Fantasy Baseball Advice

Ernesto Frieri got the save yesterday in the 11th inning, but Downs came on in the 9th in a tie game.  On one hand, teams hold back their closer in a tie game in away games, in case they get the lead.  On the other hand, sometimes whoever pitches the ninth is the closer.  On a third lesser known hand that is actually a mitten on a doorknob, maybe Downs just came in to face two lefties and stayed in for Gomes.  On a fourth lesser known hand that is actually a hand spraypainted onto a dolphin, there is no fourth lesser known hand spraypainted onto a dolphin; c’mon, man, that’s just cruel.  On a fifth lesser known hand that is actually a giant hand-shaped pinata, The Sciosciapath is managing all of this, so if he sees Frieri get the save, Frieri could be the man.  If Frieri is out there, I’d grab him.  I still think Downs is in the mix.  Walden’s droppable outside of deep leagues.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Marco Estrada – To the DL with a right hip flexor injury.  Chubby Checker just shuddered.

Jonathon Lucroy – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer.  If Lucroy’s a New Orleans name, I’m drinking the Bourbon!  If Lucroy’s a French name, I’m kissing his momma cause I like cougars!  If Lucroy is short for Lucuriousgeorge, then call me a monkey!  Oh, and I like Lucroy.

Jarrod Parker – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, to lower his ERA to 3.38.  Sure, he was facing a struggling offensive team in a hitter’s park… But other than the Rangers, that’s his entire division.

Jonathon Niese – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  On Tuesday, the Pirates were beat by Dickey, and the day before they beat Johan (though those seem reversed in more than one way).  Yesterday, the Pirates lost by a nose.  If you throw out The Nose’s two worst starts, he has a 2-something ERA.  What’s that, you can’t throw out those starts?  Tell your leaguemates fiddle faddle, I gave you permission.  In the preseason, I liked Niese, and still do.  Solid Ks, and looks like a number five to six fantasy starter.  Then from the side, he looks like a 2.  Get another nose job, man!

Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games.  Better hang onto your hatwitzki, Tulo’s about to take his owners for a ride of about 15 homers in the next month, which will end in a 15-day DL stint.

Ricky Romero – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks in Tampa Bay.  Hopefully, he does better when he returns on June 2nd.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, tying Ryan Zimmerman’s last two years combined.  I will now take Morpheus’s blue pill.

Kevin Millwood – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks to lower his ERA to 3.72.  On April 12th, I compared Millwood to Bartolo, saying, “You know Bartolo Colon with his sneaky 4-ish ERA in a pitchers’ park?  That’s Millwood.  I call them AL-Only guys that you don’t want to own, but someone’s got to.  I never said it was pithy.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Going into yesterday’s game, Millwood had a 4.17 ERA; Colon had 4.09.  Colon has 38 Ks, Millwood has 37.  Colon’s WHIP 1.28; Millwood’s 1.29.  For my next trick, I will pull Ryan Zimmerman’s head out of his ass.

Todd Frazier – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer.  He hadn’t done anything since his 2 homer game, so I dropped Frazier and didn’t even say cheers, but I still like him as a corner man for power in deep leagues if you can handle the low average.

Daniel Bard – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks.  I wouldn’t own Bard outside of AL-Only leagues.  Grey Albright:  The Chancellor of the Enthusiasm Chequer.

Daniel Nava – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer.  He’s worth picking up, but he’s nothing but a hot schmotato.  Sorry, I’m a non-beNava’r.  Ouch!  Sorry, just hurt myself trying to squeeze that one in.

Alfredo Aceves – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, his 11th save while lowering his ERA to 4.15.  Some of his owners who dropped him after his horrendous April are screaming, “‘Fredo, you betrayed me!”

Scott Podsednik – 2-for-3 with a homer.  I know exactly how the Red Sox feel today.  Last week I picked up Brian Dozier and that day he hit a home run.  Yay!  Then he went 0-for-a-week.  Don’t revel in it, Red Sox, it wears off.

Nick Johnson – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Or 3 homers by Scott Podsednick Johnson, if you play in a Sniglet league.

Xavier Avery – 2-for-5 with a steal.  I’m guessing Xavery is gonna be in Friday’s Buy/Sell.  We’ll have to wait to see what Pre-Holiday Weekend Grey’s got in store.

Matt Wieters – 0-for-1 as he sat out.  His average is down to .238.  Yikes, someone call The Roto Rooter Man, Wieters’s doodie has clogged up my roto teams.

Andy Pettitte – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Andy’s having a much better time over the last few weeks than his former comroidre.  I wonder if they video chat.  “Roger?” “Please call me Rocket.”  And they talk about needles and shizz.  On a side note, I was talking to a friend yesterday and her roommate, who is a guy, was video chatting with another dude.  Is that gay?  There’s nothing wrong with it, if it is.  But is it?  I mean, I don’t need to see my guy friends even when they’re in the same room as me.  Matter of fact, I prefer it that way.  Talk to me while you watch TV; we are all good.  And…tangent!  So, Pettitte’s been better than I expected since his return.  He’s also faced the Reds (terrible vs. lefties), the Royals and the M’s.  The Royals aren’t hideous, but I still don’t trust him.  His ballpark isn’t good, his division’s tough and he wasn’t even any good when he retired.  Now he’s good?  I ain’t buying in mixed leagues.

Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Now, A-Rod is definitely a guy-on-guy video chatter.

Brett Gardner – Had a setback with his elbow and won’t hit off a tee until Monday.  How’d this go from a minor 15-day DL stint to we’re probably not seeing him for two months total?  Jesus Monterochrist!

Eric Hosmer – 3-for-4 and a steal (which is actually impressive vs. Pettitte).  This proves my theory.  All some players need is me berating them.  Now, get it, Hosmer.  Get it!

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks.  We ended our month and a half torrid relationship yesterday.  I might’ve been so annoyed with Big Z, that I dumped Lynn, but I don’t regret it.  With 11 baserunners, he was lucky to only give up 3 earned.  If you don’t have better options on waivers, I’d bench him for his next start.

Carlos Beltran – Hit his 14th homer yesterday.  Ten more than Pujols.  Cust crazy.

Drew Sutton – 2-for-4 with 2 RBIs as he hit cleanup.  After the game, Maddon was asked what he’s thinking with the lineup card.  He said, “When I think Drew Sutton, I think Don Sutton.  When I think Don Sutton, I picture how his afro was so beautifully salt-and-pepper.  When I think salt-and-pepper, I think about mashed potatoes.  When I think about mashed potatoes, I think of the mess I make when I start mashing.  When I think of that mess from mashing, I think of the cleanup.  So when I think of Drew Sutton, I think of mashing at cleanup.”  When asked why Carlos Pena at leadoff, he replied, “Good OBP.”

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks.  If Shields was in the NL, I’d be on him like white on the albino kid who was in my 10th grade homeroom.  He seared his image on my retinas!  Does my bias against Shields make any sense, i.e., is he terrible against his AL East opponents?  Nah.  But at least I admit when I’m sitting on a bias angle.

Will Venable – 3-for-5 and a triple short of a cycle.  He was this week’s Creeper.

Carlos Zambrano – 5 IP, 7 ER.  Was he due for a blow up or is it because I picked him up for this start?  Probably the latter.  FMFBBL.

Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Nats.  After the game, Hamels said he wanted to teach Bryce Harper basic math so he let him go 1-for-3.  Figure out your batting average now, punk!

Chris Sale – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (2 hits), 6 Ks vs. the Twins.  Luckily, that closer experiment only lasted 36 hours and his elbow problems only lasted 72 hours.  I’m not joking when I say sometimes I think I know too much.  Say you owned Sale and were in Fiji for the last three weeks.  After you were done visiting Superfly’s birth home, you’d return to see Chris Sale threw another great start, just like you left him.  Could’ve Magoo’d Sale the whole time and had no stress.  Eh, what fun is that?  Fantasy Baseball:  When there’s not enough stress in my real life.

Addison Reed – Robin Ventura officially named Reed the closer.  He said he read on the internet that Reed was the closer for the last two weeks, and it sounded like a good idea.

Alex Rios – Homered last night.  If you’re wondering why, it’s cause I just dropped him.  That’s why.  No other reason.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Guess what Wandy’s ERA is.  Don’t Google it.  Guess.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  *scratches butt, taps finger, stirs coffee with different finger*  His ERA is 2.14!

J.D. Martinez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs.  He got ice cold for a while (hitting below .150 in May), but last night might be a sign he’s coming around.  Definitely would watch him.

J.J. Putz – Gibson confirmed that Putz was still their closer.  That means the over/under for him losing the job is at 4 days.

Krispie Young – Diamondbacks are saying they might’ve rushed him back, so they let him watch from the bench yesterday as they scored 11 runs.  Holy sit!

Adrian Beltre – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, facing his old team, the Mariners.  He obviously hit this homer just to say, “It’s not me, it’s you.”

Torii Hunter – Should return early next week.  I bet he regrets teaching his kid the importance of dotting both I’s.

Brandon Phillips isn’t the shiniest tool in the toolbox, but he hit two homers off Beachy yesterday.  He’s gone from a 30/30 2nd baseman to a 20/20 2nd baseman to now an 18/15 2nd baseman, but that doesn’t mean you’re completely screwed if you overpaid for him on draft day.  As long as Dusty hits him between Votto and Bruce, good ol’ Brandon should deliver above average R/RBI at a solid average.  He might not be as sexy as an Altuve or a Jemile, but he’ll probably be a better value the rest of the way.  BTW, even if you didn’t own him last night, the best thing about BP wrecking another Beachy was we didn’t have to sit through a celebrity telethon and Sean Penn’s sourpuss.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche! Before we get into the roundup, here’s the latest podcast. We talk about the Nats bullpen, Brandon Beachy and I read a poem I wrote for Gio Gonzalez.   If that’s not enough for you, Rudy references Lil Jon and drops an F-bomb, which isn’t as deadly as an A-Bomb, but nearly as effective.  Anyway II, here’s the roundup and podcast:

Download from iTunes

Download directly the Razzball Podcast.

Zack Cozart – He homered again yesterday for his second in two days because he wants to make it up to me for his early season struggles.  At least that’s what my ventriloquist dummy wearing a Cozart jersey told me.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I want everyone to promise me one thing.  If you don’t want to own Latos right now because of his ERA roller coaster ride, write it down somewhere that you won’t read until next March.  So when you see his 3.50 ERA from 2012, you don’t draft him and then want to drop him for the first 6 weeks of next season too.

R.A. Dickey – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks.  When asked in the clubhouse where’d these strikeouts come from, Dickey said he pictured all the batters were his childhood bullies who used to pick on him.  Must’ve been hard for a guy named Dickey who was a knuckleballer.

Frank Francisco – Pitched a perfect inning for his 11th save.  Only during the Closepocalypse could a guy with 11 saves and a 7.13 ERA appear good.

James McDonald – Had another great start (7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks).  E I E I Own!

Kevin Youkilis – The Greek God of Limps has returned, and homered.  Opa!

Adrian Gonzalez – Comatose Red Sox Fan, “A-Gon is in the outfield?  So Ortiz is playing first and it’s interleague play?”  Nope.  “Our pitching is doing well, but we’re trying to squeeze in more offense?”  Nuh-uh.  “Please, tell me we’re at least in first for the Wild Card.”  You might want to sit down for this.  The A-Gonz outfield experiment is lasting beyond interleague as the Sawx are stuck with Middlebrooks and Youuuuuuuk at the corners.  Maybe while in the outfield, A-Gonz can reacquaint himself with the area behind the fences.  Not sure if he’ll play there enough to gain OF-eligibility outside 5 game leagues, but it can’t hurt his value.  Hopefully he can avoid the injury curse that is befalling all the Sawx OFs (Crawford, Ellsbury, McDonald, Ross, Kalish….)

Scott Podsednik – I’m gonna go out on a limb and say if you played any post-collegiate outfield, you could receive a call from the Red Sox.  This includes Matt Stairs’ Steak and Keggers Softball League.

Gavin Floyd – 3 2/3 IP, 9 ER pitching at home against the Twins.  Yowza!  Floyd is generally a safe 5th/6th SP in shallow leagues, but you just ask that he does this against a good opponent so you have a proper heads-up.  Party foul, Gavin.

Gordon Beckham – 3rd HR in 4 games (and Vernon Wells robbed him of a HR the game before that).  Not bad for the most British-sounding 2B since William Randolph.

Travis Wood – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, as he was recalled by the Cubs to take Volstad’s spot in the rotation.  Wood had a 4.57 ERA in Triple-A this year.  That’s depressing, until you think about how fortunate you are that you’re not the Red Sox outfield.

Bryan LaHair – Sat out yesterday because he’s in a 1-for-20 skid.  And here I thought he’d hit .400 this year.  I’m glad I didn’t request MLB to defrost Ted Williams’ head.  On May 11th, when I told you to sell him, he had a .384 average with 8 homers.  He now has 10 homers with a .315 average.  He could be a platoon player by June 15th.

Alfonso Soriano – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer.  At least he’s having the decency to hit so it’s not completely laughable that the Cubs will find someone to take him off their hands.  Kinda laughable, just not completely.

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer in… Let’s see how many times have I told you to own him in the last week?

Matt Carpenter – Left yesterday’s game with an injury to his side.  Just when you thought the oblique couldn’t get any vaguer, teams are now just calling it an injured side.

Michael Bourn – 2 homers yesterday.  That’s typically a season for him.  Did his 3rd round drafter Matthew Berry erase his memory and Bourn suddenly assumed a power-hitting identity?

Vance Worley – Hopes to pitch again even after visiting Dr. Freeze.  Here’s what frequent commenter, Cahhhhh-stanza, said, “Jo Anne’s son, Vance, went to see Dr. Freeze Monday for a 2nd opinion.  His first opinion?  Your mom’s best acting was on Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In.  His second opinion?  I think a 12-18 month vacation may be in your future.”

Roy Halladay – 6 IP, 5 ER.  I’m officially concerned.  Is this the beginning of the end for him being a number one?  Citizens Flank is obviously not the friendliest of ballparks for pitchers, but that hasn’t changed from the last two years.  Luckily, you didn’t draft him and just went with Anibal and Gio to anchor your staff like I told you.

P.J. Walters – The ex-Cardinal had a complete game victory vs. the White Sox – giving up 2 ER and 8 Ks.  That’s 3-for-3 in quality starts so far.  His minor league stats don’t hint at this being his breakout season, but maybe PJ’s turning into a sleeper.

Robinson Cano – 1-for-3 with his 5th homer.  Still off the 8 homer, Ian Desmond pace car.

Josh Bell – 1-for-4 with a homer.  He was hitting the feathers out of the chicken (that’s a saying) in Triple-A.  He was also striking out more than a beagle in heat (also, a saying).  I wouldn’t want him for the long term, but he has everyday playing time and might stay hotter than a camel riding a furnace (not a saying).

J.J. Putz – 3rd blown save last night with 1 IP, 2 ER.  Dickey and Putz’s fortunes seem to be going in opposite directions like Siamese twins connected at the back.  After Putz lived up to his name last night, it might be wise for his owners to handcuff themselves to David Hernandez.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners (6 BBs), 2 Ks.  Six walks and two Ks?  Did Francisco Liriano’s doctor do some ‘minor’ surgery on Ubaldo?

Tyler Clippard – Davey Johnson reached into his bag of relievers and pulled out Clippard to save the game against the Phillies.  Nice 1-2-3 inning.  Now get back in the bag, Tyler, before Davey Boy goes all bulldog on ya.  BB-Rod is safe to drop for Craig “The Pistol” Stammen, Sean Burnett or Tyler Clippard.  If I were picking them up, I’d do it in reverse order.  Unless you’re reading this in a mirror.  .tops dlab eht eciton neve t’nac ,doog skool riah ruoY

Ryan Zimmerman – Sat out yesterday with shoulder soreness.  I’m hoping it’s a coverup because Jordan Zimmermann pitched and they only have one jersey.

Alex Avila – Hit his 5th homer yesterday.  If someone grew bored of the .220-ish hitting Avila, he’s a decent guy to grab off waivers.  No reason to think he can’t get back to respectable.  That sounds like a title of an R&B album, Get Back To Respectable.  A soulful journey as one woman gets back on her feet after a terrible breakup, as sung by Grey Albright.

C.J. Wilson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 Hit), 7 Ks.  Of course, if you read any other site, the lead story is Pujols hit a home run.  Then twenty minutes of Bruce Harper, then what does Pujols think of Bryce Harper.

Elliot Johnson – 3-for-4 with his 8th steal.  Kinda annoyed I missed out on him in the RCL, but I got Cozart homering now.  Small booya.

Carlos Pena – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer as he hit leadoff.  …HA!  Sorry, tried to keep a straight face there.  The Rays are so good, Maddon can’t even Mr. Bungle them.  Luke Scott also homered.  As we know from past experiences, Scott and Pena only homer 5 times in a ten day span, never once.

Hanley Ramirez – 3-for-5 with 2 steals.  Now him and Reyes are red hot.  Or is that red-orange?

Brian Matusz – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks against the Sawx.  Tip of the hat for the huge nutsacked owners who started him in this matchup.  That includes those whose nutsacks are enlarged due to a medical condition and who happened to have Matusz in their starting rotation before going to the hospital.

Wilson Betemit – 1-for-3 with his 7th homer.  Sure, I should’ve went with Betemit over Ryan Zimmerman, but a lot of good that’s doing me now!

Adam Wainwright – 4 hit shutout against the Padres with 9 Ks.  We told everyone who listened to last week’s podcast to buy him as it only seemed like a matter of time before he Wainwrighted the ship.  We have one word for how that must’ve tasted…

Yan Gomes – The Brazilian whacks another one!  Just an FYI to those of you who are getting sick of LaHair in that slot.

Yoenis Cespedes homered in yesterday’s second day of kinda real baseball played about six hours before I wake up.  I wonder where Cespedes is being drafted now.  When Rudy and I took our giant beach balls to early March drafts and took Cespedes in a bunch of drafts, he was going cheap.  I wonder if now all those other ‘perts are suddenly stepping up because others are excited about him.  I wonder if everyone else is a Monday morning quarterback with their advice.  I wonder if Yoenis will hit 30 mistake pitch homers.  I wonder if he’ll make adjustments and hit for a decent average too.  I wonder how this would sound read by Morgan Freeman.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in spring training (and real baseball) for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. I still wouldn’t go near him with a three foot churro. (Only partly because waving a three foot churro near Bartolo would be similar to going to a grizzly bear observatory wearing nothing, but bikini briefs made of Marshmallow Fluff. Talk about a Fluffernutter — oofa!)

Mike Carp – Mike Sashimi ended up on the DL after one game playing in Japan.  He should’ve never said, “Come on, pal!  Fugu me!”

Jason Vargas – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I think Vargas is gonna have one of those seasons where you think because he’s the Mariners’ number two that he’s gonna take a number two on your stats, but he won’t.  For now, I’ll call him a Marginer with future appeal.

Jesus Montero – 1-for-3 as he started his 2nd straight game at DH.  Uh-oh.  I was hoping to see Montero start at least one of these games at catcher, but now it’s looking like he may only start when Olivo rests, which would mean once or twice a week behind the plate for Montero and mid-May for catcher eligibility.

Dustin Ackley – 0-for-4, knocking his season pace down to 81/81, but will probably come closer to 8/8, which looks like what Dorothy Hamill would put after her signature.

Justin Smoak – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Is there anything more satisfying than a home run for a guy you pick for two games before the season (actually) starts?  It was almost as satisfying to drop him right after.  It was like a one night stand where everyone has the same expectations.  (I promise you when there’s a full slate of games I won’t talk this much about the A’s and M’s.)

Jonathan Broxton – Royals are leaning towards Broxton for the closer role.  Perhaps a see-saw isn’t the fairest way to determine who should get saves.  Broxton is such a wild card at this point that you have to hold onto Holland in most leagues until he shows some level of dominance/health.

Carl Crawford – Looking at returning at the end of April.  With a wrist injury, I’d choose to March.  Valentine said he’ll only need 50 ABs in rehab, I said, “No, no, no.”

Bobby Abreu – The Los Angeles Suburb of Los Angeles Angels almost got rid of the Abreu-tross from around their DH neck last night.  He came inches from being an Indian, but now the chances of it happening have reduced to 50%.  If it happens, it’s better for both clubs.  I’m just not sure how much better it will be for Kendrys’s playing time.  Abreu wasn’t stealing much time from him anyway.  Stealing time from Kendrys is the fact that he missed 273 games in the last two years because he celebrates like a buffoon.  Angels have already said Kendrys will sit vs. lefties because of health.  Not because of the sourpuss with the big contract that they can’t get rid of.  Yeah, I used the word sourpuss.  Now get off my lawn!

Freddy Sanchez – Expected to start the year on the DL.  Welcome to the club, we expected that in October of 2010.  That’s like predicting a fart two years from now will smell.

Jeff Samardzija – Won a spot in the Cubs’ rotation.  He’ll be in the first Buy/Sell of the season later today.  You can hardly wait.  No, you.

Brian Wilson – Bochy said Wilson was never scratched on Wednesday, he wasn’t supposed to pitch.  So Brian Wilson owners can Smile.

Chris Perez – In five pitches, he threw a complete inning.  After the game, he said, “The quicker the inning, the more time for mullet grooming.”  He should be fine for Opening Day (The One Not Starting Between 3 AM and 6 AM.)

Scott Podsednik – Told reporters he’s not making the Phils’ roster with them opting for Juan Pierre.  Can’t him and Juan Pierre get into one pair of Ryan Howard’s pants and be a stealing hybrid that sounds like a French revolutionary, Robspierre.

Adam LaRoche – Returned to the Nats lineup after nursing a foot injury for, like, two weeks.  Is it me or is LaRoche always hurt?  He should change his name to Adam LaOuch.

Carl Pavano – A police search warrant revealed that a classmate of Pavano threatened to reveal a homosexual affair with the pitcher if he didn’t buy him an SUV.  I’ll never look at his porn mustache the same.

Did you know that Vapors song, Turning Japanese, is about masturbation?  Because when said act is done, a man squints, hence turning Japanese.  Things that are offensive aren’t always racist, but, in this case, they are.  Too bad The Vapors follow up single, “When I Really Have To Pee, I Dance Like A Cherokee” never climbed the charts.  So this morning, Selig, on advice from his toupee, is taking the greatest day, Opening Day, and putting it up against infomercials and a three hour loop of the Emergency Broadcast Network.  Why the hell is Opening Day at 3:05 AM Pacific Standard Time, you ask.  Because Selig is a f*cking idiot.  That asterisk is a U, by the way.  In case that wasn’t clear.  Way to excite the next generation of baseball fans.  Take Opening Day 6,000 miles west and have the two worst teams play.  Could we not get the Padres to play the Washington Generals in Cape Horn?  Anyway, for fantasy baseball, pick up anyone who may play, especially in H2H leagues.  They’re all fair game.  If I were you, I’d focus on the hitters.  From what I’ve read, Japanese ballparks are smaller…. They’re definitely smaller than O.co and Safeco.  I already grabbed Smoak in one league.  If I saw Pennington and I had room, I’d get me some.  Kurt Suzuki?  What the hey!  Seth Smith?  Do it!  Mike Carp, or as the Japanese say “Mike Sashimi,” grab him!  Middle relievers or the starters for the 2nd game, Vargas and Colon, are fair game, too.  Don’t drop anyone that is obviously valuable for your team just for a two game series that you can’t even watch because it’s four hours before dawn on the West Coast!  But I’ll take any leg up on my competition because, remember, a leg up on the competition means you’re urinating on them.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Justin Smoak – Did he hit a home run this morning?  I hope so, but I’m writing this prior to 3 AM Pacific Standard Time so I have no clue.  Once again, eff Bud Selig.

Mat Latos – Left yesterday’s start with a mild calf strain.  Latos said, “I don’t know the layman’s terms of what’s going on but I’m fine.”  Isn’t that layman’s terms?  Latos said he’d make his next scheduled start.  I own Latos all over the place this year, and I’m not concerned.  It’s not an arm injury; he should be fine, or however they say it in layman’s terms.  Dusty’s Toothpick said, “Dusty and I plan on stretching Latos’s calf out on a medieval rack.  He’ll be good as new,” then Dusty’s Toothpick stroked his white cat.

Sean Marshall – Dusty is saying that he might choose to go with the dreaded closerousel, right after I went over all of the fantasy baseball closers.  Actually, I think this is a non-story.  The only thing that could happen is Marshall falters in April and someone else steps up.  Otherwise, Dusty will be all over Sean Marshall like Russell Brand was all over Sarah Marshall.

Lonnie Chisenhall – Optioned to the minors.  Well, my last round grab in one league is already gone as the Indians went with Jack Hannahan.  Maybe he threatened them with a liger.

Miguel Cabrera – Team doctors cleared him to get back to action and he should be fine for Opening Day.  This is a happy day for Miggy owners.  Miggy, “Is a happy day like a happy hour for twenty-four straight hours?”

Marlon Byrd – Nats and Braves have expressed interest.  They are going for Marlon Byrd after striking out in signing his more talented brothers, Damon and Keenen Ivory Byrd.

Nolan Arenado - Casey Blake did not make the club with them opting for a blahtoon of Chris Nelson and Jordan Pacheco until Nolan Arenado is ready.  This is surprising to me.  Just yesterday I put up the 2012 fantasy baseball rookies post and left off Nolan Arenado because I didn’t think he had a legitimate chance for good playing time this year before midseason, but now I’m thinking we might see him as early as June 1st.  If you’re not familiar with Nolan Arenado (BTW, his name only sounds right to me when you say the whole thing like Bobby Fischer or Mr. T), he won the AFL MVP (My acronyms got awards, snitches!).  AFL line was .388/.423/.636 in 121 ABs with 6 homers to go along with his 2011 minor league line of .298/.349/.487 and 20 homers and 122 RBIs in 517 ABs.  His minor league numbers were actually put up in a park that reduces home run numbers too.  Now that I’ve tempted you by the fruit of his booms get a load of this –>  He’s a 3rd baseman who will be playing his home games in Coors Field!  Hello, beautiful, it’s good to see you.  You are so not Ian Stewart.  That flake.  See, Nolan Arenado doesn’t strike out like a Donkey, Mini, Mini Mini or otherwise.  He walks.  He walks, you sexy beast!  Also, screw you, Garrett Atkins!  Go back to being a subject of the TV show, Whatever Happened to Garrett Atkins?  Something that wasn’t mentioned during my effusiveness (that’s a real word! (I think)) is those minor league numbers were in High-A.  He needs to see Double-A pitching, unless he’s a cyborg and he kills all pitching like Reggie wanted to kill the Queen.  In redraft leagues for right now, it’s too early to pick him up or draft him, but, what can I say, Rockies get me excited or exited if C’s scare you because of too many games of Words With Friends.  Now in keepers or dynasty leagues, I’d make sure to grab him later on for cheap when you’re filling out your bench.

Jordan Pacheco – Hey, his name sounds familiar… Oh, I just mentioned him.  Yeah, he’s in the Rockies 3rd base blahtoon.  He’s not much to talk about right now — so why do I keep talking about him?!  Well, he has catcher eligibility in some leagues, so those in deep 2 catcher leagues, he could be a play.

Nolan Reimold – Blue Jays recently inquired about Reimold.  I guess six outfielders/DHs isn’t enough.  Maybe Reimold can keep company with my other post-hype-I-keep-calling-him-a-sleeper-but-when-is-it-happening Travis Snider.

Jerry Sands – Dodgers sent him packing to the minors, opting for Juan Rivera.  The last time a Rivera replaced a Sands, they needed six bulldozers and permission from Bugsy Siegel.  Colletti was probably enamored with Rivera’s one good month last year, which was a Mirage.  I think it’ll turn out for everyone that this is a no Wynn.

Elvis Andrus – Left yesterday’s game with a tight hip.  Rangers said he’d be fine by Thursday.  Or, he’s too hip to be impaired, if you’re into Huey Lewis.

Scott Podsednik – Looking like a better bet to get a roster spot than Juan Pierre.  He’s hitting .362 and yesterday he homered off the bench.  I wonder who was pitching for the ball to go into the dugout so he could homer off the bench.  Is Oliver Perez back in baseball?

Brent Morel – Hit a homer yesterday, which is whatever, but I just wanted to remind people about my Brent Morel sleeper post.  I wrote it while washing my undercarriage.

Curtis Granderson – Was scratched with elbow soreness.  I’m usually scratched with elbow itchiness.  The Yankees don’t seem concerned, but they are sending him for an MRI.  For those that didn’t listen to my Curtis Granderson overrated post, prepare for me to be gleeful if his injury is serious.

Wade Davis – Will head to the bullpen with Jeff Niemann going into the 5th starter spot.  I’m not a fan of either guy, so this is whatever for fantasy, but I did notice an interesting resemblance with Jeff Niemann and this guy.

Mike Aviles – Red Sox announced he would be their starting shortstop.  No surprise here; they just made it official by optioning down Iglesias, who would be a non-factor anyway for 12-team leagues unless you count UZR as a statistic.

Jack Cust – Released by the Astros.  When pressed for comment, Jack cussed.  He was a three outcome pickup – awful starter, mediocre bench pickup, or preseason cut.  Cust kayin’.

Kendrys Morales is out for another 6 months with surgery to remove scar tissue.  Who was the first surgeon to operate on him?  Dr. Nick Riviera?  Hey, boys and three girls!  Bummer for the Los Angeles Angels of Not Los Angeles County…I mean, hello, Trumbo.  Giddy up, snitches!  The Sciosciapath has to play Trumbo now, right?  I mean, probably.  Can’t put anything over on that sly fox.  And by ‘sly,’ I mean dumb.  And by ‘fox,’ I mean not a fox.  If you’re hurting for a corner man, this should be all the incentive you need to sound the Trumbo.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Grady Sizemore – It’s the return of Wounded Knee.  Sizemore went for an MRI for his knee pain.  In other news, water is wet, taco diarrhea burns and astronaut ice cream is delicious.  If you own Sizemore, consider therapy to find out why you keep trying to hurt yourself with your life choices.  “Why’s everyone in my living room?  I was just going to move Sizemore to my bench.”  “Billy, have you thought about trading Sizemore for a pitcher?”  “No!  He makes me feel special!  I hate all of you!”  “Why can’t you just do crank like your brother?!”  That’s you on the show Intervention when your family confronts you about your fantasy draft choices.  Now Sizemore’s MRI says (yes, the MRI talks) his knee is fine.  Right.  So let him play a few days, then you trade him.  He’s not going to run this year, so what do you have with Grady?  You have Beltran, Jason Kubel or a host of other some power, no speed outfielders.  You don’t have the 30/30 Sizemore of yesteryear (2008).

Ryan Braun – The Hebrew Hammer was removed from the game with an ankle contusion after he ran into an outfield wall.  Pending the seriousness of the injury, the wall may now be known as The Wailing Wall of Milwaukee.

Randy Wolf – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Was in last week’s post about pitchers that should see a correction, and yesterday the Padres dropped a whole bottle of White-Out on his stats.

Jason Bartlett – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, 2 steals, 2 Girls, 1 Cup.

Chris Denorfia – 3-for-4, home run and is hitting .370.  He doesn’t really play every day, but he should. (Really, compared to playing Will Venable every day anyone seems like an upgrade.)

Cameron Maybin – 4-for-6, 2 runs and 2 RBIs.  That’s so Maybin!

Tim Stauffer – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  After not feeding a hodgepadre after midnight, what’s the next most important rule?  Don’t start them in away games.

Edinson Volquez – 4 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Guys and three girl readers, I want to formally apologize, or apologise if you use the Queen’s oldfangled spelling, for pushing anyone to draft this schmohawk.  When you can’t go into Houston and pitch well, you’re meat.  Now hang this jerky out to dry.

Drew Stubbs – The King of Slam & Legs doffed his crown and screamed, “As you were, peasants!”

Al Alburquerque – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Santa K, even you’ve turned on me?  For shame.  *shakes fist at the sky*  For shame!

Geovany Soto – His strained groin has forced him to the DL.  Sounds like an injury that would sideline a porn actress.

Matt Garza – He’ll be mentioned in this afternoon’s post about pitchers who should be better.  It’s an extravaGarza!

Felix Hernandez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  F-Her should’ve had a nine inning O face against the Orioles.  Probably just teaching us a lesson for drafting him in the 2nd round.

Adam Jones – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs.  He’s hitting .286 with 5 homers and 4 steals on the year.  That, friend, was a surprise to me because I swear I get at least 4 comments a day about dropping him.  He’s on a 25/15 pace.  That’s Pence-ish.  What’s the major malfunction here?

Hiroki Kuroda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  You know how you say reliable in Japanese?  Toyota.  But it could be Kuroda.

Hong-Chih Kuo – To the DL with an anxiety disorder.  Maybe you get to take days off for this shizz in Taiwan, but where I come from, we bottle up our emotional issues and play like crazy until we have a heart attack and die prematurely.

Matt Joyce – 2-for-5, back-to-back games with a homer while batting .358.  Sure, it won’t last but that matters?  Rhetorical!

David Price – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  You know who is annoyed he avoided Price this year?  This guy!

Scott Baker – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Ream me up Scotty!

Matt Capps – 1 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Nathan hasn’t given up a run in almost two weeks.  Um, that’s only three appearances. Not now, Random Italicized Voice.

Jason Kubel – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Prolly a tad late on talking about Kubel.  I’m *pinkie to mouth* Kubelated.  Not sure what eggs you got in your outfield basket, but right now Kubel’s a good egg.  Usually, I find he has salmonella.  (BTW, I’m waiting for someone to name their daughter Salmonella.  Hopefully it doesn’t then go viral.)

Eric Hosmer – He hit his 1st homer.  Guess what else?  *taps finger, scratches chin, trims mustache, plucks nose hair*  Give up?  He’s batting third!

A.J. Burnett – 7 IP, 6 baserunners (1 Hit), 6 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 3.38.  Quite a change from Ass Jack’s 2010.  His walk-rate is in the vicinity it was the last time he had a respectable year, so it’s possible he keeps it going.  (Relatively, he’s not more than a 3.75 ERA pitcher.)

Ryan Madson – Recorded his 5th save, has an ERA of 0.60.  “That whole ‘he doesn’t have what it takes to close’ thing was an obvious motivational tactic.  Dur.” That’s what the Phils pitching coach will say any day now.

Leo Nunez – 1 IP, 2 ER.  As we learned last August, when Nunez goes south, he goes monkey-fightin’ south fast.  Mike Dunn would be the handcuff.  Then if he gets the job, after every save you can scream, “Mmm…Dunn!” and throw your mitt in the air like Jesse Orosco, because you wear a glove to watch baseball games, even at home.

Scott Podsednik – Blue Jays release Pods, hope to retain his wife.

Rajai Davis – 4-for-4 with his 2nd game in a row with 2 steals.  Somebody’s got the fever for the SAGNOF!

Craig Kimbrel – 1 IP, 2 ER with the blown save.  I love you, Kimbrel, so why do you hate the ones you love?

Ian Desmond – 2-for-6 with 2 steals to bring his total up to 12.  Wow, is he gonna go 10/30 this year?  Cause that would be huge.  (Be even nicer if he hit .270.  But that’s quibbling!  Or is it?!  No, actually it’s not.  Seriously, get to .270.)

Miguel Cabrera – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs when he was ejected for arguing with the home plate ump.  Went something like this, “Taste great!” “Less filling!”  Well, you know Miggy — he always wants to stick around after the last call.