Fantasy Baseball Advice

Erik Bedard is headed to the DL.  The Bedarded they come, the Bedarded they fall.  So, he has a sprained knee.  “Ow, I think I hurt myself getting onto the examination table to have you check my shoulder.”  That’s Bedard at the doctor’s office.  Right now, the Erich Bedardens are showing the Bennis Carpensheeters a thing or two about staying unhealthy.  Keep it sickly, Bedardens!  Will be interesting to see if the M’s fill Bedard’s rotation spot with Chris Tillman– Oh, wait.  At least the Mariners still have Adam Jones– Oh, that’s right.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dustin Ackley – Slam and legs with the lefty-on-lefty HR against Everyday Jonny Venters.  He’s hitting 5th now for the Mariners, which is like hitting 10th for the Yankees.  That said, any MI who can hit 10th for the Yankees, is pretty damn good.

Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Carrasco’s getting hitters with his unique blend of salt, vinegar and cayenne peppers, and moving up the Scoville scale, so to speak.  Carrasco was always a regarded prospect and it looks like he’s finally putting it together.  I’ll buy it.  Masterson, I will also buy.  Tomlin, I do not buy.  Carmona’s crizzap even if he has potential closnarl.  That’s a scary-faced closer.  Valverde has mad closnarl.

Stephen Drew – 1-for-4 and his 5th home run.  He has a .266 average and about six years worth of hope wasted.  The one positive for Drew’s owners or wannabe owners is he tends to have a solid 2nd half.

Tim Stauffer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  His season ERA is 2.97, solid Ks and a 1.19 WHIP.  Yeah, that’s better than the fifth starter on your fantasy team.  Hodgepadre, shmodgepadre.  He should just be owned.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a steal.  Now batting .175 with one home run.  It’s rookie nookie, you gotta decide if it’s worth the blisters.

Rubby de la Rosa – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Speaking of blisters, Rubby’s K:BB isn’t good at all, but his K-rate is nice.  To get less statistically abbreviated on you, I like him in very deep leagues, but not in any other ones for right now.

Ben Revere – 2-for-3 with his 9th steal in 40 games, and third steal in the last two games.  The concussed Span’s got the spins and could be out for a year or two if we’re to believe Morneau’s case example of being a Marblehead.  Whoa, burn!  In the mean’s while, Revere keeping his Somerville’d by lacing up his cleats and Salem from base to base.  Hey, you’re nobody until you’re Peabody.

Scott Baker – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  ERA is 3.15, 1.19 WHIP and 101 Ks in 105 2/3 IP.  Props need to go out to Rudy on Baker.  Back in April, Rudy said, “Baker has shown the potential to rise to another level (1.19 WHIP in 2009) but has been generally plagued by bad innings and gopheritis.  I’m sure I’m in the minority on this one but I’d rather have Baker than Liriano this year.”  And that’s me quoting Rudy!  Then I followed that up with a Buy article about Baker on April 22nd and again on April 29th.   It’s all there, search the site.

Alex Presley – 0-for-3 and a steal.  Not much to say here other than PICK HIM UP.  (Caps for emphasis, not aesthetics.)  Sorry, but I love seeing guys give fantasy value when they go oh-fer.  Shows me they’re really concerned for our fantasy teams’ well-being.

Eric Thames – 1-for-4 with a home run.  Hitting near .350 over the last week.  Could be a nice HBI (Hot Bat Injection) for those who need some power.

Brandon Morrow – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  [drooling] Brandon Morrow now has 91 Ks in 75 IP. [/drooling]

Andre Ethier – 0-for-4, 3 Ks.  Yesterday, Tristan Cockcroft pointed out Ethier as a guy that is overrated.  I said that back in February.  (I know I said that too about Bautista.  Remember, I’m the one carrying the cross.)

Jayson Werth – Out with a bad hip.  Could be side-whined for a few days.

Ryan Franklin – Released by the Cardinals.  Take it one day at a time, Ryan.  Like your mom, Bonnie Franklin.

Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd home run in as many games.  Geiger, let’s go!

Chris Carpenter - 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks as he threw 132 pitches.  I wonder if La Russa will let Carpenter hammer the last nail in his coffin.

Ryan Dempster – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Easy matchup vs. the Giants but he still has some correcting to do with his 4.99 ERA.  I like him to get it down to around 4.00.

Josh Johnson – Saw Dr. Freeze and he found nothing but still shutdown Johnson for ten days.  A doctor’s gotta maintain his rep, I suppose.  “Don’t waste my time, Josh Johnson!  You’re grounded for 10 days.  Yes, that includes playing catch.  Yes, it’s fine to call your friend James Van Der Beek.  I don’t care if your friend Katie Holmes’ husband told you the pain is mental.”  Or if you prefer, “Tonight, a freeze is coming.”

Shaun Marcum – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks in The House They Built Next To The House Ruth Built.  Wasn’t an easy matchup, but I’m concerned Marcum isn’t fully healthy.

Jordan Zimmermann – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a 2.63 ERA on the year.  February Grey told everyone to have Zimmermann or Beachy as their last starter.  February Grey, “Actually, I told everyone Zimmermann and Mike Minor, but then March Grey told everyone to switch it out with Beachy.  Carry on, June Grey, enjoy your last day!”

Dan Haren – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  ERA is now at 2.85.  I’ve been deliberating whether to tell you Haren’s going to have a 2nd half slide.  I’ll let you know what verdict the jury brings back.

Vance Worley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Walks too many, and he’s been getting lucky.  If you trust him, you’re gonna get roofied and that’s gonna hurt your naughty bits.

Raul Ibanez – 3-for-3 with a slam and legs.  Has been getting benched because of his slump but this game might be the sign of an upcoming hot streak.  Stay tuned!  Or not.  Your choice.

Antonio Bastardo – Recorded the save yesterday for the Phillies.  After the game, Charlie Manuel, wearing overalls and no shirt, said something but failed to remove the piece of hay from his mouth so no one’s sure what he said.

Jonny Venters – 1 IP, 2 ER.  I think the Braves are going to kill him from overuse then strap him to the roof of their station wagon as they head off to Wally World.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper is having knee pain.  It’s a wonder he ever makes it out of bed.

Ty Wigginton – 1-for-3 with guess what?  Yup.

Jason Giambi – 2-for-3 with his 9th homer.  Having a much better season than Morneau.  Stab me in the eye.

Phil Hughes – Threw a solid start in rehab.  Why’s he pitching against a bunch of recovering drug addicts?  Inner voice, “It’s not that rehab!”  Um, right.  So I’m not a fan of Hughes for this year, told you to steer clear of him in the preseason, and don’t have high hopes for him when he returns.  With that said — yeah, I’m about to retract everything I just said — I’d stash him on my bench if I had room.

Clay Buchholz – As ESPN will tell you, with every Yankee mention, there needs to be a Red Sox mention.  Buchholz felt back pain on Tuesday and says he won’t return before the All-Star Game.  Too bad, so sad.

Ian Kinsler – 2-for-4 and 2 home runs.  Hayzeus Cristo, it took him long enough to get hot again.  Hang on for an eight homer month, assuming he stays healthy.

Jason Bay – 1-2 with 4 BBs, 3 Runs, and 2 SBs.  Since he’s not hitting any HRs, he’s reinventing himself as a leadoff hitter.  He better not want Crawford money – oh wait, the Mets are kind of paying him that already.

Angel Pagan – The oxymoron went 4-for-6 with 3 runs and 4 RBIs.  Dan Brown is writing a book as we speak called Angels & Pagans.  In the plot, the Catholic Church is involved in a conspiracy that is thwarted by a Latin outfielder and Mr. Met.

Manny Ramirez was involved in a trade.  The drug trade!  Many people move to Florida to retire.  Manny just decided to do them in a slightly different order.  Manny said of the sudden retirement, “I’m at ease.  I’m now an officially retired baseball player.  I’ll be going away on a trip to Spain with my old man.”  First, he tests positive for estrogen, now he’s going to Spain with what sounds like a sugar daddy.  Manny’s a kept man!  The Rays suddenly have room for Desmond Jennings… Or Matt Joyce… Or Sam Fuld.  We grabbed Desmond Jennings in one league where we had room for a flyer.  Here’s some of what Grey said about Jennings in the preseason, “DJ is currently on the ones and twos for top ranked MLB prospects.  He’s never had an OBP lower than .360 at any stop in the minor leagues, so I don’t think the bottom is going to fall out on that in 2011.  If he’s getting on base, he’ll be stealing bases and scoring runs, whether he’s slotted leadoff or ninth.  Is he much more than SAGNOF?  Yes and no.  He can be more than SAGNOF for 2011, but, worst comes to worst (or wurst comes to wurst, if you’re German), he’s going to steal bases.  There’s the possibility of him getting 5-8 homers and he has the power for 12.  If he reaches the top end of his ceiling, you’re looking at Carl Crawford.  More likely, you’re going to open up this Crackerjack and get half a Carl Crawford.  Say a Carlford.  You ain’t got the Craw yet, kid!”  And that’s us quoting Grey!  In the short term, if the Rays go with Joyce, he has decent pop, but his average will be po’.  Or poor if you’re a completist.  Or poo, if you’re a middlist.  Sam Fuld, who sounds like a cartoon character, can steal 25 bases this year with little power.  Sounds okay, until you break that down to one steal a week and little else.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jered Weaver - 7 2/3 IP with 1 ER, 8 base runners, and 15 Ks.  That’s a Weaver family record!  Even more impressive is that he did this with Bobby Wilson as the catcher – if Jeff Mathis was the catcher, it would’ve been a no-hitter with 25 Ks.

Josh Beckett - 8 shutout innings with 3 base runners and 10Ks….against the Yankees.  Take that Weaver!  It seems like Beckett owns the Yankees but they crushed him last year to the tune of a 10.04 ERA in 26 IP.  So does this mean 2011 Beckett is back to the dominant SP that you would want to actually own on your team?  Not I.  Or is it not me?  Or not we?

Matt Thornton – After Thornton blew his second save, Ozzie tweeted, “Thornton is throws gas like me after a plate of frijoles.”  On Saturday, Chris Sale grabbed the save.  Here’s the thing, and there’s always a thing, Ozzie has no loyalty to Thornton, but Thornton also is better than he’s shown so far.  Don’t think Thornton gets every save and he may get even less than that if he keeps blowing saves, but right now I’d want him then Sale.

Ryan Franklin – Blew his third save on Saturday.  Motte hasn’t been good.  Mitchell Boggs hasn’t been bad but his best attribute is that he’s got the best law firm-sounding name this side of BenJarvus Green-Ellis.  La Russa will probably stick with Franklin for a few more blow ups, but I’d own Motte and Boggs, in that order.

Jaime Garcia – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Another gem on Saturday in spite of everyone saying a regression was coming this year.  Baseball-Reference’s Database had to talk Fangraphs Database down from the roof of a twelve story building.  “It’s not just your FIP.  It’s everyone’s.”

Carlos Beltran – Hit 2 homers on Saturday.  One for each knee he has problems with.

Chris Narveson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Now has 13 straight scoreless innings.  Someone go grab Orel Hershiser off the beach in Jamaica!  Not because Narveson is going to break his scoreless inning streak, but Orel’s really pale, you don’t want him to burn.  Grab Narveson in every single league you have room, you never know where a crazy breakout is going to come from.

Justin Masterson – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks and now has only given up 2 earned in two starts.  Could I have been a year early when I told you to grab Masterson last year?  It’s possible.  Sometimes when I pop out of my DeLorean, I have no idea what year it is.  It’s worth a flyer to see if Masterson can continue his early success, but I have less faith in him, the Indians and AL pitcher flyers, in general.

Russell Martin – Hit two four-baggers on Saturday.  Speaking of a four-bagger, for those who read my e-book, my friend from college, Dirty, was visiting me this week.  So we’re headed to this bar on Friday and he starts telling me about this girl he hooked up with on Tuesday night.  He’s like, “I was hooking up with her and then she starts making out with this girl… Then me… Then this girl….It was so hot!”  Now, my one experience with the bar he was at was seeing a friend’s band perform and there were a lot of lesbians there, so his story sounded plausible.  So I tell him to invite his bisexual girl to the bar we’re going to.  He does, but she has no car or cash.  He’s like, “I’ll pay the forty dollar cab ride for you!”  He’s giddy with excitement.  I’m giddy just to meet her.  He’s built this girl up to the point where I’m expecting Vanessa Hudgens taking pictures of herself.  She texts him from the cab outside, “Come pay for the taxi, I’m here.”  So he walks out while I stay inside the bar.  Fifteen minutes later, he walks in with his tail between his legs and a girl that can be best described as Rosie O’Donnell from the days of Exit to Eden.  She was wearing a denim jacket, a silver chain hanging from her jeans’ pocket and had a shaved faux hawk.  She wasn’t bi-curious, she was a lesbian.  Yeah, he still went home with her.

J.J. Hardy – Sidelined for six weeks with an oblique injury.  I see your appendix and intercostal and raise you an oblique!

Zach Britton – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Another solid start on Saturday.  Because he induces groundballs, his downside isn’t as bad as some other rookie pitchers.  He also doesn’t K a lot of people.  I’d prefer my SP flyer from the NL, but you do what you do, I do what I do and we’ll meet somewhere in the middle like Monie and Malcolm.

Hanley Ramirez – With a deep contusion on his leg, he’s out until Tuesday.  A deep contusion for Hanley is also known as a charley horse.

Ryan Zimmerman – Abdominal strain has knocked him out for a few days.  Zimm loves himself some day-to-day injuries, huh?

Brett Cecil – 5 IP, 5 ER on Saturday.  Hey, you took the flyer, gave him a chance, he touched your naughty bits and left you high and dry.  I’d start to look elsewhere.

Bud Norris – See 1/8th of an inch above…i.e., grab Narveson.

Andres Torres – Strained Achilles – consider him out until Friday.  Now if he has a doctor that stutters, no one will know when he says, “Heal heel!  Heal heel!”  The big problem with Torres coming into this year and his career is he had a hard time staying healthy.  Achilles injuries can linger, says the guy without the medical degree.

Ryan Doumit – Hurdle said he won’t play Doumit in right field or at first when Snyder returns.  I did enjoy Clint Hurdle’s quote about it, “It wouldn’t be fair to Ryan.”  He’s making it sound like he’s doing Doumit a favor by benching him.  This is like when you do the ol’ “It’s not you, it’s me” breakup.

Dan Haren – Got the relief win on Saturday.  In the dugout, the Sciosciapath was seen reading Dusty Baker’s book on managing pitchers, “They Weren’t a High Pressure One Hundred and Eighty Pitches.”

Jose Tabata – Knock Knock.  Who’s there?  Tabata.  Tabata who?  Tabata the Rockies are leaving town because Jose hit 2 HRs and stole 3 SBs in 4 games against them.  It’s been only 10 games but Tabata is showing signs of improvement vs. his rookie year.  He’s walking more than twice as much as last year, flashing more power (only had 4 HR in 400+ AB last  year), and is stealing more (5 for 6 vs last year’s 19 for 26).  While it’s highly doubful he’ll keep up this Bondsian/Eric Davisian pace (32 HR / 80 SBs), a 15/40 season isn’t out of the question.

Rajai Davis – For the love of Rajai!  Davis re-irritated his right ankle on Sunday.  Don’t they have band aids in Toronto?  Damn socialized medicine.  He will likely miss a couple games, just in time for Corey Patterson to appear off the DL, look great for a week or two, and then morph back into Corey Patterson.  This has the potential for the best SAGNOF fight with only CarGo Lite and Nyjer standing in its way.  And if Podsednik ever gets his act together, he can team up with Mike McCoy and the Jays can have a SAGNOF tag team event.

Stephen Drew – 4-for-4 with 3 RBI.  Looks like he’s holding Bloomquist in contempt.

Matt Kemp – That was 5 SBs for Kemp in the 3 game series at San Diego.  Maybe he just visualizes Chris ‘Tall’ Young on the mound.

Fernando Rodney – Just when you think that Scioscia has no respect for Rodney as a closer, he gives him another chance.  Even crazier, he throws a 1-2-3 inning.  Maybe it’s because Walden pitched on Saturday but Rodney had pitched on Friday and Saturday.  Go figure.  I still think Walden will get more saves this year but you’ve got to hold onto Rodney for now.  Sorry in advance.

Yovani Gallardo - 4 ER and 11 base runners in 5 IP.  And only 2 Ks – which makes it 8 Ks in three starts (20 IP).  That’s Buehrlesque.  That’s not good at all for someone who’s averaged over a K an inning for his career.  Maybe he’s saving them up to impress Zack.

Metco – The Mets and Nationals hitters somehow made the quartet of Capuano (8 Ks), Gorzelanny (8 Ks), Marquis (9 Ks), and Chris ‘Tall’ Young (7 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks) look like great pitchers.  If there’s anything to learn from this, it’s not to pick these guys up.  It’s to stream starters who face these two teams.

Jonny Gomes – Slam and legs!

Brandon Belt – Another 0-fer.  That’s 3 for 24 since the big HR in his 2nd game. We had a guy in one of our leagues spend his whole $100 waiver budget on Belt.  Ouch.  Obviously, Belt is better than this but it’s always a crapshoot with rookie hitters.  If you can bench him until he snaps out of this funk or gets demoted, do it.

Eric Bedard - That’s two bad starts in a row for Bedard.  The odds are low that he’ll pitch so poorly the rest of the year.  But that’s because there’s a 90% chance he gets injured and can’t pitch at all.

Some rejected titles for this post were, “Adam’s Appendix Is Dunn,” “Dunn’s Appendix Chooses Worst Of Three Outcomes,” and “Dunn Develops Killer App.”  First Holliday, now Adam Dunn with a busted appendix.  I heard if the doctor gets cold during the surgery, he’s going to snuggle inside Dunn like Luke did with his tauntaun.  Big Donkey only needs 5 days to heal because he already had an axe scar in that area they could re-use.  The turnaround time is so quick now on these surgeries that you have to wonder why it took the Twins so many years to remove their appendix (Nick Punto).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Quentin – 4-for-6, 3 RBIs, 2 Runs and his 2nd homer.  He’s now hitting .500 on the year.  If he can stay healthy, he can have a huge year.  Though that if is the size of Dunn’s appendix.

Juan Pierre – 3-for-6 and his 2nd steal as he was asked to fill-in Dunn’s shoes at DH.  Lucky he didn’t have to wear his pants.

Michael Bourn – Left with tightness in his groin.  Is he now dating Rihanna?

Ubaldo Jimenez – Looks like the pickle juice or whatever medieval cure he was prescribed didn’t work and Ubaldo is headed to the DL until the 17th.  Since he only has a cut on his cuticle, he should be back when scheduled.  If you felt he should’ve been the lead of this post, “Ubaldo’s Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow” is your title.  Maybe instead of pickle juice, he should’ve visited a *pinkie to mouth*  manicurist.

Chad Billingsley – 3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now has a 7+ ERA in Colorado over his career.  If you ever see Bills talking to your girl at a bar, order him a Coors and watch him fall apart.

Andrew Cashner – As reported here first after reading it somewhere else, Cashner is going to the DL with a rotator cuff strain.  Tough break strain since he looked good on Tuesday and I was ready to get on board.

Randy Wells – To the DL with a forearm strain.  That’s not good.  Guessing he’ll be out for all of April.  All these injuries made me think of the Cage The Elephant‘s Shake Me Down, “Not a lot of people left around…”  Mmm-mmm… That’s me humming the words I don’t know.  I love that song.

Alfonso Soriano – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  This is also the third time he’s shown up in five roundups.  If you’re gonna own him, right now is the time.

Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  It took me a few years to fully trust Dempster after he moved to starting.  Now that I trust him, he’s going to employ his parachute as he watches me crash to the ground.

Brad Lidge – Charlie Manuel said Lidge should be back around the All-Star break.  His exact words were, “Lidge an ornery spitfire who wants to go piking by July.  Now where in my overalls did I put that straw I like to chew on.”

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Word is the Sawx are giving Salty until June to hit.  They’re obviously more patient than me, I’m giving him until next week.

Willie Bloomquist – 2-for-5 and his 5th steal.  Emilio Bonifacio called, he wants his crazy fast April start back.  Potatoes to chips, if Bloomquist was doing this in the middle of the season, you wouldn’t even know about it, unless you were Willie Bloomquist Jr. and your dad forced you to watch all his at-bats.

Stephen Drew – Plans to return to the starting lineup on Friday.  My anticipation level for Drew’s return is above my next visit to the dentist but way below when Dustin reveals on The Real World to his roomie/girlfriend that he used to do gay porn.

Yunel Escobar – 3-for-3 when he had to be lifted because of dizziness.  He was waving air into his face and jumping up down and I thought Travis Snider farted in his direction, but I think it happened on Yunel’s headfirst slide.  Not sure, I’m not a doctor.

Austin Jackson – 0-for-5.  I’ve been saying he’s not that good since last year and it looks like he’s finally coming around to my way of thinking.

Ryan Raburn – 1-for-2 as he snuck onto the field in Boesch’s jersey.  Geez, what did Raburn do?  Complain about Leyland smoking in the dugout?

Alex Avila – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs with the very rare slam & legs from a catcher.  Despite having such a good night, Miguel Cabrera is hesitant to hang out with Alex Avila because of his initials.

Armando Galarraga – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Eh, I’d give him a stiff-Armando off my team.

Joakim Soria – 1 IP, 4 ER.  In the offseason, he abandoned his nickname, The Mexicutioner.  He didn’t mention he was adopting the nickname, The Mexican’t.

Jeff Francis – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’d wait to see 30 more starts from him before picking him up.

Alex Gordon – 2-for-5, 1 RBI including his 5th double.  Yes, you should pick him up.

Carl Crawford – 2 Hits, 2 steals and 2 for flinching when Francona threatened to bat him 7th again.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  If you’re new to the site, I don’t think Dice-BB should be owned in any league that, ya know, wanna win.

Kevin Correia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now is 2-0 with a 1.38 ERA on the year.  Of course, he’s pitched better than most of the pitchers on my fantasy teams.   Why do you hurt me so much small sample sizes?  That’s what she said!  (Not really.)

Neil Walker – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer.  Then there’s the other side of the small sample size coin.  You wanna believe so bad early hitting stars will hit .400 and homers every other day, but you know it won’t last.  Or at least you should know, unless you suffer from delusional fantasies.

Alberto Callaspo – 2-for-4, 2nd homer and hitting .450 on the year.  I’m the first to think he’s Callaspoo, but he’s hitting, so, yeah, grab him for your MI spot.

Mark Trumbo – 3-for-4, hitting .286 so far.  He’s played in 5 of 6 games, but hasn’t hit for power yet.  But II, The Return of But, he could start hitting for power.

Erick Aybar – Strained oblique.  In your face, intercostal!

Tim Stauffer – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Hodgepadre:  Start in Petco, don’t get them wet and don’t, under any circumstances, feed them after midnight.  So who feed Stauffer after midnight?

Nick Hundley – 1-for-3, HR.  Not sure how much you need a catcher, but Hundley’s the Padres best hitter right now.  I know how sad that sounds.

Ryan Howard – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs, 2 Runs and his 2nd homer.  He’s now batting .524.  Yeah, he looks done.  Glad some ‘perts were ranking him in the 4th round.

Jose Contreras – Got his first save and received a 35% off discount at the movies.

Mike Pelfrey – 2 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K as he couldn’t keep the bats off the Pelfrey.  I wouldn’t own Pelfrey with your team.

Tim Lincecum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 13 Ks.  He made the Padres hitters look even worse than they normally do!

Brian Wilson – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Returned and looked like he shouldn’t have.  Hopefully it’s just him brushing the cobwebs off the gimp outfit.

Edinson Volquez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks and the conshellation prize.  Frequent commenter, Eddy, brought up an interesting stat, Volquez’s first inning ERA is 31.50, the rest of the way (8 IP) 2.25 ERA.

Ian Desmond – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs as he may have just cemented himself back in the leadoff spot.  This is why you don’t overrate 5 games of play.  Or a week.  Or a month.

John Buck – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a triple.  I’m guessing here but I feel like Buck gets more triples than any other catcher.  That Buck is a hustler!

Mike Minor – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Getting roofied by Minor and I feel like how Jeffrey Jones looks.  Oh, well.  He was probably only up for one start.  I’d lose him for now.

Jeremy Hellickson – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I try and stay away from AL rookie pitchers, but let’s remember some stuff I said in the preseason… You know, six days ago.  I said Hellickson would win the ROY and I dropped this Hellickson fantasy on ya.

Manny Ramirez – Maddon sat Manny because he was pressing.  Surprised no clouds formed when Manny’s warm air pockets of pressing met with his cool air pockets of indifference.

Jason Bay has a strained intercostal, which is the highway that runs along Florida’s coast.  Specifically, by Palm Beach where people are old and this strained whatever-the-shizz-is happens.  If you were counting on a bounce back from J-Bay, you might want to count to yourself so you don’t annoy your cubicle neighbor.  (Neighboricle?  Who might’ve also been the person who lived next to that nice black lady in The Matrix.)  These injuries tend to linger — see Braun, Ryan for further reading — and Bay already had Metco and age to deal with.  I’m not optimistic about him being at full strength until May and even then I have my doubts about how much we’re gonna see from him.  Rudy and I are betting Scott Hairston sees time in our deep leagues, but Duda could, as well.  Though I wouldn’t Camptown Race to pick him up.  Anyway, here’s what else is going on in fantasy baseball:

Edwin Encarnacion – Will start at 3rd base with Bautista moving to the outfield.  Encarnacion is a Latin 28, and I have little faith in him hitting over .260 but he could hit 25 homers with everyday ABs.  The only problem he seems to ever have is staying healthy.  The way randoms come out of the woodwork to hit bombs in Toronto every year, I wouldn’t be surprised if this year it’s Edwin’s turn.  Not saying he’s going to hit 50 homers like some schmohawk, but if he hit 30 homers in 500 ABs it wouldn’t surprise me.

Brian Wilson – Will miss a week.  O, Sergio Romo, will see saves in his stead, man.  For those who found us Googling “O + Steadman” — you’re at the totally wrong site and your spelling is off.

Juan Rivera – Hotel and Casino gets hurt a little with Bautista moving to right field.  Rivera should see time at DH, but I imagine Lind, Snider or Arencibia could also see some time at DH.  Frankly, that team has 7 of one player, then 2 of another player (Pods, Rajai).

Ian Stewart – Sounds like Stewart will open the season on DL.  Or if Sean Connery is reading this, “Ee-yan Shtewart is hurting.  Wigginshton is the man now, dog.”

Mark Trumbo – The Sciosciapath said Trumbo won’t be an everyday player.  I’d still own him in most leagues if you have room on your bench.  It’s worth a few day flyer to see if he hits his way into the everyday lineup.  By next Monday, you drop him if he’s not doing anything.  No harm, no foul.

Stephen Drew – Had an MRI for abdominal pain, might land on the DL.  Did you know Grey can’t have an MRI because he has metal plates in his head from one of the few amusing anecdotes that didn’t make it into the (e)book?  Did you also know Grey likes to talk about himself in third person?

Mike Napoli – I might put a moratorium on Napoli questions.  He isn’t going to start every day this year.  He hasn’t started the last three years and he has 20 homers in each season.  That’s why there’s the Ron Popeil School of Catcher Management.  You set him and you forget him.

J.A. Happ – Out with an oblique injury.  Vague!  You shouldn’t have owned him anyway so maybe that pressure is why he got hurt.  You better send him a Get Well card.

Jarrod Dyson – Backup/bench option for the Royals that could have value because of his speed — SAGNOF! — if the Royals are hit by injuries.  See, Dyson is specially engineered for speed.  Most runners move only one leg at a time when they run but Jarrod Dyson moves both in a centrifugal motion that reduces friction and removes all the dirt from the infield.

Brad Lidge – Out with a partially torn rotator cuff.  He’s saying back by June, wouldn’t be surprised if we don’t see him until August.  Madson is a Cuddle Boy, and Charlie Manuel don’t like no Cuddle Boys, so he’s saying Contreras will close.  I really don’t think it’s going to be this clear cut.  Madson will get some saves, but for now Contreras is the main pick up.

Drew Storen – Has all but lost the Nats closer job, but, since Sean Burnett is the favorite for saves, I wouldn’t drop Storen.

Ronny Paulino – May hit the DL with stomach issues.  Hey, now the Yanks and Mets both have colon problems.

There’s no Reyes, Rollins or Hanley on this list of shortstops.  This list is guys that can be had later in your drafts if you’ve punted shortstop or are still looking for a middle infielder.  Look at this as a supplement to the top 20 shortstops of 2011 fantasy baseball.  If you’re feeling especially adventurous, click on the player’s name to read more about them or to see their 2011 projections.  I’m going to start this list of targets at the 122 ADP cut off.  You say, “Arbitrary!”  I say, “Why are you saying arbitrary to a computer screen?  No one can hear you.”  Anyway, here’s some shortstops to target for 2011 fantasy baseball:

Ian Desmond – I dropped a killer no whammy no whammy…. double whammy! post on you regarding Alcides Escobar and our good friend that neither of us personally know, Ian Desmond.   That’s right, I went bi-postal and I’m bi-winning.  Liked Desmond last year and he only seemed to disappoint.  (Seriously, look at his numbers compared to other shortstops.  He wasn’t that bad.)  I like him again this year.  Don’t fear the Nats.  No one else does!  Oofa.

Stephen Drew -  He was the reason for the 122 ADP cut off.  I really like Stephen Drew.  I have convinced myself that at the age of 28 he will break out.  Possible signs of this:  his walk rate last year was (barely) the best of his career, he has speed for 10 steals and the power for 20+ homers and he was once a top ten prospect… Okay, five years ago.  But still, he’s 28.

Alcides Escobar – How does a shortstop go from stealing 40+ bases in Triple-A to stealing 10 in the majors?  I don’t know and that alone is my reason to think Alcides has to steal more this year.  Yes, it is that scientific.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Da ‘drubal!  Love him!  Okay, I don’t really.  He’s okay.  But now with the injection of Orlando Cabrera!  Yeah, that doesn’t really change things much either.  I do like a good ‘drubal when I can get him on the cheap.  That’s what she said!  Yeah, I don’t think that makes much sense either.  Moving on…

Jason Bartlett – It’s true, I don’t like Jason Bartlett.  How’s that for the hard sell?  But he’s being drafted around 279th overall.  Really, he’s that bad?  Rhetorical!  No, he’s not.

Reid Brignac – There was a study done by the University of Washington that basically says you don’t like what you can’t pronounce.  Yeah, that’s a complete lie, but I do think that’s why people love Jay Bruce and dislike Reid Brignac.  Okay, that and Brignac is only getting a starting job for the first time this year.  You, quibbler!