Kendrys Morales is out for another 6 months with surgery to remove scar tissue. Who was the first surgeon to operate on him? Dr. Nick Riviera? Hey, boys and three girls! Bummer for the Los Angeles Angels of Not Los Angeles County…I mean, hello, Trumbo. Giddy up, snitches! The Sciosciapath has to play Trumbo now, right? I mean, probably. Can’t put anything over on that sly fox. And by ‘sly,’ I mean dumb. And by ‘fox,’ I mean not a fox. If you’re hurting for a corner man, this should be all the incentive you need to sound the Trumbo. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Grady Sizemore – It’s the return of Wounded Knee. Sizemore went for an MRI for his knee pain. In other news, water is wet, taco diarrhea burns and astronaut ice cream is delicious. If you own Sizemore, consider therapy to find out why you keep trying to hurt yourself with your life choices. “Why’s everyone in my living room? I was just going to move Sizemore to my bench.” “Billy, have you thought about trading Sizemore for a pitcher?” “No! He makes me feel special! I hate all of you!” “Why can’t you just do crank like your brother?!” That’s you on the show Intervention when your family confronts you about your fantasy draft choices. Now Sizemore’s MRI says (yes, the MRI talks) his knee is fine. Right. So let him play a few days, then you trade him. He’s not going to run this year, so what do you have with Grady? You have Beltran, Jason Kubel or a host of other some power, no speed outfielders. You don’t have the 30/30 Sizemore of yesteryear (2008). Please, blog, may I have some more?
Orlando Cabrera taxied into Cleveland yesterday. Does Cleveland’s middle infield of Orlando and Asdrubal remind anyone else of an embarrassing moment at Epcot that I blamed on a 5-year-old? Probably just me. Hopefully not too many mixed leaguers are doing handstands over this news. Orlando Cabrera is good for 7-10 homers and 7-10 steals and by “good” I mean bad and not bad as in good. Too bad Cabrera’s first name doesn’t start with an S, then he can be S-Cab. Anyway, here’s some other fantasy baseball news:
Scott Podsednik – Signed with the Blue Jays. Don’t the Jays already have Podsednik but call him Rajai Davis? Perplexing news to say the least, though saying the least wouldn’t have me saying anything. Maybe the Jays signed Podsednik because his wife keeps morale up around the clubhouse. Wokka, wokka, wokka. Right now, Podsednik will work as a fourth outfielder and will probably see around 400 ABs. I’m not too concerned about Davis, Snider or Juan Rivera’s playing times. They all need a rest once in a while and Rivera can’t stay healthy. Please, blog, may I have some more?
After the top 20 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball, guess what we have here? The top something-something’s? Cute, random italicized voice. We have the top 40 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball. That’s right, Wonderful just gave birth to Awesome. Wanna hear something even awesomier? I’m going to turn this to 60 then 80. Hopefully I don’t blow my amp. The hardest part about writing these 2011 fantasy baseball rankings posts is writing this opening. Trying to make the clerical stuff sound less clerical, ya know? Actually, when I point it out, it gets more clerical. As with other rankings, where I see tiers beginning and ending are mentioned along with my projections. Anyway, here’s the top 40 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball:
21. Please, blog, may I have some more?
With the top 40 outfielders, we’ve finished all the hitter recaps. We meaning me, but I’ll include you. No, that’s not a cue to try to hold my hand. (Here’s all the final 2010 fantasy baseball rankings. They’re also to your left… your other left. And down.) The pitching recap will begin next. To recap, the end of the season rankings are based on ESPN’s Player Rater. I felt the easiest way to keep it objective would to go this course. This way when I say someone finished 30th and I ranked them 23rd in the preseason it carries more weight. Does this mean I think ESPN’s Player Rater is perfect? No. It’s just an objective third party to see how well my preseason rankings did. Anyway, here’s the top 40 outfielders for 2010 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:
21. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Ozzie Guillen said, “Bobby’s not my closer right now, he’s not, I’m very happy with Chris Sale. I’m not saying (Jenks has) lost his job, I have to wait to see to put him in the game to see how he’s doing… It might take a little while, maybe one day, two days, three days… a week. Unless I find out Chris Sale is Asian, then I’m gonna make him work for it.” The last line was inferred. Sale’s been lights out since his call up — 0.57 ERA in 15 2/3 IP with 21 Ks. The manager says he’s the closer, so I’m gonna say Sale’s the closer. It’s obviously not as easy as that when Ozzie’s involved. The wind could change directions, Ozzie’s weather vane that’s labeled with Putz, Jenks, Thornton and Sale could spin and someone else could be the closer by tomorrow. As of right now, I’d grab Sale. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jimmy Rollins – Sounds like he’s done for the regular season, or at least until very close to the end of the year. Rollins said, “Studies show, even if it’s a mild hamstring, even though the doctors like to say 7-to-10 days, it’s usually three weeks.” Studies, yeah. Studies of Jimmy Rollins. Please, blog, may I have some more?
I just want to put it out there, I love Eric Young Jr. I have a plan in place to have Prince Fielder have a long discussion Eric Young Jr. about nogoodnik fathers and step in as EY Jr.’s surrogate. We will vacation in Orlando and try faux exotic foods at Epcot, like Greek and Spanish. When Eric Young Jr. Please, blog, may I have some more?
The longest journey begins with a single step then, of course, an oblique injury. Can we get a team of crack scientists working on a cure for the obliques? The other day someone asked me for money for Doctors Without Borders so they could help people in The Congo. Why isn’t there a guy in front of Whole Foods asking me to donate to find a cure for Jose Reyes‘ oblique? It might be an everyday item that could fix this. Maybe a steady diet of cucumbers is all he needs. How do we know if no one’s doing the leg work? Film a PSA with Chipper Jones and Julie Andrews and show that shizz before movies. We need money to stop the spread of oblique injuries. Now! The Mets are saying Jose Reyes’ newest flare up is mild. They said the same stupid thing with their same stupid mouths two months ago when he missed three weeks. I’m hoping for the best; I’m expecting the worst. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jon Niese – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. I’m probably give him more of a benefit of the doubt than maybe I should, but Niese was done in by a bloop ground rule double that was barely fair and Dessens allowing inherited runners to score. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Scott Podsednik traded to the Dodgers. Call ‘em The Podsgers! Should be convenient for his wife — much closer to the Playboy mansion. Or so I read in an article in Playboy about Playboy while not looking at the pictures. So Pods comes to L.A. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Dan Haren was traded to the Angels for a terrible pitcher and some prospects. On a real baseball note, the Diamondhacks got had like they were taking cards from Ricky Jay. I think the desert sun’s baked their brains. To make a deal in the major leagues, you see what the Yankees will give you then you dangle that deal in front of all other clubs. Please, blog, may I have some more?
There’s talk that the M’s might punt their closer, just not in the same way the O’s have. They’re talking about trading David Aardsma. Member when the M’s were going to be a contender? That was a fun two weeks in March. We were younger, you and I (hey!). You had more hair (hey-oh!). Doesn’t it seem like every year the pundits latch their unrealistic expectations on a team? Member when the Royals were going to win it all in 2009? My prediction for March darling to June dud team of 2011? The Nationals. But they have Strasburg and Zimmerman! Yeah, and John Lannan and that doode you don’t know who plays every other position. So, Brandon League would take over the job if Aardsma is moved. I grabbed League where I could because, well, I’m a save vulture, swooping down on closer carcasses any chance I get. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jarrett Hoffpauir – Was called up by the Blue Kays. He was hitting the ball around pretty good in Las Vegas (in 259 plate appearances, only struckout 15 times and hit 9 long balls). But what happens in Vegas, well, you know. Right now, I don’t think our neighbor to the north gives Hoffpauir every day duty (hehe, that sounds like doodie). I think they move Fred Lewis into the lineup and start Bautista at 3rd base in Edwin Encarnacion’s vacated turd hole he was filling. Hoffpauir’s worth a lookie-see in AL-Only leagues, since he has 2nd base eligibility in ESPN leagues. Please, blog, may I have some more?