Fantasy Baseball Advice

Let’s quote the Random Preseason Commenter, “You don’t have Matt Thornton in your top 20 closers?  Hey, Grey, how does it feel to suck at life?  Oh, and while you’re sucking, blow me.  Thank you.”  This isn’t to point out I knew Thornton would be terrible, but to say again how fickle closers are.  He wasn’t in the top 20 because he had very little experience as a closer, and to say he was a lock as an elite closer was absurd.  The whole point with closers is the same as William Goldman’s famous quote regarding Hollywood, “No one knows anything.”  Soria has a 5+ ERA, Mariano’s blown two saves, Brian Wilson has a 9+ ERA and Fernando Rodney… Well, you knew he would suck and he did.  In the preseason, I also said that Ryan Franklin would lose the job.  I didn’t think it would happen that fast, but there ya go.  I have more faith in Mitchell Boggs keeping the job and his accounting firm above water until October than I have in Ryan Madson, but he’s a closer too so he too should be owned.  It’s all about SAGNOF, ya’ll.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Heath Bell (+1) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson, Chad Qualls)
2. Carlos Marmol (+2) (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall)
3. Mariano Rivera (-2) (Rafael Soriano, Joba Chamberlain)
4. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard, Bobby Jenks)
5. Jose Valverde (+1) (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Joakim Soria (-3) (Aaron Crow, Jeremy Jeffress)
7. Craig Kimbrel (+7) (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
8. J.J. Putz (+7) (David Hernandez, Juan Gutierrez)
9. Francisco Rodriguez (Jason Isringhausen, Bobby Parnell)
10. Chris Perez (+2) (Tony Sipp, Chad Durbin, Rafael Perez)
11. Huston Street (+2) (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
12. Brian Wilson (-5) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
13. Francisco Cordero (+3) (Aroldis Chapman, Nick Masset)
14. John Axford (-4) (Kameron Loe, Zach Braddock, Takashi Saito)
15. Leo Nunez (+5) (Clay Hensley, Edward Mujica)
16. Joel Hanrahan (+6) (Evan Meek)
17. Drew Storen (+12) (Sean Burnett, Tyler Clippard)
18. Jordan Walden (+6) (Fernando Rodney, Hisanori Takahashi, Scott Downs)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. Brandon Lyon (+4) (Mark Melancon, Wilton Lopez)
20. Matt Capps (-3) (Joe Nathan)
21. Kyle Farnsworth (+8) (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee, J.P.Howell)
22. Kevin Gregg (+3) (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
23. Brandon League (+2) (David Aardsma)
24. Brian Fuentes (+4) (Grant Balfour, Andrew Bailey)
25. Jon Rauch/Frank Francisco (+2) (Octavio Dotel, Jason Frasor)
26. Mitchell Boggs (-10) (Jason Motte, Ryan Franklin, Miguel Batista)
27. Jonathan Broxton/Hong-Chih Kuo/Vicente Padilla (-19) (Matt Guerrier, Kenley Jansen)
28. Ryan Madson (-7) (Antonio Bastardo, Jose Contreras, Brad Lidge)
29. Sergio Santos (-19) (Matt Thornton, Chris Sale, Jesse Crain)
30. Darren Oliver (-6) (Arthur Rhodes, Darren O’Day, Neftali Feliz, Anyone With Intimidating Facial Hair)

Not that there’s anything wrong about being from NJ.  Both Rudy and I are proud to be from NJ, though not in NJ.  NJ ex-pats are great.  We spread our love of high-haired women and capicola around the country.  As for Jay Bruce, he’s sucking on the ol’ suckhole.  You can say that again, but please don’t just say it again cause that’s lame; I really don’t like when people do that. Okay, random italicized voice.  Though I have cut back to three cups of coffee a day, so that’s helped with my patience. Can I continue?  Yup. We’re all on the same page that it’s only two weeks into the season, right?  If Bruce had 12 homers in April and went into a two week slump, you’d care?  Well, probably a little, but c’mon.  It’s insane the amount of people in comments and our fantasy baseball forums ready to jump ship on Bruce.  There’s no projection changes on him.  He’s a hair away from what you’re going to get from Nelson Cruz.  If you can trade a sucker owner seventy cents on the dollar for Bruce, you do that all day and twice on Muesday.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

David Murphy – Probably the number one hitter pick-up this week.  How’s dem apples?  Delicious!  Murphy is worth a grab in all leagues while Hamilton tries to find someone to blame for his fragile body and awkward headfirst slide.  Isn’t the first step accepting personal responsibility for your own shortcomings?

Sam Fuld – The other shoe is gonna drop any day now and Fuld will go back to hunting wabbits and being unownable.

Johnny Damon – I know, exciting!  Next I’m gonna tell you to eat your vegetables and wear aqua socks in the locker room to avoid Athlete’s foot.  The entire Rays offense started the season a week and a half late, Damon included.  He’s far from a huge upside play, but he should be owned in more than 20% of leagues.

Daniel Murphy – Middle infidel options this week are boring with a dash of yawnstipating.  The Mets seemed to figure out Emaus is sick as in unhealthy, not sick as in sick.

Maicer Izturis – Hey, hey, how ya doing?  Maicer, what goes on, Maicer?  Tomorrow, it’s Saturday, Saturday, it’s a Saturday.  And it’s time for some bleh stats from Maicer.

Jamey Carroll – Um… Let’s see what positive I can say.  He has a hot girl name?  Yeah, I got nothing.  He’s playing.  That’s it.

Jed Lowrie – People seem to love good ol’ Jed.  Well, move to Beverly Hills!  He’s a pretty light hitting MI.  Not much more than Polanco even with everyday ABs.  He is hitting and playing right now though.

Jon Herrera – Won’t continue to be as valuable as he’s been this week, but he does have speed.  SAGNOF!

David Freese – Lost Zimmerman?  Turn your FML into YML (Yay My Life)!  For a limited time only, Freese will adequately fill in with the outside chance of staying productive for the whole year.

Wilson Betemit – He’s an Own While Hitting, which needs a snappier name and it might find its way into the glossary.

Brian Fuentes – How is he owned in less than 40% of ESPN leagues?  Did Andrew Bailey sign up for 60% of ESPN leagues?

Sean Burnett – Riggleman, who is not related to the Jigga man, says Storen will share chances, but Burnett is actually, ya know, getting saves.

Kyle Farnsworth – For those sitting in the back of the room, chewing on gum and passing notes, Farnsworth is the Rays closer.

Matt Thornton/Chris Sale/Sergio Santos – Mergio Thornsale is getting saves for the Pale Hose and they’re runny.

Chris Narveson – Was in last week’s Buy/Sell, is in this week’s, will he wear the Three Wolf Moon shirt and go for the Pat Riley-patented three-peat next week?

Zach Britton – You got your tickets for Wootstock, you eat Jujubes like they’re your acne medicine and Britton has been on your team since he was a junior in high school.  Fair enough.  For those non-mavericks reading along, you can add him, just watch out for certain match-ups.

Wilson Ramos – There was a pop group in Venezuela who translated all of Wilson Phillips’ music into Spanish.  Their name was Wilson Ramos.  A singer in Wilson Ramos was the daughter of the lead singer from the Mamis Y Papis.  That is all completely true.  The Nats have a lot of nothing with “At One Time My Nickname Pudge Was Literal Because of Steroids” Rodriguez.  Ramos has a 12-homer bat.  NL-Only or two catcher leagues take notice.

SELL

Vernon Wells – In my rankings, I said, “I wouldn’t draft Wells with your team.  Ain’t worth the headache.”  Take an aspirin and lose Wells.

Austin Jackson – I call this Sell column, “I told you I didn’t like these guys three months ago, except for Alvarez.”  Jackson doesn’t have the crazy speed like some SAGNOF’ers, isn’t a good average guy despite last year and has little power.  I.e., bleh, blech, belch.

Chone Figgins – I hate to dump him outright, so I’m not suggesting that.  See if you can sell him to anyone for anything.  Well, anything but Jamey Carroll.

Pedro Alvarez – I’m concerned, friends.  He might hit .220 this year.  I’m not telling you to drop him, but I’d see if I could sell him to someone who thinks they’re buying low.  BTW, The other day I fielded a Pedro Alvarez question in person.  So I met a girl who plays fantasy baseball.  Of course, I thought this was terrific.  Then I went out on a date with her and it felt like I was dating Random Razzball Commenter.  “Do you like sushi?”  “Um, yeah, yeah…So when I DL Hamilton, would you pick up David Murphy?”  “Sure, wanna order edamame?”  “That’s fine…”  She looks at her cellphone, “Hey, Ben Francisco’s available too.  And what do I do with Pedro Alvarez?”  I want to thank all of you for ruining what should have been a great date.

Around 7 AM on Sunday morning, my smoke detector started beeping every few minutes.  Hungover, I rolled out of bed.  I figured the battery was low, so I removed it and went back to sleep.  An hour later, it started beeping again.  So I removed the smoke detector from the wall and it stopped beeping.  Then at 3 AM Monday night, it started beeping again.  I pulled out my ladder and, like I was defusing a bomb but not caring if it blew up, I indiscriminately cut all the wires from the smoke detector and went back to sleep.  About 5 hours later, it started beeping again.  I pulled a hammer from my tool box and began smashing the smoke detector.  Then I went into my office and did the same to that smoke detector just to make sure.  Then I removed the one from my bedroom and did the same.  No more beeping…. Until Tuesday at 2 AM.  So I took all three smashed smoke detectors and threw them in the dumpster.  When I returned from the dumpster, more beeping.  It was like I was in England during the German raids of WWII.  The tell-tale heart was beat, beat, beating.  The next morning, I called a electrician to come by.  He said he couldn’t make it until Thursday, so I wore headphones all day Wednesday to block out the beeping.  Finally, on Thursday, the electrician showed up at my house and installed new smoke detectors.  In broken English, he told me everything was now fine.  I could remove my headphones.  Just then, there was more beeping.  Ah-ha!  See?!  I’m not crazy!  So the electrician followed the beeping sound and found the culprit.  In a desk drawer, there was a malfunctioning alarm clock.  I don’t tell you this story so you question all advice I give you, but this smoke detector dance reminded me of picking up free agents in fantasy baseball.  Alex Gordon hits.  You pick him up.  He stops hitting.  You drop him.  He starts hitting again.  You pick him up again.  He stops hitting.  You smash him with a hammer, throw him in the dumpster and promise yourself you’ll never pick him up again.  Then he hits again and you grab him.  I don’t have a lot of faith that Gordon will continue his production all year, but you absolutely have to pick him up just to see if he’s the real deal or just a malfunctioning alarm clock.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Brandon Belt – I almost didn’t put Belt in this week’s Buy because I figured everyone already owns him.  Then I saw he was only owned in 21% of ESPN leagues.  Quick lesson that I learned freshman year at the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston.  When choosing between random boring vet that could give you 25 homers (Juan Rivera) and upside, you always take a flyer on upside.

Mark Trumbo – See 1/8th of an inch above.

Juan Miranda – I have less faith in Miranda than the two above him, but he’s also guaranteed better playing time than those two.  If Ross returns and Belt isn’t hitting, he could lose his job.  When Kendry(s) returns, Trumbo could lose his job.  Whereas, the Diamondbacks said they want to see Miranda at first and backing him up is Russell Branyan.  With all due respect to Mrs. Branyan and son, Billy, and the whole Branyan family tree, Russell is not someone the Diamondbacks should turn to for any extended period of time.

Jordan Walden – I’m not you’re babe, Fernando… Even Fernando Rodney will admit that he was only the closer because he was scary looking.  He’s got Closer Face.  3 sentences, 2 Lady Gaga references.  I will now donate my testicles to science.  Could Walden be Neftali Feliz for 2011?  Could be, young Razzball reader.

Sean Burnett – While save vultures have trouble reproducing because they’re usually overweight guys who would prefer to listen to sports news than what the girl they’re dating is talking about.  “How do I look in this dress?”  “Very skinny, Sean Burnett.”   “Did you just call me, Sean Burnett?”  “No.”  Save vultures should be picking on Burnett’s carcass.

Brandon League – He’s getting the saves now.  What, you’re above grabbing a few saves while Aardsma’s out?  Well, ain’t you the meow’s cat.

David Aardsma – He should be back in two weeks.  Do your leagues not have DL spots?

Chris Narveson – I just wrote my Narveson fantasy.  If you read it backwards, it says, “Satan is a pygmy.”

Edwin Jackson – Just went over him this morning.  Scroll down.  Not with your eyes.  With your mouse.

Charlie Morton – Has now appeared in two straight Buy/Sells.  Still has a long way to go to break the record six straight weeks that I spent touting Luke Scott last year.

Aaron Harang – I was just thinking how Petco was where Dusty Baker threw Harang’s career off track three years ago during an indefensible relief outing.  Dusty, “Harang, I need four innings from you three days after your last start.  Muahahahahaha… Wait, did I just laugh maniacally out loud?  My bad.”  Harang should have the PA system at Petco play Redemption Song when he takes the mound.

Kyle Drabek – Slightly bonkers to me that Drabek is owned in 70% more ESPN leagues than Brandon Beachy.  I like Drabek, but I kinda don’t want any AL East pitchers, in general.

Brandon Beachy – Give me the password to your fantasy team and I’ll pick him up for you.

Chris Iannetta – Iannetta tweeted the other day, “In my fantasy league, even I own Kurt Suzuki.  #what’swrongwiththeworld?”

Russell Martin – Owned in only 37.5% of ESPN leagues, but I guess 40% of ESPN leagues are abandoned already, so that’s about right.

Alfonso Soriano – He hits in April then his knees get grammie.

Logan Morrison – I have a feeling this year Morrison is going to be one of those players that is very valuable in NL-Only leagues but floats on the top of waiver wires in mixed leagues.

Ben Francisco – More for those in deep mixed leagues because his ceiling is like the 7 1/2 floor in the Mertin Flemmer Building.

SELL

Michael Morse – Hey, you tried to go with the latest/greatest/superlative outfield flyer, but he looks lost.

Michael Cuddyer – Sticking with the newly established Michael theme, Cuddyer is owned in 98% of ESPN leagues, but Morrison is owned in 31%.  Okie-dokie.

Kurt Suzuki – He’s such garbage that garbage is filing a copyright infringement case against him.

Brian Roberts - Smoke a Newport, because Roberts is alive with pleasure!  He’s rejuvenated, he’s hitting for power, he’s stealing bases, he’s… Oh, c’mon, it’s not going to last.  He has a history of knee, hip and back problems.  That sounds like someone who will be sliding hard into 2nd on steal attempts and staying healthy?  Yeah, I don’t think so either.  I wouldn’t sell Roberts for a copy of Ring Magazine with Abdullah the Butcher on the cover, but I would explore options.

After a long, much-needed vacation, Friday’s Buy/Sell returns.  Friday’s Buy/Sell, “I spent the better part of the last four months having my naughty bits lathered in Marshmallow Fluff.”  *crickets*   Friday’s Buy/Sell, “All right, let’s get to the post.”  Brett Gardner hit leadoff on Opening Day.  In case you recently emerged from a coma, I’ll give it to you one more time.  Gardner equals Jacoby Ellsbury.  They’re the same.  Tomato-tomato with a different emphasis.  Right now, maybe you’re like, “No dur.”  Okay, but in our Funston-fueled draft, Ellsbury went 70 picks before Gardner, so you may be saying “No dur,” but someone else is saying “Yeah dur.”  If you’re a yeah dur’er and not a no dur’er, you might want to reconsider your dur’s.  Or it’s dur on you.  You want dur on you?  No, you want no dur.  Now, I’m not saying you should sell Ellsbury for less than his worth.  I think he’s going to be fine, but if you can sell Ellsbury for a big bat or SP and get Gardner much cheaper, you do that.  Dur.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Mark Trumbo – May not start every day, may not last in the majors when the once-singular Kendrys returns.  Don’t matter to me.  You’re not dropping anyone worthwhile to take the gambo.

Alex Gordon – I swear to your deity of choice that if Gordon fails again this year I’m UPS’ing him a flaming turd.

Kila Ka’aihue – I’d take Ka’aihue before Gordon.  Thanks for asking, Random Razzball Commenter.

Brett Wallace – Have you seen the Astros lineup?  If Wallace does anything to impress, he could be hitting third by May.

Brandon Belt – I just wrote my Brandon Belt fantasy yesterday.  I wrote it in pink highlighter on my Trapper Keeper and had an anteater transcribe it.  The lengths I go to for you!

Edwin Encarnacion – 25 homers and a poor average are a lock if he just stays healthy.  It’s not quite butter without the ER in AL-Only leagues.  In mixed leagues, you might prefer a flying elbow.

Brandon Beachy – I will now attempt to write a Beachy blurb without a pun.  He’s the fifth starter on the Braves with solid upside, but not without piers– gah!  Okay, trying again.  I do love Beachy; he’s a total playa– dah!  All right, last chance.  Beachy is fly like a G6 because they’re both jetty.  Sorry, that was terrible.

Andrew Cashner – Worth a flyer in NL-Only leagues for now, but with all of his BBs you might wanna shoot your eye out.

Charlie Morton – Rudy was scatting around town, jazzed about grabbing this guy in one of our NL-Only leagues.  Here’s what Rudy said, “There are two types of crappy pitchers:  1) The type that get hit because they have bad stuff and 2) The type that get hit because they don’t know how to use their good stuff.  At least with the second type, they might figure it out.  Charlie Morton is the 2nd type.”  And that’s me quoting Rudy!

Carlos Gomez – He’s dazzling in his lack of baseball skills.  Not sure how many people remember this SAGNOF schmohawk from the early Naughts but you know who Gomez reminds me of?  Alex Sanchez.  Yeah, the gooftard who would hit one homer a year and got caught doing PEDs.  For some reason, I’ve been seeing a lot of other SAGNOF guys on teams (countless teams with Tabata) but no Gomez.  He’s cheap steals and could surprise with a few homers.  There’s value in that.

Ryan Doumit – While Chris Snyder is on the DL, no reason why you can’t throw Doumit a bone.*  *Mandatory one catcher per Buy/Sell requirement filled.

Jose Contreras – Okay, now for the SAGNOF portion of our program, which is brought to you by Purina Dog Chow.  It’s pitchy, dog!  The AARP Man of the Year looks to be the favorite in Philly.  I think it’s going to be closer to a timeshare with Madson than that.

Ryan Madson – See 1/8th of an inch above.

Sergio Romo – In some leagues, I wouldn’t go crazy adding Romo.  Doode can design the shizz out of jeans but Wilson should be back by the middle of next week.

Sean Burnett – Is there a more unexciting name?  He needs a nickname, like Stymie.  Stymie Burnett should get the majority of the saves early on, but I’d think Storen works his way into the majority by May.

Brian Fuentes – Here’s a guy I’d add all over the place.  I trust Andrew Bailey getting/staying healthy about as much as I trust flyers left on my apartment building front door.  What happened, you ask?  So, I come home around 3AM, drunk and there’s a sign posted on my apartment building front door about a party in apartment #14.  I’m like, “Party!”  So I run up to #14, throw open the door and there’s four guys standing there naked in a circle.  Yup.  I did the ‘ol slow backwards walk while saying, “Wrong apartment.”

Sell

Mat Latos – Ground rules for the Sells.  Some of these guys are droppable, some are tradeable and some are just overrated and trades should be explored.  Latos is tradeable.  Here’s you drafting him, “Grey thinks he knows better than me… HA!  I will show that mustachioed man a thing or two about a thing or two– No, Mom, I’m not talking to myself!  Shut my door!”  Latos is going to break down this year.  It’s I to the nevitable.  The writing is all over the wall.  He already has a shoulder strain in the spring.  He’s going to magically get better by throwing 200 innings?  Sorry, doode, you don’t even need Angela Lansbury, you’re brainwashing yourself.

Jair Jurrjens – Hey, it’s a Razzball favorite in opposite world.  He’s a 4+ ERA pitcher with a bleh strikeout rate and he’s injury-prone.  Sounds terrific in opposite world.  Maybe when you’re done parking your Lamborghini in opposite world and making love to Jessica Alba (or George Clooney for our three girl readers — I didn’t forget about you, ladies!), you lose Jar-Jar.

Frank Francisco has a sore pectoral, Dotel has a sore hammy, I have a boo-boo on my finger.  Who’s going to close for the Jays?!  Rauch, and there’s no reason to scream.  Brian Wilson lost his Smile and may miss Opening Day.  Joe Nathan looks like he’s going to be the closer and also like he’ll be nothing like the Joe Nathan of old.  I’d handcapp him with Matt Cuffs… Uh, huh?  It makes me nauseous to write this but we got a hurt Putz.  He should be fine a week or two into the season, so, ya know, still draft him.  Fernando Rodney is going to be the closer and he’s going to be dreadful.  Andrew Bailey has a forearm strain and can never stay healthy.  Same could be said about Lidge, except his pain is in the biceps, or is it bicep?  Neftali wants to start, but I still think he closes.  Though I would love a decision on this.  Kevin Gregg sucks.  Storen may not even make the team the way he’s throwing.  And Franklin is firmly in the closing role which I don’t think lasts.  In other words, it’s the usual closer shizz.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (Rafael Soriano, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Heath Bell (Luke Gregerson, Chad Qualls, Mike Adams, Pat Neshek)
3. Joakim Soria (Robinson Tejeda, Jeremy Jeffress)
4. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard, Bobby Jenks)
6. Jose Valverde (+1) (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry)
7. Brian Wilson (-3) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt, Santiago Casilla)
8. Jonathan Broxton (Hong-Chih Kuo, Matt Guerrier, Kenley Jansen)
9. Francisco Rodriguez (+1) (Bobby Parnell, Manny Acosta)
10. John Axford (+1) (Takashi Saito, Zach Braddock)
11. Matt Thornton (+3) (Chris Sale, Jesse Crain)
12. Chris Perez (+2) (Rafael Perez, Tony Sipp)
13. Huston Street (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
14. Craig Kimbrel (+1) (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
15. J.J. Putz (-7) (David Hernandez, Juan Gutierrez)
16. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Aroldis Chapman, Nick Masset)
17. Joe Nathan (+4) (Matt Capps)
18. Ryan Franklin (+4) (Jason Motte, Mitchell Boggs)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. Leo Nunez (+4) (Clay Hensley, Edward Mujica)
20. Brandon Lyon (+3) (Wilton Lopez, Jeff Fulchino)
21. Brad Lidge (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras, Danys Baez)
22. Joel Hanrahan (Evan Meek)
23. Neftali Feliz (-2) (Alexi Ogando, Mark Lowe, Darren O’Day)
24. Fernando Rodney (-1) (Hisanori Takahashi, Kevin Jepsen, Jordan Walden)
25. Kevin Gregg (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
26. Brandon League (+2) (David Aardsma)
27. Jon Rauch (-3) (Frank Francisco, Octavio Dotel, Jason Frasor)
28. Brian Fuentes/Grant Balfour (-15) (Andrew Bailey)
29. Kyle Farnsworth/Jake McGee (+1) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
30. Drew Storen/Sean Burnett/Tyler Clippard/Todd Coffey/Bill Cosby