Fantasy Baseball Advice

Now that Lance Berkman is on the DL, I’m going to read from your rankings.  Random Italicized Voice, I’m not here to talk about the past.  Is it true or is it not true that after Mr. Bungling Berkman in 2011, you said to avoid him this year?  I’m not here to talk about the– Oh, yeah, that is true.  See, I wasn’t setting you up to fail *cough* Vernon Wells is a sleeper *cough*  Thanks.  Now, instead of the past, let’s look into the future, specifically Matt Carpenter.  Right now, he’s filling in for Berkman and he’s hitting .321 with a donk and 11 ribbies — hey, give one to Eve! (The rapper.  She likes barbeque.)  In Triple-A, Carpenter hit 12 homers and .302, while his eye makes his OBP’ing gaudy by nature.  I’m not gonna say he’s the wickedest man alive because, well, interjection, he’s not.  In 500 ABs, he’d be lucky to hit 10 homers and contribute a handful of steals.  He can hit for a solid average and get on base.  In deep leagues, if you’re in a bind, man, pick up Carpenter and saw.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Adam Wainwright – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks; his ERA is now at 9.88.  Where’s everyone that was crazy excited for drafting him in the preseason?  Probably too soon to tell me in the comments what an idiot I am for ignoring him in my rankings, huh?  Also, too soon to say he’s going to win the Cy Young?  C’mon, it wasn’t too soon last month when you were saying it.  What’s the matter?  I hear the Wainwright for Cy Young in 2012 bandwagon is now giving two for one rides because of the empty seats.

Jon Jay – The Federalist sprained his shoulder when he tried to run through fence like he was a stunt double from Naked Gun.  His run-in with the fence has landed his arm in a sling.  It’s swing for the fences, Jon Jay.  Swing!  Sounds like he’s headed to the DL.

Jason Hammel – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Last year, he had a 3.23 ERA in April and a 1.80 ERA in September.  In like a lion and out like a lion.  Way to turn an idiom on its head, which I guess would be !p!ow.  The interesting thing right now is his 18 Ks in 19 IP.  I wouldn’t go to him outside of certain matchups, but he’s moving onto radars.

Adam Jones – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs, 1 run and his 5th homer.  Make it rain!

Bronson Arroyo – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Usually a 2nd half starter that I can’t find the energy to pick up, but has a 2.91 ERA so far making him someone I still can’t build enthusiasm to own.

Brandon Phillips – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer.  Old school great sign:  He looks like he’s playing hurt so it’s good he was able to still swing the bat with authority.  New school great sign:  Yesterday, was the last day of Aries, which is a ram, and Phillips homered in St. Louis where the Rams play.  Booya!

Drew Stubbs – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his first homer.  Maybe Stubbs was tending to his BBQ empire for the last two weeks, but it’s nice to have him back.

Todd Frazier – 0-for-4, as he got the start over Rolen (was just a day off, but Rolen’s a sneeze away from getting confused with Glass Chipper).  Frazier should be watched for now in NL-Only leagues, but if he can get playing time he could be a 15/15-type guy with a terrible average.

Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his first homer.  Hey, look what the cat, who is prone to drag in players who I’m beginning to think are overrated, dragged in.

Jeff Samardzija – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners (5 BBs), 3 Ks.  Last week I said of Samardzija, “With upside comes downside, i.e., sex is nice, but now she’s emotionally attached and she just called you “Poopsie” around your friends.”  And this start was the poopsie.

Emilio Bonifacio – 1-for-4 with his 8th and 9th steals.  I will now call him Emilio Estealthes.

Curtis Granderson – 5-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and 3 homers in the first four innings as he made me look like a schmohawk.  He was 5 for his last 23 before tonight and he hit the three homers against two weak righties, and wasn’t looking good against a tough lefty in the ninth (Perkins) when hit a dribbler for an infield single.  Huge night, for sure.  Can’t take anything away from that (even as I try to), but I’ll stand by my prediction that he disappoints this year.

Phil Hughes – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks and 4 unearned runs for the ticker shock.  More on Hughes in Doumit’s blurb.

Ryan Doumit – Hey, Hughes blurb readers, what’s up?  Chillin?  Doumit went 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs with his first homer.  He was pretty fooled by the pitch that he hit for a homer off Hughes.  I like Doumit to Ron Popeil, but he’s not that incredible.  I think this calls into question starting Hughes.  His home park is a launching pad and his stuff lets Doumit homer even when he’s out in front of it.

Brandon Allen – The Rays claimed Allen off of waivers to backup Carlos Pena, which makes no sense since they’re lefties.  Guess he could spell the other lefty Luke Scott occasionally at DH, or in Luke’s case gospel.

Evan Longoria – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  I’m was gonna say it’s nice he’s coming alive, but his OBP is .431 and is hitting .327.  So, uh, just hit some more homers.  Thank you.

Desmond Jennings – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and feasted on a slam & legs while us commoners hoped Denard Span would steal a base on a short schedule day.  Jennings, “Take your diseased Span away from my fantasy outfield, and next time I steal I want to take the buggy!”

Tommy Milone – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I saw nothing yesterday to make me think he can’t be a solid ratio helper.  Also, something about his name makes me wish he was from Bayonne and hung out with Joey Fatone.

Freddie Freeman - Hit two homers yesterday.  Eh, even a broken clock is right twice a day, which is still more times than Matthew Berry.

Mike Minor – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I was saying this in the comments yesterday, but I feel no love for Minor this year.  I think if more people watched him, they’d understand how filthy he is.

Ryan Howard – Earlier this week, he went to see a specialist who told him there wasn’t enough progress in his healing to be cleared for baseball activities.  Now, today, he’s going to see the same specialist to see if he’s ready to go.  Only today he’s going in a Big Momma’s House Halloween costume.

Yu Darvish – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks.  I didn’t watch this game (because the color of Yu’s hair makes me think something wrong with my TV tube and that gets annoying), but two hits in six innings is solid.  Obviously 5 walks is a bit of a concern, and 13 BBs in 17 2/3 innings is terrible.  Will someone wake me when this insanely hyped pitcher shows up?

Henderson Alvarez – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Just think, after this start he’ll have a solid FIP.

Matt Kemp – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, his 7th homer and Matt becomes the number one baby boy name in LA surpassing Edhardy.

As I alluded to in my 3rd baseman posting, first base scares me greatly this year in a deep league format.  Outside the big six – Miguel Cabrera, Albert Pujols, Joey Votto, Adrian Gonzalez, Prince Fielder, & Mark Teixiera – I see very little reliability from a position that could leave you hurting if you aren’t an owner of one of those guys.  Don’t agree with me?  Well go look at the 1st baseman that come after those 6 on Mock Draft Central to round out your top ten: Konerko, Hosmer, Morse, & Berkman.  Your 11th is Freddie Freeman; the quintessential average first baseman.  I know people want to consider Konerko safe, but he’s 36.  I prefer not to be the first person in line to find out when the wheels come off guys like him.  Then there’s Hosmer – a 22 year old who can’t take a walk.  I like his career long term, but even fangraphs is projecting him around 23/13.  Steals are nice, but I want 30 HRs from my 1st baseman and I want them now!  Round things out with Morse – a person with very little track record though I do kinda trust him – and Berkman.  Hey, if I don’t trust Konerko at 36, why would I trust a guy who had his worst major league season in 2010 and hit 24 of his 31 HRs in the first half of his rebound 2011 campaign who is also 36 and won’t have Pujols in his lineup anymore?  And was that a long sentence or was it just me?  Point being, I do not want to leave the first round without a 1B this year.  Taking Teixiera would most likely ruin my perfect draft, but I would grab him nonetheless.  However, if I could get one of those first 5 this year, I’d feel comfortable taking a risk on Paul Goldschmidt around the 12th.  There are a lot of upside plays later in the draft that I have no problem taking a gamble on, but I want at least one of my first basemen to be an offensive rock for me.

I’ll Avoid

Freddie Freeman - Well duh, ONC, you’ve already said you don’t trust him.  Actually, I didn’t say I have no faith in him, I said he was boring.  Like Gaby Sanchez boring.  But Sanchez’ ADP is 196 while Freeman’s is 120; I called and left a message with mockdraftcentral about this one and they haven’t gotten back with me yet.  Wanted to know if it’s a girls name discount or something.  I also asked them about why guys disappear from the rankings when you filter by position like why I can’t see Berkman and have to rewrite my post because of it.  Don’t they know I have a day job and need to leave for work right now?  Neverthewho!  Some people believe the end of the season was the start of a breakout.  Some people also believe that aliens built Egyptian pyramids.  You can believe whatever you wanna believe.  Just keep it off my History Channel.  I came here for facts!

Ryan Howard – Didn’t have a great season last year then fell down, went boom as the final play of the Phillies playoff run.  He hasn’t played for long but he was a late prospect; dude is 32 coming off a really bad injury.  I think there are better gambles you can make at 176 ADP.

I’ll Go For:

Adam LaRoche - Nestled in the bosom of the the 26th round is a name that many are familiar with from fantasy baseball years past.  LaRoche – which is french for ‘The Roach’, though I don’t know if that’s the bug or the thing you pass around the lava lamp while making philosophical ruminations about Scooby Doo – isn’t sexy, for sure.  He’s a been there, done that kind of guy who gives you 25 HRs and 80 to 90 RBI with a .270 average when healthy.  Considering the health risks of Kendrys Morales (18th round) and Justin Morneau (14th), you’re taking much less risk with his shoulder holding up than you are with the other two.

Chris Davis - Oh yes, I went there.  The hatred of Davis runs deep.  Going back to 2010, he was supposed to be a 30 HR hitter in the middle of a dangerous Texas lineup.  But its hard to stick in a lineup when you strike out 35% of the time.  Though he jacked 21 HRs in 2010, he had a .238 average and showed a lack of patience at the plate with a 5.7% walk rate.  Truthfully, none of these potholes in his game have necessarily changed.  What HAS changed is he’s on a team that doesn’t mind a guy that strikes out 200 times in a season.  If they’re willing to ride Mark Reynolds at 3B while he hits .221, why would they show Davis the door?  Look for 25 HRs, a crap-ton of K’s and don’t expect an average above .250; you shouldn’t be disappointed with finding that with a 297 ADP.

Situation to Monitor: Oakland

They’ve got 4 guys competing for the starter’s role in Oakland this year.  One guy has a great OBP but no power: Daric Barton.  Two of them have great power, ok OBP but a craptacular K rate: Chris Carter & Brandon Allen.  And then there’s Kila Ka’aihue. I just can’t quit this man.  Kila seems to fit everything that Moneyball is supposed to be about: I get on base via walks or I hit a HR.  Kansas City only brought him up last year because they needed someone to cover first while they groomed Hosmer’s game and his scroatee (that’s my term for goatees grown by young men who can’t really grow them.  They’re scruffy lookin.  Scruffy + Goatee = Scroatee.  Get it?  Yeah, whatever to you too!  PS, don’t go look up the Urban Dictionary on that one.  Or do if you need reverse psychology).  Back to the point: That type of confidence in a player doesn’t breed…well, confidence in a player.  This one should play out fairly quickly in spring training but my bitcoins are on the Kila monster winning the job.

Drew Storen had arm discomfort… About two weeks ago.  He hasn’t pitched in a game since March 7th and had soreness in his biceps playing catch yesterday.  Playing catch?  What, the Nats doing a video for Cat’s in the Cradle?  He should be pitching, not playing catch.  So that’s one red flag.  The bigger red flag with a skull and crossbones is obviously soreness from playing catch.  That’s awesome for a young reliever who was used a lot last year (75 1/3 IP).  Two days ago, Davey Johnson said Storen wasn’t throwing because he had strep throat.  So does he have strep arm now?  Johnson said he’s not worried about Storen.  Davey lies… Davey lies when he cries and implies Storen is still his prize…  In all but the shallowest leagues, I’d grab Tyler Clippard, who sounds like a captain in the America’s Cup.  For those in deeper leagues or feeling light on saves, I’d grab Lidge.  I think Storen will ultimately be fine, but better safe than sorry as they say in the Clichè Hall of Fame, which is located on Main Street in Capital City.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Joe Blanton – Report out of Philly is they aren’t motivated to trade Blanton.  Sounds like when your garbage piles up and you can’t motivate to throw it out.  Maybe we’ll see the Phillies on the new season of Hoarders.

Ryan Howard – Without a walking boot, he took grounders yesterday while sitting on a stool.  Maybe he’s hoping he can be the Bill Cosby of 1st baseman.  “I was taking ground balls with my manager, Man-yoo-el.  Man-yoo-el is great; he gave me chocolate cake!”

Ryan Madson – Threw twenty pitches in a simulated game, then left with pain in his elbow.  Wow, and Dusty hasn’t even managed him in a game yet.  He just points his toothpick at pitchers’ elbows and they go down.  This is starting to sound like Sean Marshall is gonna be the closer for the Reds on Opening Day.  Yes, he should be owned too.

Juan Pierre – Has been caught stealing three times in five attempts in the spring.  Is there anything sadder than a steals-only guy who can no longer steal?  That’s not rhetorical.  Really, is there?

Neftali Feliz – Rangers are reporting that Feliz threw with no issues.  To incorrectly paraphrase Modest Mouse, this is bad news for people who like bad news about starters they don’t want to own.

Carlos Marmol – Will return on Monday.  Will close until July.  Will be traded to a contender to be an eighth inning set-up man.  It’s a feeling I have.

Mark Reynolds – The O’s are talking about trading him.  Looks like the O’s management got the letter in the bottle that was dropped in the Atlantic about thirteen years ago that read, “Go young, you have no chance of competing right now.”

Adam Dunn – Sticking with the newly established donkey theme, Dunn hit two homers yesterday.  In 1970, Boog Powell hit 35 homers and won the MVP at the age of 28.  The next year, he struggled to hit 22, then 21, 11 and 12 before having one final (Berkman-type resurgence) with 27 homers in 1975, then he was out of baseball at the age of 35.  Frank Howard hit 44 homers at 33, then 26 homers the next year and pretty much out of baseball at 35.  Greg Luzinski hit 35 homers at the age of 27.  At 28, he hit 18.  Then nothing for 4 years (had a Berkman resurgence year), then out of baseball at 33.  Mo Vaughn went from MVP contender to retired.  The history of the big-bellied isn’t great when they start to age.  Dunn is 32 years old.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he was out of baseball at the age of 35.  Can Dunn come back and hit 25 homers this year?  It’s possible.  It’s gonna come with a .240 or lower average.  We’re not going to see 40 homers from The Big Donkey again.

Desmond Jennings – Could be out until next week, but he should have plenty of time to be ready for Opening Day.  Or as they call it in the Albright household, O’Jennings Day.

Dustin Pedroia – Left the game after being hit on the forearm.  He didn’t want to leave, but Bobby Valentine insisted.  Then Pedroia nipped at his ankles and Bobby put a cone on his head.  Pedroia should be back in a few days.

Kendrys Morales – In his first action with the Angels since his limp-off home run, he got two hits.  Small victories are good.  They’re especially good for Morales who celebrates big victories like an idiot.

Tyler Greene – The Cards look like they’re going to start Greene at 2nd base and in the leadoff slot (with Furcal somewhere at the bottom of the order).  Greene feels like a guy that someone in an NL-Only league will either get lucky drafting or will want to drop by week two.

Tyler Colvin – Hitting near .400 in spring training.  That means nothing, as does Colvin in most leagues.  However, I wouldn’t be shocked if we get into the first week of the season and Blake is benched (or injured), Cuddyer goes to 3rd and Colvin is playing the outfield and becomes one of the hottest adds.  It’s a thought to stash next to your rolling papers.

Scott Baker – Yesterday, he threw in a minor league game.  So he pitched Twins batting practice?

Justin Morneau – 3-for-33 this spring.  Feels like old times!

Lorenzo Cain – Now has four homers and is batting .486 in the spring.  Cain…Sugar!’s not yet on any of my teams, but I think I might need to reach for him in one league.  Bourgeois, you’ve been Marx’d down!

Billy Butler – Hit his third homer of the spring as he has an insane 1.258 OPS over 39 at-bats.  They don’t call him Mr. Grapefruit for nothing.

Pedro Alvarez – Ah, my old heartthrob, is playing like there’s a reason why he’s not my new heartthrob.  It looks likely M.C. Gehee will be playing 3rd base.  The Pirates get the gas face.

Erik Bedard – Named Pirates Opening Day starter.  The Pirates then added, “If he’s healthy.”

David Wright – Took BP and said, “I feel about as good as I’d feel, I guess, picking up a bat for the first time in a few weeks.  Hopefully it gets better from here result-wise.  But just being out there and being able to go through a full day and a full round of batting practice and not feeling anything, that’s pretty good.”  I’ll read between the lines for you.  ”I was swinging at about 50% against a soft-tossing BP pitcher and I still didn’t really get good swings on the ball.  It was sure nice to see the fellas after going through three weeks of testing done by a Met doctor who had a degree from a med school in Guam.  I wonder if there’s bears in Guam and if they call them Guamy Bears.”

Jon Niese – Got an offseason nose job because Beltran used to make fun of him.  It’s not the first time that a Mets outfielder led to drugs being applied to a Mets pitcher’s nose.

Fausto Carmona – Or as his birth certificate says, Roberto Hernandez Heredia, is scheduled to throw 80 pitches at the Indians’ academy in the Dominican Republic.  Afterwards at the academy, Carmona will take classes like “Ethics In Nomenclature and Age” and “Nutrition:  It’s a Real Word.”

The Mets doctors said Johan Santana would miss a start or two.  That was a year ago.  He’s still working his way back.  The Mets doctors said Jose Reyes would miss a weekend series in 2009, he missed three months.  The Mets doctors said Carlos Beltran would miss a game in 2009; it took him two years to come back.  The other day someone asked me for money for Doctors Without Borders so they could help people in The Congo.  Why isn’t there a lady in front of Whole Foods asking me to donate to find a cure for David Wright?  Because I sure don’t trust the Mets doctors.  Film a PSA with Chipper Jones and Julie Andrews and show that shizz before movies.  “I’m Julie Andrews.”  “And I’m Chipper Jones”  Both, “And David Wright needs our help.”  The Mets are saying Wright has a tear in his left side and Mets fans have a tear in their eyes.  Word on the street is Wright has a similar injury to Ryan Zimmerman’s last year when he missed two months.  The prognosis, if prognosis is the right word, is not good.  Wright is saying he can be ready by Opening Day.  I say great, terrific, other sarcastic word, I don’t want to draft him anywhere.  If Della Reese touches his bat while dressed as an angel and Wright gets 500 ABs this year, how good do you think those 500 ABs are gonna be?  Do you think he’s going to show power?  If 22 homers were the low end for his projections, I’d be surprised if he breaks 17 homers now.  What if when he slides, he feels pain in his side?  He’s not going to be stealing bases.  You see Wright there in the 5th round now, I say pass.  Yes, third base just got shallower.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Salvador Perez – Tweaked his knee badly and the Royals sent him for an MRI.  I liked Perez late in drafts, so I went looking around for updates on this injury and ended up at the Kansas City Star.  Their article started with this line, “The Royals awaited word Tuesday night on the status of their $7 million catcher.”  It was funny — and by funny I mean not funny at all — to me how that was the attention grabber in KC.  KC is fretting over seven million dollars that is over five years.  Yeah, parity is alive and well.   Well, whatever the case is, it’s bad news for Perez.  He has a meniscus tear and will need surgery.  As of this writing, there was no timetable for his return, but I’m guessing six to eight weeks.  I’d avoid him in all leagues.  Too bad, so sad.

Desmond Jennings – Collided with B.J. Upton and both needed to be carted off the field.  This is the worst B.J. related news since that girl with the braces… Well, you remember.  Jennings says he’s fine and should be back on the field in a day or two.

B.J. Upton – On the other side of that collision, Fellatio Upton took the worse of it.  Yet, he too says he’ll be fine after a couple of days.  He’s just dealing with general soreness.  General Soreness is his bodyguard.

Freddy Garcia – Hit with a comebacker.  He told A-Rod he slept with his ex, and A-Rod said, “Yeah, well, that ex was really a man!”  *checking notes*  Hmm, seems like he was hit with a different kind of comebacker, one off a bat.  The X-rays came back negative, which is actually bad news because it means he can keep pitching.

Tim Hudson – Cleared to throw a bullpen session, but will still be out until at least the first few weeks of the season.  Bring on Randall Delgado!

Bryce Harper – Told reporters that he doesn’t expect to make the club.  Then the next day, Nats GM Rizzo (not Anthony) told reporters Harper could still have a shot.  We have a Razzball exclusive as to what really went down.  Harper to reporters, “I’m not making the club.”  Rizzo to Harper, “We’re trying to sell frickin’ tickets to frickin’ fans to see frickin’ Nats games and you’re telling them you’re not playing?!  Shut your pie hole!”  Rizzo to reporters, “He’s still in the picture. We’re still early in the decision-making process.”  Riiiiiiight.  That’s seven I’s.

John Lannan – Mike Rizzo said he’s fielded several calls on Lannan, but are not shopping him.  He must’ve learned how to neg from The Game.

Chris Perez – Threw from 150 feet yesterday.  Looks like the Indians found a Grady Sizemore replacement.  It’s sounding more and more likely that Perez will be ready to go for Opening Day.

Lance Lynn – With Carpenter almost definitely maybe heading to the DL to start the season, Lynn looks to move his way into the rotation.  Out of the bullpen last year, Lynn’s fastball regularly touched the high-90′s as he put up a 2.22 ERA and 32 Ks in 24 1/3 IP.  As a starter, he was much less exciting (5.23 ERA, 8 Ks), but like a man who needs prunes that was in limited duty (10 1/3 IP).  From his minor league track record, we see a guy who has a 7+ K-rate and moderate control.  In NL-Only and very deep mixed leagues, I’d grab Lynn late to see if he can surprise in an early season role with the Cards.  There’s a chance for some sweet, sweet upside here.

Tyler Greene – Battling right now for the Cardinals’ 2nd base job with Daniel Descalso and Skip Schumaker.  Obviously, unless you’re in a deep NL-Only league, you stopped reading this blurb already.  Nothing gets people excited like the mention of Skip Schumaker!  Greene did well in Triple-A last year (14 homers, 19 steals in 66 games), but that’s probably because he was 27 years old, i.e., he was old to still be in the minors.  In 150 major league games, he’s hit .218 with 5 homers and 16 steals.  Best case scenario, we get a Baha Man year.  Most realistic scenario, there’s a three-way time share at 2nd.

Josh Hamilton – Jammed his heel.  For those that like things delivered in comic book form, Texas hero deals with wounded heel.  Rangers are saying this is the first of five dozen minor injuries Hamilton will endure this year, but he should be fine.

Aroldis Chapman – Pitched well yesterday in his bid to become a starter.  There’s only one catch, the Reds have five starters already.  They would need an injury to someone on their staff.  Popping his head in, Dusty says, “Did someone say we need a pitching injury?”  Okay, but if you’re drafting today, you’re drafting Chapman as a middle reliever.

Anibal Sanchez – Maybe you’ve heard me mention this brother with the name of a mother before.  Yeah, I love him and guess what?  He struck out 4 yesterday through two innings with no problems from his previously sore shoulder.  When I say boo, you say ya.  Boo…Ya…  (By the way, I think the Marlins might be watching a bit too much of The Voice.)

Juan Carlos Oviedo – Will report to camp this week.  No word yet when Leo Nunez is reporting.

Ryan Howard – Yesterday, Jimmy Rollins said he’d be surprised if Howard plays this year.  In related news, the team announced Rollins is out of the running for Director of Phillies Public Relations.

Brett Jackson – As expected, the Cubs announced that Jackson will start the year in the minors.  There’s no way Byrd, Soriano and DeJesus are all still starting in the outfield by July.  Worth noting in keeper and deep NL-Only leagues.  Earlier in the offseason, I went over my Brett Jackson fantasy.  I wrote it while watching Luck with the closed captioning on, so I could read what the hell Nick Nolte was saying.

Garrett Jones – Looks like he will be the starting 1st baseman for the Pirates vs. righties.  As I mentioned in the 1st basemen to target post, in deep, daily leagues, you can get some value there.  Or not.  For instance, “Hey, horse, here’s water.”  Horse, “Neigh.”

Jacob Turner – Going through a dead arm period.  The doctors weren’t sure what the problem was at first, then Haley Joel Osment said he saw Turner’s arm.

When Ike Davis told reporters,”Gag me with a spoon,” red flags were raised.  Why was he talking like he grew up in Reseda?  It wasn’t the dreaded Valley Fever, was it?  Like, oh my god, it might be.  Valley Fever, from what I gathered from Google, WebMD and other non-reliable sources, could knock Davis out a week, two weeks, a month, a year or for his career.  Yes, there’s a lot of space between best and worst case scenario.  Maybe you remember Conor Jackson got Valley Fever and pulled a Kotchman for a year.  The kicker for me is the Mets trainers scare the shizz out of me.  They once diagnosed Casey Stengel with the flu and he had been dead for seven years.  Right now, the Mets are saying it shouldn’t be more than a week for Ike.  I’m not moving him down my rankings yet, but if you’re drafting right now, I’d be very cautious.  Anyway, here’s some more news going on in spring training for fantasy baseball:

Corey Hart – Had knee swelling and went for an MRI.  When the trainer told Ron Roenicke Hart’s issue, he said, “Corey swelling,” and Ron said, “Donna Martin graduates.”  The MRI said (figuratively) Hart needs arthroscopic surgery and will miss the start of the season.  I’d be surprised if we see him at full speed before the third week of April.  Figure, four weeks to recoup and at least one week to go on assignment.  It’s a pretty big blow for Corey Hart and everyone that likes to wear sunglasses at night.

Rickie Weeks – From the Files of “Of Course Rickie Weeks Is Injured” comes a predictable update.  He’s injured.  Maybe if they rename his dossier the files of “Maybe Rickie Weeks Is Healthy,” he might have a fighting chance.

Jesus Montero – Took a foul ball off his mask, inspiring him to turn water into the whine, “Shouldn’t I just be hitting?”  The good news is he was catching.  Hopefully, this is a sign that Montero won’t have to wait long to get catcher eligibility.  I’m guessing with days off and days he just DHs, he’ll need about two to three weeks for 10 games played behind the plate.  The other good news, his punim is fine. 

A.J. Burnett – Broke his orbital bone during a bunting drill.  This is the worst bunting injury since a Set PA over-decorated the seaboard of The Love Boat and bunting fell on Gavin MacLeod during a dress rehearsal and nearly caused a work stoppage.  “We only have Annette Funicello until Friday; get MacLeod back on the set!”  That’s a studio exec in the 70′s.  A.J. is out until at least May.  Probably the nicest thing he’s done to fantasy owners in the past few years, so now no one in their right mind will draft him hoping for a bounce back.

Grady Sizemore – I swear Grady Sizemore’s body is older than Whitman B. Mayo, who played Grady on Sanford and Son, and that actor passed away over ten years ago.  Sizemore’s now out for 12 weeks after undergoing micro-discectomy surgery, which is a surgery performed by a miniaturized Dennis Quaid.

Vladimir Guerrero – It’s being reported that the Marlins are not pursuing Vlad.  Probably for the best.  With his knees, that chase would’ve been a bore.  Instead, the Marlins are pursuing Aaron Rowand.  That could be fun with Rowand’s tendency to run into walls.

Anibal Sanchez – Felt some soreness in his shoulder.  In related news, Grey is holding his breath.

Joel Zumaya – After he has Tommy John surgery performed by Dr. Freeze, he will attempt another comeback.  I’m guessing he’s gonna try to throw with his left arm.

Miguel Cabrera – Booted the first ball he saw at third base.  Frequent commenter, Steve, suggested he try using this glove.  Would allow him to rest between pitches too.

Alex Rios – I think most spring training numbers are meaningless, but one thing to keep an eye on is where people are batting.  Right now, Robin Ventura likes Rios in the three hole.  Giddy up!

Ryan Howard – Had a setback with his surgically-repaired Achilles because of an infection.  Maybe he shouldn’t have tried picking at his wound, yelling “Scabs here” like he was Pauly D.  The Phils are saying this will delay his original May timetable.  I’m beginning to think we should assume we’ll see Howard around the All-Star Break and anything else we get is gravy.  Billy Butler, “Did someone say gravy?”

David Wright – Sitting out the first few games of the spring with ribcage discomfort.  I’m not concerned yet.  Guess what the key word is in that sentence.  Hint:  Starts with a Y ends in a T and it’s got an E in it.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – Red Sox are saying he could be back by June.  Red Sox fans are saying, “Is this really who we’re waiting on?  Trade for someone!”

Carl Crawford – Dealing with inflammation of his left wrist.  You know what’s good for that?  Swinging a bat, if you live in opposite world.

Stephen Drew – Will probably miss the start of the regular season.  I’m thinking J.D. and Stephen’s father was Mr. Glass from Unbreakable.

Alfonso Soriano – Said he’s open to batting leadoff.  That’s akin to me telling Jessica Alba I’d be open to having sex with her.

Freddie Freeman – Partially dislocated his kneecap.  Says it should be, um, re-located shortly.  I say look under your thigh.  It’s probably right there.

Giancarlo Stanton – Mike Stanton changed his name to Giancarlo.  Just when you thought Stanton couldn’t get any sexier, he goes and changes his name to The Sexiest Name Alive, according to People Magazine.  If Molière were alive today and not writing a hacky sitcom for The CW, he’d write a play about Giancarlo, the seducer of fantasy baseballers everywhere.