Fantasy Baseball Advice

Andrew McCutchen has a mild sprain of the AC joint.  Sucks this is happening in the hottest part of the summer.  If something happened to my AC right now, I’d be so— The smart part of my brain buried under ten years of pot smoking and alcohol abuse whispers, “The AC joint has nothing to do with air conditioning.”  “Shut up, Smart Part Of My Brain.  If that’s even your real name.”  With this AC issue, he runs the risk of overheating– Smart Part Of My Brain, “No, seriously.  Google it.”  *Googling, reading WebMD, asking Smart Part Of My Brain to translate*  Oh, forget it, by the time I did all of that, the Pirates are already saying it’s a day-to-day issue.  He should be out there Monday or some time soon thereafter.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Paul Maholm – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K as he threw his 2nd career shutout.  If you know when his first career shutout was, there’s a good chance you’re Paul Maholm.

Garrett Jones – So far in July (around a .200 average) it looks like someone left Robot Jones out in the rain, but yesterday he hit his 2nd homer in five games.

Roy Oswalt – He left his start after taking a liner off his ankle.  Here’s another vote for cankles.  You goofed, God, cankles are more durable.  Oswalt didn’t immediately leave the game because his head’s obviously harder than his ankles.  He should make his next start.

Michael Brantley – 2-for-4 with his 2nd steal in three games.  For those hurting for steals, SAGNOF!

Jhonny Peralta – Hit an inside the park home run that took 16.74 seconds or slower than 5 average home run trots, according to the Home Run Tracker.  It’s obviously not easy carrying around that extra H.

Kerry Wood – Hit the DL with a blister.  Now the Indians will be lucky to trade him for $24 in trinkets.  Chris Perez is the pickup.

Alex Sanabia – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Alex, or Alejandro as he’s known within the Gaga community, is crazy raw.  So far he’s had two starts against the Nats and Diamondhacks and he’s averaging just over 4 innings per start.  At 21-years-old, I wouldn’t go near him outside of NL-Only leagues for now.  That could change.

Travis Wood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Wondering if you should get Wood?  He gets the Astros next.

Yunel Escobar – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his first home run of the season while batting .462 on the Blue Kays.  Thank God for those Canadian exchange rates!

Shaun Marcum – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I didn’t voice this on the blog, but I was worried about Marcum returning from his elbow issue.  Looks like I was just being paranoid.  Who said that?!

Rickie Weeks – 3-for-4 and two homers.  I feel like every year I drafted Weeks and he was hurt has made this year possible.  Unfortunately, I don’t own him this year.  Thanks, Weeks.  I will now walk into traffic.

Trevor Hoffman – Could someone sneak into Miller Park and put blinking lights around the “596 Saves” banner so I can pretend there’s a reason I’m holding onto Hoffman?

Corey Hart – Word on the streets of the Tony Gwynn Rotunda is the Padres are interested in Corey Hart.  SELL!!!

Matt Diaz – 3-for-4 and his third homer.  Yes, it was off a lefty.  Yes, it’s that simple.

Jack Cust – Hit his third homer in the last four games.  Grab while hot.  Cust homerin’.

Vin Mazzaro – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  That’s nice, I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.

Carlos Pena – 6 for his last 10 with 2 homers.  Is it me or has he hit his 20 homers in, like, 4 games?  Either way, he’s hot and will probably get to 25 homers by next Sunday.

David Price – 5 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks.  If you risked starting him vs. the Yankees, you paid the Price.

Andy Pettitte – Could be out for a month as he heads to the DL with a Grade 1 groin strain.  I didn’t strain my groin until Grade 7.

A.J. Burnett – Hurt his hand bursting through the clubhouse doors, after originally saying that he hurt his hand while smashing a cream pie into Swisher’s face.  Guess he was trying to impress his mom, Carol.

Vicente Padilla – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K.  I know it seems against everything you believe in, but you really should pick up Padilla.

Shin-Soo Choo – Hopes to return on Friday.  Wasn’t he supposed to be out for the rest of the season?  I have a feeling South Korea mentioned to Choo that he has military obligations if he’s not playing baseball.

Brian Roberts – Who?  Oh!  Brian Roberts, that’s right.  I think he plays 2nd base or something.  Juan Samuel, the guy they’re calling manager for now, says Roberts will return in less than 2 weeks.  If he was dropped, then take a flyer that Roberts returns at seventy-five percent.  I’m guessing it will be closer to fifty though.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-4 and his 2nd steal in the last four games.  He’s batting over .500 in the last week.  All aboard!

Jose Reyes – Last week, the Mets said Reyes wouldn’t return until he was 100% pain-free.  Now Reyes is set to return on Monday.  Does this mean Reyes is 100% pain-free or are the Mets a bunch of jokers?

Josh Beckett – Set to return on Friday.  Geez, were him and Brad Penny sharing doctors like they used to share Alyssa Milano?  I’d grab Beckett if he’s out there, but I wouldn’t start him in his first start back.

Scott Kazmir – To the DL with shoulder fatigue.  The shoulder had no comment, but it was seen waving a white flag.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-4 with his 16th homer.  Napoli generates more questions than any player about whether or not people should drop him.  I’m at a loss on how to communicate to you that you should just put a catcher, namely Napoli, in your catcher spot and let him be.  Ron Popeil said it best, “Set it and forget it.”  Obviously it’s my fault why people continue to ask whether they should drop Napoli.  So my question to you, loyal Razzball reader, is how do I communicate it better?  I can give you stats.  Napoli leads all major league catchers in homers.  On ESPN’s Player Rater, he’s a top five catcher for the season.  Oh, and his Mom once showed nipple to a room of people.  (Google “Mike Napoli” + Mom.  You’re welcome.)  What more do you need?  Help me help you.

Chris Denorfia – 4-for-4 with 2 homers.  I once dated a girl named Chris Denorfia.  That’s kinda weird.

Mat Latos – To the DL.  This was overheard this weekend in San Diego, “We have to skip Latos’ start to limit his workload, but then we’ll be left a man short.  Unless we were to enter his dream-within-a-dream-within-a-dream-within-a-dream and tell him to say he hurt his oblique while sneezing.”

The other day I went over some 2nd half hitters.  Today, it’s time for everyone’s favorite 2nd half fantasy baseball pitchers.  Or maybe these won’t be your favorite pitchers.  These are decisions you have to make on your own.  I can walk you to the fantasy baseball water, I cannot drink it for you.  Similarly to hitters, players get in grooves or slumps.  So if a pitcher has been terrible for the last month, but showed flashes in the 2nd half of last year, he’s worth considering, but he’s not suddenly going to be great, i.e., recent history should be weighed.  Anyway, here’s some 2nd half fantasy baseball pitchers for 2010:

CC Sabathia – 1.56 ERA in 2008′s 2nd half to lead the league for pitchers over 60 innings.  He was ranked 7th for 2nd half ERA in 2007 with a 2.76.  Last year, Chubb rock’d a 2.74 ERA, the 9th best in the majors.  Though his K-rate is down.  Though, Part II:  The Return of Though, he does have a 3.61 career ERA.  Though, Part III: Though Lives, he is usually better in the 2nd half.  Though, Part IV:  Though Part Three Confused Me.  Though, Part V:  Why Do They Keep Making Thoughs?

Jorge de la Rosa – In 2008, dlR’s 1st half was 7.26 ERA vs. a 2nd half 3.08 ERA.  Last year, he had a 3.46 ERA in the P.S. to the All-Star break.

Ubaldo Jimenez – Hasn’t been great recently…  Neverthehoo!  For the last three years, he’s been better in the 2nd half.  And that’s me combing over Ubaldo!

Roy Oswalt – Didn’t have a good post-All-Star break last year, but in his last three years prior, he shaves nearly a full run off his ERA in the 2nd half and that’s including last year’s bleh one.

Scott Kazmir – Second best ERA in the 2nd half in 2007.  I know what you’re thinking.  I had the 2nd best list of fantasy baseball pitchers for the 2nd half until I put Kazmir on the list.  Fair enough.  He skipped 2008 with injuries.  Then he was better in the 2nd half last year too.

Scott Baker – Sticking with the Scott theme, Baker had a 2nd half 3.28 ERA vs. 5.42 in the 1st half.  In the last three years, a 2nd half ERA of 3.38  vs. 4.80 in the 1st half.

Bronson Arroyo – I’ve been covering his 1st and 2nd half splits too much now.  People are going to start to think I really like him.  He still doesn’t strikeout anyone.  His 2nd half ERA over the last three years is more than 2 runs lower.  Okay, that’s enough!

Ricky Nolasco – In the 2nd half of ’08, he struckout ninety-eight hitters and only issued 12 walks… 105 Ks to 23 walks in 2009… That RN is just what the doctor ordered.

Finally, Jacoby Ellsbury hits the DL.  This is probably a DL trip of less than a week.  At least the Sawx hope so.  Was also revealed Mike Cameron will miss a few weeks with a strained abdomen. (Shouldn’t it be a strained abdoman?)  If Cameron needs surgery, he could miss up to two months.  Darnell McDonald was called up.  Darnell McDonald is the answer to the question, “Who is Darnell McDonald?”  Other questions his name could’ve answered were, “Who’s the thirty-one year prospect in the outfield?” “This is the Red Sox depth?” and “Wait, what?”  Old McDonald has some speed…. ei, ei, ei, oh, no, you don’t want him.  Sure, he had the game-tying homer and the game-winning single off the wall, but he’s far from fantasy worthy at this point outside of very deep leagues.  Also called up, Josh Reddick.  Let’s cover him on the other side of the formality, shall we?  C’mon, follow me over this “anyway” sentence.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josh Reddick – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs.  Here’s what Stephen said last month in the Red Sox minor league review, “Reddick has the potential for more power, especially with a high fly ball rate (49.5%).  With the announcement of Mike Cameron going to be out for a month on April 20th at 11:47 AM EST, Reddick should get a chance.”  Okay, I just got chills.  How did Stephen know that last month?!  He practices voodoo!  Reddick hasn’t done anything special this year in Triple-A.  Hitting .179 and one homer.  The one homer did come in only seven hits.  If you need pop, I’d grab Reddick in deep leagues, especially AL-Only ones.  He could also chip in a few steals.  Right now, he should see time in center while Ellsbury mends, then he could split time with Hermida and/or Drew.  Or he could be the first man off the bench.  Grab now, ask questions later.

Jeremy Hermida – 2-for-3 and a homer.  He’ll also get a boost in playing time.  Hermida was a big favorite of mine before I started the blog.  My PIN number used to be 15628, which was Hermida’s home address where I used to stalk him.  Restraining order and 3 uneventful years later, Hermida’s got some esplaining to do with his bat.  After two homers in two days, he’s worth grabbing if you need some power/RBI help.

Victor Martinez – 3-for-4 as he combined with Tim Wakefield to allow 9 steals.  Two by Vlad, who hasn’t been able to bend his knee since ‘Nam.  That’s just the Red Sox investing in defense.

Nelson Cruz – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and 3 steals.  Left with leg cramping, must be that time of the month.  No word yet on the severity.

Elvis Andrus – 0-for-2, 3 steals as he continues to leadoff.  On one of the steals, Andrus slide into second, realized he forgot his wallet, went back to first and still got into second under the tag.  Oh, and it was a pitch out.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Salty should be back in about a week, barring a setback.  Or setbacchia.  Salty should take over for Teagarden and could save you some of your rotisserie catcher issues.

Frank Francisco – 1 IP, 1 ER and the loss as Frank-Frank continues to suck-suck.

Edinson Volquez – Tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs.  As frequent commenter Clyde Prompto said, “I can’t believe I was combing the internet all day to find out who the suspended player was and it turned out to be Edinson Volquez.  I was intrigued by the initial story, found some exciting possibilities during my research, and was ultimately extremely disappointed in the outcome.  I feel like I just lived through the fantasy baseball equivalent of an episode of Ghost Hunters.”  Volquez was on the DL until late-July anyway, so this really does nothing to his value.  If anything, I kinda like the gumption of an injured player PED’ing his way back from recovery since he can’t lose any additional time.  It’s similar to the prisoners beating up Madoff.  What, you’re going to punish me more?  Please, it’s shank time.

Drew Stubbs – 0-for-5 with no walks and one steal.  If I had to assign a line to Stubbs, that would be it.

Chad Billingsley – 3 IP, 4 ER, 7 hits, no walks, no breaking ball and a fastball that wouldn’t even win an oversized SpongeBob at the county fair.  He might be headed for a visit soon to see Dr. Freeze.  He gets the Nats next, so, like a gambler who can’t leave the table even as he loses every hand, I’ll be rolling the dice on his next start.  And I’d fix that mixed metaphor, but I’m too old; I’m too tired; I’m too effin’ annoyed with Billingsley.

Matt Kemp – 2-for-5 as he hit his 6th homer.  He’s been caught stealing 4 times already.  Not sure if anyone’s going to put the brakes on him, but, assuming they don’t, I’m guessing he’s going for 30/30 this year.  And making it.

Rafael Furcal – 2-for-5, 2 steals.  Barring injuries, there’s no reason to think he’s not back.  So when you ask me if you should go with Schmohawk Shortstop Behind Door #3 or Furcal… I’m going Furcal.

Jorge Cantu – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer.  Cantu was terrific last April too, so it could be a guise.  Don’t fall for the perfume and makeup.  Cantu has an Adam’s Apple.

Lance Berkman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs as the Astros scored more runs in this game than all of their other games combined.  Don’t worry, they still have 6 holes in their lineup.

Chris Coghlan – 2-for-4 and a steal.  I don’t like him at all, but he might be finally heating up.  He will hit better than his current .140.

Mike Pelfrey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  His K-rate prior to 2010 was pretty poor.  Even this year, it’s only a little above his career mark.  His biggest adjustment so far seems to be his ability to avoid the homer ball and leave men on base.  He won’t continue to leave men on base, but he can maintain his small strikeout and homer gains. You’re not looking at a total breakout, but he can be usable as a 4th fantasy starter, especially in Metco.

Jose Reyes – 4-for-5 and a steal.  Thank God, the shipment of Red Bull finally arrived.

Nate McLouth – 1-for-3 as he hit the game winning homer.  McLousy’s always been a very streaky player and he was battling some health issues in training camp.  Might finally be feeling 100%.

Ryan Madson – 1 IP, 3 ER, blown save and has an ERA of 7.71 on the year.  Not sure why it took me so long to realize it, but I think Madson’s a Cuddle Boy.

David Aardsma – Recorded his 6th perfect save.  Member all the people in the preseason who were like, “Grey, your mustache has gone to your head, yo.  Aardsma is crizzap!”  Yeah, they’re off trolling the ESPN message boards now.

Milton Bradley – Left the game with an injury.  Or he left the game to beat the crap out of someone.  No word as of post time.

Vernon Wells – Hit his 7th homer yesterday.  I think he hits 17 and is out for a month with a random injury, but I give up.  He could hit 25 homers this year.

Justin Maxwell – 2-for-5, as he continues to platoon with Willie Harris.  Is Maxwell going to explode?  Get smart!  He does have sneaky 10/25 potential with an every day job.

Mike Gonzalez – To meet with Dr. Freeze.  Hope everyone has their hands on Johnson.  Hmm… Probably could’ve reworded that.

Jonathan Sanchez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I’m pretty pissed I don’t own him in any leagues.  Oh, wait.  I own him across more teams than any other player.  Him and…

Chase Headley – 1-for-2 with 3 steals as he hits .358.  I don’t have the time or the energy, but there’s at least three dozen preseason comments of mine about how I refused to pay/reach for a 3rd baseman so I targeted Headley everywhere.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  As long as he keeps pitching like this, he can keep spelling his first name like he lost a Scrabble tile.

Ryan Ludwick – 3-for-4, 2 homers yesterday.  Could be the start of a hot streak.  If someone grew bored of him, grab him off waivers.

Mark Reynolds – 1-for-2, homer and a steal.  See that, Mini Donkey just needed some goading from me.

Kelly Johnson – 3-for-6 as he continues to hit leadoff.  That’s it.  I’m not talking about him again for at least two weeks.  Do what you do.

Chad Qualls – Worked a perfect inning for the save.  I’ve dropped Gutierrez everywhere for Fister. (Then I dropped Fister for Ryota Igarashi during the “It might be K-Rod who took PEDs!” fiasco of  April 20th.)

Justin Masterson – 4 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  You know what?  Against this team, it wasn’t the worst start.  His defense and some wildness let him down.

Kevin Slowey – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I own Slowey on a lot of teams too.  I nearly picked him for the Cy Young.  I don’t think he’s eating the hirame.

Gio Gonzalez – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 5 Ks, 8 baserunners, 5 BBs.  You kinda asked for this if you threw him against the Yankees.

Rick Porcello – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 5 Ks.  Porcello went mushaboom, Feist.  I own Porcello on one team, my Razzball team where I’m trying to accumulate the worst stats.

Scott Kazmir – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 Ks.  You, “Kazmir is so nasty.  I’m so glad I have him.  He’s perhaps my favorite player ever.  I’ll trade you him for Jay Bruce.”  Or at least that’s the ideal you.

Jeff Mathis – To the DL with a fractured wrist, will miss at least 6 weeks.  You know whose time it is now to catch?  Bobby Wilson!  Or maybe that Napoli character.  Yesterday, Scioscia went with Napoli and was nice enough to bat him ninth.  True story, the Angels placed Napoli not Mathis on the All-Star Ballot.  Scioscia was the one that submitted him.  With the game playing at Anaheim this year, I can only assume Scioscia was trying to make the fans happy with Napoli’s inclusion on the ballot and exclusion from every game.

Robinson Cano hit his third and fourth homer yesterday.  He’s now batting .395.  This will probably sound homeless-person-crazy since we’re only 12 days into the young season, but I think Cano could win the MVP and will win the batting title.  You thought Pedroia’s MVP season was nice from a fantasy standpoint?  How’s .330 and 30 homers coming from your 2nd baseman?  You like that?  What, you want it a little higher?  Okay, how’s .335?  Yeah, that feels good, doesn’t it?  I have Cano’s 2010 projections at 90/27/100/.315/5.  Hold those numbers up to the light and they sing gospel songs that will make your ears smile.  And Cano can exceed those numbers.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Gonzalez – CarGo sounds like he’ll be shipped off to the DL. I’m officially a bad person because I’d be happy to see him get DL’d since I don’t own him anywhere.  Hey, Glockenspiel, what’s that speck on the map of Grey’s soul?  It’s a tiny city-state.  What’s the city-state called, Glockenspiel?  It’s called Schadenfreude!  This will mean more time for Seth Smith.  He’ll be covered more in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Keep refreshing.  It’ll appear.

Jorge de la Rosa – 6 IP, 4 ER, 13 baserunners.  Why you little Whipper Crapper!

Bud Norris – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  It’s been said Chuck Norris could win at Connect Four in 3 moves.  Well, Bud Norris can strike out 9 in 5 innings (albeit using 100 pitches and walking 3 or 4).

Mat Latos – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners.  See Jorge de la Rosa or an inch above.  Seriously, throw these three and Gio Gonzalez into a blender and you have one messy WHIP.   I like Ks, but at what price?

Astros Hitters – As a team, the Astros have 2 homers through 9 games.  Someone should take some egg whites and fold them into the Nats.  Two birds, one lemon meringue pie.  Even if Ed Wade’s toupee were pitching against the Astros, I’d start it in mixed leagues.

Carlos Zambrano – 5 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners.  Eh, Big Z’s a mediocre pitcher pitching mediocre, so not much to say, but he did make me think of something.  Member the Lil’ Penny Nike campaign?  Of course you do.  Put down your Razzhand.  Okay, so my question is why is there no Lil’ Z to go with Big Z?  We need a claymation expert, stat!  Lil’ Z can be on top of the Gatorade while Big Z’s flipping out.  “Look at you, the big bad man beating up a lemon-lime container!  Now everyone’s thirsty!  Sweet Lou’s gonna get sour!  You big dummy!” Hmm… My Lil’ Z sounds a bit like Redd Foxx, but we can work on that.

Derrek Lee – Returned and homered.  That is all.

Scott Kazmir – 4 IP, 6 ER.  I’m sure his owners are happy to have him back.

Casey McGehee – 1-for-3 with his third homer.  He’s in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, too.  Yes, I am pimping it a bit because there’s an announcement in there you’re gonna wanna read.

Mike Gonzalez – He’s now going to be out about a month.  My guess is Jim Johnson is getting saves still at the end of May.

Adam LaRoche – Sat out with a tight quad.  That’s what she said!  Hey, that made more sense this time.

Chad Qualls – Second blown save in a row.  Juan Gutierrez is the backup for you save vultures.  I already grabbed him in two leagues.

Daric Barton – 2-for-5 as he hits .343 on the year.  He has little power, but you can do worse in OBP leagues.

Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs with his third homer.  I own him in one league and you know what?  Loving Choo is easy cause you’re beautiful.

David Huff – 9 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  There’s some pitchers you grab, there’s other pitchers you let others grab.  Huff falls in the latter group, but could move to the former.  His 2008 K-rate and walk rate were decent in Triple-A, but he lost all those gains last year.  Worth watching to see if he can string some starts together, but I have my doubts.

Matt Harrison – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  His minor league K-rate is pretty bleh.  I wouldn’t bother outside of AL-Only leagues.

Elvis Andrus – 1-for-3, hitting leadoff.  This will mean less Runs for Borbon, but as long as he’s getting on base and stealing them, I wouldn’t worry.  I think I predicted Andrus would move to the top of the order by the middle of April.  Natch!  Actually, the prediction might’ve been for Alcides, but he’s moved up for some games, as well.  Natch point!

Cameron Maybin – 3-for-4 and a homer as he hits .310 on the year with 2 steals.  Looks like Maybin may be in (stutterer!) for a breakout.

Josh Johnson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  His porn star brother, Gosh Johnson, would be proud.

Alexei Ramirez – Homered yesterday.  It is still early, and he usually doesn’t start playing until May, but I’m not sure how much I believe you’re ever going to fully enjoy owning Alexei.

Travis Snider – Hallelujah!  Snider hit a homer yesterday.  I still think he could go back to striking out every fifth AB.  The potential is there though.

Fred Lewis – The Blue Jays acquired Lewis.  If this doesn’t push them over the Yanks, Sawx and Rays, I don’t know what does.

J.A. Happ – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 BBs as sabermetricians cry onto their calculators.  Here’s a clean BABIP, wipe those tears away.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-4, and a steal as he batted second.  Man, that was long overdue.  I hope we’re not heading down FeLopezian territory where every time I think about dropping Desmond he does just enough to buy himself some more time.

Ryan Zimmerman – After sitting out the last couple, he snuck into the game for a pinch hit homer.  Yeah, you got sonavabenched.  It’s all right, so did I with…

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Sonavabench!  But he was going against the Red Sox!  He gave up 5 BBs to the White Sox in his last start.  It was the right call to bench him for the Red Sox.  Why do you hate me fantasy baseball gods?  Is it because I don’t capitalize gods?  Was it my crack about Jim Abbot two months ago?  I apologize to you and commenter, IowaCubs.  Please, embrace me again!  The rain makes me shiver.  Don’t let me shiver.  Okay, thanks for letting me vent.  Liriano goes against the Indians next time out.  Yes, please.  Though, he could go against the 1927 Yankees featuring a 2001 time traveling Barry Bonds and I’d start Liriano.  I’ve learned my lesson!

Jacoby Ellsbury – Can’t breath without sharp pain in his side.  Obviously, not a good thing.  He may end up *pinkie to mouth* D’Ellsburied.

Edwin Encarnacion – Will be out a few days with a sore arm.  If only he were a bigger star, so I could’ve used the title, “Clipped Edwing.”

Jose Guillen – Revealed yesterday that he almost died in 2009.  The Royals had the day  off and Guillen’s not hitting homers, so he reveals this?  Sounds like someone might be getting addicted to the press coverage.  This is how Heidi Montag started.  Before you know it, Butler won’t be the only one with a size C rack.

Miguel Montero is out with a torn meniscus.  I can think of other cuss words that his owners may be thinking right now.  A knee problem seems like a bad thing for a guy who’s supposed to be crouching for 9 innings.  Like a can’t-Catch 22.  Montero was a popular sleeper pick to enter the premium catcher tier of Mauer/Martinez/McCann after a strong 2nd half, but the only thing he’ll have in common is the M factor.  It’s unclear if he’ll be out for at least a month or longer.  Either way, Snyder now has a full time gig.  And that’s about where the good news ends.  Don’t get caught up in the Montero afterglow.  Snyder has a career .233 average in over fourteen hundred at-bats and averages about 15 homers over a full season of ABs.  So, ya know, you can probably do better even if Chris Snyder hit a homer yesterday with 5 RBIs in Arizona’s blowout (last time Arizona scored that much on Pittsburgh was the Super Bowl).  Actually, Snyder’s a surefire top 10 catcher if he gets 100 more games against the Pirates.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Frank Francisco – I go about buying closers like I buy wine.  I pick up a closer.  Swirl it around in my glass, take a quick waft and whiff then I guzzle it.  Two Buck Chuck tastes the same to me as a twenty-year-old Bordeaux.  In fact, I don’t even know if a twenty-year-old Bordeaux is good.  I’m guessing and too lazy to Google it.  I’ll drink a red wine with chicken, a Chardonnay with a Nathan all-beef frank.  Doesn’t matter to me.  Mad Dog 20/20 and ice passes the “cheap and it will get me drunk” test.  So it’s only natural I ended up with a bunch of cheap closers.  Frank-Frank was one of them.  Belch.  Frank² is out for the near future in favor of Neftali Feliz.  Could Feliz run with the job and end up having it all year?  Yup.  Frank-Frank went womp-womp.  I wouldn’t drop Francisco yet, except in the shallowest of leagues.

Ryan Zimmerman – Hamstring issue and he’s going to miss a few days.  Adam Kennedy will finally get his chance to show that his 4617 career at-bats were a fluke.

Brian Roberts – Expects to miss about a week with a strained abdominal muscle.  That’s the good news.  The bad news is it really feels like this is headed to be a mess of a season for Roberts.  First the back, now the abdominal, next you’re looking at your fantasy team in September and wondering why you ever held onto Roberts.  At the first sign of good news, I’d look to move him.

Mike Gonzalez – You know when you’re trying to do your friends a solid by giving them a ride home when they’re drunk and then they vomit in your car and your car smells like vomit for years later reminding you that it’s always better to be the drunken idiot than the designated driver?  Vomit in this case has been Mike Gonzalez’s pitching for the last week.  The car in this case has been your team ERA.  A few times on site I told you about my concerns with Gonzalez.  Managers don’t like lefties as their closer.  Jim Johnson is a must own and, unfortunately, Gonzalez is a must hold for now.  He’ll be given a few, much needed days off.

Aaron Hill – Out until early this week with a sore hammy, which sounds like Ms. Piggy right before she hi-yah’s.

Travis Snider – Looks like a three outcome player:  ground into DP, strikeout, pop-up.

Kevin Gregg – Picked up two saves this weekend because the Jays had five save chances in the last five games.  Frasor’s still the closer, but this makes it obvious who the Jays would turn to in the event Frasor losses his shizz.  But if the Jays turned to Gregg then the Jays would lose their shizz and then the closer job would be up in the air again.  Anyway, it’s still Frasor.

Roy Halladay – Zero earned runs and 8 Ks vs. an Astros lineup which featured Cory Sullivan as their three hitter.  The Astros would’ve been better off if they auto-drafted.

Brad Lidge – Hit hard in his rehab start.  Ma nishtanah…

Charlie Haeger – 6 IP, 3 ER.  He had 12 Ks, but Haegar’s day wasn’t wrinkle-free.   He throws a knuckler and you can never trust a knuckleballer.  Some days Haeger will throw 12 Ks, other days he’ll give up 7 runs in two innings.

Franklin Gutierrez – 2-for-4 as he bats .444 with 2 steals.  He’s now batting 3rd vs. lefties and 4th vs. righties.  The Big FraGu is headed for top 40 outfielder value this year.  I own him on multiple teams if that makes it less awkward for you.

Josh Willingham – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs yesterday after he was invigorated with his appearance in Friday’s Buy/Sell on the right side, which is the left.

Johan Santana – 5 IP, 5 ER, 3 Ks vs. the Nats.  Okay, the Nats are better on offensive than they’ve been, but in Metco?  Seriously?

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-3, hitting .476 on the year.  I’m guessing that comes down.  But he’s still only 26-years-old.  If this is indeed his coming out party, it would be more shocking than Ricky Martin’s, but not completely shocking.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper’s return date was pushed when he hurt his back testing his strained oblique.  Chipper’s like a giant injury domino.

Clay Buchholz – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K as he squeaked out the win.  Wasn’t a great start vs. the Royals.  I’d hold onto him for another couple of starts and hope for the best against the Rays next time out.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Left the game with a rib injury.  Reminded me of this time I was at Tony Roma’s… Oh, wait.  Ellsbury’s day-to-day as of post time, but I won’t blink until I get an update (because I’ll be sleeping).

Scott Podsednik – 2-for-4, 2 steals.  Now has 4 steals on the year.  SAGNOF!

Jose Guillen – 2-for-4 with 2 HRs while Billy Butler had one WTF (warning track fly).

Mike Leake – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks, 11 baserunners with 7 BBs.  Dusty, the Übermensch, limited Leake to 106 pitches.  Don’t think Leake can be relied on to not roofie you, but in the right matchups and deep enough leagues, I’d look at him.

Aroldis Chapman – Struck out 9 in four and two-thirds in Triple A.  Aroldis can have a 2009 Tommy Hanson-type impact when he’s called up.  Expect the phone to ring around June.

Chris Perez – 1 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, blown save.  Four walks and a wild pitch.  Hey, Mike Gonzalez, that’s not how you blow a save, this is how you blow a save.

Grady Sizemore – Scratched on Sunday due to back tightness.  See, I usually do that for back itchiness.  Sizemore should be fine this week.

Trevor Hoffman – 1 IP, 3 ER with the blown save.  I’ve had Frank-Frank, a Mike G. disjoint and Hoffman brain freezes on multiple teams.  Rub your Razzhands together and send me the strength.

Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 6 ER, 3 Ks.  Can’t someone sneak into Verlander’s hotel room and switch all his calenders to May?

Lastings Milledge – 3-for-5, but not so much about what he did yesterday.  He’s now hitting third in the lineup.  Deep leagues, you could do worse.

Kelly Johnson – HR yesterday, hitting near .400 over the first week of the season.  He’ll be batting in the top half of the order by next week.

Krispie Young – HR yesterday.  TCBY — what’s that stand for, you ask?  It stands for That’s Chris B. Young.  We’re not talking about fro-yo, yo.  Own Krispie, immediately.

Scott Kazmir – Set to return Thursday vs. the Yankees.  Guy can’t even get injured right.  He can’t have a small setback and return right after the Yankees series?

Jake Fox – Unathletic like a Fox got the start at catcher on Sunday.  Four more to go for eligibility in Yahoo leagues.  Probably will happen by mid-May.

Carlos Gonzalez – Left the game with hamstring tightness.  Jim Tracy yanked Fowler off of chatroulette and inserted him into the game.  Fowler might see more action if CarGo is a no go.

Miguel Olivo – 2-for-4 with a homer and a steal yesterday.  This came a day after Iannetta homered.  This looks like a straight timeshare with both guys getting 15+ homers and 300 ABs.  I’m running both guys out there in separate leagues.  It don’t matter, just don’t fight it.

Barry Bonds – Said he was proud of McGwire’s return to baseball.  That’s the Bad Housekeeping Seal of Approval.

Chase Headley – 2-for-4 as he bats .440 in the first week.  I’m Drooly McDroolystein for this guy right now, but the real test will come in home games.  The real test comes this week.

Chris Young – Still feels soreness in shoulder and will now go on the DL.  It’s unfortunate there’s only one doctor in the San Diego area tall enough to treat him and he’s busy doing a tonsillectomy on a giraffe at the San Diego Zoo.