Okay, sue me for Safecoexual Erasment, but I need some Erasmo Ramirez right now. Who is stopping him? Joe Saunders, The Harangutan or is it Jeremy Bonderman? Whips and chains excite me, but Bonderman does absolutely nothing for me. The tantric Mariners will eventually succumb to an Erasm. They have to. They are pleasure seekers like all of us fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!). Ewww, just got the shudders talking about my mom with all of these double entendres. “Grey, your moostasha is full, but I don’t like this dirty word talk!” That’s my mom fresh off the boat from Sicily. Ramirez has an under 2 BB/9 and over 9 K/9 in Triple-A this year, and he’s not an out of the blue pitcher or without major league seasoning. Last year with the M’s, he threw 59 IP with a 3.36 ERA and an even 1.00 WHIP. There was even talk he’d start the year in the Mariners rotation, until he got injured. He’s fully healthy right now and blowing people away, biding his time for entry into the M’s rotation. Looking for that pitcher that could be this year’s Kris Medlen? Look no further! Unless, of course, you’re looking about 3 inches short of your computer screen, then look a little further. What does the Buysellatops think? It doesn’t think; it’s a dinosaur! I realize Erasmo pronounced backwards is, “I’m sorry,” but he won’t disappoint. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
For all you Jersey kids out there, yesterday’s game title is, “Holland Tunnels Yanks.” For all you Jersey kids out there who have been stuck in traffic in the Holland Tunnel on a hot day, “Holland Dutch Ovens the Yankees.” For all of you history nerds, “Holland Takes Back New Amsterdam.” By the way, I’d be surprised if I was the first person who thought of this, but I’ve never heard it before, so here goes: What is New Jersey shaped like? Kid from Kid ‘n Play. It is totally rocking the flat-top. Right? Damn, I totally would’ve failed me a Rorschach test. So Derek Holland put two peaches together yesterday and made a plum of a start with the line: 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 Hits, 2 BBs and 7 Ks. Holland is what he is, which is a decent 3rd to 4th fantasy starter. The Stream-o-Nator predicted this beaut. Know why? The Yankees aren’t good usually (23rd overall for OPS), but are hideous vs. lefties (27th overall). These aren’t your slightly older brother’s Yankees. Right now, George Steinbrenner is rolling over in his grave, though that is partially because he was facing Billy Martin. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You wanted to sell R.A. Dickey, but no one was buying. Seeing last year as a fluke. Said he couldn’t do it again. Said you had too much fruit in your tapioca for even drafting him. They told you go fly a kite with Dickey, but not around children or it would be weird. Then Dickey throws a two-hit shutout yesterday with 6 Ks and you showed them that the only good thing that ever came out of being a naysayer is horse whispering. Or did you? Do you know anything more about Dickey than you did two days ago? He says he’s been dealing with cold weather and a sore back and he’s blaming the WBC. Excuses are like Alcides Escobar, everyone has one and they all smell. Did Dickey’s back suddenly clear up? Because he gave up six earned in his last start. Was the weather in his last start cold and Dickey shrunk up? This shutout was against the Rays, who are now 10 for their last 99 against him. They see Dickey and immediately go limp. Finally, your Dickey looks to be pointing in the right direction, but I wouldn’t start writing his name on your underpants just yet. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ike Davis could return next weekend. In other words, he’s moved one step closer to the plate in Metco. It only took him three months. He reminds me of myself in Little League. I was a solid .300, top of the order-type. People would marvel at how I would never strikeout. More Placido Polanco than Joey Votto, if those guys weren’t in Little League themselves at the time. Then I got beaned and I lost my nerve. Started standing five feet off the plate, not even able to reach the inside corner, and would bail out of the batter’s box as the pitcher wound up. That led me on a journey of self-discovery through girls, drugs, the falling baseball card market, fro-yo and hip-hop. So, I’m glad to see Ike has figured things out and won’t be joining the already overcrowded fantasy baseball blog market. Since there’s no mention of Ike being a scared little girl (with respect to our four girl readers), I have no idea why he didn’t just move closer to the plate three months ago. But he has now. There’s a chance he’s just as bad on recall, but I’d absolutely take a flyer on Davis if I had room in any league. A .255 hitter that could hit 20 homers (which he did last year in the 2nd half) in 3 months doesn’t grow on trees (except in remote parts of Indonesia). Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jurickson Profar called up to replace The Ian Kinsler DL Experiment. I’ll wait here while you go add Profar in your league. Okay, back? Good! If you’re not back yet, then you’re not reading this, so let me clear the air, I slept with your sister. Baseballstar Profarlactica is the safest bet from catching the prospect hype virus in the known universe. First (after all those other firsts), let’s see what Scott, our prospect writer, wrote, “Profar brings legit 20-20 potential, along with .300+ AVG, and an OBP north of .350. From shortstop, that sort of production would be enormous. Here’s Grey’s Jurickson Profar fantasy. Also check out my Top 25 Prospects for 2013, where Profar came in at #15. I also slept with your sister.” Damn, hope those other people still aren’t back. I’d grab Profar in every league. Yes, even yours. My guess is he will hit. My 2nd guess is C. Always guess C. That advice can get you into an Ivy League school. I didn’t go to one, ergo, henceforth, vis-à-vis, I had to Google whether or not Ivy League was capitalized. If he hits, Profar could be here to stay with the Rangers saying, “Yo, Profar is hitting so let’s keep him and move Kinsler to the outfield. Or just put a “Hockey sucks” t-shirt on Andrus and drop him off in Winnipeg.” If Profar doesn’t hit, he’ll be sent back down and no one will need to go to Winnipeg. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
So nice to see Yu. Saludos, my Darvish. Come on, let’s mingle. You know, my dear, my father used to say to me, Grey, don’t be a schnook. It’s not how Yu feel. It’s how Yu look. And you, Darvish, you look absolutely marvishlous. Cole Hamels — bleh. R.A. Dickey — eh. Yu Darvish — absolutely marvishlous! When a beautiful girl passes or when you see something you know you may never see again, what do you say? I say, oohbeekadoobie like I’m Billy Crystal impersonating Sammy Davis Jr. Nothing else can express the start Darvish had last night. Oohbeekadoobie, baby, oohbeekadoobie. That’s all I have. Sure, it’s a nonsensical word that’s origin of meaning is bupkis, but when one comes face-to-face with wonder, one is left with nothing but oohbeekadoobie. Just like Darvish pulled up just short of a perfect game, I’ll pull up short of saying he’s a number one/top ten starter off of one start in April vs. the Astros. The Astros, mind you, who are put together as a team the same way you used to put together pick up games. If you have a glove and bat, you can play for them. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Brandon Beachy left Saturday’s start with a sore elbow. Usually when pitchers have a sore elbow it means one of two things. One, they’re going on the DL for a long period of time. Or two, they’re going to say they’re going on the DL for only 15 days but it will be a long time. Yeah, those are kinda the same things, but it adds a little flare when I break them up into two things. My English Comp professor would’ve said, “Grey, you add filler on top of your filler then you put commas where they’re not supposed to be then, add more filler. Have you considered a math major?” I told you to sell him about two weeks ago, but I understand how hard it is to sell an overperformer, so many of you were probably stuck with Beachy, or stranded, as the case may be. I’d DL him and hope for better news heretothen. Bee tee dubya, I just made up heretothen. Pretty good, right? Feel free to use it for the rest of twelve after twenty. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Kris Medlen – The Braves stretched out Medlen, then yo-yo’d all over the place with what he should and would be doing. Fredi Gonzalez said, “I have enough problems to worry about since I can’t pitch Venters 400 innings this year.” Now with Beachy’s injury, Medlen remains in the bullpen. Yup. Instead, the Braves are filling Beachy’s rotation spot with Jair Jurrjens. Obviously, the Braves management threw a dart at a board to fill the rotation spot and said dart landed in a nearby toilet.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I don’t necessarily love Adam LaRoche. Or LaLove him, for that matter. Sure, I’d like him more if he slept with a groupie then screamed, “And that’s how you screw LaPooch!” But I have no way of knowing that, and thinking of LaRoche having groupies is like thinking people actually buy John Tesh CDs. Though I do enjoy La Bouche — want to be my lover, be my lover! LaRoche reminds me of the guy you have on your team that you’re looking to drop all season long for anyone that’s hot, but still gives you 25 homers and passable counting stats. Strike that, he doesn’t remind me of that guy. He is that guy. Are you gonna wake up one morning and say to yourself, “I may have been fired, can’t make my mortgage payment this month and have yellow pits on my favorite t-shirt, but I own LaRoche… Today’s gonna be a good day!” Nah, son, shizz ain’t gonna be that sunny, but he’s hitting and healthy and should be owned. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Hector Santiago – On the podcast the other day, I distinctly remember saying (in my high-pitched Jersey accent that actually makes dogs howl) that Addison Reed would end up with more saves than Santiago this year. Well, la dee whatever, right now you should own Santiago.Please, blog, may I have some more?
That sound you hear is my heart going a pitter patter for Brandon Belt. That sound you might also hear is Bruce Springsteen on my iTunes. He’s singing the September 11th Telethon version of My City Of Ruins. It gives me chills eleven years later. Now to completely sully that beautiful image, I keep hearing, “Now the sweet veils of fantasy… Drift through the evening news… Young men at my corner…Like scattered leaves… The boarded up closers… I can’t believe one of the injured closers wasn’t Huston Street… The hustlers and base thieves… My pants are down below my knees… Where’s my Belt? My team’s in ruins! My team’s in ruins! Come on rise up! I need a Belt. Come on rise up! I need my Belt!” At this point, I don’t care if Belt plays every day, he should be owned IN CASE (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) he plays every day. He’s capable of great things. Trust me, if you drop, say, Jason Kubel, you won’t regret it, but if you don’t pick up Belt you may. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Alfredo Aceves – How about we get SAGNOF out of the way right off the bat this week?Please, blog, may I have some more?
No surprise that Johan Santana pitched well yesterday. Everyone pitched well yesterday (except relievers). Now I know what it was like to play fantasy baseball during the dead ball era. “Hey, Scoots, I got me a base hit from my second bagger! I’m so excited, but maybe that excitement is from this Coca-Cola that’s made from cocaine! I love me some fizzle! I’m gonna boil this Coca-Cola, then smoke the leftover brown soot. You want in, Scoots? Huh?!” Can’t everyone do the juice and then use FedEx? I miss the shrunken ball era! Did anyone even hit a ball out of the infield yesterday? Someone lower the mound six inches and use aluminum bats. Please! I need Justin Masterson looking like Bob Gibson like I need another hole in my head (I already have four; one of my ears closed up after listening to the Cleveland Indian announcers). Can’t say I wasn’t unpleasantly surprised to see Johan pitching. It would’ve been straight pleasantly, but I don’t own him anywhere. He’s not the pitcher he once was. He’s not going back to that, but he looked like he could be a fairly competent number three fantasy starter if — and this “if” is the size of Gilbert Grape’s mom — he can stay healthy. Though, after yesterday, every healthy pitcher may be a competent number three. Now go smoke some Coca-Cola soot! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Frank Francisco – A perfect inning save. It’s safe to drop Rauch and/or Parnell. If you want, pretend you’re going catch Rauch in a trust exercise, then let him drop. It’s more fun that way.Please, blog, may I have some more?