Fantasy Baseball Advice

First the Brewers fire their manager in September, then they pitch CC on three days rest for about a month after letting him throw 150 pitches per start for two months and now they rush back their prized pitcher, Yovani Gallardo. The Brewers are officially trying to choke worse than the Mets, while the Mets are showing they weren’t one-flop wonders last year. Too bad the Astros and the Diamondbacks just flat out sucked for three months or they’d be battling for the Wild Card. Gallardo will probably only get to the fourth or fifth inning so he might not have much value. Then again, the Brewers may let him throw 100+ pitches until he turns the ball over to Sabathia for the final three innings. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mark DeRosa - HR yesterday and then a leg injury forced him out of the game. Ah, the agony and the ecstasy… What? I was being poetic.

Hank Blalock - HR yesterday for the 4th game in a row. I told you to pick up Blalock two days before he hit his first. But whatever, you like to be difficult. It’s your thing.

Michael Young - 4-for-4, I think he still has, like, a fractured finger or something. If not scoring the winning run would help the Rangers go into extra innings and allow Young a chance for 200 hits, he would not score that run.

Carlos Zambrano - Since his no-hitter, he’s been a crap satay.

Willy Taveras - Done for the season with a stress fracture. Back date this to August. Dude stole 68 bases this year and collected only 64 runs. According to Elias Sports Bureau, this is the first time in a long time, maybe even forever, that someone stole as many as 68 bases and failed to score that many runs. Okay, maybe they didn’t say that. But here are some things heard around Elias Sports Bureau’s office in the last week, “Gloria, Roy’s secretary, said ‘It’s Jayson Stark calling’ thirty-eight times this week for a new office record,” “Roy said ‘Tell Stark I’m in a meeting’ a record thirty-eight times this week,” and “For a record ten times in one day, Mike coughed “loser” when asked if he was going to William’s birthday party.”

David DeJesus - Left yesterday’s game with a high hip flexor something or other. May not play again this year. Buh-but the Royals are fighting for 4th place!

Edinson Volquez - Likely done for the year. Finally drafting Cueto and Harang before Volquez looks like a smart move.

Andy Pettitte - Done for the year. Aceves will start on Saturday. I like that start, friend.

Ryan Franklin - Got another save. Looks like he’s the Cards closer for the final weekend. Do take note, save vultures.

Manny Delcarmen - There’s more vulture saves where that came from, carcass breath. The Sawx rested Papelbon and gave the save to Manny of Carmen.

Cameron Maybin - 3-for-3 with a steal before leaving the game with a stiff hip. Two stiff hips and he wouldn’t be able to walk out of the bar. Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Eubanks.

Rafael Furcal - Was activated from the DL, and got into the game as a pinch hitter in the 8th inning. I wouldn’t expect too much from him these final few days; Torre says he’ll play “here and there. And I love cannolis.”

Adam Wainwright - In his last start of the year, gave up two earned in six innings. Decent return from injury in the 2nd half. That real upside of his struggles this year will be the fresh arm he’ll have next year. He’ll be on 75% of my teams next year, fo sho.

Mark Reynolds - His 199th K last night to tie the major league record. Earlier in the year, Rudy and I had a friendly wager going for who would strikeout the most, Cust or Reynolds. Unless Cust Ks eight more times than Reynolds this weekend, I should have it locked up. In other words, this bet is still very much undecided.

Max Scherzer - 5 IP, 2 ER. Last start of the year and he’s had prettier ones. I will write a lot more about Jobacum this offseason.

Todd Jones - He’s thrown his last 76 MPH fastball as he announced his retirement in his The Sporting News column. Other topics he covered in his column, “Real Men Rely on Finesse,” “Pussies Throw Fast,” and “Where have you gone, Fu Manchu mustache?” Pour some prune juice out for Jones.

Chris Carpenter will undergo surgery on a compressed nerve in his shoulder. Word in The Bootheel is he’ll be fine for spring training. This will be something to watch in March and should be a decent-sized question mark during next year’s drafts. Will definitely be a high risk, high reward-type scenario. No Whammy, no Whammy, stop! Ooh… Further shoulder issues and the 60-day DL. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brandon Moss - With a divot forming on his knee, he needs surgery that will sideline him for 6-8 months. Can’t they just fill his knee in with some sod? Steven Pearce should see action in his stead. Yo, watch where you’re standing! That’s my stead!

Asdrubal Cabrera - Wasn’t supposed to start his suspension until Thursday, but he started it yesterday. Drop The Dribble while he serves his three game suspension.

Ryan Shealy - HR yesterday. The Royals as a team are hot, which is to say they are one game out of last place. Rooting for the Royals is like rooting for your widowed Granny to find a male suitor. It’s nice to see her happy, but you don’t want to see her too happy because that’s just weird.

Chad Billingsley - I love this sumbitch. As Scully may have said (I didn’t watch), Billingsley might not have had his best tonight, but the Padres haven’t had their best all season. The Dodgers are looking like they’re playoff bound. This might cost Billingsley a start on Sunday.

Cliff Pennington - Did nothing yesterday, but he has speed and the A’s have been playing him at 2nd. He’s worth a flier for steals.

Wandy Rodriguez - 5 IP, 0 ER and 7 Ks. The Magic Wandy was strait-jacketed and dunked in a tank of E-9 by Wigginton, causing him to loss because of two unearned runs.

Evan Longoria - HR yesterday. The Rays pulled the ol’ Little League switcheroo yesterday in the second game of the DH. They sat some regulars then let them all pinch hit in the 8th as the Rays rallied for 6 runs. Free soft serve for everyone!

Tim Lincecum - Gave up four earned runs in only 4 and a third innings, but no fear he still threw 102 pitches. I have to think this carves Webb’s name on the Cy Young that the Giants so desperately wanted Lincecum to win more than ever make it through another healthy season.

Kenji Johjima - This KazIwadome rewarded patient owners with a 3-for-4 night and 3 RBIs. And by ‘patient owners,’ I mean owners that haven’t checked their fantasy baseball team since March when they auto-drafted Johjima.

Javier Vazquez - 4 IP, 5 ER. Guillen pulled a Mickey and asked to see Vazquez’s conjones. Vazquez showed marbles.

Scott Baker - 7 IP, 1 ER. Watch your feet, Baker’s throwing down a gauntlet.

Ryan Franklin - Grabbed the save yesterday, while Motte closed out the 7th inning and Chris Perez nailed down the 2nd out of the 8th inning.

Augie Ojeda - Batted 2nd and played 3rd base in the Diamondbacks biggest game of the season. Yost and Melvin obviously had a gentlemen’s bet of $1 to see who could get fired the latest in the season.

Cliff Lee - 7 IP, 5 ER and 12 earned over the last 21 and 1/3 innings. Comatose Indians fan, “Cliff, save some for the playoffs!”

Edinson Volquez - 7 and 1/3 innings, 1 ER and 9 Ks, but was pulled after only 98 pitches. Maybe Dusty let Paper, Rock, Ulnar Collateral Ligament Reconstruction Surgery Scissors decide.

But the White Sox were able to go back-to-back-to-back-to-back. That’s quadrupling your pleasure. Or double-double-headed. Which makes you say whoopee for fantasy baseball, right? Seriously, you say whoopee. Yeah, you do. You and Bob Eubanks. But if someone asks you the most romantic place you’ve ever made whoopee, don’t say, “Up the butt.” Now there was something in the middle of this landmark real baseball feat that you should take notice of — Paul Konerko. Nooo! Don’t talk about Konerko again. Sorry, but he has three home runs and a plus-.300 average in August. Buh-buh-buh… Ugh! Most importantly for our purposes, Guillen can’t quit Konerko. That’s right, Konerko’s been getting starts. If you need cheap lumber, cut down your neighbor’s tree, but if you want a cheap power source, try out Konerko. He might be the double-headed pleasure seeker you need. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Troy Percival/Grant Balfour/Dan Wheeler - Percival left the ninth with a knee sprain. Balfour tried to say, “Hey, dudes, I got this one.” Only he didn’t leave to the slow clap as much as the hanging-head-of-shame. I grabbed Wheeler where I had room.

Brad Ziegler - Orel Hershiser laughs maniacally, removing the pin from his Zielger doll.

Aramis Ramirez - HR yesterday, but injured his hip later in the game. He’s day-to-day, which shouldn’t be confused with Soul II Soul.

Jerry Hairston Jr. - Supposed to return for Friday’s game. He sure has got a lot of press lately. Guys, if I may call you that even though there might be chicks here, Hairston’s not really a .343 hitter. Cust kayin’.

Rocco Baldelli - Guess why I’m writing his name. Go ahead. I’ll wait. *scratches nose, itches head, dusts off my framed picture of Michael J. Fox* Baldelli’s injured! Dur.

Jason Kendall - From The Files of the Unfair:  Because of a game started clause, Kendall will earn 4.25 million next year. WTF?!

Chris Iannetta - Yorvit Torrealba has a small tear in his knee. If there was any concern about Iannetta’s playing time, this helps.

Ryan Franklin - Got the save yesterday, but that was just so they didn’t overuse Perez. Never fear, Razzballers.

Brad Penny - Returns to the DL. Nomar, “See, this healthy thing ain’t so easy… Ow! I juth bit my lip when I said eathy. Thee!”

Todd Wellemeyer - 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER. Dave Duncan says, “I’ll see your Mazzone and I’ll do it without the rocking back and forth.”

Chris Dickerson - The first cheap steal schmohawk in yesterday’s post went 3-for-5 with two doubles and a triple. Sometimes recently called-up players excel while pitchers try and figure them out. Dickerson might be one of those, so he may have even more value now than later. There will be a Buy/Sell later today as there is every Friday afternoon, and I may just beat my Dick…er, um, what was I saying–erson later today. Tasteful!

Closers are dispensable.  Izzy?  No he isn’t?  Kobayashi.  Got the kabosh. What’s next out of the closer gullet - cherry-flavored Perezes! Chris Perez is now in the Cardinals mix, snagging the save tonight.  Ryan Franklin has been exposed, so LaRussa might as well give the kid a shot.  Maybe Wainwright takes over at some point, but wouldn’t you rather him start instead of Piniero come September? As for Cleveland, their bullpen has already gone through more Indians than small pox. Joe-Blow, Betancourt, Kobayashi…. Might as well… I don’t know….use your best reliever in Rafael Perez.  No use saving him for lefty matchups in the 8th when your closer is just going to give up the lead in the 9th. Now if only the Mets could find a Perez. Shouldn’t be too hard - there’s probably a thousand or so in the phone book. Hell, throw Rosie Perez out there.  It’s hard to swing when you’re covering your ears from her voice. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Gio Gonzalez - Doooodes, he looked good. I’m sorry. The numbers don’t tell the whole story. I watched him give up the 2-out home run to Barajas. I watched him strikeout some schmohawks. He may not be startable in all leagues, but I’m holding him in deep leagues. In keepers and AL-Only leagues, I’m really holding.

Joba Chamberlain - As expected, he’s been moved to the DL.  Brian Cashman has laid out Joba rules for the doctors - don’t test his shoulder on consecutive days, wear kids gloves at all times, and give him lollipops after his visits.

C.J. Wilson - Told you yesterday that he was headed to the Disgraceful List. Guess where he is now? Notice how I never say, I told you so. But I did tell you so. Yes, I just said I told you so. And again. Eddie Guardado will be the closer. Frank Francisco will be his setup man. I wouldn’t trust my dead grandmother’s life with Guardado. (BTW, she threw faster than Guardado. Still might.)

Bobby Crosby - HR yesterday. 2nd this week. He’s worth a looksee, even if his unhealthiness makes you want to take care of him. Don’t chew, Bobby….Momma Bird will take care of that.

Jody Gerut - Another HR yesterday. Now has 9. Or one more than Alexis Rios.

Nick Markakis - I am Sparkakis!

Mike Cameron - He’s streaky.  5 hits and 2 SBs across 2 games might be the start of something.

Shaun Marcum - 7 IP, 7 Ks, 1 ER. For those hoping this is the bounce back you’re waiting on, I say it was Oakland. I’d tread carefully.

Brandon Backe - After his 11 ER debacle last night, Backe seems to be challenging Barry Zito for the Sigh Young Award.  A 6-11 record with 5.35 ERA and 1.63 WHIP falls somewhat short of Zito’s 13 losses and 1.74 WHIP but there’s still 2 months to go….

Jeff Karstens - Nothing like a fresh start, eh?  On the Yanks, this guy is a poor man’s Darrell Rasner.  On the Pirates, he nearly throws a perfect game and is now scoreless in 15.  Rudy still stands by him for his Razzball team but might have to leave this shitpie on the window sill a bit longer for it to cool.

Elijah Dukes - Like many a Bowden Fluffer before, ‘Put Up Your’ Dukes has been put back down on the DL with a calf strain.  The lesson - don’t expect good health from a 5-tool player with a Jewish first name.  Elijah Dukes, Milton Bradley, Shawn Green….

Hey boys and girls, it’s time to look at all of the fantasy baseball closers again. Now is this every closer? Yes, I just said that. Dur. Why aren’t you listening? Or am I being obtuse? Also this is the majority of setup men. Is this all the setup men? Ugh. It’s a majority of the setup men. You’re what we Italians call a stunod. Now don’t get all heated. My grandfather called me a stunod for twenty years of my life. Now I write a blog. Hmm… I need therapy! So we’re going to break the closers up into three tiers as we always do. The first tier, they’re the girls that won’t date your stunod ass. The second tier, they’re the girls that will date your stunod ass. The third tier, they’re the girls that keep calling your house trying to talk to your wife about the affair you had with them while you were in Buffalo for the weekend. If that’s not clear, wait until your tenth year of alimony and you begin to contemplate how much you would’ve saved just by having some crackhead kill your ex. Anyway, here’s all the closers and most of their setup men for fantasy baseball purposes, of course:

NO-BRAINERS

This tier is filled with a bunch of closers that are too good to be true. They seem indispensable, but they’re not. They just have an allure over you that scares you to trade them away. Set them free and if it’s meant to be… Or some shizz. I don’t know, why don’t you read the Hallmark blog if you want girly nursery rhymes? These closers are as safe as closers get, so trade them away.

1. Joe Nathan, MIN (Matt Guerrier, Dennys Reyes, Jesse Crain)
2. Jonathan Papelbon, BOS (Hideki Okajima)
3. Francisco Rodriguez, LAA (Justin Speier, Scot Shields, Jose Arredondo)
4. Mariano Rivera, NYY (Kyle Farnsworth)
5. Brad Lidge, PHI (J.C. Romero, Ryan Madson)
6. Takashi Saito, LAD (Jonathan Broxton)
7. Joakim Soria, KAN (Ramon Ramirez)
8. Kerry Wood, CHI (Carlos Marmol)

BRAINERS

Greed, Gluttony and Envy are three of the seven deadly sins. Then throw in coveting your neighbor’s closers and masturbating three times a day and fantasy baseball is going to send you straight to hell, unless you focus your energies on these closers, the Brainers. These closers seem risky, but end up paying dividends.

9. Jon Rauch, WAS (Luis Ayala)
10. Billy Wagner, NYM (Duaner Sanchez, Aaron Heilman)
11. Francisco Cordero, CIN (Jared Burton, David Weathers)
12. Brandon Lyon, ARI (Tony Pena, Chad Qualls)
13. Brian Wilson, SAN (Tyler Walker)
14. Mike Gonzalez, ATL (Blaine Boyer, Will Ohman, Rafael Soriano)
15. Jose Valverde, HOU (Doug Brocail)
16. George Sherrill, BAL (Bunch of Schmohawks)
17. Damaso Marte, PIT (Tyler Yates)
18. Trevor Hoffman, SDG (Heath Bell)
19. Kevin Gregg, FLA (Renyel Pinto, Matt Lindstrom)
20. Todd Jones, DET (Joel Zumaya, Fernando Rodney)

BRAIN FREEZE

Saves are wonderful. I love saves! I have Fuentes, Morrow, Kobayashi, Wilson and Franklin on one team! They just combined for two-thirds of an inning and 17 earned runs. OW! Brain freeze! Use the following closers at your own risk.

21. Huston Street, OAK (Santiago Casilla, Alan Embree, Keith Foulke, Joey Devine)
22. Salomon Torres, MIL (Eric Gagne, Guillermo Mota)
23. B.J. Ryan, TOR (Scott Downs)
24. Brian Fuentes, COL (Taylor Buchholz, Manny Corpas)
25. C.J. Wilson, TEX (Eddie Guardado, Joaquin Benoit)
26. Brandon Morrow, SEA (Sean Green)
27. Ryan Franklin, STL (Jason Isringhausen, Chris Perez)
28. Masa Kobayashi, CLE (Rafael Perez, Rafael Betancourt)
29. Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, J.P. Howell, TAM (Al Reyes, Troy Percival)
30. Octavio Dotel, Scott Linebrink, Matt Thornton, CHW (Bobby Jenks)