Fantasy Baseball Advice

The Braves should totally give Derrek Lee the number 01 and paint him orange.  Too bad Waylon Jennings isn’t around anymore to announce him when he comes up to bat.  Lee-haw!  The Cubs received back Tyrelle Harris, who I believe is a male model, Robinson Lopez, who dispenses candy from his neck, and Jeffrey Lorick, who owns the Marlins.  Derrek Lee has hit 4 homers in his last four games and his numbers should only continue to trend upwards as we head into the home stretch.  I could see him getting to 24 homers on the year; he’s at 16.  Do the math!  The real LUZR in this is Troy Glaus, who the Braves put on the DL with a severe case of We-Don’t-Want-To-Play-You-Anymore-itis.  It’s curable, but you usually need a new team.  Kelly Johnson had a similar malady when he played for the Braves.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Xavier Nady – 1-for-3 as he played 1st base yesterday, but Micah Hoffpauir was recalled.  Hip-hip-Hoffpauir!  Not really.  I wouldn’t pick him up in any league until I saw him start hitting.

Clayton Richard – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks as he gave the Cubs a little “How’s your father?”  If only I owned only Padres pitchers on all of my teams.  I love you, Hodgepadres.  Please friend me on Facebook!

B.J. Upton – 2-for-4 with 2 steals and a homer.  As frequent commenter, Brad, pointed out when he quoted my top 20 outfielder rankings, “B.J. Upton’s definitely shown he can’t be relied on for 20 homers, but you can count on him for 40 steals and 10 homers.”  And that’s me quoting Brad quoting me!  Right now, B.J.’s at 66/11/43/.240/35, and has been more valuable than broseph, Justin.

Evan Longoria – 3-for-4 with two doubles and a homer.  A la your 4th grade teacher, “Nice of you to join us, Mr. Longoria.”

Juan Pierre – 4-for-5, 2 steals.  When you put ‘Juan Pierre’ into Google, it says ‘Did you mean SAGNOF?’

Gavin Floyd – In his last 12 innings, he’s given up 13 runs.  Not good, but both were against the Twins and he gets the O’s next.  I’d give him one more shot in most leagues.

David Wright – Left yesterday’s game feeling queasy.  Or QUEASY! if you’re George Jefferson.

J.P. Arencibia – The Jays optioned him back to the minors.  John Buck is such a prospblock.

Taylor Teagarden – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer in his last 8 games.  Those 8 games, unfortunately, date back 3 weeks.  The other day I grabbed Teagarden in a 2 catcher league, but he needs more consistent playing time for most leagues.

Matt Tuiasosopo – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in two games.  For deity sakes, this guy needs a nickname if he’s going to keep hitting.  I wouldn’t touch him yet in mixed leagues, but in AL-Only leagues I’d grab him.

Joe Blanton – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Solid start from the inconsistent Blanton, which is thankfully different than incontinent.  He gets the Astros in his next start, that’s a decent gamble.

Jimmy Rollins – 3-for-5, with a homer and two steals.  Wait, I know this impersonation… Um… 2007 Rollins, right?  Nice!

Matt Cain – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, but 5 unearned runs for the momentarily gut-wrenching ticker shock.

Aroldis Chapman – Reds committed to calling up Chapman on September 1st.  Makes sense, but doesn’t add much to his value since he’ll be out of the bullpen.  Definitely grab him in keepers though.

Joe Mauer – 4-for-5 and his 8th homer.  Still hasn’t hit more than 3 homers in any month, but is hitting .472 in August.

Curtis Granderson – He was days away from appearing in Friday’s Sell as a guy to drop, but now he’s hit his 3rd homer in five games.  Maybe this time he can keep his hot streak going longer than a week.

Matt Kemp – I pimped out my merkin for this guy and then Torre benches him again?  Okay, this is gotta stop, or Kemp needs to be playing in 7 PM EST games so I don’t have guys on my bench that are actually playing.

Alberto Callaspo – Had the slam & legs while hitting third yesterday and is batting over .400 in the last week.  He doesn’t give much except hits, but there ya go.

Jay Bruce – 4-for-5 with his 12th homer.  He’s now officially as valuable this year as Corey Patterson.  As I’ve said before about Pablo Sandoval and my female neighbor, “What a bust!”

Edinson Volquez – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Way too inconsistent at this point to be relied on anywhere.

Mike Napoli – Hit his 20th homer.  Now bench him, you Sciosciapath.

Michael Wuertz – 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  That huertz.  Bailey’s set to begin a rehab assignment on Friday and should be back soon thereafter, barring any setbacks.

Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-3 with 2 homers.  Sticking with the variations on the name Michael theme, is Miggy drafted number three next year?  Two?  One?  Talk amongst yourselves.

Ryan Doumit – 1-for-4 with a homer.  First homer in over a month, but could be the start of something going forward.

Brad Hawpe – As Hawpe leaves the Rockies’ clubhouse for the last time, Bob Apodaca will be playing the world’s smallest harp, which is still 2 feet tall, but that’s small for a harp.  When Hawpe reaches the parking lot, he’ll turn back and hear noisemakers.  As the last line of my top 80 outfielder rankings says, “Get rid of Hawpe!”  I’ve been asking for the Rockies to release Hawpe for almost two years now.  Finally, we get our sweet, sweet outfield of upside.

Carlos Gonzalez – Was so excited about the Hawpe news, he ran into a wall.  The Rockies remind me of the Rangers.  Wonderful upside, difficulty staying healthy.  Hopefully he’s CarGone only a day or two.

Coco Crisp – 3-for-3 with the slam & legs.  Coco’s been loco.  Seriously, grab him in your leagues before someone else does.  This blurb was paid for by the committee to get Coco Crisp on your team.

Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-3 with his 2nd steal as he bets near .400 in his first 13 games in the majors.  If you need cheap speed in a deep league, look no further.

Randy Wolf – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  After the game, Wolf announced he was Team Jacob.  So predictable.

Trevor Hoffman – Got a save.  Brewers announced on their next homestand all fans would be able to enjoy “Free Whatever Crap We Have Lying Around That Commemorates Hoffman Getting 600 Saves” night.  They’re following the Angels’ lead from a few years back when they had a huge success with “Tim Salmon’s Going To Play One More Stupid Game So Come To The Ballpark” night.

Inspired by Seattle’s Doug Fister-Adam Moore battery, we’ve compiled a list of pitcher-batter combinations that, at their worst, make us wincingly smile like a corny Jay Leno weddings segment and, at their best, make us laugh like Jay Leno’s audience does at the aforementioned segment.

If you’ve got a got a good one, post it to the comments and we’ll consider adding it to the post (giving you credit).  Here are the rules:

1. Has to be one pitcher and one catcher.  No “If Scott Rolen was a catcher, him and Steve Stone would rock!”
2. Has to include both last names.  Incorporating the first name is optional.
3. A last name can be used only once.  Best one wins.  So if you want to use one with ‘Moore’, you’ll have to find a better one than Fister (which is already at 11).
4. Either the pitcher or catcher would be known by someone who has followed baseball since 1980.  (no submissions with two players from the deadball era.)  Unless it’s really funny…

Current Players

Fister/Moore (Doug Fister + Adam Moore) = The preferred Mariners battery of the Seattle Storm.

Coffey/Teagarden (Todd Coffey + Taylor Teagarden) = Very hospitable to hitters.

Marmol/Laird (Carlos Marmol + Gerald Laird) =  Preserves leads.

Morton/Saltamacchia (Charlie Morton + Jarrod Saltamacchia) = Taste like their fantasy owners’ tears.

Lyon/Treanor (Brandon Lyon + Matt Treanor) = Can handle dangerous situations.

Rzepczynski/Pierzynski (Mark Rzepczynski + A.J. Pierzynski) = Guaranteed will win you the game….of Scrabble (submitted by commenter El Famous Burrito)

Buck/Hunter (John Buck + Tommy Hunter) = Dangerous tandem that will take your head off and mount it when they’re finished (submitted by commented Matt Belanger)

Flores/De La Rosa (Jorge De La Rosa + Jesus Flores) = Seduce umpires to expand their strike zone  (submitted by commenter peter)

Soto/Moyer (Geovanny Soto + Jamie Moyer) = Old but still reigning supreme.  (submitted by commenter swpayton)

Capps/Zaun (Matt Capps + Gregg Zaun) = THIS DUO MAKES HEADLINES! (submitted by commenter DrEasy)

Parker/Posey (Jarrod Parker + Buster Posey) = Well-respected for their pitch selections but prefer to play on smaller, edgier teams vs. big, mainstream teams (submitted by commenter peter).

Current and Historical Players

Manwaring/Colon (Bartolo Colon + Kurt Manwaring) – Smooth operators.

Mlicki/Foote (Dave Mlicki + Barry Foote) – Only Asian batters and A-Rod feel comfortable against this duo.

Daulton/Wade (Cory Wade + Darren Daulton) = The battery to call when your current battery needs to be bounced.  How you like that, Brad Wesley?!

Barbee/Kendall (Dave Barbee + Jason Kendall) = Just toys with hitters.

Berra/Wang (Yogi Berra + Chien-Mien Wang) = Look great but expensive.

Ellis/Eiland (Dave Eiland + A.J. Ellis) = Most accommodating tandem to international hitters.

Maddux/Porter (Greg Maddux + Darrell Porter) = Skilled at making batters want to leave the country.

Ausmus/Mel Wright (Mel Wright/Brad Ausmus) – A tandem that would stink and be comfortable with it.

Watson/McCann (Allen Watson/Brian McCann) – By the time you realize they’re  in the game, it’s already too late.

May/Flowers (Rudy May/Tyler Flowers) – Much like Teixeira, looks ugly in April.  Fine after that.

Wynegar/Duchscherer (Justin Duchscherer + Butch Wynegar) = Perform best when fresh.

Dean/Martin (Dizzy Dean + Russ Martin)  = Perform best when drunk.

Street/Walker (Huston Street + baseball pioneer Moses Fleetwood Walker) = Tandem for hire.

Raschi/Johnson (Vic Raschi + Charles Johnson) = Hung out with Street/Walker too much.

Yeager/Baumann (Frank Baumann + Steve Yeager) = Popular among college kids.

Rivera/Coke (Phil Coke + Mike Rivera) = Popular among late ’70s/early ’80s MLB players, the 1986 Mets and Ron Washington (submitted by commenter Awesomus Maximus)

Russell/Dalrymple (Jeff Russell + Clay Dalrymple) = This battery is about nothing.  Get a good look, Costanza?

Lloyd/Christmas (Graeme Lloyd + Steve Christmas) = Chance of these two coming together?  About a million-to-one.  So I’m telling you there’s a chance…

Nomo/McCarver (Hideo Nomo + Tim McCarver) = The battery I wish Fox would honor.

Bill Lee/Grote (Bill Lee + Jerry Grote) = The battery that cursed the Cubs.

Ferrell/Wolf (Rick Ferrell + Randy Wolf) = Dangerously wild

Savage/Lyons (Jack Savage & Barry Lyons) = Dangerously wilder.  (submitted by commenter Jif & The Choosy Mothers).

LaRue/O’Day (Darren O’Day+ Jason LaRue) = Managers regret putting this duo in.  (submitted by commenter peter)

Gross/Torre (Kevin Gross + Joe Torre) – So instead of applying a foreign substance by using his cap or leg, he would reach down into his _________ for it.

Peavy/Herrmann (Jake Peavy + Ed Herrmann) = Quite the adventure.

Palmer/Gooch (Jim Palmer + Johnny Gooch) = Likes to pick people off at 1st base.

Fingers/Surhoff (Rollie Fingers + BJ Surhoff) = Relieves Palmer/Gooch but removed for Fister/Moore on special occasions.

Leyritz/Carlton (Steve Carlton + Jim Leyritz) = The top-of-the-line battery that Minaya paid for in the Bartolo Colon trade debacle.

Good/Servais (Andy Good + Scott Servais) = They’d clean home plate before each batter and leave a mint on top of it (submitted by commenter swpayton)

Forsch/Shaw (Bob Forsch + Al Shaw) = Very trustworthy.

Pagnozzi/Hunter (Tom Pagnozzi + Catfish Hunter) = These two were inglorious basterds.

Wilcox/Estrada (Milt Wilcox + Johnny Estrada)  = Best when the CHIPs are down.

Mossi/Valle (Don Mossi + Dave Valle) = Sounds like the results would be pretty until you see them up close.

Leonard/Skinner (Dennis Leonard + Joel Skinner) =  Would play for free if signed by the Cardinals, Orioles, Blue Jays, or any team located in Alabama.

Holland/Oates (Al Holland + Johnny Oates) = Watch out other team, they’ll chew you up (submitted by commenter Ana-Jaime)

Gomez/Adams (Mike Adams + Randy Gomez) = Scary duo to face.  (submitted by commenter Ana-Jaime)

Richard/Simmons (J.R. Richard + Ted Simmons) = Even scarier duo to face.

Scott/Towles (Mike Scott + Justin Towles) = This multi-generational Astro battery helps if the game gets messy.

Black/Decker (Bud Black + Steve Decker) = When Scott/Towles isn’t enough.  (submitted by commenter Jay)

Fabregas/Face (Roy Face + Jorge Fabregas) – Painful to watch.

 

Heath/Barr (Jim Barr + Mike Heath) = No one’s first selection but better than nothing.

Odom/Alomar (Blue Moon Odom + Sandy Alomar) = They throw junk that Balbonis wax poetically about.

French/Fry (Luke French + Jerry Fry) = Another unsuccessful duo against Balbonis (submitted by commenter Beer Bum).

Lake/Trout (Steve Lake + Steve Trout) = Popular tandem in Baltimore (submitted by commenter royce!)

Eaton/Napoli (Adam Eaton + Mike Napoli) = When this duo comes in, fughettaboutit (submitted by commenter Awesomus Maximus).

Cox/Porter (Danny Cox + Darrell Porter) =Not afraid to throw the high, hard one.  Pedro Martinez, Juan Marichal, and Jim Palmer are three notable examples.

Gooden/Snyder (Dwight Gooden + Chris Snyder) = It’s coming right down the middle.  (submitted by commenter AZ Bobblehead)

Harden/Long (Rich Harden + Jimmie Long) = Just the type of battery that Pat ‘The Bat’ Burrell would like (submitted by commenter Smell the Glove)

Lilly/White (Ted Lilly + Sammy White) = A battery that Tom Yawkey would’ve loved.

Small/Dickey (Aaron Small + Bill Dickey) = Underwhelming performance.

Gott/Doumit (Jim Gott + Ryan Doumit) = The embodiment of two decades of Pirate performance. (submitted by commenter bostonaccent)

Murphy/Law (Vern Law + Dale Murphy) = Expect anything from balks to catcher interference to grand slams.  (submitted by commenter AZ Bobblehead)

Nova/Scoscia (Ivan Nova + Mike Scoscia) = Best tandem to bring in against Tim Salmon.

Buck/Rogers (Kenny Rogers + John Buck) = Pretty good given that baseball didn’t even exist 500 years ago.  (submitted by commenter peter)

Hancock/Cummings (Sterling Hancock + Jack Cummings) = Best when not brought in to finish a game prematurely.  (submitted by commenter and1mcgee)

Tingley/Pole (Dick Pole + Ron Tingley) = Often precede Hancock/Cummings (submitted by commenter royce!)

Howry/Dooin (Bob Howry + Red Dooin) = Okay if a bit needy  (submitted by commenter Bring Back Pluto).

Bando/Wagner (Billy Wagner + Chris Bando) = Good for a playoff stretch run but untrustworthy during the tough times (submitted by commenter Terrence Mann)

Lemon/Partee (Bob Lemon + Roy Partee) = Brian Sabean’s favorite duo.  Be glad I didn’t link to the real site.  (submitted by Terrence Mann).

The Rangers bullpen costing C.J. Wilson the win is like ten thousand spoons and all you need is a knife.  Maybe Frank-Frank didn’t like Wilson cutting into his save chances last year.  I was skeptical of Wilson moving into the rotation.  I said to myself, “Grey, you’re handsome.”  Wait, wrong conversation.  I remember it now.  “Grey, why not start Neftali Feliz?  Why they fussing with C.J. Wilson?”  I didn’t have an answer and wasn’t sure why I was using the word “fussing.”  It’s like when you get mail order bride emails.  Wouldn’t they be email order brides?  Some questions have no answers.  But I’m ready to hush that fuss.  C.J. Wilson has always rocked an impressive K-rate as a reliever and, if he can maintain that and his walks, he could be a huge surprise in the rotation.  Am I a fan of Arlington for pitchers in the summer?  Nope, but let’s get there first, shall we?  Wilson could give you a K/IP and a solid just under-4 ERA.  I’m buying!  Oh, and welcome to all the Googlers of “I’m buying” + “mail order bride.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Taylor Teagarden – 0-for-4, but enough about the negatives.  Saltymochachino is out for at least 15 days with back stiffness and it’s not like Salty was doing anything anyway.  Ron Washington said Salty was only the starting catcher because “his name goes to eleven.”

Frank Francisco – 2/3 IP, 3 ER as he blew the save.  As a commenter said yesterday, Frank-Frank fail-fail.

Julio Borbon – 0-for-the-season.  Will be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Your breath is bated.

Ian Kinsler – Was given another cortisone shot in his ankle.  Now his ankle really won’t have any wrinkles!  Wait, what?  Yeah, I’m not a doctor, but this will delay Kinsler return a few more days.  I’m guessing it’ll be at least two more weeks.

Aaron Hill – Sat out due to hamstring tightness.  He only missed 4 games last year.  His numbers last year had a lot to do with him accumulating many² at-bats.  It’s a situation that bears watching, Timothy Treadwell.

Travis Snider – 0-for-4, 3 Ks.  With the way he’s going, he’ll be in the minors within two weeks.

Ronnie Belliard – 3-for-5 with a Double, Triple and Homer as he hit for The Hungry Man Cycle.

Chad Billingsley – 5 1/3 IP, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  If I wanted to emphasize the baserunners, I would’ve listed them last.  Instead, I chose to put the strikeouts last.  I’m a big fan of Bills.  A Billiever, if you will.  However, this was an ugly start.

Paul Maholm – 6 IP, 4 ER.  For those who think they’re outsmarting everyone by finding value on the Pirates staff, this start was against the Dodgers B lineup.

Hayden Penn – Why is the girl from Heroes pitching for the Pirates?

Orlando Hudson – Left the game with what appeared to be a neck injury.  Could mean Nick Punto at 2nd on Friday.  Shandler must be happy.

Jim Thome – 2-for-4, HR yesterday.  Started at DH for the 2nd straight game.  Yeah, that’s not good for Delmon Young’s playing time.

Kevin Slowey – My almost preseason Cy Young pick threw five and a third and allowed only one run.  Have much love for Slowey this year.

Carlos Beltran – Set to begin a running program.  A source told ESPN, “He’s a professional.  His body will dictate what to do.  He’s progressing great.”  Here’s what I hear, “Trite statement.  Statement that can be misconstrued to mean more than it does.  Lie.”  Then Beltran said, “Right now I don’t want to talk about when I’m going to come back if I haven’t run yet.  When I run, then that can give me an idea of where I am. Right now it’s hard for me to say.”  Here’s what I hear, “I’m not lying for the Mets.  They can suck it.”

Luis Castillo – Will sit Friday with a calf injury.  Whatever, Reyes returns Saturday!

Jeff Niemann – Was hit by a line drive in the arm, not the knee, man.  Should make his next start as he’s listed as Day-to-Day.  Where is this master Day-to-Day list?  Is there some guy in Barbados sipping coladas keeping this list?  I’d like to know.

Jon Niese – 6 IP, 3 ER, 3 Ks as he battled Nate Robertson (5 IP, 1 ER, 4 Ks).  Reminded me of the epic battles between Nies and Heather B.

Randy Wells – 6 IP, 8 baserunners, 1 K as sabermetricians shake their fist at his BABIP.

Marlon Byrd – Another homer yesterday.  All he does is hit homers!  No, really, his only two hits this year are homers.

Tyler Colvin – HR yesterday.  He’s an older rookie prospect who never played Triple-A.  He’s pretty deep on the depth charts and profiles as a 4th outfielder.  Has some pop in his bat, but no starting job unless The Mummy asks for his knees back from Soriano.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper left with a boo-boo.  Boo boo, indeed.  He’ll be out for 2-3 days with a strained oblique.  Chipper definitely keeps strained obliques in business.

Don Kelly – Started at 3B for Detroit today.  For some reason, he makes me think of Adam Dunn, Mark Reynolds, and Ian Stewart.  Then again, sometimes I have a hard time seeing L’s.

Miguel Cabrera – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and a homer.  Another sober day in the office for Miggy, but what’s interesting is how he’s tried to steal twice already.  If he can somehow swipe 10 bags (it’s a stretch), he could be the most valuable fantasy hitter this year.

Billy Butler -1-for-2 with his third Warning Track Fly of the year.  Could lead the league in WTF’s.

Daric Barton – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs.  For what it’s Wuertz, Barton reminds me of Gaby Sanchez.  It’s neither a compliment nor an insult.

Nolan Reimold – HR yesterday.  Take that, Achilles!  Pee-ay is out with an injury and Reimold’s making the most of his time.  If the Orioles come to their senses, Reimold really should be the starter.  If he is, all bets are off.  Or maybe that’s on.  Either way, he should be owned.

Brian Matusz – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 BBs.  This kinda blew my mind.  When I was doing the Buy/Sell that’s coming later today, I was looking at the percentage owned at the major sites.  Matusz is owned in 98% of ESPN leagues.  I think Matusz is talented, so don’t take this wrong way, but he will roofie you.  98% seems way too confident and tells me people could be overrating him for this year.  But the mind blowing part is coming in the next blurb, follow me…

Justin Masterson – 5 IP, 6 baserunners, 1 ER, 5 Ks.  Here’s what I said in my rankings, “He induces groundballs and gets strikeouts, that’s not a combo that should be scoffed at.  Even if the only people that scoff at something are in Merchant-Ivory films.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Oh, and Masterson’s owned in 2% of ESPN leagues.  That’s two.  Wha…?

Kerry Wood – Will throw from 110 feet on Friday.  So he’s now pitching from 2nd base?  Oh-kay.  Still not returning until the end of May.

Brad Penny – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 Ks.  Put a straitjacket on a pitcher and throw him in a milk can and Dave Duncan will get him out.  Don’t try and figure it out, just know that Penny can now be a reliable 4th fantasy starter.

Bronson Arroyo – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks.  Maybe he won’t wait until the 2nd half this year to be good, but I’m not risking it.  Also, Arroyo was hit by a comebacker and might miss his next start.  Too bad, so sad.

Mike Sweeney – 1-for-4, 1 RBI.  Dave Eggers’ favorite hitter got his first start as Seattle’s DH.  He’s only DH-eligible in most leagues now and probably won’t have 1B-eligibility until end of May at the earliest.  So unless you’re in a 14-team AL-only league, he’s not going to give you any value.

Doug Fister – 4 IP, 2 ER.  Has there ever been a pitcher/catcher combo that warranted the ‘battery’ name more than today’s Mariner tandem of Fister-Moore?

Ichiro Suzuki/Franklin Gutierrez/Milton Bradley – It’s like having two Gold Glove outfielders and one Golden Glove outfielder.

David Wright was released from the hospital yesterday after tests showed that he was okay from Saturday’s beaning.  When he first went down, the Mets had some serious concerns when Wright couldn’t answer straightforward questions like, “Who’s our starting shortstop?” “Who plays 1st?”  “Who’s the shirtless guy hiding in Jerry Manual’s locker?”  Wright might be out for the season.  Probably be the best thing that could happen to his fantasy owners.  The wait for his power to return can finally end.  Though I wouldn’t drop him in one year leagues until it’s official he’s not returning, unless room on your DL is spare.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Nick Johnson – Left with a hamstring injury.  He seemed to be in good spirits after the game, smiling in locker room pictures.

Nate McLouth – McLousy’s out for a few days after aggravating his hamstring injury and his fantasy owners.

Luke Scott – HR yesterday.  He credits the homer to finally feeling better from the flu.  I guess he had the dreaded 1,700 Hour Flu.

Nick Markakis – Sparkakis!  He now has 14 homers on the year.  He needs ten more to get in my good graces.  Chucking in seven steals along the way wouldn’t hurt either.  Yes, it’s a pipe dream, but it’s my pipe dream.

Erick Aybar – 3-for-6, 2 Runs, 3 RBIs and 2 steals.  Since the All-Star Break, there’s been few MI schmohawks to fill a line like EA – get in the game!

Mike Napoli – The Angels scored 17 runs, Napoli went 1-for-6 with 1 RBI.  Ticker Tease!

Torii Hunter – Returned to the lineup and went 2-for-6 with 2 RBIs, while batting sixth.  Might take him a few days to a week before he’s moved back up the order.  Then again, we’re talking about Scioscia.

Chone Figgins – 4-for-7, 3 Runs, 3 RBIs and a steal.  Who is this Angels offense?  The 1985 Cardinals?

Carlos Gonzalez – 2 HRs yesterday.  How about you give me your password and I’ll pick him up?

Chris Coghlan – 5-for-10 in the doubleheader with a HR yesterday.  Yesterday was a good day for Friday’s Buy guys.

Aaron Cook – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER. About a week ago, turf toe sidelined him.  This start makes me think he’s not completely over it.  I wouldn’t start him anywhere until we see a decent game.  Then again, most of you probably don’t start him anywhere anyway.

Roy Oswalt – 6 IP, 5 ER.  Speaking of pitchers who just don’t seem right.

Hunter Pence – Homers now in back-to-back games.  Love to see him explode in the final month-plus like a Spinal Tap drummer.

Julio Borbon – 4 steals on Saturday, 2-for-3 on Sunday.  He’ll be leading off for the next week vs. righties until Cruz returns.  If you need steals, grab him now.  There’s no time for this Borbon to age.  Oofa!

Junichi Tazawa – 5 IP, 4 ER.  I told you my trepidation on Tazawa in Friday’s Buy/Sell.  And that’s me alluding to me!

Grady Sizemore – HR and steal yesterday as he went 2-for-4.  Since the All-Star Break, he has 4 homers and two steals.  I really wish the Indians would just shut him down so I have no reservations about drafting him next year.  (1 Pun Point for Grey.)

Taylor Teagarden/Kelly Shoppach – HR for each yesterday as The Catchers That Had Everyone Caca-Cuckoo In 2008 rise again.

Colby Rasmus – HR yesterday.  In his short time in the majors, Colby has shown himself to be hella streaky.  (Hella’s for the 18-35 males.)  Right now, Colby is hella hot.  If you need OF help, get’m while they’re hot.

Ryan Howard – 2 HRs yesterday.  For one of my teams, I hope he goes on one of his 10 homer month tears.  For a different team where I don’t own him, I hope he tanks.  Only Natalie Imbruglia knows how I feel.

Brad Lidge – When a manager brings a closer in for a one out save, it’s called kid gloves.

Rafael Soriano – Figured out a way to explain his recent gopher ball troubles, he says he’s dealing with shoulder problems.   I still maintain he’s going to lose save opps in the near future.

Clayton Richard – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, but 12 baserunners as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post.  But he’s a HodgePadre and shouldn’t have been started in this game anyway.  But II, The Return of But:  He threw so many walks and he gets the same team next time at Petco (Cards) that I probably won’t start him there in most leagues.

Joba Chamberlain – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners vs. the Mariners.  Potatoes to chips, I like the way the Yankees are babying him this year (skipping him and whatnot), but I like it for next year.  For this year, it’s not helping his value when he’s skipped then throws a bucket of fake puke over the movie theater balcony.

Rajai Davis – Stole his third base in four games yesterday.  How is he owned in only 17.5% of ESPN leagues?  I know 75% of ESPN leagues are abandoned, but still.  He should be owned everywhere.

Adrian Gonzalez – 4-for-5, HR yesterday.  I wonder if Adrian calls up other teams pretending to be Kevin Towers and tries to trade himself.

Randy Wolf – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 Ks.  And he hit a homer or as frequent commenter, Steve, said, “Wolfman jack!”

Josh Willingham – HR yesterday, 3 RBIs and offered all of his green M&M’s to sweeten the Nats deal for Strasburg.

Geoff Blum – Hit his ninth homer yesterday.  Here’s something to blow your mind.  Geoff Blum’s power > Vladimir Guerrero’s power.  Want more?  Geoff Blum’s power > David Wright’s power.

Much like a newly married female, the Blue Jays have dropped BJ from the active roster.  Imagine this scenario.  You walk into your fro-yo distribution job, say what’s up to your TCBY manager who’s twelve years younger than you, open up the jimmies container and proceed to flip them, one at a time, at your manager’s head.  Timothy asks you politely to stop.  You politely give him a wedgie.  Naturally, he fires you.  Then you collect your salary for the next year.  Man, the life of a terrible baseball player may be better than the life of a marginal one who has to play every day.  B.J. Ryan was released yesterday.  Now he has more time to count his money.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Wandy Rodriguez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 11 Ks.  In fairness to those who don’t own him, this was an easy matchup.  For those that do own him, yee-haw!

Rafael Soriano – Now has more saves than Mike Gonzalez and more vowels than Rzepczynski.

Kevin Hart – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 walks.  Belch.

Kenshin Kawakami - 6 IP, 1 ER.  His last start he went 4 1/3 IP and 4 earned vs. the Nats.  I can’t imagine a scenario where Kawakami is not a risky start.  Whether the matchups are favorable or not.

Troy Tulowitzki – 3-for-4, with his 14th homer yesterday.  He trails only Ben Zobrist in most homers by a shortstop.  He also trails Zobrist in awesomeness, but ya’ll knew that.

Manny Parra – Returning to start Thursday vs. the Cards.  He’ll need three decent starts before I even consider him.  Burn me once, shame on you.  Burn me twice, stop freakin’ burning me, pyro!

Chad Gaudin – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks, 7 baserunners.  Over IM, Rudy said this, “(Gaudin) is so hit or miss.”  I said, “Yup.”  Rudy then said, “But don’t put that in the roundup.”  I said, “No problem.”

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks.  I watched most of this game to see one thing, how does Scherzer throw so many pitches and not get out of the 7th inning? (That’s a complete lie.  I watch every Diamondback game I can because of Mini Donkey.) Seems like Scherzer just gets himself into lots of deep counts.  Kershaw and him really are the same pitcher.

Felipe Lopez – Hit his fifth homer yesterday.  Man, he got cold as dog balls for a long time.  Hitting one homer for all of May and June combined.  At least steal some bases.  You’re making me look bad!  Hopefully, he can get hot for a few weeks and get into double digits for homers and steals.

Chris Volstad – Threw a five-hit shutout as he K’d 6.  Guess who he was facing.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait.  *taps finger*  The Giants!   C’mon, that was a gimme.

Dan Uggla – Hit his 16th homer yesterday, batting .223.  Yeah, that’s not great.  Need to raise that to .250 or hit about 5 more homers for that not to matter.

Oliver Perez – 5 IP, 2 ER.  Wow, he had a solid game? 7 walks.  Oh.

Joe Mauer – HR yesterday.  He’s had four HRs since his insane 11 homer May.  Maybe he had a BJ Upton playoff cortisone shot in May when he hit those 11 HRs.  Not sure, but since then he’s returned to his high average, below average power ways.

David Aardsma – 3 ER, 5 baserunners, no outs.  Aardsma’s showing why you can’t spell his last name without a Double A.

Roy Halladay – May approve a trade. Big news was the Yankees wouldn’t go after him.  What about the Pirates?  Will the Pirates go after him?  Why isn’t that news?

Zach Greinke – 6 IP, 3 ER.  Since June his ERA’s over 4 and his WHIP is above 1.30.  Correia has been better.  Snap!

Shane Victorino – 2-for-4, 2 steals.  Just the other day I was asking for him to steal more.  You’re welcome.

Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 Ks. Since his recall, 3.44/1.20 with 13 Ks.  Money?  Not really, but we are in a recession.  It’s decent.

Scott Kazmir – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Doode is killing me.  I mean, I have Gaudin and Wandy throw solid games then this guy comes along and throws this shizz.  I’m close to punting him.  Sometimes it’s just better to let someone else pick up the poison pill.

Ben Zobrist – HR yesterday and 4 RBIs… The Zo!

Scott Downs – Returned and gave up the game-winning single, but the earned run was charged to Frasor.  Yeah, way to make the other guy look bad.  I know that trick.  Have I mentioned Rudy wanted to draft Kazmir?  Rudy, “Yeah, Fred Lewis has been terrific.”

J.D. Drew – HR yesterday while leading off as Ellsbury hit 6th.  What’s this, an OBP move?  This is ridiculous.  Can someone text Francona that he needs to switch these two?

Hiroki Kuroda – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER vs. the Mets in Metco.  This is one of the problems with Kuroda.  Last year, he led the league in FLAKE, which is basically the deviation from start to start a pitcher has.  It’s a real term.  Well, I mean, as real as a term can be that is made up by a baseball geek in his Mom’s basement.  Leave my socks there, it’s just dried glue!

Jose Contreras - 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks. Since he came back from the minors, he’s pitching like he’s actually 37-years-old as his ESPN player card says.  37… Ha!

Ervin Santana – 4 IP, 5 ER.  Yeah, things aren’t getting better.  Let him have a shred of dignity and shut him down.

Taylor Teagarden – Hit his first homer of the year.  Wow, member when you were thinking about drafting this guy?

Andruw Jones – 5 Hrs in the last four games as he batted cleanup.  You don’t have to like the hot guy to pick up the hot guy.  (<–Quote from He’s Just Not That Into You, but it applies here.)

Donald Veal – Returned from the DL.  Surprisingly, he didn’t have a calf problem.