Fantasy Baseball Advice

Surprise, surprise, Canada’s number one export after Stubby Clapp is hurt, eh?  Erik Bedard takes his inflammed shoulder to the DL.  The Mariners say he’ll be fine to return on June 23rd.  If you were to read between the lines, here’s what you would see, “Please, someone trade us something for this pitcher that cost us Adam Jones, Sherrill and Chris Tillman.  Please!”  Man, Bill Bavasi really shit the Mariners house.  On top of the three guys mentioned, he traded away Shin-Soo Choo, Asdrubal, Carlos Guillen, Rafael Soriano, Matt Thornton and Randy Winn.  The top player he received back was Joe Borchard, who’s currently playing for the Fresno Grizzlies, the Giants minor league affiliate.  Forbes Magazine rated him the worst general manager in all of baseball in 2007.  No idea why Forbes is rating GMs, but that sounds pretty right on.  I’d expect Bedard to come back about two weeks after he’s supposed to then to hiccup and end up back on the DL.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Pedro Martinez – Close to signing with either the Rays or the Cubs.  Pedro on the Rays seems most likely.  I wonder if Fred McGriff and Wade Boggs took him out for an early dinner to convince him Tampa was a great place to end a career.  He’s worth a shot in 12 team leagues and deeper to see if he can recapture some of the glory days of carrying around a midget and dissing Karim Garcia.

Scott Downs – Downs Goes… Okay, I won’t bring it out again.   Early estimates say Downs could be out for 6 weeks.  Frasor’s the guy to go with, hopefully he’s not too persnickety.

Roy Halladay – Heads to the DL with his groin injury.  He says he’ll be back in a week and a half when he’s eligible.  I actually believe him.  Weird!

Ryan Braun – Left the game with back spasms.  Sounds like his usual shizz that sidelines him for a couple of days.

J.J. Hardy – HR yesterday.  Streaky like old lady hair.  Could be hot now.  (Welcome, Googlers, of “streaky” + hot old lady)

Trevor Hoffman – First blown save yesterday and has now given up runs in two of his last three appearances.  Not saying his goose is cooked, but he is old as dirt.  That’s old dirt.  None of that fresh peat stuff.

Javier Vazquez - 8 IP, 4 ER, 7 Ks, 6 baserunners and the loss.  I know, who doesn’t like to win?  But if I could every one of my starters throw that exact line all year, I’d take it and like it.

Adam LaRoche – 2 HRs in 3 days.  May sours, June swoon.

Andrew McCutchen – Aargh, thar she goes as The Dread Pirate went deep for his first homer.

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 4 ER vs. the Pirates?  Not sure if you’re going to see the Nats this year, Liriano.  Need to make something work, no?

Jacoby Ellsbury – Hit his third homer yesterday.  Who has more homers, Ellsbury or Pedroia?  I took him in the 2nd round for his position eligibility! No need to explain, random italicized voice.

Jorge Cantu – 2 HRs since the end of April.  Tailspin is not just a great song by The Jayhawks.

Curtis Granderson – 2 HRs yesterday, now has 16 on the year with 11 steals.  You better make it happen, Grandy.  Leyland really wants to work Don Kelly in the lineup.

Jose Lopez - 5 HRs in June.  Glad I gave up on him in May. /sarcasm

David Price – 7 IP, 5 ER.  Okay, but you shouldn’t have started him anyway, but at least there were no walks.  <–Bright side

Troy Tulowitzki – Another homer.  Member when I was telling you to buy Tulo in April?  Yeah, I was about a month early, but he’s here again.  Finalwitzki.

Aubrey Huff – HR yesterday.  If his first name were Jack or Kyle, you’d be excited.  Just hard to get excited about an Aubrey, I know.

Matt Wieters – Hit his first homer.  And you only had to hold him for 65 games.

Nick Markakis – 4-for-4 with his 2nd steal of the season.  I haven’t read this anywhere, but the Orioles must’ve put the child safety locks down on his running game.

John Lannan – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Not a huge endorsement, but definitely serviceable in 12 team leagues.

Mike MacDougal – Got the save yesterday.  *pulling cord to release streamers and balloons on your head*  Woo-hoo!

Jay Bruce – Obviously he must’ve saw that he was out of a lot of fantasy lineups yesterday so he homered.

Chris Young – Now he’s avoiding the DL.  With the way he’s pitched this year, not sure if that’s good or bad news.

Kevin Kouzmanoff - 3 HRs in the last 5 games.  Will anyone pitch to Adrian?  Maybe not, but you can benefit from that with Kouz.

Denard Span – Heads to the Dizzabled List.  Member about twenty years ago when there was a crazy amount of no-hitters?  Everyone was throwing one, even Bob Milacki got in on the action.  Okay, so in twenty years from now there’s going to be something weird, like all outfielders’ jetpacks are malfunctioning and I’m going to say, “This is weird like twenty years ago when everyone was dizzy.”

Mark Reynolds/Adam Dunn – Both hit their 18th homers yesterday.  Donkey see, donkey do.

Scott Richmond – 8 IP, 1 ER, 11 Ks.  You can mitch and boan about missing this start, but you shouldn’t have started him in Philly anyway.

Scott Rolen – Hit his 4th homer and stole his 3rd base yesterday.  Putting him on pace for a 9/7 year.  Yunel Escobar just laughed derisively at his projections.

Jayson Werth – Hit his tenth homer on Tuesday and yesterday he hit… 11.  C’mon, that wasn’t hard.

John Danks – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks.  71 strikes out of 99 pitches.  Sweet mother of pearl, take a pitch, Cubbies.  Since the Sox are terrible against righties and the Cubs are equally belchy vs. lefties, I thought this might’ve been a stalemate, but the Cubs’ belchiness won out.

Andres Torres – Please explain to me how he’s a leadoff hitter.  He’s a .270 hitter in 1000+ minor league games.  For those not in the know, 1000 minor league games is about 10 seasons.  Tenacity is not just a city in Jersey!

Edinson Volquez left the game after the 1st inning.  Hey, that Edinson-Josh Hamilton trade looks pretty even again, huh?  Volquez was complaining of finger numbness.  Was it cold?  Maybe he can pitch wearing mittens.  If it’s finger numbness from non-weather related reasons, it’s not a good sign.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Volquez ends up back on the DL.  Okay, here’s a pretty general thing that generally applies (ain’t that something?), a pitcher is suffering from anything to do with his throwing arm?  You want out.  Let someone else deal with the agita that comes with a pitcher dealing with arm issues.  Kazmir, Ervin, Baker, etc.  I’ll probably be touting you to draft them all next year.  I wouldn’t go near any of them this year, unless the deal was ridiculously lopsided.  Obviously, Volquez has more value than the other three schmohawks I mentioned, but be wary.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Grady Sizemore – News hasn’t gotten better.  If rest on the DL doesn’t heal his elbow, he’ll need surgery and will be out at least 6 weeks.  I’d say you’d be lucky to get a decent September out of him, if surgery’s necessary.

Chad Qualls – Over the weekend, Mark Grace, the Diamondbacks color man, said that Qualls was experiencing forearm pain.  (This info was supplied by one of our commenters.  In other words, if it’s incorrect, I wash my hands of it.)  Yesterday, Tony Pena got the save.  Pena definitely has closer stuff, but I think Rauch, or even Juan Gutierrez will see time as the closer.  With Pena getting the first opportunity, he should be the first guy you pickup.  I’d pick them up Pena, Rauch then Gutierrez.  Hike up your waiver wire skirts, save whores.

Hiroki Kuroda – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 Ks.  Back from his oblique injury… which is so obfuscatory!  Solid enough start for a third to fourth fantasy starter, which is what Kuroda is.  Remember, last year he led the league in being a FLAKE.  (A FLAKE is basically a pitcher who goes from excellent to unusable from start to start.  A FLAKE is also Manny Ramirez.)

Scott Hairston – 2-for-4, HR yesterday.  It’s the Age of Hairston!

Colby Rasmus – 3-for-4 with a home run.  Now batting .750 in June, but only one RBI.

J.J. Putz – 3 earned runs and is probably out as the setup man.  Parnell, Feliciano and Stokes should share duties.  Though not doodies, that would be weird.

Livan Hernandez – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Had a Win spoiled by the Mets bullpen.  He knows the feeling, he’s spoiled plenty of his own wins over the years.

Jack Wilson – Wilson, Adam LaRoche or McLouth, who has the highest average?  If you pulled a Brewster’s Millions and guessed none of the above, you wouldn’t be too far off.

Matt Capps – Got the save yesterday.  You can lose Grabow for now.

Carlos Beltran – 2nd day in a row his belly was bothering him.  Claire Danes sends her love.

Jeremy Sowers – 5 IP, 1 ER and 5 walks.  I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.

Roy Oswalt – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks.  Has owned the Rockies in his career, and the way the Rox are hitting right now, I could probably go six scoreless against them.  Their cleanup hitter was Atkins.  Somewhere Clint Hurdle derisively laughed.

Rich Hill – 7 IP, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  There’s two hitters batting over .300 on the M’s.  Ichiro, obviously, can you guess the other?  It’s not their 2nd, 3rd or 4th hitters, if that helps.

Rob Johnson – 933 OPS Mariners backstop?  Yeah, Jeff Clement.  He’s in the minors.  Rob Johnson has a 513 OPS.  That’s terrifically awful.

Mike Cameron/Ryan Braun – Cameron left the game in the 6th with knee irritation and Braun left early after fouling a ball off his leg.   The Brewers trainer said they’re both day-to-day, but he’ll be monitoring them closely now that he has so much free time without Weeks around.

John Baker – There’s a new Cristal Young in town and he’s catching for the Marlins.  He’s caught 8 out of 48 for a terrible .167 CS%.  It’s so bad… How bad is it?  Prince Fielder tried to steal yesterday.  Though he was caught inflating Baker’s numbers.

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks.  Has now thrown three solid starts in a row.  I wouldn’t count on four.

Xavier Nady – Felt pain in his elbow during a throwing session.  I’m not sitting on this doode in any league.  Here’s the thing, he’s injury-prone and he plays in a lineup where he’s not even guaranteed time.  I guess if you’re only using a DL slot to hold him, it’s not that big of a deal, but I’d expect nothing and hope for something.

Joba Chamberlain – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 Ks.  Is this Joba’s Mom or is this?  You make the call!

I was alerted yesterday in our fantasy baseball forums that Ozzie Guillen will be sitting Alexei Ramirez for Jayson Nix.  And it may not be for just one game.  This makes perfect sense.  A guy who has never played a game at shortstop in the major leagues.  A guy who got the Rockies starting job at 2nd last year and hit .125 and 2 extra-base hits in 56 ABs.  A guy who couldn’t hold off Omar Quintanilla for the utility man role in Colorado.  A guy whose last name says it all.   So potatoes to chips, what does this mean for us?  It means we’re screwed in the screwhole!  What do you think it means?  No, actually, I think this is just a wakeup call.  Member how Victorino was benched for Werth last May?  Yeah, me too.  Alexei will get back his starting job and should be fine.  Also, shortstop is so weak on talent that it pays to wait this out for a bit.  (BTW, “potatoes to chips” is my new favorite phrase that means nothing.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Derrek Lee – His neck spasms are acting up again.  This could be an ongoing issue all year.  Just when you think he’s out of the dark, someone shuts off the lights.

Lance Berkman – HR yesterday.  Left April batting .162, now is batting .194.

Oliver Perez – Disgraceful List.  He’s out with a strain to his ability to pitch effectively.  No timetable for his return.

Albert Pujols – 11th homer yesterday as he went 4-for-4.  The rest of the team had 3 hits.  Imagine what Pujols would do if they weren’t pitching around him.

Mitchell Boggs – Gave up 2 earned runs, but left the game after four and a third because of the inability to stop walking batters.

Nick Markakis – I am Sparkakis!

Kelly Johnson – DNP.  He’s in Cox’s doghouse pretty good this time.  Maybe dressing up as Gene Larkin for last Halloween wasn’t the best idea.

Jorge Cantu – HR yesterday, now has 30 RBIs.  Here’s what Rudy and I said after the first game of the season, “Hitting behind Ramirez for the rest of the season can only help.  It’s too early to predict a repeat of his 92/29/95 2008 season, but he’ll be a bigger bargain than most drafted cornermen.”  And that’s me quoting us!

Matt Capps – Says he could come back by Saturday.  Hold Grabow for now because I have my doubts.

Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 2 ER, 12 Ks.  With four of their top five hitters being Giles, Eckstein, Hairston and Gerut, they couldn’t beat the Washington Generals.

Kevin Slowey – 3 IP, 3 ER.  Unfortunately, the rain came and didn’t allow Slowey to fix a bad first inning.

Matt Tolbert – With Alexi Casilla sent down, Tolbert played 2nd base.   He should fit perfectly into the Twins plans for a weak offense.

Justin Upton – 2 HRs yesterday.  Okay, this might sound crazy, but has anyone seen him and BJ hit a homer in the same game?  Maybe him and BJ share a shoulder.

Cameron Maybin/Emilio Bonifacio – Their averages are moving closer and closer to each other and that really isn’t an endorsement for either.  On the bright side, Maybin has been seeing more time in the number two spot.

Felipe Lopez – Back from a sore ankle and stole two bases.  Sounds like someone was faking.

Manny Parra – 119 pitches through 6 innings, some walks and some Ks.  And this was a good matchup for him.  Pretty much exactly the kind of game Parra will throw.

Elvis Andrus – HR yesterday.  Of course, I just traded him away.

Aramis Ramirez – HR yesterday.  Guess he’s put his “cramps” behind him.

Randy Johnson – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, Zero Ks.  The humidor zapped the mullet’s strength!  Mullet… Must… Get… Fresh… Air…

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks.  Was a perfect matchup for the man with the greatest first name in the majors.  If you were to read between the words there, I’m basically saying I still don’t trust him for every start.

Matt Murton – HR yesterday for the Rockies.  He actually makes good sense in the Rox lineup when they’re facing lefties.  Could be a solid pickup in NL-Only daily leagues where you can work a platoon.

Aaron Hill – 7th homer yesterday.  Who was the pickup of the year so far?  If you have to ask, you don’t own Aaron Hill.

Joe Beimel – Back in action! In the 9th inning!  Of a blowout?

Clayton Kershaw – See what I said about Parra and put it on a better team in a pitcher’s park.

Russell Martin – 3-for-5, 7 for his last 14.  Might be coming out of his early season sassafras. (<–Fun word used incorrectly!)

Bronson Arroyo – 1 IP, 9 ER.  Afterward, he played a song on his guitar.  It went like this, “I suck, suckers… Suck, suck, suck, suckers…”  Pretty catchy actually.

Ryan Braun – Grand slam and 6 RBIs.  If I may venture a guess, Braun will hit well when he’s playing then take a few games a month to recoup (cortisone shot).  Remember, 75% of Braun is Brau.  As in Lowenbrau.  Which is delicious.

Chan Ho Park – Dueled Johan Santana through 6 innings, giving up only 1 hit.  In other news, pigs can fly.

Joe Crede – Sat out because of an upset tummy.  If I ran a major league team, any time a player wanted to sit out for a minor ailment, I’d have them report their condition to Cal Ripken.  Just call him up and tell him you’re sitting out because you had Thai food for lunch.  Might think twice about ordering the Larb.

Ryan Doumit went from sleeper to 2nd tier fantasy catcher last year after he managed to take a year off from his Glass Joe impersonation that dogged him throughout 2006-2007 (2006 = 89 games missed w/ hamstring issues, 2007 = 26 games missed with wrist, and then 20 games with ankle).  Actually, he missed 27 games last year with thumb (20), concussion ( 5 ) and the flu (two separate days), so even when he’s healthy he’s “merely a flesh wound” away from the DL.  He’s now out for 8-10 weeks.  Punt!  (Or stash him on your DL if it’s empty.)  I’d look at Baker, Salty, Shoppach or Hundley, all those names depend on league depth, of course.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Stewart – Has played 5 games in OF (3 started).  He’s 5 games played away from OF eligibility in Yahoo! and ESPN.  He’s already eligible in Yahoo! for 2B and is 8 games away from ESPN eligibility.  With the way he’s hitting (and Seth Smith and Spilborghs are slumping), he might get OF eligibility by the end of April.  As for 2B, don’t count on it.  He’s lucky to get 1 start a week there so maybe you’re talking sometime in late June – unless Barmes gets hurt (what are the exacta odds on Helton and Barmes being on the DL at the same time by end of May?)

Brandon Wood – Called up yesterday.  Wood has the oh-so-coveted superfecta of eligibility.  He should be picked up in all 12 team leagues and deeper.  I’d put his projections at 17/10, .250.  There’s upside on the power and speed and downside on the average.  Granted, I’m a big fan of Wood in the right situations, especially if you’re trying to start a fire.

Freddy Sanchez – Dirty Sanchez hit a HR yesterday off Anibal Sanchez, while Gaby Sanchez wishes he could’ve seen it.

Manny Parra – 4 IP, 5 ER, 4 Ks.  See he does strikeout a guy an inning! And walk a guy an inning.  And give up a run every inning.  I hate to defend this crappy of a performance, but there was a play that knocked Weeks out of the game that should’ve been the 2nd out of the 4 run 1st.

Kenshin Kawakami – 5 IP, 2 ER.  I watched this game because I had both team’s pitchers.  Let’s just say I wanted one to get the Win and one to get the Loss and it didn’t work out how I wanted.  Kawakami looked sloppy at times and other times overpowering with junk, if that’s possible.

Brian McCann – Fitted with new contact lenses and should be fine.  Now is it me or don’t you think when you’re paying someone almost $4 million for 6 months of work you’d have an eye doctor on call to check on contact lenses?  He missed games because of this mishegoss?  What the eff?

Brandon McCarthy – 6 IP, 3 ER. Still giving up too many homers.

Franklin Morales – Left in the 3rd with shoulder pain.  Um, not good.

Aaron Laffey – 7 IP, 1 ER.  Two decent outings with him keeping the ball down.  He gets the Twins next time out.  They couldn’t hit a home run if you spotted them to 2nd base.

Nelson Cruz – Hit his 6th HR yesterday.  Could hit 35 HRs and bat .260.  Cust kayin’.

Cameron Maybin – First HR yesterday.  That’s so Maybin!

Oliver Perez – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER.  He will give you severe heartburn.

Clayton Kershaw – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Now you buy him.  See how that works.

Rickie Weeks – Day to day.  Chipper, “Hey, me too!”

Toddy Coffey – Expected to get the saves while Hoffman is out.  Hoffman’s due back this weekend though.  Hastanueva!

Prince Fielder – Batting .163 on the year.  He’s killing me portly.

Matt Cain – 6 IP, 2 ER and the win.  I have a sidebet with myself that he has a better season than Lincecum.  I may welch.

Jake Peavy – 6 IP, 6 ER.  Peavy didn’t take his malaria pills and came down with a bad case of the Renterias.

Jay Bruce – Homered in his return to play.  Sonavabench!

Joey Devine – Will miss the season.  Left side of the mouth says, “Fore,” the right side of the mouth says, “Gone.”

Ryan Braun – 5-for-5, 2 HRs.  Rumors after the game were swirling that Moyer gave up both blasts so Braun would agree to a date with his granddaughter.

Mark Reynolds – HR yesterday.  Someone’s pulling away with the Davis/Reynolds HR crown.

Jarrod Washburn – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks.  He’s been dynamite so far.  I wish I had him in my AL-Only league, but I wouldn’t trust him in any mixed league short of a 15 teamer.

Ryan Freel – To the DL with head trauma.  He said he was fine and could’ve avoided the DL.  Farney thought better of it.

Losing Gary Sheffield from your fantasy baseball team is about the best thing that could’ve happened to you if you owned him. This isn’t really a big fantasy story as far as Sheff goes.  He was a decrepit ex-roider.  (He was a great hitter to watch in his prime and it’s sad when great players devolve into nomadic, expensive NVORPS (negligible value over replacement players).  For every neat and tidy retirement like Ripken and Gwynn, there seems to be at least three like this.) The best thing that could happen is he ends his career at 499 homers.  Instant karma’s gonna get you.  What this does do is open up a spot for someone else.  As I said in the comments yesterday, “The Thames runs through it.”  Damn, I’m pithy.  I’m like Charles Nelson Reilly on The Match Game pithy.  RIP, C N R, you were one of a kind… Until me.  Marcus Thames is a source of 20 – 25 HRs and a .240 average.  Not bad for AL-only but not remarcusable.  He usually only plays against lefties, so I’m not sure if Sheff’s departure gives him that many more ABs.  He’s a masher to watch.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in spring training for fantasy baseball:

Joey Devine – Now Aching Joey Devine is off to see Dr. Freeze.  Ugh.  This never turns out well.  Casilla is Ziegler’s handcuff for the time being.

Scott Lewis – Gave up 10 runs in less than 4 innings.  As I said last week when he got the starting job, you don’t really want him.

Justin Duchscherer – Surgery went well.  A stitch without a hitch!  (Alliteration in lieu of wit.)  He’ll be back by June.  Wake me when I care.

Emmanuel Burriss – Webster won the 2nd base job!  The cherubby 2B stole 51 SB in a minor league season and SAGNOF is better at MI than OF.

David Murphy – As I said in my fantasy baseball 300, platoon this doode with Byrd.

Alexi Casilla – Why does every starting MI in the AL Central have a Russian first name?  The Tigers need Edgar back to round out the Perestroika.  Casilla’s hitting over .400 in spring training and he stole 50 SBS at A/AA in 2006 then 11 in a short stint with the Twins in 2007.  But he only stole 7 last year in 385 ABs with the Twins.  At MI, it doesn’t really matter if you need steals.

Alexei Ramirez – Fellow comrade was back in the lineup and again in the eight hole.  Diamonds are from Sierra Leone and Ozzie’s from Mars.  I’m not going to stress this yet, but if it continues into the season, Ozzie and I will be having words.

Russell Branyan – Having a nice spring.  When Branyan grows up, he wants to be Jack Cust.

Huston Street – Announced he’ll find out by Thursday if he’s the closer.  I think he gets over that last… *pinkie to mouth* Hurdle.

Ryan Braun – Left the game yesterday with a bruised thumb.  X-rays turned up negative.  I hear that means it’s positive.  Not sure why they can’t just say that.

Dexter Fowler – Made the club.  Keepers and NL-Only’ers rejoice.

Gaby Sanchez – He (she?) was optioned to The Big Easy.  The opening for Bonifacio appears to widen.

Jeff Keppinger – Big trade came in off the wire yesterday.  Keppinger to the Astros.  Now that’s how to build a team up after losing Ausmus.  We were rooting for Bill Bialystock from Houston’s Double-A affiliate in Corpus Christi to get promoted and platoon with Blum.  Now that’s a platoon that can produce!

Geoff Blum – Seems pretty puzzled that he’s in the running for opening day 3rd baseman, saying “There’s an outside chance. I’m not going to believe it until I see my name in the lineup or they give me the OK…”  Geoff added, “I can’t believe my wife has sex with me.  I don’t believe she’s going to let me until I have it halfway in.”