Fantasy Baseball Advice

The national budget isn’t the only thing that’s strained in DC, Ryan Zimmerman is headed to the DL with an ab strain.  This was an injury that originally happened in Spring Training and now it looks like the ab has taken out a *pinkie to mouth* restraining order.   Zimmerman always seemed like such a good boy, who knew he had a bad side?  For those baby boomers in the audience, Robert Zimmerman is Dylan and Ryan Zimmerman is illin’.  For those housewives reading on, Ryan’s owners whine of choice is Zimm-for-DL.  Yeah, that pun is a worse strain than his.  So now that this strain has resurfaced, it makes me think the Nats are going to let it heal for a lot longer than 15 days to make sure there’s no more relapses.  Worse, if they don’t play it safe and rush him back in two weeks, he could reinjure himself and be out for another few weeks.  (Something that could, unfortunately, happen anyway.)  All in all, it’s a good day to not own Zimmerman.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Alexi Ogando – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A…O…A’ight!  BTW, do you know Tony Danza’s blood type?  It’s AO.  Watch out, Catskills, here comes Grey!  Another great start for the converted outfielder.  It’s been a while since the Rangers let an outfielder take the mound (see Jose Canseco) but it’s paid off big.  Looks like Tommy Hunter has been Pipp’d!  Ogando did leave in the 8th with a recurring blister.  It’s something to watch.  Not literally, unless you’re in the same room as him.

Justin Verlander – 9 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Rudy’s Cy Young pick held down the dangerous Texas offense.  If the Tigers could’ve scored a few runs and Verlander had more than 4 Ks, it would’ve warranted more exclamatory punctuation.

Andrew Bailey – A’s said he should be back in a few weeks.  So his ETA for getting hurt again is approximately a few weeks and a day.

Rajai Davis – To the 15-day DL with an ankle injury.  You never hear about cankle injuries.  You goofed, God, cankles are more durable.

Sam Fuld – 4-for-6 with two doubles, a triple and a homer to complete The Hungry Man cycle.  The 30-year-old AAAA Cub OF has become a Bear since he moved to Tampa.  He’s now stolen 5 SBs on the year and hit his first bomb today.  Don’t drop anyone too valuable for him, but you’ve got to ride his hot streak.

Jeremy Hellickson – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (5 walks), 1 K.  Hellickson didn’t have his ‘A’ stuff.  Wasn’t quite his Triple-A stuff either.  Didn’t matter since the Rays bats finally made it through customs.

Matt Joyce – 1-for-6, batting third.  Would’ve been nice if he had a big game to justify him staying in the lineup, but that’s A Portrait of the Unqualified Hitter in the Three Hole from Joyce.

Adrian Gonzalez – 1-for-2 with a triple and Ortiz went 2-for-4 with a triple as the grounds crew at Fenway moved third base on top of second.

Edinson Volquez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks with more first inning shenanigans.  The Reds might consider letting Volquez pitch batting practice to the Reds before his starts.

Chris Heisey – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer as he hit leadoff.  Dusty thinks Oh-Bee-Pee is that movie theater candy that stick in your teeth, but I still wouldn’t be surprised if Stubbs sits a lot more if he doesn’t start hitting.

Jonny Gomes – Now has a homer in back-to-back games.  Not quite as hot as Jennifer Connelly going back-to-back in Requiem for a Dream, but not bad.

Jonathan Herrera – 2-for-4, now 7 for his last 10 with steals in back-to-back games.  Shouldn’t last but in deep enough leagues, I’d definitely take a look.  (Note: As I wrote that, WordPress told me, “You do not have permission to do that.”  Take that as you want.)

Seth Smith – 3-for-4 with a steal.  Right now, The Lisper’s Nightmare is playing every day vs. righties and hitting .367.

Mike Pelfrey – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Probably the last time I’m going to repeat myself on this topic so head’s up to those of youse who weren’t paying attention for the last three months.  Ixnay on the Elfreypay.

Mark Buehrle – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K.  Isn’t it funny — which naturally means this is completely unfunny — how Buehrle throws a perfect game or near-perfect game a few times a year then is totally mediocre the rest of the year?

Matt Thornton – 1/3 IP with the blown save, but the tying run was unearned, so there’s the junebug on the duck’s back or some other yokelism.  BTW, Juan Pierre has blown the last two Thornton blown saves.  He’s like the anti-DeWayne Wise.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Homer yesterday, now has 4 homers on the year.  A’la Cher from Clueless, “As….DRUBAL!”

Mitch Talbot – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Talbot has a 1.46 ERA on the year, Indians are 8-2 and a pig just flew by my window.  And the pig was wearing a lovely Hawaiian muumuu from Talbot’s.

Tyler Chatwood – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Did they promote him from an Indiana high school?  (Hey, Hoosiers fans!)  He’s super young/raw/adjective and his last name sounds like a website you don’t want your significant other finding in your browser history.  I wouldn’t touch Chatwood at all this year in non-keepers, until he strings together a few weeks of quality starts.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-5, a steal and hitting .364.  He’s no As…DRUBAL!  But he’s doing his thang.  Or is it thing?

Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  It’s time to worry that the extra innings last year are emphasizing the first syllable of his last name.

Pat Burrell – 2-for-2 with his 4th homer.  It’s Pat the Bat and he’s swinging, ladies.

Chone Figgins – It’s one thing when someone like Ryan Howard doesn’t hit their weight, but when it’s someone like Figgins it’s another thing.  Figgins left Monday night’s game early with a thumb bruise – early word is that it’s day-to-day but he probably warrants a stint on the Disgraceful List.

Matt Kemp – 1-for-2, 1 RBI and his 7th steal while batting .441!  New coach Davey Lopes is like the SB whisperer.  BTW, a friend went to Kemp’s party after the Dodgers opening night win at a club here in LA.  Two hours after the win, Kemp was standing on the bar with two champagne bottles flipped over, pouring into his mouth like he was a fountain.  I like it!  He’s playing loose!

Rafael Furcal – Broken thumb and he’s contemplating retirement.  Sounds like his dream of being a movie reviewer isn’t going to happen either.

Jon Rauch – Yesterday, Shawn Camp got to blow the game for the Jays.  Okay, not sure where Rauch was.  A pickup game with Mets pitcher, Chris Young?  Saving a kitten from the top of a skyscraper?  Picking coconuts?

Mat Latos – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Actually, he didn’t look that bad, but I still wouldn’t buy into him because of the excess innings from last year.  Also, I find it weird how I loved him last year and this year I watched him for about two innings and thought he was such a douche.  “Ooh, I’m Mat Latos and I’m yelling for Gomes to run faster on a home run.”  Perhaps if you stop giving them up, it won’t be a problem.  How’s dem apples?  Sour?

Orlando Hudson – 2-for-4, 2 steals.  He stole 4 bases in April of 2009 and only stole 4 more the rest of the year.  Yup.

Corey Patterson – 2-for-5 with a homer as he filled in for Rajai.  Looking for a guy that can give you an 0-for-35?  Look no further!  For a limited time only, Patterson might be a worthwhile fantasy add.

Milton Bradley – 2-for-4 with his first homer.  He’s still batting third and batty, in general.

Lance Berkman – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Welcome to the Cardinals, Guy Who Looks Like He Could Be the Host of Man vs. Food’s Father.

Kyle McClellan – 6 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  For my next trick, I will resurrect Steve Howe’s corpse and turn him into a Hall of Famer.  That’s what Dave Duncan said after yesterday’s game.

Jake Peavy was walking off the field before the trainers even got to him.  On a scale of bad signs, that’s around a 9.  That’s on a scale of 1 to 8.  The good news is it’s not his arm.  It’s his dorsi muscle.  Peavy’s a dolphin?  Put down your noisemakers, it’s not that good of news.  To paraphrase Ludacris, “Peavy back bad, Peavy not good… Peavy back don’t do stuff that yo’ back do… (Repeat chorus 17 times.)”  Daniel Hudson, rocking a 3.47 ERA in a hitters’ park in the minors, could get the call if Peavy needs a DL stint.  You know that guy you see when you search for Tim Hudson on the waiver wire?  That’s him!  He has more than a K/IP in the minors, though his control is iffy at times.  He’s worth a pick up in AL-Only or deep mixed keeper leagues.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aaron Harang – Headed to the DL with back spasms.  Dusty said, “If he dies, he dies,” while wrapped in a Reds flag.

Yovani Gallardo – To the DL with an oblique strain.  Won’t be back until the end of the month as YoGa tries to get stretched out.  Namaste.

Brad Penny – I faintly remember him pitching this year.  He was good, wasn’t he?  He was shut down during a simulated game, experiencing more soreness.  Can’t Dave Duncan rub his hands together and touch the pain?

Felipe Lopez – 2-for-5 with a homer as he hits near .450 in the last week.  Or “For Fiddy,” if you’re sending a care package to the G-Unit.

Ryan Franklin – 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Ouch… Wait, what?  Oh.  Ow.

Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-4 with a homer.  All he does is hit (when he’s first called up then disappears into oblivion).

Delmon Young – 3-for-3.  Now hitting over .400 in July after a .320 June.  Know what would be nice?  If he were batting higher than 8th.

Carl Pavano – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  That, sir, is no line from a man with a mustache.  Shave immediately!

Joe Mauer – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer.  His homer totals from 2005 to 2009 were:  9, 13, 7, 9, 28.  Does one number look off?  Yeah, well how come you didn’t listen when February Grey told you that?

Clayton Richard – 6 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Thursday’s afternoon post was going to be about how Clay-T Richard, along with a bunch of other SPs, were pitching over their head.  Consider this a preview.

Mat Latos – Here’s Bud Black for the last three months.  Latos won’t be limited, won’t be limited, won’t be limited, then yesterday he said he’d probably be limited.

Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4 with 2 homers after he took the better part of June off.  I missed your touch, Black Keys.

Jayson Nix – Hit his 4th homer in the last four games.  If you’re struggling to catch a spark at MI, I’d grab Nix and ride the heat.

Johan Santana – 9 IP, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and a homer.  This year Johan has one homer every 30 ABs.  Jason Bay has a homer every 50 ABs.  Cust kayin’.

Jose Reyes – 2-for-4 as he returned to action.  He was running hard, not favoring any side (back?) pain.

Matt Diaz – 3-for-5.  It’s Dye-as.  Lefty killer.  Anyone who’s read this site for a long time knows that I’ve always liked Diaz as a platoon outfielder. (Play him against his strong side, sit vs. weak side.  Rinse, repeat.)

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  For a while, it was touch and go while it looked like Brian Moehler was ghost riding the Wandwagon, but now it looks like he’s back.

Carlos Lee – Hit a homer yesterday along with Lance Berkman.  Must’ve been throwback night at The Juicebox.  Did Jeff Bagwell throw out the first pitch underhanded because of a hurt shoulder?

Jeff Niemann – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He shouldn’t be pitching this well.  If you’ve heard that before, it’s because I’ve written it before.

Kosuke Fukudome – Hit his 2nd homer in 2 games.  Here’s what I wrote yesterday, “…he gets crazy hot for a week or two at a time.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  Too bad anyone in their right mind has either dropped or benched him by now.

Aaron Heilman – 1 IP, 2 ER.  I’d say Kazaam!, but Kirk Gibson went into a press conference the other day fist pumping and said, “I have no idea who the closer is.  Maybe it’s Qualls, maybe it’s that lady in the front row of all the games that had me sign her breast.  These things haven’t been decided yet.”  I think Qualls gets first look, then Front Row Lady.

Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-3 with 2 homers.  On pace for 120 RBIs, less than 30 homers and like no steals.  Feels like he still hasn’t had one crazy hot streak, so he can easily bump up his numbers to 35 homers and 10 steals.  In other words, same shizz, different year.

Jose Guillen – Left the game with an injury, probably will head to the DL.  Maybe the Royals can now trade him for Mike Jacobs.

Wilson Betemit – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer in 19 games.  The Royals are playing him, as they should.  You should consider it too.

Jhoulys Chacin – 3 IP, 4 ER in middle relief as he makes room for de la Rosa, who’s due back this Friday.  In NL-Only leagues and deep keepers, I’d hold Yo-lease with his nasty K/9.

Chris Iannetta – Now has 3 homers in his last six games.  Unfortunately, those six games are separated by 11 days.  From the files of Sad, But True:  Iannetta has only one less homer than Wieters.

Seth Smith – 3-for-4 with his 12th homer.  Putting together a nice year as long as you sit him vs. lefties.  Ooh, I know!  Trade Matt Diaz to the Rockies and let him platoon with Smith.

Vicente Padilla – After a typical start, after a 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks start.

Matt Kemp – 2-for-5 with a home run and two steals.  Or as it’s more commonly known, a slam & legs.

Alex Rios – 1-for-3 with a home run.  I told you to sell him at the very end of May.  In June, 2 homers and 5 steals with a .297 average.  In July, 1 homer and 1 steal with a .176 average.  So 3 homers and 6 steals with a .280 average.  I think we can agree there’s guys with less name value giving you the same.

Madison Bumgarner – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Brewers who have only scored three runs in the last three games.  Mad-Bum’s pitching better than I thought he would.  I’d absolutely grab him in mixed leagues, but you run the risk of getting roofied at any point.

Miguel Cabrera – Hit his 21st homer as he took a late hit off The Sauce.  Alfredo, that is.

Armando Galarraga – Sent to the minors.  I wonder if he’ll drive his Corvette.

Felix Pie – 2-for-6 in his return to the lineup.  So what’s to like about Pie?  Well, the weird guy in the overalls at The Home Depot is not the only one who’s toolsy.  Pie is a speed and power combo guy.  He’s just not quite that powerful or that, um, speedful.  In AL-Only and deep mixed leagues, I’d take a flyer.

Chris Tillman – Should replace the DL’d Millwood.  Tillman started 4 games earlier this year and gave up 14 earned runs in 15 innings with his worst start coming in San Fran.  I wouldn’t pick up Tillman with your team.

Nick Markakis – 5 HRs, 2 SBs on the year.  Evidently, he’s a hypochondriakakis and gleaned from Luke Scott and Brian Roberts that hitting HRs and stealing bases leads to injuries.

Kevin Youkilis – Left the game with ankle pain after clearing the plate with his foot.  The last Red Sox that got hurt clearing the plate was Sam Horn who pulled his abdomen partaking in a pie-eating contest.

You know how cutters cut themselves to take their mind off some pain in their life? (RIP, Frankie from The Real World… San Diego!) Well, I have an idea that major league teams can employ.  They should hire absolutely terrible ex-major leaguers to make slumping hitters feel better about themselves.  “Pena, you’re in a real bad slump, but imagine how I felt when I hit .195 for the better part of the 1990′s?”  Wait, they already do this.  They’re called major league managers.  So, Carlos Pena is capable of 10+ homer months and 40 homers on the year.  His average isn’t going to be good.  He’s not a .170-something hitter though.  Even if he hits only .210 this year.  That’s a forty-something point increase from where he is.  Right now, fantasy baseballers (<–my Mom’s term) aren’t just trading Pena on the low, they’re flat out dropping him.  So you don’t have to buy him for a lot, you barely have to buy him for anything.  You could throw a Pena owner a bag of empty pistachio shells that you already licked and they’d probably be happy to get Pena off their team.  In fact, I just saw a guy walk through heavy traffic wearing a Carlos Pena jersey.  Hmm… Maybe that was Carlos Pena.  Come back, Pena, you’ll be better!  (Note:  I wrote this before I was told that Pena was a Buy Low guy at ESPN.  Though I still haven’t read what they said, it makes sense when a 40 homer guy is struggling.  Note from Hater Bell:  Hey, Grey, you and Karabell should get a room and have sex.)  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

John Axford – Hoffman will either suddenly hang ‘em up and retire or he’ll be the closer again by the end of the month.  At least that’s what my Magic Eight Ball that I purchased at Spencer’s Gifts says.  In the meantime, grab Axford.  He could get sloppy with his walks at some point, but he’s getting saves now.  And, yes, I am an Axfordian scholar.

Bobby Jenks – Why’s he getting dropped everywhere?  He’s still the closer.  SAGNOF, people, SAGNOF!

Brad Lidge – Of course if you own him you’re going to wake up with night terrors, screaming Lidge’s name.  Sure, there’s a good chance if he gets called into a game in Citizens Flank, a Philly fan may attack him with a blunt object, but Manuel wants Lidge to be the closer and what Manuel wants he gets, which usually just means a nice piece of straw to chew on.

Brandon Lyon – Just went over him.  Scroll or click.  It’s your choice now.  Good luck!

Buster Posey – Here’s what I said the other day, “Capable of a .300 average and 10+ homers.  He’s playing 1st base so that makes him more desirable than some other catchers because he’ll get more counting stats.  Plus, he has potential for a breakout.  When in doubt, go for upside.  I’d grab him (in the non-perverse way) in all leagues.”  And that’s me cutting and pasting me!

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Holy crap, am I really telling people to buy Kouzmanoff?  See, this is the kind of thing that is going to have people digging through my transcripts from the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston.  Okay, I want Rolen, Glaus and about 17 other guys before Kouzmanoff, but if you’re hard up, Kouz is going off, for now that’s e’noff.

Seth Smith – Might be the least exciting name in the history of names.  At least John Doe has some mystery to it.  As a baseball player, Seth Smith isn’t much more exciting.  He’ll sit vs. lefties, but there’s more righties, so there’s that.  If you can platoon him, he has 20 homer power and a decent average.

Angel Pagan – I fully expect Pagan to be unownable soon enough, but I actually grabbed this guy last week in a few leagues and damned if this Pagan ain’t doing the devil’s work.

Mike Stanton – I’ve spoken about how wild this turkey can be at length.  You click now.  You’re welcome.

John Ely – He’s only owned in 58% of ESPN leagues, but 40% of ESPN are abandoned, which means he’s available in 2% of leagues.  That’s still too high.

Max Scherzer – People seem slow to re-add him.  Aw, you’ve been wounded.  Your psyche is hurt.  Is it your ego?  I got crocodile tears and they’re running down the side of my jowls.  Just grab Scherzer again.

Brett Cecil – Yeah, I don’t like AL East matchups either.  Yeah, I wouldn’t start him against the Yankees tonight eye-there.  Cecil still has 40 Ks and 12 BBs in 49 2/3 IP.  His BABIP is a little low, but I’d still own him and sit him for certain aforementioned matchups.

Carlos Monasterios – His last name is Spanish for “spot starter with a chance for morios.”  It doesn’t translate that well.

SELL

Grady Sizemore – Yeah, sucks you’re losing your 2nd round pick, but I wouldn’t hold him unless I had a DL spot, and, even then, there’s probably a better DL grab off waivers.

Kendry Morales – See 1/8th an inch above.  Or read backwards until you read “LLES” then go forward again.

Austin Jackson – He’s top ten for Ks in the major leagues and his BABIP is Simple Jack-ish.

Matt Cain – Another year, another Matt Cain-is-getting-too-lucky-to-sustain-his-numbers post.  His Ks have actually gone down this year and he’s getting insanely lucky, even compared to last year.  Cain’s able, but not this much.

Aaron Hill – Whoa, Grey, you are out of line!  Hill’s actually hitting right now. I know, Random Italicized Voice, but that’s why you should start exploring trade offers.  I GOTTA SIDE WITH THE R.I.V. HERE.  MY FANTASY BASEBALL ‘PERT DONE GONE CRAZY!  Okay, Mr. Caps, let me at least speak.  SAY YOUR PIECE.  People are starting to think Hill is coming around and he might be, but everyone is starting to think Hill’s coming around.  So his value has actually gone up after floating around in the john for two months.  He still dealt with a hamstring injury that has recurred once already.  That injury could return at any time.  He will hit better than his current .188, but he’s not having a career year again.  He had that last year.  People might actually think he can do it again now that he is hitting.  You know you done messed up when you drafted him and now’s the time when you might actually get some value back.  Don’t trade Hill for a melted Coolatta, but explore offers.

Scott Rolen went 2-for-4 as he hit his 3rd homer in the last week.  Now has 11 homers and 30 RBIs.  I’d say he’s in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he’s not.  He almost was then I thought about what I would write about him.  I didn’t want to write about how I wasn’t sure what to write about him.  I figured that was pointless.  Wait…  Oh.  Soooo, Rolen will hit 25 homers this year with a decent average and RBIs or he’ll get hurt and play only 100 games.  I’m thinking the latter happens, but I’d own him if I needed power for a chance at the former.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.   Could say his run of 6 straight solid starts has to do with his opponents, but he’s in the NL Central who’s he gonna face?  1985 Cards?  Ooh, Tommy Herr, I’m scared.

Brandon Phillips – I don’t own him anywhere but I get comments about trading him away or some shizz.  So I looked at his stats today.  He has 6 homers and 7 steals.  I’ll agree when you’re going along that’s fairly yawnstipating, but that’s also a 20/20 pace, exactly where he should be.  Phillips is who he is.  Like with boxers, you gotta your boys breath.

Nelson Cruz – Another day, another hamstring injury.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see him back on the DL within a few days.  The alternative is he plays through the hamstring injury for a few days then hurts himself worse.  If I could bottle a way to strengthen hamstrings, I’d misplace it then find it three years later wondering what it is.  Then I’d open it, smell it and think to myself, “Is this Drakkar?”

Curtis Granderson – To return today.  Isn’t it weird how it’s today?  Tomorrow makes sense.  It’s to morrow.  You’re going to morrow.  Going to day is redundant.  Should be just day.  Hmm, I sound like I’m on narcotics.

Joey Votto – Out for a second day with a stiff neck.  Maybe he has a Viagra lodged in his throat.  Thank you, Shecky Greene!

John Ely – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Loving Ely so far, even if I benched him in certain leagues yesterday.  Hey, can’t blame him that I need a cup check.  WHY DO YOU LOVE HIM SO MUCH?  Thanks for asking, Mr. Caps.  He has 32 Ks against 6 walks and a 1.00 WHIP through 39 innings.  He is doing a better impersonation of Slowey than Slowey himself.

Ted Lilly – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has a 3.63 ERA on the year or exactly the same ERA you would think Ted Lilly would have for the last ten years if you didn’t actually look it up.

Geovany Soto – Has one hit since May 16th.  One way to have people stop saying how bad your sophomore slump is by making your junior slump even worse.

Casey McGehee – Kinda weird how it looks like his stat line:  24/9/41/.315/1 and Prince Fielder’s 29/7/19/.264/1 look like they’re in the movie, Vice Versa and Prince Fielder is Fred Savage.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners (8 Walks), 1 K.  You know it’s bad when you drop a guy before the game is even over and it doesn’t even feel liberating when you lose him.  I don’t know how I got bamboozled into starting Dice-BB in a league.  Such a bad judgment call.  I blame Alfredo Simon for going on the DL and giving me room on my roster.

P.J. Walters – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Guy sounds like he’s on an 80′s detective show where he solves all the cases in his pajamas.  P.J. Walters:  The Groggy Eye.  So, this start was vs. the Padres in Petco.  He’ll probably stick for now in the rotation with the lose of Lohse.  I’d look at him in NL-Only leagues, but no mixed leagues yet.

Josh Willingham – Now has 3 homers in the last week while he bats near .400.  Something’s cooking and it smells like ham.

Justin Maxwell – 0-for-3 as he bats .138 for the year.  He leadoff yesterday.  Nyjer Morgan’s sucking up a boba straw’s worth of crap this year.  He bats leadoff all the time.  Know how many times Desmond’s hit leadoff?  Not once.  Thanks, Nats, for my ulcer.

Jose Reyes – 3-for-4 as he raised his average 39 points in the last 7 games.  In the beginning of the month, I said he’d be hitting .255 by the end of the month with 17 steals.  He needs to hit around .300 in his last three games with a handful of steals.  Even if it doesn’t happen what he’s done over the last week shows not only what he can do but what any struggling star can do.  Sure, Holliday looks lost.  But at some point he will turn it on and you’ll be glad you have him.  Nobody talks about the fantasy baseball championship they won on May 31st, still plenty of time left.  Over 4 months to be inexact.  Okay, school’s out, Alice Cooper.

Carlos Beltran – Mets say Beltran is unlikely to return before mid-July.  A report out of New York said a kid who was born the day Beltran went on the DL said his first words yesterday, “Beltran sucks.”

Seth Smith – Has now hit 3 homers in the last two days.  He should be in today’s Buy/Sell but he won’t be because I’m telling you to pick him up right now.

Jason Hammel – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Been a complete and utter mess this year, but he had a 3.13 ERA last year in Away games and his next start is in San Francisco.

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has two solid starts in a row.  His peripherals were saying he should be better and it looks like he’s been listening.

Jeff Niemann – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has a 2.37 ERA and a 1.05 WHIP.  I’m going to sound like an obstinate broken record here.  But I don’t buy into Neimann at all.  At all.  At–

B.J. Upton – Sat out his second straight day for a mental rest.  As frequent commenter, Steve, said, “Well, owning him is driving me mental so I guess it’s fair enough.”

Jason Kubel – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 homers as someone popped the Kubel.  Now has 5 doubles and 5 homers on the year as he bats .233.  I didn’t think he’d only hit 3 homers and .200 the whole year, so he had to hit at some point.  This could be the point.  He’s really no different than Cody Ross or Luke Scott or a dozen other guys who could hit 25 homers this year.  Just depends whose outfield basket you want your eggs.

Javier Vazquez – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He left with a bruised finger.  His fantasy owners have a middle finger he can borrow.

Brad Lidge – Wants to return on Monday.  Philly fans, prepare your vomit.

Hisanori Takahashi had a nearly identical line last night as his last start; 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  A) I’m chalking it up to his histrionic delivery.  All of it.  You baffle people who haven’t seen you when you throw the ball between your legs and shake your tukis afterwards.  B) Did I just say tukis?  Hey, I’m Eli Whiteside!  C) He could continue to baffle people for a good couple of months.  D) He plays in Metco.  E) I can’t believe there was a D let alone an E.  F) A long long way to run.  G) He gets the Padres next.  H) He’s in the NL on a team that can win some games.  Why not own him?  Seriously, grab him now.  I) Am writing this.  J) Buhner.  K)  There’s no K, there’s never a K.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jose Reyes – 2-for-4 and a home run.  Thank you, Lord.

Brandon Morrow – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s shown a tendency to tie his owners to the WHIPping post this year, but the Ks have been real nice.

Mike Gonzalez – Had a setback in his rehab.  Oh, no, did he huff glue?  Oh, different rehab.  Trembley said, “Mike is fine with (throwing long toss), and we think if he does that for a week or so, his arm strength will come back to where it was.”  Where it was when he was sucking or where it was when he wasn’t sucking?  Can we get a sucking or no sucking clarification?  I think we’ll be lucky to see Mike Gonzalez save a game before the All-Star Break.  Through no design of the terrific bullpen that is covering for him.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Out with soreness on his side as he underwent a CT scan.  (I actually just had a CT scan on Sunday.  I’m still glowing in the dark from the iodine they shot me up with.)  I know this might be a bitter pill(sbury) to swallow, but I don’t think it’s going to be a great season for Ellsbury.  Getting that Brian Roberts in spring training vibe.  That is all.

Adrian Beltre – 4-for-5, 6 RBIs and 2 Homers.  Wasn’t it just yesterday I asked where his power is?  Boom goes the dynamite!

Mark Buehrle – In the 3rd inning he was ejected for arguing over a balk call, the second one called on him in the game.  Hawk Harrelson said of the ump, “He wrong.”

Carlos Quentin – 0-for-4.  He’s a mess.  I’m done defending him.  But he’s so talented!  Okay, now I’m done.  He could go off for a month or two or he can get injured, but right now all he’s doing is looking lost at the plate.  In most shallow leagues, I think it’s time to deploy the parachute and jump ship, to mix modes of transportation.  Granted, now that I’m officially moving on, CQ will begin to hit.

Bobby Jenks – 1 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners.  This was a Kazaam to make Dotel say, “Damn.”  I’d continue to hold Thornton after this smashterpiece.

Derek Holland – Got an inning of relief just to stay loose for his Sunday start.  All’s well in Holland land (stutter much?).

Jeremy Bonderman – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Mariners.  This was an easy start.  He gets the Indians next.  Again, not too shabby.

Garrett Atkins – Hit his first homer of the year yesterday.  Now Atkins is back to no carbs and weak grounders to short.

Trevor Cahill – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He has 17 Ks to 10 walks in 35 and a third innings this year.  The left mouth says, “Bel…” The right mouth says, “ch.”  Together, “Belch.”

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A bounceback of sorts, but against the Marlins I would’ve preferred to see more Ks and less walks (5).

Brian McCann – Left the game with a sore quad.  That’s what she said!  Wait, what?

Bronson Arroyo – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Pirates.  This season, he’s gotten the Pirates three times, Padres, the no-hitting Cards twice, Indians and Astros.  Yet, he still has a 4.30 ERA.  Though the Reds do get nice matchups in the NL Central.  Actually, everyone gets nice matchups in the NL Central.

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Sonavabench!  Why does he keep getting the Yankees?  Did they switch divisions?  Where’s the peasant Royals?  The I’m-not-making-any-derogatory-comments-about-the-Indians-for-fear-of-coming-off-racist Indians?

Matt Garza – 5 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Like to Control-Alt-Delete this start.  Well, his ERA is still under 3 on the year.  Hoping this was just a blip.

Ben Zobrist – Now has three homers in his last ten games.  I don’t own him anywhere so I hope he goes into oblivion with Crystal Bowersox, but it’s still early enough in the season where he can reach all of his projections.

Roy Oswalt – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Never underestimate someone’s motivation to look appealing to get the hell off the Astros.

Tom Gorzelanny – 5 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I was just admiring his K-rate the other day and now he’s probably going to get bumped for Big Z.  Too bad, so sad.

Derrek Lee – Another three hit night as he raised his average 24 points in the last three games.

Jaime Garcia – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks and a 1.14 ERA on the year.  He has 24 walks to 45 Ks.  That’s a sign that when his ERA corrects itself, it’s not going to be pretty.

Trevor Hoffman – Threw a scoreless 7th after throwing a scoreless 8th the other day.  By June, he’s going to be starting games.  In all seriousness, the Brewers want Hoffman to be their closer and he’s days away from resuming that role.

Carlos Gonzalez – Broke an 0-for-14 slump and his first homer in 10 days.  Hopefully this is the start again (restart?) of something good.

Seth Smith – Hit two homers yesterday.  I wonder if he would trade one of those homers for a more interesting name.  Say Ubaldo?

Miguel Olivo – 3-for-4 with 2 steals.  Someone probably should’ve thrown over when he was taking an 89 foot lead.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 8 scoreless innings as he moves to 9-1 with a 0.88 ERA and 0.93 WHIP.  After the game, he won the Strasburg rookie card for $16,001, traded it for a Gregg Jefferies rookie card and now the Jefferies rookie card is worth $16,002.