Fantasy Baseball Advice

Went over the catchers, 1st basemen, 2nd basemen and shortstops and top 20 3rd basemen for 2010.  Guess what’s next!  No, not pitchers.  Read the title, man.  With the top 20 outfielders, a pattern emerges.  Steroids can be tested for, but Red Bull can’t.  There were only 6 outfielders to hit 30 homers and 2 of them were probably used at a corner infidel spot instead of the outfield.  There were 14 outfielders who stole 30 bases.  This speed renaissance is teaching Ron LeFlore how to smile again.  Since outfield is a deep position, I’m going to turn this one to 40.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 outfielders for 2010 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Carlos Gonzalez – In the preseason, I wrote a sleeper post for him, put him in my cheap alternatives post and told you he can make mayonnaise out of sea urchin*.  (*I may not have said the last one.)  Did I push you hard enough to draft him?  I hope so.  Let’s bask in a season that was for the ages before we talk about how he’s going to be overrated next season.  Shoot, that bask didn’t last long.  Preseason Rank #37, 2010 Projections:  85/18/70/.275/20, Final Numbers: 111/34/117/.336/26

2. Carl Crawford – It’s the Carlos and Carl show!  Crawford didn’t hurt you in homers like many other players who provide the majority of their value with steals.  Still, push comes to shove and shove comes to ‘Stop touching me,’ I think Crawford’s overrated.  I want 40/20, not 20/40.  Oh, well, those days might be behind us, unless Braun or J-Upside can get their shizz together or A-Rod’s cousin accidentally bumps into someone with a needle.  Preseason Rank #5, 2010 Projections:  110/14/65/.290/50, Final Numbers:  110/19/90/.307/47

3. Josh Hamilton – In the preseason, I ranked him way above most ‘perts, if not all.  Here’s what I said then, “Never to be one to resist a talented guy who just had a tough year, I couldn’t stop myself from putting Hamilton higher than most ‘perts.  Is Hamilton still injury prone?  Dur, of course.  He’s still only 28 entering the 2010 season and he has big time talent.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Preseason Rank #14, 2010 Projections:  85/28/100/.275/7, Final Numbers:  95/32/100/.359/8

4. Jose Bautista -  Went over him in my top 20 3rd basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball post.

5. Ryan Braun – Did Braun ruin your team this year?  No, he just couldn’t be relied on to carry it either.  Overall, it was a disappointing year for first round picks:  Utley, A-Rod, Braun, Te(i)x, Kemp, Fielder and Howard.  Preseason Rank #1, 2010 Projections:  110/37/120/.305/17, Final Numbers:  101/25/103/.304/14

6. Juan Pierre – I agree that all the steals help, but when there’s a lot of steals available all over the league, they mean less.  The ESPN Player Rater just puts too much emphasis on steals, so, yes, this ranking doesn’t make that much sense.  Preseason Rank #40, 2010 Projections:  95/1/40/.300/45, Final Numbers:  96/1/47/.275/68

7. Matt Holliday – You can say what you want. (This is a free country in 49 of 50 states.  Damn you, South Dakota!)  You can say Holliday went for stretches where you didn’t want to own him and no stretches where he really carried your team.  I agree, but he’s the prototypical roto player where you just put him in there, forget about him and, at the end of the season, you have nice numbers in four categories and decent enough steals.  Preseason Rank #3, 2010 Projections:  105/28/115/.320/15, Final Numbers:  95/28/103/.312/9

8. Alex Rios – On June 1st, I told you to sell Rios.  Before that, he had 11 homers in two months.  After the sell, he had 10 homers in 4 months.  Before the sell, he had 16 steals.  In 4 months after, he had 18 steals.  .312 average before, .272 average after.  Yes, Rios was a huge performer for the year, but, in the final 4 months, he was just above average.  Sorry, I’m still bitter.  Preseason Rank #26, 2010 Projections:  85/19/70/.275/22, Final Numbers:  89/21/88/.284/34

9. Ichiro Suzuki – This is one of those instances when I don’t buy into the rankings that ESPN is giving me.  Ichiro murdered you in three categories (Runs, HRs and RBIs), was great in steals (which are abundant) and was good in average.  It’s a’ight.  Preseason Rank #11, 2010 Projections:  100/10/55/.330/25, Final Numbers:  74/6/43/.315/42

10. Shin-Soo Choo – He really is the younger, Korean Torii Hunter.  He’s settled into this nice groove where he gives you exactly what you expect to see and that’s 20/20.  Preseason Rank #20, 2010 Projections:  90/18/100/.285/20, Final Numbers:  81/22/90/.300/22

11. Jayson Werth – Werth will be one of the most talked about value changes in fantasy next year depending on where he ends up.  I have this sinking feeling that he’s going to the Padres.  Or maybe the M’s will kill another hitter’s value.  Or maybe the Rays will replace Crawford with Werth.  One of the more compelling things I’m following.  Along with the new Real World/Road Rules Challenge.  Where’s CT and Tina?!  As for this year, Werth gave you more or less what can be expected of him.  No more, a little less.  Preseason Rank #9, 2010 Projections:  85/30/100/.270/18, Final Numbers:  106/27/85/.296/13

12. Vladimir Guerrero – Hello, Shoddy Knees, my old friend.  I’ve come to own you in fantasy again.  And it worked out, so there’s that.  Vlad was one of those players that I didn’t plan on owning in any leagues, but he was going for so ridiculously cheap in my drafts, I couldn’t help myself.  Thank you, Vlad the ’97 Impala.  Preseason Rank #1 for Utility Players, 2010 Projections:  70/26/95/.290/3, Final Numbers:  83/29/115/.300/4

13. Hunter Pence – This season, give or take a few homers and steals, will probably be what you’re going to get from Pence for the next three years.  It’s good, valuable, worthwhile, yadda².  But I don’t think you’re ever going to get 1st round value from him.  No 35+ homers, no .330 average, no elite Runs and RBIs because the Astros aren’t very good with no sign of that clearing any time soon.  Preseason Rank #34, 2010 Projections:  85/30/100/.295/15, Final Numbers:  93/25/91/.282/18

14. Angel Pagan – Only completely out of nowhere outfielder to crack the top 20.  Actually, that’s pretty impressive since I rank about 90 to 100 outfielders.  Would’ve been more impressive if you ranked Pagan. Thanks for clarifying, random italicized voice.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  80/11/69/.290/37

15. Krispie Young – In the preseason, I said, “If Krispie hits a third of his infield pop-ups for homers next year, he’ll hit 40.  And if I were 30 years old in 1760, I’d think Martha Washington was hot.” And that’s me quoting me!  Preseason Rank #61, 2010 Projections:  60/20/75/.245/15, Final Numbers:  94/27/91/.257/28

16. Andrew McCutchen – Before the season ended, I was watching The Dread Pirate and thinking to myself, “This is a guy who is going to go 20/40 soon and be a top 5 overall fantasy player.  And I’m getting hungry.  Mmm…I could go for some Chipotle.  I’m gonna ask for more rice though.  I want to eat half my burrito and use the other half for a pillow when the food coma hits.  Wait, just because I was thinking this doesn’t mean I need to write it.”  Preseason Rank #35, 2010 Projections:  90/15/60/.280/30, Final Numbers:  94/16/56/.286/33

17. Corey Hart – Here’s another guy in midst of this season that I told you to sell.  I’m not going to break down his pre- and post-Sell numbers, but I’m sure I came out on top again since he trailed off in the 2nd half.  I feel like Hart might actually be underrated a tad next year because I’m not sure people fully trust him.  I think 2010 is close to repeatable.  Some less average and homers and a few more steals.  Preseason Rank #45, 2010 Projections:  75/20/80/.260/17, Final Numbers:  91/31/102/.283/7

18. Brett Gardner – I left Gardner unranked last year because when I ranked players in January, he didn’t have a full-time job.  The Yankee outfield was crowded and there’s was talk of a platoon.  Once Gardner got the job, I wrote about him in March as a cheap source of steals.  I don’t say this to defend myself, I’m trying to avoid the Random Razzball Commenter, “Grey sux!!!  Long live Matthew Berry!!!  Oh, and while I’m here, would you keep Gardner for 2011?”  Preseason Unranked, 2010 Projections:  75/4/38/.266/36, Final Numbers:  97/5/47/.277/47

19. Rajai Davis – Enter the SAGNOF portion of our program, which will be continued in the next post about the top 40 outfielders.  This is also where me and the ESPN Player Rater have major disagreements.  Steals are everywhere nowadays.  Steals are the new bacon.  I just got a steal and the season ended weeks ago.  I lost a sock in the dryer but pulled out 3 steals.  So, I think homers should be weighted higher than steals, which would move guys like Rajai down, but here we are.  Preseason Rank #40, 2010 Projections:  80/4/40/.290/50, Final Numbers:  66/5/52/.284/50

20. Aubrey Huff – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball post.

I wanna just throw away this first start by Yunesky Maya.  Just ignore it.  The reason why I’m having a hard time throwing it away, young Razzball reader, is because I watched him pitch.  I’m no scout with fancy scouting degrees from fancy scouting schools where people chew toothpicks and spit chew.  I just know what I see.  And what I saw yesterday was a guy who throws junk.  His stuff didn’t look very overpowering.  Reminded me a bit of El Duque without the Funky Cold Delivery.  Maybe Maya’s start yesterday was due to nerves.  It’s not easy to live up to some recent Cuban raftees.  Maya’s Cuban league numbers tell us he’s a guy who should be owned in keepers and dynasty leagues.  He did, after all, win The Luis Tiant, the Cuban Cy Young award.  And potentially even more enticing with Maya is he’s already 29-years-old, which means he should be in the prime of his career.  In redraft leagues, losing to Dillon Gee, who sounds like a bank robber from the 1890s, isn’t a great confidence boost to recommend him for 2010.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josh Hamilton – With me away on vacation for Labor Day, obviously no one took up the slack to pray every 2 hours towards Mecca that Hamilton wouldn’t get injured.  Thanks, guys (and 3 girls)!  (How was my vacation?  Thanks for asking!  It was all right.  You know how when you don’t look at something for a while you come back to it with fresh eyes and see things differently?  It’s the Jigsaw Puzzle Theorem as demonstrated by your 12-year-old nephew who can’t figure out how to complete the 101 Dalmatians jigsaw then, when he revisits it the next day, it all fits into place.  That’s what happened with me.  I had this stain dead center on my monitor for the better part of 3 months then, when I returned yesterday, I realized it was just dried tomato sauce and scratched it off with a fingernail.  Puttanesca, you dirty sauce!)

Elvis Andrus – Will be out until Friday with hammy woes.  I still like Elvis and his bedazzled upside for next year, but you need to find someone who’s producing this year in redraft leagues.  (BTW, I have a fat Elvis picture across from my refrigerator in a room I call my kitsch’n.)

David Murphy – 3-for-4 and hitting .400 over the last week.  Also hitting third with Hamilton out.  He gets a lefty today (bleh) but then some righties.

Alex Rodriguez – The problem is for a lot of these players on contending teams, they’re not needed anymore in the regular season.  And there’s the pickle with H2H leagues.  A-Rod may coast the rest of the season, making sure he doesn’t re-injure himself.  Hamilton’s in this cluster of muckety mucks too.

Jay Bruce – See Alex Rodriguez or 1/8th of an inch above.

Justin Upton – Then you have the opposite side of that same coin.  The Diamondbacks aren’t anywhere near a playoff spot, so they won’t force Upton back into action.

Barry Enright – 6 IP, 6 ER.  Uncle Barry violated my no-no area over and over again.

Vernon Wells – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs, 2 Runs and 2 homers.  But I’m pretty sure Bautista actually hit one of those homers.

John Buck – 2-for-4 with his 17th homer.  John Buck has 17 homers?!  Make sure to sign the petition to have a humidor put in the Rogers Centre.

Dillon Gee – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Gee, that’s great.  Unfortunately, he had a 4.96 ERA in Triple-A this year.  That’s a pass.

Ike Davis – 2-for-3 with his 18th homer.  Now has 3 homers in his last 4 games and hitting .364 over the last week.  Look at Ike smacking that pitch up.

Miguel Cabrera – Left the game with bicep tendinitis.  He sat out last Friday’s game with this shizz so this isn’t a good sign that it reappeared.  It could cost him a few days since the days of numbing the pain by doing body shots out off Miguel Olivo’s navel are in the past.

Billy Butler – According to a Royals’ beat writer, Butler was hurt taking a ground ball off his chest.  Guess he wasn’t wearing his metal cone bra.

Ryan Madson – Got the Win and the blown save.  Lidge wasn’t used because he has a sore elbow.  Sore elbow on a guy who had elbow surgery is bad news.  I’d grab Madson everywhere you need saves.  Just remember, he has Cuddle Boy tendencies.

Shane Victorino – 2-for-5 with the slam & legs.  For what it’s Wuertz, Victorino has 17 homers and 30 steals.  You could argue that his average is a bit down this year, but that’s falling on deaf ears as far as I’m concerned.

Nolan Reimold – Well, lookie-lookie.  If it ain’t the pot calling the kettle, where the hell you been?  A preseason favorite of mine, Reimold hit a homer yesterday.  He hasn’t been playing every day since his recall, but I may just like him again next year.  You’ve been served (with info)!

B.J. Upton – 2-for-3, 3 Runs and a homer and steal.  He has 15 homers and 39 steals.  Again, if you’re crying about his average like it’s a knee scrap, go cry to Rudy because you’re not getting any sympathy from me.

James McDonald – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, e, i, e, i, o.  I do like McDonald in the right matchups, but this start was against the Braves, who right now like they couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn with an Adam Dunn-driven tractor.

Brandon Lyon – You know what’s the strongest job approval you can get as a closer?  When the other guy competing for the job says you’re the closer.  That’s what Lindstrom said of Lyon the other day.

Brett Wallace – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  He’s hitting .204 in 92 ABs.  Maybe the 7 teams that traded him away might’ve known something.  I’m not writing him off yet, but he’s looked like a White Castle hamburger if you were to replace the hamburger with a turd (assuming White Castle hasn’t done that already).

Jim Thome – He’s showing the young mollywhoppers how the old mollywhoppers used to mollwhop, i.e., he’s hit 4 homers in the last three games.

Josh Johnson – Due to back and side pain, Johnson was scratched from his next start.  The chances of his porn star brother, Gosh Johnson, making the start for him are 50-50 if he can find his pants.

Gordon Beckham – Too bad he’s done so little this year to deserve a hand because he could use one right now.  More than a week after the injury happened and he’s sitting out due to pain?  This is reason to drop him in most leagues.

Trevor Hoffman – Recorded his 600th save.  Here are some fun facts about what the world looked like when Hoffman recorded his first save in 1993.  Sister Act 2:  Back in the Habit had audiences Whoopified, Rick Astley called it quits at the age of 27, saying he won’t play another concert until he becomes an internet meme and Tipper Gore was going through Bill Clinton’s CD collection, removing suggestive titles.  Oh, and Trevor Hoffman was still good.

Jhoulys Chacin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Mora made a mental error that led to Chacin’s two earned runs.  If not for Mora, Chacin would still be pitching… Well, if the game was still going… And if there was a 12 hour rain delay and Chacin wasn’t officially removed yet.  You get my point, Chacin pitched better than his line indicts.

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-3 with his 14th steal in 34 games.  If you don’t love Young, you don’t love yourself.  Find someone to talk to.

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has three straight starts of two earned runs given up or less.  He gets the Angels again next.  Not without its risk, but if you need to take a gamble, there ya go.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  With the Padres pennant race going down to the wire, Latos is probably going to go way over his innings limit.  Cust kayin’.

Colby Rasmus – Sounds like Pujols hates Rasmus’ stupid face and thinks he should leave the Cards this offseason.  In related Cards news, no word on whether the Cards 2nd best hitter will be attending the annual Israeli event that shares his name — “Challah Day.”

Ted Williams hit a HR in his last AB.  John Elway won his 2nd straight Super Bowl in his last start.  Chipper Jones eschewed a standing ovation in favor of a reclining operation.  Sometimes you don’t appreciate greatness until it hits the DL.  In between all the injuries, Chipper Jones has had one of the top 5 careers for a 3rd basemen in WAR (behind only Schmidt, Eddie Mathews, Boggs and Brett).  Fairly well, Glass Chipper, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars while trying not to pull any ligaments.  Omar Infante should now play every day for the rest of the year even after Prado returns.  He’s a solid average contributor and… Well… Uh…  Yeah, average.  That’s it.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Freddie Freeman – Frank Wren says the injury to Chipper doesn’t change Freeman’s timetable.  Glaus’ inability to hit anything other than weak grounders to the shortstop could change that timetable though.  Right now, I don’t think we see Freeman until September.  Stay tuned!  Or not.  Your choice.

Jonathan Papelbon – 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  I’m already dreading the ongoing storyline of 2011 that will lead to questions like this, “Grey, when will Bard take over the closer job?  When will Papelbon get traded?  How do you get your mustache so full?”

Jed Lowrie – 1-for-3 with his 1st homer.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  I’m still waiting for Chacin from last week?! He didn’t get called up like he was supposed to so there was no reason to mention him in the Buy/Sell, random italicized voice.  You’re lucky I’m forgiving.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2-for-4.  Salty’s bachia.  He’ll be backing up V-Mart primarily, but in two catcher or AL-Only leagues I’d try some Salty.  Just make sure no one seasons the plate right before you.

Bobby Jenks – Left the game with a bad back.  Weird, cause he looks like he’s in such good shape.  I think Rubenesque is the term.  Putz and Thornton are the pickups, in that order.  Though it could easily go the other way.

Matt Cain – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I know it’s of little consolation but he was unlucky in the first inning to give up 2 of those runs.  Then again, he’s been lucky for two years straight so I guess it’s only fair.

Pat Burrell – 2 HRs, 5 RBIs.  You know this’ll only encourage Brian Sabean to sign more over the hill players.  He must be stewing about missing out on Jim Edmonds.

Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-4 with a homer.  The Panda’s hitting almost .400 in the last week on something other than a scale.

Casey McGehee – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 18th homer.  This is what Rudy said to me on IM yesterday, “I wish we got McGehee on more teams.  You and your freakin’ Headley.”  Only he didn’t use the word freakin’.

Stephen Drew – Hit his 2nd homer in as many games.  This guy’s about two years overdue for a hot streak.  Could surprise with a big final month and a half.  Though, technically, it wouldn’t be that surprising since I’m pointing it out.  Neverthehoo!

Shane Victorino – Activated from the DL and that makes the 2010 Domonic obsolete.  In keepers, hold tight.  In redraft leagues, you gotta let Brown go.

Carlos Ruiz – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs.  He’s been hitting the ball well in the last ten days.  I gotta fess up, I haven’t mentioned Ruiz because I know the mention of any hot hitting catcher leads to a cacophony of “Should I drop Napoli for ______?”

Ryan Howard – Says he should be able to return at or around August 17th.  Hopefully everyone’s got their infieluenza shot.

Jonathan Broxton – Gave up three earned runs and recorded no outs.  This is the kind of outing that loses closers their job.  I seriously doubt if he gets the next save chance.  I’m not sure if he’ll be officially replaced or if he’s just given a rest from closing.  I think it’ll be the latter, but you never know.  I’d grab Octavio Dotel everywhere, in the non-perverse way.

Jeanmar Gomez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Jeanmar, may I ask if you’re Flemish?  Why do you ask? Because saying your name makes me hock up phlegm.

Michael Brantley – 4-for-5 with a steal and 9-for-24 with a homer since his recall.  Could be a cheap source of steals.  SAGNOF!

Jason Kubel – Yesterday, he hit his 6th homer since the All-Star break.  Member when I ranked him crazy high in my 2nd half rankings?  I don’t want to say I told ya so, but isn’t the essence of the ‘I told ya so’ said by saying ‘I don’t want to say I told ya so.’

Kevin Slowey – Will start on Sunday vs. the A’s.  I’m not sure if that’s the good news or the bad news.

Ryan Ludwick – It’s actually pretty interesting how hitters get hot, I talk about them for about a week then they go cold and there’s a new batch.  Maybe it’s only interesting to me.  If you’ve been following since Monday, you already know what Ludwick did yesterday.  *SPOILER ALERT* It’s the same thing he’s done three times this week.

Jon Garland – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I know the first rule of Razzball is you do not talk about Razzball, but if you were ever to explain a hodgepadre to someone.  Here’s an easy way.  Garland’s Away ERA is 4.52.  In Petco, 2.69.

Jose Reyes – 2-for-4, 2 steals.  Everyone else is catching charges so Reyes decided to start stealing.

Johan Santana – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Clearly he’s as good at picking apart a lineup as he is at getting picked out of a lineup.

Hisabobby Takafelicianell – The Mets bullpen is in tatters… Shattered.  Key syllable is shat.  Will the closer be Brother Rob or Disco Bobby Parnell?  Feliciano just cut his hair and is no longer interesting.  Hisanori is a fun name to say, but does Manuel go there?  Don’t know.  Do the Mets even get a save?  Hard to say.  I grabbed Hisanori and Parnell, then I dropped Parnell and grabbed Feliciano.  Then I dropped Feliciano, took a steam, had dinner and benched Hisanori.  Now, I’m exhausted.

Francisco Rodriguez – To the restricted list and could be out for a few days or longer.  Mets fans are just upset he isn’t married to Omar Minaya’s daughter.

Scott Podsednik traded to the Dodgers.  Call ‘em The Podsgers!  Should be convenient for his wife — much closer to the Playboy mansion.  Or so I read in an article in Playboy about Playboy while not looking at the pictures.  So Pods comes to L.A. because Manny’s never coming back?  They really needed a pinch runner?  Not really sure what the playing time will be for Podsednik once Manny’s healthy, but I guess he could see three days a week.  He’s definitely going to see his time cut from his days on the peasant Royals.  That’ll give him more time to worry about what Lisa’s doing now that they’re in a city where the most eligible bachelor isn’t a barbecue rub salesman.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Roy Oswalt – Looks to be headed to the Phillies.  All the deal needs is his approval.  I think if the Phils throw in a tractor, Roy will be a go pitcher.  Hello Wins, Goodbye Houston.  I’ll go over this move further this afternoon if it does indeed clear and doesn’t become a Cliff Lee to the Yankees move.

Shane Victorino – As first reported here after being read elsewhere, Victorino did end up on the DL.  Which makes room for the one and only… The King of Swing… The Man Whose Upside Makes It Almost Worth Learning How To Spell His Name… The Bastard Child You Wish Your 17-year-Old Daughter Had…

Domonic Brown – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs as he was called up by the Phillies.  I just went over my Domonic Brown fantasy.  Click the link and it transports you there.  It’s magic!  Grab Brown now (how, cow?) for his upside.  Plus, you can change your team name to ‘Under Domonic Possession.’

Stephen Strasburg – Of course he was shutdown for a few days.  I’m surprised the Nats were even able to write the press release to announce this while wearing those kid gloves.  For those in H2H leagues, it could work out for you if he misses a few starts now then pitches in September.  And that’s how you look at the glass half full!

Andres Torres – 4-for-6 with his 10th homer.  Is it me or am I talking about this guy every day?  I think I am.  Know why?  Because he’s doing something every day.

Juan Uribe – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs.  He has 14 homers on the year.  Uribe’s one of those types that is fantasy relevant all year, but if you hold him all year you probably feel like you’re not trying hard enough so you pick him up and drop him a dozen times and his stats on your team look like crizzap.

Brian Wilson – 1 IP, 2 ER as he blew the save.  It must’ve been the shoes!

Brad Mills – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  For the low, low price of facing the O’s, you too can look like a major league pitcher!

Ben Zobrist – Left the game with lower back stiffness, which is less embarrassing than lower front stiffness.

Carlos Lee – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Too bad Carlosly only modifies your team once every two weeks.

Bud Norris – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He has 85 Ks in 80 IP, which is purdy, but I can’t recommend him outside of NL-Only leagues.  His ratios look like the bathroom in Slumdog Millionaire.

Joey Votto – 3-for-5, 2 Runs, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer.  Domo arigato, Joey Votto.

Brandon Phillips – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer and 12th steal.  Is it me or do guys that get around 20/20 seem to move their homers and steals up together?

Travis Wood – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  His 0.96 WHIP and 33:10 K:BB in 37 2/3 IP isn’t too shabby at all.  Hard to grab him in too shallow of mixed leagues, but he gets the Pirates next.  Argh, that’s not bad.

Trevor Cahill – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  First dominating start against a tough offense all year.  His owners should hope that doesn’t mean he’ll now go to pieces vs. the Royals next time out.

Michael Wuertz – He came in for the save!  Then gave up a run and was removed for Breslow!  For those keeping score at home, I’m dropping Wuertz in all of my leagues.  Bailey should return in time for the A’s next game.

Jason Bay – Could still go to the DL for his concussion.  We just have to collectively think positive.  Please DL him.  Please.

Johan Santana – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 14 baserunners, 2 Ks as he let everyone beat him, including the first Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

Carlos Beltran – 2-for-5 with his first homer in, like, three years.  If anyone thinks this is a sign, you should trade him to that person.

Garrett Jones – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Robot Jones came, Robot Jones saw and Robot Jones didn’t feel anything because he’s a robot.

Huston Street – Could return today to the closer role.  One guy who won’t be closing is Manny Corpas, who entered the game in the 3rd inning.  Unless the guy from Memento was managing.  Matt Belisle and Joe Beimel could see saves if Street can’t return, in that order.

Joel Pineiro – Out for 6-8 weeks with an oblique strain.  Maybe they can now trade him to the Diamondbacks for Justin Upton.

Will Rhymes – 2-for-5 as he played his fourth game in a row though that may change with the Peralta rental.  He still hasn’t run, but if Will’s playing he should be rhyming and stealing.

Jhonny Peralta – The Detroit Tigers were obviously embarrassed by the Matt Garza no-hitter.  So much so, that they traded for the man whose bat is almost as silent as the H in his first name.

Luis Valbuena – Was recalled with the trade of Peralta.  He was hitting in Triple-A (6 homers, .313 in 96 ABs) and could add some pop at MI.  Though I wouldn’t pick him up until I see something first.

Brian Duensing – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Last year in 72 1/3 post-All-Star break innings, he had a 3.36 ERA and 2.78 in September.  I have a feeling this won’t be the last time I talk about him.  He is a Duens… Duens… Duens… Duensing machine.

Chone Figgins – Hit his first home run of the year as they let him bat from 2nd base.

Logan Morrison played at the same community college as Albert Pujols.  That’s two more MLB players than Middlesex County College or MC-squared as we called it.  Let’s look at what Stephen wrote about Morrison, “Blessed with a balanced, flat swing with plus-power, and the organization’s best plate-discipline…  The only thing more exciting than Morrison is pasting copies of Grey’s photo to a dartboard and piercing his eyeballs.”  Hmm… Hadn’t read that last part before.  A rookie with good plate discipline and power is really all you need to know when considering a guy for keepers.  Own and own now.  So is it time to get on board the LogaMotive in redraft leagues?  As a disgruntled horse would say, “What the hey?”  When met with choosing between upside and a random schmohawk outfielder behind door number three, you go with upside.  Just don’t crazy and drop anyone too valuable.  I imagine Morrison will lose some playing time to Bonifacio and might struggle in the beginning.  Conservatively, I’ve give him 8 homers and a decent average.  The upside is obviously there and if he hits out of the gate, his name value will provide more than his actual worth on the trade market.  A lot depends on if the Marlins take it fast or slow with LogaMo.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jason Bay – Out with a mild concussion.  This would explain a lot if it happened in March and was just discovered.

Jonathon Niese – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  Wasn’t the prettiest start, but I’ve seen worse.  *cough* Wainwright *cough*  Still, Niese has only one bad start in his last 10.  Really no reason you shouldn’t own him.

Huston Street – Was hit by a line drive then fainted two or three times from the pain.  Obviously I don’t wish ill on anyone, except for maybe Jason Bay.  But how do you faint two or three times?  You put the back of your hand to your forehead and you faint.  Then you’re revived.  That’s it.  Let’s act it out.  “The pain is terrible.  I can’t take it, Jeeves.  I just can’t.”  You faint.  Jeeves pats your forehead with a cold rag while your suitor waves his top hat to give you air.  You waken.  “Are you all right?  You fainted.”  “Yes, Jeeves.  Thank you.  Perhaps you could fetch me a glass of bubbly water.”  See!  One faint!  Well, I grabbed Corpas wherever I had room.  If anyone can take a day-to-day and turn it into a 60-day DL stint, it’s Street.

Jorge de la Rosa – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now has back-to-back solid starts.  Yes, I’d prefer him over Volquez at this point.

Troy Tulowitzki – 0-for-4 as he returned to the lineup.  Hope his return this soon isn’t *pinkie to mouth* wristki.

Tyler Colvin – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer in the last week.  Get ‘em while the gettin’s good.  I before e, pick him up if you need outfield help.

Brett Myers – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Pitched brilliantly vs the Cubs.  Brett Myers’ wife was just glad he didn’t win a slugfest because sometimes Brett brings work home with him.

Chris Johnson – 2-for-4.  I picked him up for Monday’s short schedule day, but I held onto him a little longer and dropped someone else.  Why?  Cause Johnson’s crazy hot right now.

Hong-Chih Kuo – 2 IP, 0 ER, 5 Ks.  His ERA is 0.79, his WHIP is 0.76 and lefties are 0-for-the-season off him.  How’s your Holds guy doing?

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Hasn’t given up more than 2 runs in any game since June 2nd.  Yup.

Alexei Ramirez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer.  He has 5 steals on the year and a .288 average.  Take this how you want, but his stats are exactly what they should be.

Kerry Wood – Will close again when activated.  The Indians should’ve added, “And we can’t wait for him to return, because we love love love having him as our closer.  But we’d be willing to listen to offers if someone really wanted to trade for him.”

Josh Tomlin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Josh Tomlin, who likes to talk about himself in the third person, said, “Josh Tomlin fears no man, woman or whatever A-Rod is.”  Tomlin, 25, had a solid record in Triple-A this year –  2.68 ERA, 80:33 K:BB in 107 1/3 innings.  Could be a decent AL-Only pickup since hitters won’t be familiar with him.  You’re crazy if you grab him in mixed leagues.  Cray.  Zee.

Stephen Strasburg – Was scratched from his start when he couldn’t get loose.  He has inflammation in his right shoulder.  Wouldn’t be surprised if the Nats are very cautious and rest him for a week or so.  When the crowd saw it was Batista and not Strasburg starting, it was almost a modern day, Disco Demolition Night.  Like showing up at the theater and hearing, “Due to an illness to Kevin Spacey, his understudy will be performing tonight — the dad from The Hogan Family.”

Scott Olsen – Will return from the DL this Thursday.  He’s worth a grab, if you’re hurting for a 5th fantasy starter, but I wouldn’t start him in his first game back.

Edinson Volquez – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Yeah, that wasn’t much better than his last start.  Tommy John recipients tend to have command issues when they return and Volquez already had problems throwing a rock into the ocean without the assist from gravity.  I’d start looking elsewhere.

Scott Rolen – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs in his 2nd game back.  Or as I like to call it “two less days until his next injury.”  If you’re hurting at your corner infidel spot, I could see grabbing him while he’s ‘healthy.’

Jose Lopez – Tight hamstring forced him from the game.  He’s day-to-day, or Day II Day, if you’re into R&B.

B.J. Upton – Twisted ankle and left the game.  He’s day-to-day, which isn’t nearly as exciting as one day until Desmond Jennings’ day.

Justin Upton – Left with hip tightness.  The Uptons should have never vacationed to Hawaii and stole that tiki idol from Vincent Price.

Shane Victorino – Is it me or did the entire league get hurt yesterday?  His oblique injury looked like it could mean a DL stint.  He could barely throw the ball back in.  Victorino said he’s hoping to avoid the DL.  Oh, who cares what Victorino’s saying?  Here comes Domonic Brown!  Maybe.  But pick him up just in case.

Dan Haren – Hey, some good injury news!  Haren says he’ll be able to make his next start.

John Lackey – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. his former club, the Angels, as the Rally Monkey tipped his cap one last time.

J.J. Hardy – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and a homer.  I’ve quietly owned Hardy in one league for a week or two.  He’s hit in 8 of his last ten games and is capable of hitting 10 homers in the last two months.  It’s not much until you consider it’s at MI.

Danny Valencia – 4-for-4 on Monday, 4-for-5 yesterday…  14 for his last 19.  Yeah, I grabbed him in multiple leagues.  I think he flames out as quick as he’s heated up, but who knows?  Maybe he’ll Chris Shelton it for three weeks.  Oh, and if you’re wondering who I dropped.  Dexter Fowler, you’re dead to me until you start hitting again.  Get well soon!

Mike Gonzalez – 1 2/3, 0 ER.  Meanwhile, Alfredo got creamed.  You do the math!

Jose Bautista – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers to bring his total to 30.  Okay, I was way off with this guy, but I don’t think even Jose Bautista saw this year coming.  This is the craziest HR season since Brady Anderson suddenly hit 50 HRs.  Bautista hadn’t hit 30 homers in the past two years combined in 350 extra ABs.  It’s okay, it’ll make next year’s overrated post that much sweeter to write.

Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 13 Ks.  On the season, he has 114 Ks to 7 walks.  There’s gonna be some upset people on the internet when he loses the Cy Young because he doesn’t have enough wins.

Michael Wuertz – 1 IP, 2 ER and the first two run outing in over a month.  I haven’t had a year like this in a while.  I literally pick up a middle reliever to vulture saves and he invariably gives up runs.  It’s the Wuertz!

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Best looking start for Hanson in over a month.  Could be headed for a solid finish on a pretty lukewarm season.

Chris Coghlan – He tore his meniscus while throwing a pie in Wes Helms face.  This is the worst pie-related injury since Stan Gable’s heart was broken when he saw his Betty topless at the bottom of a Nerd-sold creme pie.  But pie-related injuries go back centuries.  The first known pie-related injury was when Euclid hurt his pelvis during a visual explanation of circumference.  Chris Coghlan’s offseason workout program will be him serving tables at Marie Callender’s.