Fantasy Baseball Advice

Heath Bell is giving out two run innings like he’s Daryl Hannah giving out crazy vibes. Yesterday, was the fourth time in 8 appearances this year he’s allowed 2 runs.  His WHIP (2.70) looks like an ERA, his ERA looks a perfect score from a corrupt figure skater judge (10.80) and the Red Sox are wondering if he can be their closer.  At some point, Bell should be replaced as closer, and, with the way he’s been pitching, that point was about three weeks ago.  Astute Razzball reader, “Is Cishek or Mujica the replacement?”  I thought you were the astute one.  Mujica looks to be the set-up man, but I think Cishek gets first crack.  It’s called a hunch, like how Guy Fieri eats a sandwich.  As of right now, I wouldn’t drop Bell, but I also wouldn’t put him in my active roster.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Juan Carlos Oviedo – MLB suspended Juan Carlos Ovideo (Leo Nunez) for eight weeks for using a fake identity.  No plan to suspend Heath Bell for impersonating Kevin Gregg.  In his time off, Leo the Lyin’ plans on snorkeling through Atlantis, talking to his giant rabbit Harvey and hunting Sasquatch.

Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Looking like a true sterling Darvish.

Evan Longoria – Left yesterday’s game with a knee injury after trying to steal 2nd.  The Rays are calling it “knee soreness.”  I’m calling it “it better be just soreness.”

Miguel Olivo – Homered, but whatever he also left yesterday’s game because his groin got injury duty, leaving the M’s summonsing Montero (who also homered)!  Olivo’s headed to the 15-day DL, so guess who will get 10 games played at catcher just a tad quicker now?  Hey, I’m smiling.  That feels weird.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-3 with his 8th homer and 4th game in a row with one.  His hot hitting has my heart stopped…. captured…. arrested… It’s a case of Edwin Incarceration.

Allen Craig – Look at Allen Craig strutting around with two first names while R. Kelly’s only got an initial.  Craig is set to return from the DL.  Probably won’t play 2nd base, but whatever, that’s real baseball talk.  He’s eligible there in most fantasy leagues.  He could get teen homers and a handful of steals with everyday playing time, which he should have.

Kyle Drabek – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, as he lowers his ERA to 2.40 while striking out nearly a batter per inning.  I’ve told just about anyone who’s asked in the comments that they should pick up Drabek, friend.

Brad Lidge – He’s gonna miss May with hernia surgery.  So he went from Vertigo to Nads on a Strain.

Tom Milone – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER in Fenway.  Eh, even in our deep leagues we benched Milone here.  Don’t hate the playa (not Spanish for beach), hate the game.

Kevin Youkilis – Was scratched with a sore back.  Weird, that usually happens to me with an itchy back.

David Ortiz – 2-for-3 with his 5th and 6th homers as he bats .405 with 20 RBIs.  Of course I should’ve just drafted Ortiz in the 2nd round instead of Giancarlo Stanton.  I will now lock myself in my cry closet.

Jason Hammel – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His ERA is now at 1.97.  Good thing Matusz was the Orioles starter to watch coming out of Spring Training.  Sideways emoticon with an elbow nudge.

Ryan Braun – 3 homers in Petco with the 2nd one being airmailed, but it still counted.

David Robertson – 1 IP, 3 Ks.  K-Rob’s ERA is 0.00 and WHIP is 0.91, having allowed 7 baserunners in 11 IP to go with his 18 Ks.  He’s owned in 12% of ESPN leagues and he’s headed for a better year than probably at least two of the starters on your fantasy team.

Patrick Corbin – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Isn’t this Patrick Corbin guy the one Carrie bides her time with while she waits for Mr. Big to come to his senses?  She looks like a horse; horses are hot; what else do you need, Mr. Big?  Any the hoo!  In mixed leagues, wake me when Trevor Bauer’s called up.  Or even Tyler Skaggs.  Or Boz Scaggs.

Justin Upton – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer and the Desmond Jennings Special, a slam & legs.  Call a fireplace cause Upton looks like he’s starting to swing some hot lumber!  Can someone give me an AM radio-style bassoon, triangle, horn?

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3 with a steal as he bats .193 and hit cleanup. Pretty appropriate since he’s been dirtying fantasy lineups all year.

Justin Morneau – Left yesterday’s game with a sore wrist.  This Justin, Morneau’s an injury waiting to happen.

Bryan LaHair – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer.  For those who are like, “LaWhere did this come from?”  He hit 38 homers last year in the PCL.  Granted the PCL fills their baseballs with helium, but he’s still got power to spare.

Tony Campana – 0-for-4 with a run and a steal.  When he’s in the dugout, the Cubs hang him from a coat hanger and his legs continue to run.

Matt Kemp – Hit his 12th homer yesterday.  The Padres collectively have 11, Cubs have 8 and Infante has 5.

Juan Nicasio – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  That looks about right for the line you can expect from Nicasio.  Maybe a touch more K and a tad less LOB.

Vance Worley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks as he was done wrong by his bullpen that gave up his win.  He’s probably suffering from Münchausen Syndrome because of the rest of the starters in the majors.

Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer.  Fine, I picked him up.  I had a gaping hole left by Zimmerman, so, with a heavy heart, I went back to the Pedro Alvarez well.  The worst thing that could’ve happened was I ended up ignoring Alvarez this year because of how burnt I got last year.  The 2nd worst thing that could happen is I get burnt again this year.  Yay.

James McDonald – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks.  There’s the old (once-hyped) McDonald.  Has now strung together back-to-back solid starts with excellent Ks.  I don’t think he’s going to be without his hiccups.

Mike Minor – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Speaking of hiccups, looking at Minor’s start would cure his owners of them.  I’m guessing with 11 baserunners, seven earned and 9 Ks through 6 and a third, he was pretty unlucky.  Too bad I don’t play in any FIPpin’ leagues that care about luck.

Delmon Young – Suspended for 7 days after an incident where he was allegedly yelling anti-Semitic remarks.  Delmon said he was just playing Words With Friends.

As a real baseball fan and fantasy baseball junkie, I like to keep a close watch on certain players (too close, according to some states’ penal codes). Some time back, while Grey and I were surreptitiously collecting Ryan Braun’s sweat during a bikram yoga session, I mentioned that I keep many of my thoughts on these players in a diary. Grey said he keeps a journal instead. We argued over whether there is a difference between the two (which apparently disrupted Chris Capuano’s fragile Tantra) and we just decided to compare them side-by-side. I lied and told Grey his was interesting (I’ve read Michener novels that droned less), but Grey was enraptured by my musings, and asked that I share them with Razzball Nation.

So here’s how this will work. I’ve got twelve players I’m currently following (I’m only physically following a few of them, the rest I’m following via the media). This week you get the first three, next week you’ll get the next three, and so on. Then each month we’ll circle back and hit the same groups of three, see what they’ve been up to. First up is Yoenis Cespedes, Bryce Harper, and Michael Bourn.

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12/07/2011 – Yoenis Cespedes has defected from Cuba and will be coming stateside to play ball this season. Not sure how to pronounce his name, but I’ve heard hispanic broadcasters say it like “Dennis,” which is the name of Castro’s brother, coincidentally. Random thought — Fidel Castro, like any world leader, has at least one or two qualities you could respect, but it’s not like you’d ever say so publicly.

03/03/2012 – “Yoenis” already had the “E,” “I,” “O,” and “sometimes Y”… now he’s got the “A;“ he signed with Oakland today for a crap ton of money. The Coliseum is not a great hitter’s park, but from what I’ve read, his plus power shouldn’t be affected too much, and his plus speed won’t be affected at all. He has a decent arm for CF and… hey, how’d this real baseball factoid get mixed in with my fantasy baseball thoughts?

03/24/2012 – Drafted today, and although I had ten auction dollars earmarked for Cespedes, I was able to get him for just $1 towards the end of the draft! That means I can keep him for $4 next year and just $8 the year after that! I’m going to call him The Phantom Yoenis because of how he manages to stay under the radar despite being so powerful.

04/8/2012 – I don’t have the MLB Tokyo package, so I didn’t get to watch Fauxpening Day. Actually, I didn’t see any of the As vs. Ms series (at home or abroad), but The Phantom Yoenis hit a HR in three of the four games! My only regret is that the nickname I gave him has only one “i” for me to dot with a heart.

04/16/2012 – I just mailed my daughter’s Hello Kitty backpack to Yoenis, along with a note telling him it’s okay to go play in Japan full time. I’d rather he was productive with someone else than have a 50% K-rate and hit .150 with me.

04/22/2012 – The package was returned and marked “¡Déjame en paz!” Whatever… since my freak out way back on the 16th, he hit another HR, stole three more bases (for a total of four), raised his season AVG to .255, and reduced his K-rate to 35%. Those things should all continue as he sees more MLB pitching. I should be safe from another freak out until at least May.

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08/26/2010 – That kid Bryce Harper signed with the Nats today, and everyone is treating it like the second coming. I guess Stephen St. Rasburg was the first coming, since Jesus Christ was a terrible fielder in college (it was like he had holes in his hands) and never made it to the bigs. Anyway, I don’t think we’ll see him until the middle of the ’12 season.

03/18/2012 – Harper was optioned to AAA Syracuse today… shocker, I’m so surprised, yawn. Even Harper knew he wasn’t going to break camp, and no one thinks more highly of Bryce Harper than Bryce Harper.

03/25/2012 – No one took Harper in my draft yesterday, so I’ll grab him off waivers and stash him as a keeper. These casual mentions about my personal fantasy league would seem odd if this diary were ever published. Random thought — I remember mentioning Jesus Christ while musing about Harper a long time ago, and now I hear that he’s a quarterback for the New York Jets. That JC, always opting to pass rather than receive.

04/17/2012 – Big Baby Jesus (I know that was Grey’s nickname for Stephen Strasburg, but it’s an infinitely better fit for Harper, and St. Rasburg has a new and improved nickname anyway… wow this is a long parenthetical) is batting .245 and hasn’t gone long yet this season. Time to push the panic button… or not. I was adjusting to my new job at NAPA Auto Parts when I was 19, maybe BBJ is adjusting to almost-pro pitching. Just a theory.

04/22/2012 – It’s not water into wine, but BBJ turned pitch into HR today. I don’t plan on writing about it every time this happens, because I have a feeling it will be quite often, starting… now.

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02/20/2012 – I’ve been working on my draft spreadsheet, and the ‘pert rankings of Michael Bourn have me somewhat befuddled. Is there going to be a shortage of SBs this year? He’s ranked 50th at Yahoo! and 35th at ESPN (not sure what his ranking is at ESPN Deportes, but I’m sure it’s equally loco grande).

02/27/2012 – Rudy’s Point Shares came out today and have Bourn ranked 72nd. I’m comfortable putting him somewhere between there and Grey’s rank of 125th, which means there isn’t a chance of me owning him. I’m comfortable with that, as well.

04/10/2012 – Five games into the season, let’s see how Bourn is doing. Hm… batting .158 with a .238 OBP and 2 runs. Yeah, but what about the steals? Oh, 1 SB and 1 caught stealing. Not quite living up to that 36.9 ADP just yet, but it’s early.

04/22/2012 – I caught Bourn reading my diary. Okay, well, I would have caught him if he wasn’t so damn fast, but he’s obviously been reading it, and he cares what I think for some reason. He’s now batting .338 on the season with a .403 OBP, 12 runs, and 7 SBs. It’s worth noting that two players have more SBs than him — Dee Gordon with 8 (ADP 124.9) and Emilio Bonifacio with 9 (ADP 164.8) — but no one has more caught stealing than him (3). Emilio is also pretty close on runs (10), AVG (.298), fills a shallower position, and could have been had a dozen rounds later.

First off, the Master Standings should be up next week, so it’s time to quit fooling around. You don’t want to be trailing a Yahoo! expert, do you? Secondly, isn’t it frustrating when your top pick struggles early?

According to the Razzball Player Rater, of the 20 players we selected at least once in round 1, only Matt Kemp (Congrats Boesch Hog, Blue Heaven, 7 Js and 2 Jeys, and AZ Kush Mafia for making Matt the first overall selection!) and Roy Halladay have put up 1st round numbers. Justin Verlander (16) and Hanley Ramirez (20) are close enough, but where’s everbody else? Miguel Cabrera (93), Adrian Gonzalez (132), Joey Votto (137), and Albert Pujols (346) are all under-performing badly. How about Ryan Braun (272) and Jose Bautista (292)? Oh, well, it’s early. Don’t panic. They’ll start hitting eventually. And, of course, there are always other players who are outperforming their draft position to keep you competitive. Like Josh Hamilton (2, ADP: 35) and Krispie Young (6, ADP: 95.)

Expert League: As was expected, some of the experts have other leagues they are more worried about, so their teams here are neglected. Worst is Team Emack (Eric Mack), whose only moves came on April 1, when Michael Pineda was placed on the DL and Chipper Jones added. 3 minutes later came his final move, replacing Chipper with Bryce Harper. Currently the team features 8 injured players, including 6 in the starting lineup. Rudy and Grey are following different strategies, as Grey leads the league with 29 moves, while Rudy is giving his drafted players a chance to prove themselves, having added just 3 players. Mastersball Carey (Ryan Carey) is setting the pace with 99 points, followed by Secret Treasure Loaf (Andy Behrens) at 79.5.

Trades: A busy week, with 18 trades consummated. That includes one in the ECFBL where the Silver Bullet Bandits and Copales Charros undid an earlier trade when one of the traded players, Brett Gardner, was injured. Copales Charros also traded Matt Holliday to Uncle Robbies Daffiness Boys for Felix Hernandez. There were some surprising trades for saves. In Ones are GOOD right, NYC Matthole traded Drew Stubbs to Unlucky Llamas for Fernando Rodney. Army of Llamas sent Matt Wieters to Bushwood Varmint Cong for Grant Balfour in the Epic Beardmen Division. Probably the biggest name traded was Roy Halladay, in RCL 22, who was sent by Manitoba Manwhores with Coco Crisp to FWG Herders for James Shields and Mariano Rivera. You can find all the trades in the fantasy baseball forums.

League Leaders

Broth’s  Baseball Stars (Fausto or Roberto?) was the top hitting team this week. They hit .360 with 17 home runs and 72 RBI, 50 runs, and 6 steals. Matt Kemp was their 5th best hitter! Ahead of him were Freddie Freeman (.478/14 RBI), Josh Hamilton (.462/11 RBI), Mike Napoli (.440/10 RBI), and Derek Jeter (.407/6 RBI).

Average: .360 (Broth’s  Baseball Stars – Fausto or Roberto?)

Runs: 58 (Army Of Llamas – Epic Beardmen Division)

HR: 20 (AZ Kush Mafia – RCL 29)

RBI: 72 (Broth’s  Baseball Stars – Fausto or Roberto?)

SB: 17 (Team Everett – Beef SAGNOF!)

CROP DUSTIN (RCL 46) had some top pitching numbers with 5 wins, 6 saves, and an ERA of 1.11 and 0.99 WHIP. Their lineup features Clayton Kershaw (9 K/0.00/0.71), Matt Cain (0.00/0.33), and Brandon Beachy (0.00/0.68).

Ks: 97 (Navin Johnson’s Puke Diamomds – Magnificent Mustachioed Men)

Wins: 11 (Navin Johnson’s Puke Diamomds – Magnificent Mustachioed Men)

Saves: 12 (Baltimore Scorioles – RCL 20)

ERA: 1.05 (Dixie Rebels    - Fantasy Master Lotharios)

WHIP: 0.69 (Poorjays – Beef SAGNOF!)

 

TEAM OF THE WEEK -  April 16 – 22
The Fredsies (ECFBL)
83/287 (.289) 45 R/18 HR/44 RBI/3 SB	72.1 IP 70K/8 W/1.62/1.09/11 S
The Fredsies strong pitching won them the weekly honors over some tough competition. They had 8 different pitchers record wins, while 6 added saves. Vance Worley tossed 7 scoreless innings with 11 Ks. Rafael Betancourt and Henry Rodriguez each contributed 3 saves. On the offensive side, Mike Napoli (.440/7 R/5 HR/10 RBI) and Matt Kemp (.381/4 Runs/3 HR/6 RBI) were once again dominant.

Can I get a “no” with eleven O’s?  I personally don’t have the heart right now to type them all.  Yesterday, Giancarlo Stanton, the pride and joy of my heart and the name scribbled all over my Trapper Keeper, said that his knee is bothering him and will continue to bother him.  He said it’s “something that’s obviously not going to get much better playing every day.”  Of course, like the fortune cookie game where you add “in bed” at the end, everything that Giancarlo says also has, “but I will do my best for my novio, Grey Albright.”  You are mi novio too, Giancarlo.  We are boy dot-dot-dot friends.  There’s a dot-dot-dot in there, but sometimes it feels like there’s not.  Court papers say that dot-dot-dot needs to be from 250 feet away.  I’m pretty bummed out, because I do think he’ll play 135-ish games, but if he’s not at 100% with his knees, it could hurt his swing and the ten or so steals he can contribute.  The best case scenario is once the weather heats up, some of the pain is alleviated and, luckily, he plays in a warm weather city.  My sad emoticons are weeping.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Scott Baker – Out for the year with a bad elbow.  It’s a painful surgery, but at least it’s roomy in the designated waiting room.

Ryan Braun – Should return on Thursday after he sat out yesterday with minor chest tightness.  He must’ve caught the 24-hour shpilkis bug.

George Kottaras – 2-for-3 with his 2nd home run of the year.  Him and Wilin should buy Ramon Hernandez and Lucroy some plane tickets to Venezuela.  The preceding was not a paid advertisement by the Venezuela Chamber of Commerce.

Justin Verlander – 8 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  One of the more dazzling 4 earned run games I’ve seen in a while.  No-hitter into the 5th and a one-hitter going through 8 innings only throwing 81 pitches.   Desmond Jennings said, “If you get the ball in between the giant white lines, you’ve accomplished something.”  He’s either talking about Verlander or hanging out with a hooker who has aspirations to be an air-traffic controller.

Victor Martinez – Tigers said there’s a chance he could return later this season.  Read:  In time for the playoffs.  I’d continue to ignore for our purposes, or porpoises if dolphins are reading.

Justin Masterson – Ticker shock!  The Indians gave up double digit runs, but Masterson’s only credited with 3 ER in 5 IP (albeit with 9 baserunners).  Unlike his sister Mary Stuart, he can’t always be some kind of wonderful.

Shelley Duncan – 3-for-5 with a home run.  No hand injuries reported yet from his high-fives.

Johnny Damon – Signed with the Indians to be a part-time utility man.  While combing his hair, Damon said he was impressed with the Indians strict no-scalping policy.

Cory Luebke – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Has had a bit of a bumpy start to his season (and a bumpy start to this game), but if you can find a restless owner, I’d definitely see if you can pry him away cheap.

Jon Lester – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks and 116 pitches.  Way to unnecessarily extend your ace in his 2nd start of the year.  On the positive side, Valentine could help with the ice wrap on his arm since he’s an expert on wraps.

Brandon Belt – Sitting for two straight days seemingly because of his 1-for-10 start.  I hope Gallagher mistakes Bochy’s head for a watermelon.

Buster Posey – Missed Wednesday’s start due to shingles, which you don’t get from raising the roof too much.

Tim Lincecum – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I know one has nothing to do with the other, but why do I suddenly want to bench Bumgarner today?

Nate Schierholtz – 2-for-4 with 2 homers. Don’t even get me started how this guy should’ve been playing every day for the last three years.  You killed his spirit, Bochy!

Sergio Santos – Got the save yesterday, but will be away from the club from Thursday until Saturday for the birth of his child.  I jumped the gun on the news for Wednesday.   You can call me Preemie Grey.

Ricky Romero – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I was pretty conflicted with whether or not I wanted Romero this year because of his 7-ish K-rate — SPOILER ALERT — Romero’s K-rate is in the box at the end of Seven — and his FIP.  I’m glad Rudy pressured me to draft him in one of our leagues.

Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He got the W with the inverted W motion.  He made it through 100 pitches for the first time in his career.  God Bless, St. Rasburg.

Drew Storen – Underwent minor elbow surgery.  That’s like saying having your tubes tied is minor.  Yeah, I suppose it is, but you want someone monkeying by your wrench?  The Nats said he should be back before the All-Star break.  They previously said he couldn’t throw because of strep throat.  Cust kayin’.  In yesterday’s game, Henry Rodriguez was warming up for a save opportunity until the Nats tacked on a run to make the point moot.  Lidge had also thrown the day before, so the alternating closerousel is still in effect.

Mike Napoli – Was out yesterday after being hit in the temple.  Sounds like a religious hate crime.

Peter Bourjos – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs with a home run.  I’ll be honest, I feel like people are preparing to lynch me for my ranking of Bourjos, so I’m glad to see him do something.  Now, if he did a little more of something, I’d be even happier.  If he did a lot of something, I’d be through the Gee Dee roof.

Josh Willingham – 1-for-4 with his third homer as he led the Twins to a 6 run outburst, which, I believe, is the most runs they’ve scored in the last two years.

Starlin Castro – Got his 5th SB and seems cemented in the 3rd spot of the Cubs lineup.  Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s a top 3 SS this year (after Tulo and Hanley).  If only he wasn’t constantly being awakened by those screaming lambs.

A.J. Pierzynski – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs with his 2nd homer of the year.  On Firezynski.  He reminded me of this classic post by Rudy.

Alejandro De Aza – Back-to-back games going 2-for-5 with a homer.  Could we have our first hot schmotato of the year?

Aroldis Chapman – 2 IP, 1 baserunner, 5 Ks as he beat Rzepczynki, who couldn’t land any of his letters on a Triple Letter score.  5 Ks in two innings with only one baserunners… Guessing his agent is gonna put out a hit on Dusty any day now.

Joe Weiland – He’s being called up to replace Dustin Moseley.  I believe Weiland is a fan of Orange Crush and every game Joe pitches there’s a threat of volcano eruption.  He looks like your standard Hodgepadre, which means he’s rosterable in all leagues when he’s pitching at home and a wait-and-see in road games.  (Of course, the same goes for Anthony Bass, but he’s less attractive then Weiland.)

Jesus Montero – 1-for-3, 1 RBI with his first start behind the plate.  Hallelujah!

Kevin Millwood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. his old club the Rangers.  You know Bartolo Colon with his sneaky 4-ish ERA in a pitchers’ park?  That’s Millwood.  I call them AL-Only guys that you don’t want to own, but someone’s got to.  I never said it was pithy.

Jon Jay – 1-for-3 with a homer from the two hole.  If he stays in the two hole and hits, The Federalist could have some nice value.

Jonathan Broxton – Blew yesterday’s game in spectacularly awful fashion.  With the bases loaded, he had two straight HBPs.  Last time he had two straight of those was when the local Waffle House offered Ham and Bacon Pancakes.  I’m sure no one who called me crackers for leading with Broxton in last week’s Sell is gonna say they think Broxton is flipping awesome now.  But, Grey, can’t Broxton be good?  Sure, Random Italicized Voice, but he’s also been hot garbage for the last two years.

Josh Johnson – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 1 K.  His brother, Gosh, just shook his head and recounted the Halloween video he did with a tube of K-Y and a gourd that ended equally bad.

Joe Nathan – 1 IP, 3 ER with his first blown save.  I think he’s got about five more where that came from and a trip to the Disgraceful List in his future.

Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs.  Nursing a hip flexor injury.  Is it Tulo injury time already?  We couldn’t even get to the All-Star break?

Jason Heyward – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs.  Looky, looky, the mirror fogged up that they held up to his nose.

Randall Delgado – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Astros.  I know the Astros only have one slugger and he’s currently their closer, but this was a solid start from Delgado.  He definitely has upside, just gotta watch for the roofie.

James Shields – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the 1927 Tigers as he turned their sizzle to lean, which is no easy task.

Stephen Vogt – 0-for-4 as he DH’d, which is whatever (outside of two catcher, AL-Only leagues), but it makes me think of how much playing time Brandon Belt would get on the Rays.  This is why certain teams win, they play their next generation of players.  They don’t let them sit of the effin’ bench for Aubrey effin’ Huff.  Can someone start a website, Eff Aubrey Huff dot com?  I’m so annoyed; I need to take my “medicine.”

Fernando Rodney – In yesterday’s podcast, I said four different relievers would see a save in the month of April for the Rays.  Then Rodney went and got his 3rd save.  Maybe it has something to do with the rule of threes, but yesterday’s save (getting called on to start the inning and pitching perfectly) has me thinking Rodney might get the majority of the saves until he totally Mr. Bungles things.

Jeremy Hellickson – Was hit in the head by a ball during batting practice.  As frequent commenter, Wake Up, said, “So much for being lucky with balls in play.” Initial signs are that he’s okay for his next start, but they took him to the hospital just nicasio.

There’s a theorem that says if you gave a monkey a typewriter and an infinite amount of time, it could produce a Shakespearean sonnet.  My question is, what if every monkey with a typewriter writes something more ingenious than anything Shakespeare ever came up with, but since we don’t have monkey brains (entirely), we don’t understand it?  Deep Thoughts with Grey Albright.  As for the theorem, how much monkeying around does it take in Boston to get one Bard?  The Red Sox got the infinity part of the theorem right (Aceves’s ERA and WHIP), and they got what you usually get from a monkey and a typewriter… Crap thrown against a wall.  Mark Melancon’s ERA is 36.00 and WHIP is 5.00, which looks downright beautiful compared to Alfredo Aceves’s ERA and WHIP which are just letters — INF, and if you owned Aceves for fantasy you know the INF stands for I am Now F***ed.  To be, or not to be:  the real question is who will close for the Red Sox?  Bobby Valentine hinted they might go to Daniel Bard.  Valentine doth protest too much, methinks!  Of course, Bard should be the closer.  You mean the one pitcher with the stuff to close that is now in the rotation that doesn’t have starter stuff?  Over the last three years, Bard has the third most Holds, 213 Ks and 1.06 WHIP in 197 innings.  But no Holds, Bard, now.  Thine own self be true, and thine self is a closer.  Give him saves.  In the meanwhile, trattorias in Boston’s North End are adding Fedupfitzy Alfredo to their specials.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Clay Buchholz – 4 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  This Tigers/Red Sox series lived up its billing, and that billing was, “Both teams have one ace, then agita.”

Austin Jackson – 4-for-6, 3 runs yesterday and 8-for-14 in the series.  In related news, Vanity sang her big hit, Nasty Girl, at karaoke.

Max Scherzer – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  If Max Scherzer sounds like a character that Michael Chabon created, then yesterday the Nazis won.

Doug Fister – Off to the DL with a costochondral strain.  That’s what you get when you eat too many $1.50 hot dogs at Costco.

Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and a homer.  On Saturday, 2 homers and 3 RBIs.  Now hitting .455, which coincidentally is his BAC.

Matt Cain – 6 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  The Giants three-headed ace (Lincainbum?, Caincecumgarner?) didn’t fare so well in Arizona as the Giants’ petition to play their next series in Arizona in the Grand Canyon.

Brandon Belt – 1-for-10 this weekend with 5 Ks, as he was out-hit by his bench replacement Brett Pill (1-for-1 with a homer).  I’m not making excuses, but I think for Passover Brandon Belt was replaced by his Jewish doppelganger.

Buster Posey – 2-for-4 with a homer and no broken ankles.

Aaron Hill – Homered twice on Saturday.  Love to see him combine his crazy homer year of 2009 and crazy steal year of 2011.  Imagine 36 homers and 21 steals from Aaron Hill.  Will take a whole lotta tryin’ to just get up that Hill.

Bryan Shaw – Got the save yesterday since Putz recorded saves in the first two games of the season.  Nothing to see here, the Diamondbacks just aren’t jerking around with their Putz.

Jay Bruce – Hit his 2nd and 3rd homers yesterday.  I’m Eskimo-kissing Jay Bruce on all of my fantasy teams.

Zack Cozart – 1-for-3 yesterday and hit a homer on Saturday as he bats .545.  You don’t want to know what I’m doing to Cozart on all my fantasy teams.

Heath Bell – 1/3 IP, 2 ER as he joined every reliever in major league baseball and blew the save.  Why do I feel like 2012 is the year we all do Chinese fire drills on closers?

Chris Perez – Got the save yesterday after I got to the red light, ran around the car, grabbed Pestano and got back in the car.  I’m sure we’ll hit another red light by Wednesday.

Carlos Santana – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs with 2 homers.  I don’t own Carlos Santana anywhere, but as long as he’s not doing duets with Rob Thomas I’m happy.

Corey Hart – 3 HRs over the weekend.  Shame on those of you who didn’t get the memo that he does really well overcoming spring training injuries in even years.

Ryan Braun – Homered on Sunday.  The homer is under review because it was postmarked on Friday.

Fernando Rodney – 2 outs, 2 saves over the weekend.  First Farnsworth, now Rodney.  Joe Maddon is like the Crappy Reliever Whisperer.

B.J. Upton – Expected to return April 20th.  Just think, if the Rays were married to this then they’d have to a wait a lot longer for a B.J.

Carlos Pena – Hit his second homer of the weekend yesterday.  He’s the kind of player that hits 7 homers in 10 games, then 20 Ks in 5 games, so get in while the gettin’ in is good.

Jeremy Hellickson – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Pitched a superb game for the “Grey Says He Hates These Guys, Let’s Make Grey Look Wrong” team.

Mike Minor – 5 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Here’s me yesterday, “Hey, Minor’s through 3 innings with 5 Ks and only one run.  Finally, one of my pitchers is performing.  It’s about time.  I won’t look back at this game, so I don’t jinx it.”  That No-Look/No-Jinx worked out perfectly!  I will now stick my head in the oven.

Lucas Duda – Hit 2 homers on Saturday.  Oh, what a Duda day.

Jason Hammel – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks as he switched bodies with Gio Gonzalez, Madison Bumgarner, Matt Cain and Yovani Gallardo.  Not cool, Jason Hammel, not cool at all.

Vance Worley – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks making his mom, Jo Anne, so proud and me, since he was, like, the only pitcher that I liked that did well this first weekend.  On a serious note, don’t throw out the baby with the fantasy team.  There’s only three games played for most teams.  You want your pitchers to come out and pitch well, but Bumgarner, for instance, had an ERA over 6 last April.  Gallardo’s ERA was also over 6 last April.  You can’t win your league in April, but you can lose it by overreacting.  Chillax is the portmanteau of the day.

Juan Nicasio – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Pitched a terrific game until Rex Brothers blew it for him.  Last time, I buy furniture from him.

Wilin Rosario – Homered in his first start of the year.  Can we get someone to Gillooly Ramon Hernandez?

Bud Norris – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Triceps issue behind him, and now unto bigger and better injuries like shoulders and obliques!

Eric Hosmer – Homered in back-to-back games this weekend and had the always-delicious slam & legs on Easter Sunday.  Guessing Moustakas is waiting until next Sunday to do the same.

Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3 with a homer.  Way to show up to the party 12 months late.

Lance Lynn – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Looking for someone that can come out of nowhere and be valuable?  Here ya go.

Jeff Samardzija – 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Someone already grabbed Lance Lynn, but you’d prefer a guy with a last name you can’t pronounce?  You’re in luck!

Matt Kemp – ESPN reported, Kemp homered on Sunday to extend his hitting streak to 16 games.  Huh?  Did the Dodgers and Padres play back-to-back-to-back quintupletheaders?

Dustin Moseley – To the DL with a strained right shoulder.  What an odd thing to find in your colander.

Chase Headley – 1-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer in Petco and equaling his Petco homer output from last year.  Chase “Doing Just Enough To Stay Rostered on Your Fantasy Teams” Headley.

Hector Santiago – With heat from the fantasy baseball community and Nolan Ryan, Robin Ventura finally relented and decided on Hector Santiago to close, saying Thornton will maintain his 8th inning role.  Not sure why it took so long for Ventura to say that.  It’s like the White Sox manager hat is The Mask.