Fantasy Baseball Advice

Orlando Cabrera taxied into Cleveland yesterday.  Does Cleveland’s middle infield of Orlando and Asdrubal remind anyone else of an embarrassing moment at Epcot that I blamed on a 5-year-old?  Probably just me.  Hopefully not too many mixed leaguers are doing handstands over this news.  Orlando Cabrera is good for 7-10 homers and 7-10 steals and by “good” I mean bad and not bad as in good.  Too bad Cabrera’s first name doesn’t start with an S, then he can be S-Cab.  Anyway, here’s some other fantasy baseball news:

Scott Podsednik – Signed with the Blue Jays.  Don’t the Jays already have Podsednik but call him Rajai Davis?  Perplexing news to say the least, though saying the least wouldn’t have me saying anything.  Maybe the Jays signed Podsednik because his wife keeps morale up around the clubhouse.  Wokka, wokka, wokka.  Right now, Podsednik will work as a fourth outfielder and will probably see around 400 ABs.  I’m not too concerned about Davis, Snider or Juan Rivera’s playing times.  They all need a rest once in a while and Rivera can’t stay healthy.

Joe Nathan – Threw off the mound yesterday.  He’s sure trying to make me look bad for saying he won’t be ready for the start of the season, that Nathan’s a hot dog.  I’d still be tentative about drafting Nathan and would grab Capps real late as the handcuff.

Kendry Morales – Said that he might not be ready to go on Opening Day because of the rehabilitation for his limp-off homer.  Only thing less surprising than this would be if Morneau announces he has lingering concussion symptoms.  Since pulling a Kotchman started on the Angels, it’s only appropriate that Kendry carries on the tradition.  Seriously, Al Green mended a broken heart quicker than Morales and his stupid leg.  Put on a cast, grab a wire hanger for itching and be done with it.  I didn’t want to draft Morales before, as my top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball shows, this news doesn’t help matters.

Russell Branyan – Signed with the Diamondbacks.  I.e., Brandon Allen can’t get a break and this sure doesn’t help Juan Miranda’s value.  I’ll never understand why a team going nowhere would sign a go-nowhere vet rather than give their youngsters a chance.  Guess that’s why they’re going nowhere.  As for Branyan, if you can platoon him in NL-Only leagues vs. righties, he could get you 20+ homers in 400 ABs.

Joel Hanrahan – Was announced Hanrahanananan would be the closer for the Black & Yellow, Black & Yellow, Black & Yellow over Evan Meek.  Hanrahanananan should be a solid donkeycorn by the time May rolls around.  You can continue to draft Meek, but you might look a little desperate.

After the top 20 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball, guess what we have here?  The top something-something’s? Cute, random italicized voice.  We have the top 40 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball.  That’s right, Wonderful just gave birth to Awesome.  Wanna hear something even awesomier?  I’m going to turn this to 60 then 80.  Hopefully I don’t blow my amp.  The hardest part about writing these 2011 fantasy baseball rankings posts is writing this opening.  Trying to make the clerical stuff sound less clerical, ya know?  Actually, when I point it out, it gets more clerical.  As with other rankings, where I see tiers beginning and ending are mentioned along with my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 40 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball:

21. Jacoby Ellsbury – This is a continuation of the last tier in the top 20 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball.  This tier ends at Tabata.  Jacoby should put the nickname D’Ellsbury behind him and bounce back, but he also might be bouncing back from the bottom of the lineup.  As Rico Petrocelli might say, “That’s a not so nice.”  Be careful to not pay top dollar for SAGNOF.  2011 Projections:  90/7/70/.290/45

22. Brett Gardner – He’s that much worse than Ellsbury?  Rhetorical!  I’ve taken part in 2 1/2 mocks so far — really three, but I was kinda hungover during one, so we’ll say it’s half (actually, I am saying it and I’m not we but whatever)  and Gardner has gone near the end of the draft.  What gives?  Didn’t he have a much better year than Ellsbury?  Sure, Ellsbury can be better, but how much better than Gardner?  Oh, and Gardner don’t take no jive from no Western Union messengers.  2011 Projections:  105/7/55/.270/45

23. Jose Tabata – I kinda love Tabata.  I’m having a hard time separating him from Ellsbury and Gardner when you remove their names and just look at their stats.  Okay, all of their stats but their Runs.  But Ellsbury’s an injury risk and Gardner’s a “Are they playing him and where are they batting him in the order?” risk.  At least we know Tabata will play.  I mean, who else are they going to play?  The Pirates will run him out there every game at the top of the order assuming he’s healthy.  And the Pirates offense could surprise.  There, I said it!  2011 Projections:  90/6/40/.280/40

24. Colby Rasmus – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Stubbs.  I call this tier, “I’m enthused about these guys, but what happened to all of the outfielders that are a lock for big numbers?  Seriously, WTF?”  I enjoy a 25/15 outfielder like Rasmus just as much as the next man, woman or dwarf, but where’s the forty home run outfielders?  Where’s the guys that can go 30/30?  As mentioned before, I wish to implement a rule that allows one position each year to use steroids.  The fans won’t know which position it is and then they can have fun guessing.  This year, I’d let outfielders do the honors.  Oh, and not only is Rasmus iffy for 25/15 but there’s a good chance La Russa poisons his oatmeal.  2011 Projections:  95/25/80/.265/15

25. Jay Bruce – I kinda like how Jay Bruce continues to move up the fantasy rankings each year even though he’s still yet to put up a huge season.  People are just dying to make him a first round draft pick.  He hits 35 homers and steals 10 bases and he’ll be there.  The thing is, he can do it.  Oh, man, I’m just as guilty as anyone.  2011 Projections:  85/32/100/.270/7

26. Mike Stanton – Bill James has Stanton down for 38 homers.  You have to appreciate the crazy fanboy aspect to it.  I picture Bill James cutting articles of Stanton out of magazines while watching Big Love and squealing when Harry Dean Stanton appears.  Stanton IS (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) capable of 38 homers, which does make him exciting, but don’t put it in the bag until it’s paid for.  (Also, went over my 2011 Mike Stanton fantasy already.)  2011 Projections:  70/32/80/.250/7

27. Curtis Granderson – His splits aren’t making the first team cheer squad.  Probably my first ranking that I’m really not comfortable with but what are you gonna do with a potential 25+ homer, 15+ steal guy?  If you own him, you’re probably gonna need a bench outfielder to slot in when Grandy is either on the Yanks bench or just facing a lefty.  Even if you sit him vs. lefties, you’re going to get solid production from him.  2011 Projections:  70/25/80/.260/15

28. Adam Lind – I went over Lind in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball post.  (Note:  He only has 16 games in the outfield.)

29. Grady Sizemore – *Grey shrugs*  That’s me answering your pregunta about whether or not Sizemore will be healthy.  He’ll only be 28 years old for the majority of the 2011 season.  It’s not like he’s old like, say, Carlos Belchran.  Sizemore should have some left in the tank if his gams and mollywhoppers are at a 100%.  If I have one single question mark in the first few rounds of my draft, I wouldn’t touch Sizemore.  If I’m pretty confident with the guys I take up front, then I could see gambling on him.  2011 Projections:  90/18/65/.270/22

30. Drew Stubbs – I already sopped up my Stubbs fantasy with a ShamWow.  I almost put Stubbs up above Victorino in the top 20 outfielders.  Oh em gee, right?  I kinda love him, but like my Native American friends I have some reservations.  If Dusty Baker only gives Stubbs 250 ABs, it wouldn’t surprise me at all.  Why?  Because Dusty’s effin’ loco.  If Stubbs hits .210, it also wouldn’t surprise me.  If Baker’s crazy tendencies and Stubbs’ average break right, Stubbs could be a top ten outfielder.  2011 Projections:  95/18/65/.260/32

31. Corey Hart – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from Hart until Huff.  I call this tier, “You’re paying for a career year and you should avoid these guys unless they fall in drafts.”  Let’s see, Hart’s strikeouts went up, his walks went down and his HR/FB% was abnormal.  Sounds terrific.  Maybe you, Hart and Bautista can have a foursome with 1996 Brady Anderson.  You know you like sideburns.  2011 Projections:  70/21/80/.260/10

32. Vernon Wells – Wells’ year wasn’t exactly a career year.  He’s had better.  But that was a long time ago.  Also, his underlying stats aren’t screaming that he can’t repeat his year.  But II, The Return of But:  he’s way too fragile (hey, he’s Italian!).  I wouldn’t draft Wells with your team.  Ain’t worth the headache.  Oh, and the move to the Angels does nothing to his value.  2011 Projections:  60/21/70/.280/5

33. Ben Zobrist – Zobrist also didn’t have a career year last year.  You’re paying for his 2009 career year.  Zobrist’s projections can be found at the top 20 2nd basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.  Go there, Google translate it to French and learn a new language.

34. Aubrey Huff – I’m guessing Huff’s projections are in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.  WILD F**KING GUESS!!!  Sorry, lost my shizz there for a second.

35. Torii Hunter – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Lee. I call this tier, “Old is as old does.”  If you draft any of the guys in this tier, you might be over the age of fifty and started your draft prep an hour before your draft.  Hey, I’m not judging.  Cust kayin’.  For those who like word puzzles –> Are E: Double I: Eh.  Hunter’ll get you 18-22 homers and 8-12 steals.  Best thing you can hope for is a hot April and you flip him on May 1st for a slow starting Alexei Ramirez.  2011 Projections:  70/20/85/.280/10

36. Carlos Beltran – Some extra risk involved with this schmohawk but he’ll probably put up the same numbers as Torii Hunter.  That’s more an indictment of Hunter than anything.  Or maybe it’s indicting both on charges of name value meaning more than actual value.  2011 Projections:  75/20/85/.270/10

36 1/2. Vladimir Guerrero – He gets a half because he won’t have outfield eligibility in all leagues. (Only 19 games.  Just missing for ESPN, CBS and leagues that require players to have two knees.)  I think Vlad can be productive again when he’s healthy.  Just don’t know if I’d count on him playing in another 150+ games like last year.  DH, or no DH.  2011 Projections:  75/25/90/.295/5

37. Manny Ramirez – I don’t believe he has 30 homers left in his bat over the course of a full season.  He shouldn’t kill you in the other categories when he’s on the field.  Basically, Nick Swisher with a better average and more interesting hair.  The move to the Rays does nothing to his value, unless he hears where he has to play home games, tries to squeeze himself into an orange juice carton and hurts himself. 2011 Projections:  75/22/85/.300

38. Bobby Abreu – If you think this last tier and a half is boring as dog balls, the top 60 outfielders post is better.  You have my guarantee!  If not, I will refund your money!* (*Offer only good if you didn’t pay any money to me and I don’t have to refund you anything.)  2011 Projections:  80/15/70/.280/17

39. Nick Swisher – He was crazy lucky with his balls batted into play so he just started swinging at everything within ten inches of the plate.  The amount of balls he swung at outside the strike zone went from 17.3% in 2009 to 25.7% last year.  A really terrible sign, but assuming Swish finds his old plate discipline he should be fine.  If he doesn’t, he might hit .220.  2011 Projections:  80/27/90/.250

40. Carlos Lee – Went over Carlos Lee’s projections in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.

40 1/8. Juan Pierre – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of this post.  I call this tier, “SAGNOF!”  As for Pierre, see tier name for further explanation.  BTW, Juan Pierre promised to hit his one homer this year on your birthday.  2011 Projections:  85/1/35/.300/50

40 1/4. Peter Bourjos – I have a Bourjos sleeper post already written, but haven’t posted it yet.  See ya this afternoon!  2011 Projections:  70/10/55/.255/30

40 1/2. Michael Bourn – I had a dream where Michael Bourn was drafting a fantasy team and his outfield consisted of Nyjer Morgan, Juan Pierre and himself.  Oh, Michael.  2011 Projections:  80/3/40/.265/45

40 3/4. Nyjer Morgan – Nyjer Morgan had a similar dream but he drafted the girl from Precious, Oprah and Camryn Manheim.  Oh, Nyjer!  2011 Projections:  70/2/30/.260/40

40 7/8. Austin Jackson – Not exactly straight SAGNOF if that’s what you’re into sniffing, but Jackson’s also due for a regression on last year’s average and he doesn’t give that much more than steals.  You say tomato, I say the same but with a different emphasis.  2011 Projections:  85/5/40/.265/30

40 7/8 and a half. Rajai Davis – Um, steals?  2011 Projections:  70/4/35/.290/40

40 7/8 and seven-eighths. Scott Podsednik – If there’s a “Ballplayer’s Wife Is Hot” category in your league, you might want to reach for Podsednik.  2011 Projections:  60/3/25/.290/30

With the top 40 outfielders, we’ve finished all the hitter recaps.  We meaning me, but I’ll include you.  No, that’s not a cue to try to hold my hand.  (Here’s all the final 2010 fantasy baseball rankings.  They’re also to your left… your other left.  And down.)  The pitching recap will begin next.  To recap, the end of the season rankings are based on ESPN’s Player Rater.  I felt the easiest way to keep it objective would to go this course.  This way when I say someone finished 30th and I ranked them 23rd in the preseason it carries more weight.  Does this mean I think ESPN’s Player Rater is perfect?  No.  It’s just an objective third party to see how well my preseason rankings did.  Anyway, here’s the top 40 outfielders for 2010 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

21. Nelson Cruz – I’d argue, as I’m about to do, that Cruz was actually more valuable than his ranking here if you played in a shallow enough league where you were able to reasonably replace him every time he got hurt.  Say Cruz and a hot couple of weeks from Coco Crisp and you were snap, crack and poppin’.  Preseason Rank #17, 2010 Projections:  80/32/95/.275/15, Final Numbers:  60/22/78/.318/17

22. Delmon Young – I’m actually a bit worried about Young for next year, but I guess I’ll leave that to January.  For this year, Young almost reached his potential.  His numbers look like a poor man’s Holliday, which isn’t bad.  He has a little bit of everything, except RBIs, where he excelled, but RBIs are really hard to count on.  Preseason Rank #63, 2010 Projections:  55/17/75/.290/7, Final Numbers:  77/21/112/.298/5

23. Drew Stubbs – He had one of those top 40 outfielder seasons where he went from being a must-own to a must-bench to a must-drop.  Some absolutely brutal stretches — June, 2 homers and a .230 average; April, 1 homer and a .186 average.  Finally, I’m not sure where the power has come from.  In his last full season at Triple-A, he hit 3 homers in 472 plate appearances.  Hit 7 homers in 548 PAs in 2008.  In his short time in the majors, he’s averaging 16.4% HR/FB, blowing his minor league numbers away.  Preseason Rank #49, 2010 Projections:  80/7/50/.255/35, Final Numbers:  91/22/77/.255/30

24. Shane Victorino – 18 homers was very nice from a guy who can steal 35 bases.  His HR/FB% was a bit high for him so it’s probably only a one year boost in power, but the amount of fly balls compared to last year makes it seem like he was going for the fences a bit more.  Also explains the dip in average, along with some unluckiness.  Preseason Rank #22, 2010 Projections:  75/12/85/.290/30, Final Numbers:  84/18/69/.259/34

25. Nick Swisher – Went over him in top 20 1st basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball post.

26. B.J. Upton – I’m unabashedly a fan, if unabashedly means what I think it does.  Crawford ranked number 2 overall for outfielders and the only thing separating him from Upton is a lucky average year.  If Upton hits .280, his Runs will go up because Buddy Holly will leave him at the top of the order.  He’ll get on base more for more steals and he’ll be a top 5 outfielder.  Unabashedly!  Preseason Rank #10, 2010 Projections:  90/14/65/.275/40, Final Numbers:  89/18/62/.237/42

27. Michael Bourn – Bourn masturbates to pictures of Juan Pierre.  Preseason Rank #40, 2010 Projections:  100/4/40/.270/55, Final Numbers:  84/2/38/.265/52

28. Scott Podsednik – Turned in a Juan Pierre, in the non-French way, season.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  63/6/51/.297/35

29. Adam Dunn – Went over him in top 20 1st basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball post.

30. Vernon Wells – I’ll admit to staying stubborn thinking there was no way he was putting together the season he did, but after 3 straight sub-par years Color Me Surprised he did do what he did, dude.  Who knew everyone on the 1927 Blue Jays would hit so many homers?  Preseason Unranked, 2010 Projections:  65/17/75/.265/10, Final Numbers:  79/31/88/.273/6

31. Austin Jackson – At some point in December, MLB is going to disallow 15 of Jackson’s lucky hits and knock his average down to .275.  Watch!  Preseason Rank #75, 2010 Projections:  85/5/50/.275/22, Final Numbers:  103/4/41/.293/27

32. Matt Kemp – I really thought 2010 was going to be the breakout Kemp season that we’re due.  Now, unfortunately, we’re overdue.  In fairness — though I’m not sure why I’m being fair to this guy — Kemp had the worst season he could possibly have and still had a top 40 outfielder season.  I’m warning you now, I’m going to be a sucker for a certain 30/30 potential, 26-year-old next year too.  Preseason Rank #2, 2010 Projections:  100/30/110/.305/32, Final Numbers:  82/28/89/.249/19

33. Torii Hunter – I have two words for you for what Hunter is going to do next year, Carloslee Thisyear.  Preseason Rank #29, 2010 Projections:  75/23/85/.275/17, Final Numbers:  76/23/90/.281/9

34. Bobby Abreu – For this piece of under-performance art, I’m going to give you 20/20 but lose the average.  Next year, the power and speed will be gone.  Finally, I’ll be a bench player until I retire.  I call this, “The Piecemeal Collapse of Bobby Abreu.”  Preseason Rank #21, 2010 Projections:  95/15/100/.300/20, Final Numbers:  88/20/78/.255/24

35. Andres Torres – I had love for Torres this year like he was Mondo from Project Runway.  Was one of those guys that had no business producing as well as he did, yet his hot streak seemed to last forever until he got aufed by his appendix.  Then he returned from his emergency appendectomy and produced again.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  84/16/63/.268/26

36. Colby Rasmus – I ended 2009 with a Colby Rasmus sleeper post, then reminded everyone in the outfielders to target post in March.  Finally, when I had enough, I told you to sell him mid-June.  In the 3 months before the sell, 16 homers, 9 steals.  3 months after that post, 7 homers and 3 steals.  Yeah, it’s like that.  Preseason Rank #47, 2010 Projections:  85/17/65/.265/14, Final Numbers:  85/23/66/.276/12

37. Andre Ethier – I really think Ethier pays off someone over at the WWL to get ranked this high on their Player Rater.  He had 23 homers and 2 steals.  Really?  Really?!  Preseason Rank #15, 2010 Projections:  80/24/95/.285/7, Final Numbers:  71/23/82/.292/2

38. Jay Bruce – I gave you a little love with the Jay Bruce sleeper post and ranked him high compared to most.  Not all though.  Someone named Bill James predicted Bruce would get 38 homers and 10 steals.  Maybe he thought he was Chris Davis.  Preseason Rank #36, 2010 Projections:  85/30/100/.295/15, Final Numbers:  80/25/70/.281/5

39. Justin Upton – Not gonna lie, this was a disappointing season for Upton.  There’s really not much positive to take away from it.  He didn’t have any extended hot stretches to carry your team and practically abandoned your team late-June.  His post-All-Star break numbers were 3 homers and 6 steals.  That’s a nice week… For Mike Aviles!  Now Justin finds out he’s a carrier of the Upton bad shoulder gene.  Can we pretend like 2010 never happened for J-Upside?  Please and thank you.  Preseason Rank #7, 2010 Projections:  80/27/95/.290/20, Final Numbers:  73/17/69/.273/17

40. Jason Heyward – The mollywhopping, 1930s matinee idol surname having, Frank Thomas gams possessing, love child of Hank Aaron and a Yeti, Jason Heyward produced numbers above where I thought he’d be.  Not far above, but above.  And he missed time on the DL.  Hello, sexy.  (Here’s my Jason Heyward 2011 fantasy baseball, um, fantasy.) Preseason Rank #73, 2010 Projections:  65/12/70/.290/20, Final Numbers:  83/18/72/.277/11

Yesterday, Ozzie Guillen said, “Bobby’s not my closer right now, he’s not, I’m very happy with Chris Sale.  I’m not saying (Jenks has) lost his job, I have to wait to see to put him in the game to see how he’s doing… It might take a little while, maybe one day, two days, three days… a week.  Unless I find out Chris Sale is Asian, then I’m gonna make him work for it.”  The last line was inferred.  Sale’s been lights out since his call up — 0.57 ERA in 15 2/3 IP with 21 Ks.  The manager says he’s the closer, so I’m gonna say Sale’s the closer.  It’s obviously not as easy as that when Ozzie’s involved.  The wind could change directions, Ozzie’s weather vane that’s labeled with Putz, Jenks, Thornton and Sale could spin and someone else could be the closer by tomorrow.  As of right now, I’d grab Sale.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jimmy Rollins – Sounds like he’s done for the regular season, or at least until very close to the end of the year.  Rollins said, “Studies show, even if it’s a mild hamstring, even though the doctors like to say 7-to-10 days, it’s usually three weeks.”  Studies, yeah.  Studies of Jimmy Rollins.

Cole Hamels – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 13 Ks.  Hamels probably hasn’t gotten the recognition this year because of the low win total, but he has 201 Ks in 194 2/3 IP, 1.16 WHIP and a 3.01 ERA.  That’s nothing to sneeze at unless you’re allergic to number one fantasy starters.

Albert Pujols – Apparently, there’s no DL in September but there is day-to-day after a cortisone shot to the elbow.  He’ll probably be back today as his elbow told reporters, “Imma let Albert finish.”

Adam Wainwright – 8 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He probably could’ve picked a better time to use my H2H team for toilet paper.

Hideki Matsui – 2-for-4 as he continues his hot hitting.  At any moment, the Sciosciapath in the Angels dugout could bench a hot hitter, but I’d give Matsui a chance if you need some pop.

Mark Teixeira – Has been playing on a broken pinky toe since the end of August.  Guess that explains why he had his stats kick me in the nads.

Mariano Rivera – How does he have a 1.33 ERA and only 30 saves?  Seriously, dubya tee eff.

Josh Hamilton – Ain’t much of a limb at this point, but Hamilton’s owners will be lucky to see him play another 5 games this season.  And, even in those games, I wouldn’t be surprised to see him get pulled early.  Rangers have no reason to push him and won’t.

Shelley Duncan – Smashed two homers and 24 forearms.

Michael Brantley – 2-for-4 and has now hit in every game this month and only took four oh-fers in August.  Cust kayin’.

Daniel Hudson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  If you haven’t heard, the Diamondbacks might move the fences or build a humidor in the offseason.  So let me guess, Hudson’s gonna be on all of my teams next year?  Don’t mind if I do!

Brian Matusz – Says he won’t miss his next start.  Sure, why would the O’s rest one of their prized prospects with a sore tricep on his pitching arm?  They’re going after a 100 losses.

Nick Markakis – Nick Bupkis hit his 10th homer yesterday.  10 homers, Markakis?  Really?  You suckakis.

Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks and is now shutdown for the year.  Too bad, so sad.

Travis Snider – Him and his .289 OBP hit lead off yesterday.  In related news, check Cito Gaston for a pulse.

Scott Podsednik – Out for the year with plantar fasciitis, which only sounds like something Mr. Peanut would get.

Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks and the win with the Dodgers mustering only one hit and no RBIs.  Did the McCourt judge freeze all their assets, including the Dodger bats?

Matt Garza – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  One day, I’m going to run into Garza.  This season will be in the books.  This start will long be a memory.  And I’m going to punch Garza in the mouth.

Gio Gonzalez – 2 IP, 7 ER.  It sure rides like a Gio.

Mike Aviles – Now has back-to-back games with a homer and is hitting over .350 in the last week.  Has good position eligibility for those hurting at MI.

Wilson Betemit – 3-for-5 with his 11th homer in 227 ABs while batting .313.  Not a flashy name, but is currently hitting near .350 in the last week.  Sing it, Vedder, “Can’t find a Betemit…”

Chone Figgins – 4-for-4 with his 39th steal.  I have one thing to say about this stunod.  Even if he gets his average up to .270 on the year with 40+ steals, the first five months are not excused.

Jed Lowrie – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  After the game, he removed his face to reveal Dustin Pedroia.

David Murphy – 3-for-5 with his 10th homer.  He also has 12 steals and is batting .288.  He’s like a destitute man’s CarGo.  That’s actually a compliment.

Chris Johnson – He took a steam for about two weeks after being hot for over a month.  Now, he’s hitting again.  Has 3 homers in the last 8 days and is batting *holds hand over mouth while speaking* …Okay, so he’s not hitting for a great average, but he’s hitting homers.

Bud Norris – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  It’ll be between Daniel Hudson and Norris as to who will be my fifth starter on every team next year like Jonathan Sanchez was this year.

Brandon Lyon – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  This is coming a day after Lindstrom got a save and two games after Lyon gave up two runs.

Ryan Braun – 2-for-4 with his 21st homer.  C’mon, Braun, save face and at least hit more homers than McGehee this year.

R.A. Dickey – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He’s only at 50% owned.  He’s at a 2.80 ERA on the year.  I know, I had hesitation about picking up a knuckleballer too, but you’re a little slow on the uptake at this point, no?  Give him a shot already.  As someone once said, “The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph.”

Carlos Beltran – Hit his 4th homer yesterday to go along with his 3 steals (not in yesterday’s game, though that wouldn’t be a record).  He’s also hitting .236.  Aren’t you glad you drafted him?  He’s really paying off your patience.  Oh, who am I kidding, anyone who drafted Beltran isn’t reading this.  They’ve moved onto fantasy football.

Francisco Rodriguez – Charged with criminal contempt in addition to the assault charges.  New charges stem from 56 text messages K-Rod sent his girlfriend.  I skimmed through the texts and here’s a few of the better ones.  First text, “If I text you, will you press charges?”  Second text, “You get my first text?”  17th text, “Can you believe Omar Minaya traded away Heath Bell and signed me?  Even I find that funny.”  23rd text, “I love pistachios.  That is all.”  31st text, “I forget, did you sign me up for unlimited texting?”  45th text, “Where do you buy a meat dress?  A fashion designer or a butcher?”

I just want to put it out there, I love Eric Young Jr. I have a plan in place to have Prince Fielder have a long discussion Eric Young Jr. about nogoodnik fathers and step in as EY Jr.’s surrogate.  We will vacation in Orlando and try faux exotic foods at Epcot, like Greek and Spanish.  When Eric Young Jr. Jr. needs someone to go to the PTA meetings, I will be there.  When Erica Young needs a date to a cousin’s wedding or something, the tux will be rented, the corsage will be picked from a neighbor’s yard and the Drakkar will be spritzed.  I will be Sandra Bullock and Eric Young will be my very own Michael Oher.  (BTW, I liked The Blind Side better when it was called Diff’rent Strokes.)  And if that doesn’t all work out as planned, I’ll own him in fantasy for steals.  Don’t you people need some MI speed?  Own him.  Now.  Chop-chop.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week:

BUY

Jose Tabata – I mentioned to Rudy I was going to do a Buy lead-in with Jose Tabata and he said, “That’s about as dated as your mustache.”  But, Rudy, he’s hitting near-.500 over the last week with steals and a little pop and he’s only owned in 23% of ESPN leagues.  Rudy, “You running for President of the Jose Tabata Fan Club?”  Yes, yes I am.

Cameron Maybin – Who knew I’d recommend him?  Show of hands.  Okay, you can put your hands down now.  “Teach, I just want to go to the bathroom.”

Scott Podsednik – Manny’s about to exit stage left and Pods will get playing time again.  SAGNOF!

Marcus Thames – The Yankees have about 6 of these interchangeable DH-types.  Continued in the next blurb…

Austin Kearns – Number two of interchangeable Yankee DHs.  You can’t own either (or both, for that matter) without having an extra bench bat.  They don’t play every day, but when they do play they can give you HRs and RBIs.

Koji Uehara – Now for the SAGNOF portion of our program.

Evan Meek – I wouldn’t go two deep for saves in Pittsburgh unless I were in a dogfight for points in the saves category.  Meek and Hanrahananananan may only get a total of 4 saves between them in the whole month of September.

Hisanori Takahashi – Confirmed closer for the Mets, should be owned in every league.  Au Bon Japan!

Ivan Nova – With Javy Vazquez moving to the bullpen until TBA, Nova moves into the rotation until TBA.  Nova had more than an adequate time in Triple-A this year (2.86 ERA, 1.26 WHIP, 7+ K/9).  On the Yankees he should be serviceable and get some Wins, but there’s always a chance he drops something in your drink and you wake up walking like you were just jumping hurdles.

Jordan Zimmermann – The pitch count restrictions worry me a bit with Zimmermann.  Do you need a starter to go 5 IP and give up 2 ER and walk away with a no-decision?  I don’t.  I have plenty of those guys on my staff.  Though Zimmermann is a must own in deep keepers.

Bud Norris – Just went over my Bud Norris fantasy.  If you click that link, it magically transports the post back a few days.  It’s like a time machine for words.

Daniel Hudson – Stop me if you’ve heard me tout him–

Kila Ka’aihue – Big Time Masher, Poi!  The Good Eyein’ Hawaiian!  Mauna Kila!  Choose your own nickname, and grab him if you’re hurting at corner infidel.

Mike Moustakas – He appeared in the 2010 September call-ups post.  There I said, “Has a cool… …gyro recipe… …and a picture of …Mr. Bungles… Keep effing that chicken…”  Hmm… Could’ve pulled a more coherent quote.

Dustin Ackley – Also, appeared in that September call-ups post.  I’m not very high on Ackley right now, but he should be owned in AL-Only and keeper leagues at this point.

Todd Helton – Trying to find something positive to say about him…  Dang, whatever.  He’s hitting, that’s all I got.

Juan Uribe – He gets absurdly hot at times and he’s coming off two straight games with a homer.  Since he has shortstop eligibility, he probably should be owned anyway.

Jhonny Peralta – I’ll probably write an entire post about this.  For now, shorthand.  It’s practically September.  You can’t hold underperforming guys and let hot hitters sit on waivers.  Is Silent H a great player?  Nope, but he’s hot.

Stephen Drew – Has 7 homers in August.  That’s two off the major league lead in homers for this month.  That’s one more homer than Tulo and Holliday combined.

Ryan Raburn – I told you to pick him up in the July 30th Buy/Sell.  This is the fourth week in a row I’ve told you to pick him up.  Do you hear me?!  Don’t make me come back there!

SELL

Mike Stanton – Drop him, he looks like the K’ing of Wishful Swings right now.  Obviously you ignore said advice in keepers.

James Loney – Has 8 homers and 9 steals with a .277 average on the year.  That’s not a 1st baseman; that’s a middle infielder.  Ian Desmond’s beating those numbers.  You own this guy?

Nick Markakis – I think I’ve already mentioned dropping him, but here he is again because I hate him and his stupid face.  You thought Loney’s season numbers were bad; check out Markakis.  8 homers and 6 steals with a .287 average.  It’s an impostor in his body — Dick Fartakis.

Stephen Strasburg – The pitcher whose stuff is so inspirational that both his first and last names start with St. looks like he’ll be martyring his 2011 season.  Evidently he’s mortal because he needs Dr. Freeze to save his ulnar collateral ligament.  Yup, the dreaded Tommy John surgery.  If you have him in a keeper league, put on some Sting, shed the necessary tears for the pitcher you love, and then set him free.  But try to snag him for a low bid next year’s draft so you can get keeper rights for 2012.