Fantasy Baseball Advice

On the heels of the top 20 closers for 2012 fantasy baseball — or heals if you’re talking strictly about Huston Street and Andrew Bailey — comes every closer for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This is the post you’ve all been waiting for since earlier this morning!  Sorry to put you through that hour and a half of anguish/anticipation or anguishipation.  You were a melancholy soul.  But now you’re happy — yay.  It’s still Monday funday!  There were quite a few moves this offseason with closers relocating to greener pastures, or in some case, just different pastures.  Maybe that’s best expressed through the cliché mash-up — the grass isn’t always greener pastures.  Andrew Bailey moved, Mark Melancon moved, Ryan Madson moved, Huston Street moved, Heath Bell moved, Rafael Betancourt moved into the closer role, Sergio Santos moved and Joe Nathan moved.  A regular ol’ closerousel that we haven’t see the likes of since Tony La Russa retired (technically, that’s correct; though not exactly that long ago).  Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Craig Kimbrel (Jonny Venters)
2. John Axford (Francisco Rodriguez)
3. Drew Storen (Tyler Clippard, Brad Lidge)
4. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano)
5. Jonathon Papelbon (Antonio Bastardo)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Jose Valverde (Joaquin Benoit, Octavio Dotel)
7. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla)
8. J.J. Putz (David Hernandez, Takashi Saito)
9. Heath Bell (Juan Leo Carlos Nunez Oviedo, Mike Dunn)
10. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Jeff Samardzija)
11. Joakim Soria (Jonathon Broxton, Greg Holland)
12. Joel Hanrahan (Evan Meek)
13. Ryan Madson (Sean Marshall, Nick Masset)
14. Kenley Jansen (Javy Guerra, Todd Coffey)
15. Jason Motte (Eduardo Sanchez)
16. Huston Street (Luke Gregerson)
17. Andrew Bailey (Mark Melancon, Bobby Jenks)
18. Sergio Santos (Francisco Cordero)
19. Jordan Walden (Scott Downs, LaTroy Hawkins)
20. Kyle Farnsworth (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Chris Perez– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Asdrubal in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

21. Frank Francisco (Jon Rauch, Ramon Ramirez)
22. Rafael Betancourt (Rex Brothers)
23. Matt Thornton (Jesse Crain, Addison Reed)
24. Joe Nathan (Mike Adams, Alexi Ogando)
25. Brandon League (Shawn Kelley, Hong-Chih Kuo)
26. Chris Perez (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp)
27. Jim Johnson (Kevin Gregg, Matt Lindstrom)
28. Matt Capps (Joel Zumaya, Glen Perkins)
29. Brian Fuentes (Grant Balfour, Joey Devine)
30. Juan Abreu (Wilton Lopez, David Carpenter, Fernando Rodriguez, The Ghost of Ed Wade’s Toupee)

The 2012 fantasy baseball rankings have reached the next to next to next to last stop with the top 20 closers for 2012 fantasy baseball.  These top 20 closers are different than all of the other rankings.  The closers on the top of this list you should not draft and there are closers that aren’t on this list that you should be targeting.  Shortly, there will be a list of every team’s closer and setup man.  I’m thinking this afternoon.  Monday funday!  The projections are also a bit wonky since you can’t predict saves.  It’s a fool’s errand.  If fool’s errand means what I think it does.  Some well-known projectionists (not the pimply kid unspooling Albert Nobbs) don’t even attempt to predict saves.  Saves come down to opportunity.  This is yet another reason why you shouldn’t draft the top guys.  Nevertheless, my projections are listed along with where I see tiers starting and stopping.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:

1. Craig Kimbrel – This is the first tier.  This tier goes from here until Storen.  I call this tier, “Young, dumb and full of speed gun.”  To illustrate further why you shouldn’t draft a top guy, the top three closers when rankings came out last year were Carlos Marmol, Neftali and Soria.  I wasn’t bonkers with a side of delusional when I put those three at the top.  It just shows you the fickliosity (Made Up Word of the Day!) of the closers.  The good news is the guys I told you to target later are now on the top of the rankings.  Sure, I’d love to get Kimbrel.  Like I’m Samuel Gerard.  Just don’t think it’s happening.  2012 Projections:  5-2/2.20/1.08/110, 40 saves

2. John Axford – I love the fact that he accepted K-Rod coming to the Brewers, took a dump in his locker* and kept on saving games.  (*Unsubstantiated claim that K-Rod assumed was his father-in-law.  K-Rod and his father-in-law are now thick as thieves and have decided to settle all arguments with a round of laser tag.)  2012 Projections:  5-1/2.40/1.16/90, 38 saves

3. Drew Storen – You want a donkeycorn?!  You can’t handle a donkeycorn!  Cause they’re wild, bucking animals.  You should get a lamb.  They’re peaceful.  2012 Projections:  4-3/2.50/1.04/75, 38 saves

4. Mariano Rivera – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Putz.  I call this tier, “Not young, not dumb, but will get the job done.”  These guys are not flashy names anymore.  Well, maybe Mo a little, but for the most part there’s no shine on these guys.  Whatever, you just want saves.  Stop being so greedy.  2012 Projections:  2-3/2.40/0.95/55, 40 saves

5. Jonathon Papelbon – Whatever junk Papelbon was smoking in 2010 when his ERA was 3.90, he stopped smoking it in 2011 when his K-rate was 12+ and his ERA was 2.94.  Or maybe he wasn’t smoking in 2010 and was smoking in 2011.  Or maybe he wasn’t smoking either year, but standing near Terry Francona when he was smoking.  Either way, Papelbon now faces the NL and not the Yankees for 18 games a year, 17 of which are televised.  2012 Projections:  4-3/2.65/1.00/80, 37 saves

6. Jose Valverde – Everyone is picking the Tigers for the World Series, so naturally Valverde is going to be five kinds of wonderful with a side of “This is better than sex!”  Then again, the Cards and Rangers’ closers weren’t so good last year, so, yeah, it makes little difference.  Not to say I don’t like Valverde, just putting shizz into perspective.  2012 Projections:  3-3/3.00/1.22/65, 35 saves

7. Brian Wilson – He had a bit of a junky season last year.  Yet, he still had 36 saves and a 3.11 ERA.  You could’ve done worse *cough* Soria *cough* 2012 Projections:  5-3/2.90/1.32/70, 35 saves

8. J.J. Putz – I struggled with whether to put Putz (almost stutterer!) in the next tier of guys that I’m wary of or if I should say he’ll be fine in this tier.  After battling with myself over this Putz for about fifteen minutes, I worried I might go blind and just ranked him here.  He is a bit of a one man MASH unit, which makes sense since his full name is Jamie Jfarr Putz.  2012 Projections:  4-3/2.75/1.00/60, 32 saves

9. Heath Bell -  This is a new tier.  This tier goes to Hanrahan.  I call this tier, “High ranked closers that I’m a bit wary of.  Not enough to kick out of bed, but enough to wonder why I’m in bed with them.”  The factory underneath Petco that produces middle men that become all-world closers released a report after Bell signed with Miami.  “Miami has a team?  Oh, Florida!  We’re sorry to see Heath Bell leave our organization.  He was a valued member of our bullpen.  But, really, anyone can close games in Petco.  Have you seen our fences?  Trick question.  You haven’t seen the fences because they’re three miles from home plate.  Good luck in Miami!”  2012 Projections:  4-3/3.25/1.18/50, 37 saves

10. Carlos Marmol – I usually tell you to ignore potential trades and that other foolishness, but Epstein is dead set on shaking up the Cubs and putting his stamp on the club, so I could see Marmol setting things up for a playoff contender by mid-summer.  I know if I was headed to the playoffs I’d love to have Marmol in the 8th inning.  2012 Projections:  5-3/3.50/1.35/100, 25 saves

11. Joakim Soria -  Could totally bounce back, but why am I risking it if he doesn’t?  There’s no other closers?  Of course there is.  If I can avoid risk with a fairly high ranked closer, I am.  2012 Projections:  3-2/3.35/1.25/65, 35 saves

12. Joel Hanrahan – Hanrahananananan is a bit of wild card.  I think he can save 40 games again with a 9 K/9 and a sub-2 ERA or he can save 25 games and a high-3 ERA.  Plus, drafting him is a bit like OD’ing on tryptophananananananan.  Snooooooooze.  (BTW, after this blurb, my spellchecker quit on me.  Just got up and walked out of the room.)  2012 Projections:  2-4/3.35/1.20/65, 34 saves

13. Ryan Madson – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Street.  I call this tier, “I’ll probably own these guys on multiple teams; this tier name doesn’t rhyme and isn’t pithy.” You want guys that can become the top four for (stutterer!) next year.  Here’s your tier, snitches!  Assuming Madson doesn’t stumble for any extended period of time, he’ll be more valuable than this ranking.  The only big issue is Dusty waking up with his toothpick on the wrong side of his mouth and deciding Madson’s no longer his closer.  2012 Projections:  5-2/3.00/1.22/60, 32 saves

14. Kenley Jansen – I have a bit of a soft spot for high upside mid-tier closers.  Or is that a hard spot?  It’s why I ended up with Kimbrel and Axford on multiple teams last year and will be eying Jansen this year.  As of right now, he’s not officially the closer, but I think it happens.  If you want him, you’re gonna have to draft him around here.  I say do it.  2012 Projections:  1-3/2.25/1.00/85, 25 saves

15. Jason Motte – I’m hoping with La Russa’s Feathered Hair moving on to grayer pastures that the Cards bullpen will be a lot more stable.  If I had Madson, Jansen and Motte on every team as my only closers, I’d be so happy I’d cancel all future shrink appointments, except the ones on Tuesday because I stepped on a sidewalk crack last week.  2012 Projections:  3-4/2.50/1.10/65, 27 saves

16. Huston Street – If you hold what I said about Heath Bell in the mirror, that’s what I have to say about Street and why I like him this year.  Of course, he can’t stay healthy without the help of magical potion or whatever it was that Ryan Braun took.  2012 Projections:  2-4/3.00/1.10/50, 30 saves

17. Andrew Bailey – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Thornton.  I call this tier, “Closers that I’m probably going to miss out on, but SAGNOF tells us saves are saves are saves so I could draft one of these guys.”  A few things separate Huston Street from Andrew Bailey.  1.) Tougher home park.  2.) Tougher league. 3.) There’s no 3.  4.) Bailey’s going much higher in drafts than Street.  2012 Projections:  3-1/3.30/1.10/50, 34 saves

18. Sergio Santos – If someone said they were a time traveler and they just returned from 2013 and Santos is now the top closer, I wouldn’t be surprised though I would wonder why they used their time traveling ability for something so trivial.  My problem with Santos is his walks and he has a capable closer behind him.  A few screw ups and he’s out.  I did flip-flop on Santos since the last time I wrote about him.  A girl and Grey have a right to change their mind.  I do know what I was thinking with that post.  Ks, Ks, Ks… And more Ks.  Now, I’m getting cold feet.  Stupid poor circulation!  2012 Projections:  3-5/3.70/1.24/80, 25 saves

19. Rafael Betancourt – Maybe once and for all he can shake the Cuddle Boy label.  Maybe I don’t want to risk it on my team to find out.  Fairly wellesley, Dame Betancourt!  2012 Projections:  4-2/3.50/1.10/65, 25 saves

20. Matt Thornton – He’s 35 years old and he has 20 career saves.  By season end, Hawk says about Thornton, “He gone!” and the White Sox try out Addison Reed or Jesse Crain.  2012 Projections:  5-4/3.75/1.22/65, 20 saves

After the top 20 closers, there’s a lot of names you should draft and I’ll go over all of them.  Here’s three that stand out:

Chris Perez – Coming off a season with a 5.88 K/9 and a 3.92 BB/9.  That’s the new blech.  Again, I would take any closer that had a job, but don’t let Perez’s 36 saves last year cause you to overpay.  2012 Projections:  2-5/4.00/1.28/45, 25 saves

Joe Nathan – When he went to the Rangers, I wrote my Joe Nathan fantasy.  If you hold it up to a mirror, it’s very difficult to read.  2012 Projections:  3-4/3.75/1.18/45, 30 saves

Juan Abreu -  Who?  Did I mean to type Joan Abreu, Bobby’s loving Momsie?  I think I might’ve.  And I think Bobby’s Momsie is the favorite to get saves in Houston.  Whatever!  SAGNOF!  If someone’s getting saves, draft them!  2012 Projections:  1-4/2.70/1.28/70, 20 saves

Sergio Santos was traded to the Blue Jays for Nestor Molina, no relation to Alfred.  Santos will take over the Blue Jays closing job with Frank Francisco being waved away like a stale fart — Stank Fartcisco, if you will.  Santos was made for this job.  He’s a cyborg.  A cyborg of Ks who was sent here from the future to save games and to dance to the club remix of O Canada.  Only wish he wasn’t traded so less people would be aware of him and he’d come as a bargain in 2012 fantasy drafts.  Alas, he’s still gonna be worth a high (for a closer) draft pick.  Last year he had 92 Ks in 63 1/3 IP.  Who are you, Carlos Marmol?  I love you, Santos, now have my babies and then name them something with a K.  Like Klancy or Kasey or Keith.  Anyway, here’s some more moves for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Heath Bell – Signed with the Miami Marlins to replace Juan Carlos Oviedo, who wants to know why the Florida Marlins can change their name but he can’t.  Heath Bell will be a capable closer that I may or may not have on my fantasy teams, depending on where he’s drafted.  I think he’ll probably be too rich for my blood.  If I get a transfusion, I’ll revisit him.

Luke Gregerson – As of right now he’s going to be the Padres closer.  His K-rate was about as ugly as it gets for relievers.  Easily the worst K-rate for a successful reliever. (No data was shifted through to verify this, but he had a 5.50 K-rate; that’s egregious.  Or Egregerson, if you will.)  Does any of this matter if Gregerson’s on the board late and he’s still the closer in March (the Padres might get someone else or change their minds; it’s their prerogative)?  Nah, I’d draft Gregerson on every team of mine if he’s the closer.

Jon Rauch – Is anyone changing teams besides relievers?  C’mon, Pujols and Fielder, sign already!  For now, we have Rauch to talk about.  Yay.  He signed with the Mets to set-up in the 8th inning and reach things off of high shelves.

Frank Francisco – Hey, it’s Stank Fartcisco!  Long time no hear from.  The Mets brass, “Francisco and Rauch were so good in Toronto last year, let’s get them to close out our wins!”  Janitor overhearing them, “They weren’t good.”  Mets brass, “Hey, Janitor, you wanna manage the team?”  Janitor, “I am.  I’m Terry Collins.”  Mets brass, “Who?”  I’d be more than willing to draft Francisco since he’ll be getting saves, but it won’t be pretty.  I guarantee at least five times during 2012 you’ll hear me say, “Rauch is now the closer.”  Then a week later I’ll say, “Francisco’s the closer.”  Then a week after that I’ll say, “Hey, whatever happened to Bobby Parnell?”

Angel Pagan – Was traded to the Giants for Andres Torres (and Ramon Ramirez).  This trade happens in your fantasy league when two owners grow bored and trade apples for apples.  Neither of these apples are delicious.

Joe Saunders – Stays with the Diamondbacks.  NL West hitters rejoice.

Aaron Harang – The Harangutan brings his ugly mug to the Dodgers.  These are the times when I’m glad I don’t have to do Alyssa Milano’s job of sleeping with every Dodgers player.

Nate McLouth – Goes back to Pittsburgh.  Pirates obviously want to put together a McOutfield.  First one between Tabata and Presley to add Mc gets the starting gig.  There hasn’t been a complete McOutfield since the Federal League’s Boston Bogtrotters in 1915.

Matt Capps – Resigns with the Twins.  Member when Nathan signed with the Rangers and you asked me, “Grey, que paso?  Donde es Twins closer ahora?”  And I said, “Shut the SAP button off your computer.”  Good times we had.  Any hoo!  Capps will be the closer in Minny until he turds up their games and Gardenhire starts picking his bullpen scab.

Jerry Hairston Jr. – Signed by the Dodgers.  First Harang and now Hairston Jr.!  Dodgers look like they’re putting together a team using Groupons.

Kendrys Morales – Has been swinging aggressively and jogging on a weightless treadmill.  Looks like NASA’s got their first baseman!  In the moon league that Kendrys is training for, when you celebrate a game-winning home run, you gently fall down to home plate.

Kevin Slowey – To the Rockies.  That’s like dressing up Tina Turner as a piñata and inviting her to a quinceañera.

Dmitri Young – Lost 70 pounds and wants to get back into baseball.  The last time that much excess Young weight was lost was when the Twins traded Delmon to the Tigers.

Aroldis Chapman – Sounds like he won’t be in the rotation again in 2012.  Him and Joba should commiserate about how their clubs are totally Mr. Bungling their careers and costing them millions.

Bryce Harper – I already went over my Bryce Harper 2012 fantasy.  I wrote it while receiving shock therapy.  Since then the Nats said he might be the starting right fielder out of camp.  If I may read between the lines, what they actually said was, “We are not having Harper start out of camp, but we’d sure like to sell some tickets to our home games in April besides the ones Strasburg is pitching.”

With the the top 20 closers for 2011 fantasy baseball, we’ve finished our recap of the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings.  Some will feel like it came too soon, others will think let’s get 2012 under way already!  Whichever camp you fall in, don’t eat cherimoya seeds, they are poisonous.  This is our final look back.  This is still a look back.  It is not how I’d rank them for 2012 aka next year.  As with the other rankings, the final rankings come from ESPN’s Player Rater.  I did this so I could objectively critique MY preseason rankings to THEIRS.  Their rankings for closers weigh wins when I’d just want saves, but whatevs.  At least it’s unbiased.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 closers for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Craig Kimbrel – There’s a theme in the top 20 closers we need to address.  Where I ranked them (or didn’t rank them at all) compared to where they ended up is all over the place.  Now you can either think I’m a jerkoff or you can realize how unpredictable closers are.  This is why you never pay for closers.  The ones that you think will be fine end up disappointing (Soria) or flat-out sucking (Broxton).  Then there’s the ones that just come out of nowhere.  It all comes back to SAGNOF!  In my defense, I told you to draft from a tier that included Putz, Axford, Kimbrel, Storen and Chris Perez.  For Kimbrel, I said, “Want a closer that can go from “Who’s Craig Kimbrel?” to “I don’t know who Craig Kimbrel is but I’m glad I drafted him?”  Then you’re in luck; Craig Kimbrel is just the guy to do it.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Preseason Rank #16, 2011 Projections:  3-3/2.95/1.18/80, 30 saves, Final Numbers:  4-3/2.10/1.04/127, 46 saves

2. Drew Storen – It’s pretty cool how many new names are at the top of the closer year-end list.  I mean, not cool like it’ll help you get laid unless you’re actually one of these closers, but cool nevertheless.  Storen bumped his K-rate up to 8.84 and lowered his walk rate from 3.58 to 2.39.  Not a bad season for a guy who was never named the closer.  Preseason Rank #17, 2011 Projections:  2-5/3.00/1.25/60, 30 saves, Final Numbers:  6-3/2.75/1.02/74, 43 saves

3. John Axford – Member when K-Rod was traded to the Brewers and you started crying because Axford was going to lose his closer job?  Think of all those tissues you wasted.  In the preseason, I said, “I almost put Axford in my top five overall but I would like to see him do it one more year.  Correction:  I want to see him do it another year on all of my fantasy teams.  Go after him aggressively.  Could be a huge fantasy year.”  Can’t make this shizz up.  Well, you can, but it would be pretty easy to double check.  Preseason Rank #14, 2011 Projections:  3-1/3.00/1.22/80, 32 saves, Final Numbers: 2-2/1.95/1.14/86, 46 saves

4. Mariano Rivera – Yet another year that Mo did what Mo does and I said he wouldn’t do it.  I also said to avoid Bailey and Street, so I wasn’t totally crummy from being crackers.  One interesting thing to note on Mariano’s line is the 1-2 record on a team that won 97 games.  Shows you how predictable wins are, i.e., they’re not.  Preseason Rank #10, 2011 Projections:  5-4/3.10/1.00/50, 30 saves, Final Numbers: 1-2/1.91/0.90/60, 44 saves

5. J.J. Putz – This was one of the easier calls of the preseason.  As long as Putz didn’t go down to injury (ouch), he was going to have a good year.  On a side note, Putz has an orange curtain on his bottom lip.  You expect Carrot Top to come out from his chin and do some prop comedy.  Maybe it’s just me.  Preseason Rank #13, 2011 Projections:  2-4/2.70/1.15/60, 30 saves, Final Numbers:  2-2/2.17/0.91/61, 45 saves

6. Jose Valverde – Do they still give out a Rolaids Relief Man of the Year?  If they do, Valverde won it this year.  If they don’t give out that award anymore, they should give out a Sunglasses and Advil, Last Year Was Mad Real award.  That’s what Kanye and I would name it.  Preseason Rank #8, 2011 Projections:  5-2/3.00/1.18/70, 35 saves, Final Numbers:  2-4/2.24/1.19/69, 49 saves

7. Joel Hanrahan – I can tell people to draft closers from lousy teams, but I don’t know if anyone really listens that isn’t already prone to do it anyway.  Hey, choir, hear me preach.  Hanrahananananan was actually a bit disappointing with his Ks and was a tad lucky with his ERA and, in turn, his WHIP, but he still did more than you could’ve wanted, so you’re welcome.  Preseason Rank #21, 2011 Projections:  2-4/3.95/1.25/80, 30 saves, Final Numbers:  1-4/1.83/1.05/61, 40 saves

8. Francisco Cordero – I could be yelling fire before the match is even lit here, but I feel like Cordero is becoming a wickmen though not quite a FEMA.  Preseason Rank #19, 2011 Projections:  4-5/3.50/1.35/60, 40 saves, Final Numbers: 5-3/2.45/1.02/42, 37 saves

9. Heath Bell – Modifying clause, Bell has been the safest closer that has given you the most stress over the past two years.  He’s not getting traded… Yes, he is!… No, he’s not!… Is too!… Is not!… I stole the cookie from the cookie jar!  Preseason Rank #4, 2011 Projections:  3-4/2.90/1.18/85, 40 saves, Final Numbers:  3-4/2.44/1.15/51, 43 saves

10. Jonathan Papelbon – I owned Papelbon on a few teams last year so it wasn’t like I wasn’t aware of the huge WHIP and Ks season he was having.  Yet, I didn’t realize he had so few saves.  Only 31 saves?  I know there’s no accounting for saves, but how is that even possible for a 90 win team?  Without having my crack team of 100 monkeys look it up (so going off the top of my head), I have to think that’s the lowest save total for a 90 win team for a closer who had the job for the whole year.  Preseason Rank #6, 2011 Projections:  5-3/2.75/1.18/75, 38 saves, Final Numbers:  4-1/2.94/0.93/87, 31 saves

11. Fernando Salas – Not only did he put together a fantastic season, but he also dealt with a dozen closer role changes depending on which way La Russa’s feathered hair blew.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 5-6/2.28/0.95/75, 24 saves

12. Ryan Madson – This from the Phils GM for 2012, “I don’t feel comfortable with the guys we have internally,” Amaro said. “If Ryan does not sign, we might have to go outside the organization. There are some people in our system who think [Justin] DeFratus or [Phillippe] Aumont can [close]; I am not convinced of that yet.”  Since the Phils also said Madson can’t close to start the 2011 season, I guess Aumont or DeFratus will close in 2012.  Preseason Rank #7 for Middle Relievers, 2011 Projections:  3-3/3.25/1.28/60, 18 Holds, 7 Saves, Final Numbers:  4-2/2.37/1.15/62, 32 saves

13. Kyle Farnsworth – Hmm… Only 25 saves?  Maybe I do need my crack team of 100 monkeys to look up the lowest save total for a closer on a 90 win team.  Then again, Farnsworth had some injuries this year and ceded to Peralta for a stretch.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  5-1/2.18/0.99/51, 25 saves

14. Brandon League – Someone should see if there’s a mathematical formula for the likelihood of saves for a losing team vs. a winning team.  If someone hasn’t done this already.  My monkeys have their hands full.  Masturbating.  Hey, it’s the offseason.  Cut them some slack.  Preseason Rank #5 for Middle Relievers, 2011 Projections:  4-4/4.25/1.28/60, 10 Holds, 12 Saves, Final Numbers: 1-5/2.79/1.08/45, 37 saves

15. Sergio Santos – Had a terrible September (9 ER in 8 2/3 IP), wasn’t the closer for stretches of the season (or was but wasn’t official) and had to deal with Ozzie.  Still, his K-rate — I’m putting my fingers together at my mouth and blowing air kisses — muah, muah!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  4-5/3.55/1.11/92, 30 saves

16. Jordan Walden – Well, he was no Fernando Rodney.  Thankfully.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  5-5/2.98/1.24/67, 32 saves

17. Mike Adams – I contemplated leaving the Holds guys off this list and just going a little deeper on the closers.  Then I contemplated changing the title to the top 20 relievers.  Then I decided to do nothing and just tell you I contemplated that other shizz.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  5-4/1.47/0.79/74, 2 saves

18. Tyler Clippard – If you would’ve blindfolded me before writing this and asked who was more valuable Venters or Clippard, I would’ve said why are you blindfolding me?  Can’t you just ask me?  I mean, the blindfold makes it kinda weird.  Are you going to tickle my feet with a feather?  Oh, and I would’ve said Venters.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  3-0/1.83/0.84/104

19. Chris Perez – You could put his stat line next to the definition of a donkeycorn.  Nothing spectacular, just good old fashioned valuable closing games with closer-style old fashioned stuff… Wow, I got totally lost in that sentence and didn’t know how to finish it.  Preseason Rank #15, 2011 Projections:  1-4/3.10/1.16/70, 30 saves, Final Numbers:  4-7/3.32/1.21/39, 36 saves

20. Neftali Feliz – Honestly (unlike the rest of the post where I was lying), no closers really disappoint as long as they keep the job and get saves.  Though if you’re one of those types with high expectations, Feliz disappointed.  And I’m not just talking in the World Series.  There’s always next year, Rangers! (Assuming Washington doesn’t blow the team’s salary in Vegas.  With the key word being blow.)  Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections:  5-2/2.75/1.00/90, 40 saves, Final Numbers:  2-3/2.74/1.16/54, 32 saves

This year Doug Fister has been a revelation like a Dorito in the shape of the Virgin Mary telling you it’s time to change your underwear.  Mystically, making something out of nothing and turning it into a little something-something.  13 strikeouts yesterday?!  Doode has never struck out more than 6 prior to this year.  I never thought I’d say this, but I really like Fister and it hurts so good.  Sure, I’m pretty easy.  Strikeout some guys and I get all googly-eyed, but he now has a 2.64 ERA on the Tigers and a 3.17 ERA on the year with a 1.14 WHIP.  Fister?!  I hardly knew her!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Beltran – Missed yesterday’s game with food poisoning.  You can call him Upchuck Beltran.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and 2 homers.  Now has four homers in the past week.  Pick him up in all leagues.  For a while I’ve been saying he’s capable of being a poor man’s Shane Victorino.  You know, Feign Victorino.  So the power isn’t totally coming out of left field, um, center field.

Mike Stanton – Missed yesterday’s game and could miss several more.  I’m pouring some of my forty out for you.

Jair Jurrjens – Will be out at least two more weeks.  If you don’t have the DL room, wash that Jurrjens right outta your team.

Brian Dinkelman – 3-for-7 as he was recalled and started in both games of the doubleheader.  Take that, Ryan Seacrest!

Sergio Santos – In first game of the doubleheader, he didn’t start the ninth in a save situation then came on, gave up a run and was pulled for Chris Sale.  Santos is the closer still, but Ozzie’s been known to flip the script on sanity occasionally.

Zach Stewart – 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 0 Walks, 9 Ks.  Brilliant start, obviously, but in his last game vs. the Twins he gave up 6 earned in 4 2/3 innings and that’s just as likely to happen again next time.  Too late in the year to trust a rookie pitcher.  BTW, in Chicago, Zach Stewart’s fans should dress up like bears and they can be known as the Stewart root bears.

Jason Bay – 2-for-4 with a homer.  I feel dirty even saying this, but he has two homers in the last three games.  He’s obviously not a spectacular option, but he might be okay for a week or so.

Grady Sizemore – 0-for-4 as he returned from the DL and hit leadoff.  Just in time for the Indians to pretend they still have hope for the playoffs.  Crazy the only real race in baseball is the Rangers and Angels and I don’t really buy the Bobby Grichville Angels have much of a shot for the playoffs.  Maybe Selig will cook up some new crackpot way to get more playoff races.  Bud Selig, “We’re gonna have a Wilder Card team next year and that team will play the All-Star game winner and then the winner of that will be an automatic World Series team.  Yes, that could mean the National League All-Star team might play the Brewers in the World Series, which will mean Prince Fielder’s on both teams.  It’ll mean ratings.  Die, football, die!  My toupee will now take questions.”

Henderson Alvarez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He’s been solid in three of his last four starts, but with H2H playoffs and roto championships on the line, I wouldn’t risk it with Alvarez this year.  Of course it depends on how much risk you need to take on.

Brett Lawrie – 1-for-3 with a steal and a walk-off homer.  Desmond Jennings who?  OH, NO, YOU DIDN’T.  I did, Al Caps.  NO, YOU DIDN’T.  I did.  DAMN.

Tim Stauffer – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K.  He totally roped me in again.  I saw Petco and the weak Giants lineup and I gave him another whirl and he defecated on my teams.  He’s probably just tired, but if he can’t be counted on in Petco vs. the Giants he’s so done.

Billy Butler – Yesterday, he hit two homers.  One for each of his oversized areolas.

John Axford – Threw a clean inning for his 41st save.  Now has a 2.23 ERA, 1.21 WHIP and 75 Ks in 64 2/3 innings.  His face is a bit too over-adorned with a soul patch, but he’s having a great season.  Too bad he’ll probably end up being drafted too high next year.

Robert Andino – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer.  After his big game, he posed for his CBS profile pic.

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer and 6th steal for the slam & legs.  It’s been almost 10 days since the last time I said if only he’d hit .260.  If only he’d hit .260…

Erik Bedard – Next start is getting skipped because he’s Erik Bedard and he’s never healthy.

Josh Beckett – Left yesterday’s game with a sprained ankle.  His next start will probably be pushed back a few days as a precaution.  Or maybe they’ll just wrap it in police caution tape.

Bobby Jenks – After undergoing a colonoscopy, Jenks has been ruled done for the year.  The colonoscopy camera has been ruled done forever.

Mike Morse – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 25th and 26th home runs.  Slash slash dot dot.

Derrek Lee – 1-for-3 with a homer.  Is now 7 for his last 12 with two homers.  On Friday, someone in our fantasy sports forums asked who to drop between someone, someone, someone and Lee.  I told them to lose Lee.  I’m sorry, friend.  DL’s return from the DL has been bombastic, very fantastic.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Looks like he’s fixed whatever problem was bothering him… Actually, I’m not sure that’s the case, but it seems that way.

Madison Bumgarner – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks.  How about You Can’t Get More Than Two In On This Bumgarner?  How about that name, ‘son?

Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and 2 homers.  Elias Sports Bureau reported that with Butler and Sandoval’s 4 combined homers, there was more home run trot moob jiggling yesterday than ever in the history of baseball.

Scott Sizemore – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in 3 games.  At least one Sizemore is performing this year.  If you need a middle infidel with some pop, I’d go with Sizemore.

James Shields – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 KS.  Here’s a riddle for you:  What do James Shields and George W. Bush have in common?  If you answered, they both hit rock bottom when they were criticized by Kanye, you’re wrong, but I appreciate you trying.

Evan Longoria – 1-for-2 with his 25th homer and 2nd steal for the slam & legs, which is also a special at a Tampa area strip club.  Longoria’s hitting .236 on the year, which is because of a ridiculous amount of bad luck.  I’ll take him in the 2nd round of next year’s drafts without thinking twice about it.

Carlos Marmol – Threw a perfect inning for the save yesterday.  Cubs say we are (not) Marshall.

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in three games.  He’s having a great year (26 homers, 8 steals).  No doubt, Stefani.  But his OBP is .297.  Um, burp?

Dellin Betances – Yankees are considering bringing up their best pitching prospect for the stretch run as a bullpen arm.  See Joba and Hughes for how I feel about Yankee pitching prospects, i.e. more hype than they’re worth.  Stephen went over his Dellin Betances fantasy not that long ago.  He wrote it while setting fire to a picture of me.

Jesus Montero – 2-for-3 with his first 2 major league homers.  The lucky fan who caught Jesus’s first homer returned it in exchange for a piece of the Shroud of Turin.