Danny Farquhar earned the save on Saturday and Sunday for the Mariners. The first two of his career. I guess the whole 5+ ERA didn’t scare off acting manager Robby Thompson or he has no idea who he’s signaling from the bullpen. I’m guessing the latter here, if latter means he’s a moron. Thompson is managing while Eric Wedge recovers from a mild stroke that he suffered while trying to follow Robby Thompson home from the stadium one night. Eric Wedge, “Why are you going left with your right turn signal?! You can’t make a left on red! Oh, you’re going right? Then why are you signaling left?! I’m coming Elizabeth!” Lord Farquhar is the closer now, so obviously you own him, but who knows what Thompson’s doing. He could signal for a ball girl next. I do look forward to when the Mariners fans get a cheering section for Farquhar together. They can dress up like giant penises and name themselves, the Farqwits. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Last night, one of the most talented young arms in baseball followed up a career high in strikeouts with yet another career high in strikeouts. Jose Fernandez cooled off the Cleveland Indians with 8 shutout innings and 14 Ks. The Tribe entered Crayola Canyon on an 8-game winning streak, but left the game wondering if they should have even bothered to pack their bats for the trip. J-Fer, as the kids call him, has most likely been one of your league’s best waiver pickups since his surprise call-up and is currently sporting a two-fitty ERA and a WHIP around 1.00. Oh, and then there are the strikeouts. 27 Ks over his last 16 innings and now 138 on the year is pretty impressive considering the kid couldn’t even have a drink in the Clevelander until this past Wednesday. Like most rookie pitchers, the dreaded innings cap is looming (word on the street is 170), but for now let’s enjoy the ride and appreciate nights like these when we get to see a future ace show his best stuff. Here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Let me see if I got this right about Brett Wallace (I’m admittedly drunk from an all-day 4th of July BBQ). He’s a post-hype-little-less-hype-some-hype-no-hype-hype-what?-hype sleeper. Did that add up? Sometimes I forget to carry the last hype and I was doing it in my head. Wallace arrives with so little hoopla he’s poopla. Hang up the decorations, prepare for your friends to come over for a potluck, then everyone shows up late with gluten-free snacks. That’s when you say, “What’s with all of the poopla?” If I wanted my glutens free, I would’ve freed them myself! Brett Wallace hit really well down in Triple-A (this last time; and every time really). 11 homers, .326 average and won Triple-A Player of the Month honors, which is like being the world’s tallest midget. There’s still not a whole lot of proof that Wallace can hit in the majors, but yesterday’s 3-for-5 with two homers was a nice step in the right direction. I could see grabbing him in deeper leagues for the chance that he finally figures out a way to transform his minor league success to the majors. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
In mythology, Hector was the Trojan prince and the greatest warrior in the Trojan war. So step aside Brad Pitt, while you were fighting the undead in World War Z, Hector Santiago was in warrior mode last night as he dominated the Royals, pitching 8.0 innings, surrendering just 3 hits, 1 walk, 1 ER and striking out five for his third win. Hector could be seen rallying his team in the dugout, “Troy is mother to all of us. Fight for her!” An unorthodox approach for sure, but it worked as the ChiSox managed to score nine runs of support for Santiago. The eight innings was his longest outing of the year, and it was certainly his best, the only blip being the solo home run to Eric Hosmer in the sixth inning. Even if it was only the Royals, Hector seems to have figured things out. Since taking over for the injured Jake Peavy, Sanitago has given up just 5 ER in 19.2 IP, with 2 wins and a 19/7 K/BB ratio. Not bad for the Prince of Troy. Hector is owned in just over 30% of RCL leagues and gets the Cleveland Indians next Friday. If you’re feeling brave like a Trojan warrior I’d start him, but he’s worth the add either way. As long as Peavy is sidelined, Prince Hector should see plenty of opportunities to succeed going forward, and he will fight for your fantasy team.
Here’s what else happened in fantasy baseball last night:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Did someone call Glenn Frey? Cuz the H is O. When the news hit, I was on the toilet, which reminded me of that famous Lawrence Taylor quote when he said, “My life is in the toilet and no one is flushing.” Ryan Braun and Alex Rodriguez‘s lives are in that same proverbial toilet; hopefully they avoid sleeping with an underage prostitute. “Baby, you ever see me break Theismann’s leg?” “The Theismann Trophy? Wow, isn’t that bronze?” “Joe Theismann, woman!” “Woman? I’m 16.” That’s an audio recording of LT in the hotel room. So, the world is ablaze with ESPN’s report that a suspension is forthcoming for Braun, A-Rod, Yasmani Grandal, Nelson Cruz, Jhonny Peralta and Everth Cabrera, amongst notable fantasy names. Gio Gonzalez isn’t in danger because he makes people write down shizz in invisible ink. “I bought this pen from the back of comic book, forgoing the 3-D glasses.” That’s Gio at the steroid reception desk. By the by, how buff was the lady taking calls at Biogenesis and how bad did A-Rod hit on her? I got questions, y’all! If Ryan Braun is suspended, the repercussions will obviously be huge for your fantasy team. However, Braun looks like he’s already battling something — the Jewish guilt? P to the erhaps. If you’re doing well in your league with the Braun that you have, chances are you can rotate through hot schmotatoes in shallower mixed leagues to give you his production. If A-Rod is suspended? Well, no one cares outside of the buff receptionist. EverCab could also send people scrambling for steals on waivers, while Cruz and Jhonny are replaceable in most mixed leagues. On the bright side, Braun’s lawyers will probably fight this for at least a month or two, and they’ve won before over what mail carrier someone used, so you never know. On the brighter side, the publishers of the Jewish Sports Hero Pamphlet can hold off on an expansion for a while. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
On this Memorial Day, I’m left thinking about things as American as apple pie and fake-breasted women, but mostly I’m left contemplating how similar Memorial Day sounds to Michael Bay. What better way to think of our country’s great holiday, than our real-life Uncle Sam of excessive special effects-laden movies. You can make cars better than us Asia, but can you blow crap up on celluloid and make apocalyptic tripe like World War Z? So, today, go outside and wish someone a Happy Michael Bay, he’s ours. Also, ours is baseball, and a branch off of that is fantasy baseball, and a sub-section of that sub-section is hoarding prospect pitchers that are called up like Michael Wacha. First (immediately after all that other first shizz), let’s see what our prospect writer, Scott, has said about him, “Wacha’s 2012 numbers were just plain silly: 0.86 ERA, 0.57 WHIP, 17.1 K/9 in 11 appearances across three levels (Rookie, High-A, Double-A). Those 11 outings, however, only tallied up to 21 IP. The Cardinals were keeping his workload light, and Wacha never worked through a batting order more than one time through. That was the only criticism, the only reason to expect regression as he stepped up to Triple-A ball this season. Well, Wacha’s done a fine job of quelling those concerns so far. If only we could quell Grey as easily.” Hey, what’s the big idea!? I’m not sure where Wacha’s Ks have been thus far in Triple-A (under a 6 K/9), but his walks have been in check (~2.5 BB/9) and he has an ERA of 2.05 in 52 2/3 IP. If he keeps his K-rate around there in the majors, he’s going to be strictly an NL-Only or 15-team mixed leagues and deeper play. But he looks closer to a 7+ K-rate guy and someone I’d grab in all mixed leagues. The upside is here for greatness; of course the downside of any rookie pitcher is here, as well. All of this is assuming the Cards officially call him up, but the word around town is they’re about to. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jurickson Profar called up to replace The Ian Kinsler DL Experiment. I’ll wait here while you go add Profar in your league. Okay, back? Good! If you’re not back yet, then you’re not reading this, so let me clear the air, I slept with your sister. Baseballstar Profarlactica is the safest bet from catching the prospect hype virus in the known universe. First (after all those other firsts), let’s see what Scott, our prospect writer, wrote, “Profar brings legit 20-20 potential, along with .300+ AVG, and an OBP north of .350. From shortstop, that sort of production would be enormous. Here’s Grey’s Jurickson Profar fantasy. Also check out my Top 25 Prospects for 2013, where Profar came in at #15. I also slept with your sister.” Damn, hope those other people still aren’t back. I’d grab Profar in every league. Yes, even yours. My guess is he will hit. My 2nd guess is C. Always guess C. That advice can get you into an Ivy League school. I didn’t go to one, ergo, henceforth, vis-à-vis, I had to Google whether or not Ivy League was capitalized. If he hits, Profar could be here to stay with the Rangers saying, “Yo, Profar is hitting so let’s keep him and move Kinsler to the outfield. Or just put a “Hockey sucks” t-shirt on Andrus and drop him off in Winnipeg.” If Profar doesn’t hit, he’ll be sent back down and no one will need to go to Winnipeg. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Max Scherzer has heterochromia, which is a condition where one eye is a different color than the other. Here’s a picture of him. Christopher Walken, Kiefer Sutherland, Mila Kunis, Kate Bosworth, to name a few, also have this condition. Doesn’t this seem like something that at some point will be the “it thing?” I could totally see teenagers in the future riding their hoverboards and wearing only one colored contact. Then further down the line the government will require everyone to have different colored eyes and teenagers with the same colored eyes will rise up to overthrow the government, only to be thwarted because some counter-terrorism organization supplied the teens with marijuana and a new “awesome” video game. Actually, I’m kinda surprised this hasn’t happened yet. With my deep, dark, mysterious, cock-eyed peepers, I looked into Scherzer and decided he’s been the 3rd best pitcher in baseball so far, if you throw out his ERA (the 2nd best is Anibal and 4th best is Burnett). Sure, when one looks cock-eyed at things, they cherry-pick stats and throw out common sense. Still, Scherzer has been fantastic. His K-rate of 11.26 is fifth in the league. His walk rate is 24th. Besides Peavy, Scherzer is the only one in the top 24 with a 9+ K-rate and a walk rate that low. Basic math: if you strikeout people and don’t walk them, great things will happen. Scherzer has been better than F-Her, only F-Her has an ERA of 1.53 and Scherzer’s is at 3.98. Fantasy baseballers (<–Grand Dame Albright’s term!) tend to overrate recent past results and ratios they can understand like ERA. If someone in your league thinks Scherzer is nothing but a #2 or 3 with good Ks, they’re wrong as no rain. I’d pursue Scherzer quickly before his ERA turns around like a dramatic prairie dog. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Because I can’t have anything nice. That is the answer to why David Price left the game injured. For those of you worried about me, I’m gonna be okay. I have the love of a good cougar. Too bad she can’t pitch for my goddamn fantasy team! Why do you laugh at me, Fantasy Baseball Overlord? Fantasy Baseball Overlord, “Because you traded Machado for him and no man’s love will come before myself or Machado.” “I didn’t know. Is this a new fantasy commandment? All I saw was David Price’s K-rate was down last April too and he went on to win the Cy Young?!” “Are you interrogating me? The man who molded Billy Butler’s moobs with my own two hands.” Sorry, have I not serviced you correctly? Would you like a reach around? Do you have to rain frogs down on my team? Hello? Oh, I guess I lost him, stupid iPhone. And I lost David Price too. So, Price left because of triceps tightness. Hopefully after a DL stint, he’ll be back to his old dbnsjicns Oops, will cross my fingers when I’m done with the post. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
If Bernie Madoff never ripped off investors to the tune of eighteen billion dollars, the world would be a different place. The US wouldn’t be exporting trillions of golfers’ plaid pants from Boca Raton, Florida to Scotland to be used as kilts. Mazerati dealers in Long Island, Beverly Hills and Palm Beach wouldn’t be sweating their child’s $50,000 nursery school tuition. Nannies in Connecticut would have time to watch daytime talk shows rather than putting bottles of rare wines on eBay. But one of the biggest hits taken by Madoff was the Mets owner, Fred Wilpon. Ever wonder why Bobby Bonilla is still getting a million dollars a year from the Mets in a Swiss bank account made out to the name “Bobby Barramundi?” Madoff ran the Mets’ finances. I bring this up because if Madoff were still at the wheel, the Mets would probably send Mr. Met to the proper specialist for his gigantism and they would’ve called up Zack Wheeler already. Money’s the issue for both. Super 2 cutoff is a funky thing to figure, but to the best of my abilities, I’ve ascertained Wheeler can be called up May 15th or June 4th. A month ago, Terry Collins was already asking for Wheeler to be called up to replace Hefner. If the Mets keep him down past the first week of June, it’s because Wheeler is injured or because the Mets are saying to their fans, “We don’t care, and Terry Collins can suck a big fat one.” Why do you care for fantasy baseball purposes — or porpoises if dolphins are reading? Because Wheeler could be nearly as good as Harvey. His control in the minor leagues is slightly worse than Harvey’s was, but his Ks are just as purdy. Here’s what Scott, our prospect writer, said, “Wheeler had a phenomenal 2012, posting impressive numbers between Double- and Triple-A: 3.26 ERA, 1.17 WHIP, 8.9 K/9. The 22-year-old features a plus fastball that sits in the mid-90s, and he counters with plus-plus curve, a slider, and a change — the latter two are both nice offerings. It’s a deep repertoire for a pitcher of his age, but Wheeler commands it well and baffles hitters with his sequencing, unlike Grey who baffles people with his sequins shirts.” Huh? I don’t wear sequins shirts (anymore). In most mixed leagues, now is the time to start stashing Wheeler, he’s gonna be a great one. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?