We at Razzball realize that exporting our views across the country has damaging consequences on the blogosphere. To help make amends, we are reaching out to leading team blogs and featuring their locally blogged answers to pressing 2012 fantasy baseball questions regarding their team. We feel this approach will be fresher, more sustainable, and require less energy consumption (for us anyway). The 2012 Twins Fantasy Baseball Preview comes courtesy of Aaron Gleeman from his eponymous Minnesota Twins Blog.
1) I have Scott Baker down for 2012 projections of 11-7/3.65/1.19/160. How’s that sound to you?
Sounds about right. Baker’s performance is never really a question, as he’s basically been a solid second or third starter with great K/BB ratios for the past five seasons, so it’s just a matter of him staying healthy. Or at least relatively healthy. He’s only topped 180 innings once and is coming off an elbow injury. He should provide good value in most drafts.
2) Well, the Tsuyoshi Nishioka experiment turned out about as well Jeff Goldblum’s teleporting pods. Any chance for some redemption in 2012 for Nishioka?
I doubt it. He’ll have to fight just to make the Opening Day roster as a utility man behind middle infield starters Jamey Carroll and Alexi Casilla. In addition to an inept bat Nishioka also showed that he isn’t as fast or as good a base-stealer as the reports from Japan suggested, so even if he were to somehow work his way into the lineup regularly there just isn’t much fantasy upside.
3) Everyone’s favorite game (or maybe just mine)…. The Over/Under Game! Justin Morneau — 100 games? 25 homers? 85 RBIs?
I’d take the under. Morneau’s concussion status has gotten most of the attention, but he’s also coming back from neck, knee, foot, and wrist surgeries. He hasn’t been healthy and effective since mid-2010, so even if you feel like betting on him staying in the lineup that’s an awful lot of time off to pick up right where he was.
4) Francisco Liriano seemed profoundly lucky last year… Cause I know at least a thousand or so fantasy baseballers that would’ve liked to kill him. Can Liriano regain his pre-surgery form this year?
His pre-surgery form? Definitely not. He simply doesn’t have that type of velocity or raw stuff since having elbow surgery. I think he’s absolutely capable of being closer to the 2010 version than the 2011 version, but he has to make significant strides with his command. I’d certainly take Liriano if he fell to me late in a draft, but there are better high-upside risks to take.
5) What is the best slogan for the 2012 Minnesota Twins? A) A Healthy Mauer Has Doubles Power! B) Justin Morneau is Concussin’ No Mo’ C) The Plouffe Is In the Pudding D) Target Field – Too Big For Our Hitters, Too Small For Our Pitchers
I’m hoping it’s A, because a healthy, doubles-hitting Mauer is one of the best all-around players in baseball and his getting back on track is without question the biggest key for the Twins long term.
This is almost the end of the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings. With these top 80 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball, there’s a few names that I’m really gunning for on my teams… My deeper teams. On last year’s top 80, there were a few guys that shot up the rankings (Hellickson, Anibal, Garza and Zimmermann), so I imagine a lot of you won’t need most of the names on this list, but there will be some. Now humor me. There’s tiers and projections mentioned for everyone. Anyway, here’s the top 80 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball:
61. Brandon McCarthy – This tier started in the top 60 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball. This tier ends at Peavy. I called this tier, “Holy crap, there were a lot of starters I didn’t like in the top 60 starters post. Let’s see some names I like. Please.” The first two guys in this tier could’ve been called, “Young pitchers who don’t strike out many that you should start at home.” McCarthy’s ERA at home was 2.65 and 1.11 WHIP. As said two sentences ago– Two Sentences Ago, “Why don’t you come up with your own points?” McCarthy doesn’t strike out a whole lot of guys. 2012 Projections: 8-11/3.50/1.17/140
62. Tim Stauffer – Last year Stauffer had a home ERA of 2.57 and a 1.13 WHIP. I’ll give this to you nice and simple like Minnie Pearl would’ve wanted it. Stauffer is a Hodgepadre. Start him at home and sit him on the road. He did have 94 1/3 IP innings at home last year, so you’re talking about a top tier reliever’s ratio stats if you hold firm when to start him. 2012 Projections: 8-10/3.80/1.24/135
63. Ted Lilly – I could’ve made a sub-tier within this tier calling these last three guys, “Pitchers that I refuse to learn from no matter how many times they burn me.” I really believe last year we saw the beginning of the end of Lilly. Fading Lilly, if you like pithy comments that sound like sushi restaurants. There’s some arguments to be made that that (stutterer!) is incorrect. He did come on in the 2nd half (2.94 ERA, 8+ K/9). If you believe his 1st half (4.79 ERA) was just an aberration on the that-ain’t-the-real-thing tip, then I could see grabbing Lilly late. For his price, it’s probably worth it. 2012 Projections: 11-8/3.85/1.18/160
64. Scott Baker – For those of you that can’t wait to read the end of this post just to comment that Lilly and Baker’s projections look better than Stauffer and McCarthy so why do I have them below? Don’t. Lilly is on the downswing of his career and Baker can’t stay healthy. Take an upside flyer with Stauffer or McCarthy before these guys. Those of you who didn’t read this blurb and commented about the order of the rankings, you’re not reading this either. Too bad, I would’ve had you say hello to your mother for me. Hey now! 2012 Projections: 11-7/3.65/1.19/160
65. Jake Peavy – If he can stay healthy, he could be valuable. Unfortunately, my man can’t stay healthy. Grey, you have no faith in medicine, The White Stripes. If I were the type to say completely unsubstantiated claims with no factual evidence, I’d say Peavy can’t stay healthy because he used to do steroids. I would never say that though. I’m way above that! Hopefully, there’s no my-momma-didn’t-name-me-that scandal with the reveal that he’s really Jack Peavy and actually 78 years old, but that would jive with all of his health problems. For those worried about the integrity of our great game, I do think the name scandals will soon end with all players selling their naming rights to companies. Now pitching for the New York Yankees… Saran Wrap! 2012 Projections: 10-8/3.75/1.21/130
66. Ryan Vogelsong – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Jackson. I call this tier, “You may get a number three fantasy starter or you may get someone similar to Nadir Bupkus.” Last year didn’t really make sense. Not in general, unless you’re trying to figure why you like baseball yet weren’t that crazy about Moneyball. I think you had to not like baseball to love Moneyball. But I was referring to last year not making sense for Vogelsong. He’s like 40 years old (34) and he just put up his best season, even though his peripherals (pitch speed, where the pitches were, etc.) didn’t get better from the last time he was in the States. Maybe he can repeat it. More likely, you’re going to get a good spot starter when he faces the Padres, Dodgers and some other weaker offenses. 2012 Projections: 10-9/3.75/1.26/140
67. Jonathon Niese – Last year, his ERA was 4.40 and now the Mets are moving in the fences and constructing a giant Madoff head to blow hot air out to right field. So why is Niese in a positive tier? Thanks, clunky expository question! He had a K-rate of 7.89 last year and showed in the minors that is about right and could be even a little higher. Also, he had a slightly off BABIP and poor LOB%, so he wasn’t really a near-four and half ERA pitcher, but probably three-quarters of a run better. All these good vibes about Niese make me want to do my Grind workout. 2012 Projections: 9-10/3.75/1.32/160
68. Bud Norris – You can’t predict wins. You shouldn’t even try. It is totally pointless. But since I had a “Totally Pointless” college degree this is right up my alley. You are not going to get wins with Norris. You will get some walks and nice Ks. I kinda want Norris on every team. Might even draft him on my AL-Only keeper team for when the Astros realign. 2012 Projections: 7-9/3.80/1.32/190
69. Mike Leake – His ground ball percentage was solid, walks were dropped by over one per game and his strikeouts increased (though not to a rate that is drool-inducing). If Leake can avoid dribblers through the vas deferns, he should have some success. 2012 Projections: 13-8/3.75/1.22/135
70. Ryan Dempster – I’m tentatively liking Dempster this year. His 4.80 ERA last year was H to the ideous, but he did have a 3.70 xFIP and a 8.50 K/9. I’ve seen worse stats. Some of the guys above him, for instance, they have worse stats. I don’t know the intricacies of his contract and I don’t think you should draft someone in March with the hope they’re traded, but wouldn’t shock me to see Dempster on a pennant contender before 2012 is through. Maybe he’ll go to the Padres, if the Yankees change their name to the Padres. 2012 Projections: 12-8/3.90/1.33/190
71. Edwin Jackson – Signed yesterday with the Nats, naturally. Looks like all the Nats needed to become a contender was to get rid of Bowden. Great addition for the Nats’ rotation. For fantasy, it’s a’ight. Earlier in his career, he was better in the AL than the NL, but now that he’s matured I think it was an immaturity thing. Funny how that works. Best case scenario is a 3.50 ERA and kinda icky WHIP. Worst case scenario is a 4 and a half ERA and icky WHIP. Speaking of which, I was thinking about what’s the best best case scenario of recent times and I have to think it’s The Jersey Shore. I can’t help watch the opening and think about how when they made that title sequence they all were probably glad to just be employed by a t-shirt shop, MTV almost axed the show before it started and none of them really had much chance for a future unless you count success by the number of acquired STDs. Now they’re all millionaires and it’s laughable that they would work at a t-shirt shop. Of course, the worst worst case scenario would have to be leaving the show a’la Angelina and not reaping any of its benefits. What a stunod. 2012 Projections: 11-10/3.80/1.35/160
72. Hiroki Kuroda – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Collmenter. I call this tier, “Solid, but unspectacular.” See, I will draft solid with a chance for spectacular. I’ll even take a chance on very risky with a chance for spectacular. But “Solid, but unspectacular” gets drafted around the time I want to take flyers, so I don’t bother with this tier. When you’re this late in a draft, it makes no sense to draft a guy like Kuroda, Danks, Buehrle, etc. Like any investment, they’re the last one in and first one out. It’s a shame that Kuroda was picked up by the Yankees. When he was on the Dodgers, he was a solid back end of your fantasy rotation starter that no one ever reached for. For whatever reason, everyone looked the other way even though his career ERA is under 3.50, WHIP’s under 1.20, walks are low and his K/9 last year was over 7. Oh, well. I wouldn’t draft him with your fantasy team in 2012. AL East and The Stadium They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built is two negatives that don’t equal a positive. 2012 Projections: 12-9/3.90/1.24/150
73. John Danks – I’ll admit I’m probably too down on Danks. He’s the very definition of solid, but unspectacular. A big issue with solid but unspectacular that I didn’t mention above. If for some reason you get less than solid, you get Danks’s 2011: 4.33 ERA, 135 Ks and 1.34 WHIP. That’s not even solid. At 27 years old, he should revert back to solid, but unspectacular. 2012 Projections: 9-10/3.75/1.28/150
74. Mark Buehrle – Gets wins, mid-3 ERA, lots of innings… What’s not to like? Oh, yeah, he strikes out about as much as Mystery in a college bar on “Ladies drink for free” night. 2012 Projections: 14-10/3.70/1.28/100
75. Ivan Nova – With a 3.70 ERA, he won 16 games last year in 28 games started. Basically, Blyleven would’ve been a first ballot Hall of Famer on the Yankees. If you’re chasing wins, I could see going with Nova, but chasing wins is a losing proposition. (<–Turn of a phrase point!) 2012 Projections: 14-8/4.00/1.33/110
76. Gavin Floyd – I’ve tied Floyd to Danks in my rankings for as long as I can remember, which sounds like a nerdy version of the Goodfellas voiceover. Floyd is a tad under Danks because of his age. There’s a better chance of Danks exceeding his projections than Floyd, but they’re both solid, but… Well, you know. 2012 Projections: 9-11/4.00/1.26/155
77. R.A. Dickey – I don’t like Dickey, not that there’s anything right with that. He’s totally blown away my projections the last two years, but I can’t trust a knuckleballer. I don’t like when I’m relying on a pitcher that has no idea where the ball is going. I’m sure he’s used to the hate. Can’t be easy going through puberty with a name like Dickey and being a knuckleballer. 2012 Projections: 10-9/3.75/1.27/130
78. Josh Collmenter – You thought I didn’t like Dickey? Try my dislike of Collmenter on for size. Too snug? That’s cause you have both of your arms in the same sleeve. Collmenter had a 5+ K-rate and a 4.18 xFIP. No Ks there is a than, but no thans. 2012 Projections: 8-10/4.25/1.24/110
79. Francisco Liriano – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until here. I call this tier, “Screw you, Liriano.” He got very lucky last year. No, not with his FIP or xFIP or BABIP or men left on base or with runs scored for. He got lucky I didn’t kill him. 2012 Projections: 11-11/4.30/1.35/155
80. Brett Cecil – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Volquez. I call this tier, “You’ll probably drop most of these guys by mid-April and may not even have the nads to start them once on your team, but you may as well take a flyer.” (The projections in this tier are optimistic.) I saw one ‘pert didn’t rank Cecil in his top 100 starters. I thought that was odd. He’s only 26 years old. Then I looked at mock draft results and he wasn’t anywhere. I saw Joel Pineiro. I saw Jason Hammel. I even saw Javier Vazquez. He retired. We’re all that done with a 26-year-old pitcher who was being drafted last year in the top 200? I don’t want to point any fingers, but you — yeah, you. Don’t look behind you. — were excited about drafting Cecil last year. Nothing in his stats say bounce back, but between him or Pineiro or a guy that retired, I’m going with Cecil. 2012 Projections: 12-9/4.00/1.30/145
After the top 80 starters, there’s a lot of names, but here’s some that stand out:
Homer Bailey - With a career ERA of 4.89, I’ve warded off Homer to use two of the better father names in the history of television. Now, I find myself seeing a scenario where I could draft him very late. His walk rate last year was more than one walk off his previous year. His K-rate fell a bit, but it’s still over 7. His xFIP was 3.77 and his team should win some games. Bailey is long overdue for a breakout. I’m saying sleeper and grab him late. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it until he defecates all over my ERA. 2012 Projections: 12-9/3.70/1.28/130
Chris Sale – If I had to, and I probably do, write a sleeper post about Sale or Bard, it’s a no-brainer. It’s Sale all the way. Sale’s only real question mark is how many innings will the Pale Hose throw him. (BTW, if I was writing newspaper headlines in 1919, I would’ve wrote “Paint the White Hose Black.” If there’s any time travelers reading this, take it, it’s yours.) I think Sale sees about 125 innings. 2012 Projections: 8-8/3.50/1.24/130
Daniel Bard – When the Sawx first announced Bard would start, here’s what I said, “The Sawx are toying with the idea that Daniel Bard should be in the rotation rather than as the closer. To incorrectly quote Gordon Gekko, “That’s a toy with fleas.” As a starter in the minor leagues, his ERA was 7.08 and walked 78 hitters in 75 innings. Granted, this was early on in his minor league career, but I don’t see the Sawx taking a pitcher that is actually succeeding as a reliever and stretching him out to fail. Then again, their rotation isn’t exactly five deep. Hopefully Daniel doesn’t stay *pinkie to mouth* Bard from the bullpen. Or should I say bullpun.” And that’s me quoting me! I still think the Red Sox make a last minute move to keep Bard in the bullpen and acquire another starter. 2012 Projections: 9-7/3.70/1.22/160
Brad Peacock – I already went over my Brad Peacock fantasy. It’s January Grey’s favorite post. 2012 Projections: 9-8/3.60/1.30/170
Edinson Volquez – If he gets 200 innings, he will strikeout 200 hitters. Look at the rest of this post and try to find another guy K’ing 200. So why isn’t he ranked higher? Well, there’s this little problem with him walking people like it’s his job. It’s not his job. If that’s getting lost in the translation, someone should tell him that is not his job. Yo camino no trabajar! 2012 Projections: 8-12/3.75/1.33/200
Ricky Nolasco – This is the last tier. This tier is called, “I didn’t forget these guys. I’m just not drafting them.” Nolasco hasn’t had an ERA under 4.50 in 3 years, but if you’re playing in a league that counts K/BB rates or guys that underperform, then by all means go with Nolasco. 2012 Projections: 12-9/4.25/1.29/150
Wade Davis – He had strikeout numbers in the minors, and I think those return from wherever they went, but I’m not drafting him on the assumption they will. Could be a nice during-season-pickup if he gets his shizz together. 2012 Projections: 10-10/4.15/1.35/115
Carlos Zambrano – Ozzie will either bond with Zambrano and have him produce his best year since the mid-naughts or their personalities together will become so combustible that Little Havana will break from the union and form the 51st state with Ozzie becoming Supreme Leader of Little Havana and having Zambrano executed. My money’s on the latter. 2012 Projections: 11-10/4.10/1.35/130
Johan Santana – The Mets are hoping to get 25 starts out of Johan. The Mets are saying he’s a question mark for Opening Day. The Mets pronounce players ready to return usually six months before they’re back on the field and they’re saying bad things already about Johan. Instead of drafting Johan, if you’re into torturing yourself, try meeting up with random people from Craigslist’s Missed Connections. Here’s one, “You didn’t tan, your freckles merged. Now I want our bodies to. I saw you at the Jiffy Lube on Tuesday. I can’t wait another 3 months or 3,000 miles.” 2012 Projections: 7-5/3.75/1.22/80 (in 120 innings)
Tommy Hanson is having his next start pushed back. Well, it’s not official yet according to the Braves. But they read Razzball, so we’ll just say it’s official now. Even if Hanson’s next start isn’t pushed back, it should be. On Saturday he looked like Rocky Dennis trying on a fitted ball cap. If you got nothing nice to say, say nothing. Athletes live by that adage. So when the media asked Hanson about his shoulder after the game on Saturday, he refused to talk about it. Earlier in the year, Hanson went to the DL with rotator cuff tendinitis. A’la Paul Hogan, “That’s not a red flag… THIS IS A RED FLAG!” My best guess is he’ll be on the Disgraceful List by this time tomorrow. What time am I writing this? Geez, a little in my business, no? Let’s just say it’s prior to dinner, but after my afternoon Cheetos break. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jason Kubel – 3-for-4 with his 9th homer. He now has three homers in the last six games. When I say hot, you say schmotato… Hot… Schmotato… Hot…Schmotato… Pot…Schmo– Gotcha!
Jesus Guzman - 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a steal. Has now hit in 9 out of his last 10 games. Jesus obviously feels right at home with the Friars.
Chase Headley – Out for 6 weeks with a fractured pinkie. His Inky, Blinky and Clyde are said to be resting comfortably.
Heath Bell – 1/3 IP, 3 ER and the blown save in Metco. If you’re upset about your treatment while a Met, that’s not exactly how you prove people wrong. Cust kayin’.
Jason Bay – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in three games, and he’s also 6 for his last 11 as he spices up the Mets’ lineup with a little of the old Bay.
Mike Minor - Hasn’t been all peaches and cream so far for Minor, but he could take Hanson’s place if he is indeed bumped. Hey, when a pitcher is struggling and bumped from a rotation, we should call that bumping uglies. Okay, carry on.
Alex Gonzalez - 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. He’s now hit in 9 of the last 10 games, which is a polite way of saying he’s hitting around .280 in the last ten games. Maybe Adam Dunn is the only one impressed by that.
Scott Baker – 6 IP, 5 ER. Sounds like he’s headed to the DL again. Too bad, so sad.
Jeremy Hellickson – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. ERA now sits at 3.05 to go with a 1.14 WHIP. His Ks are a little low, but Hellickson’s having a, um, hell of a year. I could see the Rays being conservative with his innings towards the tail end of the year once they’re (un)officially eliminated.
Carlos Carrasco – To the DL for the 2nd time with right elbow inflammation. He still has a suspension to serve too, so that’s ‘bow biding.
Shin-Soo Choo – Hitless in his first rehab game. Sounds like he picked up right where he left off!
Gordon Beckham – 1-for-4 with his 9th homer. As he crossed home plate, he should’ve bit Matt Wieters’s arm off to punctuate how this homer was him rising from the dead.
Alex Rios – 2-for-4 with a steal. Speaking of zombies, he must’ve got a talking to from his agent last week about how much money he won’t earn if he continues to lollygag because he’s 7 for his last 13. Though I wouldn’t be exactly confident in trusting him again, i.e. if you pick up Rios, you may get all wet. Spanish pun point! Or puno!
John Danks – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Is it me or is it every time Danks or Gavin Floyd seem ownable, they write “I stink” in their own excrement on the walls of your fantasy team?
J.J. Hardy – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer. If you would’ve jumped out of DeLorean in April and told me one of my best pickups in multiple leagues would be J.J. Hardy, I would’ve called you a mental patient or said I had a bunch of teams not doing very well. The latter’s not exactly untrue, assuming I know my latter from my former.
Josh Johnson – Threw for 10 minutes yesterday. Sweet, now if he can get in one pitch every three seconds, he’s ready for big league action!
J.D. Martinez – Homered on Saturday and went deep again yesterday. And that’s about all the enthusiasm I can work up for an Astros hitter. I mean, their corner outfielders right now are J.D Martinez and J.B. Shuck. Where’s I.P. Freely?
Daniel Hudson – 3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K and 3 more unearned runs for the ticker shock. Still, against the Astros? Really?
Homer Bailey – 3 IP, 5 ER. Aren’t you glad you listened to me and didn’t pick him up? Oh, you didn’t listen. Well, I guess you’ll blame that on me too.
Jay Bruce – Homered yesterday. How does he go from 12 homers in May to next to nothing for two-plus months? Does he want to be maddeningly frustrating? Because that’s about as much fun as trying to say maddeningly.
Seth Smith – The Lisper’s Nightmare went deep twith.
Placido Polanco – Said he hopes to play through a sports hernia. That takes balls.
Bobby Jenks – Undergoing a colonoscopy. Ironically enough, Colon just got his Jenks tested. It required turning to his left and coughing.
Excellers is now a word because you added it to your dictionaries. The other day I went over some 2nd half hitters. Today, it’s time for everyone’s favorite 2nd half fantasy baseball pitchers. Or maybe these won’t be your favorite pitchers. These are decisions you have to make on your own. I can walk you to the fantasy baseball water, I cannot drink it for you. Similarly to hitters, players get in grooves or slumps. So if a pitcher has been terrible for the last month, but showed flashes in the 2nd half of last year, he’s worth considering, but he’s not suddenly going to be great, i.e., recent history should be weighed, except in CC’s case unless you have a medical scale. Anyway, here’s some 2nd half fantasy baseball pitchers for 2011:
CC Sabathia – 1.56 ERA in 2008′s 2nd half to lead the league for pitchers over 60 innings. He was ranked 7th for 2nd half ERA in 2007 with a 2.76. In 2009, Chubb rock’d a 2.74 ERA, the 9th best in the majors. Though last year his ERA went up a smidge in the 2nd half to 3.29. Though, Part II: The Return of Though, that was better than his 3.52 career ERA. Though, Part III: Though Lives, all those innings on his arm could catch up to him. Though, Part IV: Though Part Three Confused Me, the innings have shown no sign of catching up to him, why would they suddenly? Though, Part V: Why Do They Keep Making Thoughs?
Roy Oswalt – Except for 2009, he’s had great 2nd halfs… Yet, I worry about his injury this year. And that yet needs a crane to get out of bed.
Wandy Rodriguez – Since 2008, his post-All-Star break ERA is 3.80. 2nd half ERA is 2.86. Though he wasn’t good at all going into the All-Star break. Damn, those thoughs (stutterer!).
Clay Buchholz – Had a 2.20 ERA in the 2nd half last year. Though (again!) with his injury, I’d proceed cautiously. You, not him.
Bronson Arroyo – I’d prefer to listen to him cover Sarah McLachlan at the latest incarnation of Lilith Fair than own him in the 1st half of a season, but every year Guitar Arroyo is better in the 2nd half. Over the last three years, his ERA is almost 2 runs lower (5.08 to 3.09).
Scott Baker – Man (or two lady readers), is everyone that is usually good in the 2nd half coming off of injury currently injured? It’s kinda rhetorical, so, ya know, no need to answer. I wouldn’t rush out and trade for Baker, but he is only supposed to miss one more start.
Carlos Zambrano – I hate when I do these posts and it doesn’t work out the way I envision it. Big Z was great last year (1.58 ERA), but he’s all over the place from minute-to-minute, let alone year-to-year. He wasn’t good in his last start and, if he showed at Wrigley wearing a Gatorade cooler as a barrel dress and Michael Barrett’s head on the end of a tiki torch, it would surprise no one.
Let’s change the way we eat, let’s change the way we live and let’s change the Twins closer. Joe Nathan is now the closer with two saves this weekend. As I kinda said last week, Matt Capps was pitching so bad, he picked up Joe Nathan in his fantasy league. And that’s me paraphrasing me! Since Joe Nathan and Ron Gardenhire met on match.com many years ago, their relationship has blossomed from heated affair to full blown love. They’re even Facebook official. Assuming Nathan doesn’t cough up five leads in the matter of a week, he should have the closer job for the rest of the season. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Scott Baker – Placed on the DL with a muscle strain in his elbow, but is only supposed to miss one more start. Mr. Baker also sounds like a Clue character. Speaking of which, Clue has been updated, which makes me feel old. There’s no more conservatory or lead pipe. Now it’s shizz like, “Colonel Mustard in the spa with the trophy.” I guess a lead pipe was too scary sounding. So murdering someone with a common object like a trophy isn’t scary? Also, Colonel Mustard in a spa? He’s a decorated officer! Clue, that’s a fail with a hashtag.
Ryan Braun – Has no get up and go because he had da calf on ice. Could be back on Monday.
John Axford – K-Rod waived his option so the Brewers could use him in any capacity, which is north of tenacity. So the Brewers chose to use K-Rod to setup Axford this weekend. “I beat up my father-in-law over much less.” Right now, you have to hold both K-Rod and Axford, but it looks like Axford is the first choice.
Jose Reyes – Supposed to return on Tuesday. I’ll believe it when I see it. “Grey, you have no faith in medicine.” That’s Jack White reading Razzball.
Jason Isringhausen – The Mets said it would be a closer by committee. Is anything done better by committee besides jerk seasoning, which is flavor by committee? Mets also said Isringhausen would get first crack, but I still believe that’s to raise his trade value.
Blake Beavan – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Has a pretty hideous K-rate, i.e., Blake not so lively. Also, Bedard’s either going to take his rotation spot or he’s going to pitch in Fenway next.
Mike Carp – Was recalled on Sunday. No relation to Mike Trout. Carp hit 21 homers in 65 games in the PCL, which is like hitting with an aluminum bat on the moon. He also doesn’t have guaranteed playing time. Obviously he’s worth a flyer right now in AL-Only leagues.
Matt Harrison – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Harrison now has an ERA of 2.91, my sweet lord. I wouldn’t pick him up because of his walks and lack of Ks, but he proves the theory that the best spot starter is the pitcher facing the Mariners in Safeco (followed closely by the Padres in Petco).
Shaun Marcum – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks and the win in Coors. Kind of start I really don’t mind being sonavabenched on. Marcum also left with a stiff neck, but he just got a Viagra stuck in his throat and should be fine for his next start.
Kyle Kendrick – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 0 Ks. I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.
Ryan Madson – 2/3 IP, 1 ER. Madson always seems to struggle when it’s being reported that he could lose his job in the near future. Stop watching Lifetime movies in the bullpen and cowboy up!
Chase Utley – 0-for-4 with his 9th steal, but only has 4 homers on the year. To fix his knee, did the doctors attach his arms to hips and put his legs on his shoulders?
Josh Beckett – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 0 walks and 6 Ks vs. Jeff Niemann (8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 2 walks, 10 Ks). Lower the mound! Beckett’s obviously an ace this year. As for Neimann, I don’t trust him because of his usually pedestrian K-rate, but this was obviously a great start against a tough team, which followed his great start vs. the Yankees. He gets the Royals and A’s next.
Alex Presley – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 4th steal. Jose Tabata who?! Um, the guy that’s going to return and take Presley’s spot. Yeah, I’m not sure how this is gonna shake out yet, but that doesn’t mean you can’t grab Presley in the mean’s while.
Brett Gardner – 3-for-4, 3 runs and 2 steals. Since May 1st, he’s hitting .318 with 22 steals. Cust kayin’.
Phil Hughes – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Hasn’t gone more than 90 pitches in any start this year. Cashman must be fine-tuning Joba Rules. Guess it’s better than Pavano Rules, which was hit Pavano over the head with a blunt object and bury him in the Pine Barrens.
Travis Snider – 2-for-4 and a steal. Hitting over .400 in the last week with three steals in the last 4 games. Russell Martin says, “You’re welcome.”
Zack Cozart – 2-for-4, hitting .400 since his call up and yesterday he homered. See, the Reds didn’t even need to go to the free clinic to rid themselves of their bad case of the Renteria’s.
Homer Bailey – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks and Bailey didn’t get hurt. It’s an early Christmas miracle!
Felipe Paulino – 7 Ip, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. That’s eight baserunners and eight Ks, not infinity. Though it may as well be for Paulino.
Grady Sizemore – Day-to-day with a knee contusion. His career trajectory is the exact opposite of everyone else who has ever taken nude photos of themselves.
Matt Wieters – 2-for-4 with a homer off Frank Herrmann. When I saw Herrmann’s last name, it made me think of one of those spray painted, graffiti shirts you and your significant other got when you were fifteen. I wonder if his wife has an Indians jersey with the last name, Hisgirl.
Nick Punto – His elbow is forcing him out for the year. Sounds like his elbow probably owns Punto in fantasy.
Chase Headley – Might need an MRI on Monday for his calf. BTW, what do you call Padre hitters that you only own in deep leagues? Deep Friars.
Danny Espinosa – 3-for-5 with his 17th homer and just missed his 18th. Anyone that has doubts about him hasn’t seen him swing the bat. On a side note, Davey Johnson came out to argue the just miss was a home run and he looks like one of those computer-aged photos of what JFK would look like now. One small step for the Nats, I suppose.
Tom Gorzelanny – Variety reported he was ankled from his start.
Jair Jurrjens – 5 IP, 6 ER as the Fangraphs Database laughed maniacally.
Mike Stanton – Hit two home runs on Saturday to bring his season total to 20. I say he hits 40+ homers next year, assuming the Mayans are wrong and there is a next year. “Why are we buying a new calender?” That’s a young Mayan talking to his elder in December.
Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4, 2 runs. Emily Boneface has the highest OBP for a leadoff hitter, has stolen 6 bases in the last week, has a 16-game hitting streak and calculated pi to 2.7 trillion decimal places.
Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-4 with a satisfying slam & legs. Hitting .383 in July with 4 homers and 2 steals. Jack McKeon just knows how to talk to the kids!
Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners (no walks), 10 Ks. That’s as impressive as I’ve seen Vazquez this year. If he’s available in any leagues, I’d get on board for his next start vs. the Padres.
Vladimir Guerrero – To the DL with a small fracture in his hand after being hit by a pitch. Orioles knew there was something wrong when Vlad saw a pitch and didn’t swing the bat.
David Aardsma – Went for Tommy John surgery. In related news, Tommy John is collecting nickels for all the times he’s mentioned. “Who needs the Hall of Fame? I got nickels, snitches!”
Peter Bourjos – To the DL, but Trout looks pretty overmatched so far. Might want to look elsewhere. In keepers, you obviously ignore early results.
Jeff Keppinger – 3-for-5 and Blanco Polanco now has homers in back-to-back games. He’s like jarred salsa; he’s not very hot, but he’ll still give you indigestion.
Matt Downs – Out while his wife, Leah, has a child. Yes, her name is Leah Downs. I’d say!
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. He’s always brilliant at home. BTW, realizing that every good pitching park ends in co — Petco, Safeco, Metco — Oakland’s stadium now goes by O.co, which I’m not even sure how to pronounce. How about, “What the eff.co?” Senior exec, “Corporate’s coming down hard on us to rebrand ourselves.” Junior exec, “How about a name that no one can pronounce?” Senior exec, “I’m gonna tell our boss that just so you’re fired, Stevens!” Later that day, Boss, “A name we can’t pronounce? That’s crazy enough to work!”
