Fantasy Baseball Advice

Let’s go over the Danny Espinosa positives first, shall we?  A) In Triple-A, he had  18 homers and 20 steals.  B) At MI, you need another positive after A? C) B was already forced and you want a C? D) Hmm… You need another positive, huh?  Umm… How about D. Espinosa anagrams to Adios ESPN?  Okay, the negative is the 94 Ks in 99 games at Triple-A.  That sounds like a recipe for a .230 average over the course of the season.  I’d preach some caution if this were April, but he’s currently hitting in the major leagues and is worth a flier to see if he can stay hot.  In keepers, I’d grab him for a buck because he’ll have solid position eligibility next year and has good pop and speed.  And, as most of you know who have read this site longer than a second, I don’t mind average killers.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Juan Gutierrez – It’s not playing with fire to get saves from Gutierrez.  Like playing with dynamite.

Koji Uehara – If you need saves, here ya go.  Though I wouldn’t be surprised if Koji gives you indigestion, even if Chef Roy Choi disagrees.

Matt Thornton – Could’ve listed Putz or Sale here, but I think Thornton’s the first guy to get saves in Jenks’ stead, assuming MT can stay healthy and BJ can stay, um, unhealthy.

Clay Hensley – The Marlins are saying Nunez will reclaim the closer job, but he ain’t got it now, does he?  Rhetorical!

Ryan Madson – SAGNOF!

Ryan Perry – Just went over my Ryan Perry fantasy.

Jhoulys Chacin – You really need to put aside your past prejudices about Rockie pitchers.  This is no longer the days of Mike Hampton, who hit better than he pitched.

Jorge de la Rosa – Hasn’t thrown a turd since his second start back from the DL.  And that’s the truth, Ruth!

Cory Luebke – I wouldn’t risk him in an away game unless you really need to gamble, but I’d start him in home games.  You know how I do.

Brian Duensing – Just went over my Duensing fantasy.  It involved silk ribbons and hot wax.  Wait, no it didn’t.  Wait II, did it?

Ivan Nova – Surprising that he’s not owned everywhere since he’s a Yankee.  Guess people realize he could roofie you at any time and render your naughty bits unusable.

Logan Morrison – I’m like a little kid in a candy store with this guy.  That’s right, I have cavities thanks to Morrison.  And his OBP makes me ride around on my mop pony screaming yee-haw!

Ike Davis – Member when he was this crazy hot commodity to own back in April?  Yeah, I don’t either, but it’s nice to remember things differently in retrospect.  Anyhoo!  Davis is hitting well over the last week or so.

David Murphy – I’m admittedly a fan of this schmohawk, but you do need to platoon him in and out depending on whether or not he’s facing a lefty.

Michael Brantley – Had five steals and a .291 average in August.  More of the same so far in September.

Eric Young Jr. – I really don’t want to have to keep telling you to grab the same guys, but his ownership numbers at ESPN have actually gone down in the last week.  He has 15 steals in 35 games.  That’s 140 steals in 162 games, give or take 60-something.

SELL

Justin Morneau – Sounding a lot like he’s not returning until the last week of the season and even then he won’t be 100%, he’ll be gearing up for the playoffs.  I know, sucks.  I don’t know why they can’t send him out there with The Great Gazoo’s helmet either.

Gordon Beckham – He’s nursing from the injury bug teet and he wasn’t really doing much even when he was healthy.  In honor of our fantasy football site, punt!

Andres Torres – That thud you just heard was Torres falling back to earth.

Josh Johnson – I’m 99% sure he’s not pitching again this year.  I’m 100% sure that he’s only going to get another two starts even if he does.  You can find someone to replace him in the last few weeks.

Derek Jeter – Okay, so you drafted Jeter just so you could tell your girlfriend that you drafted him so she would then have sex with you.  You didn’t expect it to blow up in your face so bad though.  The drafting of Jeter, not the other half of the equation.  Captain Jeets or Pasta Diving Jeter or whatever you want to call him is hitting .237 vs. righties.  That’s the new blech.

Ryan Perry got the save yesterday because Jose Valverde is out with a tender elbow.  Valverde isn’t supposed to be out long but whenever a reliever’s elbow is in question — or any pitcher, for that matter — it’s cause for concern.  With the Tigers playing for nothing, they could shut Valverde down.  Phil Coke could see some situational saves.  When reached for comment about his new role, Phil Coke said, “This is it?”  By the way, he’s the best lefty reliever synonymous with Coke since Steve Howe.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Johnny Damon – 4-for-4, 2 Runs and an RBI.  Not a bad day to stream him into my lineup.  Hit the wall, turn on the lights, blow on my fist, rub fist on leather jacket and say, “Ayyyyyy.”  (Wasn’t as great a day to stream Casper Wells or Don Kelly, who’s also known as LL Donkey.)

Rick Porcello – 8 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 K.  It’s legitimately hard for me to give a non-hedged endorsement to Porcello.  I don’t like his lack of Ks, but at this stage in the year, all’s fair in love and the waiver wire.  Porcello’s pitching well and gets the Royals in his start after next.  His next start vs. the Rangers in Arlington is a pass.

Bobby Jenks – Is day-to-day with funny bone soreness.  That Bobby, always up to hijenks!   Either way, the funny bone injury doesn’t sound serious.

Matt Thornton – But if Jenks’ jenky ‘bow doesn’t straighten itself out, I’d grab Thornton, Putz or Sale, in that order.

Gavin Floyd – 6 IP, 5 ER, 14 baserunners, 3 Ks as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post.  Floyd would be a whole lot more attractive if he didn’t get absolutely drubbed once a month.  Cust kayin’.

Colby Lewis – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  After a month or so where he treated your team like a public restroom, decent bounce back last night.  I wouldn’t say he’s completely righted the ship with one good start, but if you need Ks, Lewis is your man.

David Murphy – 1-for-3 with a steal.  He’s in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  SPOILER ALERT:  He’s a buy.

Travis Wood -5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I feel like Wood’s teetering on a terrible start his next time out.  I don’t have much to support this.  Just a gut feeling.  Okay, you got me.  I’m now reading tea leaves.

Joey Votto – 0-for-4 the same day CarGo went 0-for-4.  I didn’t look this up, but I’m guessing this was the first time they were both held hitless on the same day this year.  Pretty crazy, huh?  (Assuming it’s true.)

Placido Polanco – Says he’s playing with a broken elbow.  Um… Ouch?  Could explain why his already weak power has been even weaker.  He has 1 homer in the last three months. (Oh, and one steal.)  Yeah, besides average, he’s not giving you anything, but that’s more or less his MO.

Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Coming into this game, he had a 3.43 ERA at home, and that means nothing now that he just soiled my team.

Jason Heyward – Sticking with the newly established Jason theme, Heyward left the game with a leg injury.  He’s day-to-day, hey, hey, hey.

Jair Jurrjens – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Meesa tinks Jar-Jar’s had better games.

Adam Wainwright – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks with his 18th win.  So who wins the NL Cy Young?  Halladay, Wainwright, Ubaldo or a wild card?

Colby Rasmus – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs, 3 Runs, 2 homers.  Geiger!  Let’s go!

Bud Norris – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I’m going to be unrealistically excited about Norris next March and he’s going to let me down in April and crush my will to live.  I know this already.

Andre Ethier – Hit his 21st homer and knocked in his 74th RBI.  He’s also hitting .289 and has 2 steals.  Is there any outfielder that is more overrated?  Luke Scott, Bobby Abreu, Marlon Byrd and Drew Stubbs are just some of the names on ESPN’s Player Rater that have been as valuable as Ethier.

Shawn Hill – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Member when I loved this guy?  Was like two years ago.  We were younger then, you and I.  You look different; I think it’s your hair that’s now on your back.  Hill has some talent, but also needs the same health insurance provider as Nick Johnson.  The chance of Hill providing any value this year is slim to anorexic.

Jose Bautista – 2-for-3 as he hit his 44th homer yesterday, which is 45.43 in U.S. homers.

Roger Clemens – Reports came out that the Canadian police are helping in the Clemens’ probe.  Gives new meaning to Mounties.

In September, closers either mean everything or they mean nothing.  You either really need closers to catch the next nearest guy in saves or you have too much ground to make up and you’re secure in your standings.  If you fall into the former category, I’d grab anyone I could to get saves.  Hello, Juan Gutierrez, would you like to dance?  If you fall into the latter category, you can either start dropping brain freezes –  Joel Hanarahananananan, we had a terrible time together and now I will drop you.  Goodbye.  –  or just bench your lower tier closers to avoid getting Kazaam’d.  I’d only drop a closer if I knew no one could catch me in saves or if it were strategic.  For instance, I’ve been known to drop a closer because I know the guy with the high waiver claim can get him and catch the guy in front of him in saves, which will help me in the overall standings.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (Kerry Wood, David Robertson, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Heath Bell (+1) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson)
3. Billy Wagner (+1) (Takashi Saito, Jonny Venters)
4. Rafael Soriano (+5) (Dan Wheeler, Joaquin Benoit)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Carlos Marmol (-3) (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)
6. Joakim Soria (+2) (Blake Wood, Dusty Hughes)
7. Brian Wilson (+3) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
8. Jonathan Papelbon (+4) (Daniel Bard)
9. Neftali Feliz (+4) (Darren O’Day, Darren Oliver)
10. Jose Valverde (-2) (Ryan Perry, Phil Coke)
11. Ryan Franklin (Kyle McClellan, Jason Motte)
12. Chris Perez (+6) (Rafael Perez)
13. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
14. Andrew Bailey (+16) (Michael Wuertz, Craig Breslow)
15. Matt Capps (Brian Fuentes, Jon Rauch)
16. Kevin Gregg (+7) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
17. Brad Lidge (+4) (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Bobby Jenks– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Konerko in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

18. Huston Street (+5) (Matt Belisle, Rafael Betancourt)
19. David Aardsma (-1) (Brandon League)
20. Fernando Rodney (-3) (Kevin Jepsen)
21. Drew Storen (+5) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett, Miguel Batista)
22. Bobby Jenks (Scott Linebrink, J.J. Putz, Matt Thornton)
23. Hong-Chih Kuo (-18) (Jonathan Broxton, Octavio Dotel)
24. Brandon Lyon (-5) (Wilton Lopez, Matt Lindstrom)
25. Leo Nunez (-10) (Clay Hensley, Jose Veras, Brian Sanches)
26. Hisanori Takahashi (-20) (Bobby Parnell, Pedro Feliciano)
27. John Axford/Trevor Hoffman (-2) (Zach Braddock)
28. Joel Hanrahan (-1) (Evan Meek, Sean Gallagher)
29. Koji Uehara (-1) (Mike Gonzalez, Alfredo Simon)
30. Juan Gutierrez/Aaron Heilman (-1) (Sam Demel, A pitching machine disguised with a handlebar mustache)

Matt Capps got traded and kept his job, Rauch didn’t get traded and lost his job, Octavio Dotel got traded and lost his job, Brian Wilson didn’t get traded but is moping because his shoes are no longer shiny.  It’s the bullpens, ya’ll.  Just yesterday Lindstrom was out with a sore back that he hurt when he tried to get the A’s replacement closer in his fantasy league.  That’s a true story in opposite world.  On the top of the rankings, Wagner made himself a $12 Salad.  On the bottom of the rankings, I wanted to move Chris Perez into the Donkeycorns, but he needs more time in the role first.  He’ll be a Donkeycorn by September.  Mark my words!  But don’t mark them on your computer, that doesn’t come off.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (Kerry Wood, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)
3. Heath Bell (+2) (Luke Gregerson, Ryan Webb)
4. Billy Wagner (+4) (Takashi Saito, Kyle Farnsworth)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Jonathan Broxton (-4) (Octavio Dotel, Hong-Chih Kuo)
6. Francisco Rodriguez (Pedro Feliciano, Bobby Parnell)
7. Jose Valverde (-3) (Ryan Perry, Phil Coke)
8. Joakim Soria (Robinson Tejeda)
9. Rafael Soriano (+1) (Dan Wheeler, Joaquin Benoit)
10. Brian Wilson (-1) (Sergio Romo, Chris Ray)
11. Ryan Franklin (+1) (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan)
12. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard)
13. Neftali Feliz (+1) (Frank Francisco, Darren O’Day)
14. Leo Nunez (+1) (Clay Hensley, Brian Sanches)
15. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
16. Matt Capps (+2) (Jon Rauch, Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain)
17. Brian Fuentes (+3) (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Huston Street– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Tulo in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

18. David Aardsma (+1) (Brandon League)
19. Matt Lindstrom (Brandon Lyon)
20. Chris Perez (+6) (Rafael Perez)
21. Brad Lidge (+2) (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras)
22. Bobby Jenks (+2) (J.J. Putz, Matt Thornton)
23. Kevin Gregg (+2) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
24. Huston Street (+2) (Matt Belisle, Manny Corpas)
25. John Axford (+2) (Trevor Hoffman, Zach Braddock)
26. Drew Storen/Tyler Clippard/Sean Burnett (-8) (Miguel Batista)
27. Joel Hanrahan/Evan Meek (-7) (Sean Gallagher)
28. Alfredo Simon/Mike Gonzalez (David Hernandez)
29. Aaron Heilman (+1) (Sam Demel, Juan Gutierrez)
30. Michael Wuertz/Craig Breslow (-19) (Brad Ziegler, Andrew Bailey, Lou Ferrigno)

For the first time in over two years, Jonathan Papelbon is no longer a $12 Salad.  I know, call your Congressman.  Pass Prop 12.  There’s been signs for a long time that he wasn’t the same closer from 2007.  I didn’t want to move him because he seemed like the epitome of a $12 Salad.  Overpriced lettuce? Yeah, random italicized voice, sorta.  Cool, now I’m totally confused. I think Papelbon has the name value attached to him that makes him seem more attractive than he really is.  His WHIP is kinda bleh.  His ERA’s kinda ugly.  His dancing is hideous.  For the first time in a while, I can see Papelbon’s cracks.  And, uh, cracks kill.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (+1) (Joba Chamberlain, Damaso Marte)
2. Jonathan Broxton (-1) (Hong-Chih Kuo, Ramon Troncoso)
3. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)
4. Jose Valverde (+3) (Phil Coke, Ryan Perry)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Heath Bell (+2) (Luke Gregerson, Mike Adams)
6. Francisco Rodriguez (Pedro Feliciano)
7. Joakim Soria (-2) (Robinson Tejeda, Kyle Farnsworth)
8. Billy Wagner (+5) (Takashi Saito, Peter Moylan)
9. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Chris Ray)
10. Rafael Soriano (Dan Wheeler, Joaquin Benoit)
11. Andrew Bailey (Michael Wuertz, Brad Ziegler)
12. Ryan Franklin (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan)
13. Jonathan Papelbon (-10) (Daniel Bard, Hideki Okajima)
14. Neftali Feliz (+7) (Frank Francisco, Darren O’Day)
15. Leo Nunez (+2) (Brian Sanches)
16. Francisco Cordero (-2) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
17. Jon Rauch (-2) (Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain)
18. Matt Capps (+1) (Tyler Clippard, Drew Storen)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Brian Fuentes– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Napoli in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. David Aardsma (-3) (Brandon League)
20. Matt Lindstrom (Brandon Lyon, Jeff Fulchino)
21. Brian Fuentes (-3) (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen)
22. Octavio Dotel (Evan Meek, Joel Hanrahan)
23. Brad Lidge (+5) (Jose Contreras, Danys Baez, Chad Durbin)
24. Bobby Jenks (-1) (J.J. Putz, Matt Thornton)
25. Kevin Gregg (-1) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
26. Huston Street (-1) (Manny Corpas, Matt Belisle, Rafael Betancourt)
27. John Axford (+2) (Trevor Hoffman, Zach Braddock, Carlos Villanueva)
28. Kerry Wood (-2) (Chris Perez, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez)
29. Alfredo Simon (+1) (David Hernandez, Jason Berken, Mike Gonzalez)
30. Aaron Heilman (-3) (Chad Qualls, Sam Demel, Juan Gutierrez, R.B.I. Baseball’s Mike Scott)