Fantasy Baseball Advice

Scott Rolen is out for the season.  It’s time to go gorilla!  I don’t even know what that means.  Random Italicized Voice, no one knows what it means, but it’s provocative!  If you got some risk to burn in deeper leagues at corner infidel, get in on Juan Francisco.  I talked a bit yesterday about how I’m gonna go caca-cuckoo on Francisco next year if he has a starting job.  I’m gonna be like a cyclops wearing a monocle.  Why a cyclops wearing a monocle?  Good question.  A cyclops only has one eye so it’s particularly sharp.  Like how a blind person’s hearing is enhanced.  So you put a monocle on a cyclops and you have creature that sees everything.  That’ll be me.  BTW, Yonder and Francisco have complementary hat tilts.  Just something I thought you should know.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Logan Morrison – Could return on Thursday after being diagnosed with patella tendinitis.  Oh, wait, is Patella the doctor’s name?

Alexi Ogando – Rangers are considering moving Ogando to the bullpen.  Earth to the Rangers, come in Rangers.  Considering?  He should’ve been moved two months ago.  Check yo’ self, before you wreck yo’ self… Too many innings is bad for his health.

Nelson Cruz – Activated from the DL, but will be used as a pinch-hitter initially.  Belch.

David Murphy – Hit two homers as I benched him on my fantasy teams for Cruz because I thought that’s what Washington would do.  Belch, fart.

Jim Johnson – He’s now converted back-to-back-to-back saves with the Teflon Closer, Gregg, on the sidelines.  Meanwhile, Gregg blew his only save opp in the last week.  If you need saves, Johnson’s the way to go.  As for a strange but true fact, Jim Johnson is from Johnson City, NY.  Kevin Gregg isn’t from Crap City, NY.

Matt Wieters – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Now has 19 homers and 61 RBIs while batting .260.  If he takes a step forward next year, he could be a top three catcher.

Jeff Karstens – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Karstens obviously needs Jack Hannahan and his monkeys.

Derrek Lee – 2-for-4 with a homer.  I haven’t seen any consistent streaks from this schmohawk this year.  Hits a homer or two then goes into a two week “I’m old.  My back’s sore.  Somebody call a wambulance” free fall.

Zack Greinke – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I think the Brewers win it all.  As I said back in March.

Justin Morneau – Still feeling concussion symptoms and doesn’t think he’ll return this year.  That’s his concussion concession speech.

Mike Minor – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks.  Ugh, so inefficient.  Pretty disappointing stuff from Minor this year.  I know, I know.  A 4.11 ERA and a K per inning isn’t terrible.  But I’m like Veruca Salt up in here and I want more!

Chipper Jones – 2-for-5 as he continues to swing a hot bat.  That’s what she said!  He’s hitting .375 over the last week with 2 homers.

Brian McCann – Hit his 24th homer as he hit out of the six hole yesterday.  He’s hitting under .200 in September, so I get it, but, wow, Fredi is reactionary.  Next thing you know Jose Constanza is gonna be catching.

Brandon Phillips – 1-for-2 with a homer.  I mentioned Phillips yesterday after he homered twice regarding his disappointing season, but, I guess, if you have to get hot at any time during the season, now’s a good time.  About time BP starting giving back.

Dillon Gee – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I tried to steer people away from Gee for this start.  Looked favorable, but he was alternating good starts with bad and he was due for a bad one.  And that theory goes out the window with my socks.  I don’t wash them; I just throw them outside for the homeless.  I give back.  Did I ever mention I once answered phones for the Chabad Telethon?  True story.  And I’m not even officially Jewish.  Eat it, Itzhak Perlman!

Troy Tulowitzki – Left yesterday’s game with more hip issues.  He’s too hip to be sore!  I imagine he’s gonna sit out at least a few more days.

Bruce Chen – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  They call him Bruce (because that’s his name)!  Sure, it was against the Twins, but still he was coming off two straight games giving up 5 earned, so it took some cojones to start him here.

Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer as he bats .231.  Hosmer is blowing him out of the water for fantasy value this year, but I have this gut feeling that it’s gonna be reversed next year.  I don’t have anything to back that up.  It’s my gut.  It might be the chicken shawarma I had for dinner.

Brandon Morrow – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Don’t worry, there’s always next year when I get unreasonably happy for Morrow and his 5+ ERA.

J.P. Arencibia – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 23rd homer.  Someone asked yesterday where Arencibia was gonna be drafted next year.  Good question.  I think people will see the under .230 average and get scared off.  Not I, friend.  He’ll definitely be more than a blip on my radars.

Carlos Santana – Hit his 22nd homer yesterday.  You know what?  There’s actually gonna be decent depth next year for catchers.  The catcher position slept at a Holiday Inn last night.

Dustin Pedroia – 4-for-5, 2 homers, 4 runs, 5 RBIs.  Sparky Anklebiters are so cute when they get all rambunctious and yappy.

David Ortiz – Left the game with back spasms.  In elementary school, they used to say to me, “Back, spazz.”  That’s probably unrelated.

Cole Hamels – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Astros.  This coming a day after the Astros beat up on Oswalt.  The Braves should’ve made a deadline deal for J.D. Martinez, Clint Barmes and J.B. Shuck.

Jason Bourgeois – 2-for-5 with a steal.  He’s not playing every day, but when he does play, he’s hitting and stealing (.467 with 3 steals in the last week).

Gavin Floyd – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  I’m pretty sure Danks and Floyd pitch simply to upset fantasy owners.

David Price – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Suckie-O’s.  I expected more from Price in this start.  Am I asking too much?  Maybe I’m just like my mother, she’s never satisfied.  Wait, that’s not Price, that’s Prince.

B.J. Upton – 1-for-3 with 2 steals.  *big voice*  He’s one steal away from a 20/30 year!  *small voice*  He’s batting .235.

Pablo Sandoval – Bochy said Pablo has regained the weight he lost last winter.  He’s now back to being Pablo Sandsphere.

As Alex Rodriguez rehabs down in Miami, the heat (oofa!) is on his gambling habits.  “According to the baseball executive, MLB has yet to positively determine that Rodriguez took part in the (poker) games, which reportedly included actors Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, John Malkovich and that guy in that movie starring that other guy.”  Poker is a game played by men or women who will beat your ass, so you know A-Rod is only getting invited to these games because he’s probably the world’s worst poker player.  A-Rod’s favorite hand?  Jacks over Queens.  If A-Rod wants to avoid a suspension, he better take a long hard look in the mirror.  A-Rod, “I’m talking to the man in the mirror.  I’m asking him to make love to me.”  Man, A-Rod is so lame I almost feel bad making fun of him.  Then I think about his two trillion dollar contract and I wanna punch myself in the face.  Maybe this is how A-Rod hurt himself.  Favorite part, “This is no bluff.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Scott Rolen – Out for 4-6 weeks.  Or as they call it in the Rolen household, “Just another day not at the park.”

Yonder Alonso – Taking grounders at 3rd.  “Hey, this is Dusty Baker’s voicemail.  Sorry I couldn’t get your call but I was making out the lineup card without Yonder Alonso in it.”

Dontrelle Willis – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Some of you might remember this, but I had this hypothesis that Dontrelle was a herbathrowdite — you know a hitter trapped in a pitcher’s body — and when he was in the AL he never felt comfortable because he couldn’t hit.  Yesterday, he hit a homer and has a 3.41 ERA so far.  It’s a theory worth noting, not a reason to pick him up.

Casey McGehee – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 3 homers.  Did they throw out green top hats after he hit the 3rd?

Randy Wolf – 6 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  After the game, Wolf announced he was Team Jacob.  So predictable.

Corey Hart – 2-for-5 with the slam and legs.  With a little ingenuity and three point font, I squeezed Hart into my top 100 for the 2nd half.  Well, whoop dee doo, Grey!  Okay, Random Italicized Voice, but he is hitting over .400 in the last week with two homers and a steal.  Well, la di da!

Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 8 ER, 15 baserunners, 6 Ks as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post then cat o’ nine tailed them to death with earned runs.  When one player hits a homer off you, pitch around him next time.  When one player hits two homers off you, hit him in the square of the back next time.  If he jumps a jack, then you make him wail.  Listen to Brian Seltzer, or whatever his name is, he has all the answers!

Charlie Furbush – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Impressive first start against Billy Beane’s A’s.  If the A’s were any more impotent against Furbush, you’d think Billy Bean was the GM.

Gio Gonzalez – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Now has given up 16 runs in the last 16 1/3 innings.  Um, not so good.  He gets the Jays next time out.  That’s not so good either.  Two negatives aren’t making a positive here either.

Josh Wilingham – 1-for-4 with his 16th homer as he hits over .320 in the last week with 3 homers.  It’s against my better judgment to recommend an A’s hitter, but The Other White Meat has been hitting.

Ryan Vogelsong – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  After a couple of just mediocre starts, guess he got his swagger back.  Truth.

Delmon Young – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Wednesday is Delmon’s thump day.  I’d say he hasn’t done much this year, but he really hasn’t done much in his career.  He had an okay 2nd half last year, so if you’re juggling 5th outfielders like a drunk clown, give him a shot.

J.D. Martinez – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer.  He’s playing every day now that the Astros are Pence-less.  In Double-A, he had 13 homers and a .338 average in 88 games.  He looks like a lock to hit for a good average (~.290) in the majors, but the homers may top out at 20.  He has little to no speed.  Stephen also gave him some love recently.  He wrote it while popping a bubble.

Billy Butler – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer.  You can’t stop him, you can only hope to contain him, which is the motto for his line of manssieres.

Gavin Floyd – 2 1/3 IP, 10 ER.  Say uncle, Floyd.

Jason Marquis – **Writing this before the game**  5 IP, 4 ER.  **Back after the game** Okay, turned out I was a little too optimistic with the Marquis de Shat as he went 4 IP, 7 ER.

Eric Young Jr. – 1-for-4 with his 2nd steal in as many games.  I feel like a beat dog when I look at EY Jr. because of how many times I’ve been excited by him only to watch him disappoint.  He’s now started every day for a week and has 4 steals.  He’s capable of 15 steals in a month.  For what it’s Wuertz, I grabbed him in every league where he was available.  May you stay, Eric Young.

Dexter Fowler – 1-for-3, 3 runs and a steal.  You know the drill.  It’s SAGNOF, all day and night.

Chien-Ming Wang – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks.  If you feel the need to grab Wang after this start, you might have some Freudian thing going on.

Jayson Werth – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Has now hit in every game in the last week with two homers and two steals.  When the guaranteed contract is in the bag and nothing is on the line, Werth is your man!

Jason Heyward – Sat again for Jose Constanza.  Who put Jason Heyward in the doghouse?  Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.

Jason Kipnis – Sticking with the Jason theme, Kipnis now has 4 straight games with a homer.  If you want, leave your password in the comments.  I’ll take it from there.

Matt Stairs – In honor of his retirement, we go to a Razzball greatest hit from two years ago, “Bud Black said Stairs isn’t ready to return from the DL because “he hasn’t been able to run with intensity.”  Stairs can drink a beer with intensity.  He can grow a mustache with intensity.  He can probably take a crap with intensity.  If you’re waiting for Stairs to run with intensity, my guess is it will be a long wait.”  Fairly well, Stairs.

Charlie Morton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, but got the no decision when the Pirates couldn’t score a run.  But what about Ryan Ludwick?!

Mike Napoli – 1-for-4 with his 17th homer and is now batting .293.  Seriously, take a moment and think about how you couldn’t keep Napoli on your team and then look again at a .293 average with 17 homers.  Who’s the schmohawk in this scenario?  It’s not me.  It’s definitely not Mike Napoli.  Go put your face up to the mirror like A-Rod.

Alex Avila – 2-for-3 with a homer.  He was mentioned somewhere… Oh, yeah!  Here.  Yesterday.  (Yeah, I busted out the one word douchey sentences.)  Now use your finger and scroll down.

Doug Fister – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks.  I had a total brain fart when I saw his record was 4-12 with a 3.29 ERA and I saw he was pitching for the Tigers.  I was like, “How on earth is his record so bad– Oh, that’s right, he was on the M’s.”  Fister, you make me punchy.

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  In his postgame interview, he said he couldn’t do it without Desmond Jennings.  Or he should’ve said that.  Tomato, tomahto.

J.P. Arencibia – Hit his 18th homer yesterday to go along with his .220 average.  Napoli’s hitting .293.

Brad Lidge – Got the save because Madson’s wife is having a baby.  I bet it’s Paul Giamatti’s baby.

Dustin Ackley was recalled (don’t ask why it’s recalled and not called up, baseball’s arcane at times).  Here’s what I said when he was about to get the call a little under a month ago, “Guess what ya’ll we’re gonna talk about the Mariners!  Snooze.  But we’re talking about the top Mariners prospect!  Yawn.  But it’s Dustin Ackley and he hit 5 homers and stole 2 bases in Triple-A last year over 237 plate appearances!  Burp.  So far this year, he’s been better with power and speed — 9 homers and 6 steals through 64 games (updated!).”  And that’s me quoting and updating me!  Because his home park ends in -co — Petco, Safeco, Metco — his power may take a bit of a hit.  His speed isn’t gazelle-like. (Gazellian?)  But, at middle infidel, you take the flyer to see what he can do.  It’s a MILF (Middle Infielder I’d Like to take a Flyer on).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Albert Pujols – One start away from gaining 3rd base eligibility.  Before the game, La Russa said, “I know I Mr. Bungled the closer situation for a few weeks earlier this year, so here’s a bone for fantasy owners.”  In other La Russa news, Razzball has an exclusive!  We’ve obtained a never before seen picture of Smurfette giving birth to Tony La Russa.

Allen Craig – Could miss up to 6 weeks while he’s mourning his small fracture in his kneecap n’ crunch.

Travis Wood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 2 Ks.  It’s always frustrating when a pitcher you want to believe in does well as far as earned runs go, but walks too many guys to get excited about.

Scott Rolen – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, now has 6 RBIs in the last 4 games.  Is there a more useless stat?  I’m surprised the saber-community hasn’t become more diligent about finding a better stat… Though maybe they have, I’m not at the forefront of the saber-movement.  “Hey, why is it an Inverted W?  Why not just call it an M?”  That’s me opening for Rob Neyer in concert.

Kyle Kendrick – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.

Jhoulys Chacin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I loved Jhoulys in the preseason — So Fresh, So Chacin, ha!  I crack myself up sometimes.  I have two regrets, wish I would’ve pushed him even harder on youse and I wish I owned him in every league.

Charlie Blackmon – 3-for-4 with his 5th steal in 5 games.  If you’re not giddy to grab him, we’ll never see eye to eye.  Go read Fantasy (insert a synonym for smart) dot com.

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Now you can’t blame me if you don’t own him.  Here’s what I said in the preseason, “Let’s count the ways we love Ricky Romero, shall we?  7 ways!  Okay, maybe I should count them out loud.  1) Will only be 26 years old.  2) Will be entering his third big league season, a time when pitchers tend to hit their stride.  3) His K-rate was 7 and half and can get better. 4) He cut his walks last year.  5) Golden rings.  6) Pitches in the AL East… Hmm… That’s not a positive.  7)  There was really only 4 reasons that I stretched out to 7.  2011 Projections:  13-6/3.65/1.30/180″  And that’s me quoting me!

Frank Francisco – Got the save yesterday, but Rauch was unavailable after pitching 2 innings on Tuesday.  I think Rauch or Francisco could get the next save.  Hello, wishy, meet my friend washy.

Adam Lind – 2-for-3 with his 13th home run.  Now has homers in back-to-back games and is hitting .337 on the year.  Glad to see Lind’s 2009 wasn’t hanging out with and getting influenced by Aaron Hill’s 2009.

Yunel Escobar – 3-for-4, home run.  I’m not a huge fan of Yunel’s because of his lack of speed but he’s hitting .292 with 8 homers.  He’s kinda doing what you paid in your draft for Martin Prado to do.

Chad Billingsley – 4 IP, 7 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Only thing he could do worse is if he changed his name to Chazz.  (BTW, we need a writer for Razzball who goes by the name Chazz.  I don’t care about your writing style or references.  In your profile pic, I want to see an Izod shirt, a sweater wrapped around your shoulders and a tennis racket.  That’s all I care about.  And maybe some anecdotes that involve your mumsy and pawpaw.)  No one wants Bills on their team if they own him, and I understand it.  Would I drop him?  Well, it’s not like he’s that good when he’s good, right?  Actually, his post-All-Star Break ERA last year was 3.00 and he had a 2.79 in July.  His June ERA last year was 6.11.  It’s June Gloom, ya’ll.  Also, his xFIP is decent and his K-rate is nice.  I wouldn’t go out and trade for him, but I would pick him up off waivers in some leagues and bench him if I had room.  I wouldn’t drop him in most leagues either, I’d just bench him.

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Was activated from the DL.  Nishioka, or Japanese Hazelnut as Rudy likes to call him because his last name slightly resembles the name for hazelnut gelato, should be grabbed in most mixed leagues.  Really, what else you got at MI?  Yeah, thought so.

Nick Markakis – 1-for-2 with a run.  For him, big game.  All kidding aside, what happened to this young brother?  Someone spray Windex on his bat or something.

Mike Morse – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 home runs.  The Morse God of Fantasy!

Danny Espinosa – 2-for-4 with his 11th home run to go along with his 6 steals.  I realize his average looks like Metamucil vomit, but I still find it hard to believe he isn’t owned everywhere.

Livan Hernandez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s a Latin 36 and pushing 250 lbs of pure blubber.  He probably can’t run a quarter mile.  His fastball is slower than some pitches you’d see from Jim Kaat at the Minnesota Twins Fantasy Camp.  Yet, his ERA is 3.77.  For me, this alone is reason enough to love baseball.

Gaby Sanchez – Hit his 12th home run, and is batting .310.  I’ll admit to underestimating his power.  Between dropping Anibal in one league after his first bad start and Gaby, the Florida Sanchii have confused me.

Ryan Madson – Won his third game, has 15 saves and ERA is 2.10.  One of our teams is doing great.  On that team, we have Madson, Venters and Storen as our relievers.  Three total draft flyers.  Really goes to the sentiment of SAGNOF.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 1-for-5 and is cooling off in a big way.  Keep in mind I told you to sell him two weeks ago.  I will mention that again in two weeks if he stays cold.  I will not mention it if he starts hitting again.

Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-4 with a home run and two steals.  While Jeter rents Friday Nights Lights with Minka so he can praise her acting, Nunez is manning short.  Speaking of short, he won’t have value for long, but he can be a decent stopgap at MI.  He has mostly speed, but, as he showed, there’s a bit of power.

Mark Teixeira – 3-for-5 with 2 home runs.  One for each oddly placed I in his name.  He now has 21 homers on the year.  Imagine if Te(i)x actually gets hot in the 2nd half.

Alcides Escobar – 3-for-3 with his third game in a row with a steal.  He also has multiple hit games in five straight and has raised his batting average almost 30 points this month.  You say potato, I say hot schmotato.

Jeff Baker – Homered yesterday.  With the Purple Evolutionist out, we added Baker to a bunch of deeper league teams.  The Cubs are batting him third (vs. lefties).  Though he might not play vs. righties.

Josh Beckett – One hit shutout of the Rays with 6 Ks.  Only hit was an infield single.  Yeah, Beckett’s having a nice season.  I said he was a great buy…last year when he was worse than dog balls, but I was time traveling and I thought it was 2011.  Oh, well.  Can’t win them all.  Maybe I should do steroids, is that legal for fantasy baseball bloggers?

Andrew Miller – Will be promoted by the Sawx to start against the Padres next Monday.  Terry Francona said, “Obviously, [Miller] is a huge part of our organization, and it’s going to stay that way.  He’s not going anywhere.”  Huge?  Sure, Francona.  And Marco Scutaro is really the lynchpin to your title hopes and you built the team squarely around the talents of Bobby Jenks.  Honestly, does my opinion of Miller matter for this matchup vs. the Padres?  I don’t think so.  If you really want to know, he’s been underachieving for years.  He’s been good this year in Pawtucket, but he’s been good in the minor leagues before.  I could see taking the flyer and then reevaluating after the Padres start, which is probably what the Sawx will be doing too.

Justin Morneau – To the DL.  The only way he’s hitting an upper decker this year is if he craps in the toilet tank.

As I was sipping from my high-priced stemware that also happens to feature Star Wars characters, I got to thinking about how lucky I was to grab Eric Hosmer in one league.  I patted myself on the back and took a dive onto my water bed.  As the posturepedic waves crashed over me, I slept.  A few hours later, I woke in a panic.  Water was dripping from my forehead.  Was there a leak in my bed?  No.  I was sweating, worried I fell for the hype machine like when I bought 10 Gregg Jefferies rookie cards for the incredibly low price of $9.  (On a baseball card side note, I was one of those schmohawks thinking baseball cards are only going to appreciate in value.  They are going to be so rare!  Ooh, a Mark McGwire 1987 card!  Better hold on to that one!  Wally Joyner has some pop!  Stock up!  Randy Velarde is the next Bucky Dent!  Put that one in a sleeve!  Now you can buy 200 cards for a nickel.  Alas…)  Is Hosmer going to be great with a side order of splendiferous?  Probably, friend, assuming splendiferous is a word.  But he’s a rookie.  A 2007 Ryan Braun rookie season is crazy rare.  Most rookie seasons are pretty just a’ight.  Some solid streaks, some funky streaks where it looks like they’re playing in a burlap sack.  In ESPN, Hosmer went from 1% to over 90% owned in a week.  Since 40% of ESPN leagues are filled with abandoned owners, that tells me 130% of fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term) are excited about Hosmer.  That’s your chance to sell high, you savvy fantasy owner you.  Obviously, in keepers, you hold tight.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Justin Turner – I’d have no interest in him if he didn’t have 2nd base eligibility.  How’s that for a hard sell?  Or is it a hard Buy?  Or maybe it’s a soft Buy…

Elliot Johnson – He sounds like a Vice President candidate from the early 1900s.  Elliot Johnson is a firm believer in woman suffrage.   Hopefully Nucky backs him.  It feels like the middle of the Rays infield is a black hole for upside.  Hey, is that Reid Brignac floating past the Russian space station?  Way to reach your potential!  Johnson has decent speed (~25 speed potential over a full season) and some light power.

Jason Bartlett – Speaking of black holes, it’s the Padres offense!  “I’ve been hitting the ball well for the last ten days.”  That’s a Bartlett quotation.

Carlos Pena – He’s over the ESPN ownership threshold that I usually look for (50% owned), but, even in ESPN leagues where the majority of the leagues are one owner with ten aliases, Pena should be owned more than he is.

Eric Hinske – This is the type of player I don’t like telling people to pickup outside of deep NL-Only leagues because at any moment he’ll either go back to the bench or start sucking from the suckhole.

Brandon Belt – He should be back any day (week?) now.  As we saw on his first trip through the majors, there’s no guarantee on how he’ll perform, but he should be better than he was.

Scott Rolen – You know what Scott Rolen is?  Gritty!  He’s cut from a different cloth than today’s players.  And he seems like a total douche.  While he’s healthy, I’d grab him.  He’s usually good for a short term add.

Rafael Furcal – He should be back within a week, so that puts his next DL-stint ETA at around three weeks from now.  Any the hoo!  You should own him while he’s playing (assuming you don’t have one of around 20 middle infielders that are better and/or less injury-prone).

Laynce Nix – He’s hitting around .400 over the least week.  Him and his brother, Jayson, tend to get hot for about one week a year.  Usually they’re pretty layme.  “I’m gonna make you eat that mustache of yours!” That’s their drunk, unemployed brother, Jaymes, prank calling me.

Corey Patterson – Started with Justin Turner Overdrive and now we’re talking about Corey “I could easily go 0-for-35 at any moment” Patterson.  This Buy post is a barn burner like the posse searching for John Wilkes Booth.

Roger Bernadina – I feel like I’ve heard his name somewhere before… Let me check my Memento-style tattoos:  1. Talk about Bernadina.  2. On Razzball.  3. There’s no 3.

Eric Thames – Don’t you wanna call him Ericus Thames?  Hey, maybe it’s just me!  He put up some pretty spectacular numbers in the PCL, but, as we all know, hitting in the PCL is like hitting on the moon with an aluminum bat.  Thames still has pop… Jose Bautista, “Call me Dad.”  Um, okay, Bautista.  If I were in an AL-Only league, I’d grab Thames for a little HBI (Hot Bat Injection), but he’ll probably strike out a ton and I’d hold for now in mixed leagues.

Domonic Brown – He’s going to get called up within the next two weeks.  Or my name is not Grey “I’ll Admit To Seeing Brian Setzer In Concert…Once!” Albright.

Matt Guerrier/Kenley Jansen – See this morning’s post, it can be found in less than one mouse click.  Good luck!

Fernando Salas – Looks to be locked in as Cards closer, which, obviously, means he could get replaced by Sunday.

Wilton Lopez – Melancon is good to poop on, I wouldn’t even waste my waste on Lyon and Lopez is buried in the bullpen of a team that doesn’t win.  It’s not great, but that’s why they call it SAGNOF.

Jamey Wright – SAGNOF!

Jake Arrieta – People are starting to catch on at ESPN that Arrieta should be owned, so be careful because that means he’s due for an explosion like you after a meal at El Torito.

SELL

Josh Johnson – No, don’t trade him for an autographed picture of Phyllis Diller.  But, yeah, I don’t like his injury history and he just had a forearm issue.  Everyone is saying he’s fine, and I believe them.  That still doesn’t mean another injury isn’t right around the corner.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper puts his pants on like everyone else.  One leg at a time.  Only he pulls a hamstring when he does it.  I’d drop him in most mixed leagues.

Justin Morneau – Hit his 2nd home run yesterday.  As Arnold used to say about his lover, “I love four baggers.”  We all do, Arnie.  But Morneau still doesn’t look right.  He’s too skinny.  Is he prepping a model chic look for Milan?  He looks malnourished like you should be sending a dollar a month to Minnesota to get him clean water and a bowl of rice.  I don’t know if his concussion led him to a diet of raw foods and Master Cleanses but something is up.  That’s between me, you and the guy behind you who’s photocopying his hand while he reads over your shoulder.  So you parlay this  “Morneau is back after his home run!” chatter and see if you can pawn him off for anything to another owner.  Now is your time to sell– nay, it’s your duty to act.  Go forth, young, socially awkward man and prosper!

The other day I was feeling tired but not tired like I could sleep but tired like I wanted to lie in bed and have Rudy read me a bedtime story.  So here’s what Rudy read to me, “Once upon a time, a very long time ago now, about last Friday, Neftali Feliz was the best closer in the major leagues.  Then there was a buzzing noise.  This buzzing noise meant something.  You don’t get a buzzing noise like that, just buzzing and buzzing, without it meaning something.  If there’s a buzzing noise, somebody’s making a buzzing noise, and the only reason for making a buzzing noise that I know of is because you’re a save vulture about to pick up Darren Oliver.”  “Rudy, why do the save vultures want Darren Oliver?”  “The  only reason for being a save vulture that I know of is for stealing saves from closer carcasses and right now Neftali is a carcass for the next two weeks.”  “But, Rudy, I own Neftali Feliz in a lot of leagues.  In fact, he’s been my best pitcher in a lot of those leagues.”  Long pause.  “Grey, I’m going to read you a different story.  I call this one, ‘Arthur Rhodes Will Steal Some Situational Saves from Darren Oliver.’”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball this weekend:

Ryan Madson – Jose Contreras, the Phillies closer and AARP Man of the Month of April, is headed to the DL.  I’d grab Madson everywhere (shoot, I think I already owned him in some leagues), but keep it in mind that he is a Cuddle Boy.  Speaking of which, can he enter the ninth inning with James Ingram’s Just Once playing?  That would be so awesome.  On the Jumbotron, a montage of the last scenes from The Last American Virgin could be playing, but instead of the kid paying for an abortion and driving home crying, it’s the Philliebot.

Roy Halladay – 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 14 Ks.  Sure, but he didn’t have to face the Padres best hitter, Nick Hundley.

Albert Pujols – Left the game with tightness in his hamstring.  Day-to-day as of this writing.  Or D2D, if you like these things to look like R&B groups.

Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I think I was supposed to draft Max Scherzer, The Nazi Killer, on at least one team.  What happened to that?  Or as Al Capps would say, “WHY DIDN’T THAT HAPPEN?!”

Ryan Raburn – You gave up on him.  Yeah, you did.  Okay, lie to yourself.  Either way, he’s playing every day and he hit 2 homers in the last four games.

Darwin Barney – 2-for-5 yesterday and hitting .329 so far.  He has no homers and 1 steal on the year.  Is he doing more than the middle infielder schmohawk behind door number #1?  Yeah, probably, but don’t get carried away.

Matt Kemp – 2-for-5, batting .402, 5 homers and 8 steals, not in just this game that would’ve been a record, except for a few games there in the early 2000s when Bonds was shooting up.  Kemp is on some kind of mission to prove he doesn’t need Torre, an owner or a woman to get the job done.  Doing work, son.  I like to think right now Kemp is in the locker room talking about himself in third person and wearing a kaftan.  Why?  Because he can!

Andre Ethier – I think he’s hit in every game this season.  So far I’m like 0-for-schmohawks with my overrated posts, but the season is young like Delmon.

John Lackey – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Los Angeles Angels of Not-Los Angeles County.  Maybe Lackey was pumped to face his old team, I don’t know.  I wouldn’t own him with your team.

Carl Crawford – 2-for-4 and a home run.  After the game, Crawford said he totally overslept his alarm clock by three and a half weeks.  Oopsie!

Randy Wolf – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I kinda don’t even want to talk about Wolf right now because he’s carrying our supposed-to-be-Gallardo-led LABR staff.

Rickie Weeks – Returned from a hand thingie-ma-whosie and hit a homer.  Appropriate of nothing… For some reason, I see Rickie Weeks singing the lyrics, “Felt on the big fat fanny,” louder than all the other words in It Was A Good Day.

Mike Aviles – Had the AYCE Slam & Legs yesterday when he gobbled down two homers and a steal.  Don’t like Aviles, but this could be the start of a hot streak.  If you’re hurting at middle infield, I’m not above picking up someone I don’t like.

Jeff Francoeur – 1-for-3 with a Freedom Fly.  He was a Buy in Friday’s post that I wrote while burping ulcer bile caused by my family visiting.

Mike Napoli – Now has 5 homers in 32 at-bats.  He now has more homers than games started.

Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4, 3 Ks and hitting .247 on the year.  Wait, wasn’t he supposed to win the MVP after the first week of the season?  Sonavathelastthreeweeks!

Danny Espinosa – He was one of our favorite MI sleepers coming into the season as he’s shown 20/20 potential and solid job security.  The biggest negatives were AVG (over/under at .245) and lineup position (which drives Runs/RBIs).  The AVG concerns aren’t going anywhere but he’s been hitting leadoff this week which should help his Runs and SB attempts.  He finally got his first SB on Sunday and wouldn’t be surprised if he goes on a streak like his MI-mate Ian Desmond.

Michael Morse – 6 for his last 16 with a homer yesterday.  Maybe it just took him a while to step up to the immense sleeper potential put on him.  (<–not sarcastic!)

Ben Zobrist – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer and 2nd homer in two games.  If a mohel in your league circumcised Zobrist from their team a little too quickly, you should grab him.

James Shields – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  ERA is now at 2.35 on the year.  Yeah, he’s bouncing back.  I’d start him every time out sans hesitation.  Or sansitation, for those that enjoy a good portmanteau.

Ricky Romero – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks and has an ERA of 3.00.  I feel like I was supposed to own him too.  Why do I not own any of the breakout guys that I wanted that are doing good but own all the potential breakout guys that aren’t doing well?  Why do you make me suffer Fantasy Gods?

Brandon Morrow – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  The sun did come out for Morrow.  Bet your bottom dollar!

Brett Cecil – Demoted to Triple-A not because he threw tantrums in the dugout.  But because he threw tantrums in the dugout after not pitching well.  Throw a tantrum after pitching well and you’re labeled eccentric and awesome.

Aaron Hill – Finally goes on DL after almost a whole week of waitin’ and seein’.  Evidently, the Blue Jays are playing in a weekly league vs. a daily league.

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer.  I told you he was a great guy to draft…Only I told you about 13 months too early.  Excuse me if you can’t handle my prescience.

Derek Jeter – 4-for-6 to raise his average .257.  Not a huge fan, but I did almost make Jeter a Buy on Friday.  He’s not done done, just not the Pasta Diving Jeter he once was.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper has pain in his right knee.  His left knee said, “Join the club!”

Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Beachy didn’t leave many stranded.

Brett Anderson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Another guy I loved in the preseason that I should own everywhere, yet don’t.  Dubya tee eff, doode, dubya tee eff.

Brad Ziegler – Attributes his early success with his new diet that includes drinking soy milk.  Luckily he didn’t start drinking V-8 as that might jeopardize his pitching motion.

Anibal Sanchez – Took a no-hitter into the ninth on Friday.  This was what I wrote to Rudy this weekend over IM.  “Here’s our luck thus far in our leagues.  One pitcher we’ve dropped in all our leagues so far…. The one pitcher we felt we should’ve never drafted and that was expendable… The pitcher we dropped in one league for Phil Effin’ Coke was… Anibal Sanchez.”  Rudy responded with, “I saw.”  There was nothing else to say.  The pain was palpable.

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Member that Go West “King of Wishful Thinking” thing I said about Marcum starting the All-Star Game?  Yeah, it’s gonna be Johnson.  Be fun to watch his porn star brother Gosh Johnson work the All-Star crowd for groupies.  “We’re gonna have a Johnson signing event in my hotel room from 2 to 3.  That’s 2 PM to 3 AM.”

Scott Rolen – Who had Easter Sunday for the Rolen to DL pool (with strained left shoulder that’s been a persistent issue for him)?  Collect your money.  For now, Cairo is the replacement and is recommended in all Fantasy Razzball league formats (aka you get points for negative performance).  Juan Francisco will get some starts when he returns from the DL.  He’s got serious power but has more holes in his swing than Augusta National.  He’s a good stash in NL-only though.

David Wright – The AYCE slam & legs (2 HR, 1 SB) with 3 runs and 3 RBIs.  Watching the carcass tandem of Jason Bay and Carlos Beltran play so hard must be inspiring him.

Jason Pridie – With Angel Pagan on the DL (did he tag in Jason Bay first?), Terry Collins looked at his corner OFs (Bay and Beltran) and decided he needed better than the average at best defense of Willie Harris and Scott Hairston in CF.  Pridie has a good defensive reputation and has shown speed in the minors (25 SBs a year in two full AAA seasons) but, despite his HR on Sunday, is a below average hitter that’s worthless outside of NL-only leagues.  Or as Larry David would say, “He is (not) pridie pridie good.”

Zack Greinke – He’s still on pace for an early May return.  Only 3 things could derail it:  1) he plays pickup basketball, 2) he has a mental episode, or 3) he has a mental episode about not playing pickup basketball.