Fantasy Baseball Advice

The save vulture is a scavenger bird.  They see weakness in others’ misfortune.  A closer goes down or struggles and the save vulture swoops in and gnaws on the closer’s handcuff.  Peck, Brandon League, peck.  The save vultures are indigenous to rural and metropolitan areas, especially if a trade is in progress.  Goodbye, Rauch.  Hello, Drew Storen, Tyler Clippard and Sean Burnett.  Save vultures have trouble reproducing because they’re usually overweight guys who would prefer to listen to sports news than what the girl they’re dating is talking about.  “How does my manicure look?”  “Very pretty, Joel Hanrahan.”   “Did you just call me, Joel Hanrahan?”  “No.”  Kevin Gregg, Kerry Wood, Joakim Soria any of them can be traded in the next 24 hours.  If you need saves, there won’t be many saves coming into the league after the trade deadline.  If you need closers, now is the time to swoop, save vultures.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Domonic Brown – If I keep talking about Domonic, I’m gonna have to do a spin-off blog, Razzbrown.  My Domonic Brown fantasy is clickable.

Tyler Colvin – I told you to pick him up on June 18th.  Since then, 19/9/20/.250/1.  Yeah, that’s better than Werth, Vlad, Torii, Grandy, Alfonso and a ton of other guys.

Chris Denorfia – By the time you read this he might already be cold and not worth owning.  There’s a difference between someone like Colvin and Denorfia.  Denorfia is a random outfielder who just happens to be hot, Colvin’s actually decent.

Andres Torres – Why do you make me talk about the same guy for three weeks and then by the time you pick him up he’s no longer good?  This is a trust exercise.  Fall back into my arms.  I promise to keep my mustache to myself.

Brett Wallace – Here’s what I said this morning, “Getting passed around…” “…like a trollop…” “Berkman” “is” “different cities.”   My Zagat quote skills are strong!  Here’s my Brett Wallace fantasy without the clunky quotes.

Jon Jay – His minor league numbers look like he’s unstartable against lefties (.180 vs. the same side, .404 vs. righties), but he’s actually relieved Rasmus vs. southpaws because he’s hitting the scrammy-handed at a .474 clip.  But, as I tell the ladies, beware the small sample size.  Jon Jay should get exploited the more he sees the ‘ones who need special scissors.’  That makes Jay a platoon guy without an injury.  Grab him now since he’s hitting everything and La Russa seems to like him, but don’t be surprised if it’s short-lived.

Travis Snider – Time to get randy on Travis.  He’s due to finally return from his sore right wrist.  Usually I’d be worried about a wrist injury, but Snider pulled a Kotchman and has been recuperating since May 15th.  His wrist better be, uh, better by now.  Plus, who couldn’t love a guy who resembles this guy?

Travis Wood – Sticking with the Travis theme… There is no wrong, there is no right… The circle has one side, side, side… Wait, wrong Travis theme.  So how much can Wood chuck if Wood could maintain his BABIP?  A bunch, but it seems unlikely. Wood gets the Pirates next and he’s pitched well enough where you can take a flyer on him.

Scott Olsen – Yesterday’s game picked up right where he left off as a respectable number five fantasy starter.  He gets the Diamondhacks next, that’s a ‘Yes’ with a dollop of ‘Please.’

Brett Myers – With a line of 3.10/1.22/113 on the year, you should’ve really grabbed him four months ago, but it’s not too late.

Michael Wuertz – Bailey’s not getting traded, but he’s also not getting healthy.

Danny Valencia – Grab him if you’re hurting for a corner infidel, but his Kevin Maas-shaped candle might’ve already burned out.

Will Rhymes – SAGNOF!

Logan Morrison – Just went over my Logan Morrison fantasy a few days ago.  Nothing’s changed — LoMo Hitado!

Ryan Raburn – Green Raburn asks, “Magglio Ordonez is so hurt he _____________” However you fill in that blank, Raburn has pop and should see playing time.

SELL

Edison Volquez – Don’t be the person that says in the comments, “You can’t sell Volquez!  He’s not worth anything!”  As I said in the beginning of the year, the Sell isn’t always literal.  It also means to drop him.  In non-keepers, you let someone else see if Volquez can figure it out.

Troy Glaus – Playing first base has helped him stay in the lineup.  Unfortunately, you probably wish he were hurt for the last two months.

Dan Uggla – July was his biggest month since May of 2008.  It was his first month since then that he had an average over .300.  He currently sits at 22 homers.  Maybe he has another good week, but he’s never kept up the rate he’s currently on and I don’t think he suddenly will.  I wouldn’t trade him for your nana’s Jell-O mold collection, but I’d listen to offers.

Chris Davis is so easy to strike out that pitchers should let him get a 4th or 5th strike like you’d give the small-for-his-age kid in little league.  “Good cut, Chris!”  Then the parent who needs anger management screams, “It’s on a freakin’ tee!  Hit the damn ball!”  Davis is also so easy to strike out the Rangers felt like they needed to go out and get someone who is marginally better.  Enter Jorge Cantu.  Or as I like to call him, the guy I told you to sell back at the end of April when his value was at its highest.  Cantu gets a boost in value because he’s now going to be hitting in a lineup with Giant Machine and Hulk Machine, while calling Coors South home.  I’d grab Cantu off waivers if I was hurting at my corner infidel spot.  Meanwhile, Chris Davis heads to the minors to try and reclaim that glory that had Bill James projecting him for, like, 40 homers and 10 steals.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Kinsler – Back to the DL with a strained groin and could be out until the end of August.  Who had July 29th in the ‘Kinsler goes back on DL’ pool?  Kinsler’s officially dropping way down in 2011 drafts.  He might be the fourth Ranger drafted next year.  I smell a sleeper post about him from January Grey.  January Grey, “Leave me alone, I’m watching Jersey Shore.”

Brett Wallace – It’s ironic he’s only a 1st base prospect because he’s getting passed around the majors like a trollop who’s been a lot farther than 1st base.  For those keeping score, he’s gone from STL to OAK in the Matt Holliday deal, OAK to TOR for OF prospect Michael Taylor (whom Toronto got in the Halladay deal), and now from TOR to HOU for OF prospect Anthony Gose.  The book on Walllace is he’s a great hitter with a bad glove (hence the move from 3B to 1B).  Now it’s one thing when STL trades a 1B (when they have Pujols) or when Oakland trades a 1B (Billy Beane likes to keep busy) but when the Lyle Overbay-playing Blue Jays trade a 1B prospect one has to wonder.  Is something wrong here 0r is the Jays GM, Alex the Greek just opa’ing prospects into the fireplace?  Either way, Lance Berkman looks like he’s about to embark on the Casino Bus.  If Wallace gets called up, he’s immediately mixed league material.  He hit 18 homers in 385 minor league ABs this year.  Though it was in the PCL.  BTW, this is the longest blurb ever for a roundup.  I don’t even remember who I was talking about.  Oh, Brett Wallace!  Yeah, he can hit, grab him now in NL-Only leagues, deep mixed leagues and keepers, just in case he’s called up.

Matt Capps – Traded to the Twins for Wilson Ramos, a top catching prospect, and Joe Testa, who throws straight gas, but is still very young.  Look at the Nats making moves!  Too bad Bowden wasn’t still around, he would’ve never stood for that.  As much as I’d prefer to talk about how the Nats can be a serious contender in two years, this is after all a fantasy blog.  If you’re really desperate for saves, I’d hold Rauch just in case he sees some chances or if you need rebounds (he’s tall!), but the Minnesota papers are reporting Capps will close.  I tend to believe the Minnesotans, salt of the earth people yadda².  Also, if Capps doesn’t close, then it looks even worse that the Twins traded those prospects away.  Gotta keep up appearances, ya know?

Miguel Tejada – Traded to the Padres to play….where?  He could play shortstop with the range of Cal Ripken but that dude’s 50 years old.  He could play 3B and move Headley back to the OF, but is Tejada really a better bat than the Padres worst corner OF?  Maybe, and that’s just sad.

Josh Bell – Will replace Tejada at 3rd base for the Suckie O’s.  Bell’s AL-Only ownable, which is saying very little since Daric Barton is AL-Only material.  Bell needs to get hot before picking up in mixed leagues, or, if you speak street, he needs to be fire on Crunk Juice.

Michael Wuertz – Now Bailey’s headed to the DL.  Wuertz has shown himself to be pretty adept at blowing save opportunities, so he’s no sure thing, but Breslow is?  As German prostitutes like to say, I grabbed Wuertz.  (BTW, whenever I think of a German prostitute, I picture a woman that could have easily been a female wrestler if she just got a few breaks.)

Neil Walker – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer and 2nd in three games.  I’ve knocked him a bunch, but when you’re looking at a Pu-Pu Platter of middle infielders, Walker’s at least hitting.

Matt Diaz – First time I was able to get Diaz into my lineup because it was a short schedule day and he homered.  That’s how you roll the Dye-as!

Miguel Montero – 4 for his last 8 with a homer yesterday.  Instead of just letting their catcher scabs be, I’ve noticed people are dropping Montero.  He could have a solid final two months.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-3 with his 7th homer.  Please make note of this next year when you’re drafting.  A 10/10 guy looks good when you’re drafting him, but when you’re actually waiting for him to get to 10/10 it’s mind numbingly boring.

Scott Olsen – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  And that’s a promise or my name isn’t Grey “El Toro” Albright.

Drew Storen – Clippard’s been a hot mess for a while now, so I’d grab Storen for saves.  If you’re really hurting for saves, I’d grab Clippard too.  If you’re really, really hurting for saves, I’d grab Sean Burnett. (And I did grab Clippard and Burnett in some leagues — My name is Grey “El Toro” Albright and I am a save vulture.  Please forgive me if I have told you to pick up a guy that has shat on your ratios.  I am powerless to my vulturing.  Anyone got some coffee and cigarettes?)

Ramon Castro – Hit 2 homers yesterday.  Appropriate of nothing, doesn’t his goatee look like a sideways yin and yang symbol?  Maybe it’s me.

Carlos Quentin – 2-for-4 with his 20th home run.  Sweet, now stay healthy for two months and hit.

Raul Ibanez – Hit his 2nd homer in the last week and he just missed his third with a WTF (Warning Track Fly).  Also, hitting near .450 in the last week.

David Price – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks as he recorded his 14th win.  That sound you hear is the BBWAA preparing their AL Cy Young vote for Price.  Voter, “A team win is the most important thing.  And if a guy pitches with moxie.  That’s important too.”

Anibal Sanchez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 8 Ks.  And he’s got a no-hitter on his resume too from 2006.  Pretty impressive given his career WHIP is 1.45.  Kind of feast or famine – fitting for a guy whose name anagrams to He’s Za Cannibal.

Logan Morrison played at the same community college as Albert Pujols.  That’s two more MLB players than Middlesex County College or MC-squared as we called it.  Let’s look at what Stephen wrote about Morrison, “Blessed with a balanced, flat swing with plus-power, and the organization’s best plate-discipline…  The only thing more exciting than Morrison is pasting copies of Grey’s photo to a dartboard and piercing his eyeballs.”  Hmm… Hadn’t read that last part before.  A rookie with good plate discipline and power is really all you need to know when considering a guy for keepers.  Own and own now.  So is it time to get on board the LogaMotive in redraft leagues?  As a disgruntled horse would say, “What the hey?”  When met with choosing between upside and a random schmohawk outfielder behind door number three, you go with upside.  Just don’t crazy and drop anyone too valuable.  I imagine Morrison will lose some playing time to Bonifacio and might struggle in the beginning.  Conservatively, I’ve give him 8 homers and a decent average.  The upside is obviously there and if he hits out of the gate, his name value will provide more than his actual worth on the trade market.  A lot depends on if the Marlins take it fast or slow with LogaMo.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jason Bay – Out with a mild concussion.  This would explain a lot if it happened in March and was just discovered.

Jonathon Niese – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  Wasn’t the prettiest start, but I’ve seen worse.  *cough* Wainwright *cough*  Still, Niese has only one bad start in his last 10.  Really no reason you shouldn’t own him.

Huston Street – Was hit by a line drive then fainted two or three times from the pain.  Obviously I don’t wish ill on anyone, except for maybe Jason Bay.  But how do you faint two or three times?  You put the back of your hand to your forehead and you faint.  Then you’re revived.  That’s it.  Let’s act it out.  “The pain is terrible.  I can’t take it, Jeeves.  I just can’t.”  You faint.  Jeeves pats your forehead with a cold rag while your suitor waves his top hat to give you air.  You waken.  “Are you all right?  You fainted.”  “Yes, Jeeves.  Thank you.  Perhaps you could fetch me a glass of bubbly water.”  See!  One faint!  Well, I grabbed Corpas wherever I had room.  If anyone can take a day-to-day and turn it into a 60-day DL stint, it’s Street.

Jorge de la Rosa – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now has back-to-back solid starts.  Yes, I’d prefer him over Volquez at this point.

Troy Tulowitzki – 0-for-4 as he returned to the lineup.  Hope his return this soon isn’t *pinkie to mouth* wristki.

Tyler Colvin – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer in the last week.  Get ‘em while the gettin’s good.  I before e, pick him up if you need outfield help.

Brett Myers – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Pitched brilliantly vs the Cubs.  Brett Myers’ wife was just glad he didn’t win a slugfest because sometimes Brett brings work home with him.

Chris Johnson – 2-for-4.  I picked him up for Monday’s short schedule day, but I held onto him a little longer and dropped someone else.  Why?  Cause Johnson’s crazy hot right now.

Hong-Chih Kuo – 2 IP, 0 ER, 5 Ks.  His ERA is 0.79, his WHIP is 0.76 and lefties are 0-for-the-season off him.  How’s your Holds guy doing?

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Hasn’t given up more than 2 runs in any game since June 2nd.  Yup.

Alexei Ramirez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer.  He has 5 steals on the year and a .288 average.  Take this how you want, but his stats are exactly what they should be.

Kerry Wood – Will close again when activated.  The Indians should’ve added, “And we can’t wait for him to return, because we love love love having him as our closer.  But we’d be willing to listen to offers if someone really wanted to trade for him.”

Josh Tomlin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Josh Tomlin, who likes to talk about himself in the third person, said, “Josh Tomlin fears no man, woman or whatever A-Rod is.”  Tomlin, 25, had a solid record in Triple-A this year –  2.68 ERA, 80:33 K:BB in 107 1/3 innings.  Could be a decent AL-Only pickup since hitters won’t be familiar with him.  You’re crazy if you grab him in mixed leagues.  Cray.  Zee.

Stephen Strasburg – Was scratched from his start when he couldn’t get loose.  He has inflammation in his right shoulder.  Wouldn’t be surprised if the Nats are very cautious and rest him for a week or so.  When the crowd saw it was Batista and not Strasburg starting, it was almost a modern day, Disco Demolition Night.  Like showing up at the theater and hearing, “Due to an illness to Kevin Spacey, his understudy will be performing tonight — the dad from The Hogan Family.”

Scott Olsen – Will return from the DL this Thursday.  He’s worth a grab, if you’re hurting for a 5th fantasy starter, but I wouldn’t start him in his first game back.

Edinson Volquez – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Yeah, that wasn’t much better than his last start.  Tommy John recipients tend to have command issues when they return and Volquez already had problems throwing a rock into the ocean without the assist from gravity.  I’d start looking elsewhere.

Scott Rolen – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs in his 2nd game back.  Or as I like to call it “two less days until his next injury.”  If you’re hurting at your corner infidel spot, I could see grabbing him while he’s ‘healthy.’

Jose Lopez – Tight hamstring forced him from the game.  He’s day-to-day, or Day II Day, if you’re into R&B.

B.J. Upton – Twisted ankle and left the game.  He’s day-to-day, which isn’t nearly as exciting as one day until Desmond Jennings’ day.

Justin Upton – Left with hip tightness.  The Uptons should have never vacationed to Hawaii and stole that tiki idol from Vincent Price.

Shane Victorino – Is it me or did the entire league get hurt yesterday?  His oblique injury looked like it could mean a DL stint.  He could barely throw the ball back in.  Victorino said he’s hoping to avoid the DL.  Oh, who cares what Victorino’s saying?  Here comes Domonic Brown!  Maybe.  But pick him up just in case.

Dan Haren – Hey, some good injury news!  Haren says he’ll be able to make his next start.

John Lackey – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. his former club, the Angels, as the Rally Monkey tipped his cap one last time.

J.J. Hardy – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and a homer.  I’ve quietly owned Hardy in one league for a week or two.  He’s hit in 8 of his last ten games and is capable of hitting 10 homers in the last two months.  It’s not much until you consider it’s at MI.

Danny Valencia – 4-for-4 on Monday, 4-for-5 yesterday…  14 for his last 19.  Yeah, I grabbed him in multiple leagues.  I think he flames out as quick as he’s heated up, but who knows?  Maybe he’ll Chris Shelton it for three weeks.  Oh, and if you’re wondering who I dropped.  Dexter Fowler, you’re dead to me until you start hitting again.  Get well soon!

Mike Gonzalez – 1 2/3, 0 ER.  Meanwhile, Alfredo got creamed.  You do the math!

Jose Bautista – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers to bring his total to 30.  Okay, I was way off with this guy, but I don’t think even Jose Bautista saw this year coming.  This is the craziest HR season since Brady Anderson suddenly hit 50 HRs.  Bautista hadn’t hit 30 homers in the past two years combined in 350 extra ABs.  It’s okay, it’ll make next year’s overrated post that much sweeter to write.

Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 13 Ks.  On the season, he has 114 Ks to 7 walks.  There’s gonna be some upset people on the internet when he loses the Cy Young because he doesn’t have enough wins.

Michael Wuertz – 1 IP, 2 ER and the first two run outing in over a month.  I haven’t had a year like this in a while.  I literally pick up a middle reliever to vulture saves and he invariably gives up runs.  It’s the Wuertz!

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Best looking start for Hanson in over a month.  Could be headed for a solid finish on a pretty lukewarm season.

Chris Coghlan – He tore his meniscus while throwing a pie in Wes Helms face.  This is the worst pie-related injury since Stan Gable’s heart was broken when he saw his Betty topless at the bottom of a Nerd-sold creme pie.  But pie-related injuries go back centuries.  The first known pie-related injury was when Euclid hurt his pelvis during a visual explanation of circumference.  Chris Coghlan’s offseason workout program will be him serving tables at Marie Callender’s.

No, there’s probably no cast in Andre’s future.  I’m not even sure they make casts small enough for the pinkie finger.  That was Pingping‘s downfall, that and the chain smoking.  After Andre Ethier broke a bone in his pinkie, he said something was seriously wrong.  Seriously?  You got a boo-boo on your pinkie!  What, you can’t make shadow animals now?  When he found out what it was, he said that it’s the leverage point of his swing and it would prevent him from holding the bat the way he normally does.  Who’s leverage point is their freakin’ pinkie?!  This is like the pea under the princess’s mattress.  His biggest concern is probably how he can stick his pinkie out while drinking tea.  Ethier could be out for a few weeks or he can play through it.  So he’s damned if he does or a half dozen of the other… Or however that cliché goes.  If it is his leverage point, you don’t want him playing through it.  If he doesn’t play through it, he could be out at least a few weeks.  And here I thought the only time Ethier and the word pinkie would be associated would be from this picture.  Draw your own conclusions, but I’m guessing he’s in Key West.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Chad Billingsley – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  What every pitcher needs, a trip to Petco.

Huston Street – Huston, we have a setback.  We should just call them streetbacks.  This time he strained his groin.  Straining your groin is so adolescent!  Corpas stays the number one option for saves.  He’s by no means safe, but he’s safer than the other options.  Those really hurting for saves can look at Cuddle Boy, Rafael Betancourt.

Jeff Francis – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Definitely worth grabbing in NL-Only and deeper mixed leagues, but, in the end, he’s a mid-4 ERA, 6 K/9 pitcher.  It’s just a’ight.

Brad Lidge – You know those signs that say, “If you lived here, you’d be home right now?”  How about the sign, “If you were Brad Lidge, you’d be injured right now?” Lidge returns to the DL and Jose Contreras continues to fill in the closer role.  Those is desperate need of saves can look at Danys Baez and J.C. Romero too.

J.C. Romero – And J.C. turns a close game into a save.  There were lefties batting and Contreras had pitched two days in a row, so that’s what went on here.  Though it does give you an idea of the pecking order when you’re vulturing.

Jimmy Rollins – To return on Monday.  Assuming he doesn’t share a doctor with Brad Lidge.

Kila Ka’aihue – Was sent back down.  Too bad he couldn’t make the best of his time.  Then again, he was only given 4 at-bats in almost two weeks.  Here’s a prospect, here’s the Royals stunting a prospect’s growth.

Justin Duchscherer – This Justin, probably out for the season with his grandma hip.

Jack Cust – 2-for-3 as he returns to the A’s.  He missed almost 40 games, so how long until you think he leads the club in homers?  Week and a half?  2 weeks?  If you need power, I’d grab him.  Also, everyone in OBP leagues should obviously pick him up.

Scott Hairston – Looks to be headed to the DL with the dreaded strained hamstring.  This will free up playing time for Venable and Gwynn.  Though I’m not sure that’s a good thing.

Carlos Guillen – As reported here first after reading it elsewhere, Guillen will play 2nd base when he returns next week.  Scott Sizemore is no more as he was optioned to the minors.

Brennan Boesch – Now batting .380 over 71 ABs.  Member when I effused praise, but hedged that Boesch had no playing time when Guillen returned?  Yeah, that’s old news, friend.  Boesch should play every day as long as he continues to hit.  I’d grab him in most 12 team leagues and deeper.

Max Scherzer – The Tigers weatherman called for a flurry of moves this weekend, huh?  Scherzer was sent to the minors.  If you owned him, it’s your own fault.  I couldn’t have been more vocal about why I was avoiding him this year.  At least now he’s done Pwnsoning you.  Replacing him…

Armando Galarraga – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s a 4.50+ ERA pitcher with a bleh K-rate.  I’d ignore in all leagues, except AL-Only ones.

Scott Olsen – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Very respectable start against a team that is good vs. lefties and even better at home.  I’d own Olsen in the shallowest of leagues.

Tyler Clippard – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER as he got the loss.  What a decision hog!

Willy Taveras – The Nats DFA’d, which is baseball’s acronym for “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.”

Drew Storen – Called up to the majors.  Storen won’t see any saves unless there’s a total collCapps.  Not if there’s just some hicCapps.

Carlos Quentin – I don’t know what’s worst, that Quentin missed his third straight game with a stomach problem or that I was glad Quentin missed three straight.

Gavin Floyd – 6 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks and now has a 7.00 ERA on the year.  I think change gonna come, nephew, but I wouldn’t wait for it with him on my team.  Let him correct himself on waivers.

Alex Rios – 3-for-4, and his 7th homer while he has 12 steals.  It is my belief that James Shields and Alex Rios are conspiring to drive me crazy.

Alexei Ramirez – Now 5 for his last 7.  It took him until around this time last year to get hot.  Cust kayin’.

Grady Sizemore – Should be day-to-day after he left the game with a left knee contusion.  No word on how he suffered it, but my guess is one of his fantasy baseball owners Tonya Harding’d him.

Russell Branyan – Hit his 4th homer on the year yesterday and his 3rd this week.  Trust me, I wouldn’t mention some of these guys if they weren’t worth owning immediately.  I grabbed Branyan in a few leagues last Thursday, if that helps the medicine go down.

Jake Westbrook – 9 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Before this start, he had a 23:19 K:BB rate, which is bad.  His WHIP is 1.51.  I wouldn’t own him with your team.

Luke Scott – 3-for-4, as he hit his 7th homer yesterday and his 4th homer in his last 7 games.  Another guy who is only worth owning while he’s hitting.  Currently, he’s hitting.

Brad Penny – 5 IP, 7 ER, 14 baserunners, 7 Ks.  That’s not a pretty Penny.

Jonny Gomes – 2-for-3 and batting .350 on the week.  He’s been playing every day and, even if he wasn’t, interleague is coming up so he’d play then.  (BTW, a interleague post is coming this week about guys to start and sit.)

Bronson Arroyo – 9 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. a slumping Cards team.  I’d continue to avoid Arroyo until after the All-Star Break.

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  His WHIP is hideous (1.68), but I’d grab him in leagues where you need Ks.  Right now, 54 Ks in 41 innings.  For you noobs, that’s really good.  In fact, it’s the best K-rate in the major leagues.  Yes, better than Lincecum.

Mariano Rivera – 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Oh, Mo.  Hasn’t saved a game in May then this dreckitude.  Joba wasn’t much better in this game, but continue to hold Joba just in case Rivera’s hurt.  On an amusing side note, my grandfather’s real name is Mariano.  Not Panamanian, but Italian.  Hey, paisan!  But he hasn’t gone by Mariano since he was a kid, opting for Joe.  He says Mariano sounds too Italian, even though he has no problem wearing self-tanning lotion to “darken his complexion.”  Yes, my grandfather is C. Thomas Howell from Soul Man.

Gaby Sanchez – Went 9-for-17 this weekend, Maybin went 5-for-12 with 6 RBIs.  As I told someone in the comments this weekend, I have no idea if this is a good sign for the Marlin youngsters or a bad sign for the Mets pitching.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Dan Haren – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Did he see his shadow and think it was after the All-Star Break?

Martin Prado – 4-for-6, 2 Runs, 3 RBIs and 2 Homers.  I wouldn’t own Prado just because of the complete lack of speed, but if you need average or Runs, that’s what Prado gives you.  Pretty yawnstipating, but he is what he is.

Troy Glaus – 3-for-5, 2 Runs, 2 RBIs as he was another guy who homered that showed up in Friday’s Buy/Sell.

Jon Niese – Left the game yesterday after getting hamstrung.

Jose Reyes – Moved back to the leadoff spot, which left a void in the heart of the lineup.  Batting 4th for the Mets?  It’s a sci-fi mystery scripted by Chris Carter.

In one article about Mike Stanton in The Miami Herald, a longtime season ticket holder, Fran, was asked if any player every matched Stanton’s sheer mollywhopping, pony sticking ability.  The gist is no.  Fran, at 85, had seen them all too.  About Randy Johnson, Fran was quoted as saying, “Wild as any turkey ever got to be.  He had that hair, and when he pitched and got sweaty, he had the nastiest head of hair you ever seen.”  Now if I worked as a reporter for The Miami Herald, I’d make sure I had at least one quote from Fran in every article.  If I could somehow find someone to match her quotey-ness, I’d say the quote was “frantastic.”  If another reporter asked me to read their piece and they lacked a Fran quote, I’d say it’s not franny enough.  Can we get a interview with Fran?  Or should I just call up any retirement home in Miami-Dade County and interview anyone I get on the phone about the Marlins prospects?  Mrs. Abramowitz, “Can Maybin turn it around?”  “I’ve seen potato pancakes bigger than him.  Put some apple sauce on his head and he’ll fall over.”  /Fran aside.

So, I have big love for Stanton (<–cable TV pun!), and I think he should be picked up in all leagues immediately.  Between Cody Ross, Coghlan and Maybin, the Marlins have no reason to keep Stanton down any longer.  He should be up in the next few weeks.  When he arrives, he’ll be good for power and maybe not much else.  He could be a drag on average.  Here’s what I said back in November, “In Single-A, he hit 39 homers while slashing .293/.381/.611.  There’s light tower power in his man-frame of 6’5″, 210 lbs. (for those in San Diego, that’s 3 and a half David Ecksteins, but only three-quarters of a Kyle Blanks.  Or Blanks sans afro.).  Last year, Stanton continued his assault on minor league pitching in High-A, then hit his first roadblock at Double-A.  Unable to make the necessary adjustments, he saw the one part of his game that was exploitable exploited.  He’s a hacker.  Even when he hit the 39 homers in 125 games in A, he struck out 153 times.  Last year, he K’d 99 times in 79 Double-A games, which led to .231/.311/.455.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Since then, i.e., this year, he’s hit the ball wilder than any turkey Fran’s ever saw.  When he gets called up in June, think a line of 15-20 homers and a .255 average.  The hype alone makes him rosterable.  If you have him, I believe his hype will make it worth trading him in non-keeper leagues.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Scott Olsen – He gets the Rockies his next time out in Coors, which isn’t a start I’d want any part of, but then he gets the O’s, Giants and Astros, three clubs that punted hitting this year.

Derek Holland – I think he’ll be a matchups guy for certain stretches of the season.  Read:  When he’s at home.  Potatoes to chips, I’d still own him because he’s D-Nice with the Ks.

John Ely – Weird that this guy seems completely off everyone’s radar.  He has a 17:3 K:BB rate and he gets the Astros next time out.  That’s Lov-Ely.

Johnny Cueto – Sure, his name sounds like a bully from an 80′s movie and he treated you as such his first month, but he has a 33:12 K:BB and a 1.21 WHIP with three straight solid starts.  Cueto won’t hurt you… As long as you’re not a dork!

Randy Wells – I know it’s weird for you to go after a pitcher who hasn’t pitched that well so far.  This is a trust exercise.  Just fall back, Wells will catch you.

Troy Glaus – Hitting .400 over the last week with 2 homers.  He got so hot it was a Glaussian blur!  What?  Terrible?  Yeah, probably.

Luke Scott – ROTIOAOWAYSETWOASPAYOWTWH!

Travis Snider – Member why you drafted him in March?  Yeah, none of that has changed, he just started slow.  Still plenty of time for him to breakout.  Or not.  But it’s worth the chance on upside.

Michael Saunders – Maybe because his last name sounds like he likes to walk leisurely, but I’m finding it hard to build enthusiasm about Saunders.  Is he rosterable in deep leagues?  Yeppers.  Is he better than a poor man’s FraGu?  Not on your Mom Mom’s life.

Alfredo Simon – You know the douche that updates his Facebook page whenever he has something to brag about?  Yeah, well, I’m going to post about how I picked Alfredo Simon up in a fantasy league.  Take that, douche who just got a new job!

Jose Contreras – Yes, it’s saves.  I’m just worried that after you’re done with him you’re going to have a screwvenir of an unsightly ERA and WHIP.

Manny Corpas – No better than Contreras, only 47 years younger.

John Buck – One catcher I’m mentioning this week.  McCann + V-Mart + Mauer is less than Buck’s power so far.  Ain’t that a kick in the pants?

SELL

Gordon Beckham – Every time I watch him at the plate, I feel like some depressing David Gray song should be playing in the background.  It’s like every lemming in the world has Beckham on their team.  Even if he rights the ship, what are you going to get? 14/10?  I just popped a zit and it gave me more satisfaction.  Lose him, it’s time to move on.

Kyle Blanks – It’s time to start making some tough choices.  Blanks seems like a good guy.  It’s well documented that he can carry around 17 cookie elves in the palm of his hand.  But his strikeouts right now?  A taco diarrhea mess.  You get power off waivers elsewhere.  That’s a command, Lieutenant.

Jason Kubel – We’re cleaning house today, huh?  In the rankings, I said, “Kubel had value when he was a last round draft pick.  There’s no value when you have to draft him like he’s actually going to stay on your team.  Trust me, he won’t.”  And that’s me anticipating you dropping Kubel!

Starlin Castro – Whatchu talkin’ about, Grey?!  You just told us to pick him up!  Yeah, and now I’m telling you like Yoda would that the hype is too strong in him.  Now don’t trade him for a set of gold fronts, but I’d definitely see what I could get.  Say Asdrubal and a donkeycorn?  You’re coming out on top of that.  And tell’m Grey sent ya!  Though that might just confuse them.