Jurickson Profar called up to replace The Ian Kinsler DL Experiment. I’ll wait here while you go add Profar in your league. Okay, back? Good! If you’re not back yet, then you’re not reading this, so let me clear the air, I slept with your sister. Baseballstar Profarlactica is the safest bet from catching the prospect hype virus in the known universe. First (after all those other firsts), let’s see what Scott, our prospect writer, wrote, “Profar brings legit 20-20 potential, along with .300+ AVG, and an OBP north of .350. From shortstop, that sort of production would be enormous. Here’s Grey’s Jurickson Profar fantasy. Also check out my Top 25 Prospects for 2013, where Profar came in at #15. I also slept with your sister.” Damn, hope those other people still aren’t back. I’d grab Profar in every league. Yes, even yours. My guess is he will hit. My 2nd guess is C. Always guess C. That advice can get you into an Ivy League school. I didn’t go to one, ergo, henceforth, vis-à-vis, I had to Google whether or not Ivy League was capitalized. If he hits, Profar could be here to stay with the Rangers saying, “Yo, Profar is hitting so let’s keep him and move Kinsler to the outfield. Or just put a “Hockey sucks” t-shirt on Andrus and drop him off in Winnipeg.” If Profar doesn’t hit, he’ll be sent back down and no one will need to go to Winnipeg. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
So nice to see Yu. Saludos, my Darvish. Come on, let’s mingle. You know, my dear, my father used to say to me, Grey, don’t be a schnook. It’s not how Yu feel. It’s how Yu look. And you, Darvish, you look absolutely marvishlous. Cole Hamels — bleh. R.A. Dickey — eh. Yu Darvish — absolutely marvishlous! When a beautiful girl passes or when you see something you know you may never see again, what do you say? I say, oohbeekadoobie like I’m Billy Crystal impersonating Sammy Davis Jr. Nothing else can express the start Darvish had last night. Oohbeekadoobie, baby, oohbeekadoobie. That’s all I have. Sure, it’s a nonsensical word that’s origin of meaning is bupkis, but when one comes face-to-face with wonder, one is left with nothing but oohbeekadoobie. Just like Darvish pulled up just short of a perfect game, I’ll pull up short of saying he’s a number one/top ten starter off of one start in April vs. the Astros. The Astros, mind you, who are put together as a team the same way you used to put together pick up games. If you have a glove and bat, you can play for them. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Brandon Beachy left Saturday’s start with a sore elbow. Usually when pitchers have a sore elbow it means one of two things. One, they’re going on the DL for a long period of time. Or two, they’re going to say they’re going on the DL for only 15 days but it will be a long time. Yeah, those are kinda the same things, but it adds a little flare when I break them up into two things. My English Comp professor would’ve said, “Grey, you add filler on top of your filler then you put commas where they’re not supposed to be then, add more filler. Have you considered a math major?” I told you to sell him about two weeks ago, but I understand how hard it is to sell an overperformer, so many of you were probably stuck with Beachy, or stranded, as the case may be. I’d DL him and hope for better news heretothen. Bee tee dubya, I just made up heretothen. Pretty good, right? Feel free to use it for the rest of twelve after twenty. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Kris Medlen – The Braves stretched out Medlen, then yo-yo’d all over the place with what he should and would be doing. Fredi Gonzalez said, “I have enough problems to worry about since I can’t pitch Venters 400 innings this year.” Now with Beachy’s injury, Medlen remains in the bullpen. Yup. Instead, the Braves are filling Beachy’s rotation spot with Jair Jurrjens. Obviously, the Braves management threw a dart at a board to fill the rotation spot and said dart landed in a nearby toilet.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I don’t necessarily love Adam LaRoche. Or LaLove him, for that matter. Sure, I’d like him more if he slept with a groupie then screamed, “And that’s how you screw LaPooch!” But I have no way of knowing that, and thinking of LaRoche having groupies is like thinking people actually buy John Tesh CDs. Though I do enjoy La Bouche — want to be my lover, be my lover! LaRoche reminds me of the guy you have on your team that you’re looking to drop all season long for anyone that’s hot, but still gives you 25 homers and passable counting stats. Strike that, he doesn’t remind me of that guy. He is that guy. Are you gonna wake up one morning and say to yourself, “I may have been fired, can’t make my mortgage payment this month and have yellow pits on my favorite t-shirt, but I own LaRoche… Today’s gonna be a good day!” Nah, son, shizz ain’t gonna be that sunny, but he’s hitting and healthy and should be owned. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Hector Santiago – On the podcast the other day, I distinctly remember saying (in my high-pitched Jersey accent that actually makes dogs howl) that Addison Reed would end up with more saves than Santiago this year. Well, la dee whatever, right now you should own Santiago.Please, blog, may I have some more?
That sound you hear is my heart going a pitter patter for Brandon Belt. That sound you might also hear is Bruce Springsteen on my iTunes. He’s singing the September 11th Telethon version of My City Of Ruins. It gives me chills eleven years later. Now to completely sully that beautiful image, I keep hearing, “Now the sweet veils of fantasy… Drift through the evening news… Young men at my corner…Like scattered leaves… The boarded up closers… I can’t believe one of the injured closers wasn’t Huston Street… The hustlers and base thieves… My pants are down below my knees… Where’s my Belt? My team’s in ruins! My team’s in ruins! Come on rise up! I need a Belt. Come on rise up! I need my Belt!” At this point, I don’t care if Belt plays every day, he should be owned IN CASE (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) he plays every day. He’s capable of great things. Trust me, if you drop, say, Jason Kubel, you won’t regret it, but if you don’t pick up Belt you may. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Alfredo Aceves – How about we get SAGNOF out of the way right off the bat this week?Please, blog, may I have some more?
No surprise that Johan Santana pitched well yesterday. Everyone pitched well yesterday (except relievers). Now I know what it was like to play fantasy baseball during the dead ball era. “Hey, Scoots, I got me a base hit from my second bagger! I’m so excited, but maybe that excitement is from this Coca-Cola that’s made from cocaine! I love me some fizzle! I’m gonna boil this Coca-Cola, then smoke the leftover brown soot. You want in, Scoots? Huh?!” Can’t everyone do the juice and then use FedEx? I miss the shrunken ball era! Did anyone even hit a ball out of the infield yesterday? Someone lower the mound six inches and use aluminum bats. Please! I need Justin Masterson looking like Bob Gibson like I need another hole in my head (I already have four; one of my ears closed up after listening to the Cleveland Indian announcers). Can’t say I wasn’t unpleasantly surprised to see Johan pitching. It would’ve been straight pleasantly, but I don’t own him anywhere. He’s not the pitcher he once was. He’s not going back to that, but he looked like he could be a fairly competent number three fantasy starter if — and this “if” is the size of Gilbert Grape’s mom — he can stay healthy. Though, after yesterday, every healthy pitcher may be a competent number three. Now go smoke some Coca-Cola soot! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Frank Francisco – A perfect inning save. It’s safe to drop Rauch and/or Parnell. If you want, pretend you’re going catch Rauch in a trust exercise, then let him drop. It’s more fun that way.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Later, Hawai’ian. Hello, Eric Hosmer. Or as Hosmer might say, “W’oh!” In Triple-A this year, Hosmer had 3 homers and 3 steals in 98 ABs. Year before, 20 homers, 14 steals between Double-A and High-A. Bye, A! The average has been great too. He looks like Votto to me. To take that comparison past the point where it’s still making sense, Votto had 24 homers, 7 steals and a .297 average his first full year. He was 24 though, Hosmer is 21 — I’ll pinch your cheeks you’re so young, you! If Hosmer hits 24 homers with a .297 average this year, I’ll shave my ‘stache, glue it to the middle of my forehead and tattoo lips below it. He’s just a bit too raw. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t own him everywhere. You take the rookie flyer because if it pans out the trade value inflates like Butler’s moobs after he drinks a quart of milk. Conservatively, I’ll give Hosmer 17 homers, 6 steals and .280. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brandon Lyon – Lyon was the lead until Hosmer got the call. Rudy came up with titles and everything, so you get a bonus lead-in today. Discarded titles were, “Lyon Sent To Vet,” “Lyon Caged, Astro Fans Rejoice,” and, “Astros Stop Lyon To Themselves.” Lyon has a torn rotator cuff. They should get the doctor that made Lee Majors bionic cause Lyon needs all the help he can get. Mark Melancon is the man to own in Houston, though the word out of the 5th ward is Ed Wade’s Toupee is trying to lose every game the rest of the season, or at least his GM’ing makes it seem that way. Seriously, he can’t even pick out a decent toupee and he’s going to GM a major league team? He looks like a Computer Science teacher who’s still teaching BASIC. Melancon isn’t the meow’s cat or anything. His fastball is kinda whatever, but he gets some Ks, groundballs and Lyon is out. I’d own Melancon everywhere, he could run with the job all year.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Scott Rolen says he’s going to try to avoid the DL because of his hamstring. Dusty said, “Too bad he can’t pitch because they don’t use their legs. Except in soccer.” It doesn’t sound too promising for Rolen. Injuries are old hat for Rolen. He makes everyone else besides Glass Chipper seem healthy. On top of the injury, Rolen was hitting .182 in July with zero homers. If I owned him, I’d hope he went to the DL, so I can store him on my DL while grabbing another player. Either way, I’d start making other plans because a Rolen that’s playing injured isn’t an exciting hitter to have on your team. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Drew Stubbs – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th steal to go along with his 13 homers. He’s batting .500 over the last week and has been valuable the whole year, even with the ridiculous amount of strikeouts. Would’ve been a good player to fingercuff.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’m just going to jump right in with this moron, or morron, as he’d spell it. First, a Karabell title, “Euphoric about Eugenio; closers, Bush, mail.” Eugenio who? Velez, the guy who should have one hand tied to the barrel of a bat so all he can do is bunt.Please, blog, may I have some more?