going on after that, stop by Grey’s Buy/Sell and ask him why he’s publishing this nonsense.

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02/26/2012 – People are paying Bunny Ranch prices for Stephen Strasburg in my mock drafts; I’m not. Sure, I wouldn’t mind the experience, but I think I can get something similar for the cost of a few drinks instead of a week’s paycheck.

04/17/2012 – St. Rasburg, the patron saint of ticket scalpers (which is just a step above being the patron saint of beggars), has kinda’ been living up to the hype. 3 ER, 19 K, and 2 W from 19 IP over 3 starts. Yeah, it was against the Cubs, Mets, and Astros, which is a pretty weak sample, but there’s no need to be a doubting Thomas.

04/29/2012 – I was just looking at Strasburg’s WHIP, but then I was about to sneeze and I think I inhaled the tiny thing. His ERA must’ve blown off my desk when I sneezed, too. Wait, is that it? No, that’s his FIP… they look very similar. I’m using his K/9 to hold my car up while I change the oil, so I don’t really have access to any of his stats right now, but I’m pretty sure he’s pitching alright.

05/03/2012 – Okay, I’m looking over the Razzball Player Rater right now and it’s telling me that St. Rasburg is better than… hmm… Halladay, Kershaw, F-Her… pretty much everyone I would have drafted ahead of him… except Verlander – There Can Be Only One. Random thought – I’d like to see a Razzball Player Hater, where commenters get one vote per week on which player they most wish they didn’t draft.

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02/25/2012 – I only have enough auction money for one new import, and I believe Cespedeseses’ hype more than Yu Darvish’s. Luckily I don’t care for the possessive form of either’s surname, which will help me rationalize stealing possessions from their respective trash bins. I’m probably biased because of something silly… like the failures of so many Japanese aces compared to the relative success of imported sluggers.

04/09/2012 – Darvish looked absolutely filthy today, but I’m sure it’s nothing a shower and hair cut can’t fix. His pitching, on the other hand, was awful (maybe he shouldn’t be pitching with his other hand). 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 base runners (4 BB) and only 5 Ks. “Yu ruined my ratios!” That’s you talking to Yu through yur computer. It’s not me… ‘cause I didn’t draft him, suckers!

04/24/2012 – Good thing I’m a brilliant writer, because it seems like I’ll be dining on my words for some time. I’m watching Darvish make the Yankees look stupid as I write this. Damn, did he just pull 97 MPH out for the first time today… in the 7th inning? That’s one hell of a sneak attack. Hmm… can’t think of any jokes that tie “Japanese” and “sneak attack” together right now.

04/31/2012 Oy vey, Yu. Doode just keeps lowering his ERA (from 7.94 to 2.18) and raising his K-rate (now an even 9.00). Hulky Crystal says, “YU LOOK MARVELOUS!”

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02/02/2012 – Grey likes Tim Lincecum this year… a lot. Ranked him as the #5 SP overall, which I find surprising. I mean, Grey even talks about all of Timmy’s downside (“falling K-rate,” “burgeoning walk rate,” “highest xFIP since his rookie year”) in the blurb, so he must be A.) hedging his bets B.) slightly blinded by the brand C.) “C” is usually a placeholder to catch people guessing D.) not all that impressed with the rest of the Top 20.

04/12/2012 – Lincecum with 11 ER in 7 2/3 IP. That’s not good, right? Does it help that this was over two starts, not in one? He had 10 Ks… that’s something. C’mon, a good buddy paid $37 at auction for Timmy; I’m scrambling for anything positive to scream up to the ledge.

04/17/2012 – Wow… another 5 earned in 6 innings for Lincecum. It’s good that the Ks are there (6 more). It’s good that he lowered his ERA… no, wait, it’s not good when an outing like this lowers your ERA. Maybe the Giants should start paying him with dollar bills placed in front of him on the mound. Just a thought.

04/24/2012 – Only 1 ER over 5 IP. Look at Tiny Tim threatening to bust out a quality start! Yeah, let’s just ignore those 5 free passes and focus on the 8 Ks. Serenity now!

04/29/2012 – Looks like Timmy will finish April with a… passable 5.74 ERA. It’s really only “passable” if you’re comparing it to the 12.91 he was rockin’ a few weeks back. The 2.52 differential between his FIP and ERA probably makes it a bit more palatable. The fact that he hasn’t given up a dinger since his first start is nice. Also, I hear there’s been some incredible advancements in the toupee industry of late. Things are looking up!

Bryce Harper and Mike Trout were called up by their respective clubs this weekend.  When Bryce left Syracuse for his first major league game, the grand opening of the “Eye Black Isn’t Just For The Ultimate Warrior And Owls” store turned into a Going Out of Business sale.  When Mike Trout left Salt Lake for the Angels, Bobby Abreu’s three year Going Out of Business sale came to an abrupt end.  Bobby, “I still have some seven-pitch walks to sell!”  With Trout and Harper called up, the minor leagues were closed.   There’s no more minor leagues.  In his major league debut, Harper looked like all that and a bag of douche.  Who over the age of twelve flips their helmet off when they’re running?  Wait, is he over the age of twelve?  Definitely more auspicious of a debut than Trout’s (or is that inauspicious?).  (NSFWUYWAAPPH (Not Safe For Work Unless You Work At A Porn Production House):  In case you didn’t see it, Harper roped a double to deep center while someone behind home plate dropped their pants.  (Here’s Bryce Harper’s first major league hit in motion.)  I can’t wait to go to Cooperstown in 25 years and see Bryce Harper’s 1st major league hit.   The curator showing a group of middle school kids, “Here’s the film of Babe Ruth calling his shot and here’s Bryce Harper with a booty call.”  In 50 years, Bryce Harper showing his granddaughter, “There’s your PawPaw getting his first major league hit.”  “PawPaw, are you the one with your ass showing?”  “No, sweetheart, that’s how fans celebrated baseball players when I played.  A great time to be alive.”)  Mike Trout, nor the fans behind him, flashed anything.  Whatevs, I like him better for this year.   I went over my Mike Trout fantasy back in November and it mostly still applies.  Only thing I’d change is how many ABs I gave him there.  There I gave him 55/7/30/.270/20 in 300 ABs.  Give him 400 ABs and his stats move to 70/10/40/.275/25.  Basically what you were hoping to get from Bourjos.  That’s giddy up, the un-sarcastic  excitement.  As for Bryce Harper, I like him a lot and he’s worth grabbing.  But he’s also worth trading if you can in redraft leagues.  He hasn’t really pounded minor league pitching since last July.  There were guys on his own minor league roster that were out-performing him.  He’s going to be a great one; I’ll give him that.  I just don’t think once Morse and/or Zimmerman return he’s even going to stay in the majors.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Scott Downs – The Sciosciapath replaced Walden after one blown save.  If only he was as reactionary with over 35-year-old outfielders.  Here’s a scenario:  Downs gets five straight saves and Walden scuffles in a set-up role because his confidence is fractured after being removed from the closer role that quickly.  In that scenario, Downs stays the closer for a few months, maybe the rest of the season.  Another scenario:  Downs blows a game and Walden’s back in there after a week.  More succinctly, you need to hold both guys.  Even more succinctly, hold both.  Personally, I don’t think Sciosciapath’s move is a long-term cure for Scott Downs’ Syndrome.

Peter Bourjos – Didn’t play for the Angels yesterday because of Mike Trout.  Bourjos also didn’t play on my fantasy team, because I cut him immediately when I saw he was losing time to Trout.  Later, schmohawk!  Thanks for the month of the .167 average and 1 homer and 1 steal!   Wish I would’ve known your last name was French for “Bore the crap of youse.”

Albert Pujols – For the first time in his career, Pujols is one day away from having his first homerless month.  Like how Roger Maris’s family followed around McGwire in ’98, Juan Pierre’s family will be following around Pujols.

Kyle Lohse – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Easily his worst start of the year.  Uh-oh, Mr. April may be done.  Hehe.  That’s punny!

Josh Hamilton – Left yesterday’s game with a stiff back, which is less embarrassing than a stiff front.

Tim Hudson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Pirates.  Not a tough matchup, but I wouldn’t mind Hudson as a 5th fantasy starter on a team.  He usually keeps his ratios in check and does decent with Ks — or simply oK.

Jay Bruce – 4 homers in 4 straight games with yesterday’s being a slam & legs.  BRUUUUUUU + UUUUUUUUUUU + UUUUUUUUUUU = Excitement for Red Square.  Damn, was supposed to equal excitement for Reds outfielder, Jay Bruce.  Think I forgot to carry a U.

Mat Latos – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners (0 Walks), 4 Ks vs. the Asstros.  Latos seems like a guy who asks you at the bar, “Did you say something to me?” like he’s picking a fight even if you didn’t say anything to him.  Not much to like about his ERA so far either (5.97).  I still want to remain patient with him.  He will get better.

Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Yankees.  The Emoticon just had a most impressive start on Saturday and has his ERA down for the count of 1.23.  Last week when I said to grab him, it was a bit of a “What the hey, pick him up” waiver wire acquisition.  Now, it’s more of a “What the hey, seriously, pick him up.”  His LOB% is a bit of an eephus that’s about to get smacked, but his K-rate should prevent him from falling too hard.

David Phelps – Will take over for Freddy Garcia in the rotation.  A terrible starter being replaced by a middling middle reliever.  Phelps looks like he might have a 4-ish ERA and a 7-ish K-rate.  Wouldn’t even be news if it was for any team other than the Yankees.  Maybe the Yankees can exact some revenge and trade David Phelps to the Mariners for the rights to Jay Buhner Jr.

Robinson Cano – Batting third for the Yankees for the first month and has 4 RBIs.  Chris Davis got 4 RBIs on Saturday.  The number nine hitter for the Orioles, Andino, has 6 RBIs.  I will now put on a gorilla suit and mail myself to Africa.

Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 14 Ks.  I heard Justin Bieber’s Boyfriend song on the radio, and I immediately thought of Anibal.  No lie.  It’s not gay since his name’s Anibal.  It’s gay that I was listening to Bieber.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 with his 1st home run.  Is it bad I actually had to look at three different sites to make sure I was seeing right that he hit a home run?  Yeah, probably.  Now hit nine more tomorrow and we’ll be so cool again.  I’ll even massage your sore knee with my tongue.  What, it’s the strongest muscle!

Josh Johnson – 5 1/3IP, 5 ER.  Obviously got tired of that reputation that he could only pitch well when he was healthy.

Hanley Ramirez – 0-for-3; Jose Reyes – 0-for-3, as they both bat .205 on the year.  Maybe move both of them to 2nd base and let Omar Infante play shortstop and 3rd base.  I’m thinking of creative solutions; don’t kill the messenger.

Max Scherzer – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 3 Ks… Why was he pulled so early?  Oh, 14 baserunners in less than 5 innings.  Wow.  It’s nearly mathematical impossible to have 14 baserunners, only record 14 outs and only allow 3 earned runs.  I hate to give up on him and drop him to waivers, but I’d want to see at least one good start on my bench before starting him in any league.

Matt Thornton – Got the save yesterday.  My over/under for Santiago losing the job was the end of April.  Not too shabby.  Yeah, I do think Thornton takes over, at least that’s what I’ve been writing on this site that you are reading, but as of right now Ventura is still saying Santiago’s the closer.  We shall see.  Or not!  Your choice.

Gavin Floyd – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks as he took a no hitter into the 7th vs. the Red Sox.  But the Red Sox have Nick Punto, Marlon Byrd, Ryan Sweeney, Mike Aviles, Cody Ross and Kelly Shoppach in their lineup!  Somehow the Red Sox have been able to bamboozle fantasy owners into thinking they’re good, even though Sweeney, Aviles, Shoppach, Byrd, Ross and Punto are all guys coming from other teams where they were marginal starters.  Right now, the Red Sox lineup looks like cemetery of fallen fantasy value.

Jake Peavy – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  If you Google “resurgence,” you’re going to find five articles about Jake Peavy and five about al-Qaeda.  Of those ten articles, 2 mention selling Peavy, 3 mention buying him and 10 mention injuries.

Edwin Encarnacion – Three games in a row with a homer and capped this three-peat (trademark Pat Riley) with a slam & legs yesterday.  I’m really happy for all his owners.  I’m not bitter at all.  I’ll probably get Edwin’s as-of-right-now stats (7 homers, 4 steals) from Ryan Zimmerman by August.  The RZ:  Brand new from Toyota.  Flashy exterior and tons of hype, then, as soon as you drive it off the lot, you regret the purchase and it breaks down for 5 months.

Jose Bautista – 1-for-4 with his 2nd steal as he sits on 3 homers for the year while Omar Infante struts around like Buddy Love.

Kenley Jansen – Got two saves this weekend.  Mattingly’s saying some shizz about Guerra needing a rest.  I’ll say Mattingly needs to give that a rest.  Mattingly seems like the type that can’t admit he was wrong (or so says his Rip Torn-ish looking, mugshot-taking ex-wife), so he may pull one of these deals where he never says Jansen is now the closer, but Jansen just starts getting saves until it’s obvious he’s the closer.

Chris Capuano – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  What’s this the longest post ever?  Maronna mia!  Yeah, I’d pick up Capuano.  Solid Ks in a good pitchers’ park.

Wade Miley – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s pitching above his head right now.  Well, he’s not a sidearmer.  Cute, Random Italicized Voice.  I mean, he can’t keep this up.  That’s what she said!  What?  Miley has NL-Only appeal for now, but I’d be careful in mixed leagues.

Gerardo Parra – 2-for-3 with a steal.  You know who Parra is playing like right now?  A guy that is getting a chance to play and wants to prove himself, i.e., he’s building a wall of stats to fend off any other Diamondback options, a *pinkie to mouth* Parra-pet.

Patrick Corbin – He was the pitcher the Diamondbacks called up for Monday’s start, relegating Collmenter to shoveling crap out of the bullpen.  “Hey, Shaw, will you stop pooping on the bullpen mound?”  “Why, we got Collmenter now.”  That was overheard in the D-Backs bullpen this weekend.  Corbin had a solid K/BB and could surprise some major league hitters.  The downside is he’s 15 years old (22) and probably is just a placeholder for Bauer or Skaggs.  BTW, Bauer and Skaggs opened for Big & Rich.  Their big song, “Save a Morse, Ride a LaRoche.”

Dexter Fowler – At four homers, he has 2 more homers than steals.  Fowler also weighs the same as one of Stanton’s thighs.  Cust killin’ myself.

Frank Francisco – Blew the save yesterday as the closepocalypse sweeps through the Mets.  Jesse Orsoco’s house fell on top of Frank Francisco’s legs and Ram-Ram got the save.  I don’t think a change of closer is imminent here, but that’s more because the Mets’ other options haven’t been great and my brain can only compute 17 closer changes per roundup.  Overload!  Overload!  Red alert!  Let me off the closerousel!

Tim Lincecum – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks cutting his ERA to about half what it was two weeks ago.  Sure, this game was against the Padres, who had one good hitter coming into this year and he’s now batting under .200 and in the 7th hole and his name rhymes with Maynotbeasgoodasyouthoughtbin, but I’m guessing it’s too late to buy low on Lincecum.

Wilson Betemit – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in his last three games as he played third and made Reynolds’ excuse, “It’s not me, it’s 3rd base,” look bad.

Matt Garza – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 1 Walk, 10 Ks.  You can’t spell Garza without Rza, so you know he got The W with no help from Ol’ Dirty Barney.

Grant Balfour – 0 IP, 3 ER and his 2nd blown save, Matt Capps just gives up runs for S’s and G’s and, while they might not be in the same team, Carlos Marmol seems to be picking up whatever it is that Collmenter is shoveling.  I don’t think any of them are in serious danger of losing their closer jobs (this week).  All three teams are going nowhere fast and they’d be better served to get to the trading deadline with a closer to trade.

Brandon Inge – About to sign with the A’s.  That’ll fix the A’s!  Goodbye, cellar!  There’s gotta be a Moneyball sequel with the little white kid from The Blind Side playing Inge and Don Swayze playing Billy Beane.

Bartolo Colon – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Remarkable turnaround of his career continues since his fat and bone marrow stem cell surgery.  At what point does Bartolo Colon surgery become as prevalent as Tommy John surgery?  It doesn’t seem like you need an injury to get the surgery either.  Get the surgery and you’re just good.  The doctor who did the surgery is out of Boca Raton, the old Jew shuffleboard capital of the world.  Soon we’re gonna have Ira Shlomowitz and Harvey Edelbaum, once legendary mah-jong players, throwing 95 MPH, and asking the home plate ump if they can go to their mouth, not because it’s cold, but because they need to adjust their dentures.  Having their choice of teams to sign with, Ira says, “I think I’m gonna pitch for the Mariners.  Seattle has great herring.”

In the doubleheader, Nate Schierholtz went 6-for-10 with a homer, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, steal and back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-etc. starts from Bochy, go ahead with your big head self!  “This is the year Schierholtz breaks out!  And fill up my Merlot!”  That’s every Giants fan for the last three years.  Then within a few weeks, he’s usually hurt.  If Schierholtz is indeed German for pantyhose, he sure gets rips in them quickly.  Maybe he should bathe in clear nail polish.  (See, ladies, Grey doesn’t forget about you.)  Schierholtz has power, he just needs to stay healthy.  For now, I’d pick him up in all leagues.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tim Lincecum – Good news:  5 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks.  Bad news: 4 hits, 5 walks, 108 pitches.  Reminds me of my stat lines when playing backyard Wiffle Ball.  Maybe Timmy needs to throw to a Pitchback instead of a Posey.

Mike Gonzalez – Boras said Gonzalez is expected to sign with a club in the next ten days.  Boras better get a deal fast before the terrible closer bubble bursts.

Lorenzo Cain – Expected to come off the DL on Friday.  Make room in your fantasy cupboard for Cain…Sugar!

Josh Donaldson – After starting the year on a sub-.100 anti-tear, the A’s brushed him aside like the ABC makeup lady used to do to his grandfather’s hair.  He will be sorely missed by opposing pitchers, Fantasy Razzball managers, and frustrated owners in 2-catcher leagues who hoped he could outperform the Barajii of the league.

Adrian Beltre – Should return soon as the MRI showed his leg was normal.  Right above the foot and below the hip.

Francisco Liriano – Twins will skip his next start.  Guess that’s easier and more legal than getting John McDonald to drop a knee on his head.

Josh Willingham – Out until Friday on maternity leave.  A lesson in the birds and the bees brought to you by Grey Albright:  Nine months ago there was a Drillingham with a throbbing lardon, asking to porker and now there’s a baby back.

Derek Holland – 6 IP, 7 ER, 13 baserunners, 1 K.  An embarrassment to pitchers and mustaches everywhere.

Josh Hamilton – 1-for-4 with his 8th homer as everyone who didn’t draft Hamilton continues to have their balloon Burrst.

Hunter Pence – Missed yesterday with a sore shoulder.  Chase Utley scoffed and raised him a sore everything.

Michael Bowden – The key piece in the Byrd trade is headed to the bullpen as predicted here first after reading it elsewhere.  He was a top pitching prospect once, but had a pedestrian K-rate as a starter in AAA so they turned him into a closer where he showed some signs of dominance (10+ K/9).  Nothing to see right now, but, if he has some early success and Marmol is traded (as I think he will be), Bowden could be saving games by the end of the year.

Cody Ross – 2 HRs yesterday and another one on Saturday (his last game).  Hot schmotato!

Daniel Bard – Shut the door yesterday in the 8th inning, but Bobby Valentine said that there’s no “great temptation” to have Bard stay in the bullpen.  In related news, Valentine is going for psychological testing.

Jake Peavy – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 1.88.  I told you to draft him in the preseason, I drafted him in the preseason and then I dropped him.  Why do you make me rue?  I don’t wish to rue.  I’m fine with no ruing.  I’m stirring butter and flour in my soul!

Alex Rios – 3-for-5, hitting .360 on the season and hitting about .500 over the last week.  Cust kayin’.

Dontrelle Willis – The O’s confirmed that they signed Willis.  This was hilarious to me.  I imagine the O’s front office said, “Dah!  Yes, we signed Willis.  Stop mocking us!”

Chris Capuano – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Is it the Year of the Cap?  Not probably, no.  But he could have end of the rotation appeal in mixed leagues and be one of those guys that’s cheap in NL-Only leagues that can really help you.

Michael Pineda – Headed for an MRI on Tuesday.  Here’s the Cliff Notes of a book I wrote (besides this one).  The name of this other book, “Signs of Trouble for Your Fantasy Starter.”  Chapter One:  If your starter is shut down and almost a month later they need an MRI, it’s not good.

CC Sabathia – 8 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks as he has an ERA of 5.27. Without looking at our Player Rater, I’m guessing his FIP is much lower.

Derek Jeter – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, batting .411.  So is he an Early Bird Special or a (Fill-in blank for term of older player who has a renaissance year.  Regarding that term that I asked for with Beltran last week.  I liked Ponce De Leon-g Balls, Hologram Tupac and Dead Cat Bounce, but Rudy nixed them.)?

Dillon Gee – 6 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  He alternated good start/bad start last year and he’s continuing this trend.  It’s pretty uncanny.  It’s like his job is to rope in and frustrate streamers and he takes his job very seriously.

Jason Bay – Left yesterday’s game with bruised ribs, which is nowhere near as delicious as braised ribs.

Hideki Matsui – Rumored to be signing a minor league deal with the Rays.  The Rays hope he still has a little left in the tank if they need a lefty DH.  Matsui just wants a job and heard good things about their potato chips.

Brandon Morrow – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Can we get Scooby on the Case of Morrow’s Missing Ks?  He only had 2 starts all last year of 3 Ks or less and he’s already had 3 starts this year like that and his other start was a 4 K effort.  His velocity didn’t look bad last night, but I’m starting to get concerned.  A guy who walks as many as he does (though he didn’t yesterday), isn’t very cute without Ks.

Krispie Young – Won’t return when his DL stint is up in 15 days.  With a ligament tear in his shoulder?  Really?  Here I thought a ligament tear was a good thing.  Just when you think you got the world figured out.  Wow.  File that in the surpriseapedia.

Wade Miley – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Phillies (Just think, Phils fans, in another 25 years your team will be good again, not like the Red Sox who have to wait 80 years.), and Bauer’s call-up just took two steps back with this Miley effort.  The key word with Miley is serviceable.  That makes for good real world pitching and only matchups appeal in fantasy.

Justin Upton – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs as he hit his first homer.  Formally document it:  In the nick of time, Justin.

Eric Hosmer – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in 3 games and 4th on the year.  He’s still hitting .203, but I bet he’s about to go on a tear and be hitting near .260 by this time next week.  Get it, Hosmer, get it!

Tony Campana – 1-for-1 with 2 steals.  He stole 2nd base so fast that he actually overran it, ran all the way around the globe, causing time to rewind, and allowing him to steal 2nd again.

Jason Motte – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and the blown save.  What a follower!  Ooh, all the cool closers are blowing games so he figured he would too.

Bill Hall – Signing a deal with the Orioles to replace Josh Bell on the Triple-A roster.  Bell to Hall?  This is a big score for the equipment manager.