Fantasy Baseball Advice

We already went over the top 20 catchers and the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.  Today, it’s all about the top 20 2nd basemen.  The 2nd basemen pool was shallow, and, for the first time in as long as I can remember, the 2nd basemen, shortstops and 3rd basemen were more or less of equal depth.  For instance, Darwin Barney was ranked 20th for 2nd basemen and 19th for shortstops, and Daniel Murphy was ranked 15th for 2nd basemen and 16th for 3rd basemen.  To recap, this final ranking for last year is from ESPN Player Rater with my comments.  The Player Rater allows me to be impartial while looking at how I ranked them in the preseason.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 2nd basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Dustin Pedroia – It didn’t hurt Pedroia that the Sawx were in the hunt for a playoff spot until the very end of September.  Lot better than guys who are coasting through the last two weeks.  Pedroia actually didn’t exceed expectations by as much as his stats would seem.  What he did was get more PAs than were on the last Michael Bay film.  When a player exceeds 700 plate appearances, he’s bound to put up some good stats, unless his name is Nick Markakis.  Preseason Rank #4, 2011 Projections:  105/15/65/.290/15, Final Numbers:  102/21/91/.307/26

2. Robinson Cano – The curious case of Robinson Cano.  In the preseason, I said he was overrated, yet I gave him projections pretty close to where he ended up.  So was I right and he was overrated?  I’m gonna say no.  He wasn’t quite the 1st round pick that some people were making him, but considering how terrible most high picks did and how shallow 2nd base is, Cano provided stability and stats.  Preseason Rank #1, 2011 Projections:  100/27/100/.310/3, Final Numbers:  104/28/118/.302/8

3. Ian Kinsler – In the preseason, I ranked Kinsler above where most ‘perts had him.  I wanted to believe he could stay healthy one of these years.  Bingo bango!  Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections:  85/22/60/.270/17, Final Numbers:  121/32/77/.255/30

4. Michael Young – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 post.

5. Brandon Phillips – He seems like he’s always planking on a 18/14 season give or take a few homers and steals.  His average was high for him this year.  That was partly due to his line drive rate being up, partly due to his luck.  Maybe The Ghost of a Racist Marge Schott was trying to make amends by helping some of his seeing-eye hits get through.  Preseason Rank #3, 2011 Projections:  85/20/70/.270/17, Final Numbers:  94/18/82/.300/14

6. Ben Zobrist – He had three big months (April, July and September) and three terrible months.  Like off the charts bad (June:  zero homers and 2 steals; August:  1 homer, .250; May:  2 homers, 0 steals, .232 and only 5 RBIs in 99 ABs; that’s e to the gregious).  I never feel confident enough to draft Zobrist because he still seems like an overachieving utility man to me, but as Zobrist would say, “Don’t call me a utility man and don’t call Creed Christian rock.”  Preseason Rank #8, 2011 Projections:  70/15/70/.260/15, Final Numbers:  99/20/91/.269/19

7. Howie Kendrick – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 post.

8. Michael Cuddyer – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 post.

9. Ryan Roberts – First time in a long time that I can remember the first out of nowhere name being this low on a year end list of 2nd basemen.  Usually someone will sneak into the top 5 for a shallow position.  Last year, Kelly Johnson and Casey McGehee exceeded expectations.  The year before Zobrist and Aaron Hill emerged.  I’m not sure what this means, but I think it means something.  Razzball:  Where We Raise Questions We Can’t Answer!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  86/19/65/.249/18

10. Dan Uggla – When I explained in the preseason why I had Uggla a bit lower than some other ‘perts, here’s what I said, “The reason why he’s ranked below some of the guys above but his projections look as good if not better is because A) Kinsler has the biggest upside.  B) Phillips and Pedroia are safer.  C) Uggla has the biggest downside in one category, i.e. he could hit .240.”  And that’s me quoting me!  In the end, he didn’t quite get to .240.  Yup.  Preseason Rank #5, 2011 Projections:  90/32/100/.265/5, Final Numbers:  88/36/82/.233/1

11. Neil Walker – Couple of things come to mind when I see how close my preseason projections were to the final numbers for Neil Walker.  A) I ranked him lower than he ended up, which means 2nd base was even shallower than I thought it would be.  B) His numbers were terrible and he still ranked this high, which is more just a continuation of the first point.  C) There’s no C.  Preseason Rank #15, 2011 Projections:  65/15/75/.260/7, Final Numbers:  76/12/83/.273/9

12. Rickie Weeks – In the preseason, I called Rickie Weeks overrated because of his injury risk.  As I said then and will say again, it was the easiest call of the preseason.  Preseason Rank #6, 2011 Projections:  85/18/65/.250/14, Final Numbers:  77/20/49/.269/9

13. Danny Espinosa – I pushed Espinosa pretty hard in the preseason because, as always, I ignore average and get all pumped up on power and speed.  He succeeded and failed where I thought he would.  Preseason Rank #21, 2011 Projections:  60/15/70/.245/17, Final Numbers:  72/21/66/.236/17

14. Jemile Weeks – Will probably be overdrafted next year.  I say this because he hasn’t shown any power, he plays in a terrible park with a terrible team and his walk rate (in the majors, at least) was pretty bleh.  With all that said (here comes opposite talk!), he had a great season for a midseason call-up.  He gave you what you were hoping to get from Chone Figgins (Member him?  No, I don’t either.).  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  50/2/36/.303/22

15. Daniel Murphy – How kiddie pool shallow were the 2nd basemen?  Murphy ranked this high and he played his last game on August 7th.  Three ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 2nd basemen!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  49/6/49/.320/5

16. Kelly Johnson – He seems to alternate years with a hard-to-digest average.  (In 2009, it was .224.)  This coincides with a poor BABIP.  This year’s BABIP wasn’t as bad as 2009, but his K-rate was terrible, which helped attribute to the poor average.  He should be able to bounce back next year, but that’s far from a lock.  Preseason Rank #13, 2011 Projections:  80/17/.260/60/12, Final Numbers:  75/21/58/.222/16

17. Aaron Hill – Fitting that Hill and Johnson would be tied together in the year-end rankings, since they were swapped mid-year and had very similar seasons in the general sense.  In the specific, their seasons were totally different.  Hill looked to be an average issue hitter that could at least give you power.  Not this year.  His power completely evaporated.  Oddly enough, he doubled his line drive rate from 2010 and lowered his K-rate.  In short (which I only say after going long), Hill’s season made no sense.  Seriously, I can’t make heads or tails of it.  Yes, even in hindsight it’s not 20/20.  It will take some brass ones to go all in on Hill again next year, but I’m leaning that way right now.  Preseason Rank #7, 2011 Projections:  80/25/85/.275/5, Final Numbers:  61/8/61/.246/21

18. Martin Prado – During the preseason, I ranked him extremely low at 17th overall for 2nd basemen.  This was such blasphemy, Matthew Berry called me out during one of his chats to say I was stoopid (sic).  Turned out I didn’t rank him low enough, with rank being the key word.  Preseason Rank #17, 2011 Projections:  85/12/60/.300/5, Final Numbers:  66/13/57/.260/4

19. Chase Utley – Sadly, the Utley we fell in love with in 2005 is no longer with us.  This new version is brittle like his pomade after it dries.  On a side note, with the loss of Howard for most if not all of 2012 and Utley’s deteriorating health, the Phils got weak fast.  Preseason Rank #4, 2011 Projections:  50/14/55/.280/5, Final Numbers:  54/11/44/.259/14

20. Darwin Barney – I didn’t rank him in the preseason and he shouldn’t even be ranked now.  The Purple Evolutionist’s final numbers show a guy that was helpful for a couple weeks here and there, but if you owned him all year, you lost your league.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  66/2/43/.276/9

While balancing a book on their head, the Blue Jays were poised to call up Brett Lawrie just when he fractured his hand.  That’s worst timing than the guy down at your local Chuckles nightclub doing an open mic set.  But flip our Supreme Buddha In Funny Poses day calender two months later and the hand is healed.  In two weeks at Triple-A since his return, he’s hitting near .350 with a homer.  Or as Lawrie would say on Twitter #yabuddy.  “You want to convey your emotional state while giving the most information possible, all in under 140 characters.”  That’s Lawrie explaining Twitter to his Grammie.  Lawrie should be up in the next two weeks.  So you have to decide if a .300 hitter with good power and speed at 2nd base is worth sitting on your bench until his call up.  #yabuddy  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Hideki Matsui – Hello, time travelers from 2004.  You are not in 2004 anymore.  You are in 2011.  Hideki Matsui is just hitting again.  Though that is not Madonna on your radio, that is Lady Gaga.

Alejandro De Aza – Speaking of Lady Gaga, it’s Alejandro who’s not hot like Mexico.  He’s hot like a bagel that was toasted 15 minutes ago.  He could steal some bases like a motivated Alex Rios once did, that’s about it.

Collin Cowgill – I just went over my Cowgill fantasy.  I wrote it while picking through my garbage for my accidentally discarded contact lens.

Lucas Duda – It’s nice to have all the buys in one place, right?  I mean you guys (and three girls) do realize I go over just about all of these players all week long.  Just the other day, I was blabbering about how it’s Duda’s day and we’re off to the camptown races.  Duda, Duda, day!  Duda, Duda, day!  Duda, Duda, day!  Duda– Sorry, record was skipping.

Jason Bourgeois – Could be the best steals guy since Alex Sanchez stole 52 bases with nothing but a pair of used Keds and steroids.  He’s a must own as long as he’s starting – though Jason resents the implication that ‘owning’ him means he’s part of the proletariat.  You’ve been Marxed!

Jon Jay – From Bourgeois to a revolutionary diplomat, bring down the wall…between you and the light-hitting outfielders and Putin Jay!

Josh Reddick – Right now, he’s hitting like he’s getting tips directly from Ted Williams’ frozen head.  “I’m so cold, I think I see dead people.”  That’s a worker at a cryogenic lab getting a laugh from his co-workers.  Are we having a laugh?

Dexter Fowler – Hitting near .400 in the last week.  Why won’t you pick up Fowler?  Chicken?

Eduardo Nunez – Five steals in the last week.  It’s as simple as 1, 2, SAGNOF!

Jason Kipnis – Has started 3 times since he’s been called up and done a whole lot of nothing.  Call it a career!  He’s done!  Or maybe you give him a few more days.  You’re so reactionary, but that’s also why we get along so well.  Or is it?

Yonder Alonso – I just went over my Yonder Alonso fantasy.  I write it while being screamed at by Wally Backman.

Derrek Lee – Hello again, 2004 time traveler!  Don’t adjust your calender.  Derrek Lee is simply hitting again.  Oh, and we no longer refer to Lindsay Lohan as a star or Brittany Murphy as alive.

Edwin Jackson – Back in the league where he’s had little to no success, he’s bound to either prove us wrong or right.  Really, is there any other way?

Jeff Niemann – I told you to grab him last week.  You didn’t tune me out, did you?  I hate when you do that.  Maybe we should see other people.  I hear fantasy baseball (fill-in word for expert) dot com just broke up with their significant other.

James McDonald – Him and Maholm should think about why they’re so available in fantasy leagues.  It just seems, I don’t know, desperate.

Mike Adams – Grab him for potential saves and, if you also own Jon Jay, you can change your team name to The Waiver Wire Fore-Fodders.

Octavio Dotel – Salas has been fine in the closer job, but two hiccups and one mention of how much he liked Rasmus and Dotel could see looks.

Matt Lindstrom – Another totally speculative pick up in case of a trade.  Do I really think Huston Street gets traded?  No, probably not, but you just need to hold Lindstrom until Monday, then drop him if there’s no movement.  Hehe, I said movement.  Also, I could’ve put Bobby Parnell here.  Hey, look, I just did!

Edward Mujica – Looking more and more (and more?) like Nunez isn’t going to be traded, but, just in case, why not grab Mujica?  And instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.

SELL

Ian Stewart – Consider Chris Davis here too.  These guys owe me at least five hours of my life back for the amount of times I’ve picked up and dropped them.  To think I once christened Stewart with the Mini-Mini Donkey nickname.  You, sir, are no donkey.  Mini-Mini or otherwise.

Ryan Roberts – This drop is more for mixed leagues.  You and Roberts had a good run.  You originally thought you were drafting Brian Roberts and it turned out much better than you could’ve ever expected.  Now it’s time to move on.

Alfonso Soriano – Member back in April when I kept telling you how good he was?  Because he’s good in April.  We’re pretty far removed from then.  Right now at the plate, Gordon Shumway Soriano looks like he’s on the wrong planet.

Ian Desmond – Alas, he never got on track this year.  Has 3 homers and a .220-something average.  Steals or no steals, that’s p to the athetic.  To be clear, when I wear my flowery doily dress that I nicknamed my Desmond tutu, it’s for Jennings.

Curtis Granderson hasn’t had a lead all season and you know what?  He deserves one, consarn it!  Yesterday, he went 2-for-4 with 2 steals.  If I was producing a 30 for 30 about my fantasy season, I’d just follow Granderson around with a camera.  “Sorry, Grey, no homers today, but how about two steals?”  “Oh, okay, Grandy,” as I look down in the mouth.  “Hey, tomorrow I’ll hit 2 homers!”  “Thanks, Grandy, you’re dandy!”  This year he has 25 homers, 17 steals, 83 runs, 68 RBIs, a .274 average and a killer smile.  Back in March, you would’ve took that from him for his overall season line and you would’ve liked it.  I do think this season is gonna be the peak for him, but hell with next year!  Let’s wrap his 2011 around us like a Snuggie (or the lesser known Slanket) and enjoy the ride.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

A.J. Burnett – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 14 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I didn’t see the game, but 14 baserunners in five and a third doesn’t even seem possible.  Were they playing Wiffle ball rules with ghost runners needing to be forced?

Josh Collmenter – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Has a 2.65 ERA on the year and pulls girls from every ethnic background.   I.e., he’s a rock star.  Now has 14 scoreless innings in the last two games vs. the Brewers.  Shlemiel, schcan’ttouchmyshizz, I’m Josh Collmenter.  I’d be worried about putting too much faith in J.C. — no offense — but you should own him at this point.

Ryan Roberts – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer in two games.  Totally one of those guys that people are gonna ask about next March as a sleeper pick and it’s gonna turn into a wasted pick.  But, for now, you could do worse.

Ryan Vogelsong – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, season ERA is at 2.02 and I can’t get a G-D clean game from Gallardo.  Throw me a frickin’ bone.

Stephen Strasburg – Threw 95 MPH in a simulated game.  Hey, this weekend I threw a simulated 150 in Wii bowling.

Koji Uehara – Will see saves for the next three days while Kevin Gregg serves a suspension.  If this were elementary school, Gregg and Ortiz would serve their suspensions in the same room while cleaning the erasers.

Adam Jones – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer in the last 4 games.  He seems pretty underappreciated considering he’s pulling a Hunter Pence impersonation that could fool Henrietta Pence, that’s his mom.

Mark Reynolds – 0-for-4 as the Orioles scored 10 runs.  Ticker tease!

Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer.  Here he comes (God, I hope so)!  I just know it (no, I don’t)!

Mike Morse – 3-for-4 with his 16th homer.  About time he started dashing and dotting again.

Huston Street – Might get traded.  For who, Avenue of the Americas?  Lindstrom would be the handcuff.

Jordan Lyles – 8 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks and 113 pitches.  Not much to report here, but Ed Wade’s Toupee may want to chillax on throwing the youngster so deep into games.  I mean, isn’t Dr. James Andrews making enough money?

Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Solid, if yawnstipating 5th fantasy starter.  That is all.

Billy Butler – 2-for-4 with two WTFs (Warning Track Flies).  If you have a WTF category in your league, Butler is the WTF master.  If he moved forward in the batter’s box ten feet, he’d hit 30 homers.

Joe Mauer – 6-for-8 in the doubleheader.  He hit .373 in last year’s 2nd half and has raised his average nearly 50 points in the last 10 games.

Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-3 with his 5th home run, and he left the bowl streak-free.

Chris Perez – 1 IP, 1 ER.  The Indians rest him when there is a save opportunity in the afternoon game then bring him in for the pointless Kazaam!  Grr.

Josh Reddick – As a starter since June 18th, batting .340 with 4 homers.  But that’s only 13 starts in a month.  Guy at the Cask’n Flagon with a Jeter jersey is getting more play.

Clay Buchholz – On Monday, he threw from 120 feet.  Not sure why he’s pitching from 2nd base, but there ya go.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Was 0-for-his last week before this game, but for those who like to play Russian roulette with their catcher, Saltymochachino hit a bomb yesterday.

Roy Halladay – 4 IP, 3 ER.  Left the game with heat exhaustion.  Hey, Ruiz, stop calling for the heater!

Carlos Pena – 3-for-3 with his 20th homer, after just getting done with a 1-for-15 stretch.  His hitting streaks are like riding a bicycle in San Francisco.  Holy crap, we’re really flying as we go downhill!  And now we’re going uphill and nowhere…  Watch out, now we’re downhill again!

Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-3 with his 17th homer.  Who said he’d slow up?  Oh, I did.  Well, I still think he will.  Unless he backed into a leftover Sosa needle.

Jason Heyward - Sat out yesterday after being hit on the foot Sunday.  As frequent commenter, zombie, said yesterday, “Should have know something was up when Glass Chipper demands that you grab a bat.  Definitely no relation to Ironhead Heyward.  Dude played with a brain tumor.  Foot contusion.  Seriously?!”

Clay Hensley – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Did you ever want to call him Hay Clensley?  Me too!  Last time he was a regular starter, he was a solid deep league option, but marginal in most mixed leagues.  And that was in Petco.  For a few starts, he’ll also be on a pitch count.

Leo Nunez – Got the save yesterday, but, whatever, this isn’t about that.  Everyone is saying Dunn would be the closer if Nunez is dealt, the only problem I have with that is Mujica is having a better year and consistently coming in games after Dunn.  Plus, Dunn’s a lefty.  Well, that’s the short of it, Peter Dinklage.

Alex Cobb – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Yankees.  Like the quarter of Harrison Ford that is Jewish, that’s not too shabby.  He gets the peasant Royals next time out.  That’s a decent gamble, no relation to Rudy or Oscar.

Casey Kotchman – 2-for-3 and now batting .337 with 4 homers on the year.  James Loney called, he wants his stats back.

Ezequiel Carrera – He said nine innings is for Quakers, and played 18 innings yesterday and stole 2 bases.  After all the success with Asdrubal, the Indians might just be promoting anyone with a funky first name.  Get ready, Azerbajan Ramirez!  Carrera had 35 steals in 81 games in Triple-A this year and now he’s the starting center fielder for the Cleveland Indians.  You know who has two thumbs and picked up this Amish SAGNOF’er?  This guy!

Grady Sizemore – To the DL with knee problems.  He said there’s a lot of concern about his knee.  You don’t say, Grady.  It’s only been bothering you for two years.  The FDA looked at his knees and said Grade-E.  Uh-uh, Grade F.  Suitable only for ‘meat’ filling at Taco Bell and 7-11 chili dogs.  Hmm, what is that taste?  Oh, that’s right.  The unfulfilled promise of multiple 30/30 seasons.

With 4 homers for Kelly Johnson, there’s still the Kelly Ka-POW, see?  With the 6 steals, he’s still running.  If you extrapolate those numbers out, it’s a 20/20 season.  If extrapolate is the right word.  From radio, to the video, to Arsenio… Tell me!  Yo, what’s the best case scenario for Johnson?  Last yeario, Phife Dawg.  That’s not happening this year though.  This is what currently is happening.  His balls batted into play are showing he’s been unlucky, so he’s pressing and his Ks have gone up and walks have gone down.  If a couple balls fall in front of fielders and Johnson gets on base, his confidence will rise and he’ll start being more selective at the plate.  His average will then rise and he’ll continue to hit for power and steal bases.  His average isn’t likely going to get up to .280, but a 18/15 year with a .250 average is still very possible.  That’s better than the current perception of him.  If he’s been dropped, I’d look to grab him. If he’s on an impatient owner’s team, I’d offer up a deal.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Julio Borbon – Was moved to the top of the order in Texas.  You know why?  Cause Ron Washington is mixing things up!  “How much powdered sugar are you putting on your donuts?”  “That’s not powdered sugar…I’m mixing things up!”  That’s Ron in other aspects of his life.

Domonic Brown – He was in last week’s Buy column, he’ll be in next week’s and every week until he’s called up.  That is my promise to you, now buy American!

Roger Bernadina – He’s been doing a whole lot of bupkis since he got called up, but for his upside I’m giving him another week.  Now get hot you schmohawk!

Mark Trumbo – Maybe the Los Angeles Angels of Not Los Angeles County shouldn’t have took Trumbo’s doctor recommendation for Kendrys.  Never the hoo!  Pitch a tent in the middle of your fantasy lineup for Trumboner.

Anthony Rizzo – I’m Anthony Rizzo, jerky!  He has 10 homers in 31 games in Triple-A, so I don’t think Petco is going to kill his power completely.  For now, I’d just grab him in NL-Only leagues.

Danny Valencia – More of a very deep, short-term add because he doesn’t have enough power to really get the blood flowing.

Mark Melancon – He sounds like a comedian/ventriloquist who plays in an Indian casino.  Speaking of which, my friend recently went out with a puppeteer.  I told him to ask her if he can try and move her mouth by putting his hand up her–  Wait, this is a family show.  Um, Melancon, yeah, he should be getting saves for the time being.

Vicente Padilla – No, I can’t believe I keep recommending Padilla for pick up.  Yes, it is weird.  Yes, I am reading your mind’s eye for questions you have.  No, you shouldn’t have Chipotle for lunch.  You had that yesterday.

Eduardo Sanchez – SAGNOF!

Jake Arrieta – In his 2nd start of the year vs. the Rangers, he gave up 8 runs in 3 1/3 IP.  He bounced back from that mugging like Bernie Goetz.  In all other games, his ERA 2.14.  Zoinks!

Travis Wood – Should be owned.  Don’t believe me today?  Go back and read what Yesterday Grey had to say.  Yesterday Grey, “Do your own work, man.”

James McDonald – There’s certain players that make it seem like I’m higher on them than I am because they’re never owned but should be, forcing me to talk about them a lot.  That doesn’t mean they should be owned over say Kuroda.  This message was brought to you by the Committee to Hedge All Bets in Regards to Picking Up McDonald.

Chris Iannetta – Ever notice Italians seem to catch more than any other position?  Berra, Piazza, Torre, Girardi, Garagiola, Campanella (half), Lo Duca, Napoli, Iannetta, Sal Fasano…  My theory is because Italians like to be in charge and what better way to control the game than from the catching position.  Or maybe it’s because they all enjoy eating so they like it behind the plate.  As for Iannetta, he’s hitting so ride the green, white and red lightning.

Scott Sizemore – He’s not exactly lighting the world on fire…Shoot, he’s not even sparking a match over a stack of dry newspapers.  (For our 18 to 25-year-old demographic, newspapers were regularly scheduled publications containing news of current events, informative articles, diverse features and advertising.  Thanks, Wikipedia!)  Sizemore is still a solid upside MILF (Middle Infielder I’d Like to take a Flyer on).

SELL

Ryan Roberts – Hey, you guys had a good couple of weeks.  Friend him on Facebook so you guys can keep in touch and drop him.

Jason Bay – Other than Reyes and Wright, I’m not a huge fan of the Mets hitters (or pitchers for that matter).  I’ve been called names for expressing yawnstipation for Ike Davis.  Some of those names were accurate.  I am gooftarded from time to time.  Still, potatoes to chips, old Bay isn’t helping any fantasy teams reach its full flavor potential.

Jeff Francoeur – I wouldn’t drop Frenchy outright, but right now he’s sandwiched between A-Gon and Miguel Cabrera on ESPN’s Player Rater.  That’s as good as it baguettes for Frenchy.  You should see what you can get in a trade before his average drops out and he stops hitting Freedom Flies.

Gaby Sanchez – He (she?) is batting .336 and just came off a home run binge (binger!).  It’s nice, huh?  You should go to a Marlins game (if you can get seats — real hot ticket!), sit in the first row and blow kisses to Gaby.  He (she?) will like that.  He’s still around a 20 homer, .275 hitter.  I wouldn’t trade him for a You Can’t Do That On Television autographed cast photo, but I’d explore options.

Jonathan Broxton blew his first save because of an error and he’s out as closer.  Hmph.  The Dodgers’ GM Colletti said the Dodgers would turn to Padilla and Broxton with Kuo joining the mix when he returns at the end of the week.  Hmph.  Hmph.  Mattingly then said last I checked Colletti doesn’t have a goatee and Broxton is still his closer, no committee.  Hmph.  Hmph.  Hmph.  Whatcha gonna do with all those hmphs?  All those hmphs up in your trunk?  Then Mattingly called Colletti a dwarf brain and shaved his goatee to reveal a cold sore.  Got all that?  Glad one of us does.  I’d own Broxton and Kuo.  Wouldn’t mess with this Padilla or this Padilla.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

James Loney – 4-for-4 with a steal.  I almost wrote the other day how there’s no way Loney stays hitting .200, but then I grew bored and fell asleep… Snooze…

Phil Hughes – Underwent four hours of tests on his arm.  Towards the end his arm just started answering C for everything.

Roger Bernadina – Recalled by the Nats.  I picked him up in every league he was available.  Yup, even that one.  Bernadina has 15/20 upside if he can stick with the club.  Chances he sticks aren’t great but aren’t quite slim to anorexic either, so there’s that.

Wilson Ramos – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 home runs.  That’s a badonkadonk, for those from the Bronx.

Carlos Gonzalez – Held out Tuesday because he’s sucking on the ol’ suck wagon.  Well, I got this schmohawk right.  Now if only Jose Bautista would get mono from Casey Kotchman.

Jorge de la Rosa – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I don’t own dlR anywhere but I get a lot of questions about whether he’s ownable, so it makes me question him.  Doode has a 2.61 ERA.  What are people looking for?

Todd Helton – 2-for-5 with 2 homers.  Did the Rockies wear throwback unis yesterday?

Casey McGehee – Sprained his thumb on the last play of the game on Monday and was held out of the game on Tuesday, leaving him on the bench to twiddle his thumbs — sick, painful irony.  If that’s irony, I have no idea.

Ryan Braun – Hit his 9th home run yesterday.  Yeah, his power is gone, Naysaying Preseason ‘Perts.

Jose Contreras – Has a strained elbow and will miss about a month, assuming he doesn’t have any setbacks.  But 67-year-olds tend to have setbacks getting out of bed.

Matt Harrison – 3 IP, 7 ER.  Don’t worry, Harrison, nothing can ever sully your Trapper John M.D. performance.

Carlos Carrasco – His MRI came back “perfect.”  Not to be that guy, but wouldn’t it be perfect if he didn’t have to go for an MRI?

Jack Hannahan – 3-for-4 with 2 homers.  If only Barbera could’ve been alive to see this.

Justin Masterson – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Rudy and I spot started him in, but since he has a 2.18 ERA on the year, we might not be returning him to waivers.  Stay tuned!  Or not.  Your choice.

Shin-Soo Choo – For an appetizer, I’d like the slam.  For the entree, I Choo-Choo-choose the legs.

Grady Sizemore – 3-for-4 and his 3rd homer, but was caught stealing.  No legs for you!

Pedro Alvarez – 0-for-4.  That’ll show ‘em!

Garrett Jones – Hit his 4th home run yesterday.  Robot is probably going to get the worst counting stat 20+ homer, 10 steal season in the history of baseball.

Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has his ERA down to 3.00.  We should all be aboard with Morton by now, yah?  Yah.

Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 8 ER.  Did the Braves scare him by wearing Dusty Baker masks?

Brandon McCarthy – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER and 15 baserunners.  In San Diego, they call that a strong offensive homestand.

Coco Crisp – Left the game with quad tightness.  Doesn’t sound cerealious.

Ryan Roberts – 2-for-4 with his 5th home run, batting .333.  Pedro Alvarez has one homer and is batting .205.  Kill me.

Mitchell Boggs – 1/3 IP, 1 ER and his first blown save.  After the game, Ryan Franklin said, “See!”

Hanley Ramirez – Working on getting a hitch out of his swing by getting his foot down quicker.  I wonder where Hanley picked up a bad habit.  He seems like such a model of strong work ethic.

Jair Jurrjens – 9 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I don’t think it continues, but I have no problem riding Jar-Jar while he’s on a roll.

Billy Butler – 1-for-4 and a WTF (Warning Track Fly).  A Butler specialty.

Mike Leake – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Turnabout is fair play as the Brewers stole the victory.

Sergio Santos – It’s now back to back saves but this last 2 out save should go to Brent Lillibridge who made two outstanding plays in RF.  Lillibridge fields like he’s nailing Sergio Santos’ sister.  Juan Pierre fields like Thornton is nailing Juan’s sister.

Gavin Floyd – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. the Yankees.  If you had the balls (or lady stuff, for our three girl readers) to start him in The House They Built Next To The House That Ruth Built, you deserved this start.

Clay Buchholz – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 14 baserunners as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post.  Now has a 5.33 ERA.  Good news, he should be better.  The bad news, not that much better.  The neither good or bad just what it is news, if you listened to me you don’t own him.  The okay news that needs to be said because it is really big news news, there is no okay news that needs to be said because it is really big news news.

Adam Lind – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  This is the kind of performance that makes me so hesitant to tell anyone to drop Carlos Pena too.  These guys just need three good days, and they have their counting stats.  Sure, it’ll be great to get this game from Lind without the previous 23 games of crizzap, but so it goes, so it goes.

Zach Britton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Fantasy-wise, Britton should be owned.  Real world-wise, when do the castmates find out Zito used to do gay porn?

Phil Coke – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Hope everyone is now done experimenting with Coke.  Shizz is bad for your nasal passages.

Matt Cain – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Then David Lynch filmed Matt Cain’s post-game interview.

Carl Everett – Pulled a gun on his wife after she said she believed in dinosaurs and Darwin Barney was her favorite player.