In 2008, Eric Thames was drafted by the Blue Jays. At the very end of Spring Training in 2012, he won the starting left fielder job over Travis Snider (it was a fierce competition, but in our house, it was always Team Thames). It did not go well and by August 2012, he’d been traded to Seattle for relief pitcher Steve Delabar. (Steve Delabar who, now relegated to the Cleveland minor league system, was given an 80-game suspension for PED use this week.) Shortly thereafter, Thames took his talents and his fine, fine biceps to the Korean league, and the rest, as they say, is history. As a Jays fan, I’m pretty depressed about all this back-story (well, I’m Jays-depressed generally right now, TBH; the highlight of my baseball week was Chris Coghlan’s audition for the Cirque du Soleil), but I’m going to make myself feel better by building a whole damn FanDuel lineup around Eric Thames. I choose to believe that this Saturday is not the day he stops hitting, and this matchup versus lefty Jaime Garcia, at home in Milwaukee, is the gift that all mournful baseball girls (and boys) deserve. I’m slotting Mike Trout in as well and filling in the gaps around them both. Thankfully, there are also some good pitchers on the slate today who won’t break the bank.

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Lots of little piddly injuries this week that don’t seem to be of much consequence. Self-proclaimed MVP candidate Yoenis Cespedes missed a few games with hamstring soreness, but seems ready to return. Stephen Strasburg must have had a great time on his July 20th birthday, because here we are nine months later and he is missing a start to be with his wife as they have their second child. Lil’ DP, Dustin Pedroia, has missed a few games after getting taken out by a Manny Machado slide that would make Ty Cobb proud until Cobb looked at a picture of Machado. And Justin Upton injured his forearm hustling into second base trying to outrun all the lofty hype and expectations we’ve heaped on him for a decade now.

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Yesterday (but really every time he pitches), Chris Sale went 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA down to 0.91, and yet another no decision.  Elias Sports Bureau said, “Chris Sale had his 4th start in last five seasons on Thursday with 8 IP, 10+ Ks, 0 ER without getting win; no one else has more than one.  Also, there’s 16 different vending machines in our company to choose from, but only one has M&M’s and Drake’s Apple Fruit Pie for 50 Cent that elicits Snickers with the wrappers.”  God, what a bunch of nerds!  Not like us fantasy baseball cool kids!  I wanna tent the Elias Sports Bureau office, fart in there and leave.  Seriously, that’s what I want.  I need a wish genie, up in here!  Up in here!  So, Chris Sale is flippin’ awesome once again, and nothing can stop him except a rock vs. his scissors.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Fantasy baseball writers and analysts play in a lot of leagues. Take it from any mind on this site, it’s very hard to say no to leagues with great competition. After multiple years of keeping my ‘portfolio’ compact, this was the year my theoretical box started it’s adventure down a slippery slope.

In deciding after draft season to seriously focus on about five of my 11 leagues of which I found most near and dear to my heart… and wallet… I noticed one player I had stumbled onto more shares of than I ever envisioned (minus James Paxton).

Gerrit Cole.

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The Braves opened up their new park in style last night and Ender Inciarte began the charge going 2-for-4 with his third home run and two RBI. It’s a new year and new park and with that comes and new line of over-the-top ballpark food. Come for the cannolis, craft beer and 5 lb pork chop sandwich, stay for the Braves win. Speaking of winners, this was Ender’s Game and we were all just alien Buggers living in this crazy war-torn universe, preparing for the next Invasion against the Fleet. Just ignore that the book/movie is subliminally telling you to hate the gays and eat at Chic-fil-a. Inciarte must be a “Third.” Ender has the privilege of being the first player in SunTrust park history to collect a hit, score a run, and hit a home run. That’s right, folks, Inciarte is officially the greatest hitter in SunTrust Park history. In addition, he’s now homered in back-to-back games after hitting two bombs on Wednesday and Ender has been known to get hot quick. In 131 games last year, Ender hit .291 with 3 homers and 16 stolen bases. He’s already matched his 2016 homer total! That’s gotta be a good sign, right!? He’s available in about 40% of ESPN leagues, and if he’s still out there I’d grab him while the Braves are still undefeated at home. This might not last long. Come on Atlanta, let’s give him the chop!

Here what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:

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Boy, do we have a lot of games going today. I’m tired just thinking about it. Waitress another coffee please. Let’s cut straight to the good stuff ladies and gentlemen. I thought about getting cute today and suggesting someone other than Noah Syndergaard but then I remembered we’re all here to win money. This will be Thor’s first start at home this season and its a night game so expect the crowd to be there rooting on their ace. If you take a look at his career splits you’ll notice he loves pitching at Citi. One of the most important things to remember when playing FantasyDraft is to pick pitchers with a high K upside and a pitcher who is going to limit the runs. Thor comes in at a modest $22,800 and by modest, I mean most expensive. Cripes! Now let’s see if I can sell you on the most expensive pitcher of the day. Last season Thor finished 4th in k/9. Not sold yet? He finished 3rd in ERA last season. Still not putting him in your lineup? What if I told you he has the lowest o/u and is a heavy favorite to beat the Marlins. Okay I give up, don’t put him in your lineup (sarcasm).

New to FantasyDraft? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond?  Well be sure to read our content and subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.  Just remember to sign up through us before jumping into the fray. It’s how we know you care!

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When did Opening Day for the Padres become a laugher?  Was it when Corey Seager (2-for-5, 3 RBIs) homered off Christian Bethancourt?  You might remember Bethancourt was a catcher last year, but the Padres brought him back this year as a reliever.  If the Padres are going to make every one of their terrible hitters a reliever, their bullpen is going to get crowded.  Maybe that wasn’t the moment it became as cringeworthy as Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie’s romance.  Maybe it was the moment Jhoulys Chacin was pulled after giving up nine earned in 3 1/3 IP.  Considering this was the Padres’ best starter, the game score for their fifth best starter is going to be 38 to 1.  Maybe the moment an 0-162 season became a possibility was when Yasmani Grandal (2-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit his 2nd home run, tying Madison Bumgarner for the major league lead.  Or maybe it was the moment Manuel Margot (1-for-4, 1 run, hitting leadoff) tried to take first base after three balls, because he was facing Kershaw, and no one wants to face Clayton Kershaw (7 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks).  Kershaw must’ve felt like Meatloaf when he mowed down Dan Cortese’s 1999 Rock n Jock team.  Oh, and haven’t even mentioned Joc Pederson (1-for-3, 5 RBIs with his 1st homer, a grand slam).  He never gets any love in the preseason, but I can’t ever (I mean never) move past that he was the first 30/30 guy in the PCL in 80 years.  Kinda wish I owned Pederson in more (any) leagues.  Well, looks like LA now owns San Diego’s Chargers and Chacin.  Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles might be the next beneficiary.  Though, if LA takes San Diego’s navy, it’ll prolly only be used in a West Hollywood musical featuring Village People songs.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Baseball is back!  Our long wait through an absolutely ridiculous winter (in pretty much all aspects of life) is finally over!

I looked back at my re-ranks from last year to kick off the season, and can you believe this is Year 5 of the Pitcher Profiles?!  Who woulda thought Grey would let me write these silly things this long?!  I’m in my 5th year though, have a lot of seasoning, I’m ready to hit my prime!

As always, a lot had changed in the past month+ since I put out my ranks in late February, with big names falling to elbow issues/concerns this time out vs. a fairly injury-free 2016.  My Alex Reyes dynasty team weeps for this offseason!  Plus ya know, massive changes after opening day.  Drop Masahiro Tanaka everywhere!  Yeah, if I were in any schmohawk leagues, I’d offer buy lows non-stop for Tanaka.  Wait, I am in the Perty Perts league, I’ll try there!  Haha I keed, I can’t walk the walk, not like I’ve topped the Perts league my first two years against Grey’s 1,000+ moves every season…

We’ll be getting into the Profiling next week (everyone watched those first 3 games, seems silly to profile any of those Opening Day guys), so get ready for some mad GIFs!  And going to try a little something new for the GIFs too!  Hopefully you like em…

Here’s my updated top 100 SP for the first week of the fantasy baseball season:

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Before we jump right into this draft recap, let’s go over a little bit of background about the league and its details. This isn’t like the typical RCL 5×5 rotisserie league we often talk about in this space. LOEG is a 10×10 head-to-head keeper league, with 10 teams and four keepers per team from year to year. The league has been around for something like ten years and has been graced by the presence of yours truly for the past five.

Since the categories, scoring, and rules are a little different in this league I’ll break down all the details below. I think it’s important to break this down a bit first because not only do I want to bore you to death, but I want you to have all the information while you are going over the results and making fun of my team in the comments section. Anyway, here we go:

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Greetings! Last I recall, the Elders and I were passing Thai sticks in the Secret Pool of Kuang Si, discussing some profoundly important subjects while we took turns etching ancient symbols into the skin directly on and surrounding the pubic region. But of course, our bodies are all immaculately smooth, hairless and chiseled, as if made from marble and then formed in the scorching lava of Mount Kilimanjaro. Why does this matter, you ask? The context will be necessary on our journey together through what looks to be a tumultuous 2017. Trust me in this, and the opportunities for massive glory in all forms of life may fall at your crusty feet like droplets of acid rain that will one day doom this planet (but not yet), burning all your self-pity and self-doubt away, peeling your skin off like a viper, you can be born anew, with a clearer vision and a more artful plan of attack. Anyways, I just woke up on an airplane, as it seems I’m headed back to the United States and below we have what one could consider a synopsis of sorts, of what the Elders and I discussed about fantasy baseball and “other things”.

I am the great Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

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Please, blog, may I have some more?