Fantasy Baseball Advice

A right to the jaw, Gallardo goes down. Left to the jaw, Rich Hill sucks. Go to throw in the towel and Guthrie grabs your hand. Uppercut to the chin, Harang sucks. Aaron Cook takes a few body blows and rights the ship. Body blow and Franceour hits the canvas. You prepare to throw in the towel, but Hamilton grabs your hand and you’re feeling a second wind, then, out of nowhere, right, left, right — you’re toothless. Damn, these fantasy baseball injuries are ruthless. You’re stammering, “Momma?” as you hobble around the ring. You see three of your opponent because your eye needs to be cut and then Kinsler hits the DL. Like Saddam’s gold-ish statue, you topple to the ground. Kinsler may be out for the season. I have nothing else to say, but this totally sucky-suck-sucks. Some guys I’m looking at grabbing, Wigginton, Kent, Cesar Izturis, Sanchez or Polanco. I say “or,” because God help you if you need more than one of those. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Braun - Ugh, Part II. He left the game after swinging and missing. I’m pretty sure he’s headed to the DL. I wish he would’ve just sat out the last two games so he wouldn’t now need another 15 games, but when it hurts to swing, it’s not a good sign.

Justin Duchscherer - And the hits keep coming. He reinjured the same hip that shut him down last season. He’s thrown nearly as many innings this year as he’s thrown in the last three years combined. You guys had a good run. When Dook-sher goes in for the MRI and CornNuts, leave him by the side of the road.

Greg Maddux - Looks like he’s being traded to the Dodgers. This is the one place where Maddux may have slightly more value than Petco. Dodgers Stadium is also a pitcher’s park, it’s in the same crap division (now he can face the Padres!) and the Dodgers score a few more runs. That is a win, win, win! Though, he’s still a questionable starter depending on matchups.

Barry Zito - 7 scoreless innings against the Braves. After the game, Bobby Cox said, “I’d give back ‘95 if someone could make this end.”

Jorge Campillo - 6 2/3 innings, 5 ER. As I mentioned last week, I quit Campillo in all of my leagues. There’s an addendum to that, I picked up Campillo for my Razzball team, so now Campillo’s job is to become the worst pitcher ever.

Matt LaPorta - Was hit on the head during the Olympics and taken to the hospital where Michael Phelps performed open head surgery and now LaPorta will be fine. Phelps also made a the most delicious Dum-Dum Lollipop for LaPorta to suck on while he heals. The ingredients were two parts corn syrup, one part lepruchuan.

Evan Longoria - Rays are still saying September 1st is Longoria’s return date. On a real baseball note, the Rays seem like they’re having one of those special seasons where it doesn’t matter who gets hurt. They could fill Willy Aybar in for their 1 thru 9 hitters and it wouldn’t matter.

Al Reyes - Declined his minor league assignment and is now a free agent. Here’s some obvious speculation, Al Reyes’s new home will be with the New York Mets.

Troy Percival - Supposedly Percival will be able to return without surgery. He’s still due to miss 2-4 weeks, which in old man weeks is 4 weeks. I still like Wheeler to be the Rays closer.

John Maine - 5 scoreless innings only to have the bullpen give it away. He walked four through five innings. Against a better offense, this line may not look as good.

Jason Bay - 2 HRs and a steal. Manny who? The guy who hits a home run every game for the Dodgers. Oh, right!

Adam LaRoche - HR yesterday. 6-for-20 since returning, which for him is hot.

B.J. Upton - After being reprimanded two times prior for lack of hustle, he jogged to 2nd yesterday and was tagged out. Well, everyone knows you shouldn’t rush a B.J.

Hello, friends and countrymen. Welcome to the number one place for your daily fantasy baseball roundup. Without further ado, as if that’s not ado enough, let’s get right to it. I figured it was about time to dedicate a lead to Jeremy Guthrie. Not exciting for you? How about this, all he does is throw quality starts. Seriously. That’s it. What else? Nothing. Quality starts. Get it yet? Quality. Starts. Quality Inn? No! Starts, of the quality variety. He’s tied for 2nd for the most quality starts in the majors. Those tied for first: Lincecum, Johan, Webb and Haren. I told you to pickup Guthrie on May 4th when Gallardo went down. Since then, 125 innings with a 2.92 ERA. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

John Maine - 5 IP, 6 Ks to beat the Nats. (BTW, can we start calling the Nats home, The Peach Pit? Thank you.)

Mike Lowell - To the DL. Oblique strain, but I think they’ve narrowed it down to somewhere in his stomach.

Joel Zumaya - To the DL with a sore right shoulder. Someone must have challenged him to a marathon session of Mario Kart and now this happens. Fernando Rodney should get the first look for saves now (as I write this, Farnsworth is probably saving a game. I keed.). Then guess who returns on Friday, Todd “Your Mother Throws Harder Than Me” Jones. You’re not jonesing for any of that, I tell ya!

Tom Gordon - Out for the season. Back date this to some time in April. Sorry, TG, but you’ve done nothing for a while. Cleats meet hook on the back of closet door. Closet door hook meet cleats.

Chipper Jones - Out of Wednesday lineup with a tummy ache. That whole “I’m playing every game this year” thing he said in April lasted a lot longer than either of us thought it would. The “us” being you and I. Hey you!

Braden Looper - I told you he’d be good this month. Dare I say, Looper’s been super.

Billy Wagner - Due back on Monday. The Mets pitching staff lets out a collective breath. Then Johan, “Wait, Wagner was crappy too.” The Mets pitchers sullenly nod their heads then Pedro Feliciano, “Johan, be happy. Like me.”

Delmon Young - HR yesterday for the second straight game. Somebody’s hot. Who? Delmon, ya’ll.

Jeff Samardzija - Word out of Wrigleyville is the Shark’s starting on Sunday.

Mike Gonzalez - Kazaam! Oh, wait, you kinda have to get the occassional saves to be considered a closer and to get Kazaam’d.

John Grabow - Got his third save. As I said the day before Marte was traded (Ms. Cleo, bitches!), Grabow would get the bulk of the saves. Yates-Schmates.

Tim Lincecum - Said he’ll make his next start. Guess we gotta believe him, though my first inclination is not to.

Chris Perez - Got the save. I try to watch all teams, but sometimes I miss certain players while I flip around Direct TV. Anyway, I saw Perez last night for the first time. Wild at times, but he’s a major league closer.

Ryan Braun - The Hebrew Hammer (BTW, can you imagine Prince Fielder calling Ryan Braun that? About as likely as Bill Gates calling Warren Buffett, “T-Bone.”) says he’s feeling better and should be back by the weekend.

Vernon Wells - Grand slam yesterday. Could have a solid final month and a half, but keep in mind his last huge month was two years ago.

Jorge Campillo - FYI, just so you know, for what it’s worth, I’m bailing. It was good while it lasted, but you gotta know when to hold them and know when to…

CC Sabathia - 114 pitches in 7 innings. All that work Dusty Baker did mentoring Yost and he pulls him after seven?! What happened with changing his name to CG?!

Russell Martin - As his slump drags on, he’s dropped to the 8 hole.  Torre batted Posada 6th through thick and thin. Guess we know which restaurant Torre eats at in the food court — Sbarro!

With two home runs yesterday, Ryan Braun is up to 20 HRs. Not sure I mentioned this before, but I traded for The Hebrew Hammer a couple of weeks ago. (If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!) I traded Carl Crawford for Braun. Rudy called me all kinds of names about this one. Topped with, “I’d say you’ve sunk to a new low but trading Verlander to (so-and-so) for Street (two years ago) when (so-and-so) was 3 starts away from being maxed out was the lowest…” Honestly, I enjoy pissing off my friends at fantasy baseball, but I wasn’t sure why Rudy was mad about this one. I mean, Crawford for Braun is fair, no? Well, turns out the team I traded Crawford to didn’t need steals. Know what? I don’t care. The team’s owner has been playing with us for a long time. He’s proven himself a worthy adversary. If he wants to trade for more steals while sporting Reyes, Pierre and Bourn, it’s his prerogative. (I don’t need permission to make my fantasy baseball decisions….It’s my prerogative…) So does this mean I suddenly endorse Braun? I placed him 22 overall; I never didn’t endorse him (sorry, double negatives hurt my brain, too). I just thought Braun was going too high. Well, on that team, I needed power because Hafner was a have-not, so I went out and got Braun. Am I suddenly down on Crawford? I am starting to think the power may never come and I’m not a huge fan of speed only guys, so there’s that. The lesson that should be taken away? Every player has a place on some team. Except Ryan Zimmerman. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chase Headley - Watched him bat three times yesterday. Saw nothing that exciting. Seems like he likes to take a pitch even if it means striking out. Reminded me of Jeremy Hermida in this respect. This was one game; this is by no means a ‘pert evaluation.

Manny Parra - 7 shutout innings, 5/4 K/BB. Confidence level looks like it’s climbing. (I don’t know what that means. I heard Bill Schroeder say it and Bill Schroeder is a knowledgeable color man.) Know what helps a confidence level? Pitching against the Blue Jays.

Jose Reyes -Left with what Jose Mota (not Molina) deemed a minor injury. Word from a different (more reliable) source is he might have strained a hamstring. Ugh… *sticking head in oven*

Brad Penny - Hit the DL yesterday. Here’s what Alyssa Milano’s MLB blog update said today, “I told him to stop eating all of those fried foods and late nite meals at Mel’s Diner. When I was preparing for the roll (sic) of Charlotte Wells in Embrace of the Vampire, I ate only soba noodles for 2 months straight! Do u think I wanted to eat so much soba noodles? Well, actually…. Yeah! I did! (Wouldn’t u?) But even if I thought soba noodles tasted gross, I’d still ate (sic) them if I thought they’d help me stay in shape. BTW, I wasn’t the one who gave you herpes! L8 and <3″

Chad Billingsley - I want to draft Billingsley right now for 2009, 2010 and 2011 with an option for 2012. In the same blog entry, Alyssa Milano said this about Billingsley, “Blame Penny for the herpes. Sorry! L8 and <3 * 2″

Johnny Cueto - Not sure why his Ks are so down. Might have something to do with scouting reports, but I think it’s more to do with him falling behind and going for contact. There’s also a strong chance that Dusty Baker is somehow responsible. Dusty, “Cueto, I will throw you in back-to-back games for the ‘mainder of the season if you try to strike people out. I’m not joking. Call up Mark Prior, he will tell you.”

Brandon Webb - Going through what the people in the biz call, “a dead arm period.” If this period is anything like my girlfriend’s, it’s best to act like he’s fine and NOT bloated.

Justin Duchscherer - Of course, Dook-sheer pitched well. Apparently, that’s what Dook-Sheer do. Needed only 94 pitches to get through 8 innings.

Jeff Clement - The Mariners called him up, so he got in the game, right? Nope. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2008 Seattle Mariners!

Brandon Morrow - Making the best of the opportunity, converted a save with a perfect ninth. Putz hadn’t pitched a perfect inning in June.

Ian Snell - Snell got O-Cab to ground out to open the game. The rest didn’t look so good.

Carlos Quentin - Batting .170 in June. Where’s April/May Carlos? We want him back.

Livan Hernandez - Movie trailer guy, “In a world where Livan Hernandez looks like a good replacement for Johan Santana… He’ll baffle you with his eephus! He’ll take his time with each pitch! He’ll avoid the foul line when walking off the field! George Lopez is Livan Hernandez!”

Brandon Lyon - Kazaam’d up the joint for 4 runs in 2/3 of an inning.

In fantasy baseball, it’s imperative to trade away overrated players before they lose their luster and trade for underrated players. Then there’s simply the rated ones. If this reads vaguely familiar, it’s because I’m cribbing Chuck Klosterman, who I think is brilliant. Here’s the relevant quote to better understand what follows:

If you are the kind of person who talks about music too much, there are two words that undoubtedly play an integral role in your workaday lexicon: “overrated” and “underrated.” This is because those two sentiments pop up in 90 percent of all musical discussions.

He goes on to list bands that are overrated (Wilco, Sonic Youth) or underrated (Duran Duran, Tortoise), coming finally to bands that simply rated, which are no more or less than their reviews (The Beatles). Klosterman’s theory also applies for fantasy baseball. Let’s look at some overrated, underrated and rated players.

OVERRATED

Ryan Braun - As I said earlier today, “I had Braun 22 overall. It’s not like I had him between Hank Blalock and David Ross. I think his average is below .285 and he’s below 15 steals. He’s basically Carlos Lee with 3B eligibility and without the track record. Carlos Lee does Braun’s thing for 7 years and Braun does it for four months and Braun should go ten spots before him? I just don’t get it.” When you put a player twenty-two overall and people say you are unfairly down on him, that player is the definition of overrated. (BTW, I have a picture of Jesus in my office and it’s signed, “Grey, Thanks for steering me away from Ryan Braun. You are a Fantasy God. Love, Your Savior. P.S. What do you think about Lackey for Alex Gordon? I’m good on starters, but have Cust as my Utility.”)

Ryan Zimmerman - Before the Anti-Defamation League of Ryans contacts me, I swear I have no prejudice towards the name Ryan. I even just picked up Ryan Franklin in a league and I’ve eaten at Ryan Gosling’s Moroccan Restaurant — the couscous was overcooked, but the bastilla was good. Then again, who’s ever had a bad bastilla? Someone who puts catsup on egg noodles and calls it pasta, that’s who.

Dustin McGowan - He threw too many innings last year. If you like math — Pitcher who has a good season + overworked = overrated. (More math problems, MTV reality shows = mindless wonderfulness. Republicans = Democrats. Hispanics + peanut butter and jelly sandwiches = Unhappy Hispanics.)

Any AL Starter - Hater Bell covered this in this post. I don’t like trading apples for apples (starter for starter, third basemen for third basemen, etc.), but I can almost get behind a trade like Lackey and Cliff Lee for Wainwright and Maine. In fact, I likey. Hey, I just made a hypothetical trade with myself.

Any Closer - Think of them as a necessary evil and you’ll be better off. I love to do trades like Mariano Rivera for Josh Hamilton then turn around and trade Josh Hamilton for Trevor Hoffman and Matt Capps then turn around and trade Capps for Victorino. Closers are like girls. You will overvalue them at first, grow to despise them, wish you traded them for their sister, not understand how they can get over you so fast when you drunkenly call them at three in the morning. Finally, you find a replacement then get a sex tape in the mail of your ex with your best friend time dated to the afternoon of your one year anniversary. Or maybe that’s me. Anyway, don’t get too attached.

UNDERRATED

Any Setup Man - Rudy claims he taught me how to use middle men many years ago. I don’t remember it, but maybe. Or maybe that’s his consolation for losing to me last year. And three years ago. And four years ago.

Any Big-Bellied 1st Basemen that is Currently Struggling - These guys could go 100/40/100 in their sleep. Howard’s average might leave something to be desired, but he’s a .265 hitter. What, you wanted a fat Ichiro?

Any Padres Pitcher - I could have a 4.50 ERA in Petco and I throw like a girl.

Aaron Cook - He’s a ground ball pitcher. It’s hard to hit ground balls out of the yard.

Any NL Starter - See 5 3/4 inches above.

Me - I think I’m good for about seven to eight posts a week. Maybe 500 to 700 words per post. Everyone has off days, but I think at the end of the season, you’ll be better off with me than without. And I can beat you in checkers. (Union County Checker Champion grades 5 thru 7. That horn is twenty years old and I’m still tooting it.)

Shawn Hill - As someone who has tried to beat the drum about about this guy, I can tell his fan club is not well-attended. In one of my leagues, I tried to trade Hill for Stephen Drew when Tulo went down. That trade got shot down quicker than David Eckstein trying to get on a roller coaster.

Melky Cabrera - Considering the Yankees hype machine it’s weird to find any Yankee on this list, but somehow people ain’t feeling Melky. Even after being crowned the best name in baseball according to Larry King.

RATED

Eric Gagne - Backne isn’t on the juice anymore and it’s hurting him. Karma is your mother-in-law.

Nick Punto - Might even be unrated.

Carlos Lee - Everyone knows what you’re going to get.

Mike Cameron - 20/20/.250 for like forty years in a row. He was the only person who got caught sipping the cheating juice and no one lowered one single prediction.

Milton Bradley - Predictable, injury-prone loose cannon. I wonder if Cliff Floyd and him are buds. That’s one carpool I would not want to be party to. (”Milton, can you grab my Mary J. Blige CD from the backseat?” “Sure, Cliff, is it next to your diaphragm?” Car screeches to the side of the road, they jump out to fight only to simultaneously pull a hammy.)

It’s with no regret that I announce (Well, I’m not exactly announcing it. The Brewers are, but bear with me.) that Eric Gagne is no longer the closer. Officially, the Brewers say it’s a mental break. I say, it’s a “You can’t take steroids anymore and the Brewers should’ve never acquired him in the first place” break. On Friday, I told you I think Salomon Torres will walk away with a large chunk of saves. If he’s gone, as a speculation on Gagne’s replacement, you have to grab Mota or Riske. Grab everyone basically, even Shouse, if you need saves. I think Gagne will be eventually back closing for the Brewers and he’ll get five or six more saves before he undoubtably needs another mental break. Guess now he’ll have time to tuck in his shirt. Anyway, here’s what else I (and others) saw yesterday:

Johnny Cueto - I missed the Mets game because I was hungover and needed to submerge my head into a tub of ice. So I put Rudy on the case, here’s what he said over IM, “Castillo got a gift triple in the first which led to 3 runs, but they were crushing Cueto in the first 2 IP. Then 2 innings were fine. Then a bullshit infield single for Castillo. K’d Wright. Then hung a curve that Beltran hit into orbit. No great story other than Cueto’s stuff is good, but remains a risky bet. I wish I traded him to you instead of Zach Attack. Parra’s unstartable, but I’m starting Cueto outside of Colorado. BTW, you’re the greatest writer in the history of blogs. In fact, blogs should be renamed to Glegs, which is a portmanteau (Word of the Day).”  Thanks, Rudy.

Brian Bannister - I was vomiting blood during this game, so I turned to my Uncle Yitz, who lives in KC, “Bannister is luckier than a blind man in a braille store.” Thanks, Uncle Yitz.

Carl Crawford - Blood turned to phlegm so I let Momma Grey write this one for Mother’s Day, “Carl who? Is that our mailman?” “Maybe you’re thinking of Karl Malone.” “Karl Malone is our mailman’s name?” Thanks, Mom! I still believe Crawford gets over 20 home runs and I’d trade for ‘our mailman’ in a second.

Ryan Braun - Everyone’s well aware of my stance on Braun, but he did hit two home runs yesterday. I say sell, but you do what you do.

Shawn Hill - Still not getting Ks or Ws like I’d want, but in deep leagues, you can do a lot worse. Actually, in shallow leagues you could do worse.

Khalil Greene - Been a buy low candidate for me for about a month. He is what he is, which is 25 home runs. If you like that sort of thing, you’ll enjoy KG.

Santiago Casilla - Finally gave up some runs, but he just got another win. Listen, when it’s time to bail, I’ll give you a heads up, but fantasy baseball is like a craps table. When the table’s hot, ride the effin’ table. When the table’s cold, go to a strip club.

Jonathan Broxton - I know you want to drop him quickfast. I think that’s being too reactionary. He recently had problems with his lat muscle, so he might not be himself. Bench him for a few days to see if yesterday’s outing was a one time bludgeoning or if you need to do a mercy killing.

Justin Speier - Not sure if anyone’s on this train wreck, but you need to get off, you ain’t ‘Unbreakable.’

Ervin Santana - Missed this game because my girlfriend was administering an IV, but his final line surprises me less than his first month of stats, if that makes sense — sweet!

Dan Uggla - If he hits forty, he’s worth the average. Otherwise, I’m not a fan. BTW, missed this game because I needed to be rushed to the hospital.

Nick Blackburn - Returned from the hospital in time to see this game. Honestly, I’m not buying into this guy. He seems usable with the right match-ups, but not on any of my teams. Not right now. Now I’m going to down an aspirin, a Bloody Mary and a ‘lude and hope this hangover goes away. Remind me not to drink again.