Daniel Murphy is the hottest homophobe since Kirk Cameron got three offers in one week for three different Christian movies, “A Behind…Left Behind,” “Groundhog’s Day Is For Satanists, God Makes The Seasons,” and “Make Me Dinner Woman, And No Leftovers.”  Daniel Murphy’s hotter than Kim Davis looks to lesbians looking for a challenge.  Daniel Murphy is hotter than Ted Nugent’s nougat, which he has to heat to 214 degrees to get the sugar to melt.  Yesterday, Murphy went 4-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer while hitting .398 on the year.  I’m not saying we need to throw Ted Williams’s head in the microwave to defrost, but we may want to leave it on the counter to slowly bring it to room temperature.  Okay, Murphy’s BABIP is absurdly high (.427), which means he’s hitting about a hundred points too high, so his average will come down.  He’s also not hitting for a ton of power, so it’s a good story right now for the MLB that their hottest hitter is a bigot — The Ghost of Ty Cobb, “That sounds rad.” — but it’ll end eventually.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s barely May and we have already seen several anticipated rookie pitchers make their MLB debuts. If memory serves me correctly, it was actually Robert Stephenson who got the first call back on April 7th. After an unimpressive first outing in which he got the win, he was optioned back to Triple A. Yep, his outing was so mediocre that he was sent to fix flat tires in the greater Cincinnati area. Ok, so maybe that’s not exactly what happened. Two weeks later, however, Stephenson was recalled for another spot start. This performance was much more impressive. He got another win and was again sent back down.

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Man, what a week for starting pitcher callups!  Thankfully we’re seeing Major League clubs unshy of bringing up their future aces instead of being little scaredy-cats and using the Super 2 as a crutch.  “Stop wasting some of your better pitched innings in the Minors, ya bums!”  That was me two years ago.  I was also skinnier and not married yet, so not everything has gotten better…

Right on the heels of the Jose Berrios callup, the A’s promoted Sean Manaea after an absolutely meteoric rise after being traded by the Royals in the Ben Zobrist deal.  Manaea always had power stuff and great K-rates, but never quite harnessed the command to get himself atop prospect lists.  But when you have awesome pure stuff, sometimes one minor tweak can take you from “meh” to “mania”!  After a 21:4 K:BB in Triple A over 18 innings this year, it certainly came with a lot of fanfare that Manaea was getting called up, and he’s surely scooped up in almost all leagues at this point.  Is he worth all the hype?  Here’s how he looked on Friday night in his MLB debut against the Astros:

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Adam Conley threw 7 2/3 innings, of “exciting” no-hit baseball Friday night, striking out seven Brewers en route to his first win of the season. Manager Don Mattingly pulled Conley after 116 pitches and left it up to Miami’s bullpen to blow Conley’s no-hitter. Sigh, the Miami fan(s) need someone to cheer for now that their star player Dee “I Didn’t Know We Couldn’t Do That” Gordon betrayed them. And I won’t even mention that other power-hitter outfielder (a complicated restraining order actually prevents me from mentioning his full name, let’s just call him G. Stanton–or better, Giancarlo S.) Adam ain’t worried about it. YOLO. Speaking of YOLOing, how about that new Drake album? Uh, singasongmuch? Please stop. I get the whole calypso/R&B/I’mdoingthistobangRihanna vibe the album has and I’m not feeling it. Meanwhile, Mr. Drake, you are depriving fans of some of the best Canadian rap the world has to offer. Oh, hey tangent, we were talking about Adam Conley! The lefty now possesses a 3.67 ERA and 1.22 WHIP through four starts with a 28/12 K/BB rate (9.33 K/9). Mmm, strikeouts. Adam’s 72.2% swinging strike percentage (including 14 in last night’s game) suggest that the strikeouts are for real. That could help your fantasy team. Like Drizzy’s new album, he’s been a bit inconsistent, but Conley gets Arizona next week, he’s available in over 80% of fantasy leagues and he could be worth a pick up in deeper mixed and NL-Only leagues. Why not take a flier–you only YOLO once!

Here’s what else I saw Friday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yeah, Justin Upton will hit six homers all year and .170.  Yup, Jason Hammel will have an ERA under one.  You betcha, Gregory Polanco will bat after the pitcher by September.  Okay, on that last one, I don’t want to jinx anything, so let’s just say I’m being sarcastic and I don’t need no Polanco batting low in the order.  Double negatives be damned!  Finally, Jose Abreu is a Cuban sandwich short of pickles, which makes him a ham sandwich, which is a trailer park doorstop.  He’s nothing.  Done.  It was a good ride we had with Abreu, but the last three weeks trumps all the seasons that came before it.  And the new president of that sentence is trumps.  Abreu, sir, if I may sit you down for a second.  Please retire, your career is over.  You had a good ride.  Let baseball go.  Look at Bobby Abreu, for example.  He had grandkids and started wearing a dress and now goes by Bubbie Abreu.  Take his lead.  Your time is gone.  Sure, you have an insanely low BABIP.  You’re actually walking more this year than last.  Your homers per fly balls is absurdly low.  Your ground balls are actually lower this year, like subterranean.  You’re striking out about the same amount.  Alas, it’s over!  Hang up your cleats!  Not on that hook, that’s for my Par Djoos jersey for when I want to start a Sega video game fight.  Or I guess you could just turn around your season; I mean, there are five months left.  Yes, you should buy low on Abreu (and Upton).  The season is barely nascent.  Fun fact!  N/A-scent is when you think someone farted, but they actually have a dead raccoon in their jacket.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

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Watch out boy she’ll chew you up. Oh-oh, here he comes. He’s a maneater. I own Sean Manaea in every points league to which I am a member. Why does proper grammar sound so stupid sometimes. I considered writing the rest of this post in ebonics, but I’m afraid I’d offend at least one of my remaining seven readers. Then I’d be down to six and I think that’s when Grey puts the red tag in my locker. So instead I’m going to pretend like the past few sentences don’t even exist, except for the one about Manaea. There’s something about young, rookie pitchers that excites me. There’s another sentence I probably shouldn’t have published. The messed up part is that recognized that before I actually published it, yet I still published it anyway. Are you sure you want to take advice from me?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Sean Manaea

 

I’m not the first to pander to our Muppets roots with Sean Manaea and I’m sure I won’t be the last. I mean, when Russian Trololo went viral, I thought to myself ‘how did Mahna Mahna not win this role first? This is America! *Salutes flag, eats apple pie, cheers for individuality while getting ticked at hipsters*. That said, if I AM the first to pander, you know I’m totally patenting and suing at will to make money of this. Yay American again! Sean Mahna Mahna has a strikeout dream matchup to start his career going against the ‘Stros. Houston sports the highest K rate of the league on the year at 27.2% and the 14 and 7 day numbers don’t shine a pretty picture either. If you’re not ready to do a trust fall just yet just cuz the K’astros strike out a lot, let’s look at Mahna Mahna’s numbers down on the farm…yup, they look good! Oh, you wanna know what they are? Well ok then, his lowest K/9 in the minors to this point came just last year (obligatory ‘that’s what she said’) at 10.07. That’s a pretty high low, IMHO. Now not to get nit-picky but I want to point out that Sean could be mighty chalky today AND you have some lefty killers in the ‘Stros lineup so let me preface this pick by simply saying: go against the grain. If I’m the grain today, ignore what you’ve just read and if vice versa, join in and enjoy the Muppet show. But enough of Manaea Manaea, let’s talk about the rest. Here’s my Swedish Chef hot dog taeks for this Friday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 15 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“‘I need a bouncy C.  Not a bouncy castle!’  Billy Beane screams into his headset, when an intern interrupts him and his daughter, practicing her guitar, while they are both on a treadmill.  The intern tells Beane that Jesse Hahn has a blister.  The intern turns and it’s Jonah Hill.  Fat Jonah, not “He doesn’t look right skinny” Jonah.   Beane then looks at the camera to establish empathy and says, “Get me Sean Manaea.”  Only he adds three extra syllables to Manaea’s naeame.   And…scene!”  The producer smiles, “That’s a great pitch.  If only Manaea looks that good.  High-five!”  So, Manaea has been called up to start on Friday.  He’s looked downright fantastic thus far.  Upleft fantastic too.  He’s a six-five Samoan, but he doesn’t weight 475 pounds.  He could be the Rookie of the Year; his stuff is that TNT with SVU reruns.  I also think there’s more downside here than, say, Berrios.  He’s had moments where his command leaves him, and he becomes a 5+ IP, 4 ER guy.  His delivery looks to me like he could get wild very easily.  Wide range of possibility here, could be a #1 or could be a #4-5 that you only own in AL-Only leagues.  Of course, I’m taking the flyer in all leagues for the chance he comes up and wows upsides our fantasy heads.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So far this season we’ve focused our prospect content on dynasty specific purposes with the intent of getting you prepped up to master your leaguemates and colleagues for years to come. We’ve looked at incoming players for 2017, re-ranked the top 25, profiled numerous players, while also updating you on Razzball’s in house dynasty the Razznasty. Today we’re going to take a bit of a different approach, today we look at the more immediate impact of up and coming prospects. The players we’ll review have short ETA’s, and could be up within the next two-three months. I’ll add in a guesstimate ETA on my behalf. I mean I’ve had a sterling record with such prognostications so far, and by sterling I mean awful. I am the man that told you Turner would up by today, which now looks like June, as well as the man in the preseason predicting Nomar Mazara wouldn’t be up until August. So yeah, I’m great!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Where do you hide your stash? Over the years I have used such hiding places as my original Nintendo Entertainment System (where you put the cartridge in), inside one of my Bauer ice hockey gloves (masks any odors) and in the back pocket of the pants of my homemade Cobra Kai outfit. However, the most important part about hiding your stash isn’t necessarily where you actually hide it, but instead, actually remembering where you hid it. And the key to remembering is based on your “state of mind” when you hid it. I’m pretty sure I just blew through my allotment of commas. If you’ve never spent hours searching for a stash, or stumbled upon a stash weeks later, you’re a better man than I. As for Grey, he hides his stache in plain sight, right on his face. That’s how cool he is!

Please, blog, may I have some more?