Fantasy Baseball Advice

The 2012 fantasy baseball rankings are just about in the bag, but first we look at the top 20 middle relievers for 2012 fantasy baseball.  No, next we’re not going to do the Top 20 Guys Who Will Have The Most Balks.  Chillax.  The only people that seem to pay attention to middle relievers are those that play in a Holds league.  That’s wrong, I tell ya.  A great way to balance out your ratios is by carrying a few middle relievers on your staff.  (BTW, Ron Jeremy can carry three middle relievers on his staff.)  Say you had Francisco Liriano last year and he mistook your team’s ERA for his toilet, but you also had Jonny Venters.  With just Liriano, you had the 5.09 ERA dump to clean up.  With Venters and his brand new toilet brush, you had a 3.81 ERA.  If you also carried Tyler Clippard, you had a combined 3.24 ERA.  Not to mention, you had 5 vulture saves.  9 junky wins.  8 maids o’ milking.  7 Gary Matthews Jr.’s leaping.  Oh, and your WHIP went from Liriano’s 1.49 to 1.19 and had an additional 200 Ks.  Okay, school’s out, Alice Cooper.  Now, with that said — yes, I pulled out the “with that said” — this middle men post is for 5×5 leagues where you want to handcuff your closer to potentially snag some saves and get good ratios.  I projected Holds for these guys, but they are not the top 20 Holds guys.  They are the most valuable when you consider vulture saves, Ks and ratios.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 middle relievers for 2012 fantasy baseball:

1. Aroldis Chapman – This is the first tier.  This tier goes from here until Adams.  I call this tier, “They might not have the best ratios, but they have the best ratios with the most vulture saves.”  Aroldis is being stretched out to start, but I don’t see how that happens without an injury to one of their starters.  Then again, Dusty is managing the Reds so no pitcher is safe, which could be a tagline for the movie made about the Dusty Baker biography, “Pitchers Ain’t Sh*t But Hos And Tricks.”  2012 Projections:  7-2/3.00/1.26/90, 22 Holds, 5 saves

2. Javy Guerra – As Aroldis might be in the rotation (doubtful), Guerra could be the closer.  I’m going on the assumption that the Dodgers make the right move in regards to their bullpen, but I’m not sure who received “common sense” in the divorce proceedings.  2012 Projections:  2-3/3.50/1.25/55, 20 Holds, 12 saves

3. Jon Rauch – I have him down for ten saves because he has closing experience (though none of it terrific) and Frank Francisco is just passable.  Honestly, a lot of guys below him are more valuable than him.  That’s not a tall crack either.  2012 Projections:  4-5/3.55/1.30/40, 20 Holds, 10 saves

4. Tyler Clippard – Nats have a solid staff, one of the best set-up men in baseball and a good offense.  In twelve-after-twenty, the Nats lost their innocence and their suckitude.  Now all praise to Jim Bowden for not being there anymore!  2012 Projections:  5-3/2.65/1.15/90, 20 Holds, 5 saves

5. Mark Melancon – Okay, besides Venters and Clippard this entire tier could be below the next tier if you’re not looking for saves.  For ungstance (which is how I say instance), David Robertson is soooooooooo (yeah, 10 oh’s) much better than Melancon if you just want ratio help.  Robertson probably won’t sniff a save though, unless Mo farts and explodes his colon and Soriano is a casualty.  2012 Projections:  6-2/3.25/1.25/65, 22 Holds, 5 saves

6. Jonny Venters – My projections for Venters might be on the low side.  He was fantabulous last year.  He also pitched in every game and then threw on the side five times a game then was taken to a carnival by Fredi Gonzalez to throw at the speed gun stand to try and win him a SpongeBob.  2012 Projections:  7-2/2.75/1.15/70, 24 Holds, 3 saves

7. Francisco Rodriguez – He’s getting paid something like $18 million to set up one of the best closers in the game, so he might just take a siesta for the better part of the season.  Or maybe the Polish Kielbasa from the sausage race will kidnap him to free up some salary money.  2012 Projections:  6-4/2.75/1.26/80, 18 Holds, 3 saves

8. Mike Adams – I thought hard about moving Adams up because of my distrust of Nathan’s stuff, not just his lips and ass.  The problem is the Rangers are stacked with potential Nathan replacements.  Good for them, not so good on speculating for vulture saves.  2012 Projections:  5-1/2.70/1.05/70, 24 Holds, 3 saves

9. David Robertson – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of the post.  I call this tier, “Best Holds guys coupled with maybe a chance for some saves, though that’s less likely.”  Wow, Robertson’s numbers were insane last year.  A 13.50 K/9 and a 1.08 ERA.  Seriously, I looked at two different sites because I didn’t believe them at first.  His walks are such a mess that if he loses a K or two off his K/9, then the walks might catch up to him.  Know what happens when walks increase?  Runs.  It’s yours, Highlights!  2012 Projections:  3-1/2.70/1.22/90, 30 Holds

10. Sergio Romo – Another guy who had insane K numbers, only Romo’s weren’t coupled with any walks.  Like, none.  His season seemed like it was above his head, so I imagine his stats will come down a little.  Also, I will never use the word coupled again.  Sorry about that.  2012 Projections:  4-3/2.45/0.95/60, 28 Holds

11. Greg Holland – Speaking of a lot of Ks, Funky Cold Me-Holy-Crap Greg Holland was great last year.  I think fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) are gonna want to own Greg Holland more this year than Derek Holland.  Or not!  The future is a fickle mistress that blackmails you with pictures of your balls.  2012 Projections:  3-2/2.60/1.06/70, 28 Holds

12. Sean Marshall – He worries me a bit, though his recent numbers tell me he’s nothing to worry about.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Dusty uses him as a situational guy a lot more than he’s been doing recently, especially if Aroldis stays in the bullpen, which I think he does, and this is a long sentence, but still 40 words short of the world’s longest sentence; damn, that’s really long; I’m not even sure I can get there when I’m trying, which I’m not right now, otherwise I’d be disqualified from Guinness; I think; I’m not sure, actually.  2012 Projections:  4-2/3.00/1.15/70, 30 Holds

13. Joaquin Benoit – He has a good team for Holds, a closer in front of him that should keep him in the set-up role and a cool name.  Six of one, half dozen of another and sixteen more gives you 28 Holds.  2012 Projections:  6-2/3.00/1.04/60, 28 Holds

14. Vinnie Pestano – Vinnie invented swag, poppin’ bottles, making batters look like scabs.  Proof, I guess Vinnie got his swagger back, truth.  New watch alert; he throws.  Like the big ‘stache, Rollie; Vinnie got Ks like all of those.  Arm out the window through the city, he doesn’t throw slow.  Cock back, snap back, every hitter’s swing now has holes.  2012 Projections:  1-3/2.75/1.09/80, 25 Holds

15. Koji Uehara – There was talk of him moving to a new club.  Again.  I’m sure wherever he ends up he’ll get his Ks, Holds and Korean-fusion tacos.  2012 Projections:  2-2/2.85/1.00/70, 22 Holds

16. Antonio Bastardo – When Ryan Madson left Philly, he told Charlie Manuel you won’t have this bastard to kick around anymore.  Then him and Antonio had words.  Bastardo was almost ranked much higher, but I settled here because Papelbon should be fine and Antonio walks a crapton.  2012 Projections:  5-3/3.25/1.20/70, 25 Holds

17. Eric O’Flaherty – Top o’ the morning to you!  O’Flaherty had a huge number of Holds last year, but I think Fredi Gonzalez is the new Torre, chewing up and spitting out middle men.  The Braves should bring in Scott Proctor to be their pitching coach.  2012 Projections:  4-3/2.50/1.15/65, 25 Holds

18. Jose Veras – His walks are slightly egregious, but they used to be wholly egregious so we’re moving in the right direction.  He is Charlie Sheen in Major League sans the interesting haircut and hookers in the honeywagon, a name Sheen took quite literally.  2012 Projections:  1-3/3.75/1.28/80, 20 Holds

19. Michael Dunn – Another guy who’s trying to do his best Wild Thing impersonation.  Stay away if you’re trying for ratio help.  More of a Ks, Holds possibility.  2012 Projections:  3-1/3.70/1.32/75, 20 Holds

20. Joel Zumaya – There’s some guys that should be above Zumaya — Chris Resop, Grant Balfour, Ernesto Frieri, Jeff Samardzija, to name a few.  I’m more putting Zumaya’s name here to give people a head’s up that he’s coming back and he’s in a place where the closer had Twins fans thinking they were clever every time they’d say, “Oh, Crapps.”  2012 Projections:  Probably nothing, but it’s a deep league flyer.

On the heels of the top 20 closers for 2012 fantasy baseball — or heals if you’re talking strictly about Huston Street and Andrew Bailey — comes every closer for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This is the post you’ve all been waiting for since earlier this morning!  Sorry to put you through that hour and a half of anguish/anticipation or anguishipation.  You were a melancholy soul.  But now you’re happy — yay.  It’s still Monday funday!  There were quite a few moves this offseason with closers relocating to greener pastures, or in some case, just different pastures.  Maybe that’s best expressed through the cliché mash-up — the grass isn’t always greener pastures.  Andrew Bailey moved, Mark Melancon moved, Ryan Madson moved, Huston Street moved, Heath Bell moved, Rafael Betancourt moved into the closer role, Sergio Santos moved and Joe Nathan moved.  A regular ol’ closerousel that we haven’t see the likes of since Tony La Russa retired (technically, that’s correct; though not exactly that long ago).  Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Craig Kimbrel (Jonny Venters)
2. John Axford (Francisco Rodriguez)
3. Drew Storen (Tyler Clippard, Brad Lidge)
4. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano)
5. Jonathon Papelbon (Antonio Bastardo)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Jose Valverde (Joaquin Benoit, Octavio Dotel)
7. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla)
8. J.J. Putz (David Hernandez, Takashi Saito)
9. Heath Bell (Juan Leo Carlos Nunez Oviedo, Mike Dunn)
10. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Jeff Samardzija)
11. Joakim Soria (Jonathon Broxton, Greg Holland)
12. Joel Hanrahan (Evan Meek)
13. Ryan Madson (Sean Marshall, Nick Masset)
14. Kenley Jansen (Javy Guerra, Todd Coffey)
15. Jason Motte (Eduardo Sanchez)
16. Huston Street (Luke Gregerson)
17. Andrew Bailey (Mark Melancon, Bobby Jenks)
18. Sergio Santos (Francisco Cordero)
19. Jordan Walden (Scott Downs, LaTroy Hawkins)
20. Kyle Farnsworth (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Chris Perez– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Asdrubal in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

21. Frank Francisco (Jon Rauch, Ramon Ramirez)
22. Rafael Betancourt (Rex Brothers)
23. Matt Thornton (Jesse Crain, Addison Reed)
24. Joe Nathan (Mike Adams, Alexi Ogando)
25. Brandon League (Shawn Kelley, Hong-Chih Kuo)
26. Chris Perez (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp)
27. Jim Johnson (Kevin Gregg, Matt Lindstrom)
28. Matt Capps (Joel Zumaya, Glen Perkins)
29. Brian Fuentes (Grant Balfour, Joey Devine)
30. Juan Abreu (Wilton Lopez, David Carpenter, Fernando Rodriguez, The Ghost of Ed Wade’s Toupee)

Andrew Bailey bettah work on his non-rhotic (Word of the Day!) pronunciations cause he’s headed to the town of beans.  This is my town and these are my beans!  Not to say I told you so, but to tell you I told you so.  When Melancon went to the Sawx, I said, “The GM over in Beantown says Melancon is “capable of closing.”  In big market speak, that means he won’t be the closer.  Melancon is the stereotypical small market closer, big market set-up man.”  Prescient ain’t just a word you need a spell checker for.  It’s a state of mind!  Bailey will be absolutely fine as a closer when he’s healthy, which is to say maybe 4 of 6 months of the season if the Sawx are lucky.  So Melancon will get some saves, say, maybe, I don’t know, interjection, 10 saves.  It’s not bad for a guy that won’t be drafted in many leagues.  This also solidifies the Sawx’s intention of putting Bard into the rotation.  I think it’s slightly crazy talk, but I’m wearing a burlap sack and drinking a Capri Sun without a straw so what do I know?  Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves and what they mean for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Sike!  Before we get into today’s post, just want to say that if you’re into fantasy basketball, you should check out the work Adam’s doing; it’s smart and funny, and I don’t know basketball at all.  One time I was playing a pick up basketball game and I tried to do a layup and I threw the ball over the backboard.  I was like, “Call me Calista Flockhart cause I’m throwing up shizz.”  Ah, the laughs we had.  Then I was never picked to play on a team again.  Anyway II, some offseason moves for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Josh Reddick – Heads to the A’s on the other side of the Bailey hullabaloo.  Did Beane get enough?  I don’t know.  Instead, let’s ask ourselves this:  Did Braun test positive because he was treating herpes?  In Triple-A, Reddick hit .127 in 2009, then .266 in 2010, then .230 last year.  So I’d be surprised if he hits above .260 over the course of the 2012 season.  He has shown the ability to hit for power, but now he moves to the unfriendly confines of Oakland.  Best case scenario, you’re getting a 15/10/.260 guy.  It’s all right, but if he fails to meet those modest expectations, he’s nothing but a third outfielder for AL-Only leagues.  Herpes, Braun, really?  That’s your defense?  That’s like telling your wife you killed her cat to take your mind off cheating on her.  Braun, you couldn’t say you tested positive because you were taking some non-FDA approved Chinese medicine for migraines?  Who’s advising this schmohawk?

Casey Blake – To Rockies.  When Blake’s healthy, Cuddyer will move to the outfield.  (30% of the time.)  When Blake’s injured, Cuddyer will play 3rd base.  (45% of the time.)  When Helton’s injured, Cuddyer will play 1st base. (20% of the time.)  When Cuddyer and Blake are both healthy, but the Rockies feel like playing someone else they’ll work in Seth Smith or Eric Young Jr.  (15% of the time.)  (I have no idea if those percentages add up, but you get the general gist.  By the way, General Gist would be a great band name.  “Have you heard General Gist’s new album, Neither Here Nor There?  It’s awesome!”  Speaking of great bands, loving the new Black Keys album.  Love!)  In the end, this has nothing to do with Casey Blake or Michael Cuddyer or even Nolan Arenado.  The Rockies absolutely refuse to give Seth Smith a regular job.  Maybe someone in the front office has a lisp and can’t stand to say Seth Smith has a starting job.  Oh, and they hate Eric Young Jr.’s guts.  The Rockies are Mike Scioscia and Eric Young Jr. is Mike Napoli.  Just trade that ain’t-getting-any-younger Young to a team that will let him play.  Please.

Sean Marshall – Off to the Reds in a swap of Marshall and Travis Wood.  Right now the Reds are saying Marshall may serve as the closer.  That’s just a bargaining tool against Francisco Cordero.  Marshall’s not going to be the closer.  He’ll be a setup man to either Cordero or Chapman, who is supposed to start as of right now but I don’t think that’s gonna happen either.  Here’s a formula for you:  What a GM Says + Reality = Nothing.

Travis Wood – To the Cubs in the aforementioned mentioning of Marshall.  I have a feeling the Reds are going to regret losing Wood.  Dusty Baker, “I haven’t lost wood since that one time in the 70′s when George Foster unexpectedly walked into my hotel room.”  If the Cubs play their hand right, they’ll send Wood to the minors to regain his confidence then bring him back when the time is right.  If he makes the rotation, he’s nothing but a cheap flyer in NL-Only leagues.  I would be very aware of him in keeper leagues though.  He does have number two starter upside.

Gio Gonzalez - Beane pulled another trade.  Can someone say Moneyball sequel?!  Actually, if you can’t say it, you should see a speech therapist.  How about the Nats looking like they’re gonna be contenders?  Hopefully they get some new announcers so it’s not as wretched watching them.  Get back Dibble so he can call into question a guy headed for Tommy John surgery!  I love that kind of manic enthusiasm.  Anyway, Gonzalez wasn’t nearly the pitcher his 3.12 ERA showed last year, but he has far exceeded his xFIP the last two years while posting solid K numbers.  I’m willing to get on the Gio aeroplane in twelve past twenty (BTW, that’s what I’m calling 2012, go with it).  A guy that is moving to the NL with a 8.78 K-rate is plenty all right, even with the wonky walks.

Brad Peacock – With Gio going to the Nats, Peacock gets inserted into the A’s.  That sounds like it hurts!  Which Billy Beane is making these trades anyway?  Peacock had a great season in Double- and Triple-A last year, putting up a 2.39 ERA and a 177/47 K/BB line.  The A’s basically got Gio Gonzalez back.  I’m gonna be all about Peacock in 2012 like I just woke up from a nap after drinking seven glasses of water.

Tommy Milone – Just another great arm bagged by Beane.  I’m not saying the Nats paid too much for Gio but — Well, actually, I am saying that.  They just paid the price of two potential Gios for one real Gio.  (Not to mention, A.J. Cole, who was also received, has a great arm but is just a bit young for our purposes, and Derek Norris will slide in nicely once the A’s move on from their Suzuki sidekick. What an ugly trade by the Nats.)  Milone’s 2011 in Triple-A was 3.22 ERA with a 155/16 K/BB ratio.  Hello, beautiful.  Peacock and Milone will have match-ups appeal in 2012 for mixed leagues and be sexy sleepers for AL-Only leagues.

Jim Johnson – O’s said he’ll open the season as the closer.  I’d go ahead and drink that Jim Johnson Kool-Aid.  O’s are competing for 4th place in the AL East so they have no reason not to use Johnson.  Though I think Selig now made the 4th place finisher in the AL East a playoff team.  Need to double check that.

Carlos Beltran – Cards add Beltran to their Rafael Furcal/Lance Berkman-powered lineup.  Your 2012 Cardinals are brought to you by Bengay and the used 1994 Chrysler LeBaron in your driveway.

Remember the good ol’ days when the St. Louis Cardinals were relying on Ryan Franklin to close games for them? Then when he completely flopped, everyone they auditioned as a replacement couldn’t hack it. Then, as luck would have it, they finally found their man: Fernando Salas. He notched his first save on April 28, and 22 more would follow through the end of August.

As the calendar turned to September, the fun ended for Salas and his fantasy owners. Salas worked the seventh and eighth innings of an 8-3 game on September 1, allowing one run and watching Jason Motte finish things out in a non-save situation in the ninth. Motte would then grab the next six saves for the Cardinals before blowing one on September 16 (through no fault of his own) and seeing Salas get an extra-innings save.

Unfortunately for Salas, that could prove to be his last save of the season. The two relievers have very similar numbers, but Motte is just a little bit better and he keeps the ball down. That should translate to an effective stint as closer for Motte over the rest of this season and beyond.

Kyle Farnsworth has blown two saves since recording one on September 7, and with the Rays surging and trying to catch the Red Sox for the Wild Card, that’s not going to cut the mustard. An elbow problem has kept Farnsworth off the mound over the last week-plus, with Joel Peralta collecting a couple of saves in the interim. Don’t expect the Rays to go back to Farnsworth until it’s clear he’s 100 percent — they can’t afford any more blown saves.

Kevin Gregg managed to secure his last save on September 2, allowing a walk and two hits in a scoreless inning but nevertheless slamming the door. That was the breaking point for the Orioles, who let Jim Johnson pick up the next two saves. Unfortunately, they just didn’t know how to quit Gregg, going to him for another save opportunity last weekend, which he blew by allowing two runs while only recording one out. Back to Johnson for two more saves, including one of the two-inning variety.

Johnson is clearly the guy to own here for the rest of the year, and hopefully this is the last we hear of Gregg as a closer. I think Johnson has a shot at being a solid closer in 2012, but it’s more likely the Orioles throw too much money at a guy with “experience.” You know, like Kevin Gregg.

The Mets have managed four saves in September, with two going to Bobby Parnell, one to Josh Stinson and one to Manny Acosta. Stinson’s came in extra innings as a result of a blown save by Parnell; Acosta was then called upon for the save the next day. Parnell was given the next shot at recording a save for the Mets, but he blew that one too. He ended up coming in during the seventh in his next appearance to pitch two scoreless innings. It’s best to avoid this bullpen, but it looks like Acosta may be the guy to get the next look. That’s just a guess.

Brian Wilson is on the precipice of returning, so I wouldn’t get too invested into Santiago Casilla, who notched saves on Wednesday and Thursday. I expected Sergio Romo to get some looks in the ninth inning once he returned, but despite great results, he’s not closing. It’s hard to argue against either option — Casilla and Romo rank fourth and fifth, respectively, in ERA among pitchers with at least 40 innings pitched this year.

Frank Francisco is still the guy to own in Toronto, despite a little rough patch earlier in the month. And since we’ve already talked far too much about the Toronto bullpen this year, let’s move on.

Sean Marshall is pilfering a few saves from Carlos Marmol, with two already in September. If every potential save is imporant to your team, Marshall is a good add for the rest of the year. Don’t worry about Marmol; he didn’t get a save opportunity on Saturday thanks to pitching three innings over the previous two days. I wish I got that kind of time off at my job.

Other guys that have already picked up at least one save in September and could get more while sitting on your waiver wire include Kenley Jansen and Chris Sale. Also Rafael Betancourt, though I assume he’s long gone in most competitive leagues.

Jeremy Hellickson threw a complete game yesterday giving up one earned run.  Great, tremendous, gremendous!  Hey, Rays, take out an ad in Variety for Hellickson for Rookie of the Year.  The ad can flaunt a quote from Rays beat writer Roger Mooney saying, “Hellickson is the best rookie pitcher I’ve ever seen!”  Rays blogger Jason Collette says, “He’s better than Melissa Leo!”  A Tampa Bay area Hooters waitress, “And he’s a good tipper!”  Last year, Hellickson threw a 155 2/3 innings.  Usual bump from one year to the next for young pitchers is 30 innings.  Back in the preseason, Buddy Holly Joe Maddon said Hellickson would be capped at 180 innings.  That’s probably give or take five innings.  Depending on whether or not Verducci shows up at Hellickson’s final start with disapproving eyes.  Right now, Hellickson is sitting at 164 1/3 innings.  Probably looking at three more starts for Hellickson.  Make sure you keep that in mind in H2H leagues.  Oh, and have a good Labor Day.  I’ll leave you with this quote, “You’re laborers.  You should be laboring.  That’s what you get for not having an education.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Francisco Liriano – Unlikely to pitch again this year.  If only this news came out in March.

Joe Mauer – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer.  Put a note on the Comatose Twins Fan to ‘Do Not Resuscitate.’

Dustin Ackley – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer.  He’s also hitting .400 over the week.  The Mariners have good reason to be excited, but that’s mostly because The Big FraGu is out for the year.  So much easier than diverting one’s eyes.

Jose Bautista – First to reach 40 homers.  I’ll say my miss on Bautista this year was the ultimate Mr. Bungle move.

Derek Jeter – 2-for-5 with his fifth homer of the year.  Or the sixth lowest homer total of all players with a full season of at-bats.  He’s tied with Maicer Izturis, but Maicer has almost a hundred less ABs.  Jeter reminds me of something.  You’ll never sleep with as many women as you’d like to?  No, random italicized voice.  He reminds how terrible name recognition can be for fantasy baseball.

Alex Rodriguez – Returned over the weekend and hit a homer yesterday.  That’s his 15th homer this year, or how many times he’s openly begged Jeter for his approval.

Ian Kinsler – 3-for-5 with his 25th homer.  Was also his fourth homer in the past 4 games and has 23 steals on the year with only 2 caught stealings.  Sure, the average (.245) is a bit blehtastic, but that could easily be at .270 as he continues to prove the Ranger hitters credo, “If healthy, good.”  So it’s not the snappiest credo, but it’s accurate.

Nelson Cruz – Says he can get back prior to the estimated three weeks.  Cool, that means he can get another injury in before the end of the year.  Take odds, Vegas.  Take odds.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-3 with his 23rd homer as he hits .293.  Imagine he didn’t go through stretches where his manager temporarily benches him because Napoli’s hitting on their daughter.

Dee Gordon – 3-for-5 with his third steal in the three games since he returned.  Mouth on the left side of the screen says, SAG.  Mouth on the right side of the screen says, NOF.  They come together for SAGNOF.

Randall Delgado – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Took over Jar-Jar’s spot in the rotation and meesa tinks he’ll stay in the rotation for the better part of the rotation.  He’s still a rookie that could give a solid six inning start, a four inning/four earned run turd or something in the middle like today.  In other words, he’s a’ight for NL-Only leagues.  In other other words, last week I was in my other other Benz.

Brennan Boesch – Done for the year with thumb surgery.  Boesch & Thumb contact rends.

Johan Santana – News has changed once again for Johan.  First, he’s coming back in June.  Then he’s coming back in July.  Wait, he’ll be back, definitely, in August.  Nope, he’s not returning.  Yes, he’ll be back next week.  Or the final week of the season.  Or not at all.  Whatever the Mets say, he’s not worth owning anyway.

Mike Stanton – Left the game with a hamstring injury.  He’s day-to-day.  If everyone wants to sign a card and have me deliver it to him, I’m hiding in the bushes next to his garage.  I mean, get well soon, Mike.  I mean… No, that’s what I meant.  *nervous laughter*

Hanley Ramirez – Has been confirmed that he will have shoulder surgery.  With some hard work and a dedication to being the best, he’ll be ready to go for the start of next season.  So, he won’t be ready.  I’m going to gauge things further this offseason, but I’m almost certainly not going anywhere near him next year.  I try to stay away from players coming off big surgeries, unless I feel like the injury wasn’t something that could linger.  You know, like Morneau this year.  Now I’m done with all players coming off a major injury/surgery.  Show me one player who overperformed coming off a major injury and I’ll show you 25 that didn’t.

Jon Jay – Homered yesterday and 6 for his last 11.  He also expressed his pride for the way the original thirteen colonies bounced back from Hurricane Irene.

Jason Motte – On Saturday, he recorded the save, then on Sunday Salas gave up a run and lost the game.  If you’re a save vulture circling around for some tasty meat to feed on, I’d peck on Motte.

Torii Hunter – Says he might retire after the 2012 season.  This is neither funny nor interesting (which is implying other things I write are, but anyway…), Hunter will almost certainly have a job at a major network as an analyst.

Carlos Carrasco – Might be headed for TJ surgery, which involves a copious amount of tequila and two donkeys.  No, that’s Tijuana surgery.  My bad.

Shelley Duncan – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs, 2 homers and 6 people hospitalized after he high-fived his teammates.

Juan Francisco – 4-for-5 yesterday and homered on Friday.  He’s now started three of four games since he was recalled.  Not mixed league worthy yet, but I got my pet marmoset watching him closely.  I only have so much time.

Sean Marshall – Notched his fourth save as Marmol sat on the bench and thought about what he had done on Saturday.  Ya know, give up a grand slam to Derrek Lee.  Marmol’s still probably the closer, if only to frustrate Cubs fans and his fantasy owners.

Carlos Beltran – 8 for his last 11 as he carries the Giants to a solid 2nd place finish.

Brian Wilson – Threw off the mound on Sunday, but there’s no timetable for his return.  The Giants could opt to shut down Wilson if they fall out of the race, but he seems like the type that would want to return even if the Giants’ playoff chances are remote.  Though I might have a facial hair basis.

Anthony Rizzo – 0-for-3 as he was recalled, with recall being the optimal word considering how he’s played thus far.  I’d be shocked if the Padres don’t find a way to get Jesus Guzman’s bat in the lineup on a consistent basis since he’s batting .337.  Even if the Padres just Mad Lib first base on the lineup card, Blanks will probably be filled in the most with Rizzo’s promotion.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-4, now hitting near .350 over the last week with two homers and two steals.  Right now, Dexter is murdering the ball.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 8 Ks vs. the Astros.  Crazy the lineup of Jordan Schafer, Paredes, Martinez, Bogus..etc. didn’t give him a harder time.  The team Ed Wade’s Toupee put together would have a hard time beating the Little League Champions two out of three games.

Neil Walker – 1-for-4 with his 12th homer.  Member when he was good?  In like April.  Ah, yeah, good times.

Alex Presley – 2-for-5 with a steal.  Now 10 for his last 18 with a homer and two steals.  He’s been so hot Pirate cameramen have been asked to only film him from the waist up.

Anibal Sanchez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Due to an umpire call, the game is under review.  A fan interfered with a Pence double, which was overturned with instant replay.  Charlie Manuel then argued that there’s no such cotton-pickin’ thing as instant replay and the moon is made of green cheese.  We’ll await the MLB’s Executive Vice President of Baseball Operations Joe Torre’s decision.  I’d say it’s pretty likely the call is overturned and the game resumes with Torre’s final verdict being, “Hey, whatever gets more middle relievers in the game.”