True story: I was walking through the mall in spandex shorts and a headband, strutting really. The year was 1981. I was perhaps the most handsome, well-groomed five-year-old the planet had seen. Okay, a seven-year-old pretending to be a five-year-old. Who wants to be older? Not me, Cousin Sweatpants. So, I’m cruising for chicks, crushing the scenario, when I see this total fox. I stop her and ask for a name. She says, “Jennifer Beals,” and I say, “You’re gonna be a star, kid,” then covering my mouth I say how her fame will be short-lived but how she will get some decent character work later in life. I spotted her sex appeal two years prior to her breakout role in Flashdance. I can always spot sex appeal. It’s my cross to bear. Speaking of crosses to bear, holy Jesus Harry Christ my Tout Wars team is sexy! The league is 12-team, two-catcher, NL-Only and perhaps the most respected fantasy league in the country. Sure, we’re still mocked by 99.9% of the world, but a solid chunk of other fantasy baseballers respect the Tout! Anyway, here’s my Tout Wars team and some thoughts:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Just finished my first draft if you’re reading this as I type it, and other than one shirtless man in yellow sweatpants standing behind me in this internet cafe, I don’t think anyone’s reading this as I type it. Unless, of course, there’s micronauts living inside my brain watching as my inner monologue is sending info to my fingers. Gadzooks, I got micronauts in my brain! I wonder if these micronauts made me draft Eric Thames. I need to delve deeper into this subject. Maybe I will in my pastel journal that is covered in Giancarlo’s picture from ESPN’s nude magazine. So, I took on the monsters of the industry in an NL Only league that was hosted by Scott White of CBS and I came away with a team that is more imbalanced than Amanda Bynes. This league is deep so hold onto ye old hat. (If you want a shallower league, play against me and hundreds of your closest buddies in the Razzball Commenter Leagues. Please be a commissioner, we need leagues, thank you, and Oxford comma.) Anyway, here’s my 12-team NL-Only team and some thoughts:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Our 2017 fantasy baseball rankings are humming right along. The last post, the top 20 1st basemen for 2017 fantasy baseball, was the longest post ever written on the internet by a relatively sane person. The post before that, top 20 catchers for 2017 fantasy baseball, was the longest post ever written by a relatively insane person. Incredibly, these are the same person. Glass half sane, glass half crazy, nah mean? So, without further hubbub on the tomfoolery, the top 20 2nd basemen for 2017 fantasy baseball was shallow like how Altuve likes his pool water as recently as two years ago, but that was not the case last year, and almost rivaled 1st basemen for depth. So, that’s the same again this year, right? Well, let’s see about that. As always, my projections are included and I mention where I see tiers starting and stopping. Anyway, here’s the top 20 2nd basemen for 2017 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Steven Matz is likely done for the year after hurting his shoulder again. I’m not even joking. I kinda wish I were. NY Post writer, Joel Sherman’s headline, “How Terry Collins broke Matz news to Mets in stirring meeting.” Unless everyone had coffee, creamers and were stirring, Joel, buddy, you’re overselling. Quick aside, sportswriters assume their audience is a bunch of illiterate 8th graders. *makes farting noise with hand under armpit* That’s what I think of that. Any hoo! If I could toot my own horn, I’d never leave my house, but I told you Matz wasn’t going to start. If I were a Mets fan, I’d be particularly worried about the Mets going deep into the playoffs, because, unlike Joel Sherman, I’d like to point out this will be more innings on Gsellman and Lugo’s arms. Ya know, the same thing that got Matz, Harvey and deGrom in trouble this year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You know one of those posters where they feature celebrities from different eras that may or may not have ever been together in the same room? Like James Dean, Mickey Mouse and Lenny Bruce standing at a bar, smoking cigarettes. Okay, I’m pretty sure those three never hung out. In 75 years, when we’re all dead and buried, except for maybe some of my preteen readers — YASSSSSS I never forget you! — they will decide to make a poster featuring some standouts from this year: Trump, Hillary, Nadiya from The Great British Bake Off. Also, on that poster will be one player from the 2016 World Champion Cubs team, the last Cubs team to win the World Series in 75 years. Which player will be on that poster made from the last remaining tree? I don’t think it’ll be David Ross, prolly not Arrieta, not for this year, maybe Bryant, maybe Rizzo, maybe Hendricks and maybe Jon Lester. Yesterday, pushed forward Lester’s agenda to get on the “last tree poster” — 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.40, moving his record to 17-4, and, since the All-Star break, it’s a 1.47 ERA in 73 1/3 IP. His ERAs over the last four years: 3.75, 2.46, 3.34 and 2.40. And you thought Saberhagenmetrics were some contrived statistical model. Look in the mirror, and pfft yourself. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
It’s not much of a secret, of course; or at least, it’s not an undocumented fact: the Rockies away from Coors can be a bore with the bats. Wanna know an undocumented fact? Harambe might be a more long lasting meme than Crying Jordan when all is said and done. I don’t know how I feel about that, honestly, but #DicksOutForHarambe needs to go. NOW. Or at least, the pics preceding do…because gross. But more to the point, the Rockies and the road are the antithesis of Forrest and Jenny. Ice cream and cyanide? Gingers and souls? Jose Canseco and Grey? All important things to factor here as really, Rockies are generally trashy Mctrashersons on the road, holding down the 6th worst wRC+ while K’ing the 4th most at 23.6%. And with that, we turn to our key bold faced name for the intro: A.J. Cole. Cole’s season debut wasn’t spectacular, but definitely useful as he K’d 8 Orioles over 7 IP. He finished just short of 20 points and that was without a win and in Camden Yards. You intrigued yet? Mmm-hmm, thought so. Throw in the fact he’s only $6,300 and for once, it’s alright to get a Cole in your stocking so let’s roll. Here’s my I’m still pretending summer will last forever taeks for this Saturday DK slate…
New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday August 29th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that’s what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Carlos Correa (4-for-8, 4 runs, 4 RBIs) hit two homers across the doubleheader (three in last three games), making it look easy like North Korea during the ‘imaginary’ Olympics that are being aired in North Korea. “It looks like the U.S.A. is going to take 1st place…” Bad editing splice job, 20 second lag, bad voiceover, “And North Korea just edges out 1st place! Wow, this will be…” Bad editing splice job, obvious voiceover, “North Korea’s one billionth medal win.” By the way, are you as surprised as me that during Olympic competitions you haven’t see any of this: “Okay, Argentina will now be serving for the win. Whoa, I think the Spanish coach just unleashed a nest of mosquitos! He’s Zika’ing them out!” Seriously, no one is Zika’ing out their opponents. So, Carlos Correa found some of his footing yesterday that he showed last August/September. Wait, is he only an August and September player? Septacular! Now he’s going to get to 25+ HRs on the year and be overdrafted again next year. We need a bad editing splice job to remove his 2nd half stats for next preseason. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
One look at this week’s most added player list in ESPN fantasy baseball leagues causes me to reminisce about my younger days in the early-mid 2000s. I can vaguely remember the bar-hopping, insane amounts of alcohol consumption, and late nights that frequently occurred during that time period. One thing that I can clearly recall from those days is closing time at those various establishments when the ugly lights would come on and that Semisonic song would be blaring over the speakers, signaling that it was time to pack up and go. Stumbling out the door and finding a local diner to satiate my pork roll, egg, and cheese fix meant that it was a good night. When no diner was to be found, man was that an annoying song! Why’d you have to ruin a perfectly good evening, Semisonic? It’s all your fault. Drunken logic! But I digress. The point is that this week could easily be dubbed closing time in fantasy baseball, as there were serious changes in the late inning pecking order of several teams. Injuries to Wade Davis and Huston Street created opportunities for Kelvin Herrera (39.2% owned; +10.8% over the past week) and Cam Bedrosian (22.8%; +17.2%) in the 9th inning in Kansas City and LA respectively. The trade of Jeremy Jeffress to Texas opened the door for Tyler Thornburg (31.0%; +16.8%) to close games in Milwaukee. But the biggest gainers of the week were the new stoppers in Seattle and Houston, Edwin Diaz (57.9% owned; +44.7%) and Ken Giles (57.0% owned; +37.9%). Diaz claimed the role for the Mariners after incumbent Steve Cishek hit the disabled list, and Giles took over for the Astros for a struggling Will Harris, and fantasy owners quickly pounced on the explosive duo. Over the last 30 days, Diaz and Giles have combined for 43 strikeouts against just 5 walks and have allowed just one earned run over that span. Their swinging strike rates are 24.1% and 25.4% respectively, and they’ve each averaged over 97.5 mph on their fastballs. There might not be more than five or six closers that I’d want more than these guys right now, so grab them if the other owners in your league have been asleep at the wheel.
Here are a couple of other interesting adds/drops in fantasy baseball over the past week:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Rather than list fifteen closers that all became available in the last week, I’m going to tell you a story. Ken you dig it? Ooh, Giles (Things Are Gonna Get Easier) was a song they played at my prom. This was going to be the best day of my life. My date, Susie, had just broken up with her boyfriend, Jake, and she looked radiant that night, Barretts lined her hair like a crime scene. Only not a bad crime scene like some gruesome murder, but instead like a yellow rose Tyler’d around another rose’s Thornburg like a noose. A rose murder, which is heartbreakingly beautiful. Also, in play on this great night was Prom King, I was going to Edwin it, right as I was Diaz’ing to the Macarena. Wait, maybe my dancing would help me win a Tony too, ya know, this wasn’t elementary school my dear, Watson. This felt like a scene out of an 80s movie with Charlie Sheen née Carlos Estevez. When the announcement came, I held Susie’s hand, it was hot — 373 on the Kelvin scale — and her palm was Herrera. Gadzooks, I exclaimed. Then Jim won, and I went home with my Johnson, but no Herrera palm. Oh well, guess I’ll have to take down my Cam I set up by my Bedrosian. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
After producing disappointing results over the first four months of the 2016 season, it was pretty clear that the Los Angeles Angels would be sellers prior to this year’s trading deadline. The problem was that, outside of Mike Trout, there didn’t appear to be too many desirable players to sell off to contending teams. Jered Weaver and Huston Street have been absolutely terrible. Garrett Richards and C.J. Cron are currently injured. Perhaps Kole Calhoun could be moved for something of value, though it’s unlikely that any serious contenders would view him as a significant upgrade for their teams. Getting another team to take on even a fraction of Albert Pujols’ massive contract would be an effort in futility. Outside of Trout, the Angels have basically been the Bad News Bears of Major League Baseball. However, there has been one bright spot for the Halos recently. This week’s most added fantasy player, 25-year-old starting pitcher Tyler Skaggs (37.4% owned; +28.4% over the past week), looks to be a potential building block for the Angels going forward. Since returning from Tommy John surgery earlier this summer, Skaggs has looked like a different pitcher from the one that he was pre-injury. The velocity on his fourseam fastball has spiked to a career high 93.46 mph, and his curveball looks as good as ever. He’s followed up seven dynamite rehab starts in triple A (12.53 K/9, 1.67 ERA) with two scoreless outings (0 ER and 13 Ks in 12.1 IP) following his big league promotion just over a week ago. The big southpaw has always kept the ball on the ground (46.4% career GB%), and he’s only allowed 2 homers in 51.2 combined innings across all levels this season. If you’re looking for an upside arm down the stretch, take a flier on Skaggs.
Here are a couple of other interesting adds/drops in fantasy baseball over the past week:Please, blog, may I have some more?