Fantasy Baseball Advice

Corey Hart is out for up to a month with an appendectomy.  My college roommate had an appendectomy and he returned from the hospital in 24 hours and back to drinking Olde E forties with me by Friday, which is what we called Tuesday.  Bill Hall will be recalled (Score one for NL pitchers) and Frank Catalanotto will see time in right field (score one for the Catalanottos).  Good thing the Brewers traded for Gerut.  Who?  Hey, you sound like Ken Macha!  I expect the Hart will go on in September.  If he gives you his biggest month of the season then, it’ll be about 4 homers and 4 steals for the month.  Whoopie!  If Hart’s still on your team, now’s as good a time as any to cut him, unless you have DL room.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Kinsler – Just hit the DL.  Usually he doesn’t turn into a pumpkin for another twenty games.  Kinsler was in Friday’s Buy/Sell.  Betcha can guess which side of the slash he fell on.

Neftali Feliz – Called up to come out of the bullpen.  Yes, he’s flippin’ awesome.  I know.  But out of the bullpen?  Eh.  If your league’s deep enough, I guess I could see it, but I’m not running out to grab him.

Frank Francisco – Activated and set up C.J. Wilson, who got the save.  Should be about a week until Francisco’s the closer again.  And about a week and a half until he’s back on the DL.

Scott Feldman – 7 IP, 2 ER and his 10th win.  Incredible.  Three of my starters together don’t have 10 wins and this schmohawk does.  Feldman who has 58 Ks in 119 2/3 innings.  I hate wins.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2 HRs in his last three games.  If it’s a hot streak, it’s long overdue.

Ian Snell – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 Ks, 6 baserunners.  Got the start for the M’s vs. the Rangers.  I don’t mind a pickup of Snell in 12 team leagues, but he gets the Rays then the Yanks in his next two starts.

Chad Billingsley – Left the game with a cramp.  Aw, it’s that time of the month.  He should be ready for his next start.

Casey Blake – Had problems swinging a bat during batting practice, now he’s headed for X-rays on his hand.  Coulda called me, I own X-ray glasses.  Thank you, back of a comic book.

Matt Kemp – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs with a homer from the five hole.  This was his first homer of the year while batting above the 6th spot. (<–Torre supplied that info.)

Scott Downs – To the DL.  What I don’t get is why was Downs the closer anyway?  It’s not like he has some absurd contract cough B.J. Ryan cough.  Jason Frasor takes over the job he should’ve had anyway.  I’d own Frasor in any league.

Scott Rolen – Beaned on the helmet by a pitch.  Phillies fans can’t believe it took that long for the voodoo doll work.  Rolen should be fine.  Phew…  The Reds playoff hopes are counting on him going 120/50/120/.450 and pitching 30 no-hitters in the last two months.

Drew Sutton – 2-for-5, has SS eligibility and 15/15 type appeal.  Do I think he can reach those numbers?  I have my doubts.  But Dusty hit him leadoff all weekend and Dusty is CRAZY enough to keep him there.  Worth a flier in NL-Only leagues, keeper and otherwise.  (Dusty gets crazy in caps, you shouldn’t have to ask.)

Jon Garland – 9 IP, 2 ER vs. Guess who.  The Mets.  C’mon, these are gimmes…  Kinda like starts vs. the Mets.

Miguel Montero – 3-for-5 as he hit cleanup.  Hinch, you don’t hit a catcher cleanup then platoon him with Chris Snyder.  I’m not sure why the D’Backs are forcing Snyder into the lineup every other day or so, but Miguel Montero’s value is taking a hit.  I’m sure Tonya Harding’s available (and cheap) if anyone wants to send her to the desert looking for Snyder.

Ty Wigginton – HR yesterday.  As I mentioned in Friday’s Buy/Sell, he goes from Mr. Wigginton to Dr. Donkowitz in August.  Why?  Beats the shizz out of me.

Ronnie Cedeno – HR yesterday with the Pirates.  All he needed was a change of scenary… And 120 MPH winds blowing out.

Elijah Dukes – Trouble’s back in the town called Malice.  Riggleman says Dukes will get the majority of starts and he should.  Definitely worth a flier in 12 team leagues and deeper.

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER.  Unfortunately, he pitched against Brian Bannister, who looked like his brother Bruce.  Would’ve been nice to get the win, but I was just happy to see Shields dominate.  Baby steps, Bob, baby steps.

Mark Buehrle – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Now that’s how you make a correction to your season stats.

Gordon Beckham – I was getting some shizz in our fantasy baseball forums for pushing people to pick up Beckham.  In July, he hit .330 with 3 homers and 3 steals.  That’s kinda good for a guy who has shortstop eligibility.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 7 for his last 17 with two homers.  A’la Cher from Clueless, “AS-drubal!”

Bud Norris – 7 IP, 5 Ks, 4 walks, 2 hits.  That’s the problem.  The walks.  I suppose I’d own him for his next start, but I don’t think he’s going to have a rotation spot for much longer and he’s still a rookie and liable to roofie you.

Kendry Morales – 2 HRs, 6 RBIs.  March Grey told you he was a sleeper.  (Please ignore June Grey that told you to Sell him.  June Grey was phoning it in from a methadone clinic.  It was a dark time.)

Jered Weaver – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 Ks.  Sure would be nice to see him throw a game where he doesn’t give up 4+ earned, but the 11 Ks vs. the Twins is pretty impressive.

Orlando Cabrera – 1-for-3, HR yesterday as he batted 2nd.  He hit near .400 in July. (Ted Williams, “Unfreeze me when you do it over an entire season.”)  I’m not a huge fan of a guy who has light power and diminishing speed, but you can probably do worse at SS.

Ricky Romero – 7 IP, 2 ER vs. the A’s was a nice matchup and, for the rest of the season, Romero has matchup potential, but I think the Jays will have to begin to limit his innings.

Casey McGehee – Well, lookie what the MI schmohawk cat dragged in.  McGehee hit 2 homers in the last four games and has been playing regularly at 3rd base.

Eugenio Velez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs.  Not  sure why, but I have a special place in my heart for Velez.  Maybe because he’s a buck thirty soaking wet.  Potatoes to chips, Velez is hitting near .500 over the last week.

Cole Hamels – 5 IP, 6 ER.  Did you really just get out-pitched by Barry Zito?  For shamels.

Jake Fox – Of course he hit a homer yesterday, he started.   I’m not what you would call a person who gets involved.  I yell, “Hands free,” to people who are talking on their cellphone while they’re driving, but that’s about the extent of my community involvement.  But if I were, say, a person who takes action, I’d start a campaign to make Jake Fox the catcher.

Victor Martinez – 5-for-6, 4 RBIs as the Red Sox won 18-10.  Without V-Mart, the Red Sox would’ve won 14-10.  Even the Yankees disapprovingly shook their heads mumbling, “Enough’s enough.”

David Ortiz – 0-for-5, 1 RBI.  Ticker Tease!

Clay Buchholz – 4 IP, 7 ER.  When you’re working with a 14 run cushion… Well… You gave him a shot.  It just didn’t work out.  I’d let him figure it out on someone else’s team.

Melky Cabrera – Hit for the cycle yesterday.  The guy who took four minutes to design “Got Melky” t-shirts at Cafepress is ecstatic.

Carlos Ruiz and angry Philly fans have a new battery mate in Cliff Lee, as he was traded from the Indians along with Ben Francisco. Going the other way were a slew of prospects, including my fave, Carlos Carrasco.  J.P. Ricciardi thought the Indians should’ve held out for Howard, Utley and Rollins.  Now to finalize this deal, Cliff should change his name to Phil.  Cliff Lee’s value takes a small boost, but he has a 3.14 ERA already.  You’ll take a low 3 ERA and love it.  You know who else gets a nice boost from this trade?  Matt LaPorta.  The MLP Package should get the call up to play with Francisco leaving his starts in, well, Cleveland.  Though the MLP Package should’ve been up and playing already and that hasn’t really happened yet.  Keep an eye on LaPorta in mixed 12 team leagues and deeper, because when he gets called up, he’ll be worth owning.  In some leagues, I’d even do a preemptive grab.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Freddy Sanchez – Traded to the Giants.  Sanchez’s value stays about the same.  Finally, the Giants have a 2nd baseman.  Now if they only had a 1st baseman, shortstop and three outfielders, they’d be all set.  The Giants must’ve thought to themselves, “Hey, if the Dodgers can compete with essentially the same quality 2nd baseman as Sanchez, why can’t we?”  A wise man once said that, “If Freddy Sanchez is an upgrade to your offense, you need a lot more than just Freddy Sanchez.”  That wise man was me.

Tim Alderson – Was the prospect that the Pirates got for Sanchez.  Scouting the Unknown has already gone over Tim Alderson.  The Cliff Notes version is, “Tim Alderson very good.  For Freddy Sanchez?  Giants idiots.”

Ian Snell – Headed to Safeco with Jack Wilson (blech) for Jeff Clement and Ronny Cedeno (blech x 2).  Jack Wilson for Ronny Cedeno is like trading a wiffle bat for a foam bat.  Snell though is intriging.  He was decent for about a year in Pittsburgh.  Going to Safeco and a fairly weak AL West isn’t terrible for his value. (The AL West weak?  The Mariners are contenders and they traded for Jack Wilson.  ‘Nuff said.)  Would I pick Snell up?  Nope, not yet.  But I’ll be watching him as he mows ‘em down in Tacoma.

Jeff Clement – He’ll be in the minors at first at, um, first, but if he gets the call he’ll be worth looking since he has catcher eligibility.  More than likely, he won’t steal ABs from Doumit, unless Doumit gets hurt, which has a decent chance of happening every day Doumit gets out of bed.  Clement will probably work his way into the 1st base mix when, or if, he gets called up.

Lastings Milledge – Argh, enough Pirates news already.  Milledge is supposed to be recalled on Friday.

Matt Cain – 9 IP, 0 ER and a no decision.  Glad to see that trade for Garko has added some much needed punch.

Roy Halladay – 7 IP, 3 ER.  J.P. Ricciardi asked Halladay to give up a few runs so no one would meet his demands.  Part of the master plan!

Jose Lopez – HR yesterday.  Usually he hits homers in bunches.

Adam Jones – Last week, I pointed out how Jones was hot again.  This week, he has 3 straight games with a homer.

Chris Tillman – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Eh, he looked a’ight.  Touched up for a few long balls and left some pitches up in the zone that could have led to a worse line.  Vs. the Royals you’d like to see a bit more, but he’s a rookie.  If you wanna try for the upside, you have to take on the risk.  Vs. the AL East?  I wouldn’t bother in one year leagues, except for matchups.

Jim Johnson – He entered the 8th in a save situation then the O’s added on, so Johnson stayed in and got the save.  Doesn’t mean he’s now the closer, but it may mean he’s next in line.  Which is good to know, ya know?

Joba Chamberlain – 8 IP, 0 ER.  Now three great starts in a row where he’s looked less like his mother’s son.

David Ortiz – DNP as Lowell DH’d and LaRoche played 1st.  The LaRoche Situation™ is costing all of these guys playing time.

Aaron Harang – 7 IP, 7 ER.  Not pretty, obviously, but after being touched up in the 1st inning, he threw 6 scoreless until Dusty left him in there too long.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 Ks, 2 baserunners.  Very encouraging start from the young pitcher, but keep in mind he only threw 86 pitches.  On most nights, 86 pitches won’t get you through the 7th inning.  But as a HopdgePadre?  Get on the train!

Edward Mujica – Well, that cleared that up.  He’s no longer in the running for the closer job if Bell moves, because Mujica’s taking Geer’s spot in the rotation.  Mujica will be limited to 60 pitches so he’s not a wise investment.

Andruw Jones – 2 HRs. Oh, and having a better season than Josh Hamilton.

Scott Feldman – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, while looking more like his brother, Corey.

Curtis Granderson – 2 HRs.  I feel like Grandy’s putting together a very solid season (22 HRs/17 steals) and it’s going by pretty unnoticed.  Not sure why.  Is it because he’s batting .259?  Cause I’ll take a .240 average from a guy who’s on his way to a 30/25 season.

Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 3 ER, 13 Ks and his 12th win.  He has 172 Ks through July.  Incredible.  Yeah, he could win the Cy Young.

Carlos Quentin – HR yesterday.  About flippin’ time.

Wladimir Balentien – Traded to the Reds for bag of buttered popcorn.  Confusing on a few levels.  The Reds needed an outfielder?  The Reds are buyers?  I guess Baker just can’t stand the thought of playing Gomes every day.

Howie Kendrick – Batting .450 in the last seven games.  Yesterday, homer and 5 RBIs.  Is it me or is every middle infielder simultaneously hot?  It’s The Age of the MI Schmohawk.

Francisco Liriano – Brian Duensing replaced him yesterday not because Liriano’s been terrible, though that reason would’ve worked for me, but because Lirano had swelling in his forearm.  Supposedly, Liriano should be fine by next week.  I’m not sure if that’s good news or bad news for Liriano owners.

Alfonso Soriano – Al-So’s smoking the ball.  You know who else is hot?  Aramis and Lee.  About time the Cubbies stepped up their hitting. (BTW, I like how in yesterday’s blowout Piniella pulled his regulars, except Bradley.  Maybe Lou feels the same way as me.  If Milton plays enough, he’s got to get hurt.  It’s no coincidence that Milton Bradley makes the Operation game.)

Reed Johnson – Out four weeks with a broken foot.  The other day Randy was hurt.  This is the worst week to be a Johnson since Lorena Bobbitt was famous.

You never owned Aubrey Huff before, but going into your draft you glanced at your cheatsheets and saw Huff’s 2008 numbers and thought you really found something purdy.  You called your lady and said, “Baby, tonight we can watch any Kate Hudson movie you want, I got Aubrey Huff in my draft!” So you sat through Ten Things I Hate About Kate Hudson and Matthew I’m-Kinda-Gay and thought life’s okay, this movie will end and Huff will still be on my team.  Now you’re thinking about how you wish you had Gordo Sandoval and those two hours of your life back.  No fear, Flav loves reindeer.  Aubrey Huff hit .231 last May and .337 in June.  Then .332 in the 2nd half.  In 2007, he hit .309 compared to .258 in the 1st half.  Listen, I hate Huff.  Seems like he leaves 20% in the locker room, but he’s repeatedly shown to be a 2nd half hitter.  I wouldn’t buy him with Gallardo, but I think at this point, you don’t have to.  You can probably get him for very cheap.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Mike MacDougal – I gave up on the Nats and their perpetually frustrating closerousel, but you, friend, you’re your own person.  I’d grab some Tagamet if you’re going for Macky D’s.

Ryan Madson – Oh, but Lidge will return and then Madson will lose the job and…. Oh, Grey what do I do?!?! Pickup Madson, random italicized voice.

Ryan Hanigan – If you get an erection for longer than four hours after picking up Hanigan, then you should see a doctor, but he does have catcher eligibility and he’s been playing and hitting (.313 in June).

Scott Podsednik – SAGNOF!

Tony Gwynn – Batting .429 in the last 7 games.  I think his average ends up closer to Chris Gwynn than Tony, but he has speed to burn (not calories like his old man).

Juan Rivera – I debated whether to add him because he’s really just about any other random schmohawk outfielder on waivers with power, but he’s been hot.  He can probably out-homer Vlad on the season.  Though that’s less an endorsement of Rivera and more an indictment of Vlad.

Nick Masset – MR. B’s alert.  Masset has 23 Ks in 23 2/3 IP and has only given up 2 runs so far this year.

Gavin Floyd – I had every intention of putting Floyd in the sell section, then I started looking at his numbers.  Floyd has a 40/12 K/BB in his last six games.  His road/home splits are atrocious, so I wouldn’t start in away games, but I’d grab him in 12 team leagues for home games.  And that’s me semi-sorta-endorsing Floyd!  It’s a brand new day, Sting.

Russell Branyan – This Buy is for the guys in the back of the room.  He’s at 35/14/29/.317/2 on the season.  He’s currently showing Cantu what he can do when he do the voodoo he do.

Colby Rasmus – He’s on his way to a 20/10 season, which is yawnstipating in 10 team leagues, but there’s a place on it in deeper leagues.  If he gets the oh-so-coveted number two slot in the order in front of Pujols, his Meatballs To Hit Ratio will go up.  If he gets the cleanup spot, his future will be cloudy with a chance of meatballs, but his RBIs will increase.  This blurb was brought to you by Sony Pictures.

Clint Barmes – Over .400 in June… Near .500 over the last week.  Hmm… Those are kinda the same thing.  Hey, ya’ll, we got a new MI to pickup.

Sean West – Okay, in NL-Only leagues, but you’re basically asking to get tied to the WHIPping post in mixed leagues if you go West, young man.

SELL

Dan Haren - I almost made him the lead, but I didn’t want to panic people by doing one of my patent pending Sell Yells.  (It involves lots of exclamation marks and a title rhyming Haren with barren.)  Haren’s a notoriously weaker 2nd half pitcher, but it’s not like he becomes Sidney Ponson.  He’s just not as dominating in the 2nd half.  I wouldn’t trade him for a ticket to see Jersey Boys, but I would start exploring offers.  History tells us that the best is not yet to come.

Kendry Morales – Four!…Air ball!…Punt!

Nick Blackburn – 4.01 K/9 for Blechburn.

Geovany Soto – I told you to sell him the 3rd week of the season.  Well, he hit two homers this last week.  If you can get anything, and I mean anything (MacDougal, comes to mind), I’d do it.

Carlos Quentin – I’m contractually obligated to trash a White Sox player after I’ve trashed a Cubs one – The Abe Froman Peace Accord of 1986.  I think some time in August is a safe bet for Quentin’s return.  At which point, two things can happen.  1) He returns and he’s productive.  2) He returns, struggles and reinjures himself.  You may want to believe in one, but two seems more likely at this point.  For those who don’t know, before Quentin broke out last year, he was an injury-prone prospect.  You can change the spots but not the leopard, or whatever that cliche is.

Scott Feldman – He’s a solid number two.  I’m not talking about the number he is in anyone’s rotation.

Tommy Hanson was called up by the Braves yesterday.   His numbers:  66 1/3 IP, 90 Ks, 0.86 WHIP, 1.49 ERA in Triple A.  Hello, beautiful, may I interest you in this Sutter Home White Zinfandel?  It’ll go lovely with your 90/17 K/BB ratio.  How about some honey mustard pretzels to go with your 12.2 K/9 ratio?  Ah, yes, those were some great times when you dominated in the Arizona Fall League with a .63 ERA in just over 28 innings.  Chuckle, chuckle… Yes, those were the best prospects in baseball and you held them to 10 hits and 49 Ks.   But can he dominate in the majors?  Much has been made of rookie pitchers at this site.  More often than not, they drop a roofie in your box of wine and do unthinkable things to your Forbidden City.  Hanson seems like he can handle his own in the big leagues, but remember in Double A he was great, but not insane with a 3.03/1.13/114 and a 10.5 K/9 in 98 IP.  If Hanson comes out and dominates on Saturday, his value will go through the roof.  If he stumbles, you might get stuck with Cueto of ’08.  Rookie pitchers are very risky.  If you need a hitter, Hanson’s trade value might be at its peak.  Now if you need pitching and you can handle the risk, Hanson can provide the reward.  In a keeper, obviously you hold him tight like your Grandma holds her bucket of quarters in Atlantic City.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Nate McLouth – Traded to the Braves.  This doesn’t do much for his value.  Cox can’t even sit lefties against lefties anymore because the Braves lineup is basically all lefties.  McLouth’s a 25/25 guy with a so-so average.   However, this opens the door for… Wait for it… It’s coming… Okay, here it is…

Andrew McCutchen – The Pirates fleet-footed centerfielder (no, he doesn’t have ships for feet).  I picked him up in one 15 team league.  He was just dissected last week in our Scouting the Unknown.  Best case scenario is .280/25 steals with maybe 5 homers.  He’s Dexter Fowler, ya’ll!  I’d pick him up in 12 team leagues unless you’re bloated with steals, but, really, who ever has too many steals?  Remember though, if you pick him up, you might have to watch Pirates highlights.

Gordon Beckham – The 2008 1st round draft pick of the White Sox has been promoted, presumably to man 3rd base (bye bye Betemit) and maybe see time at 2nd or short.  He doesn’t have much of a minor league record to go on, but the 200 or so minor-league ABs show solid AVG and 15-20 HR pop.  Upside for this year is Tulo’s rookie year.  Downside for this year is Tulo since his rookie year.  So dust off that waiver claim in mixed leagues, if you’ve got a mediocre MI.  Between Clayton Richard and Gordon Beckham, White Sox GM Ken Williams has seen a lot more success in the draft after focusing on prospects that sound ultra-British.  How’d he miss out on Collin Balester?

Ian Stewart – 2-for-4 with a 3 run HR yesterday.  That’s his first time in weeks that he made contact twice in a game let alone safely put them in play.  He’s barely usable in 12-team leagues now with his selling points as follows:  1) He has 2B/3B eligibility and is 1 game away from OF,  2) He has serious power.  Even with his Razztastic .188 AVG, he has 8 HRs and 23 RBIs, 3) He does walk a good amount (near .300 OBP), and 4) He enjoys a good slap and tickle as much as Clayton Richard and Gordon Beckham.

Jose Reyes – Now won’t return on Friday as he aggravated his calf and fantasy owners.  Is it me or is there more injuries this year than any year in the history of the world?  WTF?  Seriously.  Can we get our shizz together and stay healthy?  Ta!

Joey Votto – Reds have gone on record saying Votto is dealing with some personal issues.  Dusty said, “I once hiccuped and swallowed my toothpick when managing the Cubs.  I didn’t think much of it, but felt a light-headed for a couple weeks.  I started Kerry Wood 5 straight days during one stretch when I meant to give him an off day in between.  Then I sneezed and a toothpick shot out of my ear and poked Mark Prior in the shoulder, which caused it to dislocate.”

Laynce Nix – While younger bro, Jayson (mom & dad likes them unnecessary Y’s) waits for an opportunity in Chicago, the older Nix is getting some love from Dusty over Dickerson & Gomes.  A 2 HR day today was rather Brucian of him, but ignore this Ranger/Brewer retread unless you’ve got some inside dope that the Nix brothers got the same ‘strength trainer’ as the Giles brothers used to employ.

Derek Lowe – 7 IP, 2 ER.  Really wish I owned him in a league.  No, he’s not dazzling, but it’s so nice to have a guy that consistently gives up 3 or fewer runs.   So far he’s only had one game where he’s given up more than 4 runs and has a 3.40 ERA on the year.

Ted Lilly – 7 IP, 1 ER.  What I said about Lowe, but with a few more strikeouts.

Scott Feldman – Now 5-0 with a 3.79 ERA.  And he pitches for Texas.  It’s like that Bizarro Seinfeld episode where Feldman is the considerate and productive Kramer.  Why do we have the feeling that we’ll be cursing him out like the real Kramer would once summer comes around in Arlington?

Hunter Pence – 4-for-5, .346 on the year and battling Tejada in the NL batting race.  Speaking of bizarro, when did Pence decide to start drawing walks like Picasso drew guernicas?  He has as many walks as he did his whole rookie year in 2007.  He has only one less walk than strikeout this year.  Last year, he had 40 walks and 124 Ks.  That’s a terrific trend.  Maybe he can talk to Frenchy.

Jeff Niemann – Niemann!  Hey, we got a theme going here.  He threw a complete game, two-hitter with 9 Ks.  Not sure what’s in the water down in Tampa (though it’s probably served at Hooter’s), but it seems like every year they get a great performance from a not-so-great pitcher (Sonnanstine ’08).  Still, I wouldn’t trust Niemann going forward.

Jhonny Peralta – Hit a 3-run HR tonight which ups his season total to….2.  For a SS whose only value is his power.  Oh well, he’s still doing better than fellow silent-H shortstop, Khalil Greene, who is suffering from a harshed mellow.

Kyle Lohse – Left the game with forearm discomfort.  The Cards trainer said this was a similar injury to what Royce Clayton suffered in ’98 when he greeted McGwire in the dugout after a homer.  Dave Duncan shrugged his shoulders saying, “Whatever.  I’ll just find another scrub pitcher to turn into a servicable starter.  These reclamation projects are getting too easy.  Someone get me Ankiel.”

Dr. Brian Bannister – The Incredible Hulk of Crap.

Jonathan Broxton – Hit 100 MPH on three straight pitches.  Cust kayin’.

Josh Outman – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  He has a near-4.50 FIP.  Caveat, Razzballer.

Adrian Beltre – 3-for-5, HR and 3 RBIs.  He’s hot.  I know you don’t want to believe it but he is; .357 over the last 7 games and 8-for-10 over his last two.

Ben Zobrist – Hit a grand slam for his 10th HR.  Is this one of those body-switch movies between BJ Upton and Ben Zobrist?  Which one’s Fred Savage?

J.A. Happ – 7 IP, 0 ER.  Okay, Happ-shot, now the schedule gets hard.  Wait, he gets the Mets in Metco next.  Hmm… You can’t spell Tummyaches without M-E-T-S.

Kevin Youkilis – Left the game with an ankle injury.  One exuberant fan thought Youk’s ankle was broken and yelled Opa!

Joel Hanrahan had 2 saves yesterday in the Nationals’ sweep of Colorado 6-3, 6-3 as they decided to emulate a successful tennis player instead of a successful golfer for a change (hitting below par). Hanrahan set a new Nationals record for most saves in a doubleheader, series, week, and month. On a related topic, Chad ‘Rip-Cord’ Cordero spent the day ironing his hat brim. One of the stars of the game was Emilio Bonifacio, who went 4-for-10 in the doubleheader. I mentioned him yesterday for fantasy baseball hittters to pickup, but I feel like he might need to get flogged a little into your collective minds, because I’m not feeling the love. He is the lightning fast, leadoff man/second baseman for the Nats. This schmohawk could steal as many bases in the last two months as Roberts did in the 1st half. What, you say you don’t like players whose last name you can’t pronounce? SAGNOF! SAGNOF! Saves/Steals Ain’t Got No Face! Felipe Lopez was dropped by the Nats to show their commitment to Bonifacio. Now show yours. The other star of the twin bill was Lastings Milledge, who went 5-for-9 with 2 HRs. Now has four HRs in August. He could continue his hot hitting. Luckily the Nats bring in less than 1,000 fans per game or that would be a lot of high fives. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Scott Schoeneweis – With Wagner out, the question was who would step in his shoes. Schoeneweis entered the ninth and promptly blew the save. Looks like the Mets found a Wagner replacement. Now to find a closer.

Aaron Heilman – 2/3 of an inning and the gift win. Don’t worry, he’ll balance it out with a loss when he’s inserted into the closer role.

Jody Gerut – Another HR yesterday. Okay, this the last time I’m mentioning him.

Chase Headley – 2 HRs in last two games. In the one league where I had Headley, I got bored of him and the Padres’ offense so I picked up Andy LaRoche. What invariably happens when you drop someone? They get hot.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 5 IP, 6 ER. I told you last week, “Last year, (Ubaldo) had a solid July then got progressively worse as the year went on. Caveat emptor, for those in Latin America.” And that’s me quoting me!

Justin Duchscherer – 5 IP, 4 ER. Member that correction I warned you about? The one where I said Duchscherer is going to fall back to earth? Yup and uh-huh.

Scott Feldman – 7 IP, 2 ER. Mazel Tov. You’re a man now!

Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 7 Ks, 1 ER. Evidently, Alyssa Milano’s advice to breath through his eyeballs helped. That and the blow job.

Jeff Francis – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER also known as the ‘Colorado Rockies Quality Start.’ Throw Francis in the Snell Bag of starters who were useful last year, but currently are not.

Chris Volstad – 6 IP, 0 ER. While his name makes him sound like a cocky little douche like Josh Beckett, he’s actually a sinker ball pitcher. Go figure.

AJ Burnett – Despite a 4.50 ERA and pitching for the Jays, Burnett pitched a so-so game to net his 14th win. That’s worth 9 wins in America. Ask Johan.

Dan Uggla – 0-for-4. .179 since July 1st. It’s a long, bumpy road back to a .250 career average.

Brian Giles – Might be traded to the Red Sox. Could be interesting to see him hit some walks off The Green Monster.

Jim Leyland – Suggested newly appointed closer, Joel Zumaya, go to an instructional league this winter to learn to be a closer. If that makes no sense to you, welcome to my brain. Hopefully the instructional league is somewhere without forest fires or Guitar Hero. Leyland volunteered to visit him in hopes that the Caribbean Duty-Free stores have nice discounts on Marlboro Reds.

Manny Ramirez – HR yesterday. The league is investigating the circumstances surrounding the Red Sox-Dodgers trade of Manny Ramirez. When asked about his departure from the Red Sox, Manny responded “By plane.”