Fantasy Baseball Advice

The Fantasy Baseball Hall of Fame (in conjunction with Razzball.com) is a new website dedicated to recognizing the accomplishments of Major League ballplayers during the “fantasy era” (1980-present). The greatest of these players will be elected to the Fantasy Baseball Hall of Fame.

Only five pitchers of the fantasy era have attained the 65 point bogey the FBHOF uses as the baseline for batter inductions.  The reason for this is simple – the best pitchers contribute in just four categories while the best batters contribute in five.  The question then becomes – is it fair to hold this against those players who make their living 60 ft 6 inches from the batter?

I don’t have a great answer.  One on hand I routinely thought back to the class of Catchers while formulating the pitcher induction process.  This class as you will recall enshrined just one lone inductee, Mike Piazza.  I tried to justify this way of thinking for use on the pitchers, if it’s acceptable to have one catcher, is it not also acceptable to have a relative few pitchers?  On the other hand, a catcher has the potential to contribute in each of five categories but usually do not since the position is so specialized and demanding.  A starting pitcher however, can not accumulate saves due to the manner in which he used by the team – it’s not for a lack of ability on his part, they simply aren’t used in that fashion.

As a result, I decided the 65 point mark needs to be reduced and basic math skills make this a straightforward matter.  A batter must accumulate, on average, 13 points in each of the 5 offensive categories to reach 65.  A pitcher therefore, should need to accumulate 52 points (13 x 4 = 52) to be considered for the FBHOF.

Still, some issues arise for which I have no great answer.  For example, the best pitcher of the fantasy era, Randy Johnson, easily has the best FBHOF score and best Peak Score ever, even when adding batters to the mix.  While contributing in just 4 categories, Johnson outperforms Alex Rodriguez, Barry Bonds, Albert Pujols, etc.  That is impressive.  Almost as impressive is that three of the top four peak scores belong to pitchers as well, with Pedro Martinez and Greg Maddux coming in at 3rd and 4th.  Is it then fair to reduce the pitching overall requirements if pitchers have the 3 of the best 4 peak scores of all time?

In the end I think Johnson, Martinez, and Maddux were the exceptions that proved the rule.  Only a handful of starting pitchers over the past 28 years have been good enough hang with the batters and we therefore need to adjust.  By moving the minimum score down to 52, eight more starters are enshrined to give us a total of 13.

Since there are so many pitchers we’ll break the inductions out into two articles.  Today we’ll look at the 13th through 6th best fantasy pitchers of all time, saving the elite five for next week.

David Cone
One thing we are to find is only the rarest of pitchers don’t have significant flaws when looking at the five year peak.  Take our ‘worst’ pitching Fantasy baseball Hall of Famer as an example. Cone was very good for a long time, but never great.  He was never the best overall pitcher in any one season, nor was he ever the 2nd best.  He did achieve 3rd twice, but on average, his rank was 4.8 in his five year peak.

What Cone has over his peers is the fact that he was very good for a long time (by pitcher standards anyways) as only 5 other pitchers have more “7 point FBHOF” seasons than Cone does.  Yet Cone’s best season is ranked just 69th best of the Fantasy Era.

Bret Saberhagen
Without his hallmark season of 1989 Saberhagen likely falls just short of FBHOF requirements.  “Sabe’s” easily won the Cy Young award this year garnering 27 of 28 possible first place votes.  It was warranted too.  With a line of 23 W, 0.96 WHIP, 2.16 ERA, and 193 K’s he led the league in all but strikeouts.  He was also great in 1994 (2.74 ERA, 1.03 WHIP) but, like Cone before him, never had the 3rd elite fantasy season, even ranking a fairly low  20th best in his 5th best season.  And if 20th doesn’t sound that bad, realize that it’s also 89th overall when considering all positions.

Fernando Valenzuela
Raise your hand if you remembered Valenzuela’s fantasy worthy season in 1996.  Mine is down, and I surmise most of yours are too.  We all know how good the man was in 1981 and 1982 (2.65 ERA, 1.10 WHIP if you forgot) but what strikes me the most interesting was his ‘96 season of 172 IP and 3.62 ERA.  It only fractionally helps his FBHOF case, but I had thought he was done in the late 1980’s.  Overall, Valenzuela has four Top-5 seasons to his credit with a fifth season ranked 12th before he faded into mediocrity.

Dwight Gooden
Gooden’s rookie campaign in 1984 (17 W, 1.07 WHIP, 2.60 ERA, 276 K) promised one of the brightest futures in memory.  One year later the assurance of greatness was all but guaranteed as the 20-year old New York Met pitched through the second most excellent fantasy season of all time.  “Doc” led all starters in Wins, ERA, and Strikeouts and placed a close second in WHIP behind John Tudor, who was having a career year of his own.  This gave Gooden back to back titles for fantasy pitcher of the year and a two year FBHOF point total of 32, a mark bested by only a select few.

Gooden was still Top-10 Quality the following year when 17 Wins, a 2.84 ERA, and 200 K’s placed him 8th among pitchers.  His dominance was diminishing though.  The graph below charts Gooden’s K/9 rate throughout his career and while it was perennially very good, there was also a world of difference between his rate of 11.4 in 1984 and 7.2 two years later.

Still among the better class of pitchers for the remainder of his 5 year peak, Gooden turned in 3 more Top-25 quality seasons, amassing 61 wins and 647 K’s between 1987 and 1990.

Steve Carlton
Carlton’s FBHOF case is likely the most interesting one we’re to come across.  His career started in 1965, eliminating a full 15 years of his career due to the 1980 cutoff.  During these 15 years, the real life HOF’er racked up 225 wins and over 2600 strikeouts, all of which have no bearing on enshrinement here.  Further, his fantasy career was effectively over in just his 6th year and worse, Carlton’s career as a top-40 pitcher lasted only 4 seasons.  He makes the grade because he made the most of these four seasons between 1980 and 1984.

In ‘80 and ‘82 he was the best fantasy pitcher on the planet – averaging 24 Wins, 286 K, with a 1.12 WHIP and 2.72 ERA.  In 1981 he finished 2nd among pitchers and his three year peak score totaled 45.7 points, 5th highest on record.

Carlton was still very good in 1983 – 7th best thanks to 15 Wins and 275 K’s, but was woefully close to average in 1984, which is all to understandable given the fact he was 39 years of age.  His career was over 3 years later and was a non-fantasy impact from 1985-1987, but for the early part of the 1980’s Carlton left his mark on fantasy baseball as one of the inner circle elite.

John Smoltz
The lifetime Atlanta Brave has had two careers with the organization.  The first was as a starter from 1988 through early June of 2001 and then again between the years of 2005 and 2007.  During this time Smoltz pitched like a Hall of Famer, frequently finishing among the best pitchers in the game (he has ten Top-15 seasons) and ended 1996 as the best pitcher in fantasy baseball.  Between these periods he became one of the best closers in the game as well, compiling 154 saves, with a 2.65 ERA and 1.10 WHIP.

The saves end up not mattering all that much however, as his value to fantasy owners was almost entirely as a starting pitcher.  His best year as a closer came in 2002 when he reached the 55 save mark, yet this resulted in just 4.7 FBHOF points, just the 12th best season of his career.

This brings us to his FBHOF achievements.  Smoltz’s five year peak score of 52.4 hails from a lone stellar season (1996) and 4 other very good ones (1992, 1997, 2006, and 2007).  Incredibly, this gives Smoltz quite a long tenure as a high end fantasy pitcher, with 15 years between his ‘great’ seasons.

Johan Santana
Santana hasn’t had five full seasons in the majors yet is already ranked in the top half of the best pitchers of the fantasy era.  Sooner, rather than later, he will no doubt eventually move up to claim a top-5 position all to himself.

Interestingly enough, despite three great seasons from 2004-2006, Santana attained the #1 pitcher ranking just once in 2006.  During the three years, he averaged 18 Wins, 249 K’s, a 0.96 WHIP, and 2.75 ERA but in 2004 was out shown by Rand Johnson and the following season, Chris Carpenter bested him too.  This is by no means a fault of Santana’s, as after all, he was pitching in the Hitters League at the time.

Kevin Brown
Kevin Brown had some fantastic seasons that slipped my mind (likely after his dismal ALCS appearance with the Yankees in 2004) and frankly his name rarely enters a discussion when naming the great pitchers we’ve been blessed with over the past 15 years.  In truth, only Pedro Martinez was a better fantasy pitcher during Browns peak years of 1996-2000, and Martinez is a 1st ballot Hall of Famer most often compared to the immortal Sandy Koufax.

1988 was Brown’s best season.  He struck out 257 batters in the same number of innings, won 18 games, and recorded a 2.38 ERA.  This provided him with 13.9 FBHOF points, 29th best all time.  In 1996 his rate stats were off the charts (0.94 WHIP, 1.89 ERA) but struck out just 159 batters in 233 innings, holding down his fantasy value considerably.  Most important to his FBHOF resume are his two other seasons where he achieved the oft sought 10 point season:  1999 (18 W, 1.07 WHIP, 221 K) and 2000 (0.99 WHIP,  2.58 ERA).  This is important because it marks Brown as is the first pitcher we have seen with four double digit FBHOF seasons plus a very good 5th best.

Next week we finish the starting pitchers with the Elite Five, the few that could have been inducted even if we left the requirements at 65 points.  For now, a summary of the peak scoring of today’s honorees:

I’m not the most sentimental of guys. I prefer a good donkey show to an Annie Potts Lifetime show, but I gotta be honest, I was somewhat sad to hear the news on Smoltz. At his news conference, I liked when he said this, “I don’t ever want to stick around throwing 85 MPH and trying to paint corners like a little bitch. Oh, hey Tom…didn’t see you there…” I warned everyone a month ago that Smoltz may not be able to close games again and to trade him quick fast. Yesterday, one person, who heeded my advice, approached me at the supermarket while I waited in line to buy crumpets. They shook my hand and said this, “Grey, thanks for getting me out of Smoltz when you did.” As I smiled, they continued, “And your mustache is much fuller in person.” It is. You’re welcome. Looking at the Smoltz replacements,  I’d rank the remaining Braves relievers: Soriano, Acosta then Gonzalez. This is also taking into consideration that in yesterday’s game, Acosta got the save chance and blew it. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Manny Parra – The title of today’s post was almost Manny Parradiso, but that will have to wait for another day. I like him as much as I’ve liked him all along, but that’s not to say I think he’s out of the woods completely. ‘Member he was going against the D-backs, a team not known for inducing walks. Something he has been prone to this year.

Carlos Pena – Fractured his left index finger on a hit by pitch. Surprising, because if someone could swing through a hit by pitch, our money was on Carlos Pena. For the record, here are the starting 1B in the AL East: Yanks – Giambi, Sawx – Youkilis, Orioles – Millar, Rays – Hinske, Jays – Overbay. Mattingly, Murray, Willie Upshaw…where are you?

Justin Duchscherer – Not often you catch old Grey by surprise, but Just-Dooks has done the trick so far this year. (BTW, the ‘27 Yankees/’08 Tigers comparisons in the March were a bit off. Cust kayin’.)

Mike Mussina – Joins Joe Saunders atop the AL Win lead with 9 wins. Proof that not only can pigs fly, but they can make cross-country flights.

Jose Reyes – 8 HR of the year yesterday. Don’t you love when your ‘all speed guy’ hits a home run.

Jered Weaver – Possible theory, the Weaver Bros. went home two seasons ago and Jered got a real talking to about making his big brother look bad. Momma Weaver, at the behest of Jeff, pulled Jered aside and said this, “Give up four runs a game like your brother, or I won’t love you anymore.” Jered went to see his Dad in the garage, “Your mother’s got her way, that’s for sure. Listen, you give up as many earned runs as you want. Now hand me that Phillip’s head.” So you see Jered’s torn for his love of the game and his mother’s love. We’ll see what eventually wins out, but he gave up four runs to the Mariners yesterday, so right now the apron strings are still pulling.

Corey Hart – Home run courtesy of Justin Upton. Should’ve been a single.

Carlos Gonzalez – Elias Sports Bureau reports that Carlos Gonzalez hit his fifth double yesterday in his sixth MLB game, which ties a record held by the Scooter Weetoeski, Carl “Red Curb” Tyler and Ox Lester. (Actually, Elias didn’t say any of that, but it sounds like something they might say. Here’s some other things that might have been overheard at the Elias Sports Bureau. “On June 2nd, the stapler was filled twice in one day for the first time since ‘99.” “On May 28th, Billy asked one person to call him William for the first time in three weeks.” “On April 22nd, there were four crullers thrown away that were clearly labeled, “Don’t Throw Away.” No other time in the history of Elias Sports Bureau has this happened.”

Hanley Ramirez – 2 HRs and a steal yesterday. Now has 11 HR/14 Steals. Almost exactly where he was last year at this time (8/16). Last year he had his 2nd biggest steal month of the season in May when he stole 10, this year he stole 4 in the month of May. His lowest steal total for a month in two years. Remember in spring training it was announced Hanley wouldn’t steal as much this year.

Aaron Cook – Have him on a few teams. Boring, right? Boring wins titles! Write that above your Barclay Lounger as you watch TV.

Brett Myers – 7 1/3 IP, 1 hit. Gets the loss. If anyone can console him, it’s his girlfriend. She’s used to getting beaten with one hit.

Edinson Volquez – Nothing to say, but he made Utley look stupid.

Corey Patterson – He’s back up. Now the Reds fans can go seamlessly from “Boo” to “Bruce.”

Brian Fuentes – Word on The Streets of New York is they need Fuentes to fill in for Joba. Maybe next year they can turn Fuentes into a three inning starter. Buchholz would take over if Fuentes moves, but I don’t see Fuentes going anywhere in the near future.

Clayton Kershaw – The Dodgers don’t need a 5th starter for 17 games, so Kershaw’ll have time to think about yesterday’s start over the next couple weeks in the Dodger bullpen. Maybe Saito and Chan Ho will teach him what’s up. Either that or he’s playing beer pong with Broxton.

Cliff Lee – Five runs in the first three innings? No, that’s not possible. Karabell said he’d win the fictitious Fantasy Cy Young.

Jhonny Peralta/Khalil Greene – I had these two schmohawks rated about the same in the preseason. Well, I got that right. Nice zerho for six night, Jhonny, when your team scores 15. I’m never picking a guy with H as his second letter in his first name unless it actually makes phonetic sense.

Milton Bradley/David Murphy – Yeah, Josh Hamilton is amazing, but let’s give some props to the guys hitting behind them. Bradley is at 36/12/38/.324 and Murphy is at 34/7/39/5/.292. It’s hard to imagine a trio of drug addict, rage addict, and an Irishman performing at these levels all year, but let’s give them their due. 3-1 odds that Bradley and Murphy get in a fight and Murphy’s friend Sully hits Bradley over the head with a beer bottle and Bradley hurts his hamstring on the way to the ground. I’m not betting against Hamilton because he’s found God.

David Ortiz went straight from DH to the DL. If there was any justice, he’d have at least gotten some time at DJ. So this is our rap ode, a ’sixteen’ if you know what I mean and watch Miss Rap Supreme….

David Ortiz – you partially tore your tendon,
Ain’t no good for slapping, ain’t no good for bendin’,
You’re the Big Papi…suckaz all try to copy,
Your belly’s like Buddha’s, theirs is lookin’ all sloppy.
Now you’re out of my lineup – ay dios mio,
My smile is gone, mi corazon es frio,
Thought I’d pick up Lyle Overbay – homey, I gotcha
Maybe LaRoche, is that French for cucaracha?
Sexson and Millar and Dmitri and Barton,
Have been MIA so long, they be on a milk carton.
Maybe I’ll trade – give up some relief pitchin’,
But even if it works, other leaguemates be bitchin’.
I’m pouring some out of my forty – that shit be real fittin’
Because that was the total of homers I thought you’d be hittin’
Now I got none other than Mike Jacobs,
Here’s hoping the Sawx are rained out 60 straight — need makeups!

Anyway, don’t bother with Sean (Big Yappy) Casey unless you’re in a Razzball league.  Here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Oliver Perez – There’s very few pitchers who can pitch well for three months at a time, yet you’re still waiting for the other shoe to drop. That thud you felt tonight. That was the shoe.

Jay Bruce – Hit another home run yesterday. SaltyBiscuits (this is his real name) had some observations in yesterday’s comments about Jay Bruce. I thought it was only fair to share — SaltyBiscuits, “I once saw Jay Bruce hit 3 home runs with one swing. He scored 11 runs on the play and was awarded 3 bonus rbi’s due to his sheer awesomeness.” “Anyone notice Jay Bruce’s strange top hand adjustment during his batting stance? He kind of takes his hand off the bat for a second, almost like he is fixing his jersey. Well, it turns out that the mechanism in question is government regulated. It was instituted to prevent Jay Bruce from using full strength during his swing, which would have sent batted baseballs thousands of miles into the atmosphere causing damage to aircraft, satellite and migrating birds.” “Bud Selig has decided that Jay Bruce is no longer permitted to hold his baseball bat in the traditional fashion. From this point forward, before each at bat, Jay Bruce is given the choice to either hold the bat upside down or swing blindfolded.”

Melky Cabrera – I gotta be honest with you, if his name was John Smith. I’m not sure I would ever mention him. Last seven games, Melky is hitting .350.

Jeremy Guthrie – He do what he do. Quality starts. That’s all he does. And lose. He does that too. Remind me never to watch the Orioles again. Very frustrating.

Albert Pujols/Chase Utley – I never looked at Yahoo fantasy baseball before this year. I thought Rotoarcade was the guy I call when my lady decides to put her female “stuff” down the toilet. So I checked out the “big board” the other day. These guys are lucky Hater Bell has his hands full with Eric Karabell. Pujols is having a solid season, but he’s number one? I have him on one ‘pert team. Let’s just say, I’d offer my Benihana Buddha collection for Chase Utley. That means something! Also, why is Tim Curry the guy in charge of this “big board?” I thought William Fichtner stole all of his gigs.

Adam Wainwright – Ill-timed home run by Jason Michaels. On a related note, I hate Jason Michaels.

John Smoltz – The old man blew a save. Maybe he was a little rusty from being 41 or from throwing three trillion innings in the last 20 years. If you have him, you better hope he’s fine because now you’ll officially be selling low. Not an ideal situation.

Ryan Spilborghs – Back and batting third for people who keep track of that sort of thing. Won’t last past Holliday’s return, but there’s value for a week.

Ian Stewart – Fifth game at 2nd base. He’s better than the Alex(e)i twins.

Ben Francisco – Hit a home run in the two hole. Recognize! Actually, I’ve cooled on him since I picked him up last week, but he’s still on one team. Not sure for how long. Maybe ‘ever! (Is that apostrophe cutting off an “n” or a “for?” You make the call!) (Actually, it’s probably a “for” since an “n” wouldn’t really make sense. And that folks is how you go back-to-back with parentheses!)

Casey Blake – 2 HRs/7 RBIs. Andy Marte can’t catch a break.

Josh Hamilton -16 HRs/65 RBIs which is roughly 77 HRs/180 RBIs in street value.

Aaron Laffey – Marginal fantasy pitcher + game in Arlington = ugly

Jake Westbrook – Thanks for punching the clock. You can go back on workers’ comp now.

Mark Teixeira – Hit a home run. If anyone’s keeping track of these things, Teixeira is a 2nd half hitter. Zoinks! (BTW, His last name breaks the ‘I” before “E” rule and it trips me up every time. I’d go with Tex, but that’s a lame nickname. Mex would work for me, but that’s Just For Men. If someone can come up with a good nickname for him, I’ll give you the geocaching coordinates of a treasure that only me and a Hasidic Rabbi know about and, because of kosher laws, I’m the only that can get to it!)

Matt Holliday hits the 15-day DL with a strained hamstring. I wouldn’t be surprised if he just sat for a few days and pushed through it if the Rockies were in a better position team-wise. Well, ain’t that a kick in the pants? In one NL-Only league I have Holliday, I’m pretty much screwed. Some people who are out there in some leagues (this is the order I’d pick them up, but, as always, it depends on needs): Mike Cameron, Bill Hall, David Murphy, Jose Guillen, Gary Matthews Jr. or Joey Gathright. Then there’s Seth Smith, another stopgap replacement for Matt Holliday, is the rookie call-up that should be replacing him (at least against righties) while Holliday’s on the DL. Is he worth a flier? Sure, but he’s got two strikes against him. 1) The Rockies seem convinced he’s nothing more than a pinch-hitter and 2) The Rockies have options in the outfield. Hopefully you have some maneuverability so you can just pickup a hot hitter and not have to worry if he’s an outfielder. Holliday swears he’ll be back in two weeks on June 8th; he better not pull a Kotchman. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday:

Clayton Kershaw – The most hyped non-Mexican, non-Jew Dodgers lefty of all-time. He has the kind of stuff that can battle back from being behind on hitters. Pretty impressive debut. Of course, his ownership is contingent on the farkakteh Yahoo waiver process. I know they are reading this, because they’ve linked here before, so I’m going to explain something to them. Everyone else can skip ahead. Rudy covered this already in one post; I’m adding my two cents. Yahoo, take everyone that is sent down to the minors and pull them from waivers until they are called back up. So if they are not currently rostered and they are in the minors, then they are unavailable. Rich Hill? Yup. Homer Bailey? Yup. Sidney Pollack? Well, he’s a film director, so he should be unavailable too. I prefer everyone is available, but obviously you can’t figure out how to do that. CBS Sportsline and ESPN are doing a lot better job than you, so I’m assuming it’s a financial decision on your part. Well, financially it can’t take much programming (I’m pretty computer-stupid, so I’m not sure about this) for you to simply make everyone in the minors unavailable. This way at least there’s an even playing field. Right now, some minor leaguers are available and others are not. It feels completely willy-nilly and it causes unnecessary confusion. Why would Jay Bruce be available and Clayton Kershaw not be? There’s no reason other than a complete lack of regard for your customers. If this is not rectified by next year, I will do everything in my power to direct people to any site other than Yahoo. Okay, carry on. And thanks for reading!

Kevin Kouzmanoff - A Padres hitter besides A-Gonz that is hot. Weird! Kouzmanoff was a preseason favorite of mine because I figured he’d build on his strong ‘07 second half. Well, it didn’t work out fully like that early on, but he is getting hot now. Here’s hoping he stays hot.

Aaron Cook – Sure, he averages four Ks a game if you count the front and back of his jersey, but he can be useful.

John Maine – If I have a pitcher facing another pitcher on my team or pitching at Coors, I almost always start him. I figure there’s no reason to have a guy if you’re not going to start him. Maine went against Cook today on my ten team mixed league and it worked out fine.

Jon Lester – Make-A-Wish sends Lester back out to do battle on his own.

Ryan Zimmerman – Being outslugged by Aaron Boone. Awesome!

Corey Hart – Last year he didn’t get hot until June. Hopefully that doesn’t mean he’s going to get cold a month earlier this year.

Manny Parra – I think a minor league stint might be in his future. As he’s been pretty, um, sub-Parra.

Cole Hamels – I hate to the bearer of bad news, but knowing Hamels, a bad outing means he’s injured. I sure hope I’m wrong. In his defense, he had a ten minute delay because Carlos Lee bonked the ump with his bat.

John Smoltz – Experienced tightness in his shoulder. The Braves don’t consider it setback. Nah, why would tightness in a shoulder be a problem for a pitcher over the age of forty? I told you two weeks ago to try and trade him if you don’t need saves. At this point, I’m thinking I’d trade him for another closer if you do need saves.

Daniel Cabrera – If you have high blood pressure, you may want to consult with a doctor or Leo Mazzone before adding Daniel Cabrera to your fantasy baseball team.

Nomar Garciaparra/Andruw Jones/Rafael Furcal – When Torre was asked how he felt about the injuries hitting Garciaparra, Jones and Furcal, Torre said, “Two out of three ain’t bad.”

Justin Verlander/C.C. Sabathia – Both pitched well, neither got the win. It’s like their poor Aprils pissed off their teams and now they’re not speaking. Maybe in their next start they can get makeup sex.

Josh Hamilton – He was ejected yesterday. Let’s hope it doesn’t send him on misbehavior spiral. Hopefully he just gets another tattoo and calls it a day.

Fausto Carmona – He’s expected to miss about four weeks with a strain in his left hip. Carmona was seen muttering, “Why can’t I have hips like C.C.? He’s got them good girthing hips.” For his owners, don’t worry, get Laffey. Actually, worry.

J.J. Putz – He blew a save to give the Yanks a three-game sweep. The Mariners management is contemplating whether to outsource the team to Asia.

Jorge Cantu – He hit two more home runs yesterday. What does Florida have to do to suck? Their owner must feel like the female owner in Major League.

Evan Longoria – He gets another big late inning hit. If it weren’t for all those early and mid innings, he’d be hitting higher than .246. Longoria is going to be great. Odds are it won’t be this year. There are more Gordons than Brauns.

Carlos Quentin – While Carlos Quentin may have 14 HRs, Eric Byrnes still has better hair.

Aaron Harang – 9 Ks in 4IP. How hard do you think Dusty had to twist his arm to enter a game facing the Padres at Petco?

Corey Patterson – After going 0 for his first 8 ABs, Corey was successful in sacrificing a player to second. It’s fitting because when Red fans think of sacrificing a player, they think of Corey.

Jay Bruce – Red fans are calling for Bruce so much they sound like they’re from Jersey.

Edinson Volquez – He got Dustied today. No idea how Dusty throws a rookie pitcher out there two days after he threw more than 90 pitches. Somewhere, Mark Prior sheds a tear like a commercial Native American crying at environmental abuse.

Direct TV – I love how I watch a game for six hours and then it cuts out three minutes before Adrian Gonzalez hits a game-winning home run. Maybe Direct TV’s the mastermind behind Yahoo’s waiver process.

Straight from Girardi, “The process has started, converting Joba to a starter, and tonight was the first [step] of extending him a little bit and we’ll continue to do it, getting him up to where he can throw enough pitches.” The Yanks stretching out Joba to get him ready to start by pitching 2 innings in a blowout? Sounds like the line of every Ian Kennedy and Phil Hughes start. I hear Joba’s also been seen fist pumping in the bullpen building up his exuberance stamina. Personally, I don’t have him on one team, but I can’t wait to see what he can do over 6 innings. And by six innings, I mean maybe 7 innings, but he’s not going to be throwing over 100 pitches until the Yankees lose in the playoffs. So what kind of numbers can we predict for him? I’d give him basically the same line he would’ve had if he stayed in middle relief with a chance for more wins and probably a higher ERA. So 120 IP/8 Wins/4.00 ERA/1.25 WHIP/110 Ks or just think Lincecum last year. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday:

Salomon Torres – Saves vultures, swoop there it is. Wave your hands in the air, shake your derriere. Whoomp chak a laka chack a laka chak a laka chak a (repeat 4 times) (BTW, I took poetic license by leaving the accent off derriere. I thought DC, the Brain Supreme, would’ve wanted it that way. And, if you’re out there Tag Team, I’m still waiting for the follow-up. Fo’ real!) Salomon Torres was a serviceable closer on the Pirates until overworked by Tracy and then he got All About Eve’d by Capps, but Torres could take the closing job for two months and run with it. What, you don’t like saves?

John Smoltz – He’s due to return within the next week. I’ve already covered this ground, but if you don’t need a closer, you should be moving him prior to him returning.

Jair Jurrjens – I’m going to Curacao to visit Jurrjens’s birthplace and where he learned to throw so magnificently. Who’s with me?!

Ryan Howard – I think he’ll have the most home runs going into the All-Star break. I know, not a huge limb, but what if I said this last week? See what I mean about getting guys when they are seemingly crizzappy?

Jeff Francoeur -  A home run and four RBIs. Again, buy low, sell high. School’s Out, Alice Cooper.

Moises Alou – Left yesterday’s game with a leg cramp then went in the locker room and peed on it.

Dana Eveland – He pitched a 3-hit gem for the A’s against the 1st place Devil Rays. Look out for newly expanded editions of Moneyball for Christmas!

Cody Ross – You think whenever he has to put his last name first he confuses which one is which?

Brandon Webb – Brandon Webb loses in Florida. East coast old people heckle him with, “Suck on a lemon,” West Coast retirees mutter “Fiddlesticks.”

Al Reyes – Speaking of retirees, Troy Percival is feeling tightness in his hamstring.

Johnny Cueto – I’ve been one of the biggest Cueto apologists, so I could sit here and tell you it was windy and the Dodgers scored on a wild pitch, a passed ball, a squeeze and a pickoff that was thrown away, but tonight Cueto didn’t have his control and he looked severely rattled. The resin bag didn’t make you throw the ball away, Cueto. What I did enjoy in this game was Vin Scully. I don’t want to get all mushy here, but when he kicks the bucket, I’m going to be sad. Hopefully, I didn’t jinx him. Keep on, keepin’ on, Scully!

Chris Young – Pujols hit a liner back at him and broke his nose. If Young would’ve ducked, it probably would’ve been a home run.

Jarrod Washburn - He made Rudy’s night with a Razzterful line of 2.1 IP with 9 ER and 12H. That’s a 34.71 ERA and 5.14 WHIP.

Sidney Ponson/Bartolo Colon – Sidney Ponson and Bartolo Colon both won last night. Jake Peavy is on the DL. Jake = 0, Fatman = 2

Alex Rodriguez/Chipper Jones/Milton Bradley – Arod’s hitting home runs, Chipper Jones is leaving because of injuries and Milton Bradley is leaving games because of ejections. All seems right in the baseball world.

Jack Cust – 4 at-bats. 2 home runs. 2 strikeouts. I bet he grew up masturbating to Jim Thome.