Fantasy Baseball Advice

Well, Blanton’s seat is still warm and here come the rumors of Gio Gonzalez’s promotion. Figures, a couple more bad starts and some illegal body shop in Oakland would’ve gutted Blanton and pimped out his carcass for a sweet ride. Yo, put some five-star Momos on Blanton’s legs and let’s bling out his grill! (EDITOR’S NOTE: The last guy to give Blanton a rim job was Michael Lewis.) Lest we forget the sad fate of Eric Plunk whose ulnar collateral ligament was repurposed as a remodeled Chevy Impala hood ornament. So what’s the most exciting thing about Gio Gonzalez’s impending callup? You can actually pick him up right now in Yahoo. Weird! So the question boils down to whether or not you should pick him up. Let’s see, he Ks people, he’ll be in a pitcher’s ballpark, he’ll be facing a sad sack division and people aren’t familiar with him. Of course you pick him up! (Why would you make me use an exclamation point?) Only thing, do you expect Volquez and get Cueto? Perhaps. But you keep getting in these relationships because you need the eggs. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy and sell in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Matt Holliday - I don’t know how cheap you can get Holliday, but there’s some news that he might be traded. If the Holliday owner in your league is getting worried, exploit him. Holliday’s in the prime of his career; his value won’t be squashed by a trade.

Eddie Guardado - I know, Everyday Eddie is a total schmohawk, but CJ Wilson is skating on thin ice. (As if there’s any other kind of ice in Texas — oofa! BTW, Austin is one of my favorite cities. Not sure why you needed to know that, but you did. It’s called sharing! If I had said I had tacos there that made my crap my pants, that would be oversharing. There’s a difference.)

Kevin Youkilis - I mentioned Youuuuuuuk in passing in my top 100 for the 2nd half when I said he was my dark horse for AL MVP. He’s still hitting well and, when he collapsed last year, he wasn’t hitting well in June let alone halfway through July.

Damaso Marte/Jonathan Broxton - These guys are the closers until further notice. There’s no reason you shouldn’t treat them as if they are Capps and Saito. If you can get them on the cheap, why not? (Bee tee dubya, next week at this time Corpas might be next to Broxton on that list.)

Jason Bartlett - Will be back next week. If you need steals, you can do a lot worse. I almost dropped Keppinger for him in a deep league, but someone beat me to it. Damn you, Fantasy Phenoms! But I do have Tulo returning, so there!

Carlos Zambrano - Not sure who remembers the ‘pert who I chastised a couple of months ago for trading Johan for Granderson and Ervin. Well, this time I traded with him (BTW, you can almost see his nuts in that picture). You would think from his trade history I would’ve received Arod for Iwamura, but no. I got Big Z for Jermaine Dye and Kevin Kouzmanoff, who I’m actually pretty high on for the 2nd half (not huffing high, but high nevertheless). I need starters in that league (I’ve lost Rich and Shawn Hill, Wainwright and Harang, in that order. Though it could be argued that I lost Harang some time in May.), Kouz was on my bench and Dye was a waiver wire pickup in the beginning of the year who I can hopefully replace with another waiver wire pickup, so the trade was what it was.

SELL

David Ortiz - Homered yesterday in his first minor league rehab game. Time to move him. This move is not without its risk. He could return and perform well for the final two months. Obviously his “well” is better than most players’ “well.” However, it’s going on a year and a half that he’s been banged up, it’s been a while since he’s hit like the slugger that caused a whole nation to buy Big Papi pillowcases from Montpelier to Saugus, the Sox will need Papi in the playoffs so they’ll baby him with days off and after a guy hits a home run on his rehab assignment his stock is at its highest.

Joe Blanton - Usually I’m all over pitchers entering the NL. I can’t get behind picking Blahton up.

Takashi Saito - He’s done. Or not, but you shouldn’t be waiting around for him. Roster space is precious this time of year. Drop him if you don’t have DL room.

Scott Olsen - Walking too many hitters and his upcoming schedule is a minefield.

Kyle Lohse - Doooode. Seriously. I have to explain this?

Hank Blalock - See Lohse or 1/38th of an inch above.

Ryan Zimmerman - I’m just not that into him.

J.J. Putz - You know what time it is, boys and possibly one girl? It’s time to figure out what the future holds by pulling out my voodoo bloody rooster ala Angel Heart. (I almost wrote bloody cock, but you can imagine why I was hesitant to write bloody cock. There’s some things you don’t joke about; a bloody cock is on top of that list because the list is called, The Bloody Cock List of Things You Don’t Joke About. But I digress.) Looking into my bloody rooster I see Putz returning, getting a few saves that aren’t always pretty, he reports pain, the Mariners shut him down because they’ve got the worst record in the league already locked up and see no reason to risk losing their Putz.

Manny Acosta called into Razzball HQ yesterday. Here’s what he had to say, “Upon returnance, John Smoltz can have closer job back. Upon Soriano’s returnance, he can have setup role. Gonzalez wants eighth inning and lefty specialist role? He have it. I’m not a lefty anyway. I wish only good happenings to Mr. Cox, my family, my team and Jesus Cristo. I request Cox do closer by committee until Smoltz returns, because that is the most democratic. Now put me in the sixth inning, so I can avoid this mess. I wish to chillax. I have myself on one fantasy team, and let me say this, ‘I drop myself.’ Now vote Obama!” There you have it, folks. Razzball’s first big scoop. If that doesn’t make us hotter than baby stew, I don’t know what does. Not only has Acosta dropped himself, but he’s also voting Democrat. Anyway, here’s what else I saw:

Royce Ring - Relieved Acosta. I don’t think he’s going to have much value going forward. He’s a lefty specialist, ya’ll.

Jeff Bennett - Relieved Royce Ring retiring rast Radre (okay, a little forced on the alliteration). I have him on one team. The team I’m hoping sucks. Then again, I have Carlos Silva on that team and he only gave up one run against the Mariners. Then again, it was the Mariners.

Buddy Caryle - If The Kouz would’ve reached, Buddy would’ve joined the closer committee. Officially, the Bravos bullpen is filled with options, which makes the Acosta option weak at best. Wait, Acosta’s calling in again, “I told ya. Not interested in closing. Tooooo stressful. And put five ohs on ‘too.’”

Gavin Floyd - *SPOILER ALERT* He’s still not good. Let me put it this way, if he would’ve got a no-hitter, I still wouldn’t have picked him up in any leagues. He’s not a hidden gem that can replace Gallardo or Hill or Smoltz or any other starter you’ve recently lost.

Aaron Harang - Can’t blame him, he pitched well enough to win. Imagine a world where Harang pitched for the Yankees. Now imagine the Yankees played in Petco. Harang’d win twenty-five and would have already dumped Alyssa Milano like three times. Alas, the Reds score no runs every fifth day.

Ben Francisco - He can do what I thought The Big FraGu could do, but he’s going to be doing it in the same crowded outfield so he may not get enough at-bats. If he does get at-bats, he could get to 15/15 and he’s actually already in Yahoo — woo-hoo! But you don’t necessarily want him just yet, except in the deepest of leagues.

Shawn Hill - *looking for positives* Bunch of rinky-dink hits. *looking at negatives* Needs to be more economical. It’s not like he’s striking people out and he’s barely getting through the fifth.

Jacques Jones - Word he might pop up on the Padres or the Marlins. As Chicago once sang, “Look away, baby, look away.” (BTW, I wish Jones pronounced his first name like that black dude from The Real World: San Diego. That’s it; just felt like saying that.)

Wilfredo Ledezma - He’s already gone in my NL-Only league. Why? Cause he’s now the Padres’ fifth starter. Any Padres starter has value because of their home park. He replaces Germano in the rotation. And he begins dating Alyssa Milano by July.

Brian Bannister - This is closer to the type of pitcher he is, not the April guy who everyone was picking up.

Manny Corpas - Struckout Pujols. Sure, it was in the seventh inning, but I wouldn’t count him out just yet.

Felipe Lopez - Oh-for-five with four strikeouts — that’s razztastic.

Orlando Hudson - O-Dog’s hamstring is barking. He didn’t look good on Monday when he was in the starting lineup so it’s not surprising that he was sitting out yesterday’s game.

Austin Kearns - You’re not roping me in this time, Kearns. No, sir. (But he does go on hot streaks and hits home runs in bunches and he just hit a home run and… Oh, he’s roping me in again. I need a support group. Austin’s Kids? The Kearns Trauma Unit? Second Degree Kearns? I don’t know. Rudy probably will come up with something.)

Jhonny Peralta - I like seeing someone batting .219 in May. They’re due. But he’s not exactly a .300 hitter.

Jason Giambi - I really like seeing someone bat .157. But he’s not exactly a .260 hitter.

Robinson Cano - Also batting .157 (weird!). But he’s not exactly Actually, he is better. So what, he bats .310 the rest of the way? .320?

Scott Olsen - I gotta be honest, I kinda wrote him off this year, but he’s always had talent. Opponents are batting .186 against him, but his K/BB is not good and BB/9 isn’t either. A correction could be coming.

Jonathan Sanchez - He gets the Phillies next. I say, no thank you.

Josh Hamilton - If he can steer clear of injuries and crack-cocaine, he could hit 35 in Texas. But, and this is simply hypothetical, if he were to smoke crack-cocaine, I think his power would remain, but he’d probably show flashes of speed. That’s right, Josh Hamilton’s a 35/20 player if he relapses. Downside, rehab group with Dwight Gooden. Upside, first round selection next year. That’s a coin flip if I’m his agent.

Andruw Jones - Batted second yesterday. All I have to say is, “Ha!”

Blake DeWitt - Now has two home runs in two days. Tonight’s was of the inside the park variety. He doesn’t have much upside.

Santiago Casilla - Now has a save to go with his perfect ERA. Huston Street loses a fibula or some shizz by the All-Star break and he’s closing.

Jeff Mathis - Now in a 3-for-28 slump. In the world of catchers who aren’t owned, I like Dioner Navarro.

Stephen Drew - Fourth home run, should be owned in all leagues. Well, not all leagues, cause there are some that only play with the American League guys.

Ryan Ludwick - Let’s assume LaRussa’s hitting the juice again, but even he has to see Ludwick deserves to be in the starting lineup.

AJ Burnett - How about this line: 6 IP, 10Ks, 9 hits, 5 earned runs. Looked like half the team couldn’t figure him out and the other half couldn’t wait to face him.

Carlos Pena - Almost forty strikeouts. Cust kayin’.

Nate McLouth - Nine home runs?! He’s like Andy Van Slyke’s kid brother. All he needs is a prima donna LF.