He’ll make you feel good and bad and happy and sad. But mostly just sad. And mad. And glad…you don’t own him. I’m talking, of course, of Jose Valverde. Motown just can’t resist the temptations of signing Papa Grande. Smokey just went over all the fantasy baseball closers. There’s $12 Salads. There’s Donkeycorns. There’s Brain Freezes. There should be another category underneath the Brain Freezes for Valverde: Tossed Salad That Gives You Botulism. He seems like a great idea. Why do you need a side of rigatoni when you’re having lasagna for dinner? It makes sense to get the side salad. Go with the tossed salad. Unfortunately, the tossed salad was prepared in 2007 and is piled in the corner of the kitchen holding the employee’s bathroom door open because Brian lost the key. Once in a while Brian also forgets to stock the bathroom with toilet paper, so the iceberg lettuce doubles its duties, so to speak. That’s Valverde. There’s so many reasons to not pick him up, but let’s stick with the two most important ones: 1) He wasn’t good last year when he had the job. 2) Detroit even replaced him when games really mattered. 3) I said let’s stick with two reasons so why would you even mention 3? I wish I could sit here — and I am sitting, in a Barclay Lounger, a matter of fact — and tell you the signing of Valverde means the Detroit shituation has become crystal clear now. That, now, Valverde will close games. Yeah, he might get shoved into the closer role, but closing games is another issue. He was signed to a minor league contract. He’ll now take anywhere from two to four weeks to get ready, then the Tigers will either call him up or release him. I’d put his chances to get saves within a month at 35%. There’s still Benoit, Coke, Dotel and Al Al’etc who could take the job and run with it in the mean’s while. After seeing Dotel enter the game in the 6th yesterday, there’s no telling what will happen. Someone get close to Leyland’s cigarette pack and check to see if there’s a warning that reads, “Caution: May Cause Smoker To Use The Wrong Man In The 9th Inning.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The guys over at Sons of Roto have been hosting Blog Wars for a handful of years now, and this is my second year involved. I ended up in fourth place last year — not too bad, I know. But considering I held first place by a sizable margin from April through August, the fourth place finish takes on a truly bitter taste. My pitching collapsed down the stretch, and I watched helplessly has my ratios ballooned. Alas, I flew too close to the sun on the wings of Lance Lynn. Should’ve seen it coming…Please, blog, may I have some more?
We at Razzball realize that exporting our views across the country has damaging consequences on the blogosphere. To help make amends, we are reaching out to leading team blogs and featuring their locally blogged answers to pressing 2013 fantasy baseball questions regarding their team. We feel this approach will be fresher, more sustainable, and require less energy consumption (for us anyway). The 2013 Reds Fantasy Baseball Preview comes courtesy of Brandon Kraeling from Red Reporter.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hello, readers of this blog post. That is you. I joined eleven other fantasy baseball experts for a draft the other day. These experts came from all walks of life and all countries (mainly US and Canada) and were united on one front: the love of pretending they are more gifted in this fantasy baseball shizz than all others. It takes certain sized brass balls to anoint oneself a fantasy baseball expert. Did they attend the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston with yours truly? Some did, others did not. I believe Scott Q. Pianowski from Yahoo was home schooled by Brandon Funston. Whatever the case, we all share a knowledge of fantasy baseball to make you marvel…until it’s June and Marco Estrada has a 1.50 WHIP and has been bumped from the rotation and you want to kill one of us. That is then, young squire. No rush to judge now. Rudy broke down who was in this ‘pert draft that I’m about to have my own looksie. Here’s my team and some thoughts on this 12 team, mixed league for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
With the 2013 fantasy baseball rankings for every position done, we turn our lazy eye towards the top 100 for 2013 fantasy baseball. These 2013 fantasy baseball rankings are one part fresh and two parts to death. They own a cat, a dog and a lizard in a two bedroom apartment where pets aren’t allowed. Know why? Cause they don’t care! None of this top 100 for 2013 fantasy baseball is meant to surprise. *jumping out of a closet* Boo! Now, that was meant to surprise. This top 100 is just taking my positional rankings and putting guys in The Big Picture. You really should read each ranking post because the blurbs in this top 100 are on the skimpy side because there’s so many of them, and I went over each one of these guys already. Obviously at a hundred players, some guys just didn’t make it. About 300, to be inexact. It’s okay, there will be a top 400 tomorrow. Shortly, Sloth, you’ll have your Baby Ruth. Not to get all biblical on you, but this is the gospel. Print it out and take it to Mt. Sinai and it will say, “Win your 2013 fantasy baseball league, young prematurely balding man.” Projections were done by me and a crack team of 100 monkeys fighting amongst themselves because there were only 99 typewriters. Somebody please buy Ling-Ling his own typewriter! To help with your drafting, there’s also a list of players with multiple position eligibility, and all of the 2013 fantasy baseball projections. Anyway, here’s the top 100 for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’m gonna turn the top 20 outfielders for 2013 fantasy baseball to 100, because I love you as much as someone who has never met someone else can love someone. More than a top college athlete could love a non-existent girl. I’m sure this has been said before, but as a top college athlete you can get basically any girl you want (that’s whether or not the college athlete is a male or female). If you really want a girl in another state, not only can you afford to fly the girl to you with illegal handouts, but, if you’re the girl, you fly to see your athlete boyfriend because he’s about to become a millionaire. You find time. I mean, this is the most unbelievable story since the Catfish guys said their story was nonfiction. Not to mention, the pictures the kook was using in Catfish weren’t even of a girl that attractive. Before all of that, I would’ve said spoiler alert, but the movie’s five years old, you should’ve seen it already. Pull yourself away from your computer and watch some TV! Now, it’s only fair I turn the outfielders up to 100, since I’ve turned the top 20 catchers for 2013 fantasy baseball to 26 and the top 20 1st basemen for 2013 fantasy baseball to 42 and the top 20 2nd basemen for 2013 fantasy baseball to 33; the top 20 shortstops for 2013 fantasy baseball to 35 and the top 20 3rd basemen for 2013 fantasy baseball to 32. All the 2013 fantasy baseball rankings are there. As always, my tiers and projections are included. Anyway, here’s the top 20 outfielders for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Shin-Soo Choo makes the Reds lineup look pretty. No more will they have to search for a lead-off hitter with a solid OBP. I do feel bad for the guy in charge of explaining to Dusty why Choo’s OBP should be coveted and they shouldn’t mourn the loss of Stubbs. “Oh bee pees are fine and dandy…If you’re a dandy. I play a man’s game where hitters swing the bat like they mean it. You ever see George Foster take a walk? He would have preferred someone walk on his face. Hence… His face!” “But, Dusty, if Choo gets on base–” “I get on base by swinging!” “Choo not you.” “How about ‘Choo’ stop confusing me?!” Hitter-wise, this is about as good a fit as I’ve seen from a fantasy and real baseball perspective this offseason. (Pitching-wise, I did like Greinke going to the Dodgers.) I’ve never been excited about Choo (no offense), but never fully against him either. Indifferent, if you’re not trying to use unnecessary words, which is the least succinct way to say succinct. This slight tick up in value for Choo has me excited. It’s a small sample size, but he has four homers in nine games in Great American. So, for 2013, I’ll give him 67 homers? Nope, but a terrific lineup and ballpark sure won’t hurt. For 2013, I’ll give him the line 108/23/79/.296/20. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
With the top 40 outfielders, we’ve finished all the hitter recaps. We meaning me, but I’ll include you. No, that’s not a cue to try to hold my hand. Why are you now patting my butt? (Here’s all the final 2012 fantasy baseball rankings. They’re also to your left… your other left. And down.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Mike Moustakas left yesterday’s game with a groin injury that could end his season, which would also end his sophomore slump (the “o” is silent in sophomore, like when you make love to your woman — oofa!) The 2nd season like the 2nd Greek letter is beta.Please, blog, may I have some more?
And another rookie is called up. It’s raining rookies that I will pick up for a few days and then drop if they don’t pan out in a matter of three days. First, let’s see what our prospect writer, Scott, said just four days ago about Manny Machado, “Machado’s line on the year at Double-A isn’t pretty: .266/.350/.431, 10 HR. Still, he’s not slipping much in mid-season prospect rankings, as scouts and pundits continue to believe in his tools. At just 20 years old, there’s ample time for him to play up to his potential, and I’m inclined to agree with the masses — Machado is still a future fantasy stud.Please, blog, may I have some more?