Fantasy Baseball Advice

Later, Hawai’ian.  Hello, Eric Hosmer.   Or as Hosmer might say, “W’oh!”  In Triple-A this year, Hosmer had 3 homers and 3 steals in 98 ABs.  Year before, 20 homers, 14 steals between Double-A and High-A.  Bye, A!  The average has been great too.  He looks like Votto to me.  To take that comparison past the point where it’s still making sense, Votto had 24 homers, 7 steals and a .297 average his first full year.  He was 24 though, Hosmer is 21 — I’ll pinch your cheeks you’re so young, you!  If Hosmer hits 24 homers with a .297 average this year, I’ll shave my ‘stache, glue it to the middle of my forehead and tattoo lips below it.  He’s just a bit too raw.  Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t own him everywhere.  You take the rookie flyer because if it pans out the trade value inflates like Butler’s moobs after he drinks a quart of milk.  Conservatively, I’ll give Hosmer 17 homers, 6 steals and .280.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brandon Lyon – Lyon was the lead until Hosmer got the call.  Rudy came up with titles and everything, so you get a bonus lead-in today.  Discarded titles were, “Lyon Sent To Vet,” “Lyon Caged, Astro Fans Rejoice,” and, “Astros Stop Lyon To Themselves.” Lyon has a torn rotator cuff.  They should get the doctor that made Lee Majors bionic cause Lyon needs all the help he can get.  Mark Melancon is the man to own in Houston, though the word out of the 5th ward is Ed Wade’s Toupee is trying to lose every game the rest of the season, or at least his GM’ing makes it seem that way.  Seriously, he can’t even pick out a decent toupee and he’s going to GM a major league team?  He looks like a Computer Science teacher who’s still teaching BASIC.  Melancon isn’t the meow’s cat or anything.  His fastball is kinda whatever, but he gets some Ks, groundballs and Lyon is out.  I’d own Melancon everywhere, he could run with the job all year.

Melky Cabrera – Hit his third homer to put the pressure on Justin Morneau to keep pace.

Josh Johnson – 7 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Was clotheslined today by his manager after leaving Johnson in until he gave up a 3-2 lead.  Michael Dunn proceeded to make it a Hart Attack by letting two inherited runners come in on a Berkman HR.

Eduardo Sanchez – Got the save.  He’s the closer!  Maybe!  He might have the job until he blows it.  Or not!  He’s worth owning for the off chance La Russa has made up his feathered-hair covered mind.  “Look at my hair!  It falls naturally like the feather in Forrest Gump.”  Whatever, La Russa.

Albert Pujols – 3-for-3 as Nick Punto played 2nd base.  See, Punto was playing today and not able to don Pujols’ jersey and take an 0-for-4.  I’m the monkey-fightin’ Oliver Stone of fantasy baseball ‘perts!

David Price – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Maybe he knew what he was talking about in not knowing what I was talking about.

Brennan Boesch – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer.  Or a Boesch & Bomb.  Bee tee dubya, 2 homers after over a month isn’t great.

Jose Valverde – 1 IP, 1 ER.  Give Al Alburquerque a chance!  Santa K, New Mexiclosero!

Brett Myers – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Not to toot my own horn — though if I could I’d never leave my house — but I never bought into Myers’ early success.  Take that, snitches!

Jason Bourgeois – 2 steals.  Holy SAGNOF, Batman!  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You can hardly wait.  No, you!

Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Astros.  Was a pretty easy matchup, but I guess it’s safe to get him back in your lineups.  To be honest, I’ve sorta lost my patience with Bailey and won’t be adding him anywhere, which, of course, means he’ll be terrific.  It’s reverse psyching-out-yourself psychology.  Or maybe it’s confirmation bias.  Or maybe I should’ve paid attention in Psych 101.

Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 3 Runs and his 6th homer.  I’m not lucky, I’m Bruce’d.  Yes.

Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell but if you haven’t picked him up by now, you lose.  If you don’t trust me, look at his K/9 and K/BB.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Member in the preseason when I made my off-the-wall prediction that Marcum would start the All-Star game?  His ERA is 2.06.  Cust kayin’.

Raul Ibanez – 3-for-4 with his 2nd home run in two games.  Super hard to get excited about this schmohawk, but he is currently hitting.  Hot schmotato’s come in all forms, ya’ll.

Ryan Sweeney – 5-for-6, 2 RBIs.  Sweeney wins the coveted prize of “I have absolutely nothing to say about him either positively or negatively.”  Show him what he wins!  A brand new 2011 Ellipsis! …

Shin-Soo Choo – 0-for-5, hitting .226 on the year.  Is he still drunk?

Peter Bourjos – 3-for-4, 4 Runs as he achieved the rare golden runbrero.

Mark Trumbo – Hit his third homer in his last four games.  Too bad the Sciosciapath only plays him four times a week.

Erick Aybar – 4-for-6, 2 steals.  Obviously just the sight of Varitek in the dugout gets opposing baserunners excited.

John Lackey – 4 IP, 8 ER.  Angels treated their old teammate like an inmate riot treats a cruel guard.  Shiv!  Shiv!  Shiv!

Jonathan Broxton – Has a bone spur on his elbow and is likely headed to the DL.  Don’t take my word for it.  Here’s what Broxton had to say, “I’m fat.”  Alrighty then!  I’d own Kuo, Padilla and Jansen in deep leagues.

Mike Pelfrey – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Whatever, wouldn’t trust him, need to get dressed to go celebrate my Chicano brothers with tequila, moving on.

Eric Chavez – Has a broken foot.  So I ask you, Eric Chavez wants to tandem skydive with you, do you agree?  If you do agree, do you make sure your Last Will and Testament is in good order?

Jonathan Sanchez – 5 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Bochy said Sanchez is “drifting mentally.”  Bochy became concerned when Sanchez started playing his Nintendo DS during a 3-1 count.

Scott Rolen says he’s going to try to avoid the DL because of his hamstring.  Dusty said, “Too bad he can’t pitch because they don’t use their legs.  Except in soccer.”  It doesn’t sound too promising for Rolen.  Injuries are old hat for Rolen.  He makes everyone else besides Glass Chipper seem healthy.   On top of the injury, Rolen was hitting .182 in July with zero homers.  If I owned him, I’d hope he went to the DL, so I can store him on my DL while grabbing another player.  Either way, I’d start making other plans because a Rolen that’s playing injured isn’t an exciting hitter to have on your team.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Drew Stubbs – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th steal to go along with his 13 homers.  He’s batting .500 over the last week and has been valuable the whole year, even with the ridiculous amount of strikeouts.  Would’ve been a good player to fingercuff.

Jonny Gomes – 3-for-4, 3 Runs and his 2nd home run in the last three games.  The Reds are 2nd in the majors with home, er, homers and top five in hitting overall.  If you want to know how the Blue Jays would be if they were in the NL Central, look no further.

Dexter Fowler – Didn’t start in yesterday’s game and was seen icing his knee.  Who does he think he is, Duff Goldman?

Ubaldo Jimenez – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  You’re feeling a little silly if back in May you named your kid, Ubaldo.

Troy Tulowitzki – Could return as soon as next Wednesday.  I was trying to acquire him last week, but wasn’t able to.  Maybe you give it a whirlski?

Mike Stanton – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Still only batting .235 on the year, but watching him hit makes me think he can be a 30 homer guy as early as next year.  Yes, at 21.  Could be a great one for a long time.

Brandon Inge – Out for 4-6 weeks with a broken pinkie.  Inky, Blinky and Clyde are said to be fine.  The other day I was just thinking to myself that I can’t believe I have Inge on a team considering how yawnstipating he’s been this year.  Way to kick me in the ass to look for something better on waivers.  Now if only Chone Figgins would get knocked out for 6 weeks too.

Roy Oswalt – Says he’ll make his next start.  To read between the words, he’s saying, “God, yes, I’m healthy, now someone please trade for me.”

Wade Davis – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now has back-to-back quality starts after rumors started flying that Hellickson would be called up to replace him.  Guess he needed Hellickson to light a fire under him.  (<–sorta pun!  You know, fire under him… Hellickson… Yeah, if you have to explain it, you probably shouldn’t bother.)  On a more serious note, Davis has been terrible this year.  An under 6 K/9, around a 4 BB/9.  Really uninspiring numbers.  Will be hard to recommend him next year if he doesn’t step up his game.

Evan Longoria – 3-for-5 with his 14th steal to go along with his 13 homers.  Wait, I know this one!  That’s David Wright!  Pretty cool impersonation.  Okay, Victorino’s out-homering you, how about you start hitting some home runs?  Thank you.

Yunel Escobar – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in two games.  After the game, he dedicated today’s home run to ‘the Cox that said I don’t care.’  Yes, you should pick up Yunel.  Never underestimate a talented, unmotivated guy who’s suddenly motivated.  See contract years of Beltre and brief moments of sanity by Milton Bradley.

Daniel Hudson – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has 10 Ks in 10 2/3 innings, but he’s giving up far too many baserunners.  If this wasn’t the M’s in Safeco (the worst home hitting team in the majors), I’d consider it a bigger step in the right direction.  BTW, Daniel’s middle name is Clairborne.  Hehe…  Dork!

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs with his 12th home run.  See what he’s doing now?  He’s roping you in for next year.  I can see it already.  Random fantasy ‘pert, “Blah blah blah A-Ram’s 2nd half numbers blah blah blah.”

Carlos Silva – 1 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners.  I think if I were selling my soul, I would’ve asked to be good for the whole season instead of just the 1st half.

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 21st homer as Ian Stewart also went yard for his 12th homer.  Winning Daily Double Donkey Day tickets can now be redeemed.

Scott Baker – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 13 baserunners, 1 K.  Nice that Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome is pitching friendly for the visitors.  Just swell.  Bravo on a terrific season, Baker.  Please take a lap around the puma cage at your local zoo.

Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-6 with 2 homers.  How funny will it be if Soberera misses out on the Triple Crown because Bautista leads the league in homers?

Brennan Boesch – 1-for-7.  He was in last week’s Sell.  Yup.

Nelson Cruz – 3-for-6, 4 RBIs with his 12th homer and 11th steal.  Personally, I’m just happy any day he’s healthy.  All you have to do is show up in the Rangers lineup and you get a few RBIs and Runs.  Well, except for…

Chris Davis – 0-for-7.  Ticker two seasons!  When can we just lump him in with Chris Shelton?  I’m not bluffin’ on Davis’ nothin’.

Chris Johnson – 3-for-5 with his first career homer.  Now has a four game hitting streak, and he’s playing every day.  I wouldn’t go near him yet in anything but deep leagues, but he’s worth watching.

Jon Rauch – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Now back-to-back Kazaams!

Justin Morneau – Will miss another week of games due to his concussion, but the Twins aren’t sure as Gardenhire said, “No one knows.  The doctors can only guess too.”  If I had known guessing was all that was involved, I would’ve stuck the course with pre-med.  Another thing I wish someone told me.

Ryan Sweeney – Tough blow for the A’s as they lose their number three hitter to season-ending surgery.  He was on pace for 2 homers, 0 steals and 50 RBIs.  Okay, all kidding aside, but was he on pace to be the worst three hitter in the history of the game?

Chris Capuano – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. a Dreadless Pirate lineup.  I see you moving your cursor towards picking up Capuano.  Stop and back away from your computer.  Go splash some coffee on your face.  You’re sleepwalking.

Prince Fielder – 1-for-4 with his third homer in 3 games.  Last week I traded for Fielder in a league where I needed power.  I sent Berkman and The Adverb for Chubb Rock and Ben Sheets.  Not exactly a humdinger.  Really a needs trade.  I needs me some power and the other guy needs him some pitching.  First time I’ve owned Sheets in probably four years.  If it wasn’t a 20 team league, I would’ve dropped him.  I benched him yesterday, if you’re keeping score during this roundup.

Madison Bumgarner – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Doesn’t his name sound made up?  Like it’s a gag name Bart Simpson would have Moe announce to the bar.

Manny Ramirez – Headed for another MRI and might need to go back to the DL.  Don’t even tell me Vladimir Shpunt is a quack.

James McDonald – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He should be able to strikeout around 8 K/9, but he had a 4+ ERA in the minors this year.  I wouldn’t expect him to do better in La La Land.  Could be a decent gamble in H2H and NL-Only leagues, but I’d hold off for now in roto mixed leagues.

Jose Reyes – 2-for-5 as the Mets announced Reyes is only a few days away from returning.

Mike Pelfrey – 1 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  As I said three weeks ago, “I just popped a zit in the mirror and spelled out, “You can probably do better than Pelfrey.””  And that’s me quoting my zit!

Jayson Nix – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs while Jason Donald went 2-for-5 with 2 RBIs as they battle it out to see who sits when Asdrubal returns.  You can stack Nix vs. Donald right up there with some of the classic battles of all-time like Ali vs. Frazier or Sam vs. Frasier.

I’m just going to jump right in with this moron, or morron, as he’d spell it. First, a Karabell title, “Euphoric about Eugenio; closers, Bush, mail.” Eugenio who? Velez, the guy who should have one hand tied to the barrel of a bat so all he can do is bunt. He’s cheap speed. But so is chasing down a rock of crack with Red Bull. You wanna see helicopters? I’ll show you helicopters! Razzball pimped Velez too, back in March. Karabell’s pimping him in July. Since Karabell advised you pick him up three weeks ago, Velez has started three games. Sweet! How about giving Eric Chavez a pickup for some pop? Does anyone know why Luis Polonia’s not in Yahoo? He played baseball as hard as he pedophile’d!

Then Karabell pokes his finger around in Bush to see if it moves. There’s some life there, but how many people can you put in this schmohawk while Jeremy Guthrie is owned in 32.9% of ESPN leagues? Guthrie has 17 Quality Starts. Haren is tops in all of baseball with 19. Since he pimped out his Bush, ten runs in 19 innings. Sweet! The crux of his argument is that Bush is all right by him, but he should be played home and away by Yost. Yeah, double your trouble — literally.  Moving on before I fall into an idiotic coma.

His next post title was, “Ortiz, Chipper, Liriano, weekend watch.” David Ortiz, his choice for AL MVP (seriously, you can’t make up shizz this stupid), was predicted to absolutely go off as soon as he returned from the DL. 1 HR, 6 RBIs since his return three weeks ago. Okay, that works. Cool. Now if I can figure out how to get Matt Holliday into every other hitting spot on my team, I’ll be all set. Thanks. Then he went on to say Jeff Baker was an absolute add. “(Jeff Baker) is hardly a fluke, and the fact he’s hitting .522 since the break and .400 in the No. 2 spot in the order aren’t things suddenly about to end.” Jeff Baker is in a 3-for-36 slump and has been benched in three of the last six games. Awesome! Maybe I can slot him into my Utility slot when Ortiz isn’t playing.

I’ll leave you with this last piece of Eric Karabell anti-advice, “I would never sit Ryan Sweeney of the A’s, assuming he could stay healthy. He takes walks, hits doubles and steals bases. I’d like to see him get 500 at-bats.” Rather than have you look up his stats, I’ll just give them to you. In 272 at-bats, he is 36/3/36/.294/8. Over 500 at-bats, that makes Randy Winn seem exciting. How do I get into a league with Karabell? I can see it now, “What do you think about Ryan Sweeney for Arod?” “Hater, that sounds like a go picture!”  What an effin’ jackfruit. Until next time… Karabell, go get your shinebox!