Fantasy Baseball Advice

This is almost the end of the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings.  With these top 80 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball, there’s a few names that I’m really gunning for on my teams… My deeper teams.  On last year’s top 80, there were a few guys that shot up the rankings (Hellickson, Anibal, Garza and Zimmermann), so I imagine a lot of you won’t need most of the names on this list, but there will be some.  Now humor me.  There’s tiers and projections mentioned for everyone.  Anyway, here’s the top 80 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball:

61. Brandon McCarthy – This tier started in the top 60 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This tier ends at Peavy.  I called this tier, “Holy crap, there were a lot of starters I didn’t like in the top 60 starters post.  Let’s see some names I like.  Please.”  The first two guys in this tier could’ve been called, “Young pitchers who don’t strike out many that you should start at home.”  McCarthy’s ERA at home was 2.65 and 1.11 WHIP.  As said two sentences ago, McCarthy doesn’t strike out a whole lot of guys.  Two Sentences Ago, “Why don’t you come up with your own points?”  2012 Projections:  8-11/3.50/1.17/140

62. Tim Stauffer – Last year Stauffer had a home ERA of 2.57 and a 1.13 WHIP.  I’ll give this to you nice and simple like Minnie Pearl would’ve wanted it.  Stauffer is a Hodgepadre.  Start him at home and sit him on the road.  He did have 94 1/3 IP innings at home last year, so you’re talking about a top tier reliever’s ratio stats if you hold firm when to start him.  2012 Projections:  8-10/3.80/1.24/135

63. Ted Lilly – I could’ve made a sub-tier within this tier calling these last three guys, “Pitchers that I refuse to learn from no matter how many times they burn me.”  I really believe last year we saw the beginning of the end of Lilly.  Fading Lilly, if you like pithy comments that sound like sushi restaurants.  There’s some arguments to be made that that (stutterer!) is incorrect.  He did come on in the 2nd half (2.94 ERA, 8+ K/9).  If you believe his 1st half (4.79 ERA) was just an aberration on the that-ain’t-the-real-thing tip, then I could see grabbing Lilly late.  For his price, it’s probably worth it.  2012 Projections:  11-8/3.85/1.18/160

64. Scott Baker – For those of you that can’t wait to read the end of this post just to comment that Lilly and Baker’s projections look better than Stauffer and McCarthy so why do I have them below?  Don’t.  Lilly is on the downswing of his career and Baker can’t stay healthy.  Take an upside flyer with Stauffer or McCarthy before these guys.  Those of you who didn’t read this blurb and commented about the order of the rankings, you’re not reading this either.  Too bad, I would’ve had you say hello to your mother for me.  Hey now!  2012 Projections:  11-7/3.65/1.19/160

65. Jake Peavy – If he can stay healthy, he could be valuable.  Unfortunately, my man can’t stay healthy.  Grey, you have no faith in medicine, The White Stripes.  If I were the type to say completely unsubstantiated claims with no factual evidence, I’d say Peavy can’t stay healthy because he used to do steroids.  I would never say that though.  I’m way above that!  Hopefully, there’s no my-momma-didn’t-name-me-that scandal with the reveal that he’s really Jack Peavy and actually 78 years old, but that would jive with all of his health problems.  For those worried about the integrity of our great game, I do think the name scandals will soon end with all players selling their naming rights to companies.  Now pitching for the New York Yankees… Saran Wrap!  2012 Projections:  10-8/3.75/1.21/130

66. Ryan Vogelsong – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Jackson.  I call this tier, “You may get a number three fantasy starter or you may get someone similar to Nadir Bupkus.”  Last year didn’t really make sense.  Not in general, unless you’re trying to figure why you like baseball yet weren’t that crazy about Moneyball.  I think you had to not like baseball to love Moneyball.  But I was referring to last year not making sense for Vogelsong.  He’s like 40 years old (34) and he just put up his best season, even though his peripherals (pitch speed, where the pitches were, etc.) didn’t get better from the last time he was in the States.  Maybe he can repeat it.  More likely, you’re going to get a good spot starter when he faces the Padres, Dodgers and some other weaker offenses.  2012 Projections:  10-9/3.75/1.26/140

67. Jonathon Niese – Last year, his ERA was 4.40 and now the Mets are moving in the fences and constructing a giant Madoff head to blow hot air out to right field.  So why is Niese in a positive tier?  Thanks, clunky expository question!  He had a K-rate of 7.89 last year and showed in the minors that is about right and could be even a little higher.  Also, he had a slightly off BABIP and poor LOB%, so he wasn’t really a near-four and half ERA pitcher, but probably three-quarters of a run better.  All these good vibes about Niese make me want to do my Grind workout.  2012 Projections:  9-10/3.75/1.32/160

68. Bud Norris – You can’t predict wins.  You shouldn’t even try.  It is totally pointless.  But since I had a “Totally Pointless” college degree this is right up my alley.  You are not going to get wins with Norris.  You will get some walks and nice Ks.  I kinda want Norris on every team.  Might even draft him on my AL-Only keeper team for when the Astros realign.  2012 Projections:  7-9/3.80/1.32/190

69. Mike Leake – His ground ball percentage was solid, walks were dropped by over one per game and his strikeouts increased (though not to a rate that is drool-inducing).  If Leake can avoid dribblers through the vas deferns, he should have some success.  2012 Projections:  13-8/3.75/1.22/135

70. Ryan Dempster – I’m tentatively liking Dempster this year.  His 4.80 ERA last year was H to the ideous, but he did have a 3.70 xFIP and a 8.50 K/9.  I’ve seen worse stats.  Some of the guys above him, for instance, they have worse stats.  I don’t know the intricacies of his contract and I don’t think you should draft someone in March with the hope they’re traded, but wouldn’t shock me to see Dempster on a pennant contender before 2012 is through.  Maybe he’ll go to the Padres, if the Yankees change their name to the Padres.  2012 Projections:  12-8/3.90/1.33/190

71. Edwin Jackson – Signed yesterday with the Nats, naturally.  Looks like all the Nats needed to become a contender was to get rid of Bowden.  Great addition for the Nats’ rotation.  For fantasy, it’s a’ight.  Earlier in his career, he was better in the AL than the NL, but now that he’s matured I think it was an immaturity thing.  Funny how that works.  Best case scenario is a 3.50 ERA and kinda icky WHIP.  Worst case scenario is a 4 and a half ERA and icky WHIP.  Speaking of which, I was thinking about what’s the best best case scenario of recent times and I have to think it’s The Jersey Shore.  I can’t help watch the opening and think about how when they made that title sequence they all were probably glad to just be employed by a t-shirt shop, MTV almost axed the show before it started and none of them really had much chance for a future unless you count success by the number of acquired STDs.  Now they’re all millionaires and it’s laughable that they would work at a t-shirt shop.  Of course, the worst worst case scenario would have to be leaving the show a’la Angelina and not reaping any of its benefits.  What a stunod.  2012 Projections:  11-10/3.80/1.35/160

72. Hiroki Kuroda – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Collmenter.  I call this tier, “Solid, but unspectacular.”  See, I will draft solid with a chance for spectacular.  I’ll even take a chance on very risky with a chance for spectacular.  But “Solid, but unspectacular” gets drafted around the time I want to take flyers, so I don’t bother with this tier.  When you’re this late in a draft, it makes no sense to draft a guy like Kuroda, Danks, Buehrle, etc.  Like any investment, they’re the last one in and first one out.  It’s a shame that Kuroda was picked up by the Yankees.  When he was on the Dodgers, he was a solid back end of your fantasy rotation starter that no one ever reached for.  For whatever reason, everyone looked the other way even though his career ERA is under 3.50, WHIP’s under 1.20, walks are low and his K/9 last year was over 7.  Oh, well.  I wouldn’t draft him with your fantasy team in 2012.  AL East and The Stadium They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built is two negatives that don’t equal a positive.  2012 Projections:  12-9/3.90/1.24/150

73. John Danks – I’ll admit I’m probably too down on Danks.  He’s the very definition of solid, but unspectacular.  A big issue with solid but unspectacular that I didn’t mention above.  If for some reason you get less than solid, you get Danks’s 2011:  4.33 ERA, 135 Ks and 1.34 WHIP.  That’s not even solid.  At 27 years old, he should revert back to solid, but unspectacular.  2012 Projections:  9-10/3.75/1.28/150

74. Mark Buehrle – Gets wins, mid-3 ERA, lots of innings… What’s not to like?  Oh, yeah, he strikes out about as much as Mystery in a college bar on “Ladies drink for free” night.  2012 Projections:  14-10/3.70/1.28/100

75. Ivan Nova – With a 3.70 ERA, he won 16 games last year in 28 games started.  Basically, Blyleven would’ve been a first ballot Hall of Famer on the Yankees.  If you’re chasing wins, I could see going with Nova, but chasing wins is a losing proposition. (<–Turn of a phrase point!)  2012 Projections:  14-8/4.00/1.33/110

76. Gavin Floyd – I’ve tied Floyd to Danks in my rankings for as long as I can remember, which sounds like a nerdy version of the Goodfellas voiceover.  Floyd is a tad under Danks because of his age.  There’s a better chance of Danks exceeding his projections than Floyd, but they’re both solid, but… Well, you know.  2012 Projections:  9-11/4.00/1.26/155

77. R.A. Dickey – I don’t like Dickey, not that there’s anything right with that.  He’s totally blown away my projections the last two years, but I can’t trust a knuckleballer.  I don’t like when I’m relying on a pitcher that has no idea where the ball is going.  I’m sure he’s used to the hate.  Can’t be easy going through puberty with a name like Dickey and being a knuckleballer.  2012 Projections:  10-9/3.75/1.27/130

78. Josh Collmenter – You thought I didn’t like Dickey?  Try my dislike of Collmenter on for size.  Too snug?  That’s cause you have both of your arms in the same sleeve.  Collmenter had a 5+ K-rate and a 4.18 xFIP.  No Ks there is a than, but no thans.  2012 Projections:  8-10/4.25/1.24/110

79. Francisco Liriano – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until here.  I call this tier, “Screw you, Liriano.”  He got very lucky last year.  No, not with his FIP or xFIP or BABIP or men left on base or with runs scored for.  He got lucky I didn’t kill him.  2012 Projections:  11-11/4.30/1.35/155

80. Brett Cecil – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Volquez.  I call this tier, “You’ll probably drop most of these guys by mid-April and may not even have the nads to start them once on your team, but you may as well take a flyer.”  (The projections in this tier are optimistic.)  I saw one ‘pert didn’t rank Cecil in his top 100 starters.  I thought that was odd.  He’s only 26 years old.  Then I looked at mock draft results and he wasn’t anywhere.  I saw Joel Pineiro.  I saw Jason Hammel.  I even saw Javier Vazquez.  He retired.  We’re all that done with a 26-year-old pitcher who was being drafted last year in the top 200?  I don’t want to point any fingers, but you — yeah, you.  Don’t look behind you. — were excited about drafting Cecil last year.  Nothing in his stats say bounce back, but between him or Pineiro or a guy that retired, I’m going with Cecil.  2012 Projections:  12-9/4.00/1.30/145

After the top 80 starters, there’s a lot of names, but here’s some that stand out:

Homer Bailey - With a career ERA of 4.89, I’ve warded off Homer to use two of the better father names in the history of television.  Now, I find myself seeing a scenario where I could draft him very late.  His walk rate last year was more than one walk off his previous year.  His K-rate fell a bit, but it’s still over 7.  His xFIP was 3.77 and his team should win some games.  Bailey is long overdue for a breakout.  I’m saying sleeper and grab him late.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it until he defecates all over my ERA.  2012 Projections:  12-9/3.70/1.28/130

Chris Sale – If I had to, and I probably do, write a sleeper post about Sale or Bard, it’s a no-brainer.  It’s Sale all the way.  Sale’s only real question mark is how many innings will the Pale Hose throw him.  (BTW, if I was writing newspaper headlines in 1919, I would’ve wrote “Paint the White Hose Black.” If there’s any time travelers reading this, take it, it’s yours.)  I think Sale sees about 125 innings.  2012 Projections:  8-8/3.50/1.24/130

Daniel Bard – When the Sawx first announced Bard would start, here’s what I said, “The Sawx are toying with the idea that Daniel Bard should be in the rotation rather than as the closer.  To incorrectly quote Gordon Gekko, “That’s a toy with fleas.”  As a starter in the minor leagues, his ERA was 7.08 and walked 78 hitters in 75 innings.  Granted, this was early on in his minor league career, but I don’t see the Sawx taking a pitcher that is actually succeeding as a reliever and stretching him out to fail.  Then again, their rotation isn’t exactly five deep.  Hopefully Daniel doesn’t stay *pinkie to mouth* Bard from the bullpen.  Or should I say bullpun.”  And that’s me quoting me!  I still think the Red Sox make a last minute move to keep Bard in the bullpen and acquire another starter.  2012 Projections:  9-7/3.70/1.22/160

Brad Peacock – I already went over my Brad Peacock fantasy.  It’s January Grey’s favorite post.   2012 Projections:  9-8/3.60/1.30/170

Edinson Volquez – If he gets 200 innings, he will strikeout 200 hitters.  Look at the rest of this post and try to find another guy K’ing 200.  So why isn’t he ranked higher?  Well, there’s this little problem with him walking people like it’s his job.  It’s not his job.  If that’s getting lost in the translation, someone should tell him that is not his job.  Yo camino no trabajar!  2012 Projections:  8-12/3.75/1.33/200

Ricky Nolasco – This is the last tier.  This tier is called, “I didn’t forget these guys.  I’m just not drafting them.”  Nolasco hasn’t had an ERA under 4.50 in 3 years, but if you’re playing in a league that counts K/BB rates or guys that underperform, then by all means go with Nolasco.  2012 Projections:  12-9/4.25/1.29/150

Wade Davis – He had strikeout numbers in the minors, and I think those return from wherever they went, but I’m not drafting him on the assumption they will.  Could be a nice during-season-pickup if he gets his shizz together.  2012 Projections:  10-10/4.15/1.35/115

Carlos Zambrano – Ozzie will either bond with Zambrano and have him produce his best year since the mid-naughts or their personalities together will become so combustible that Little Havana will break from the union and form the 51st state with Ozzie becoming Supreme Leader of Little Havana and having Zambrano executed.  My money’s on the latter.  2012 Projections:  11-10/4.10/1.35/130

Johan Santana – The Mets are hoping to get 25 starts out of Johan.  The Mets are saying he’s a question mark for Opening Day.  The Mets pronounce players ready to return usually six months before they’re back on the field and they’re saying bad things already about Johan.  Instead of drafting Johan, if you’re into torturing yourself, try meeting up with random people from Craigslist’s Missed Connections.  Here’s one, “You didn’t tan, your freckles merged.  Now I want our bodies to.  I saw you at the Jiffy Lube on Tuesday.  I can’t wait another 3 months or 3,000 miles.”  2012 Projections:  7-5/3.75/1.22/80 (in 120 innings)

Apparently, A-Rod’s got a bucket list (get creative with letter replacements for b) that he wrote when he was 15 years old.  Madonna, check.  Cameron Diaz, check.  Christie Brinkley, check.  “I wonder if Phoebe Cates will come to my pool party.”  To spice things up, he puts on Betamax copies of Skinemax movies.  “Oh, Emmanuelle…” Who needs Derek Jeter’s rejects when you can have Mickey Rourke’s?  So with the media circus surrounding Jeter’s 3000 hit, Rudy and I both couldn’t make it out to The House They Built Next To The House Ruth Built, but we were able to send Keith Morrison of Dateline.  “Hello, I’m Keith Morrison of Dateline.  It’s in this small, bucolic town, the South Bronx, that Alex Rodriguez calls home.  Everything seemed right in the world this weekend.  The famed Yankee captain, Derek Jeter, did what no other Yankee had done before, but quietly in the corner of the clubhouse something was brewing below the surface — A-Rod’s knee and his love of cougars.”  A-Rod is going to miss the next 6 weeks or so with knee surgery.  If you’re wondering if your team will be all right without his power, look at his stats for the last month.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

CC Sabathia – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks while A-Rod made eyes at his mom.

Paul Maholm – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now has a season ERA of 2.96.  Has helped me remove some of the odor from dropping Anibal the first week of the season.

Pedro Alvarez – It’s a cruel twist of fate when you draft someone, they suck, get injured and then sadly you leave them on your DL for two months hoping they’ll turn their season around when they return only to be demoted.  Unfortunately, the cruelness won’t end there because I’ll probably draft him again next year.  Alvarez, please use an alternate route than Ian Stewart.

Jake Peavy – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  There’s guys like Luebke on your waivers and you continue to roll out Peavy.  That there is why you’re losing.  Sorry, it’s Tough Love Time with Grey Albright.  Our next guest will be the guy who still has Pedro Alvarez on his team.  Wait, that’s me.  No, tables, don’t turn!

Adam Dunn – Hit a homer on Friday and that’s it all weekend.  They should put him in the Home Run Derby so we can see our first strikeout.

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Didn’t say I didn’t like him when I said to sell him on Friday.  Don’t put words in mouth, you know I don’t like that.  Now eat your vegetables.

Carlos Gonzalez – Headed for an MRI on Monday.  Wait, that’s today?  Unless you’re in New Zealand — weirdos!  If it’s bad news about the CarGo MRI, I give you permission to cry if A) You own him.  B) You’re a Rockies fan.  C) There’s no C.

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Here’s what I said after his last start, “Hopefully he’ll start to turn things around again.  Just putting that out into the universe.  It’s the secret.”  It works!  Now if I could win the lottery…  Wink-wink, Universe.  Are you listening?  BTW, speaking of having more money than you know what to do with, I was watching Real Sports the other day and they had a segment on Saadi Gaddafi.  He threw his money around to get on a professional soccer team and, even though he was worse than a high school player, no one said anything because he could have them killed.  Then he hired the shamed Olympic gold medalist, Ben Johnson, to teach him how to run.  I won’t give away the whole thing, but seek it out.  It’s brilliant.

Mark Trumbo – 4 homers in the last five games to bring his season tally to 17.  I actually find it more surprising that the Sciosciapath hasn’t decided to randomly bench him for Jeff Mathis or Maicer Izturis.

Eric Thames -3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th home run.  Nice of Bautista to let him carry the home run conch shell for one day.

Brett Cecil – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I will now pick him up in every league and potentially bench him for his next start, depending on the matchup.  It’s all about the dangling modifier.  That’s what she said!

Wandy Rodriguez – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  The Wandwagon has come off the tracks three of the last four starts.  He’s around a 3.50 ERA pitcher and his season ERA sits at 3.52.  So I guess he’ll now shave off that .02, and that’s my two cents.

Emilio Bonifacio – 3-for-3 with 3 steals.  Now has 5 steals in his last 3 games.  Emily Boneface isn’t just an awkwardly translated name, it’s a steals machine.  BTW, I wonder if Josh’s brother, Gosh Johnson, ever did any scenes with Emily Boneface.

Chase Utley – 2-for-4 with 2 steals.  Now has 8 steals and 4 homers.  Didn’t he have knee problems?  So now he’s a speedster with little power?  I’m more confused by what he’s doing this season than Charlie Manuel watching Jeopardy.

Raul Ibanez – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 2nd homer this weekend.  Giraffe’s gestation period is shorter than it took Ibanez to get hot, but he’s there now.  Actually, I looked at Ibanez in one league last week and wish I grabbed him, but I got William Shatner finger and I….just…couldn’t….pick…him…up.

Dontrelle Willis – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks.  You’re only looking at him because he was good like five years ago.

Francisco Cordero – Who was the one who went into the bathroom and forget to flush?  *Cordero blushes.*  Dusty would be one of the slower managers to react to a faltering closer, but CoCo is doing everything in his power to make him flinch.  You can handcuff with Aroldis, who should be owned anyway.

Mark Reynolds – Should be fine after being hit on the hand by a Weiland pitch.  Supposedly, Weiland was mad Reynolds compared him to Eddie Vedder.

Vladimir Guerrero – Will also be fine after being hit by a pitch.  In the bullpen, Kevin Gregg hulk-smashed a gagged-and-bound Johnny Pesky.

Nate Schierholtz – 4-for-4 on Sunday, hitting near .400 over the last week.  With a last name that is German for pantyhose, you’d think he’d generate more excitement for me.  He just doesn’t give huge power or speed.

Javy Guerra – Got two saves this weekend.  Looks like he’s officially won the job of Dodgers closer, which is like beating conjoined twins in a race to put on pants.

Ted Lilly – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He’s been like the NL Liriano and Scherzer, so it pains me to point out Lilly was solid after the break last year (3.17 ERA).

Andre Ethier – 2 homers.  Now on pace for 17 homers.  No wonder Kemp pulls all the ladies.

David Wright – Supposed to start a rehab assignment on Wednesday.  Mets said he should be back sometime in July.  They failed to mention what year.

Ryan Madson went to the DL with numbness in his pitching hand.  Hello, bullpen?  Is there anybody in there?  Just nod if you can hear me.  Brad Lidge is due back in a few weeks.  AHHHHH!  Now you feel a little sick.  Antonio Bastardo would be the immediate add for vulture saves.  That’ll keep you going through the show.  Come on, it’s time to go.  But that Bastardo is a lefty, so Michael Stutes could get some saves.  Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying.  Michael Stutes could get some saves.  Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying.  Michael Stutes– Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying.  Forget it, I’d grab Bastardo if I were in desperate need for saves.  Unless you have become comfortably numb.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brett Cecil – The man who sounds like a 70′s Playboy pinup has returned from Triple-A.  During the preseason, I put Cecil in a tier of starters called, “There’s some upside here, but I wouldn’t expect anything,” and said more or less that Cecil was once considered better than Romero.  There’s signs of a terrific K-rate in the minors, the Jays have watched his innings well and he cut his walk rate last year.  Great, wonderful, fantastic!  Unfortunately, he’s still in the AL East, his K-rate last year was terrible and he was hideous in April this year.  And that’s me copying, pasting, liberally quoting and adding addendums to me!

Shin-Soo Choo – As I reported here on Monday after inferring shizz from other sites, Choo’s out until September, having surgery on his thumb.  I’d lose him in redraft leagues where you don’t have DL room.  What a waste of a draft pick.  Ah, Choo… Bless you.

Doug Davis – 4 1/3 IP, 10 ER.  The Cubs should reduce their DD.  It’s just sloppy.

Starlin Castro – 1-for-9 for the doubleheader.  For when someone does terrible on both sides of a doubleheader, it sounds like we need an alternate glossary definition for a player dropping a deuce.

Ryan Vogelsong – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s totally charmed right now.  He actually gets hit in this game as he should be and the Giants score the most runs they have all year. (This wasn’t fact checked, but it’s probably accurate.)

Miguel Tejada – 3-for-6 with a home run.  They must have some great B-12 in Chicago.

Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  About a month ago, we almost pulled the trigger on a trade of Heath Bell and Pence for Cliff Lee.  With Pence’s injury and Bell about to be traded, could see that being one that we Mr. Bungled.

Jonathan Broxton – Will be out for at least a month and a half.  Mattingly said he’d consider it a bonus if Broxton pitched again this year.  Doesn’t a bonus come on top of something good?  Where is Strunk & White to let them know it’s not correct grammar to say something like, “My best friend is sleeping with my wife, but I’d consider it a bonus if he used a condom.”

Javy Guerra – He’s the guy to own in the Dodgers bullpen. (For that one save opportunity every month or so.)

Ted Lilly – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Last time out, I said he was unstartable, but then I saw he was facing the Twins in the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome and I decided to give it a whirl.  Now, Lilly and I are done.  Lose my number.  Wait, he gets the Mets next time out.  Why can’t I quit you?!

Nick Swisher – 2-for-4 with his third home run in the last 5 games.  Looks like Swisher is finally playing as hot as those sideburns make him look.  Wait, what?  Umm… Awkward… Umm… Yeah, I’d grab Swisher.  In fantasy!  Um, leagues.

Eduardo Nunez – 1-for-3 with 2 steals.  That’s nice, but he’s not long for a starting job.  Pasta Diving is up and running.

Vernon Wells – 4-for-5 and his 10th home run.  Told you last week to grab him, then again on Monday.  Don’t make me keep talking about Vernon Wells.  Please.

J.J. Hardy – 1-for-4 and his 4th home run in the last 10 games while batting near .350 in the last week.  I wish I knew how to repay him other than sending him a giant cake that I’m gonna jump out of in my birthday suit.  And to think baseball players don’t like fantasy baseball nerds.  Pfft!

Zack Greinke – 2 IP, 7 ER vs. Yankees for the Bronx cheer.

Josh Johnson – Headed to see his old friend Dr. Freeze because his shoulder’s not 100%.  Hundred percent called and said it’s never heard of Josh Johnson’s shoulder.

Josh Beckett – 6 IP, 5 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K.  A’la Nelson Muntz, “HA HA!”

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4 with 2 home runs.  Now has three home runs in his last three games.  He won’t dazzle your retinas for long periods of time, but he does look like he’s hot.  Get on board!

Kyle Lohse – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  His K-rate is under 5… C’mon.  Seriously.  That’s ridiculous.

Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3 with a home run.  Now has two homers in the last four games and a hit in each of his last five.  It ain’t Rasmus burning on the dance floor, but it’s a start.  Geiger, let’s go!

Jose Reyes – 4-for-4 and his 29th steal, hitting .349 on the year.  Haven’t talked much about Reyes this year because every time I look at him I think about how I wished I owned him on every team and it annoys me.

Jason Bay – Him and Beltran hit grand slams in consecutive innings.  Only took three years but the Mets team is really starting to come together.  Too bad they’re about to dismantle them.

Wily Mo Pena – 1-for-1 with a pinch hit home run.  All Wily Mo does is hit homers!  No, really, that’s all he does.

J.J. Putz – Gave up a run on Monday and two runs on Tuesday to blow the save.  His ERA is up to 3.12 after starting the month at 1.57.  Putz’s blown (hehe) four games this month.  I’d grab David Hernandez where you’re desperate for saves.

Chase D’Arnaud – 0-for-4 with a steal.  He’s now started three games in a row at 3rd base for the Pirates. In the minors, he stole 33 of 40 last year and 17 of 20 this year.  He can’t do much but steal, but maybe he’ll try and prove his worth and, ya know, steal.  In deeper leagues, I could see taking the SAGNOF flyer.

Kevin Correia – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks and his 10th win.  Of course he has ten wins.  Why wouldn’t he?!  It’s Kevin Correia on the Pittsburgh Pirates!  I hate wins.

Alex Presley – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his first home run.  Will see significant time with Tabata to the DL for at least three weeks.  Yes, you should pick up Presley.  Now if only Fleer still did those novelty cards like Black & Blue with Bud Black and Vida Blue, so we could have an Elvis (Andrus) & (Alex) Presley card.  Or Fister-Moore.

Johnny Damon – Went 4-for-6 on Sunday and 2-for-4 with a home run yesterday.  Hard for me to give you much enthusiasm for him, so let’s just say he’s seeing the ball well and move on.

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He wasn’t quite vintage Hommy, but it’s good to have him back.  (Even though I don’t own him…Why again didn’t I draft him?  Dah!)

Ichiro Suzuki – Hit his first home run of the year as he bats almost fifty points below his career average.  Wow, he got old fast.  He might be 52 years old.  See, I have this theory that all Asians look young up until 51 years old, then when they turn 52, they look ancient.  It’s the Law of Pat Morita.  Morita was young looking on Happy Days and under the age of 52.  Then Morita turned 52 years old, was in The Karate Kid and looked ancient.

Gio Gonzalez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 3 Walks, 9 Ks.  The Gio Grande is obviously no place for Marlins.

Rich Harden – Will be activated on Friday (and DL’d on Saturday).  I wouldn’t bother with him.  He hasn’t pitched more than 4 2/3 IP in any game so far in his rehab, which is hilarious to me.  “Just keep him healthy long enough for me to trade him.”  That’s Brad Pitt playing the part of Billy Beane.  Making room for Harden, Graham Godfrey is moving to the bullpen to the dismay of all the pitchers out there who can’t stand his loud, piercing voice and his penchant for roasting other pitchers.  “People think Brian Fuentes is a bad guy because he bad-mouthed Bob Geren.  They are incorrect.  He’s a bad man because he KILLED A MEXICAN IN A COLORADO SLAUGHTERHOUSE.  WITH HIS OWN HANDS.  HE DIDN’T EVEN USE THE MEAT GRINDER.  YOU EXPECT THAT FROM A KRAUT LIKE MICHAEL WUERTZ.  BUT IT WAS FUENTES.  AGAINST ONE OF HIS OWN PEOPLE!”  That’s Graham Godfrey.

Sounds like Ike Davis is done for the year.  He could be facing microfracture ankle surgery.  Man, will the Mets ever catch a big break?  First, Beltran had microfracture surgery on his knee, and now Davis.  What’s with the Mets and tiny surgery?  Can’t the Mets find a normal-sized doctor?  Microsurgery is the 101 class if you’re going to be a surgeon.  Macrosurgery is the 102 class.  That’s a little known fact — literally!   For fantasy purposes, just think, now you have more room on your DL.  You’re welcome.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks.  That’s one for the Brandon Beachy Memoirs.  Now if only he’d stop looking up his cousin’s dress.

Dan Uggla – 1-for-4 with his 10th home run.  I’ll take bets that he gets to 25 home runs, but not that he gets to .230.  Anyone want some action?  I’m not talking betting action.  Come here and sit on Uncle Grey’s lap.

Jose Bautista – Hit his 22nd home run.  See, my gentle prodding of his miserable June paid off for his owners.  Now I will return to my Bautista dormancy where I am an RA.

Jo-Jo Reyes – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  He’s such a peg boy!

Shaun Marcum – Left the game after reaggravating his hip and his owners.  He says he’ll be fine for his next start.  We’ll see.  Or not.  Your choice.

Travis Wood – Sent down to Triple-A.  All they have to do is send down Votto and Bruce and their AAA club will be the better team.

Joel Hanrahan – Got his 20th save yesterday, which is a feat because he pitches for the Pirates.  It usually takes until end of August before they have 20 saves as a team.  Hanrahanananananan’s ERA/WHIP is 1.31/0.96 and he has 30 Ks in 34 IP.   Sorry, Mr. Peralta, but you’re looking at the best reliever named Joel in the majors!

Kevin Correia – Got his 9th win of the year – making him the most successful Pirate this year outside of the Somali coast.

Neftali Feliz – 2/3 IP, 4 ER and his 4th blown save.  Now has 19 Ks to 15 walks in 28 innings.  He’s not getting replaced any time soon, but something is up with him.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see another DL stint from him this summer.

Adrian Gonzalez – Hitting .359 on the year and he went 4-for-4 against his old team.  Who’s your Padre, San Diego!?

Clayton Richard – 5 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks in Fenway.  That’s exactly what Vegas projected for Richard.  Oh, wait, they projected 1 inning, 5 runs, 10 baserunners.

Albert Pujols – Love this ESPN title yesterday, “Pujols Feels Healthy Aside From Fracture.”  Yeah, and Willie McGee felt beautiful except for his face.

Jorge Posada – Hit his 7th home run– Psych!  I’m not talking about him because then I’ll gonna get inundated with catcher questions.  “No, thank you,” says Grey as he splashes on his Drakkar.

Freddy Garcia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Here’s something bonkers.  On Rudy’s AL-Only team, his staff is Hellickson, Hughes, Garcia, Coke, Britton, Fister and Baker.  Has a 3.58 ERA / 1.27 WHIP.  If you drafted that staff in the beginning of the year with high hopes, I’d say you were just high.  Goes to show you, no one knows anything, William Goldman.

Torii Hunter – Double I left yesterday’s game after crashing into the wall.  He has bruised ribs.  The wall has a strained oblique.

Ryan Vogelsong – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now has a 1.73 ERA.  Last year Colby Lewis returned from Japan with great results.  This year it’s Vogelsong.  Konichiwa, Fausto Carmona!

Ty Wigginton – On Monday morning, I said Wigginton hit a home run on Sunday and now his over/under for the week is 3.  Yesterday, he hit two home runs.  Still taking the under?

Erik Bedard – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I have no doubts of his ability if he stays healthy.  However, that ‘if’ is the size of the car that was used to take Shirley Hemphill and Fred Berry to the set.

Jonny Gomes – Hit a home run yesterday.  That’s all you need to know.  He gets about as crazy hot as Wigginton when he’s going right.  Has 9 homers now.  Might have 16 before he goes cold again.  I added him in any daily leagues where I could (can’t trust him to play every day for weekly leagues).

Chris Heisey – 3-for-5, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and 3 home runs as he became the 207th player this year to hit 3 homers in a game.  Only a slight exaggeration.  Before this game, he was one for the last week.  I really like Heisey, but in Dusty Baker’s book titled, “OBP Stands For Oh B**** Please,” his 3rd chapter is, “Why Play Three Outfielders When Five Will Do?” says all you need to know about Hesiey.  So unless Dusty goes with a short center fielder it’s hard to own Heisey outside of deep daily leagues where you can move him in and out of the lineup.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Sonavabench!

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks in Metco.  After the game, Gio said he’d love to pitch for the Mets one day or against them every day.

Jake Peavy – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  But at least he wasn’t injured.  Baby steps, Bob, baby steps.

Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Don’t need to see the Zapruder film of all of Kennedy starts to know that he’s not a 2.90 ERA pitcher.  He shouldn’t completely collapse, but c’mon.

Ted Lilly – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  One of the more disappointing guys we own.  In Dodgers Stadium, this guy should have a 3.20-ish ERA.  Then he gets 8 Ks and only walks one yesterday, which isn’t bad…Ugh, he’s pretty unstartable right now.  Lilly, you’ve gilded me for the last time!

Matt Kemp – 3-for-3 and he’s already at 20/20.  Now I see what Rihanna saw in him.  He’s damn sexy!

Jonathan Broxton – Mattingly said Broxton will be the loser when he returns.  Oops, Freudian slip!  Mattingly must be looking through the rear view mirror to see the Broxton of the 1st half of 2010.  I guess it’s true — objects in the rear view mirror are better Closers than they appear.

I read yesterday Brett Anderson might be headed for TJ surgery, which I believe is surgery done while a stray dog limps through the operating room… Wait, Googling TJ surgery.  Oh, it’s Tommy John surgery, not Tijuana surgery.  Silly me.  “No, I don’t want any chiclets, I’m having a tumor removed!”  That’s someone in Tijuana having surgery.  Something’s wrong with Anderson, Tommy John surgery or not.  He’s making a nice run to be included in the definition for Bennis Carpensheeter.  I just have to add an ‘r’ and it’s Brennis; you follow, Anderson.  I’m sure that’s his main concern.  “You know, my career was going fine until I was included in the Razzball glossary.”  That’s Brett Anderson talking to Bryant Gumbel’s head in a jar of formaldehyde on Real Sports in 40 years.  I wouldn’t drop Anderson yet, but I get the sense it’s not too far away.  Doesn’t anyone stay in one place anymore?  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jemile Weeks – A’s are calling up their 2nd base prospect.  Jemile, schlimazel… Hasenpfeffer Incorporated! Weeks has a brother in the major leagues.  $5 says you can name him.  Hint:  His first name sounds a lot like Sickie.  They’re similar players.  20/20 potential over a full season but should wear one of those old Asian lady masks while on a plane so they don’t catch anything.  I’m slightly less excited about Weeks because he’s yet to show big power or health in the minor leagues.  In AL-Only leagues, of course you take the flyer.

Scott Sizemore – Was recalled.  For right now, I’d take a wait and see approach in mixed leagues, but at MI that could change quickly.  BTW, MI Is A Name I Call My Middle Infielder was almost a Razzball t-shirt.  Alas, for now, you have the Sparky Anklebiter and It’s Tough Being Part Of A Platoon.  More to come.  Or not.  Depends on how these sell, I’m told by the little man with a top hat, cane and tuxedo.

Adam Rosales – Kirsten Drunkst’s co-star of Crazy/Beautiful hit his first home run.  He’ll probably co-own the A’s 3rd base timeshare with Sizemore.  Should help him save thousands on resort developer fees.

Dee Gordon – Was called up yesterday by the Dodgers.  Gordon’s fast.  And skinny.  He’s 150 pounds.  That’s how much my mustache weighs soaking wet.  He’s like Juan Pierre at shortstop.  Holy effin’ effholes, that’s a beautiful thing.  Imagine 60 steals at shortstop.  That’s like an 80′s sitcom dream where the wavy lines come in and Edna Garrett is making you a pot roast in a nightie.  That’s like Alcides Escobar and Everth Cabrera wrapped up in a burrito of “These are terrible examples, but I’m trying to make a point by lowering expectations.”  Gordon has decent enough on base skills to make the speed work, but he’s raw and only 23 years old.  Nobody likes you when you’re 23!  I’d take a flyer in every league where you need speed, just remember he could steal 35 bases from now until October or he could struggle and be replaced by Furcal in a few weeks.  It’s rookie nookie and it could give you a nice adrenaline rush or make you itchy.

Ted Lilly – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Phillies wasn’t a start I wanted to gamble on.  Sonavabench!

Marcus Thames – 0-for-4.  Back in the lineup and batting third… The .247 career hitting Marcus Thames.  Three ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 Los Angeles Dodgers!

Hanley Ramirez – Finally lands on the DL for the first time in his career.  Check it off the bucket list.

Javier Vazquez – 4 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After benching or dropping him before his previous solid starts, I figured the only way to get him to throw a terrible game was to stick him in my lineup.  Worked like a charm.  Slanted mouth emoticon.

Jake Peavy – To the DL with a strained right groin.  “Hold on, honey, I’m just straining the fusilli… Wait, is this Jake Peavy’s right groin?”  Talk about an awkward moment.

Alex Rios – He’s out for a mental break, which in the medical community is called “being out to lunch,” but I’m not a doctor, though I did fall asleep watching a Scrubs rerun last night.  For those with questions on Rios, the girl who’s dating me for my fantasy baseball ‘pertise/mustache, dropped him yesterday.  If she can do it, I bet you guys can too.

John Danks – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks and he tied Wilson Valdez with one win.

Matt Garza – 4 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Welcome back!…And bleh.  It’s usually wise to sit a guy coming off the DL until he shows he’s healthy unless he has a good matchup.  Against the Reds wasn’t a good matchup and his next start isn’t much better.

Dexter Fowler – I’ve said this a few times on this web log, but how do teams get away with DL’ing whomever they want?  A few days ago the Rockies were talking about demoting Fowler, now he’s suddenly DL’d.  Don’t have to wear a monocle to find that suspicious.

Charles Blackmon – He’s effectively replacing Fowler.  His AAA stats look great .346/10 HRs/12 SBs but he plays in Colorado Springs which is like Coors sans humidor.  (BTW, doesn’t this guy have a perfect Caribbean name?  U. of Colorado isn’t too far away – could we call him the Buffalo Soldier?)  He hasn’t shown great power or speed in the minors so he may turn out to be somewhere between Spilborghs and Seth Smith.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see him platoon with Spilborghs since he’s a lefty.  Worth a shot in daily leagues, but wouldn’t take a silver bullet for him.

Chris Nelson – 2-for-4 and he’s now started four days in a row.  The Rockies really suffer from too much upside.  All of their guys are intriguing if they’d just play every day.

Brian Matusz – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks and the win.  This start was against an A’s lineup that is ranked 25th or lower in all major hitting categories.  They only have 33 home runs as a team.  That would be bad in the dead ball era.  The Ghost of “Home Run” Baker, “Shut your non-wooden teeth mouth, you rapscallion!”

Anthony Rizzo – Padres are expected to call him up any day now, Annie Potts.  You wait with bated breath.  Or baited if you’re into misspellings.

Frank Francisco – 2/3 IP, 1 ER.  He took the loss and blamed his inability to get major league hitters out.  Wait, no, that was me that blamed that.

Felipe Paulino – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He could throw a gem next time out or he could give up 7 earned in 3 innings.  The mouth on the left side of the screen says “Risk” and the mouth on the right side says “Upside.”

Joakim Soria – Was renamed the closer as the manager said, “Who are we kidding?  We got Alex Gordon leading off, a guy with C cups as our DH… Nothing on our team makes sense except our closer.  Soria’s back in!”

Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-4, 2 RBI, 2 runs and his 12th home run.  He prefers if you call him The Drubal.  If you see him in public, lower your eyes.  You don’t meet eyes with The Drubal.

Josh Tomlin – 6 IP, 6 ER.  This was a solid start.  Correction.  No, it wasn’t.

Brennan Boesch – 5-for-6, 5 RBIs and 2 home runs.  Now has 3 home runs in the last three games.  Well, he looked good in April for a second, then he looked terrible in May.  So it seems like you have another 23 days to own him.

Nelson Cruz – I’d mentioned he hit two home runs yesterday but I’m afraid I’m going to jinx him and he’s going to get hurt.  Moving along…

Matt Tolbert – 7 for his last 15, and that’s The Tolbert Report.

Jimmy Rollins – Battling a sore knee.  Going for an MRI.  They should just put an MRI machine behind 2nd base in Philadelphia and Utley/Rollins will decide before each hitter who’ll get x-rayed.  “Reyes is stealing.   Throw to 2nd.  Utley applies the tag….Reyes is out!  And so is Utley for 15 days!”

Brad Lidge – Because of elbow soreness, he’s flying to Philly for exams.  Seems like if someone has elbow soreness the last thing they should be doing is flapping their arms.