Fantasy Baseball Advice

B.J. Upton went o-for-3 or one-for-four if you count him hitting the outfield wall.  You say unfeeling, I say how dare he start in front of Desmond Jennings.  I sat down to watch this game wearing my dress made of doilies with Desmond Jennings’s face on each doilie, i.e., my Desmond tutu, only to find him benched.  How dare you, sir.  In fact, I’m bringing out the douchey one word per sentence thing.  How. Dare. You. Sir.  Upton’s day-to-day with a shoulder strain.  He’ll probably miss a few days, unless he thinks he’s going to play instead of Jennings.  Then I might have to Gillooly someone.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jeff Niemann – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He was so close to putting together another solid game.  Too bad I don’t have him on my fantasy horseshoe team.

Evan Longoria – 2-for-4 with his 21st homer.  I don’t own him anywhere so my motives are a bit tainted, but I hope he finishes up the year with a sub-.240 average.  If he somehow falls into the 3rd round next year, color me excited.

Jimmy Rollins – To the DL with a Grade 2 strain of the groin.  That’s crazy advanced.  I never strained my groin until, like, the 8th grade.

Cliff Lee – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Mets.  It was so easy that he walked 3 batters just to see what it feels like.

John Mayberry – Another day, another HR.  That’s 11 HRs in 189 ABs this  year.  Raul Ibanez has 5 more HRs in 240 more ABs.  Cust kayin’, Charlie.

Hunter Pence – 2 for 3, 4 runs, 2 RBIs as he clearly is taking to the city of Tastykakes and Cheese Steaks.  It’s got to make Ruben Amaro feel better that his fleecing of Ed Wade isn’t limited to just pitchers (Oswalt, Lidge).

Jose Constanza – Left yesterday’s game with an ankle sprain.  Fredi is probably finding out if Constanza can play on crutches instead of playing Heyward.  Hey, Constanza, the ocean called, it’s running out of non-phenoms.

Tommy Hanson – Said his shoulder feels fine.  You know what I don’t like?  When a pitcher feels the need to say his shoulder feels fine.  Can all pitchers agree to go mum on the whole shoulder business?  Mum is the word, is the word, is the word…

Jonny Venters – Got the save yesterday because Kimbrel had been used a lot recently and Venters had been used a lot recently but Venters’s life coach is Scott Proctor.

Nate Eovaldi – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Reminds me a bit of John Ely when he first was called up.  Hey, whatever happened to John Ely?

James Loney – 7 for his last 8.  Yawn.  Wake me when he gets his homers into the double digits.

Travis Hafner – To the DL with a strained right foot.  He stepped on his old football helmet that was being used as a beer cooler during a recent BBQ.

Ross Detwiler – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Has put together four straight decent starts.  Yes, ‘decent’ is less than a quality start.  I wouldn’t grab him in any league.  Yes, I’m only talking about him because yesterday was a short schedule day.

Adrian Beltre – Ran at 75% yesterday.  I walk at 35% with a cane and a limp while wearing a chinchilla fur coat.

Justin Morneau – Out with a sore foot, but the good news is, depending on whether you own him or not, his x-rays were negative.  The bad news, again dependent on ownership, he’s going for an MRI on Tuesday if his foot isn’t feeling better.  Now try and figure out what you’re hoping for.

Chris Narveson – After throwing 5 1/3 shutout innings, he left his start with a cracked fingernail.  That once knocked my mom out of action for an entire afternoon.  Couldn’t make me lunch or anything.  Godspeed, Narveson.  Maybe you can get an endorsement with Lee Press-On.

Zack Greinke – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Greinkes!  Just when you think it’s safe to start him everywhere every time out, he gets dunderblown by the Pirates.

Alex Avila – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in the last four games.  He’s also hitting .429 in August.  I wouldn’t defrost Ted Williams’s head just yet, but he is having a solid year.

Mike Napoli – 1-for-4 with his 21st homer.  He’s also batting .293 on the year.  Aren’t you glad you got him off your team back in April?  What a relief!

Ben Revere – 1-for-5 but probably made the best play of the year.  Too bad my fantasy league doesn’t have a Web Gems category.

J.D. Martinez – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and 5 for his last nine with a homer.  Must… resist… urge… to… pick… up… Astros… hitters.

Brian Bogusevic – Hit his 4th homer yesterday.  Before you think about picking him up, remember he’s a herbathrowdite.

Ryan Ludwick – 1-for-4 with a homer.  The Pirates trade deadline deal is paying immediate dividends!

Jose Tabata – 5-for-9 in the doubleheader, has now hit in every game since his return with two homers.  He’s at 31% owned in ESPN leagues.  Even assuming 50% of ESPN leagues are abandoned, that figure seems low.

Andrew McCutchen – Sat out the nightcap and Daniel McCutchen got the win.  Wait a second, I saw that episode of Family Ties when Alex had two dates to the prom.  Did Daniel McCutchen enter the game wearing a different color tie?

Starlin Castro – Received a mental day off yesterday.  The Cubs gave Carlos Zambrano 4 mental days off out of 5 and look how well that turned out.

It’s trade deadline time, a full baseball weekend, and Grey is at a crawfish festival asking ladies whether he has any chum in his moustache.  Anyway, the Indians spoiled the Yanks and Sawx plans by nabbing Ubaldo for a bunch of prospects including their top two pitching prospects (Drew Pomeranz and Alex White).  Moving to the AL Central is definitely better for Ubaldo’s stock than the AL East and you’d think moving a mile closer to sea level for home games would help in the long run.  I expect a good finish this year for him as ALers adjust to his stuff.

As for Pence, what a shocker that Philadelphia and Houston made a trade!  Ruben Amaro Jr. is like the jerk in a fantasy baseball keeper league who keeps tapping the same goober (Ed Wade) for advantageous trades.  The Phillies got Brad Lidge and Roy Oswalt the past two years and the Astros have Brett Wallace, JA Happ, and (had) Michael Bourn to show for it.  Time will tell whether the prospects in this trade are worth it but the change in scenery should definitely help Pence.  He hit 5th on Sunday which should give him some solid RBI opportunities behind Utley and Howard.  Plus, he can look forward to many Pence-sylvania puns!

In other news…

Erik Bedard - The Red Sox nixed a trade with Oakland for Rich Harden because of injury concerns and then ok’d a trade to Seattle for Erik Bedard.  When pressed on why they signed off on Bedard but not Harden, Red Sox doctors pointed out that Bedard’s right arm looked a lot healthier than Harden’s.  We’re disappointed they didn’t pull off both trades.  They could put Erich Bedarden as the probable starter and then start the healthy one.  Suffice it to say, going from Seattle to Boston should only help Bedard’s Wins, hurt his ERA/WHIP, and maim non-New Englanders’ eardrums during unsuccessful home starts (You sahck cahk Bedahd!).

Michael  Bourn - Traded to Atlanta for Jordan Schafer and the Atlanta B-prospect orchestra.  This was all news to him when he woke up today in the wrong part of Atlanta, not knowing how he got there.  Luckily he outran all his attackers until he was able to surmise his past role as a SAGNOF operative.

Rafael Furcal - Traded to the Cardinals.  McCourt offered to send a $10,000 check as well if the Cards could just wire him $5,000.  No real change in value for Furcal.  He’s barely startable when healthy and barely healthy when he starts.

Dee Gordon - With Furcal traded, the Dee Gordon era has arrived in LA.  Dodger fans, SAGNOF fans, and What’s Happening fans, rejoice!

Doug Fister - The Mariners traded Fister to a team (Tigers) where he might have a chance at the occasional win.  Fister has 3 wins and 12 losses (only 2nd in the AL to Jeremy Guthrie’s 13 losses) despite a 3.33 / 1.17 ERA/WHIP.  Fister’s lack of K’s (5.5 Ks) makes him only spot start worthy in shallow mixed leagues.  I just wish Seattle would’ve added catcher Adam Moore to the deal to preserve possibly the best pitcher-catcher battery of all-time (Fister-Moore).

Chris Davis - He’ll finally get his 3rd chance to prove he’s a major league hitter after getting traded with Tommy Hunter to Baltimore for Koji Uehara.  If he’s your best option at cornerman, my condolences.   I can see Chris Davis and Mark Reynolds becoming great friends, swapping tips on how to walk back to the dugout after striking out.

Brandon Allen - Man, just when Arizona started playing him, they trade him to the A’s for Brad Ziegler.  Allen is getting sent to AAA for now but I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets called up soon.

Paul Goldschmidt - With Allen out of town, the Diamondbacks plan to call him up to take over at 1B.  He’s shown great power and I’d give him a flier as a corner power option.  I predict he’ll surpass Jason Schmidt (7) and end up with the 2nd most career HRs for someone with Schmidt in their last name.

Mike Adams – Traded to the Rangers for two pitching prospects where he apologized to all owners who held onto him in mixed leagues hoping he’d inherit the Padres closer job when Heath Bell was traded.  He’s still worth owning as a middle reliever – especially as a handcuff if you own Feliz.

Ryan Ludwick - Traded to the Pirates.  His value moves from yaaawwwn to yawn.  Once Tabata comes back, this is going to mean a big drop in playing time for Garrett Jones.

Derrek Lee – Also traded to the Pirates.  He’s been hitting of late and is serviceable when on a hitting streak.   In related news, if your beer league softball team needs a 1B, Lyle Overbay is available.

Orlando Cabrera - Traded to the Giants as Sabean is looking for the right mix of Tejada’s over-the-hillness and Brandon Crawford’s weak bat.

Lance Berkman – Returned after a few days off to hit a 3-run HR on Sunday.  That’s 28 HRs in 308 ABs.  See Colby, that’s what happens when you listen to the Cardinals coaches.  Although, it should be said, that McGwire’s success with Berkman is largely because Lance pictures a Big Mac in place of McGwire’s face when getting batting tips.  If only the Astros had hired Mayor McCheese as batting coach…

Justin Verlander – Took a no-hitter into the 8th inning for the 3rd time this year, outdueling AL Cy Young front-runner Jered Weaver in a 3-2 win.  He’s now 15-5 with a 2.24 ERA, 0.87 WHIP, and 178 Ks in 181 IP.  Almost every award prediction I made this preseason looks awful except Verlander for Cy Young.  If only I drafted him on one of our teams.

Jered Weaver – Lost the duel against Verlander to ‘fall’ to 14-5 with a 1.88 ERA and 0.94 WHIP.  Worse yet, he got ejected for throwing one high and tight on pitch after Carlos Guillen took a few minutes to admire his HR.  While I can see why Weaver was mad, he needs to realize that might’ve been one of the only notable accomplishments for Guillen in like 4 years.  Let the man have his moment.

Domonic Brown – Sent down to AAA as the Phillies decided John Mayberry at least lets them put out an MVP outfield (Mayberry, Victorino, Pence).

Joe Saunders - Oh the joys of pitching in the NL West.  He’s followed up a complete game victory @SD with a 7.2 IP, 2 ER win against LA.  He’s got another start coming up against the Dodgers which makes him a pretty solid streaming candidate.

Jeremy Hellickson – The H-E-double hockey st-ickson is bringing the Devil back into the Rays.  He got his 10th win of the year albeit against the Mariners and with only 2 Ks in 7 IP.  At 10-7, Hellickson and Pineda are battling for top non-Roofie this year.

Brett Wallace / Chris Johnson – The ineffective corners of Houston were sent down to AAA.  This will finally give some playing time to top prospects…..oops, those are their top prospects.  That’s the bad karma you get when you play in the park formerly known as Enron Field.  Unlike Ed Wade, at least the Enron executives got to feel like the ‘Smartest Men in the Room’ for a little while.

Jason Bourgeois – Slam and legs with an extra side of legs for the upper class Astro.  With Michael Bourn and Hunter Pence gone, Bourgeois should get plenty of time to hit at the top of the lineup and steal bases.  Given the current state of the Astros lineup (Bourgeois hit 3rd on Sunday!), he better steal during his first 3 ABs because there may not be a 4th AB.

Emilio Bonifacio - His hitting streak was snapped at 26 games but he did hit a HR on Sunday.  Mr. Dimaggio, you dodged a bullet.  Mr. Bonds, hope you’re ready for some Boneface.

Johnny Cueto – Threw a 3-hit shutout against the new look Giants offense.  Why can’t Volquez take a sip of whatever Cueto is drinking (1.72 ERA / 0.98 WHIP)?

Coco Crisp – 3 SBs to tie his career high from last year at 32 SBs.  No wonder why Ice-T loves him so much.

Juan Nicasio - 7 IP, 1 ER and 10 Ks at San Diego – his first good road start this whole year.  I’d say he’s a great bet for K’s but he has only K’d more than 6 in one other start…..@COL against the Padres (9 Ks).  The R0ckies should rest him for a few weeks and then start him every game in their next series with San Diego.  Also, not for nothing, if his parents had gringo’d his name to John, he could have had the best 80′s keyboardist name of all time (Johnny Casio).

Roger Bernadina – In the midst of an 0-for-17 slump (or 8-for-50 if you want to go back further), the Nats sent him down to AAA.  For the love of SAGNOF, WTF?!  Ankiel owners should benefit the most from this although, if anyone owns Ankiel in a shallow mixed league, they probably checked out 3 months ago.  On Sunday, the Nats decided to start Brian Bixler in CF.  This is the Brian Bixler whose awful bat (.177/.237/.227 in 203 ABs) wasn’t good enough for Pittsburgh’s SS position (when they sucked).  This was the equivalent of Bixler taking a bat and hitting Bernadina in the balls – assuming Bixler would actually make contact.

Brandon McCarthy - Two straight wins for McCarthy after dispatching the Twins yesterday with a 9 K effort.  He’s doing his part to rid the McCarthy name of its embarrassing affiliation with Communist witch-hunts, vaccination witch-hunts, and falling for redheads from the wrong side of the tracks.  If you leave Brandon, don’t leave now!

Dustin Moseley - The NL Doug Fister (3-10 despite a 3.30 ERA) went on the 15 day DL with a bad shoulder on his non-pitching arm.  That’s weak.  Jim Abbott pitched just fine with a bad arm on his non-pitching shoulder.

In just under two months at Triple-A (45 games), Brett Lawrie hit 12 homers and stole 10 bases.  To put that in context, Dave Winfield hitting against Queen Latifah in the 2003 All-Star Celebrity Softball Game never got past 2nd base, on the field.  The Blue Jays GM Alex Snuffaluffagus said, “I’m more excited about (Lawrie) today than I was in April when he was hitting .430.”  That makes two of us.  Once he’s called up, his 2nd base eligibility makes him instantly startable in just about any league.  If that doesn’t excite you, he’ll play 3rd base for Toronto.  “Wait, what about playing time?  Who’s playing 3rd base now in Toronto?”  That’s you talking to yourself while you lick your Dorito-stained fingers.  John McDonald, Jayson Nix and Edwin Encarnacion.  Don’t worry if you didn’t know that.  Sometimes John Farrell even has to call Jayne Nix, Jayson’s mom, before the game and ask to be reminded who his third baseman is.  Seems like the easy answer there is yes, Lawrie will play.  If he’s called up in the beginning of June, as I anticipate, I’d expect a 15/15 season.  That’s pretty terrific for a middle infidel in three-quarters of a season.  Now Lawrie’s on your radar, but is he on your team?  Snap!  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Brandon Belt – Just went over my Brandon Belt fantasy.  I wrote it while sitting in the Statue of Liberty’s torch thinking about our forefathers.

Anthony Rizzo – The best part about Rizzo is his power.  The worst part is he’ll be hitting in Petco.  The moderately good part is the Padres are fools if they don’t call him up and play him every day.  The moderately worst part is the Padres are fools.

Juan Miranda – Carmen’s son was hit by a pitch on Sunday and hasn’t played since.  Sounds like someone you want on your team immediately, huh?  Yeah, I seduce you with my lukewarm buys.  I know I do.  Now come here and scratch my back.  Lower.  Lower.  Wait, where were we?  Oh, yeah, Miranda.  The D-Backs released Branyan and are giving Miranda room to sink or swim.  He was swimming before he was hit by the pitch.  He should be back in the pool soon.

Ryan Ludwick – Sorry, having a hard time finding something nice to say, but he’s been hitting recently.

Josh Reddick – I just went over him this morning.  If you scroll with your right finger, your left will get jealous.

Nolan Reimold – I did used to love Reimold.  Thanks for asking, long time reader of Razzball.  Right now, I’m still smarting from how many times he’s burned me, but I’m willing to apply an ointment and try him one more time.

Mike Morse – Some of these waiver wire pick ups are, to misquote Wilco, “It’s a war on bore, it’s a war on bore, it’s a war on bore…”  I mean, Ludwick?  Really?  But not Morse.  He actually has the potential to break out and be a contributor for the rest of the season.  I’d grab him across all leagues.

Mike Moustakas – Big voice, “I’ll tell you what, those Royals are gonna be incredible!”  Small voice, “In, like, two years if everything breaks the right way.”

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – He’s due back in a week or two.  When he first signed in the states, here’s what I said, “(He) hit .346 last year and the first player in the Pacific League to get 200 hits since Ichiro.  He also hit 11 homers and stole 22 bases.  Before last year though, he hit .260 with 14 homers and 26 steals.  You’d take that at middle infield and like it.  Only problem is sometimes things get lost in translation.  Kaz Matsui hit .332 with 36 homers and 33 steals when he was a 26-year-old in Japan.  We all know how well he turned out in the States.  So will Nishioka be great in his first year or will he look like he’s fresh off the bloat?”  And that’s me quoting me!  Assuming his speed isn’t hurt by the injury, I’d stash him now.

Eric Young Jr. – The Rockies designated Jose Lopez for assignment.  That assignment was to stop sucking.  Good luck!  The Rockies matched that ‘making sense’ move with another I’m fond of.  The recall of Eric Young Jr.  I tried to grab him in every league, but 9 out of ten fantasy baseball ‘perts beat me to it and I only got him in one league.  I suggest you grab him everywhere, because at MI it’s kinda nice to have a guy that can steal 35 bases in three-quarters of the season.

Rubby de la Rosa – Could see some Dodger saves, and he sounds like a Venezuelan masseuse.  I say buy and you say how much!  Or you just say “No, I’m not in an NL-Only league or that desperate for saves.”

Jon Rauch/Octavio Dotel – SAGNOF!

Grant Balfour – Not only was he just terrific on Melrose Place, but he’s getting saves in Oakland.  It’s called SAGNOF and it sounds just as it’s spelled.

Jonathan Lucroy – He used to play for the Ragin Cajuns and he’s striking out at a high rate.  I will call him, The K’ing of Mardi Gras.   Also, he’s getting lucky with balls in play and he doesn’t have big power, but he is currently hitting, so there’s that.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Has 4 homers in his last 6 starts.  Unfortunately, that’s over 11 days because Tito’s playing Jason Varitek like he’s on a farewell tour.  I’d call the tour, This Is Shit.

SELL

Asdrubal Cabrera – Said a’la Duffman, “Not.  The.  Drubal.”  Said a’la Cher from Clueless, “As…DRUBAL!”  I have much love for Asdrubal.  He’s so money that money borrows money from him.  But, I mean, c’mon.  He has 10 homers already and he’s the fifth best hitter for all of fantasy, according to ESPN’s Player Rater.  There’s no way he comes anywhere near this pace.  If he only got to 17 homers on the year, it wouldn’t surprise me.  I’m not saying sell him for a pair of Champion shorts that lost their drawstring, but I’d explore options.  His value will never be higher.

Josh Tomlin – Aw, man, no offense to the Indians, but Tomlin has a 4.53 K/9 and is leaving men on at a 85% rate.  Those numbers don’t jive with his ERA.

Kyle Lohse – Looking at his photo, don’t you picture a minituare Fred Astaire standing on his lips, leaning against his upside down, umbrella-shaped facial hair like in Singin’ In The Rain?  Okay, maybe it’s a mirage.  Kinda like his insanely low ERA.

Andres Torres went 2-for-4 with the delicious slam & legs.  My man has slams and legses for days!  This is his 2nd homer and 2nd steal since he’s returned from his appendectomy.  Somehow he’s a Latin 32, but he played this season like an Asian 52, which isn’t an official Razzball glossary term, but comes from my belief that all Asians look much younger until they hit 53-years-old then they look much older than they are.  For instance, you see an Asian man who’s 52-years-old and you’re like, “Wow, you look like you’re about 32-years-old.”  Then you see an Asian man who is 53-years-old and you’re like, “Wow, you look like you’re 97-years old.”  Pat Morita is a great example of this phenomenon.  At the age of 43, he played Arnold on Happy Days and looked young for his age.  At the age of 54, he played Mr. Miyagi and looked ancient.  I’d grab Torres for the final weekend if you’re desperate, but the Giants may rest him once they clinch.  In 2011, I think Torres might suddenly look 97-years-old.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-3 with his 13th homer.  Look at Kung F.U. Panda showing a little taste of his extinct power right after everyone in their right mind has already dropped him.

Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks as he officially crossed the innings threshold making it not completely safe to draft him next year.  The division, the ballpark, the stuff… It’ll be hard to avoid him, but January Grey might have to look into it further (if I bail J.G. out of jail).

Buster Posey – 2-for-4 with his 17th homer as he hits .313.  You’ll excuse me if I don’t pop a blood vessel next year when it comes to getting in early on Posey.

Mark Reynolds – I forget if I read this or heard it (I think it’s the latter, if it matters), but Reynolds is about to accomplish the impossible.  Something that has never been done before in a full season of at-bats.  He’s going to finish with a higher number of Ks than batting average.  Right now, he sits at 208 Ks and a .198 average.  Aren’t you glad I told you to buy into Mini Donkey in 2009 and to avoid him in 2010?

Felix Hernandez – F-her F’d me.  He’s shut down for the year.  Look elsewhere, I’m crying.  Seriously, stop looking at me.  He was my ace!

Carlos Gonzalez – Mr. Slam & Legs sat yesterday and is sitting on Sunday.  Tracy said now that the Chokies are eliminated there’s no reason to play CarGo.  What’s this the last few days of Senior year and he’s already going to his safety school?  Play the games!

Ryan Ludwick – 0-for-4, batting .218 with 5 homers on the Padres in 198 ABs.  Somebody send those stats to Werth before he thinks about signing with the Padres in the offseason.

Jon Garland – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Here’s a great illustration of hodgepadres.  Garland has a 4.34 career ERA in over 2000 innings, so it’s not like it’s fluky.  His home ERA this year is 3.00 in 108 IP.

Drew Stubbs – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 22nd homer.  Power, speed and Ks… I’m getting on board for next year.  That’s the Stubbbub.

Brett Myers – 5 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  Was obviously spooked when the President of NOW threw out the first pitch.

Jon Lester – 4 IP, 8 ER, 14 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The last start of the year should be like a nice cognac.  Not malt liquor sifted through cigarette butts.

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks and ends the year with an ERA of 3.23, which is below Jon Lester.  Literally.

Cliff Pennington – 1-for-3 with his 6th homer.  I picked him up for yesterday’s game.  Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good.

Pedro Alvarez – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 4th homer in the last 10 games.  I told you to pick him up 9 games ago.  The preceding was a gentle reminder for you to blame yourself.

Chris Narveson – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Has had a great 2nd half and gets Ks, so you’d think I’d be all over him like something on something for next year.  The issue, loyal Razzball reader, Narveson was good last 2nd half too and that didn’t mean anything in the beginning of this year.

Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3 with his 12th steal.  Guy had a good year, so I don’t want unjolly his socks too much, but how does Pujols have more steals than him?  Pujols runs like the nerdy kid in your 6th grade gym class.  He’s all arms and hips!

Chris Carpenter – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks as Carpenter nailed the door shut.  *knock,knock*  Um, I think you locked me in here.

Cliff Lee – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks.  The Adverb ended the year with 185 Ks to 18 BBs.  Brilliant Lee.

Peter Bourjos – 3-for-4 with his 5th homer.  Also, he has 10 steals.  He looks like a young Drew Stubbs.  I might avoid him for 2011 and come back at him in 2012.  Will need to think on that though(t).

Mike Aviles – 1-for-4 with another steal.  Honestly, I have no idea what’s gotten into him.  In 244 career games, he has 21 steals.  In the last 6 games, he has 5 steals and he tried to steal in the 6th game but was caught.  Did Boras call him up and say I can get you money if you steal bases?  Did Aviles and Butler make a bet and Aviles doesn’t want to lose because then he has to buy dinner?

Jose Bautista – Hit his 53rd and 54th homers.  Imagine the publicity Bautista would’ve got this year if McGwire, Sosa and Bonds didn’t “save” our game.

Travis Snider – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs and guess what he did for the third game in a row.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  *scratches head, picks something off big toe, burps*  He homered!  C’mon, that was an easy one.

Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  If you missed out on the dozen other corner infidels I’ve been touting for the last few days, give Edwin a go.

Justin Smoak – Speaking of touted corner infidels, Smoak stayed hot yesterday going 2-for-2 and is now hitting over .400 in the last week.

Mike Stanton – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 22nd homer in his 97th game.  I hate The Beatles, but when I read Stanton’s line tonight I started humming, “I love you…  Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!” BTW, Paul McCartney has a lady face.

Leo Nunez – Recorded his 30th save and should get another opportunity this weekend assuming there is one (an opportunity, not a weekend).  The Marlins said they’re trying to rebuild Nunez’ confidence.  Here’s a secret, if someone knows people are attempting to rebuild their confidence, it makes it so much harder.  Maybe it’s confirmation bias, maybe it’s some other made-up, Psych 101 word.  Okay, I’m letting class out a little early today.  Don’t forget to read Chapter 3, “Your Green Pants Don’t Make You Irish, Drinking Does.”

Matt Kemp doesn’t seem like he cares.  Well, about anything outside of protecting Rihanna’s honor and piercings.  I don’t blame him.  The GM questions his defense.  The manager plays Jay Gibbons over him.  Andre Ethier gets all the cool pink shirts.  Manny was recently overheard saying, “What does a man have to do to get a cool pink shirt up in this mug?!”  I contemplated not going with Kemp for this lead because it’s past a lot of people’s trade deadlines.  If it’s past your deadline, skip down to the Buy section, there will be plenty of schmohawks to grab off waivers.  If it’s not past your deadline, there’s few top players whose value is lower than Matt Kemp right now.  Kemp’s owners right now are having flashbacks to last season when he was batting behind the pitcher.  Torre’s a Sciosciapath with Kemp, his owners know it.  So, step one for value is achieved, Kemp’s price tag is cheaper than his value.  Could Kemp continue to suck on the suckhole for the rest of the year?  I suppose, loyal Razzball reader.  But he’s also capable of a 7+ homer, 5+ steal month and there’s not a lot of guys that can say that, especially at his current price.  Anyway, here’s more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Hisabobby Takafelicianell – No relation to Zoey Deschanel, if anyone was wondering.  This shituation would be clearer if we only had some idea who setup K-Rod in the Family Lunge.  Did Parnell help setup the in-law with a stomach punch or nipple twist?  Did Feliciano come in with a left hook?  Did R.A. Dickey give him a knuckle sandwich?  Hard to know.  I think Hisanori or Feliciano are the best bets going forward.

Aaron Heilman – I wouldn’t even mention him if he were owned in more than 18% of ESPN leagues.  You want saves, you grab Heilman.  That is all.

Michael Wuertz – Another guy I’d own before the Hisabobby mess.

Octavio Dotel – SAGNOF!

Brandon Lyon – The five earned runs the other day still stings in my nether regions.  Or maybe that’s an STD.  Anyhoo!  Lindstrom’s either falling apart or injured.  Grab Lyon for the vultures.

Jeremy Hellickson – I haven’t talked about Hellickson nearly enough.  Not!  Should you pick him up?  Yacht!

Mike Minor – The Minor problem (hehe) is his time in the rotation may be limited.  No problems with his stuff though.

Brandon Morrow – How is he owned in less than 50% of Yahoo and ESPN leagues?  He leads the majors in K-rate.  Get it together, people.

Ryan Raburn – Only a Buy because he has 2nd base eligibility and he’s capable of 15 homers… Sure, that’s in over 400 at-bats.  But that’s .04 homers per at-bat!

Omar Infante – I feel silly constantly recommending a guy I don’t even particularly like myself.  Shoot, only two guys are excited about Infante.  Charlie Manuel and Smash Mouth.  Omar, you’re an All-Star, go to third base, get paid.

Jed Lowrie – Has very little speed and power… He’s kinda like Omar Infante without the hype.  You might be thinking to yourself, “Omar Infante doesn’t have any hype.”  Exactly!  Lowrie is hitting .444 for the last week and has been known to get hot for a month at a time in the later months of the year.  Or for one month, once in his career (August 2008).

Jerry Hairston Jr. – Hitting near .500 over the last week with 3 homers.  It just doesn’t get better than that!  Well, it might, but he’s currently hot.

Mike Lowell – If I saw a contending team pick up Lowell, I’d send them a message, “Hey, you could still win this thing, why are you giving up?”  They’ll respond with a variation of, “Why do you say I’m giving up?”  Me, “Because you picked up Mike Lowell.”  Then within a few days, they’ll drop him.  Even if he’s hitting well.  Lowell’s just one of those players that you pick up and feel like you’re just not trying hard enough.

Carlos Delgado – Once Delgado is called up, the Red Sox are going to have the best 2003 platoon ever.

Pat Burrell – Same category as Lowell, not as good eligibility.  Hopefully the newly-acquired Jose Guillen doesn’t hurt his playing time.  re: Guillen; Good to see Brian Sabean hasn’t lost his flair for the flat-footed vet who should be a DH.  You know who Sabean should acquire to play first?  Big Papi.  Or bring Griffey back to play center.  Or at least platoon with Aaron Rowand.  It’s the mannequin defense.  Most times the defense alignment means moving guys in and out, right and left.  For the Giants outfield, they have to decide if they want to play their fielders with their gloves in the air for a fly ball or on the ground because once the ball is hit there is no time for them to move their arms.  John Dewan heard about the Guillen signing — on top of the recent Burrell signing — and held up his Fielding Bible yelling, “Blasphemer!”

Michael Brantley – Had 46 steals in Triple-A in 2009.  Had 13 steals in only 67 games this year.  If you need more, I’m not sure I can help you.

Ryan Ludwick – I could’ve put Chris Denorfia in this list too, but because of a lot of red tape and legalese I’m not allowed to put three Padre hitters in the Buy section.  (Though you could say I just did mention Denorfia.  Sneaky!)

David Murphy – I’ve been pimping this schmohawk for about a week.  Why, Grey, why so much love? Cause he’s hot, random italicized voice.  Oh, thought there might be more to it. Nope, he’s hitting over .400 in the last week with three homers.  Pretty interesting. Okay, you interject, random italicized voice.  You don’t converse.  Snippy!

SELL

Jason Bay – This obviously isn’t a Sell as much as a Drop, but my OCD doesn’t allow me to change the headings.  Think back when you first drafted Bay.  You convinced yourself that he could hit in Metco and the NL.  You were wrong.  Accept defeat and drop him.  Even if he returns, David Murphy has done more in a week than Bay did all year.

Carlos Beltran – Another one of your Mr. Bungle moves.  Really, at this time of the year, I don’t have patience for underperforming guys.  What’s Beltran suddenly going to be, his 2006 self?  Let’s live in the present.  Currently, Beltran has one homer and is batting .214.  That’s nice… Punt!

Chase Headley – Hey, I was a fan of the sleeper Headley in the preseason, but doode never woke up.  He has 4 homers and 4 steals in his last 200+ ABs.  I just popped a zit in a mirror and the puss spelled out, “Blech.”