There’s a new love of my life. No, it’s not the Georgia girl on MasterChef, though she’s all right. His name is Danny Salazar, and he’s a sexy beast that makes me want to get all flirty and shizz. I call him K-zar. It’s pronounced like czar, so it’s a soft K like his touch, but that’s where the softness ends. He was regularly hitting 99 MPH on the speed gun-measuring-MPH-thingie and even topped out at triple digits. Swoon. He made the Tigers looks like the Mariners until Miggy got a hold of one on his last pitch of the game — 7 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks. Doesn’t matter, he gets the Twins next then the A’s in Oakland. I know, what about Corey Kluber? Who’s going to sell energy drinks and tell all the ravey Asian kids where the after-hours party is without Kluber?! Sigh, I know. We’re over him now. He’s going to be out until late-September and Salazar is taking his place in the rotation. I want Salazar in every single league. Yeah, that one. Yup, that one too. Go to it, young prematurely balding man! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Today is the first day of the next month in our lives without Giancarlo Stanton. If you want, I’m holding a candlelight vigil in the garbage can behind Stanton’s house. If you come, don’t make too much noise. We aren’t technically supposed to be there. The good news about his hamstring injury is when he’s limping away from us, it’ll be a lot easier to stay exactly 501 feet away. Before he’d backpedal and it was like we were doing the lambada with 501 feet between us. The bad news is I’m writing this post with tears. Hnfcsdcnnn. That was a big, stupid tear that got away from me. Short circuit my keyboard, tears. I plead with you, so I don’t have to continue. I wonder if I can seal envelopes with these tears. That would be turning lemons into lemonade, right? Ow, I just touched my eyes, and now these lemons are burning my eyes. This is the sourest injury news ever. Make the pain go away, alcohol! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’m not sure what the L stands for, but Josh Hamilton obviously felt LAA was a good fit for him. What I’d like to know is how is California a bankrupt state? The Dodgers and Angels’ salaries combined are equal to the GDP of every country, except China and Switzerland. Mozambique couldn’t afford just Pujols and Hamilton. Forget Greinke, Hanley, Vernon Wells, Matt Kemp and Carl Crawford. Alone, Arte Moreno could sell the Angels and buy Africa. Africa Moreno, that’s what they would call it. Burundi would become Aybarundi, Djibouti would become Dbootyhole and Chad would stay the same name, because that’s a badass name for a country, but Arte would put a country-wide golf course there, because anything named Chad and golf go hand-in-hand. The Angels now have Trout, Aybar, Pujols and Hamilton at the top of their lineup. October 1st called and said Aybar just scored his 197th run. Batting fifth, Kendrys could hit .220 and drive in 100 RBIs. Howie Kendrick… Well, he’ll still disappoint, but this is slightly bizzonkers to have three of the top hitters in baseball all in the same lineup. Trout, Hamilton and Pujols alone hit 103 homers last year. The Astros whole team only hit 146. Specifically about Hamilton, I could throw a lot numbers at you about about how his June through September were well short of his April/May. How his BABIP in April/May buoyed his season average. How not quoting these exact numbers but saying how I could quote them is a lot easier. Honestly, none of these numbers matter. I’d take six months straight of 5 homers/month and a .280 average. I don’t need a .380 average month with 12 homers. The bigger issue for me is you have no idea what you’re going to get from Hamilton year-to-year. One year, he hits 10 homers; one year, he misses 30 games; one year, he misses 55 games. Last year, his K-rate wasn’t good and his homer/fly ball rate was obscene. His swinging strike rate was the worst in the majors. This wasn’t just bad for this year. He had the worst rate since 2002. Mark Reynolds set a strikeout record one year and had a better swinging strike rate. Oh, and he’s 32 years old as of May 21st. He could be in for a huge year, but he’ll probably be drafted before I’m willing to look at him. For 2013, I’ll give him the line of 92/29/109/.277/7. You think adding a top hitter to an already stacked lineup will make it exponentially better, but for fantasy it just spreads out the wealth, as the Angels and Dodgers should do. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Sometimes when you take the fielding coach a little too literal, this is what happens. Miguel Cabrera came face to face with his fielding fears and a baseball and the baseball won. A sharp grounder shattered his sunglasses, leaving his right eye a bloody mess. The good news for Miggy, the doctor prescribed a 15 ounce porterhouse. No word if Miggy put it on his eye with or without A1 Steak Sauce. Just thought of something. Since the 2012 All-Star Game is in Kansas City, I’m sure George Brett will throw out the first pitch. You thought he was mad during the Pine Tar Game, wait until he sees Miggy and Hanley playing 3rd. From early reports, it sounds like Miggy will be fine, but Tigers won’t release Miggy’s face X-rays until after this posts on Tuesday, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed. An&yswy, hiacte’s– Sorry, I’ll cross my fingers after I’m done with the post. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Joakim Soria – Has UCL damage, which isn’t related to damage caused by a drunk UL Washington. Or as Van Morrison would say, “His elbow doesn’t feel good. His elbow doesn’t feel right. His name is Soria. S-O-R-I-A… And his name is Soria… S-O-R-I-A…” There was talk that Soria should’ve been traded a few years ago. I tend to agree, you don’t have a $12 salad if you can’t make your rent, but that’s neither here nor there now. Some reports are saying Broxton will fill in as the closer. I think Holland will close in Soria’s stead. If you’re desperate for saves, I’d grab both of them. At this point, it’s not clear who will take over the role. I think it’s only about a 55% chance for Holland to be the closer, so you better grab an umbrella.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Steve Cishek got the save, but it wasn’t that cut and dry. Edward Mujica came in for the ninth for the save, but promptly gave up 2 runs. One person who was nowhere in sight was Leo Nunez and with only 17 people in attendance at Joe Robbie/Pro Player/Blockbuster/Dolphin/Sun Life/Whoever Ponies Up Money To Sponsor This Godforsaken Stadium, it’s not hard to find someone. As of right now, I’d grab Cishek and Mujica, in that order, but yesterday I thought it was the opposite, so it could change at any moment. Really depends on McKeon or how good his memory still is. “Let’s warm up Looper!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks. From April-June, Vazquez looked like he should’ve retired. Or returred, if Ludacris is reading this. Or he looked down right turrible, if Charles Barkley is reading this. In July, he looked good. In August, he’s been great.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ryan Franklin was replaced yesterday, but it came so begrudgingly, La Russa wouldn’t even announce who would replace him. GM Mozeliak held a knife to a squirrel’s neck to try and get La Russa to tell us who would be the closer and still nothing. “There’s only two things in this world I hold dear — my Mom and my word and I’m mum on both.” That was what I imagine La Russa said. Mitchell Boggs, CPA seems most likely to see the first chances. Behind him, Motte, then MLB’s poet laureate, Miguel Batista. Keep in mind, Franklin isn’t out of the picture completely either. La Russa is way too loyal to his guys. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Skip Schumaker – Headed to the DL with a hyperextended elbow. Somewhere, Shawn Michaels’ elbow says, “Pfft.”
Ian Stewart – Sent to Triple-A. Pretty sad move for me to hear. Mini-Mini Donkey was a one-time favorite. I was thinking how this is one of those moves that if you don’t play fantasy, you’re probably like whatevs. Deep thoughts with Grey Albright, I suppose.Please, blog, may I have some more?