Fantasy Baseball Advice

Armando Galarraga was perfect through 6 innings and, for fantasy baseball purposes, Galarraga has been solid all year, but that could all change by next week. No… Don’t deflate me! (Doesn’t that sound like a Coldplay song? Don’t deflate me… As we soar… Through the clouds…. Like balloons… I love Gwynnie…) Galarraga’s sporting a 3.2 BB/9, 6.10 K/9 rate and a .246 BABIP… Grey, numbers and old people scare me! Please. Okay, I’ll take it easy, but his WHIP should probably be in the 1.35 range vs. 1.20. So a lucky BABIP is disinfecting his WHIP. Masking the potential odor. He’s got a strong offense behind him so he might get his share of wins. Just don’t count on his peripherals remaining purdy. Armando Hammer may be from South America but don’t snort him….he’s baking soda. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Casey Kotchman – 5-for-5. If he doesn’t get some kind of kissing disease again from open-mouthing the rally monkey, this could be the start of a hot streak.

Jeff Mathis – Finally hot again. Only took him two and a half months. Eh, doesn’t matter to you, does it? Not like you need a catcher. You do? Oh, well, golly!

Howie Kendrick – 4-for-5. Okay, some of this Angels hitting can be attribute to a thin Indians pitching staff.

Mike Mussina – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks. 13 Across, Mussina’s season co-hosted by Cathy Lee Crosby, “That’s _________!”

Shane Victorino – HR off Maine. Moves in front of Alexis Rios with his 7th HR.

Carlos Quentin – 2 HRs, up to 26. I know how you feel, it’s all icing at this point. I agree, but say you grabbed (HR-hitting OF who’s on waivers) and traded Quentin for a pitcher. So you have a pitcher and (HR-hitting OF who’s on waivers), who could have the same amount of home runs as Quentin from now until the end of the year.  Things that make you say, “Hmm…”

Chipper Jones – If I’m talking about him, what do you think happened? He’s not hitting .400, he didn’t home run… He was injured? Look at the big brain on Brad. Chipper says he won’t need the DL. Instead, he’ll just clog up your bench. Sweet!

Luis Ayala – Remained the 8th inning setup man and managed to tighten Hanrahan’s hold on the closer job by giving up 3 runs.

Jim Thome – HR yesterday. I feel like Thome’s bringing the potatoes and mashing them, but people are still calling him a turkey. In the last month and a half, he’s batted over .320 with 9 HRs and 18 RBIs. If everyone on your team was doing that, you’d be in first place asking for fanny kisses.

Tim Hudson – Elbow tightness, but word on the streets of Hotlanta is he won’t miss a start.

CC Sabathia – So if he gets 8 straight wins, he’s not going to win the Cy Young because stats don’t carry from one league to another. When was this rule put in place? Before the invention of the phonograph? There’s interleague now, you morons! Why are we counting those stats? This “no carrying of stats” can’t even be defended. There’s no one sitting around in a bow-tie (and really all of these baseball elitists wear bow-ties), saying, “By George, Randy Wolf can still win the Cy Young because he was traded within the same league, but CC can’t. We’ve really figured out a way to make our stats matter!”

Ricky Nolasco – He’s been too good thus far to bail this quickly, but he gets the Mets next. He’s either headed for another Zoinks! or a Rebound! I think we’re looking at a Zoinks! (BTW, Rudy picked up Nolasco for this start in our league. Greinke’d!)

Jarrod Washburn – Trade target for the Yanks. Guess they saw the Randy Wolf move by the Astros and didn’t want to be left out.

James Shields – He’s the mother sauce of a great pitching staff. Mother sauce, I tell ya!

Jason Bartlett – Will be activated on Thursday. He’s been on the shelf all month and he still has 18 steals on the year. It was a knee injury though, so use some caution, you.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Glad I just traded him so he could start to get hot. *sticking hand in blender like Chunk*

Billy Wagner – Got the save. That ends the Smith-Duaner-Heilman-Feliciano Experiment until Wagner’s next flare up. (Two weeks.)

Mike Hampton – Set to join Braves rotation next week. I bet a bunch of you went back to reread that. Mike who? Hampton what?

Adam Dunn – Grand slam yesterday. They should weigh all MLB players in Dunns. Allow me to demonstrate, “Eric Byrnes is a third of a Dunn,” “So Taguchi is 3 Dunn arms,” and “Mike Napoli is 4 Dunn legs and 7 Dunn sausage fingers.”

Looks like Chipper Jones is headed to the DL. In other news, water is wet, taco diarrhea burns and astronaut ice cream is delicious. Couple of things spring to mind. First, steroids lead to injuries. Before 2004, Chipper played in at least 150 games for eight years in a row. Yes, that’s right. He wasn’t always injury-prone. It just feels that way. Why doesn’t anyone question Chipper about steroids? Is it because he’s white (or Caucasian for the PC gang…. Or posse, if gang’s too edgy for you)? Second, Chipper will challenge .400 and just barely qualify for the batting title. This will result in a bunch of crazy old coots (ala Buzz Bizzinger) coming out of the woodwork to say things like, “Hogwash! Williams had 150 more at-bats!” To this I say, I agree. I hope Chipper doesn’t hit .400. I hate that Bonds owns the home run record, that Titantic beat Star Wars for #1 box office and that Joey Chestnut beat Kobayashi. Third, Chipper seems racist to me. Just like Lance Berkman. This is completely unfounded. Just a gut call. I might even be held libel for saying it, but I’m partially insane, so there’s that. My craziness is why you’re here reading. If I were boring, I’d yawnstipate you and you’d move on. What does this mean for fantasy baseball? Nothing really. Just some things I needed to get off my chest. Anyway, here’s some things I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Roy Oswalt – Might be headed to the Disgraceful List a few months after he should’ve. A month or so ago, I said Oswalt would pitch through injury because that’s just how he’s built. (This site is easily searched so I’m going to leave it up to you guys to find that link. Trust me, I said it. I have a photographic memory for nonsense.) Oswalt’s not Chipper Jones, I’ll tell you that. He’ll keep pitching if he can. Since he came out of the game, my non-professional opinion is that Oswalt may hit the DL.

Chad Cordero – Out for the season. As far back as April 3rd (Yes, I found that link myself, smart ass.), I told you Rauch would get more saves and you should unload Cordero, whether you listened is on you. You do what you do; I do what I do and we meet somewhere in the middle. Mapquest it!

Juan Pierre – Hit the DL for the first time in his career. He’ll be out long enough to drop him in most leagues (4-6 weeks). The one guy who held Ethier this whole time just said this, “Yes!” Everyone else just said, “Whatever.”

Eric Byrnes – He aggravated his hamstring. (Or is it reaggravated? And if it’s aggravated then when does it become reaggravated? After the second aggravation? Third? This shizz will keep me up!) I told you to go after Byrnes, now that I see it will be a recurring injury, get out before you’re *pinkie to mouth* burned. Not worth it, trade him for 50 cents on the dollar.

Troy Percival – Wow, big night in fantasy baseball, right? Right. So he (re)aggravated his hamstring strain too. (Maybe… and this is a longshot, but bear with me…. Maybe Byrnes had a Percival voodoo doll and vice versa, but they made a pact to not use each other’s voodoo dolls. Then when Byrnes felt a tweak in his hamstring, he thought Percy betrayed him, so he went into his locker and stuck a needle in Percival’s voodoo doll hammy. Or not. I’m speculating.) Wheeler takes over for Percy until he returns.

Felix Hernandez – Right when the injury happened I said he’d be out at least 15 days. Everyone else said he’d make his next start. I called bullshit. Now he’s headed to the DL. Are you a doctor, Grey? No, I saw the injury and F-Her was carried off the field. That means DL for a last place team’s ace in June. Dur.

Brian Fuentes – Kazaam!

Josh Willingham – 2 HRs, been getting some “Would you get with this or would you get with that? I think you’ll get with this, because this is where it’s at” questions regarding Willingham. So here goes, Willingham over Thome, Swisher, Hermedia, anyone on the A’s, Headley, Bruce, Lyle Overbay, Chris Davis, Swisher, Per Djoos, Snyder, Billy Butler, Frenchy and Fred Lewis. Willingham not over Tulowitzki, Doumit, Kouzmanoff, Gordon, Dye, Parra, any closer currently getting saves and Corey Hart. This list was paid for by the committee to get Willingham on your team.

Mark DeRosa – 2 HRs, 6 RBIs and the start at third as Aramis took a family vacay. Must be something about the last name Ramirez because I could totally see Aramis and Manny getting along like two peas in an empanada.

Jhonny Peralta – 5-for-5, HR, 3 doubles, 3 RBIs, superflouous “H.”

Jim Thome – Hit another home run. I mentioned yesterday that he was getting picked up by me and he did.

Matt Thornton – Got the save yesterday instead of Jenks. Think it might have been just a matter of Jenks being overworked. I’m trying to get to the bottom of this. Stay tuned… (Or simply tell me what’s going on. That might be nice for a change.)

Joel Zumaya – Got the save in Jones’s stead. Just another case of the regular closer being overworked. Or is it? Yes, it seems that way. But it could mean Zumaya might get eight to ten saves from this point on just to “keep everyone fresh,” which is also known as  “not letting Jones blow too many games.”

Aaron Harang – 7 IP, 8 Ks, 3 ER, 1.14 WHIP. Now that looks like a Harang line. I’ll take that from now until October with a few wins mixed in.

Roy Halladay – Threw a four-hit, shutout against the Mariners. Jeffrey Loria, sick of trying to make the Marlins bad and failing, announced he would buy Seattle’s team, move them to Florida and call them the Marliners. First move: Rehire Bill Bavasi. Where did you go so terrifically wrong with Sexson that I went so horribly right with Jorge Cantu?

Dave Bush – Pimple-faced teenager runs in front of your car, “Watch out, Mister! Dave Bush is falling back to earth!” You stop short and Dave Bush falls in front of your car.

John Lackey showed Jered Weaver and Jake Peavy how it’s done. When your team gives you one run, you make shutout lemonade. After the game, one Angels fan said, “Lackey is twice the pitcher of Jim Abbott.” That’s 9 starts for Lackey this year and they’ve all been fantastic. 7+ IP every game. 2 runs or less in all except one (where he had 3). 6 Wins, sub-1.00 WHIP. Lackey hasn’t made a bad pitch since he tried to convince Arte Moreno to invest in his remake of Cop and a Half with John Lackey and Chone Figgins. I don’t know what they did to rehab his elbow but they should give a little bit to Kelvim Escobar. Now if he could only run for Vlad. As for Kevin Slowey, he pitched a complete game shutout. I touted Slowey all the way back in the beginning of May, while remaining realistic about his propensity for giving up home runs. I felt yesterday’s Brewers matchup wasn’t favorable for him, but I also told you Frenchy was a Buy in that May 3rd post, so I’ve had a few bumps along the way. However, if I may beat my own horn, in that May 3rd post I was probably 75% right. Seriously, doubt me. It makes me want to be better. Like Jerry Mcguire. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Davis – Homered yesterday. In one of my leagues, he doesn’t clear waivers until July 3rd. Seriously, Yahoo, you suck. How has Yahoo become the de facto fantasy baseball service of choice? I’m leaning to returning to ESPN next year. (Of course my favorite will be CBS, but they charge. Then again, isn’t everyone paying money for real time stats on Yahoo? How is this okay? Chris Davis played in two games before he was even added. It wasn’t even like he was added the day after his at-bat. Yahoo is known for being the number one search engine ten years ago. They’re attempting to do some nonsense with new email addresses. I guess this is for the six people who don’t already have a work email, a personal email and a spam email. Yeah, I want a fourth email. A “I’m never going to use this email” email. You can now reach me at YahooFantasyBaseballSucks@Rocketmail.com.)

Mark Buehrle – I started him again last night and got another quality start. I’m worried that I’m pressing my luck. No whammy! No whammy! Ooh… 5 IP and 7 ER.

Eric Gagne – Untuck his shirt Sunday night as he was activated from the DL. Knowing Torres should remain the closer and trying to save (<—pun!) face, Gagne said he’d welcome any job the Brewers had for him. I have an idea. During the 7th inning sausage race, how about a new addition — the crapwurst?

Andy Pettitte – That’s 4 straight wins with a 1.00 ERA over 27 IP. Granted, that includes a start against OAK and SDG but he’s paid off Rudy bigtime as a 6th starter in two leagues.

Jim Thome – I said on Friday that I would be buying once interleague was over. He hit a home run yesterday. I’ve picked him up in a ten team league. Adam Dunn was happy to see me pickup Thome. No longer would he get mocked for wearing overalls and chewing straw.

Dustin Pedroia – Here he comes to save the day! Mighty Mouse has been on fire all month and is now over .300 with 8 HR and 9 SB for the year.

Edwin Encarnacion – Homered yesterday. Do you think he dreams of being Adrian Beltre when he grows up? All you need is one monster season, double-E!

Michael Cuddyer – From the files of 2007 fantasy baseball, I felt like I should mention this schmohawk, but he’s done nothing this year at all. Now he’s headed to the DL.

Oliver Perez – Shut down the Yanks. He’s the equivalent of a crazy hot chick.

A.J. Burnett – If Oliver Perez is like a crazy hot chick, AJ Burnett is like a crazier Oliver Perez.

Brandon Lyon – After blowing another Haren save, it’s quite apparent. He’s made a Brandon pact with Mr. Webb. Todd Jones has made a similar pact with an imaginary pitcher on the Tigers he’s named Todd.

I don’t like Brandon Webb. Why, Grey? Why the hard feelings? Did he have sex with your sister and then make you smell his fingers? No, you sick bastard. In 2004, I owned Brandon Webb in a league that counted Ks minus BBs and Webb had 119 walks that year, which is about twice his usual amount. I left that season vowing never to draft him again. So what did he do since my vow? He went on to become one of the top pitchers in the game. Did he become great as a personal vow of vengeance against me? Probably. Now just because Brandon Webb wants to be petty doesn’t mean I have to be, too. So while he has sucked dog balls over the last month, am I celebrating his struggles during Mojito Night at Case de Grey? No, it’s not necessary. A 6.05 ERA in June is bad. He knows. I don’t need to point out the obvious. Only 14 strikeouts in 22 IP is dreadful. In his last two games his ERA is 9.58. That’s 11 ER in 10.1 IP. Ugh and ugly. So this is great news for me because I get to see Webb struggle, but even better news for all of you that don’t own him. Not simply for the schadenfreude glee you get from seeing your friends miserable. (But that helps!) No, his recent struggles opens up a buying opportunity. Last year his Pre-All Star break ERA was 3.37; Post-All Star was 2.56.  His three year average against is .256 before the break and .239 after. I’m not a huge fan of trading for pitchers, especially not top ones, but while Webb struggles, there might be a chance to get him cheaper than usual. So if you need to get a pitcher, Webb should get better. Anyway, here’s some other players to buy and sell in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Chris Davis – Mentioned this morning. How’s that for timeliness?

Fred Lewis – On one hand, he has a name that sounds like he should be an 80s sitcom character, on the other he has 6 HRs and 13 steals. Consider him a weak man’s 30/30. Say 10/30?

Steven Pearce – Starting to hit everything he sees out of the park. Pirates prospect should get a look soon once the Pirates realize they should be playing for next year. (Yes, they should’ve been playing for next year in March. That’s cute. Did you think up that one on your own?)

Vladimir Guerrero – He already made one Buy list. Guess what? I’m still buying. Not because I think he’ going to go 40/40 after the break, but I do think he will be better than he has been and his price tag is extremely low right now.

Jim Thome – I noticed he was on waivers in one of my ten team leagues. Hmm… Once interleague is over, I’m picking him up. As a utility guy, he’s that bad? (That was rhetorical!)

Wandy Rodriguez – Well you came and you gave without taking, but I sent you away, oh Wandy… Where else do you go to get your fantasy baseball and Barry Manilow fill in one place? (That’s not rhetorical.)

Ryan Church – He should be back this weekend from his concussion. (On a side note, I was hit by a truck in college, knocking me into a coma. Long story short, I was back within the week getting drunk on Lansdowne. The truck was bigger than Marlon Anderson. Seriously, Willie might have made a misstep chucking Church back in there the next day, but now Church’s moving close to pulling a Kotchman.)

Gary Sheffield – Sheffield hates you. He just does. There’s no rhyme or reason. He especially hates those who think he can’t play anymore. To prove your stupid face wrong, he will continue to hit and prove his worth. But Sheff has the distinction of being both a Buy and a Sell. See below why he’s a “Sell.” (Talk about hedging my bets!)

SELL

Gary Sheffield – He’s old and steroids are now banned. Nagging injuries become DL stints and “Sheff needs a day off.” It’s hard for me to hate on Sheff too much; Sheff talks about himself in third person. Grey likes that, but Grey also is not picking Sheff up in any league.

Carlos Pena – If Pena was dropped in any league while he was injured, he’s worth grabbing to see if he can get hot. But, like Chief Jay Strongbow, I have my reservations. Then again, I used to think George Michael was straight, so I’ve been wrong in the past. Wait, this sounds like a Buy. Yeah, it is sorta (Grey’s hedging again!), but I also think Pena will be a season long bust and if Pena gets hot I think he should be sold immediately before he gives you a .220 average.

Francisco Liriano – He might be a Buy again next week, but for now, I’m dropping him. He’s looked bad in his last two minor league starts.

Kurt Suzuki – He had two home runs in the last two weeks and now he’s a hot add. An arm wrestling match between Suzuki vs. Kendall would last for three hours with one of them quitting because of a broken nail.

Eric Stults – I loved him as Rocky Dennis. Is he some kind of wonderful? Eh.

J.D. Drew – He will break your heart, just ask Philly.

Milton Bradley – He hates you more than Sheff. Larry King seems to think Milton Bradley should add “Fun For All Ages” at the end of his name. I think Milton Bradley would Chacon the air from your lungs if he heard you say that.