Much respect to the mothers. Without my emergence from my mother’s vagina, I wouldn’t be able to bestow on you my fantasy baseball ‘pertness. We are one people and everyone has popped out of a mother’s vagina at one point, unless you’re an alien — I’m looking at you, Andrelton! — and with our emergence from our mother’s vagina — or that Cesarean stuff that I don’t fully understand — I say we should all live together, loving each other, and never speaking of Ike Davis again, cause he sucks. With all that mother loving out of the way, yesterday was about the worst offensive day I’ve seen during a full schedule day for rosterable fantasy hitters. I mean, there were a ton of Brayan Pena’s and Donald Lutz’s doing work, but not a whole lot from guys actually owned. Though, it would be awesome if someone got caught corking their pink bat. Corking a pink bat is like A-Rod growing a mustache. Then the nadir of that offensive dearth (pinnacle of pitching success?) was Chris Sale. He tossed a shutout, one-hitter with 7 Ks vs. the Anathema Angels. Still don’t trust him to stay healthy all season, but it looks pretty likely that he’s going to be pitching well until his arm falls off. Then, if his arm doesn’t fall off perchance, he’s going to be a number one pitcher. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?Scott Feldman
Senior year of high school, I cheated on my final exam in religion class. Never got caught. Three others involved in the cheating scandal were each brought to justice — they failed the test, failed the class, and had to retake the course the following semester. Did I feel guilty about my actions? F*#k no I didn’t. I aced the test, and got a B+ in the class. It was the best grade I ever earned in religion. My parents were thrilled! Ever since then I’ve held a sort of admiration for those who cheat and get away with it, and even for some who didn’t get away with it. I respect he who is ballsy enough to cruise down life’s low road, while the rest of the chumps fight traffic on the high road. I’m halfway kidding, of course, but there are moments when the opportunity to cheat presents itself, and you’d be crazy to pass it up. Take, for instance, just a couple weeks ago, when Jeff Samardzija didn’t immediately cease pitching while his throwing hand bled onto the baseball, perhaps doctoring the ball. Well done, Jeff. And as for this Clay Buchholz situation, the evidence against him isn’t quite definitive, and it seems extremely doubtful that any real fallout is to come. More power to the guy if he was indeed doctoring the ball — the umps didn’t notice, and neither did the Blue Jays. He goes twice next week, by the way.
As always, probable pitchers are subject to change. For a look at all fantasy baseball streamers, click that link.
Please, blog, may I have some more?First off, Rudy is safe. We have him in a padded room with only marshmallows to eat. He’s a bit overcome by the absence of color, but it will be a good distraction while Bryce Harper is touch and go. Before we put Rudy where he wouldn’t hurt himself, Rudy said to me, “If Bryce Harper is hurt, will they cancel the rest of the season?” That’s a frown question, bro. Lie down, Rudy. It’ll be okay. Actually, could you lie down with your head hanging off the couch? You’re gonna leave a Soul Glo stain. I’m sure Rudy isn’t the only one feeling a bit woozy hearing Harper hurt himself last night. The entire eye black industry hangs in the balance. He left yesterday’s game with an apparent injury and that turned into an apparent diagnosis of an apparent bad bruise in his apparent side. Thanks for the apparency. This sounds like a day-to-day thing rather than a 15-day DL thing. So the worst thing that may come of this is for the next few days you won’t get as drunk if you take a tequila shot every time someone on Baseball Tonight mentions Harper. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ah Flexibility. It’s like when you were a kid, (or still are a kid) and you have to do that v-sit reach test. You stretch and stretch and in your mind you are awesome, but in reality there is some Romanian chick in your class name Nadia who can eat spaghetti-o’s one at a time with her naval and makes everyone look horrible. This, my friends, is all about the fake baseball flexibility, the laid back one where you pick Cheetos’s one by one out of your belly button, and that to me is grandiose. First lint and now artificially flavored cheese snacks — the world will never cease to amaze me, next thing you know we will put a man on the moon. So last week I gave a preemptive strike into the flexibility thing covering RP that will or may be starting come regular season and are only eligible at RP. Now I am covering some guys that will have both RP and SP, it’s like a fluffer and porn star all rolled into one. So with out the frills and more annoying hullabaloo here are some cats that have dual eligibility. Keep in mind that everyone plays with different settings, so I am only giving guys with 5 starts/5 relief appearances or more to be considered.
Please, blog, may I have some more?As a rule of thumb, I figure the best way to fully concentrate on writing these articles is to put on a god-awful dance movie in the background. Unless you secretly like those movies and then I have to ask, what are you doing here? Try it sometimes, it is the best way to become both smarter and less distracted. I don’t have to give specifics, but anything that features dance and horrible soundtracks will suffice. Ok, back to the lecture at hand, this is most certainly a 2 start thang. I am personally liking the lower end options this week, lots of guys that are most likely available in most leagues of moderate size, and the match-ups seem just ripe for the fantasy pickings. So do like Indiana Jones and choose, but choose wisely. Because not all good things are shiny and expected.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Did you ever get flustered to the point where you never know what to say. Well that’s where I am currently. Fantasy baseball is tertiary right now; yea it’s on a a whole third level of importance as I type this.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Welcome to the real second half. Not that 4 game H2H sprint where you lose to the last place team cause he had 3 guys carry his week, one of them named Molina. I am back from my much needed vacation funded by Razzball.
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Risk is more than a board game ironically not produced by Milton Bradley. It represents the only effective counterbalance in this world for ‘reward’ and grants us all the opportunity for the sweetest prosperity – the kind where you prosper more than others. For, if everyone succeeds, isn’t success the new mediocrity?
Please, blog, may I have some more?How’s everyone holding up without baseball every day? I don’t know what to do with myself! Yesterday, I wandered into a Starbucks and told the coffeerista about Billy Butler for 2010. She told me where to find Manic Panic hair dye so I could dye my roots blue (which is a great gospel group, but stick to My Roots Blue’s first two albums). We’ve gone over the final 2009 fantasy baseball rankings for hitters and the top 20 starters. Anyway, here’s the top 40 starters for 2009 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:
21.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Ryan Madson finally took over for Brad Lidge. This was only about three months in the making and after six separate endorsements by Manuel saying Lidge is their closer. Ah fanabla, what a headache. Ever since Brett Myers returned from his MMA training, fantasy baseballers (that’s you!) seem ready to put Myers in the closer role. That would be too easy, right? Right. No, Madson’s the first guy to grab and maybe Myers sees time here and there. I’d grab both of them, unless you have a bleeding ulcer, then I’d stay away. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Scott Feldman – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 Ks and leads the AL with 16 wins. Shoot me now. Seriously. Shoot me and Randy Wolf while you’re at it.
Please, blog, may I have some more?