Fantasy Baseball Advice

On Base Percentage (OBP) is what Skynet created for the Oakland A’s so they could win the World Series and ruin baseball.

Actually, that doesn’t sound quite right. I think OBP is the brew baseball writers’ fermented in a basement to scare Andre Dawson, or it was the reason pitchers feared Jim Rice, thereby making him a Hall of Famer.

I’m all confused. But, apparently, Razzball readers and commentators aren’t. According to the recent survey we conducted (to mine all of your personal information to sell to Facebook), a ton of you play in leagues that swap out average for those crazy on base skills. Accordingly, this changes the value of several players:

Jose Bautista: Over the last three seasons (including Bautista’s generally poor 2009), Bautista has the eighth best OBP. Last season, Bautista was just .001 behind the OBP leader, Miguel Cabrera, and over the last two seasons, Bautista has the third best OBP in all of baseball. The only glaring weakness in Jose Bautista’s armor is average. If you substitute OBP, Bautista is a legitimate best-player-in-the-format candidate.

Lance Berkman: Berkman’s .412 OBP last year was the fifth best in all of baseball and not far off his career mark (.409). While Berkman’s average is typically useful, his OBP is top 10, making him a four-category stud. With OBP instead of average, Berkman should pass the likes of Paul Konerko, Mark Teixeira, and Eric Hosmer and is a top six first baseman.

Adam Dunn: Until 2011, Dunn was the answer to the question of who benefits most from the switch to OBP. Last season, he posted an OBP under .300. Oddly enough his walk rate was close to his career norm, but his already high K-rate spiked, his ISO and BABIP cratered and he hit .159. Dunn can walk and appears to be approaching 2012 with more determination. A return to .350 OBP is certainly plausible and has some upside. Last season, Mike Stanton with a .356 OBP had the 40th best mark.

Prince Fielder: Fielder and Pujols have the same OBP over the last three seasons. During that time, Pujols has just 10 more HRs and eight more RBIs. In addition, during that same span, Cabrera has an OBP .012 points higher, 14 less HRs and 10 less RBIs. Fielder isn’t the top 1B in OBP leagues, but he isn’t far off. His move to the American League could depress his numbers somewhat, but in OBP leagues, he is a top producer.

Carlos Pena: While Carlos Pena’s OBP skills do not produce league leading rates, they do erase the stank displeasure of his putrid batting average. Pena has a .239 career average, but .352 OBP. A first baseman capable of hitting 25-30 HRs with a .355 OBP is top-10 consideration.

Mark Reynolds: Like Pena, Reynolds makes an untenable batting average disappear with a superior walk rate. For his career, his OBP is about 100 points higher than his batting average. While his .323 OBP last season was tied for 99th best, it’s a far cry from where his average would rank him. Reynolds is an incredibly attractive option in OBP leagues, as his immense power is not entirely derailed by a sub-optimal OBP. Grab Reynolds with confidence that you will get a .330 OBP, with 35 HRs and near 100 runs and RBIs.

Carlos Ruiz: Over the last three seasons, Ruiz trails only Joe Mauer in OBP. His .376 mark is far ahead of the third place healthy backstop Brian McCann. An afterthought in most leagues, Ruiz can provide solid catcher production in OBP leagues at virtually no cost. Pencil Ruiz in for a .365 OBP, eight HRs and 50+ runs and RBIs.

Nick Swisher: Nick Swisher in an on base cyborg. When you throw out Ryan Braun, Jose Bautista and Lance Berkman, Swisher has the fourth best OBP over the last three seasons (behind Matt Holliday, Shin-soo Choo and Carlos Beltran). With Swisher’s .365 OBP and the Yankee line-up, runs and RBIs will be there. He’ll also add good pop and, best of all, you don’t have to worry about his .255 average.

Ben Zobrist: Zobrist, who walks at a great clip, has the ability to post the second best OBP at the position (behind Dustin Pedroia). A basic 20-20 guy with 100 runs and RBI potential, Zobrist takes a massive step forward in OBP leagues when they do away with his .260 average.

OBP Sleeper Values

Daric Barton: Over the last three seasons (1,158 plate appearances), Barton has a .373 OBP. He crashed and burned last season, but still posted an above average walk rate. If healthy, Barton should post a .365 OBP with 10 or so HRs, 80 runs and 70 RBIs. He could be a sneaky value in OBP leagues.

Jack Cust: Like Barton, Cust was horrible last year. However he had a .366 OBP from 2009-2011 and is moving from two difficult parks (Oakland and Seattle) to the hitter friendlier Houston and NL Central. In the easier league, Cust’s walk rate should play tremendously, possibly to the tune of a .370 OBP. He could also add 20-25 HRs and solid RBIs. As a flier, Cust’s upside makes the gamble reasonable.

Dexter Fowler: If only Fowler knew how to steal bases! His .365 OBP and 12.1% walk rate last season was a good step forward and echoed his minor league successes. He’ll likely only produce two categories: runs and OBP, but has a decent shot at 20 steals and upside to more if he ever figures out how to use his speed.

Jason Heyward: While Heyward hasn’t quite become a star, he knows how to get on base (13.2% walk rate, .362 OBP). In addition, his legitimate and realistic upside to 20+ HRs and 15 SBs make him worth reaching for in drafts. As he gets on base, he’ll score runs and has a solid shot at triple digits. At the worst, you have a solid run and OBP contributor with a little pop and speed.

Nate McLouth: Aside from a rough 2010, McLouth has shown above average on base skills. In fact, he posted double digit walk rates in every season since 2007, excepting 2008. As a late flier, McLouth makes a ton of sense. He should post a .345 OBP, get close to double digit HRs and steals and provide somewhat solid counting stats.

Geovany Soto: Soto’s treacherous average makes betting on his power unreasonable in average leagues. However, his 11.8% walk rate and .348 OBP solidify his power. As a catcher capable of 17-20 HRs with a .340 OBP, he is a clear top 10 option.

Those that get hurt in OBP leagues

Adrian Beltre: Beltre has been a good hitter throughout his career, especially since his escape from Seattle (.309 average last two seasons). However, he averages just 41 walks a season and has only posted two OBPs above .331 since 2001. His 2011 OBP was lower than that of Edwin Encarnacion, Ryan Roberts, Evan Longoria, Aramis Ramirez, Kevin Youkilis and Michael Young, whereas he had the third highest average among qualifiers at the position last year. He simply doesn’t walk enough and projecting and OBP over .335 is silly. While he remains a top seven option or so, hot corner specialists like Ryan Zimmerman, Youkilis and others can have more of an impact in OBP leagues.

Starlin Castro: There are a ton of shortstops with small gulfs between their averages and OBPs. Castro, who hit .307, is one of those. His average last season was only behind Troy Tulowitzki, however his OBP trailed eight shortstops. Given his age, there is optimism for growth, however Castro loses some luster in OBP leagues.

Robinson Cano: Cano has been a batting average superstar for much of his career. However, aside from 2010, he’s never been an on base machine. Last season, his OBP was seventh at the position and over the last three seasons is fifth. Meanwhile, Dustin Pedroia is an OBP dynamo. Certainly swapping average for OBP closes the gap between Cano and Pedroia. In this format, I wouldn’t mind passing on Cano and securing Pedroia.

Ian Desmond: Desmond just isn’t very good, so we shouldn’t be surprised he gets dinged in OBP leagues. His career .304 OBP was actually better than his effort last season, even though he improved his walk rate. There’s some optimism that Desmond can get his OBP to the .310-.320 range as he did improve his walks and cut down on swinging strikes and swinging at balls, however, over the last three seasons, roughly 30 shortstops have averaged OBPs over .315.

Alcides Escobar: In OBP formats, Escobar becomes a true one-category producer. His career .294 OBP is putrid and he has shown no signs of improvement (his walk rate declined in 2011, he chased more balls out of the zone and swung and missed more). He might be good for 25 steals, but that’s all he’s good for in fantasy.

Jeff Francoeur: Over the last three seasons, Francoeur’s .314 OBP is 75^th among OFs, nestled between Aaron Rowand and Luke Scott. While his OBP improved last season, it was in large part thanks to a .323 BABIP and .285 AVG – he didn’t walk anymore and actually struck out more than normal. It is prudent to temper expectations for Francoeur in OBP leagues, especially because if that OBP suffers he’ll have no chance of reaching 20 steals again.

Ichiro: Just like Dunn has been the perennial gainer in OBP leagues, Ichiro has been the perennial loser. His .351 OBP over the last three seasons is 30^th among OFs, while his .312 average is third. While many expect a bounce back, Ichiro is unlikely to post an OBP above .345, which, last season, would have tied him for 28th at the position. OBP leagues take away one of Ichiro’s calling cards: his superior average and relegate him to #3/#4 OF status.

Adam Jones: Jones really likes to swing the bat; his swing percentages have gone up pretty much across the board every season. In fact, his O-Swing% (the percentage of pitches a batter swings at outside the strike zone) is at Vlad Guerrero levels. While he has been able to post solid averages, his swinging has translated to miniscule walk rates. He’s a fine option for average leagues, but his OBP over the last three seasons is 70th among OFs. In addition, his OBP has been trending downward: .335 in 2009, .325 in 2010 and .319 in 2011.

I didn’t drop the ball on the keeper posts, things took precedence during the season.  But, guess what?  Keepers are back every Friday, so let’s talk keepers, boo.  In fact, let’s talk Starlin Castro.  That commie bastage.  In 2011, his line looked like 91/10/66/.307/22.  That was hitting third or higher (mostly leadoff) for a Cubs team that found a bread-crumbed rat in its offensive fried chicken.  You can’t argue with those numbers.  I mean, you can, but then you’d be arguing with numbers and that makes you crazy.  You may as well be wearing a suit of someone else’s hair while ripping tags off of mattresses at a department store.  Seriously, write loco on your neck and tell the pretty girl to stop looking pretty because she’s making you uncomfortable with your Hantz tattoo that is hard to read even after you spell it out for people.  So what can we expect of Starlin Castro for next year, and what makes him a 2012 fantasy baseball keeper?

With a .344 BABIP, Castro hit .307, but he wasn’t necessarily lucky.  He tends to have a slightly bloated BABIP, if the past indicates the odd future.  He will give you a .300 average every day and twice on Muesday.  He opens a portal to another world where Syd Barrett is playing guitar and BABIPs are inflated.  Truth.  Face it.  At 21 years old, Castro had 207 hits.  I remember when that meant something.  Strangely enough, I don’t remember what it meant.  Probably that the hitter got a lot of plate appearances, which Castro did — 715 PAs, which is the same amount of PAs Michael Bay had on Pearl Harbor.  I do think the 10 homers is around Castro’s ceiling for the next year or two.  Mark him down for 7 to 12 HRs. His steals last year also look about peaked.  For 2012, you’re going to get around 18 to 25.  I’m not usually a big fan of this type of player.  The type that gives his value on average and counting stats.  If he has an unlucky year, a lot of his value could go out the window.  That window being metaphorical but lined with the loveliest curtains.  What it comes back to with Castro, you’re getting him for next year cheaper than his value will be because of where you drafted him last year.  It’s all about keepers, ya’ll!  For 2012, I’d put him down for 100/8/60/.315/24.  The runs and RBIs may tweak a little from now until March depending on what the Cubs do with their offense during the offseason, but that’s pretty close to what you’re getting.  So you got fidelity for Castro?  You best.

In the next few days, the Diamondbacks are bringing up their top pitching prospect, Jarrod Parker, to work relief.  He’s a starter though, so it’ll be “Parker poseur” for all you indie kids out there with dark-rimmed glasses, smoking American Spirits.  In 2009, Stephen wrote, “(His) elbow tightness, that caused him to be DL’d on August 5th leading to a visit to Dr. Freeze’s office, is either a bad thing or a precautionary visit.  Speaking of which, I’d like to send Grey to the doctor’s office with my fist in his face.”  Hmm… That last line totally snuck past me the first time.  So, as we all know, no one goes to Dr. Freeze for precautionary reasons.  Parker missed the entire 2010 season after Tommy John surgery.  That’s a long time to eat Jell-O.  Unless you can eat solids after Tommy John surgery.  I don’t know, I’m not a doctor.  This year Parker’s rebounded nicely.  His stats (7.71 K-rate, 3.79 ERA) don’t read like he’s all the way back, but the Diamondbacks are promoting him and will allow him to compete for a 2012 rotation spot.  I trust the Diamondbacks’ judgment more than other teams and would absolutely take a flyer on Parker in keeper/NL-Only leagues.   Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dontrelle Willis – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, 12 baserunners and the last person who still had faith in Willis’ comeback lost it — Todd Bridges.

Juan Francisco – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  I’m gonna let you in on a little secret.  Lean close to the monitor so the guy reading over your shoulder can’t hear.  Okay, not that close, you’re gonna ruin your eyes.  I’m gonna like Juan Francisco a lot next year if he comes away with a starting job.  I mean, a lot.  Hang a big blinking sign on him that says sleeper.  You know what I’m saying?  Yeah, you do.  Okay, now back away from the monitor, it’s getting weird.

Brandon Phillips – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers.  I’m pretty surprised Phillips has been healthy and his power (14 HRs) and speed (10 SBs) are so down.  At 30 years old, he shouldn’t be falling off already.  Bring back steroids!

Brad Lincoln – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Stupid Lincoln!  I’m glad you’ve fallen behind Kennedy and Washington in modern day popularity polls.

Neil Walker – 3-for-4.  When he hit 2 homers in the first week of the season, I had such high hopes for this schmohawk.  He’s now hit 10 homers in the last 22 weeks.  That’s less than a half homer per week.  A half of a homer is a double.  So less than that means he’s stopping between first and second?  So useless.  I hate you, Neil Walker.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Can we say he was the one bright spot on the Cubs season?  Unless you count Big Z wearing a burlap sack muumuu and hailing a taxi to Crazy-ville.

Jeff Baker – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  It’s nice, but they don’t play him every day so it’s only worthwhile to note it in very deep leagues.

Brett Myers – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Phils.  I didn’t trust him for this start, but on a more important note.  His beard looks like it was art directed by Tim Burton.  Or he looks like he’s in The Hart Foundation.

Roy Oswalt – 7 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Charlie Manuel, “I said bring your “A” game, not a game!  Now where’s my straw for chewing?”

Chase Utley – Scheduled his second concussion test.  Guess he forgot he already took one.

Eric Surkamp – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks vs. the Padres.  He got the win, but this is his 2nd start against the Padres that hasn’t exactly made me a believer for this year.

Brent Morel – Had his 2nd 2 homer game in the last week.  My what a fancy mushroom you are! If you’re desperate for power, I could see taking a flyer hoping that he’ll stay hot for another two weeks.

John Danks – 5 IP, 7 ER.  My hate for Neil Walker is nothing compared to what I have for Danks.  I am Sideshow Bob and Danks is Bart.

Rafael Furcal – 2-for-5, hitting .292 over the last week with 2 steals.  He says he needs to get on base to steal bases.  Props to his baserunning coach.  Teaching some heavy shizz over there in St. Louis.  Next lesson:  After You Hit The Ball, Run To First.  Break it up into two parts so you don’t lose anyone.

Josh Willingham – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and The Other White Meat now has 2 homers in his last 4 games.  When he hits them, he hits them in bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana.

Andrew Bailey – Wasn’t able to go yesterday because of being hit on the head by a Kurt Suzuki line drive.  Bailey said, “I’d be on a stretcher if it wasn’t for those Oakley sunglasses.”  Charles Oakley said, “You’d be on a stretcher if you took my sunglasses.”

Miguel Olivo – 2-for-4 with his 18th homer.  Speaking of hitting them in bunches, Olivo does too and this was his 2nd homer in four days.

Jeff Niemann – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He gets the Sawx next which sounds like a sad trombone until you realize he has a 1.06 ERA vs. them in 17 innings this year.

Joel Peralta – Struck out three in a perfect inning for the save.  Stop circling your prey, save vultures, and swoop in.

Ryan Raburn – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer.  He’s been so yawnstipating this year it’s hard for me to build up much excitement for him, but this could be the start of a week run of hotness.

Erick Aybar – On Sunday, he went 4-for-5 and yesterday he hit a homer.  EA is in the game.

Josh Beckett – Set to return this weekend.  We’re left waiting for Beckett to see if he’ll return to lay an existential egg.

Coco Crisp – Will miss at least three more days.  Snap, crackle, crap.

Manny Ramirez – Was arrested after a domestic dispute.  Maybe he was mad because his wife took his last fertility pill.  “Now how is Manny gonna be womanny?!”

B.J. Upton went o-for-3 or one-for-four if you count him hitting the outfield wall.  You say unfeeling, I say how dare he start in front of Desmond Jennings.  I sat down to watch this game wearing my dress made of doilies with Desmond Jennings’s face on each doilie, i.e., my Desmond tutu, only to find him benched.  How dare you, sir.  In fact, I’m bringing out the douchey one word per sentence thing.  How. Dare. You. Sir.  Upton’s day-to-day with a shoulder strain.  He’ll probably miss a few days, unless he thinks he’s going to play instead of Jennings.  Then I might have to Gillooly someone.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jeff Niemann – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He was so close to putting together another solid game.  Too bad I don’t have him on my fantasy horseshoe team.

Evan Longoria – 2-for-4 with his 21st homer.  I don’t own him anywhere so my motives are a bit tainted, but I hope he finishes up the year with a sub-.240 average.  If he somehow falls into the 3rd round next year, color me excited.

Jimmy Rollins – To the DL with a Grade 2 strain of the groin.  That’s crazy advanced.  I never strained my groin until, like, the 8th grade.

Cliff Lee – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Mets.  It was so easy that he walked 3 batters just to see what it feels like.

John Mayberry – Another day, another HR.  That’s 11 HRs in 189 ABs this  year.  Raul Ibanez has 5 more HRs in 240 more ABs.  Cust kayin’, Charlie.

Hunter Pence – 2 for 3, 4 runs, 2 RBIs as he clearly is taking to the city of Tastykakes and Cheese Steaks.  It’s got to make Ruben Amaro feel better that his fleecing of Ed Wade isn’t limited to just pitchers (Oswalt, Lidge).

Jose Constanza – Left yesterday’s game with an ankle sprain.  Fredi is probably finding out if Constanza can play on crutches instead of playing Heyward.  Hey, Constanza, the ocean called, it’s running out of non-phenoms.

Tommy Hanson – Said his shoulder feels fine.  You know what I don’t like?  When a pitcher feels the need to say his shoulder feels fine.  Can all pitchers agree to go mum on the whole shoulder business?  Mum is the word, is the word, is the word…

Jonny Venters – Got the save yesterday because Kimbrel had been used a lot recently and Venters had been used a lot recently but Venters’s life coach is Scott Proctor.

Nate Eovaldi – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Reminds me a bit of John Ely when he first was called up.  Hey, whatever happened to John Ely?

James Loney – 7 for his last 8.  Yawn.  Wake me when he gets his homers into the double digits.

Travis Hafner – To the DL with a strained right foot.  He stepped on his old football helmet that was being used as a beer cooler during a recent BBQ.

Ross Detwiler – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Has put together four straight decent starts.  Yes, ‘decent’ is less than a quality start.  I wouldn’t grab him in any league.  Yes, I’m only talking about him because yesterday was a short schedule day.

Adrian Beltre – Ran at 75% yesterday.  I walk at 35% with a cane and a limp while wearing a chinchilla fur coat.

Justin Morneau – Out with a sore foot, but the good news is, depending on whether you own him or not, his x-rays were negative.  The bad news, again dependent on ownership, he’s going for an MRI on Tuesday if his foot isn’t feeling better.  Now try and figure out what you’re hoping for.

Chris Narveson – After throwing 5 1/3 shutout innings, he left his start with a cracked fingernail.  That once knocked my mom out of action for an entire afternoon.  Couldn’t make me lunch or anything.  Godspeed, Narveson.  Maybe you can get an endorsement with Lee Press-On.

Zack Greinke – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Greinkes!  Just when you think it’s safe to start him everywhere every time out, he gets dunderblown by the Pirates.

Alex Avila – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in the last four games.  He’s also hitting .429 in August.  I wouldn’t defrost Ted Williams’s head just yet, but he is having a solid year.

Mike Napoli – 1-for-4 with his 21st homer.  He’s also batting .293 on the year.  Aren’t you glad you got him off your team back in April?  What a relief!

Ben Revere – 1-for-5 but probably made the best play of the year.  Too bad my fantasy league doesn’t have a Web Gems category.

J.D. Martinez – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and 5 for his last nine with a homer.  Must… resist… urge… to… pick… up… Astros… hitters.

Brian Bogusevic – Hit his 4th homer yesterday.  Before you think about picking him up, remember he’s a herbathrowdite.

Ryan Ludwick – 1-for-4 with a homer.  The Pirates trade deadline deal is paying immediate dividends!

Jose Tabata – 5-for-9 in the doubleheader, has now hit in every game since his return with two homers.  He’s at 31% owned in ESPN leagues.  Even assuming 50% of ESPN leagues are abandoned, that figure seems low.

Andrew McCutchen – Sat out the nightcap and Daniel McCutchen got the win.  Wait a second, I saw that episode of Family Ties when Alex had two dates to the prom.  Did Daniel McCutchen enter the game wearing a different color tie?

Starlin Castro – Received a mental day off yesterday.  The Cubs gave Carlos Zambrano 4 mental days off out of 5 and look how well that turned out.

Ryan Madson went to the DL with numbness in his pitching hand.  Hello, bullpen?  Is there anybody in there?  Just nod if you can hear me.  Brad Lidge is due back in a few weeks.  AHHHHH!  Now you feel a little sick.  Antonio Bastardo would be the immediate add for vulture saves.  That’ll keep you going through the show.  Come on, it’s time to go.  But that Bastardo is a lefty, so Michael Stutes could get some saves.  Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying.  Michael Stutes could get some saves.  Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying.  Michael Stutes– Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying.  Forget it, I’d grab Bastardo if I were in desperate need for saves.  Unless you have become comfortably numb.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brett Cecil – The man who sounds like a 70′s Playboy pinup has returned from Triple-A.  During the preseason, I put Cecil in a tier of starters called, “There’s some upside here, but I wouldn’t expect anything,” and said more or less that Cecil was once considered better than Romero.  There’s signs of a terrific K-rate in the minors, the Jays have watched his innings well and he cut his walk rate last year.  Great, wonderful, fantastic!  Unfortunately, he’s still in the AL East, his K-rate last year was terrible and he was hideous in April this year.  And that’s me copying, pasting, liberally quoting and adding addendums to me!

Shin-Soo Choo – As I reported here on Monday after inferring shizz from other sites, Choo’s out until September, having surgery on his thumb.  I’d lose him in redraft leagues where you don’t have DL room.  What a waste of a draft pick.  Ah, Choo… Bless you.

Doug Davis – 4 1/3 IP, 10 ER.  The Cubs should reduce their DD.  It’s just sloppy.

Starlin Castro – 1-for-9 for the doubleheader.  For when someone does terrible on both sides of a doubleheader, it sounds like we need an alternate glossary definition for a player dropping a deuce.

Ryan Vogelsong – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s totally charmed right now.  He actually gets hit in this game as he should be and the Giants score the most runs they have all year. (This wasn’t fact checked, but it’s probably accurate.)

Miguel Tejada – 3-for-6 with a home run.  They must have some great B-12 in Chicago.

Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  About a month ago, we almost pulled the trigger on a trade of Heath Bell and Pence for Cliff Lee.  With Pence’s injury and Bell about to be traded, could see that being one that we Mr. Bungled.

Jonathan Broxton – Will be out for at least a month and a half.  Mattingly said he’d consider it a bonus if Broxton pitched again this year.  Doesn’t a bonus come on top of something good?  Where is Strunk & White to let them know it’s not correct grammar to say something like, “My best friend is sleeping with my wife, but I’d consider it a bonus if he used a condom.”

Javy Guerra – He’s the guy to own in the Dodgers bullpen. (For that one save opportunity every month or so.)

Ted Lilly – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Last time out, I said he was unstartable, but then I saw he was facing the Twins in the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome and I decided to give it a whirl.  Now, Lilly and I are done.  Lose my number.  Wait, he gets the Mets next time out.  Why can’t I quit you?!

Nick Swisher – 2-for-4 with his third home run in the last 5 games.  Looks like Swisher is finally playing as hot as those sideburns make him look.  Wait, what?  Umm… Awkward… Umm… Yeah, I’d grab Swisher.  In fantasy!  Um, leagues.

Eduardo Nunez – 1-for-3 with 2 steals.  That’s nice, but he’s not long for a starting job.  Pasta Diving is up and running.

Vernon Wells – 4-for-5 and his 10th home run.  Told you last week to grab him, then again on Monday.  Don’t make me keep talking about Vernon Wells.  Please.

J.J. Hardy – 1-for-4 and his 4th home run in the last 10 games while batting near .350 in the last week.  I wish I knew how to repay him other than sending him a giant cake that I’m gonna jump out of in my birthday suit.  And to think baseball players don’t like fantasy baseball nerds.  Pfft!

Zack Greinke – 2 IP, 7 ER vs. Yankees for the Bronx cheer.

Josh Johnson – Headed to see his old friend Dr. Freeze because his shoulder’s not 100%.  Hundred percent called and said it’s never heard of Josh Johnson’s shoulder.

Josh Beckett – 6 IP, 5 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K.  A’la Nelson Muntz, “HA HA!”

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4 with 2 home runs.  Now has three home runs in his last three games.  He won’t dazzle your retinas for long periods of time, but he does look like he’s hot.  Get on board!

Kyle Lohse – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  His K-rate is under 5… C’mon.  Seriously.  That’s ridiculous.

Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3 with a home run.  Now has two homers in the last four games and a hit in each of his last five.  It ain’t Rasmus burning on the dance floor, but it’s a start.  Geiger, let’s go!

Jose Reyes – 4-for-4 and his 29th steal, hitting .349 on the year.  Haven’t talked much about Reyes this year because every time I look at him I think about how I wished I owned him on every team and it annoys me.

Jason Bay – Him and Beltran hit grand slams in consecutive innings.  Only took three years but the Mets team is really starting to come together.  Too bad they’re about to dismantle them.

Wily Mo Pena – 1-for-1 with a pinch hit home run.  All Wily Mo does is hit homers!  No, really, that’s all he does.

J.J. Putz – Gave up a run on Monday and two runs on Tuesday to blow the save.  His ERA is up to 3.12 after starting the month at 1.57.  Putz’s blown (hehe) four games this month.  I’d grab David Hernandez where you’re desperate for saves.

Chase D’Arnaud – 0-for-4 with a steal.  He’s now started three games in a row at 3rd base for the Pirates. In the minors, he stole 33 of 40 last year and 17 of 20 this year.  He can’t do much but steal, but maybe he’ll try and prove his worth and, ya know, steal.  In deeper leagues, I could see taking the SAGNOF flyer.

Kevin Correia – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks and his 10th win.  Of course he has ten wins.  Why wouldn’t he?!  It’s Kevin Correia on the Pittsburgh Pirates!  I hate wins.

Alex Presley – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his first home run.  Will see significant time with Tabata to the DL for at least three weeks.  Yes, you should pick up Presley.  Now if only Fleer still did those novelty cards like Black & Blue with Bud Black and Vida Blue, so we could have an Elvis (Andrus) & (Alex) Presley card.  Or Fister-Moore.

Johnny Damon – Went 4-for-6 on Sunday and 2-for-4 with a home run yesterday.  Hard for me to give you much enthusiasm for him, so let’s just say he’s seeing the ball well and move on.

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He wasn’t quite vintage Hommy, but it’s good to have him back.  (Even though I don’t own him…Why again didn’t I draft him?  Dah!)

Ichiro Suzuki – Hit his first home run of the year as he bats almost fifty points below his career average.  Wow, he got old fast.  He might be 52 years old.  See, I have this theory that all Asians look young up until 51 years old, then when they turn 52, they look ancient.  It’s the Law of Pat Morita.  Morita was young looking on Happy Days and under the age of 52.  Then Morita turned 52 years old, was in The Karate Kid and looked ancient.

Gio Gonzalez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 3 Walks, 9 Ks.  The Gio Grande is obviously no place for Marlins.

Rich Harden – Will be activated on Friday (and DL’d on Saturday).  I wouldn’t bother with him.  He hasn’t pitched more than 4 2/3 IP in any game so far in his rehab, which is hilarious to me.  “Just keep him healthy long enough for me to trade him.”  That’s Brad Pitt playing the part of Billy Beane.  Making room for Harden, Graham Godfrey is moving to the bullpen to the dismay of all the pitchers out there who can’t stand his loud, piercing voice and his penchant for roasting other pitchers.  “People think Brian Fuentes is a bad guy because he bad-mouthed Bob Geren.  They are incorrect.  He’s a bad man because he KILLED A MEXICAN IN A COLORADO SLAUGHTERHOUSE.  WITH HIS OWN HANDS.  HE DIDN’T EVEN USE THE MEAT GRINDER.  YOU EXPECT THAT FROM A KRAUT LIKE MICHAEL WUERTZ.  BUT IT WAS FUENTES.  AGAINST ONE OF HIS OWN PEOPLE!”  That’s Graham Godfrey.