“Who is the Dodgers ace?” asks the Fox Sports newscaster in Los Angeles, after the special report on “Where are the stars shopping for their Emmy gowns?” and “Juicing? Is it good for you?” and “A high-speed pursuit ends in an In-N-Out drive-thru,” and “Actresses over 24 years old may not be washed up after all,” and “Shopkeeper puts up sign to ‘Vote Republican’ and gets looted.” So, who is the Dodgers ace? On Saturday, Clayton Kershaw went 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners with 14 Ks, ERA down to 2.68. My Magic Eight Ball says this is the year the Dodgers hop on Kershaw’s back, march through the playoffs and justify every crackers move Mattingly’s done in his managerial career. Sometimes knowing the future really bums me out. Not to be outdone, on Sunday, Zack Greinke went 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners with 11 Ks, and lowered his ERA to 1.30. Soon he won’t be able to lower his ERA anymore (math is my strong suit). I’m totally done doubting Greinke…or am I?! No, not the ellipsis reversal! Ah! As I ranked in the top 100 for the 2nd half, Kershaw is way above Greinke in terms of, well, everything. Greinke is also not a 1.30 ERA pitcher, but no one really is, except maybe Kershaw. Greinke is definitely a number one though; this isn’t all luck. He has a 8+ K/9, 1.4 BB/9 and 3.05 xFIP, which is essentially nice, aw sooky, nice. A “nice aw sooky” sandwich, if you will. Then there’s the fact that Greinke hasn’t allowed a run in 43 2/3 IP. Orel Hershiser doesn’t scoff at that, maybe he yawns, then does a small double take when no one is looking. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I sat down Friday night and started watching Shark Tank for the first time. Wow, have I been missing out on a beautiful reality show. No B.S., I have been binge watching it all weekend. I know, I know, Grey has been pimping this reality masterpiece for years. Grey, you were right and I won’t doubt your reality lotharioness ever again. This show got me thinking about how I choose my creeper and how in some ways that I am the shark. I’m looking at numbers and schedules every week to buy the creeper. Based on the arguments in my head, I choose my player to invest in. Pretty easy. Now, what would you guys… and girls think of this new concept I thought of yesterday while chatting with Grey? Each week next season, instead of one contributor picking a creeper, we have several contributors each make one sell for a creeper? Take all those sells and combine them into one post and you peeps can decide what creeper you believe in. Just a thought.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Even with the break thanks to All-Star festivities, injuries happen, and thus, Ambulance Chasers happens. The majority of today’s blurbs are positive, which is rare for the Ambulance Chasers. Three cheers for mostly good news! For even more good news, we here at Razzball have partnered up with The Infirmary Report to showcase their lovely and comprehensive spreadsheet of injuries. You can find the full spreadsheet from The Infirmary Report below the player blurbs.

Francisco Liriano, Pirates: The southpaw was a late scratch from yesterday’s schedule start with the team citing neck tightness. The Bucs announced Vance Worley would take Liriano’s start less than an hour before game time, though no word on whether or not Worley will take Liriano’s rotation spot if need be.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Hey look, it’s all-star week. Wonderful… stupendous… greaaaaat *said in sarcastic monotone voice* Real baseball? Blah! Give me games so I can play my game. I can’t even go to Draftkings… or can I? *writes note to text Sky* From my many years of watching movies and television shows I have gathered that a play is in two acts. I could look this up, but I don’t want the government thinking I’m going to plays. Speaking of the theater, I was watching Little Nikita the other night while I fought with my insomnia and was surprised when I found out that it was directed by the same guy that directed my Week 14th Update and this all star cast classic. Sorry guys… and girls, that was a whole lot of unnecessary, here is a good baseball fight clip for you, for putting up with me. Prior to the break, I had been ranking players by combining what they had done, what they will do, and to a small degree, their trade value. All in all, it was always looking forward. Today, I am traveling in time (but not really), to give you my top-100 ROS. Think of it as a clean slate for some, an endorsement of others, and a dumping on of those that I don’t like for the second half. So put on your head band on and let’s go to the future. Oh, wait, before moving on to the list I want you to know there is no creeper this week nor a frankencatcher. They will return next Sunday when we have full week ahead of us!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

You can think whatever you want about Juan Uribe. I don’t care what anyone thinks, he is one of the most unique players in baseball. A classic character from yesteryear. He has to be a latin 50. Have you seen a pic of him? His player page said 36… looks more like 56. But I ain’t hatin’. Have you seen how this pimp rolls? He works that cardigan harder than no other! To elevate his pimptatude even more is his love of slapping bones, which from what I hear is his clubhouse racket. Ryu looks locked in, kinda like the way he pitches. He must of been pissed when they traded Uribe since I heard they are boys. Enough about what a badass Uribe is off the field, I like him this week and below I’ll go over why. He’s a one of a kind playa’! Before moving on, I couldn’t believe how many songs have “one” in the title. It’s kinda cray. One of my favorites is a cover of a popular band redone by another popular artist and he kills it. And before you think anything, I don’t like the band he covered. I just wanted to put that out there. One more cut from the man with one in the title. Okay, I’m done. I will go back to the misery of having lost Springer and Miggy in the ‘perts league. I’ve been doing heavy doses of the blues, Hank Williams and Johnny Cash. I miss you guys! *wipes tear* Grey dodged a bullet there.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Dude’s on fire. No. Need better! He is a high-speed torrent download of a yule log burning. Need better! He is Smokey the Bear at a Porno for Pyros concert, wearing earbuds and listening to Firestarter by Prodigy. Need better still! He’s a pyrotechnician smacking a sparkler out of your hand and giving you instead the detonator for the Statue of Liberty’s 4th of July celebration fireworks. Yesterday, Mitch Moreland went 2-for-3 with 4 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homers, and now has five homers in four games and six homers in six games. I already told you yesterday that Moreland has been better than Brandon Belt, Lucas Duda and Brandon Moss, and some other corner infidels, according to our Player Rater. That’s on the year, not in the last week. In the last week, Moreland’s been better than everyone. Let’s take a hootie-hoo at who Moreland has more homers than on the year: Prince Fielder, Beltre (not close), Adam Jones, Big Papi, Tommy Tomstein, Freeman, Yoenis, Billy McDugal, Kris Bryant, Tulo, McClutchin and Sandoval. Sure, some of those guys I only named to rub salt in my own wounds — I hate you, Sandoval! — and other guys I mentioned don’t even exist, but Mitch don’t kill my vibe for the better part of the season now, and, if he’s available, I’d grab him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I love me a hot schmotato almost as much as I love me a hot Latina. [Jay’s Note: I prefer the angry Latina.] Yes, it is true, I love Latin women more than fantasy baseball, except this week, when I love me some Eddie Rosario. He’s been a warming hitter looking primed to have a break out sooner than later, and I’m betting my money on this week. I know he has nothing to do with Rosario Dawson but I’ll take any chance to look at her pics and this beautiful gif (I couldn’t put that in the article for fear Jay would of removed it). It’s crazy to think she started her career in Kids and how much of a game changer that flick was. Will Eddie R be a game changer for you this week? I like the chances for that to occur and if you keep reading I will do my best to convince you why I like him, but before I do that, one more Rosario Dawson clip for the road… okay maybe not, the Alexander clip is very NSFW, but you can look it up on your own.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

What is not to love about Marlon Byrd? He is one of twenty-one hitters who have 49 homeruns over the past two seasons, and is on pace this year to hit over 20 bombs again. He has been on the DL since June 2nd and just came off this past Friday. I understand the batting average is something to be concerned with, but even if that’s your issue, he is still a donkey (the flying donkey to be exact), and donkeys are useful… and they are really darn useful in fantasy baseball. You rent them like a lady-friend on a trip to Vegas, and if they bring you some winnings, you keep them around a few days to give you a place to rest your hand. Now, like our friends in Vegas, you never keep them around any longer than your trip. Byrd could be a creep-to-own, so be prepared to hold if he comes out of the gate hot. But enough about Byrd, I’ll cover him below. It’s Fathers Day today, and being that my dad introduced me to the Yardbirds, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t add some title-related links into the fold, as I know you enjoy it and I think it irks Jay.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

When looking up something with bore in it to link this title to a video, I came across the classic (to me) Clint Eastwood flick Heartbreak Ridge. Oh how I love this movie… so many classic lines that I used as a child and still use to this day. Hell, some are even good for fantasy. Let me see a show of hands, who has seen clusterf**k used on one of these pages? Oh that’s right, we are over the net and I can’t see you. I’ll take my word for it. What gunny Highway taught us besides the CF concept is how to talk to the police, how to greet an old friend, how to be a smart ass, and how to deal with fat guys in prison. Hopefully you never have to deal with the latter. You might be asking yourself, what this has to do with the creeper and the top 100 hitters, and it has everything to do with it. In the movie, he presses his credo on his men to improvise, adapt, overcome. That is what we have to do, because offensively it has been a real clusterf**k this year with so many hitters getting hurt and so many going through streaks like a hairdresser in cosmetology school. Ummm, I might have to explain that last one. When I was in junior college, I was an automotive major and right next to us were all the cosmetology classes. We mingled a lot with the ladies over there, but it was really hard to keep track with who was who, because they would always change their hair color and streaks. Anythehoo, I used to build engines and now I build rosters!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Chi Chi Gonzalez went 7 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.42. Hey, Major League Baseball retired that number! If this pitching thing ever stops working out for Gonzalez, he can go into Eastern medicine, and open a clinic called Chi Chi’s. Or a tea shop called Chai Chi. Or a tea shop where all the workers are dressed in karate apparel called Chai Tai Chi. Or how about a karate, Eastern medicine clinic that serves tea called Chai Tai Chi Chi’s? Or how about a Mexican restaurant called Chi-Chi’s? Or how about a karate, Eastern medicine clinic that serves tea and Mexican food called Chai Tai Chi Chi Chi-Chi’s? I can keep going. So what’s the deal deal with Chi Chi? He had a 5.4 K/9 in Triple-A with a 4 BB/9. I don’t even know why he was called up let alone has done so well. Sure, he gets ground balls, but how big is Elvis Andrus’s mitt? Seventeen feet wide and twenty feet long? I mean, this is ridiculous. Through three games started in the majors, he has a 3.3 K/9 and 4.2 BB/9. Hahahahaha…Breathe, Grey, breathe! I almost lost it there. Wow, is that silly. So, Chi Chi has been cha-ching, but if I owned him, I’d cash out my Chi Chi chips. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?