Fantasy Baseball Advice

Some rejected titles were, “Cards Have Jon Jay, Rasmus Have Blue Jays,” “Cards Trade Rasmus For Queen Elizabeth-Visaged Cents On the Dollar,” and “Ervin Santana Threw A No-Hitter, Beltran Was Traded — Hey, Baseball, Spread Some Of Your Breaking Stories Around.”  So Colby Rasmus was sent to the Blue Jays, Edwin Jackson was sent to the Cardinals via Chicago and a whole lot of other shizz.  Let’s start with Colby.  Hey, Geiger, let’s go (to Canada)!  Rasmus will move into center field, sending Rajai to the bench.  I’m sure Colby will be empathic.  “One day we will write a song together titled, “Centerfield” using John Fogerty’s lyrics and music then we will sue him for copyright infringement.”  That’s Colby meeting Rajai for the first time.  Last week, I was down on Rasmus, in the non-sexual way.  Sick of watching him sit on the bench while Pujols farted in his general direction.  Now, much like a fugitive from justice, Rasmus has a fresh start in Canada.  His value definitely goes from a negative to a positive, Biggie.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Edwin Jackson – Another guy that gets a fantasy boost with a trade.  Any time you’re going from the AL to the NL, I like it.  Does he suddenly become the meow’s cat?  I’m not entirely sure.  His NL ERA last year was 5.16, his AL ERA was 3.24.  All of his good years have come in the AL.  Yeah, he’s a riddle inside of a Sphinx testicle.  In deeper leagues or just mixed leagues where you need to gamble, I’d grab Jackson and hope Dave Duncan can do the voodoo that he do.

Octavio Dotel – To the Cards.  I actually grabbed Dotel for potential saves in a few leagues because La Russa is as predictable as the weather….if you’re not told the location or the season.

Jon Jay – Should now see the majority of the starts in the outfield…Hmm, actually he was seeing the majority of the starts in the outfield.  I’m sure La Russa will find a way to work Corey Patterson into the equation, and that equation for him is Happiness = CF – Rasmus.  Kinda cute how much everyone wants to now own (anagrams!) The Federalist, whose line is 30/7/26/.312/5 through 260 ABs.  That looks pretty yawnstipating to me.  As a 5th outfielder, I guess you can do worse.  Speaking of which…

Rajai Davis – 1-for-3 with 2 steals as he makes a last ditch effort to prove his worth, but he now becomes a late inning replacement in Toronto.  Unless La Russa is traded to the Jays.

Mark Teahen – Was traded too.  So he’s still in baseball?  Good for him.

Marc Rzepcynzki – Traded to the Cardinals, disappointing many Scrabblophiles who were hoping he’d be traded to the White Sox to partner with A.J. Pierzynski and make Ozzie Guillen’s head explode.

Carlos Beltran – To the Giants.  Beltran’s a bigger name than Rasmus in real baseball, but for fantasy this move is lateral.  Pitchers park to pitchers park, weak lineup to weak lineup, both teams have employees with monstrous heads (Mr. Met and Bruce Bochy).  Mets or Giants is tomato/tomahto or in baseball parlance Jonny/Jhonny.

Brandon Belt – With the addition of Beltran, sounds like Belt’s being demoted.  You’d think the Giants’ pants would have loops big enough for two belts.

Lucas Duda – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer.  Will now be the guy to replace Beltran.  It’s Duda’s day, camptown races sing that song!  The positives: as just mentioned, he’s playing.  The negatives:  he hasn’t done anything so far this year — 2 homers, 1 steal in 123 ABs.  In Metco, he could have 20+ homer power over the course of a full season.  I wouldn’t pick him up in most mixed leagues until he gets hot, which could be never or Friday if he hits another homer.

Daniel Murphy – 11 for his last 17.  That’s about as hot as a schmotato gets.

Mike Pelfrey – 9 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Geez, the Mets played yesterday like Beltran was Milton Bradley (the baseball player, not the fun for all ages one) — a tumor that just needed to be excised.  I’d continue to ignore Pelfrey, unless he shows up at your door with some imported beer and The Wire DVDs.

Carlos Zambrano – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This trade deadline story made me giggle.  The Yankees went on record to say they have no interest in Zambrano.  “We’re not going to sit here and specify what players we have or don’t have interest in, except for Zambrano.  No, thank you!”  Maybe the Post can do the title, “Big Z-ero Interest.”

Rickie Weeks – To the 15-day DL with a badly twisted ankle or it might be… Duh-duh-duh… Ligament damage!  But I’m not a doctor though my handwriting is illegible.

James Shields – 4 IP, 10 ER.  Ouch.  Wait, what?  Oh, Jesus Guzman, that’s bad.

Hideki Matsui – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 9th homer.  He came to be called Godzilla because of monstrous homers and acne.  Well, he’s still got the acne and lately some homers.

Joe Mauer – Hit his first homer of the year.  Now only three off the Pinto pace car Morneau.  Or the same number of homers a 40-year-old Giambi managed in one game earlier this year.  How can Gardy ever get over losing Nick Punto when Mauer’s power stroke is always there to remind him?

Alex Rios – The White Sox are indefinitely benching Rios for indefinitely sucking this year.  His current 52 OPS+ is in the running for the WORST OF season ever.  If you’re in a mixed league and held onto Rios this long, just say Adios Rios already.   The White Sox still owe him $38 million over the next 3 years so they’re left saying “Ay Dios Rios!” while they wait for the 2006-2008 and 2010 Rios to reappear.  Between Rios and Wells, if the Blue Jays ever offer Bautista and his $65 million contract to you in a trade, DON’T TAKE IT!

Alejandro De Aza – 1-for-4 with a home run as he started in center.  In the minor leagues, he showed very little power and some speed.  He’s just a’ight.  I’m not your babe, I’m not your babe, Alejandro.

John Danks – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Hasn’t allowed more than two runs since May (granted, there was a DL stint in there).  Now would be as good a time as any to pick him up.

Ryan Raburn – 0-for-3 with a strikeout, now has a .259 OBP as he hit second.  You know he only hit second because Leyland always bats his left fielder (Boesch) 2nd and Raburn was filling in for him.  My theory’s holding true that, with the rise of cigarette prices, Leyland has been forced to use his extra lineup cards for tobacco rolling paper.  So he only has one lineup card and he just puts players in the same lineup spot as the player they are replacing.

Justin Upton – 2 homers.  He’s on one of those streaks that would impress A-Rod’s hair stylist.  You know, the one that frosts his tips.

Ian Stewart – 0-for-4, hitting .137.  Him and Chris Davis should go on a cruise together to the Bermuda Triangle.

Ichiro Suzuki – 4-for-5, 2 steals.  M’s must’ve worn their 2010 throwback jerseys.

Mike Carp – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs.  He really seized the day.

Dustin Ackley – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .301 in 123 ABs.  Let’s hope he doesn’t ask Smoak for his secret to a successful sophomore year.

Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  His ERA in May was 2.14, 3.13 in June and 3.09 in July.  That seems like enough time to pick him up, but his ownership is at 10% in ESPN.  You people have analysis paralysis or your waiver wire mouse finger is in a cast?

Garrett Jones – Hit his 10th homer, but Jerry Meals called it a triple.

Billy Butler – 3-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Gotta like the cut of that guy’s manssiere.

Eric Hosmer – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and a homer.  Is now batting near .500 in the last week with only one game in the last 9 days that he had less than 2 hits.  After hitting no homers and .253 in June, he’s on fire in July.  What an odyssey for Hosmer.

Laynce Nix – Hit a homer for the 2nd game in a row.  When he rounds home plate, he should make the Y sign from the YMCA dance.

Drew Storen – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Kazaam!

Ricky Romero – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  As frequent commenter, Steve said, “The Orioles got Rick Ro’d.”

Ervin Santana – With the no-hitter yesterday.  The Sciosciapath said, “What can I say?  Bobby Wilson just knows how to call a game.  See, I taught him everything I refused to teach Napoli.”  With no hits and 10 Ks, there wasn’t a whole lot for the fielders to do.  Maybe that’s a waste of Angels, I don’t know.

I think I made up the word excellers, but it should be a word, so add it into your Merriam-Webster, who was not a spinoff character from that Emmanuel Lewis show.  Never the hoo!  Here’s some 2nd half hitters for fantasy baseball who should be better than they were in the first half.  To come up with this list, I scoured the last three years of post-All-Star Break numbers, ran it through a supercomputer that’s bigger than your Peugeot, pasted the supercomputer-generated names to my shirt like dollar bills on a wedding dress then went to a palm reader to help me pick ten names out of the thousands.  The palm reader’s name was Erica Karabell; she said there was no relation.  Anyway, here’s the best 2nd half fantasy baseball hitters for 2011:

Derrek Lee – Last year, he played the 2nd half like he was walking onto a yacht with an apricot scarf.  In 2009, .336 with 18 homers.  Last year, .298 with 9 homers compared to a .233 average in the 1st half.  I still don’t really like Derrek Lee compared to a lot of names, but he’ll come a lot cheaper than most.

Matt Holliday – Hit 24 homers in 263 ABs in the 2007 2nd half, 16 homers in 2008 and 16 in 2009, while also having the 6th best average in the majors.  Last year, he hit .327 in the 2nd half compared to .300, though his homers went down by 4 (16 to 12).  Holliday’s on holiday in the 1st half and Holliday’s Holliday in the 2nd half.  Any questions?  Yeah, what are you talking about?  Not now, random italicized voice.

Joe Mauer – Not completely contingent on the fact that he can’t be worse.  Partly?  Sure.  But not completely.

Ryan Raburn – Mr. Al Caps, “NOOOOOOO!  PLEASE DON’T GET ME EXCITED ABOUT THIS GUY AGAIN!  I ALREADY HAVE A BAD TICKER!”  I know, friend.  “DO YOU?!”  Yes.  “OKAY.” In 2009, Raburn hit 10 homers and .310 in the 2nd half.  In 2010, he hit 13 homers and .315 compared to 2 homers and .208 in the 1st half.  If he hits well this 2nd half, at least we’ll know not to pay attention to it in March of 2012.

Raul Ibanez – Well, there’s an exciting name.  Maybe I can point out Omar Infante next.  Ibanez has already started to get hot moving into the 2nd half…Yeah, I’m still not excited.

Jay Bruce – Was better in average and homers in the 2nd half of 2010, better in average in 2009 but an injury cut it short and he was better in homers in 2008 but that could’ve been him just finding his footing.  So, in other words, he’s not definitely better in the 2nd half, but if he does it this year, he’ll have a huge year and be a 2nd round draft pick next year.

Drew Stubbs – Solid in the 2nd half of 2010.  With only last year to look at, Stubbs doesn’t have a huge sample size to go on, but that never stopped my ex-girlfriends either.

Alexei Ramirez – Was much better in 2008, not better in 2009 and slightly better in 2010, so that leads us to maybe he’ll be better in 2011.  How’s that for clearing everything up?

Billy Butler – From 2008 to 2010, he has 883 1st half ABs and 19 homers.  In 763 2nd half ABs, he has 28 homers.  So he goes from a homer every 47th at-bat to every 27th at-bat.  Or from a light-hitting middle infielder to light-hitting middle infielder with moobs.  (BTW, Was sad to see the All-Star festivities couldn’t work in a wet t-shirt contest with Billy Butler and Pablo Sandoval.  Like that wouldn’t be more entertaining than Nick Jonas playing softball.)

Mark Teixeira – What would a list of post-All-Star break hitters be without Mark Teixeira?  Nada, nada, nada damn thing…

J.J. Hardy has been hotter than a Latin woman frying chorizo in the Sahara desert.  Why she is in the Sahara is fodder for a J.J. Abrams movie.  In 2008, Hardy hit 24 homers and .283 in his fourth big league season.  Then poof.  Nothing.  He vanished.  Or did he?  It’s the real Hardy Boy mystery and, if he did it in a small bucolic town, it could be read as voiceover by Keith Morrison on Dateline.  He’s still only 28 years old and capable of 20+ homers over the course of the season.  Over the last ten games alone, 3 home runs and hitting .395.  Next week, the moon!  And Abrams might have a thing to say about why the moon too.  If Hardy’s on waivers, I’d absolutely grab him to see if he can continue to hit and stay healthy.  J.J.’s dyn-o-mite!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tommy Hanson – Scratched from his Friday start with a sore shoulder.  Hanson’s value goes Mmmmplop.  Hopefully, he just needs a few days, but a shoulder problem… Well, just keep telling yourself he’s gonna be all right.

Randall Delgado – Will take Hanson’s Friday start.  Where did I just read about him?  Oh, I know!  Here, two days ago.  Stephen just dropped his Randall Delgado fantasy on you.  He wrote it while sitting outside of Diane Lane’s house.  Creepy!

Brandon Beachy – Had a solid rehab start.  Will have one more next week and then rejoin the Braves rotation.  And not too soon after Minor’s start last night.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper left yesterday’s game with a groin strain.  Vegas pays out a nickel for every thousand dollars bet that Jones would get injured.

Jordan Schafer – 5-for-6, 3 runs and a mention in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  It’s Friday, ya’ll!

Jeremy Guthrie – Left the start yesterday when his back went all spastic.  That sounds like an adjective my elementary school teachers used to describe me.

Zach Stewart – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Was called up to take Kyle Drabek’s spot in the rotation.  Stewart’s numbers this year in the minor leagues leave something to be desired.  Something like a better K-rate.  He’s a passable flyer in an AL-Only league and not kosher in mixed leagues, i.e., pass-over-able.

Jon Rauch – 0 IP, 2 ER.  The Blue Jays will be holding auditions for closer at the West Covina Mall this Saturday from 10 to 2.

Adam Lind – 2-for-4 and his 14th home run.  I drink Lind’s milkshake!

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Returned from the DL and went 1-for-4 in the three hole.  I had a friend who’s found great enjoyment in the three hole.  Personally, I don’t– Wait, what?  Oh, Nishioka.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  I look forward to you skimming it on your mobile phone while you go to the bathroom.

Michael Cuddyer – 2-for-4 with his 10th home run.  On Wednesday, he stole three bases.  On Tuesday, he hit another home run.  Finally, he’s hitting .643 in the last week.  For those who have him at 2nd base, you did well and I’m a little jealous.  Are you happy now?

Ryan Raburn – 1-for-3 with his 6th home run.  Why’d he hit a home run?  Because I finally dropped him in one league.  Alcides Escobar, you better keep stealing bases.

Grady Sizemore – 0-for-4.  I try not to talk about the same players every day because then it gets boring for both of us.  I’ve now gone over a month since my last Sizemore mention.  On May 12th, I told you to sell him.  Since then, he has 1 home run, zero steals and is batting .203.  I don’t think selling is an option anymore.  Now you have to start thinking about cutting bait.

Jayson Werth – 2nd game in a row with a home run.  Wanna have your mind blown?  Okay:  34/10/26/.240/9; 25/10/27/.292/2.  The 1st one is marginally better because of the steals, but when you consider draft cost… Well, the first one is Werth; the second one is Laynce Nix.  Of course, Espinosa has been better than both of them at middle infield, but no one wants to own him.

Brian Gordon – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. Started in place of Colon, he’s a herbathrowdite that was recently in the Phillies minor league system.  He had Bugs Bunny-type numbers this year in Triple-A — 56:7 K:BB, 0.83 WHIP in 55 1/3 IP.  Those are the kind of numbers that give hope to Brian Anderson and Tony Pena Jr. with their position reassignment.  I wouldn’t touch Gordon in mixed leagues yet, but I would look at him in AL-Only leagues.  Maybe one day ESPN can do a movie on him starring Chaz Bono.

Chris Snyder – His wife was attacked in a traffic dispute.  In a related story, Scott Cousins’ wife ran over a pedestrian.

Clay Buchholz – Left his start yesterday with lower back stiffness, which is less awkward than lower front stiffness.

Jake Peavy – Looked great in his rehab start.  Better bring him up immediately before he gets injured again.

Zack Greinke – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 10 Ks.  His ERA is now up to 5.23.  BUY!  Seriously, don’t walk, run and buy him.  His K:BB is 70:9.  That’s a thing of beauty.  That’s in 53 1/3 IP.  Schnikes!  I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a 2.50 ERA the rest of the way.  Here’s Grey, here’s Grey going on a limb.  Snap or no snap?  No snap!

Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Superb Lee.

Matt Garza – 6 IP, 5 ER and the conshellation win.  Any time you wanna pitch as well as your peripherals, Garza, feel free!

Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Continues to be a must start at home and must take ulcer medicine because of his control issues.

Jose Lopez – 0-for-3.  Getting some starts at 3B for the Marlins as they long for the Jorge Cantu era.  They’ve even asked if he’ll change his name to Jose Cantulopez and answer to the nickname of “El Melon.”

Moneyball – I know, big fantasy news here!  Still, I’m giddy for this movie.  How could you not be?  It’s a movie that hinges on Scott Hatteberg.  A couple of thoughts on the trailer (which I’ve posted below).  Would’ve loved to been a fly on the wall for this pre-production conversation:  “We need an actor that can convincingly tell Brad Pitt he can’t pay retail prices for players?”  “Well, he’s gotta be nebbishy… Paul Giamatti?”  “Too old.  Too goy.”  “Hey, how about Jonah Hill?”  “Brilliant!”  Also, can’t wait for this scene in the movie:  “Who’s that sidearmin’ fella?”  “The name is Bradford.  Chad Bradford.”  Finally, this is the kind of movie that will have end titles about what happened after the movie ends.  Hope it reads something like this, “The A’s never did win a World Series and all of their relative success was due in large part to Eric Chavez, Miguel Tejada and Jason Giambi — three juice heads.”

While Ed Wade was sleeping off his hangover on Saturday, his Toupee decided to mix things up and actually give Astros fans something to be excited about.  (This is excluding Carlos Lee’s riveting chase to be the 83rd player with 350 home runs.)  The Astros number one prospect, Jordan Lyles, will take over Wandy’s rotation spot.  So the Astros bring up Lyles, but do I Lovett?  His K-rate has been pretty poor in Triple-A, but spots his pitches pretty well without overpowering–  Burp.  Sorry, meant to write gas, not pass it.  He’s not worth grabbing in most mixed leagues, but he’s the kind of guy that could be a game changer in NL-Only leagues where waiver wire adds are a mix of yawnstipating and down right atrocious.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Wandy Rodriguez – The Wandwagon fell off the tracks and heads to the DL with fluid in his elbow.  I wonder if the fluid is acai berry juice, that’s packed with antioxidants!  He should implant a straw into his elbow and drink it.

Francisco Liriano – Will miss one start with a sore shoulder.  He couldn’t hurt himself and miss starts when he was still pitching poorly?

Joe Nathan – Headed to the DL.  They should send the entire Twins offense there, too.

Brandon Belt – Proving Sciosciapath’s come in different shapes and area codes, Bochy announced that Belt would be used primarily as a bench bat.  This move is so incomprehensible to me that I tend to think Bochy’s just saying it to ease Belt into the majors for this second go around.  He can’t actually be contemplating stunting the progress of his top prospect by calling him up and putting him on the bench.  This would be like your boss at Little Caesars telling you that your pizza making skills are too good to be washing dishes, so he promotes you to watching others make pizza while your skills get rusty.  Let Belt make pizza!

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, home run.  There’s still a number one Sciosciapath and he manages the Los Angeles Angels of Not Los Angeles.  On Saturday, he started Branyan against a righty and benched Trumbo.  Not good for Trumbo’s fantasy value. <–Well, obviously.  Hopefully, Trumbo’s home run yesterday will lead to him starting over the prospblock.

Corey Patterson – Five hits in an extra inning game, including a game-winning home run on Saturday.  4-for-5 with his 4th homer on Sunday.  That’s more hits than the 2 Coreys combined (Goonies, Stand by Me and Prayer of the Rollerboys).

Aaron Hill – Finally, he hit his 1st home run of the season.  If La Russa was managing the opposing team, he would’ve x-rayed Hill’s bat to make sure it wasn’t Bautista’s.

Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-3 with his 2nd home run of the season.  He tends to get scolding hot for extended stretches, so if someone dropped him in your league, I’d grab him.

Vance Worley – 3 IP, 5 ER.  Guess they can wait before they add a 5th head to Mt. Philmore.

Jimmy Rollins – 2-for-4 and three steals in the last two days.  He’s not quite the guy who won the MVP a few years ago, but he’s also not as dusty as I thought he’d be.  Then again, he’ll probably pull a hammy by July and miss a month.

Jose Reyes – 4-for-5 with 2 triples as he got too excited and had a serious case of premature extrabasulation.

Sean O’Sullivan – 5 2/3 IP, 10 ER.  Appropriately, his initials are SOS.

Joakim Soria – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Wow, he’s a mess.  Wouldn’t be surprised to hear him placed on the Disgraceful List any day now.

Hanley Ramirez – Left yesterday’s game with a stiff lower back as his dream season continues.  Maybe next he can run over your dog.

Scott Sizemore – Traded to the A’s and was sent down to learn 3rd base.  I’d start at The Cactus Album then try Derelicts of Dialect.

Ryan Raburn – Will be the everyday 2nd baseman with the Sizemore trade.  Terrific, fantastic, c’est bonderful, but he still needs to hit.

John Danks – 4 IP, 9 ER.  That’s one way to stop the White Sox’s six man rotation.

Yunesky Maya – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER.  Nats called him up for Sunday’s start.  Due to my love for all things Cuban — cigars, plantains, rafts — I’m watching to see if Maya can make good on his promise, but four earned in four innings isn’t a great sign.

Juan Nicasio – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I’d say we’d reevaluate if he pitched well, and, what do you know, he did.  I’d now look to grab him in deeper mixed leagues where you need to gamble on upside.  He didn’t show it Saturday, but he can strike guys out.  Yummo!

Eric Young Jr. – Since his call up, 5 for 14 and a steal while starting every day.  If you’re in a quiet place, you may want to turn down the volume on the next sentence.  PICK HIM UP!

Justin Masterson – 5 IP, 6 ER as his troubles against lefties continues.  I have an idea, you play Carmona at first and let him pitch to the lefties.  You snicker like I’m a gooftard, but people snickered when Doug Allison of the Cincinnati Red Stockings used the first leather glove in 1870.  They called balderdash, but it was not balderdash, my kind sir.  It was not!

Yovani Gallardo – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Member when you were like I wanna drop him, YoGa’s stretching my patience?  He’s now lowered his ERA from 7.10 to 3.89 in less than a month with a 1.29 ERA since May 7th.

Alex Cobb – The Tampa Bay Peach will take over for Sonnanstine in the Rays rotation.  He was knocked around pretty good in his spot start earlier this year vs. the Not Los Angeles Los Angeles Angels, but he has been solid in Triple-A.  1.14 ERA, plus-9 K-rate, limits walks and keeps the ball down.  His drawback is his lack of an overpowering fastball.  For now, I’d only look at him in AL-Only leagues because of his division and lack of experience.

Jeremy Hellickson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Good season so far.  Too bad a pitcher with Hell in his name wasn’t around when they were called the Devil Rays.  Could’ve had some goat blood tie-ins and virgin sacrifices.  First virgin could’ve been Cowboy Jon from the second Real World.

Evan Longoria – 4-for-7 and a home run but only one RBI as he spent the weekend hitting lead off.  Supposedly, the idea of him leading off came about when the team was in the clubhouse having lunch.  He swan’d out a napkin for Upton and Fuld called him a great table-setter.  Maddon overheard and the rest is history.  (It’s as plausible as any other reason to bat Longoria lead off.)

Jay Bruce – Hit another home run as he continues to invite his fantasy owners to his star mitzvah.

Blake Tekotte – 0-for-3, but got his 2nd start in the row.  Tekotte (Tea-coat-e) has good plate discipline and decent speed (30 SBs over a season).  For now, it’s gotta be a very deep league to contemplate him because his playing time isn’t guaranteed.  Though, the Padres should keep Tekotte’s fanny off the bench for a twilight.  (A’la Comic Book Guy, “Lamest.  Pun.  Ever!”)

Josh Collmenter – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He continues to pitch better than he has any right to, but, hey, while he’s got it, flaunt it.

Alexi Ogando – 6 IP, 5 ER.  Finally, the correction I craved!  Now, if only Jaime Garcia would get hit hard.  Oh, wait a second…  Muahahahahaha…  Breath, Grey, breath! Thanks, random italicized voice.

Mike Napoli – 2 games this weekend, 2 homers.  This is why you Ron Popeil your catcher.  At the end of the season, you’ll look at Napoli’s stats and you’ll be fine with the 20-plus home runs, bleh average and decent RBIs.  Then next March, you’ll look at his stats again and draft him, then next April you’ll drop him.

Jon Jay – Hitting over .400 in May, .464 in the last 7 games and he hit a home run on Sunday.  Doesn’t have huge power or speed, but worth the flyer to see how long he can keep it going.

Allen Craig – Has been playing 2nd base to try and get offense into the Cards lineup.  La Russa said something interesting about the move, “It’s not a wacky thing where there’s nothing to gain.”  In all seriousness, I think this is a peek into La Russa’s mind where he knows some of the things he does are wacky, it’s just this is not one of them.  Here’s La Russa’s mind, “Batting the pitcher eighth?  Okay, wacky.  Changing the closer every third day?  A little wacky.  Wearing a live puppy-kitten scarf?  Definitely wacky!  Starting a good bat at a weak offensive spot?  Not so wacky.”

Jaime Garcia – 3 1/3 IP, 11 ER and 15 baserunners.  Altar boys rejoice in the karma of a Cardinal being violated.

The other day I was feeling tired but not tired like I could sleep but tired like I wanted to lie in bed and have Rudy read me a bedtime story.  So here’s what Rudy read to me, “Once upon a time, a very long time ago now, about last Friday, Neftali Feliz was the best closer in the major leagues.  Then there was a buzzing noise.  This buzzing noise meant something.  You don’t get a buzzing noise like that, just buzzing and buzzing, without it meaning something.  If there’s a buzzing noise, somebody’s making a buzzing noise, and the only reason for making a buzzing noise that I know of is because you’re a save vulture about to pick up Darren Oliver.”  “Rudy, why do the save vultures want Darren Oliver?”  “The  only reason for being a save vulture that I know of is for stealing saves from closer carcasses and right now Neftali is a carcass for the next two weeks.”  “But, Rudy, I own Neftali Feliz in a lot of leagues.  In fact, he’s been my best pitcher in a lot of those leagues.”  Long pause.  “Grey, I’m going to read you a different story.  I call this one, ‘Arthur Rhodes Will Steal Some Situational Saves from Darren Oliver.’”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball this weekend:

Ryan Madson – Jose Contreras, the Phillies closer and AARP Man of the Month of April, is headed to the DL.  I’d grab Madson everywhere (shoot, I think I already owned him in some leagues), but keep it in mind that he is a Cuddle Boy.  Speaking of which, can he enter the ninth inning with James Ingram’s Just Once playing?  That would be so awesome.  On the Jumbotron, a montage of the last scenes from The Last American Virgin could be playing, but instead of the kid paying for an abortion and driving home crying, it’s the Philliebot.

Roy Halladay – 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 14 Ks.  Sure, but he didn’t have to face the Padres best hitter, Nick Hundley.

Albert Pujols – Left the game with tightness in his hamstring.  Day-to-day as of this writing.  Or D2D, if you like these things to look like R&B groups.

Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I think I was supposed to draft Max Scherzer, The Nazi Killer, on at least one team.  What happened to that?  Or as Al Capps would say, “WHY DIDN’T THAT HAPPEN?!”

Ryan Raburn – You gave up on him.  Yeah, you did.  Okay, lie to yourself.  Either way, he’s playing every day and he hit 2 homers in the last four games.

Darwin Barney – 2-for-5 yesterday and hitting .329 so far.  He has no homers and 1 steal on the year.  Is he doing more than the middle infielder schmohawk behind door number #1?  Yeah, probably, but don’t get carried away.

Matt Kemp – 2-for-5, batting .402, 5 homers and 8 steals, not in just this game that would’ve been a record, except for a few games there in the early 2000s when Bonds was shooting up.  Kemp is on some kind of mission to prove he doesn’t need Torre, an owner or a woman to get the job done.  Doing work, son.  I like to think right now Kemp is in the locker room talking about himself in third person and wearing a kaftan.  Why?  Because he can!

Andre Ethier – I think he’s hit in every game this season.  So far I’m like 0-for-schmohawks with my overrated posts, but the season is young like Delmon.

John Lackey – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Los Angeles Angels of Not-Los Angeles County.  Maybe Lackey was pumped to face his old team, I don’t know.  I wouldn’t own him with your team.

Carl Crawford – 2-for-4 and a home run.  After the game, Crawford said he totally overslept his alarm clock by three and a half weeks.  Oopsie!

Randy Wolf – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I kinda don’t even want to talk about Wolf right now because he’s carrying our supposed-to-be-Gallardo-led LABR staff.

Rickie Weeks – Returned from a hand thingie-ma-whosie and hit a homer.  Appropriate of nothing… For some reason, I see Rickie Weeks singing the lyrics, “Felt on the big fat fanny,” louder than all the other words in It Was A Good Day.

Mike Aviles – Had the AYCE Slam & Legs yesterday when he gobbled down two homers and a steal.  Don’t like Aviles, but this could be the start of a hot streak.  If you’re hurting at middle infield, I’m not above picking up someone I don’t like.

Jeff Francoeur – 1-for-3 with a Freedom Fly.  He was a Buy in Friday’s post that I wrote while burping ulcer bile caused by my family visiting.

Mike Napoli – Now has 5 homers in 32 at-bats.  He now has more homers than games started.

Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4, 3 Ks and hitting .247 on the year.  Wait, wasn’t he supposed to win the MVP after the first week of the season?  Sonavathelastthreeweeks!

Danny Espinosa – He was one of our favorite MI sleepers coming into the season as he’s shown 20/20 potential and solid job security.  The biggest negatives were AVG (over/under at .245) and lineup position (which drives Runs/RBIs).  The AVG concerns aren’t going anywhere but he’s been hitting leadoff this week which should help his Runs and SB attempts.  He finally got his first SB on Sunday and wouldn’t be surprised if he goes on a streak like his MI-mate Ian Desmond.

Michael Morse – 6 for his last 16 with a homer yesterday.  Maybe it just took him a while to step up to the immense sleeper potential put on him.  (<–not sarcastic!)

Ben Zobrist – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer and 2nd homer in two games.  If a mohel in your league circumcised Zobrist from their team a little too quickly, you should grab him.

James Shields – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  ERA is now at 2.35 on the year.  Yeah, he’s bouncing back.  I’d start him every time out sans hesitation.  Or sansitation, for those that enjoy a good portmanteau.

Ricky Romero – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks and has an ERA of 3.00.  I feel like I was supposed to own him too.  Why do I not own any of the breakout guys that I wanted that are doing good but own all the potential breakout guys that aren’t doing well?  Why do you make me suffer Fantasy Gods?

Brandon Morrow – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  The sun did come out for Morrow.  Bet your bottom dollar!

Brett Cecil – Demoted to Triple-A not because he threw tantrums in the dugout.  But because he threw tantrums in the dugout after not pitching well.  Throw a tantrum after pitching well and you’re labeled eccentric and awesome.

Aaron Hill – Finally goes on DL after almost a whole week of waitin’ and seein’.  Evidently, the Blue Jays are playing in a weekly league vs. a daily league.

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer.  I told you he was a great guy to draft…Only I told you about 13 months too early.  Excuse me if you can’t handle my prescience.

Derek Jeter – 4-for-6 to raise his average .257.  Not a huge fan, but I did almost make Jeter a Buy on Friday.  He’s not done done, just not the Pasta Diving Jeter he once was.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper has pain in his right knee.  His left knee said, “Join the club!”

Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Beachy didn’t leave many stranded.

Brett Anderson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Another guy I loved in the preseason that I should own everywhere, yet don’t.  Dubya tee eff, doode, dubya tee eff.

Brad Ziegler – Attributes his early success with his new diet that includes drinking soy milk.  Luckily he didn’t start drinking V-8 as that might jeopardize his pitching motion.

Anibal Sanchez – Took a no-hitter into the ninth on Friday.  This was what I wrote to Rudy this weekend over IM.  “Here’s our luck thus far in our leagues.  One pitcher we’ve dropped in all our leagues so far…. The one pitcher we felt we should’ve never drafted and that was expendable… The pitcher we dropped in one league for Phil Effin’ Coke was… Anibal Sanchez.”  Rudy responded with, “I saw.”  There was nothing else to say.  The pain was palpable.

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Member that Go West “King of Wishful Thinking” thing I said about Marcum starting the All-Star Game?  Yeah, it’s gonna be Johnson.  Be fun to watch his porn star brother Gosh Johnson work the All-Star crowd for groupies.  “We’re gonna have a Johnson signing event in my hotel room from 2 to 3.  That’s 2 PM to 3 AM.”

Scott Rolen – Who had Easter Sunday for the Rolen to DL pool (with strained left shoulder that’s been a persistent issue for him)?  Collect your money.  For now, Cairo is the replacement and is recommended in all Fantasy Razzball league formats (aka you get points for negative performance).  Juan Francisco will get some starts when he returns from the DL.  He’s got serious power but has more holes in his swing than Augusta National.  He’s a good stash in NL-only though.

David Wright – The AYCE slam & legs (2 HR, 1 SB) with 3 runs and 3 RBIs.  Watching the carcass tandem of Jason Bay and Carlos Beltran play so hard must be inspiring him.

Jason Pridie – With Angel Pagan on the DL (did he tag in Jason Bay first?), Terry Collins looked at his corner OFs (Bay and Beltran) and decided he needed better than the average at best defense of Willie Harris and Scott Hairston in CF.  Pridie has a good defensive reputation and has shown speed in the minors (25 SBs a year in two full AAA seasons) but, despite his HR on Sunday, is a below average hitter that’s worthless outside of NL-only leagues.  Or as Larry David would say, “He is (not) pridie pridie good.”

Zack Greinke – He’s still on pace for an early May return.  Only 3 things could derail it:  1) he plays pickup basketball, 2) he has a mental episode, or 3) he has a mental episode about not playing pickup basketball.