Fantasy Baseball Advice

Andres Torres went 2-for-4 with the delicious slam & legs.  My man has slams and legses for days!  This is his 2nd homer and 2nd steal since he’s returned from his appendectomy.  Somehow he’s a Latin 32, but he played this season like an Asian 52, which isn’t an official Razzball glossary term, but comes from my belief that all Asians look much younger until they hit 53-years-old then they look much older than they are.  For instance, you see an Asian man who’s 52-years-old and you’re like, “Wow, you look like you’re about 32-years-old.”  Then you see an Asian man who is 53-years-old and you’re like, “Wow, you look like you’re 97-years old.”  Pat Morita is a great example of this phenomenon.  At the age of 43, he played Arnold on Happy Days and looked young for his age.  At the age of 54, he played Mr. Miyagi and looked ancient.  I’d grab Torres for the final weekend if you’re desperate, but the Giants may rest him once they clinch.  In 2011, I think Torres might suddenly look 97-years-old.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-3 with his 13th homer.  Look at Kung F.U. Panda showing a little taste of his extinct power right after everyone in their right mind has already dropped him.

Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks as he officially crossed the innings threshold making it not completely safe to draft him next year.  The division, the ballpark, the stuff… It’ll be hard to avoid him, but January Grey might have to look into it further (if I bail J.G. out of jail).

Buster Posey – 2-for-4 with his 17th homer as he hits .313.  You’ll excuse me if I don’t pop a blood vessel next year when it comes to getting in early on Posey.

Mark Reynolds – I forget if I read this or heard it (I think it’s the latter, if it matters), but Reynolds is about to accomplish the impossible.  Something that has never been done before in a full season of at-bats.  He’s going to finish with a higher number of Ks than batting average.  Right now, he sits at 208 Ks and a .198 average.  Aren’t you glad I told you to buy into Mini Donkey in 2009 and to avoid him in 2010?

Felix Hernandez – F-her F’d me.  He’s shut down for the year.  Look elsewhere, I’m crying.  Seriously, stop looking at me.  He was my ace!

Carlos Gonzalez – Mr. Slam & Legs sat yesterday and is sitting on Sunday.  Tracy said now that the Chokies are eliminated there’s no reason to play CarGo.  What’s this the last few days of Senior year and he’s already going to his safety school?  Play the games!

Ryan Ludwick – 0-for-4, batting .218 with 5 homers on the Padres in 198 ABs.  Somebody send those stats to Werth before he thinks about signing with the Padres in the offseason.

Jon Garland – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Here’s a great illustration of hodgepadres.  Garland has a 4.34 career ERA in over 2000 innings, so it’s not like it’s fluky.  His home ERA this year is 3.00 in 108 IP.

Drew Stubbs – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 22nd homer.  Power, speed and Ks… I’m getting on board for next year.  That’s the Stubbbub.

Brett Myers – 5 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  Was obviously spooked when the President of NOW threw out the first pitch.

Jon Lester – 4 IP, 8 ER, 14 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The last start of the year should be like a nice cognac.  Not malt liquor sifted through cigarette butts.

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks and ends the year with an ERA of 3.23, which is below Jon Lester.  Literally.

Cliff Pennington – 1-for-3 with his 6th homer.  I picked him up for yesterday’s game.  Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good.

Pedro Alvarez – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 4th homer in the last 10 games.  I told you to pick him up 9 games ago.  The preceding was a gentle reminder for you to blame yourself.

Chris Narveson – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Has had a great 2nd half and gets Ks, so you’d think I’d be all over him like something on something for next year.  The issue, loyal Razzball reader, Narveson was good last 2nd half too and that didn’t mean anything in the beginning of this year.

Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3 with his 12th steal.  Guy had a good year, so I don’t want unjolly his socks too much, but how does Pujols have more steals than him?  Pujols runs like the nerdy kid in your 6th grade gym class.  He’s all arms and hips!

Chris Carpenter – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks as Carpenter nailed the door shut.  *knock,knock*  Um, I think you locked me in here.

Cliff Lee – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks.  The Adverb ended the year with 185 Ks to 18 BBs.  Brilliant Lee.

Peter Bourjos – 3-for-4 with his 5th homer.  Also, he has 10 steals.  He looks like a young Drew Stubbs.  I might avoid him for 2011 and come back at him in 2012.  Will need to think on that though(t).

Mike Aviles – 1-for-4 with another steal.  Honestly, I have no idea what’s gotten into him.  In 244 career games, he has 21 steals.  In the last 6 games, he has 5 steals and he tried to steal in the 6th game but was caught.  Did Boras call him up and say I can get you money if you steal bases?  Did Aviles and Butler make a bet and Aviles doesn’t want to lose because then he has to buy dinner?

Jose Bautista – Hit his 53rd and 54th homers.  Imagine the publicity Bautista would’ve got this year if McGwire, Sosa and Bonds didn’t “save” our game.

Travis Snider – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs and guess what he did for the third game in a row.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  *scratches head, picks something off big toe, burps*  He homered!  C’mon, that was an easy one.

Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  If you missed out on the dozen other corner infidels I’ve been touting for the last few days, give Edwin a go.

Justin Smoak – Speaking of touted corner infidels, Smoak stayed hot yesterday going 2-for-2 and is now hitting over .400 in the last week.

Mike Stanton – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 22nd homer in his 97th game.  I hate The Beatles, but when I read Stanton’s line tonight I started humming, “I love you…  Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!” BTW, Paul McCartney has a lady face.

Leo Nunez – Recorded his 30th save and should get another opportunity this weekend assuming there is one (an opportunity, not a weekend).  The Marlins said they’re trying to rebuild Nunez’ confidence.  Here’s a secret, if someone knows people are attempting to rebuild their confidence, it makes it so much harder.  Maybe it’s confirmation bias, maybe it’s some other made-up, Psych 101 word.  Okay, I’m letting class out a little early today.  Don’t forget to read Chapter 3, “Your Green Pants Don’t Make You Irish, Drinking Does.”

Matt Kemp doesn’t seem like he cares.  Well, about anything outside of protecting Rihanna’s honor and piercings.  I don’t blame him.  The GM questions his defense.  The manager plays Jay Gibbons over him.  Andre Ethier gets all the cool pink shirts.  Manny was recently overheard saying, “What does a man have to do to get a cool pink shirt up in this mug?!”  I contemplated not going with Kemp for this lead because it’s past a lot of people’s trade deadlines.  If it’s past your deadline, skip down to the Buy section, there will be plenty of schmohawks to grab off waivers.  If it’s not past your deadline, there’s few top players whose value is lower than Matt Kemp right now.  Kemp’s owners right now are having flashbacks to last season when he was batting behind the pitcher.  Torre’s a Sciosciapath with Kemp, his owners know it.  So, step one for value is achieved, Kemp’s price tag is cheaper than his value.  Could Kemp continue to suck on the suckhole for the rest of the year?  I suppose, loyal Razzball reader.  But he’s also capable of a 7+ homer, 5+ steal month and there’s not a lot of guys that can say that, especially at his current price.  Anyway, here’s more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Hisabobby Takafelicianell – No relation to Zoey Deschanel, if anyone was wondering.  This shituation would be clearer if we only had some idea who setup K-Rod in the Family Lunge.  Did Parnell help setup the in-law with a stomach punch or nipple twist?  Did Feliciano come in with a left hook?  Did R.A. Dickey give him a knuckle sandwich?  Hard to know.  I think Hisanori or Feliciano are the best bets going forward.

Aaron Heilman – I wouldn’t even mention him if he were owned in more than 18% of ESPN leagues.  You want saves, you grab Heilman.  That is all.

Michael Wuertz – Another guy I’d own before the Hisabobby mess.

Octavio Dotel – SAGNOF!

Brandon Lyon – The five earned runs the other day still stings in my nether regions.  Or maybe that’s an STD.  Anyhoo!  Lindstrom’s either falling apart or injured.  Grab Lyon for the vultures.

Jeremy Hellickson – I haven’t talked about Hellickson nearly enough.  Not!  Should you pick him up?  Yacht!

Mike Minor – The Minor problem (hehe) is his time in the rotation may be limited.  No problems with his stuff though.

Brandon Morrow – How is he owned in less than 50% of Yahoo and ESPN leagues?  He leads the majors in K-rate.  Get it together, people.

Ryan Raburn – Only a Buy because he has 2nd base eligibility and he’s capable of 15 homers… Sure, that’s in over 400 at-bats.  But that’s .04 homers per at-bat!

Omar Infante – I feel silly constantly recommending a guy I don’t even particularly like myself.  Shoot, only two guys are excited about Infante.  Charlie Manuel and Smash Mouth.  Omar, you’re an All-Star, go to third base, get paid.

Jed Lowrie – Has very little speed and power… He’s kinda like Omar Infante without the hype.  You might be thinking to yourself, “Omar Infante doesn’t have any hype.”  Exactly!  Lowrie is hitting .444 for the last week and has been known to get hot for a month at a time in the later months of the year.  Or for one month, once in his career (August 2008).

Jerry Hairston Jr. – Hitting near .500 over the last week with 3 homers.  It just doesn’t get better than that!  Well, it might, but he’s currently hot.

Mike Lowell – If I saw a contending team pick up Lowell, I’d send them a message, “Hey, you could still win this thing, why are you giving up?”  They’ll respond with a variation of, “Why do you say I’m giving up?”  Me, “Because you picked up Mike Lowell.”  Then within a few days, they’ll drop him.  Even if he’s hitting well.  Lowell’s just one of those players that you pick up and feel like you’re just not trying hard enough.

Carlos Delgado – Once Delgado is called up, the Red Sox are going to have the best 2003 platoon ever.

Pat Burrell – Same category as Lowell, not as good eligibility.  Hopefully the newly-acquired Jose Guillen doesn’t hurt his playing time.  re: Guillen; Good to see Brian Sabean hasn’t lost his flair for the flat-footed vet who should be a DH.  You know who Sabean should acquire to play first?  Big Papi.  Or bring Griffey back to play center.  Or at least platoon with Aaron Rowand.  It’s the mannequin defense.  Most times the defense alignment means moving guys in and out, right and left.  For the Giants outfield, they have to decide if they want to play their fielders with their gloves in the air for a fly ball or on the ground because once the ball is hit there is no time for them to move their arms.  John Dewan heard about the Guillen signing — on top of the recent Burrell signing — and held up his Fielding Bible yelling, “Blasphemer!”

Michael Brantley – Had 46 steals in Triple-A in 2009.  Had 13 steals in only 67 games this year.  If you need more, I’m not sure I can help you.

Ryan Ludwick – I could’ve put Chris Denorfia in this list too, but because of a lot of red tape and legalese I’m not allowed to put three Padre hitters in the Buy section.  (Though you could say I just did mention Denorfia.  Sneaky!)

David Murphy – I’ve been pimping this schmohawk for about a week.  Why, Grey, why so much love? Cause he’s hot, random italicized voice.  Oh, thought there might be more to it. Nope, he’s hitting over .400 in the last week with three homers.  Pretty interesting. Okay, you interject, random italicized voice.  You don’t converse.  Snippy!

SELL

Jason Bay – This obviously isn’t a Sell as much as a Drop, but my OCD doesn’t allow me to change the headings.  Think back when you first drafted Bay.  You convinced yourself that he could hit in Metco and the NL.  You were wrong.  Accept defeat and drop him.  Even if he returns, David Murphy has done more in a week than Bay did all year.

Carlos Beltran – Another one of your Mr. Bungle moves.  Really, at this time of the year, I don’t have patience for underperforming guys.  What’s Beltran suddenly going to be, his 2006 self?  Let’s live in the present.  Currently, Beltran has one homer and is batting .214.  That’s nice… Punt!

Chase Headley – Hey, I was a fan of the sleeper Headley in the preseason, but doode never woke up.  He has 4 homers and 4 steals in his last 200+ ABs.  I just popped a zit in a mirror and the puss spelled out, “Blech.”

Ted Williams hit a HR in his last AB.  John Elway won his 2nd straight Super Bowl in his last start.  Chipper Jones eschewed a standing ovation in favor of a reclining operation.  Sometimes you don’t appreciate greatness until it hits the DL.  In between all the injuries, Chipper Jones has had one of the top 5 careers for a 3rd basemen in WAR (behind only Schmidt, Eddie Mathews, Boggs and Brett).  Fairly well, Glass Chipper, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars while trying not to pull any ligaments.  Omar Infante should now play every day for the rest of the year even after Prado returns.  He’s a solid average contributor and… Well… Uh…  Yeah, average.  That’s it.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Freddie Freeman – Frank Wren says the injury to Chipper doesn’t change Freeman’s timetable.  Glaus’ inability to hit anything other than weak grounders to the shortstop could change that timetable though.  Right now, I don’t think we see Freeman until September.  Stay tuned!  Or not.  Your choice.

Jonathan Papelbon – 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  I’m already dreading the ongoing storyline of 2011 that will lead to questions like this, “Grey, when will Bard take over the closer job?  When will Papelbon get traded?  How do you get your mustache so full?”

Jed Lowrie – 1-for-3 with his 1st homer.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  I’m still waiting for Chacin from last week?! He didn’t get called up like he was supposed to so there was no reason to mention him in the Buy/Sell, random italicized voice.  You’re lucky I’m forgiving.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2-for-4.  Salty’s bachia.  He’ll be backing up V-Mart primarily, but in two catcher or AL-Only leagues I’d try some Salty.  Just make sure no one seasons the plate right before you.

Bobby Jenks – Left the game with a bad back.  Weird, cause he looks like he’s in such good shape.  I think Rubenesque is the term.  Putz and Thornton are the pickups, in that order.  Though it could easily go the other way.

Matt Cain – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I know it’s of little consolation but he was unlucky in the first inning to give up 2 of those runs.  Then again, he’s been lucky for two years straight so I guess it’s only fair.

Pat Burrell – 2 HRs, 5 RBIs.  You know this’ll only encourage Brian Sabean to sign more over the hill players.  He must be stewing about missing out on Jim Edmonds.

Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-4 with a homer.  The Panda’s hitting almost .400 in the last week on something other than a scale.

Casey McGehee – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 18th homer.  This is what Rudy said to me on IM yesterday, “I wish we got McGehee on more teams.  You and your freakin’ Headley.”  Only he didn’t use the word freakin’.

Stephen Drew – Hit his 2nd homer in as many games.  This guy’s about two years overdue for a hot streak.  Could surprise with a big final month and a half.  Though, technically, it wouldn’t be that surprising since I’m pointing it out.  Neverthehoo!

Shane Victorino – Activated from the DL and that makes the 2010 Domonic obsolete.  In keepers, hold tight.  In redraft leagues, you gotta let Brown go.

Carlos Ruiz – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs.  He’s been hitting the ball well in the last ten days.  I gotta fess up, I haven’t mentioned Ruiz because I know the mention of any hot hitting catcher leads to a cacophony of “Should I drop Napoli for ______?”

Ryan Howard – Says he should be able to return at or around August 17th.  Hopefully everyone’s got their infieluenza shot.

Jonathan Broxton – Gave up three earned runs and recorded no outs.  This is the kind of outing that loses closers their job.  I seriously doubt if he gets the next save chance.  I’m not sure if he’ll be officially replaced or if he’s just given a rest from closing.  I think it’ll be the latter, but you never know.  I’d grab Octavio Dotel everywhere, in the non-perverse way.

Jeanmar Gomez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Jeanmar, may I ask if you’re Flemish?  Why do you ask? Because saying your name makes me hock up phlegm.

Michael Brantley – 4-for-5 with a steal and 9-for-24 with a homer since his recall.  Could be a cheap source of steals.  SAGNOF!

Jason Kubel – Yesterday, he hit his 6th homer since the All-Star break.  Member when I ranked him crazy high in my 2nd half rankings?  I don’t want to say I told ya so, but isn’t the essence of the ‘I told ya so’ said by saying ‘I don’t want to say I told ya so.’

Kevin Slowey – Will start on Sunday vs. the A’s.  I’m not sure if that’s the good news or the bad news.

Ryan Ludwick – It’s actually pretty interesting how hitters get hot, I talk about them for about a week then they go cold and there’s a new batch.  Maybe it’s only interesting to me.  If you’ve been following since Monday, you already know what Ludwick did yesterday.  *SPOILER ALERT* It’s the same thing he’s done three times this week.

Jon Garland – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I know the first rule of Razzball is you do not talk about Razzball, but if you were ever to explain a hodgepadre to someone.  Here’s an easy way.  Garland’s Away ERA is 4.52.  In Petco, 2.69.

Jose Reyes – 2-for-4, 2 steals.  Everyone else is catching charges so Reyes decided to start stealing.

Johan Santana – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Clearly he’s as good at picking apart a lineup as he is at getting picked out of a lineup.

Hisabobby Takafelicianell – The Mets bullpen is in tatters… Shattered.  Key syllable is shat.  Will the closer be Brother Rob or Disco Bobby Parnell?  Feliciano just cut his hair and is no longer interesting.  Hisanori is a fun name to say, but does Manuel go there?  Don’t know.  Do the Mets even get a save?  Hard to say.  I grabbed Hisanori and Parnell, then I dropped Parnell and grabbed Feliciano.  Then I dropped Feliciano, took a steam, had dinner and benched Hisanori.  Now, I’m exhausted.

Francisco Rodriguez – To the restricted list and could be out for a few days or longer.  Mets fans are just upset he isn’t married to Omar Minaya’s daughter.

Okay, I’m officially in love.  ‘Grey hearts Jeremy Hellickson‘ is going all over the Trapper Keeper.  I’m going to put a paper bag on my Science book and decorate it with Hellickson pictures I find off the internet.  Then if someone says something, I’m going to punch them in their big, fat mouth.  Then while in detention, I’m going to write a song for Jeremy Hellickson and I’m going to get my friends band, The Quadratics, to perform the song at the Sadie Hawkins Dance.  That’s what I’m going to do.  His line yesterday 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks in only 86 pitches.  His line last time nearly as good.  His line tomorrow?  The moon!  Though he’s not pitching tomorrow, but, if he were, he’d have the moon.  I’d grab Hellickson in all leagues.  He has a nice K-rate and solid control.  A terrific combo.  Could he go out next time and roofie you?  There’s always that chance, but his next start is the Rangers at home and they’re not exactly road scholars.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dan Johnson – 0-for-1, 4 BBs.  He has 3 hits and 11 walks since his call up last week.  He has a .176 average and a .483 OBP.  He’s the one true outcome hitter.

Andre Ethier – 4-for-4, 4 Runs, 3 RBIs, 2 Turtle doves and one first round pick that didn’t start in a 15 run onslaught only to come in and go 1-for-1 with 2 RBIs while he was on my bench.  Thanks, Matt Kemp.  I hope Jay Gibbons is screwing Rihanna.

Rafael Furcal – Headed to the DL after not playing in over a week.  Don’t these people know us fantasy managers need to DL him?  How inconsiderate.

Mike Lowell – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer since he returned and he looks like he’s 45 years old, but, hey, that’s worked for Big Papi.

Travis Snider – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in five games.  Also, hitting .333 over the last week.  To save you the suspense, I’m going to like Snider again next year (and Lind).  BTW, you ever just want to call them Travis Lind?  Adam Snider?  Maybe it’s me.

Jose Bautista – 1-for-5 with his major league leading 35th homer.  Was nice of Aaron Hill to give Bautista his magical 2009 bat.  Be interesting to see where it’s deeded next.  I vote for John McDonald.

Marc Rzepczynski – Blue Jays announced he would be recalled to start Friday.  At least they’re giving the equipment manager time to put his last name on a jersey.

Johnny Cueto – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks as he took the Cards on in a steel cage match.  He must’ve thought he was Johnny Lawrence.

Geovany Soto – As first reported here after being read elsewhere, Soto heads to the DL with a shoulder sprain.  Cubs are playing down the seriousness of the injury, saying he should(er) be back by late-August.  And he might.  But for a guy who has had shoulder problems in the past, I wouldn’t be surprised to hear about a setback or him just not returning at full strength.

Alfredo Simon – Showalter made the long overdue announcement that Simon will share save opportunities with Mike Gonzalez.  Now we wait for the even longer overdue announcement that Gonzalez will just get all the save chances.

Felix Pie – A 3-run HR in the O’s route of the Indians.  All of a sudden Felix is making things look as easy as Pee-ay – he’s hitting near .400 in August with 2 HRs and 2 SBs.  That’s a good 2 months for Markakis.

Luke Scott – 2-for-5 with… Oh, c’mon, if I’m writing about him, you know what he did for the 4th time in the last ten games.

Matt Wieters – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Could actually see myself owning Wieters next year, assuming he doesn’t get crazy hot in the last month and a half to alert everyone he’s not complete toast.  I apologize to Wieters’ owners for wishing him ill, though I’m probably just reverse jinxing myself anyway, so actually you’re welcome.

Jason Heyward – Day-to-day with a sore knee.  His knee obviously doesn’t own him in fantasy.

Chipper Jones – Likely headed to the DL as Glass Chipper goes for an MRI on his sprained knee.  His knee probably does own him.

Stephen Strasburg – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Nats would’ve been better with Miss Iowa pitching.

Mike Pelfrey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Outdueling Ubaldo is a nice feather in his cap, but I don’t think he’s macaroni.

David Murphy – 2-for-3 with his 3rd homer in the last 6 games as he also ordered the slam & legs.  I don’t wanna beat Secretariat, but Murphy’s hot.

Vladimir Guerrero – 0-for-5 and is the opposite of hot.

Ian Kinsler – Probably won’t return until September.  On the bright side, when you took him in the 2nd round, you could’ve took Sizemore.

Scott Baker – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  It’s bad when that’s a solid game for Baker.

Justin Morneau – Could someone check on him?  Thanks!

Jeff Kartsens – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Has pretty average stuff and a terrible K-rate.  In another life, he could’ve been a hodgepadre.

Jose Tabata – 2-for-4 with his 12th steal in his 52nd game.  He’s also hitting  near .400 in August.

Troy Glaus – 2-for-4 with his first homer in almost two months.  Nice to see him reclaim his body from Zombie Glaus.

Chris Johnson – 3-for-4 and has the best average since the All-Star break.  Cust kayin’.

Matt Lindstrom – Blew the save and has now given up 7 runs in his last three appearances.  Meanwhile back at the Razzball ranch, I’m sporting Brandon Lyon on three different teams.

Sam Demel – Recorded the save because Heilman has pitched a lot recently.  Or maybe Gibson realized Heilman’s terrible.  No, I think it’s the first reason.  I wouldn’t go out and add Demel unless I were really desperate.  Heilman’s still the closer.

Alex Gordon – 0-for-3 and didn’t do much to report, but here’s a solid rant on the Royals from frequent commenter, Terrance Mann, “Yuniesky Betancourt had a baby this weekend and missed the Seattle series.  Gregor Blanco is currently missing time because his wife is expecting any minute.  Hochevar and Gordon are both expecting.  Billy Butler…well, his wife just always looks pregnant.  All these babies make complete sense.  The Royals are all screwing their wives in October and November because they sure as hell aren’t anywhere near a baseball diamond.”

Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks and has a 2.81 ERA on the year with 17 decisions.  Unfortunately, he pitches for the M’s and 9 of those decisions are losses.  He has 12 straight quality starts, dating back to June 13th, and only five wins in that time.  He only has three non-quality starts all year.  He just better not blame Figgy or he will kick his ass.

Ryan Ludwick – 2-for-3 with 2 homers.  If you need pop, I wouldn’t be afraid of the new Petco slugger.

Domonic Brown – It took 35 ABs but he got his first career HR.  J-Roll planned on hitting him in the face with a whipped cream pie but couldn’t reach.

Ross Gload – Charlie Manuel is following the Jim Leyland school of lineups and hitting the fill-in 1B in the 3-spot because that’s about where Ryan Howard hits.  Gload made Charlie Manuel look smart today with 2 HR and 4 RBI.  Asked about it after the game, Charlie Manuel said, “If you’re charged with making scrapple, you’ve got to throw your scraps in a pan with potatoes and hope for the best.”

Tim Lincecum – 4 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks with a 3.41 ERA on the year.  Maybe he’d pitch better if he’d stop worrying so much about selling Wendy’s Apple Pecan Chicken Salad.

What I never understood about the trading deadline is why wait until the last second to make a trade?  Did the Padres really wake up on July 31st and think they suddenly needed a bat?  Wasn’t this apparent on April 2nd?  I understand you don’t trade for pieces if you’re out of it, but the Padres, for instance, haven’t been out of it all season, unless they assumed they weren’t contending when the season started.  Maybe they wouldn’t have got Ryan Ludwick, because the Cards may not have been selling him in April, but they needed someone.  Then there’s the other deals that remind me of my friend who buys things just because they are on sale.  “Do you really need a 120 count box of chicken bouillon?”  “No, but Shop-Rite was selling Chicken Bazillions for only $2.99.”  So, in that vein, do you really need Matt Capps when Jon Rauch is serviceable?  No, but we’ve been dying to shed these upside prospects and the price was right.  Deep thoughts by Grey Albright, I suppose.  Anyway, here’s what I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Lance Berkman – Traded to the Yankees.  This is one of those moves that’s actually better for fantasy.  In real baseball, adding Berkman to the Yankees lineup is like adding pecan sandies to a tray of chocolate chip cookies.  Hey, if you like a pecan sandie, then go for it.  I think you were fine with the chocolate chips.  Let’s face it, leaving Houston helps anyone’s value.  Berkman goes from between Keppinger and The Glue They Once Called El Caballo to hitting in an All-Star lineup.  Hey, Runs and RBIs, nice to see you again.  As I mentioned in the comments when the trade went down, A-Rod’s sitting at 16 homers, so don’t expect The Stadium They Built Next To The Stadium That Ruth Built to suddenly add 20 homers to Berkman.  He’s still old and struggling.  Value goes up, but only so much.

Ryan Ludwick – I always want to write Lyan Rudwick.  Not sure why.  Anyhoo, Ludwick goes to the Padres.  This move is almost lateral for Ludwick.  Maybe a slight nudgwick up on value.  He wasn’t playing every day in St. Louie, but he wasn’t hitting in Petco either.  That’s six of one, half dozen warning track fly outs.  Ludwick seemed like he ran his course in La Russa Land, so the fact the Padres appreciate him might boost his confidence.  It’s the Sally Field syndrome.  Ludwick, “They like me!  They really like me!”

Joel Hanrahan – Remind me not to pay attention to Buster Olney anymore.  First he tells me Cliff Lee is traded to the Yankees then he says Hanrahan will be the closer only to watch Dotel get traded and Meek to enter the closer picture.  Olney, you’re on notice.  If you have room, you need to own both Meek and Hanrahananananan.  The good news is they’re both solid.  I do think Hanrahanananan is the first one to get saves.  Meanwhile, Dotel’s a don’t own.

Aaron Heilman – With Qualls going off to the Rays, this should clear up who’s closing in Arizona.  Now Heilman is not good, but they really can’t keep going to Gutierrez.  With the season he’s had, Gutierrez shouldn’t even be pitching in the major leagues anymore.  And if you were holding out hope Qualls would turn his season around, you can now safely take him off life support, Kevorkian.  (Speaking of which, I watched the HBO movie with Pacino and Sarandon this weekend.  Wow, Al and Susan got long in the tooth.  This was like when you go back to your old high school to see your former teachers and they’re all so much older than you remember them and it’s very depressing. Then, just when you didn’t think it could get any worse, you run into the hot English teacher you used to have a crush on and she has short gray hair and she’s wearing slacks from Ross, Dress For Less and she coyly mentions how she just got divorced and you think you might actually have a chance now and that makes you want to vomit on the Philly fan who vomited on another Philly fan.)

Ryan Howard – Left the game after jamming his ankle.  I’m holding a candlelight vigil that he avoids DL.  As of right now, the x-rays were negative, which is positive.  Hopefully he just misses a few days.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – I’d give a dollar to hear a Masshole pronounce Salty’s full name.  Saltymochachino could be a sneaky dynasty pickup for those in deep leagues.  For now, he’s bench depth for the Sawx.

Randy Wolf – Hit with a line drive on his wrist.  He immediately left the game pist.

Ted Lilly – He’s been solid in away games this year, but terrible at Dodger Stadium over the last three years.  That was facing the Dodgers and not the Padres, Giants and Diamondbacks.  As long as the Lilly handles SoCal better than Snookie handles SoCo, this looks like a positive all around for him.  Don’t think he gets much better than a mid-3 ERA going forward, but he’s a solid number three fantasy starter.

Ryan Theriot – Speed guys’ values don’t really change with a new environment.  Terry-O do what he do, which is fine at MI.

Alex Gordon – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer in three games and a 7 game hitting streak.  It’s now or never time for Gordon and it looks like he’s going the now route.  Grab him immediately.

Rick Ankiel – Since Bobby Cox doesn’t have much time left, it makes sense the Braves are looking towards the immediate future.  And by immediate future, I mean August.  Ankiel will split time in the outfield, which will hurt his value, but he wasn’t helping his value much anyway.

Martin Prado – Fractured his pinky and will probably be DL’d on Monday.  Alfonseca would’ve just grown a new digit.  If you need short term help, Infante should see the majority of the playing time.

Blake DeWitt – 3-for-4, 1 RBI.  His Mom was hot, but he’s an end of the lineup hitter with little power or speed.

Aramis Ramirez – Just when you thought he turned the corner, he goes and turns another corner to end up back where he started with thumb problems.

Cristian Guzman – I’m embarrassed to say this, but in leagues where I need runs and average, I actually grabbed Guzman.  In one league, I’ll be blahtooning him with Desmond.  In another, him and fahgettaBartlett.  When you punt MI, these are the choices you need to make.  Guzman should have value until Kinsler returns, which may not be until the end of August.  Yes, Kinsler’s out for a while and didn’t do shizz when he was playing.

Edinson Volquez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The one earned run and win hide the 5 walks in five innings, which isn’t a great sign moving forward.  He’s just as risky today as he was on Saturday.

Stephen Strasburg – ESPN reported Strasburg threw with no pain.  They’ll be reporting later when Strasburg ‘goes to drop a deuce.’

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks.  I feel like his season has gone relatively unnoticed.  He has 150 Ks in 136 IP.  That’s the 3rd best K-rate in the major leagues.  His xFIP is 2.92, which is the best in the majors, just above Halladay and Johnson.

Daniel Hudson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  The Haren move was questionable for the Diamondbacks, but they redeemed themselves with this get.  I love Hudson in NL-Only leagues and keepers.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see January Grey write a sleeper post about Hudson for 2011.  Gets the Padres next and has mixed league matchup appeal.

Adam LaRoche – 3-for-6, 6 RBIs with two homers.  His cuckoo clock must’ve alerted him it’s August.

Dexter Fowler – Robbing what would of been Alfonso Soriano’s 2nd homer of the day, Fowler knocked hard against the wall.  As he was carted off the field, I began to look for replacements for him.  My guess is a 15-day DL stint.

Matt Lindstrom – As if there’s not enough closer news already, Brandon Lyon picked up the save yesterday because Lindstrom has a sore back.  You know I grabbed Lyon in a few leagues.

Jeremy Hellickson – First let’s see what Stephen had to say when he went over him, “Hellickson has a lively low 90′s MPH fastball that tops out at 95, a curve that is thrown between 77 and 79 mph, and a solid changeup…. Overall, he has been able to keep a good K-rate, above-average control, and is keeping the ball in the park fairly well.   A middle of the rotation pitcher is a definite reality.”  That was prior to his 2010 minor league season, but not much has changed.  In 117 2/3 IP of Triple-A this year, he has 123 Ks, only 35 walks and a 2.45 ERA.  He’s getting the well-deserved start today vs. the Twins.  That’s the good news.  And there’s a lot of it.  I’ll be tuning in to watch him pitch.  The bad news is he doesn’t have a spot in the rotation.  After the start, he may be sent back down until September.

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  After the game, Ozzie said, “Don’t even get me started on Caucasians.”

Edwin Jackson – Shame on you, White Sox.

Jorge Cantu – I already went over the Cantu trade, but since then it was revealed that Cantu would platoon with rookie, Mitch Moreland.  The Rangers need a rookie lefty in the lineup at all times?  Very confusing move.  Feel like it’s taking righty/lefty splits too far.  Either way, this hurts Cantu value, which was margin already.

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks.  If you started him vs. the Yankees, you deserved this start.  But you probably didn’t so now you hate him even more than when you were starting him and he was putting up a near-5 ERA.  He’s totally messing with you.  Hey, don’t shoot the messenger.

Jeanmar Gomez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He had a 5.70 ERA in the minors.  That’s a red flag with a skull and crossbones on it.

Chris Perez – Will now take over full-time closing duties for the Indians.  He’ll be a Brain Freeze in this afternoon’s Closer Look, but he could perform like a Donkeycorn the rest of the way.  Oh, and for people who understood that last sentence, thanks for reading.  Pour some out for the people who read Donkeycorn and were like, “What the eff is this guy talking about?  I’m going back to ESPN.”

Jake Westbrook – Scary thing is this, Westbrook, Kearns and Wood is what the Indians had to trade.  Even Houston had Oswalt and Berkman.  Maybe Duncan can do the voodoo that he do, but I wouldn’t grab Westbrook outside of NL-Only leagues until I saw him go.

Kerry Wood – For the first time ever, Yanks and Wood in the same sentence isn’t going to be a pleasant experience for male Yankee fans.