Ryan Braun tested positive for something. Maybe it was a performance-enhancing drug. Maybe it wasn’t a performance-enhancing drug just one that causes a positive test. Maybe he just drank sixteen bottles of Red Bull and made out with a stripper who had a cold sore. I don’t know. No one knows, but Ryan Braun. Some will say whatever he did is unforgivable. Others will say they couldn’t forgive him after he came out with a line of t-shirts for Affliction. He’s guilty until proven innocent nowadays and, frankly, I’m fine with that and don’t call me Frank Lee. Players should know what they can ingest. Pay me $10 million a year to play a game and I’ll make sure I’m aware of the banned substances. Did Prince Fielder get a batch of tainted tempeh and Ryan Braun ate it before Fielder could? Well, that seems impossible; no one eats Prince’s tempeh but Prince. Whatever comes out, what really concerns us is what are we supposed to make of Ryan Braun for 2012 fantasy baseball? (Is that what really concerns us? Probably not, but we’re a fantasy baseball site.)
Scenario 1: Ryan Braun is suspended for 50 games. The MVPED is found guilty. (Actually, he was found guilty already, but is appealing.) So if he’s found really guilty, baseball makes him sit shiva for the first 50 days of the 2012 season. This kills his fantasy value. Can he return for 112 games and put up 34 homers and 15 steals? No way, right? Actually, that’s exactly what he did his rookie season. Those are still first round numbers. But you have to have a serious screw loose in your head if you draft a 50-game suspended Braun in the first round. Or the second round. Or third. If suspended, he wouldn’t just be getting called up on game 51. He’d be returning with a Scarlett PED. That’ll play in his head for the next four months. That beat, beat, beating of the cheating man’s heart. If he has to sit out 50 games, I wouldn’t touch him until the 10th round of 2012 fantasy drafts. I’d expect a line of 55/20/70/.280/12. It’s not terrible, but I also could see not drafting him at all. You won’t be able to DL him so you’ll be wasting a bench spot on a guy that is more or less a 3rd outfielder.
Scenario 2: Ryan Braun beats them charges like Rocky. As much as you might want to believe, this seems implausible. MLB isn’t sitting in a bathroom with a discarded EPT box on the floor waiting for a test to turn blue. Never the hoo! If he’s cleared of the clear, then he’s a top 3 fantasy draft pick in 2012 and nothing changes except his determination to prove all you naysayers (yeah, you) wrong. Again, this sadly doesn’t seem like much of a possibility. I’m pouring out some Manischewitz for the brother we lost. Or maybe that’s Manisteroidswitz.
Went over the catchers, 1st basemen, 2nd basemen and shortstops and top 20 3rd basemen for 2011. Guess what’s next! No, not pitchers. Read the title, man. In 2010, there were only 5 outfielders that hit 30 homers, this year there were 9. It isn’t exactly like a bleached Sammy Sosa is sticking players with needles, but at least the rich got a little richer — yay, capitalism! Steals were still in abundance, and that doesn’t seem like it’s going anywhere any time soon. There were 14 outfielders who stole 30 bases with Michael Bourn still eating the baby out of the king cake. Since outfield is a deep position, I’m going to turn this one to 40. Anyway, here’s the top 20 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:
1. Matt Kemp – In the preseason, I ranked him 12th overall for all players. Find another ‘pert who ranked him that high last year. You’re wasting your time, you won’t find them. I ranked him as the 2nd outfielder overall. Just off Ryan Braun. He was drafted on average 26th overall and some ‘perts had him in the 40′s. He wasn’t an obvious pick. 2010 was not a good year, but he dropped his ball and anchor — or is it whips and chains? — and asked you to say his name. In the preseason, I said, “A total off year in 2010. That’s clear. He still hit 28 home runs and stole 19 bases. Sure, he hit .249, but he’s a career .285 hitter and his BABIP shows he was horribly unlucky last year. Yes, his Ks went up, but what happens when someone is unlucky? They press and start swinging at more pitches outside the strike zone. At 26 years old for the majority of 2011, now is not the time to give up on Kemp.” You can’t make that shizz up. Okay, you can, but it would be pretty easy to double-check it. Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections: 100/30/105/.285/22, Final Numbers: 115/39/126/.324/40
2. Jacoby Ellsbury – And as right as I was on Kemp, I didn’t see any of this Ellsbury season coming. About a month into the season I even compared Ellsbury to Gardner. While Gardner didn’t have a bad season, Ellsbury came out of nowhere with power that made him way more valuable. But the whole “came out of nowhere” thing makes me think we’re looking at a career year for Ellsbury. Preseason Rank #21, 2011 Projections: 90/7/70/.290/45, Final Numbers: 119/32/105/.321/39
3. Ryan Braun – In honor of The Hebrew Hammer, I wrote this about three weeks ago on Yom Kippur so I’ll make this fast. Zing! BTW, what’s the only thing you’re allowed to eat during Yom Kippur? Atone-mints. Zadow! The fact that Braun wasn’t the number one outfielder with the year he had is more an (old) testament to the guys above him. Preseason Rank #1, 2011 Projections: 105/32/120/.295/15, Final Numbers: 109/33/111/.332/33
4. Curtis Granderson – It sure was fun while it was going on, but now that Grandy’s 2011 is over it’s time to get real, I mean, was he for real? God, no. Will depend on where he gets drafted next year, but off the top of my head I’ll say he will be overrated next year. Preseason Rank #27, 2011 Projections: 70/25/80/.260/15, Final Numbers: 136/41/119/.262/25
6. Justin Upton – There’s guys that will repeat 2011 for a few years if they can avoid injury like Braun and there’s guys like Grandy and Melky. Upton’s not a Melky or Grandy. He’s a Braun. Though Upton’s a lot more the Upton we saw this year than Braun was the Braun that we saw this year. And that sentence wasn’t half as confusing in my head. Preseason Rank #7, 2011 Projections: 85/26/95/.270/20, Final Numbers: 105/31/88/.289/21
7. Michael Bourn – There’s a few Razzball concepts that just work perfectly, if I can be so immodest. SAGNOF is one. It becomes apparent when you see ESPN rank someone like Bourn 7th overall. Imagine on April 15th you were to trade Bourn straight up for Justin Upton then grab someone off waivers like Coco Crisp. Your league would’ve had a conniption. People would’ve immediately started sending notarized letters to your commissioner, using synonyms for unfair that they found in the thesaurus. Preseason Rank #40 1/2, 2011 Projections: 80/3/40/.265/45, Final Numbers: 94/2/50/.294/61
8. Melky Cabrera – First player to come out of nowhere, but I don’t think he was the 8th ranked outfielder. (I know it seems like I recap the players according to the ESPN Player Rater then disagree with it every step of the way, but c’est la vie, as Francouer would say.) Melky’s stats made him a great third outfielder, solid across the board production. As for where this season from Melky came from, he’s being seriously aided by plate appearances. 706 PA’s last year for 18 homers and 20 steals? If his PA’s fall into the 550 range as they had most years prior to 2011, his stats are gonna look like Mike Aviles. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 102/18/87/.305/20
9. Alex Gordon – I recapped Alex Gordon’s season already. I wrote that while stuffing a duck’s gullet for some foie gras. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 101/23/87/.303/17
10. Carlos Gonzalez – I knew CarGo wasn’t repeating his 2010, gave you preseason projections that were almost perfect and told you he was overrated. Yet, I feel like he didn’t disappoint as much as he could have. How dare you overperform your underperformance! Preseason Rank #5, 2011 Projections: 90/24/95/.285/20, Final Numbers: 92/26/92/.295/20
11. Hunter Pence – Here’s a guy that is cast in the Braun/Upton mold. You can set your watch to a decent year from Pence. Give or take some power, some speed, some average… Well, his stats are always there…thereabouts. Preseason Rank #10, 2011 Projections: 90/25/90/.290/15, Final Numbers: 84/22/97/.314/8
13. Jeff Francoeur – Imagine if the peasant Royals would’ve actually had some pitching in 2011. They would’ve easily made the postseason only to be bounced by the Rangers. The Royals had more runs scored than the Phillies, Brewers and Rays. As for fantasy, guys that surprise by overproducing are terrific. But — and unless you’re an alien, there’s always a but — how many fantasy owners actually got these seasons in their entirety? In deep leagues? Sure. You draft a guy like Frenchy and pray, then thank your deity of choice when he pans out. But in shallow leagues, you look at a guy like Frenchy and maybe pick him up after he does some hitting, then maybe drop him when he stops for a few weeks then maybe you grab him again, but you don’t have these players for the whole season. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 77/20/87/.285/22
15. Josh Hamilton – Ellsbury threw me for a loop, Grandy exceeded my expectations by a shizzton and Melky did what no one thought he could with a bunch of plate appearances, but Hamilton once again did exactly what I thought he would. Good while healthy with “while healthy” having its own solar system. Preseason Rank #6, 2011 Projections: 85/27/100/.305/7, Final Numbers: 80/25/94/.298/8
16. B.J. Upton – People seem to hate B.J. I think it’s the low average bias that permeates fantasy. It’s odd that there’s such a bias when average is the hardest thing to predict. Hate on low power or low speed, but low average? It’s a horn bet. Preseason Rank #19, 2011 Projections: 95/17/75/.250/40, Final Numbers: 82/23/81/.243/36
18. Andrew McCutchen – Last year we found out that The Dread Pirate wasn’t quite ready to take the next step like I thought he would. He didn’t come up that short, but short enough as they say at dwarf bowling. I really try to focus on making these blurbs about what the players did last year rather than looking ahead, but that’s easier said than done. The Dread Pirate is gonna be my 2012 Matt Kemp. There’s no one more exciting to me for next year that had a slightly down year. Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections: 100/18/60/.290/38, Final Numbers: 87/23/89/.259/23
19. Coco Crisp – At 31 years old, he had his best season. Coco Crisp must’ve been eating his Lucky Charms. All of these steals came from a Billy Beane-GM’d team. I guess there’s market efficiencies with steals now. You’re probably not asking yourself what I thought of Moneyball, but I’ll tell you anyway. SPOILER ALERT (but the movie has been out for over a month, you really have that much to do?) I was kinda disappointed. To go all EW on you, I’d give it a B, but I was hoping for an A. Damn you, expectations. I know Michael Lewis glossed over the fact Zito, Mulder, Hudson and the steroid-fueled Chavez and Tejada were actually a big part of the A’s success so I figured the movie would do the same. It did. They want a fairy tale about how some unknowns carried the team to glory. Yay, Scott Hatteberg is undervalued and he uses a bat carved from a tree that lightning struck! Not really, but whatever. I was more disappointed because I was bored during stretches and I didn’t like Jonah Hill at all. Hey, let’s get the Jew to find value where others are missing it! Finally, I wanted some unintentional comedy with Royce Clayton playing Tejada. “Hey, Miggy, do you have diabetes?” Cut to: Tejada holding a syringe. Tejada, “Yes. Blood sugar low.” Though that song the daughter sings is hella (do the kids still say this?) catchy. Should’ve changed the lyrics though: I’m just a GM stuck in Oakland… I’m kind of sick of being so broke and having my team get to the playoffs only to choke. Slow it down, make it stop… Miguel Tejada’s arms look like their gonna pop… BTW, if you wanna read movie reviews, my friend has a movie review blog. Preseason Rank #62, 2011 Projections: 50/6/35/.260/22, Final Numbers: 69/8/54/.264/49
I said three days ago that Brian Wilson was probably headed for a DL stint. And now he’s on the DL. Confession: I’m a time traveler! And not for stocks or gambling Biff-style, I use my foresight for fantasy baseball. To recap what I’ve been saying, I said three days ago that Brian Wilson– Wait, I should recap from a little further back. Ramon Ramirez already has two saves, so that’s who I’d grab first. Affeldt could get some saves, you just need to put up with his annoying duck. Casilla may sneak into the picture, but I wouldn’t go deeper than one of these guys unless you’re very desperate. Though remember closers can smell desperation and you’ll never get any saves like that. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we get into the roundup, I just wanted to announce that this afternoon there will be announcement. So this is the announcement’s announcement. The pre-nouncement? If you’ve been around the last three Augusts for our announcements, then this shouldn’t come as that huge of announcement. But act surprised anyway, would you please? Anyway II, the roundup:
Jordan Lyles – Was sent to Triple-A. Hope he gets one of their TourBooks. They have so many great coupons!
Alex Rodriguez – 0-for-5 as he returned from the DL. Bee tee dubya, he has 13 homers on the year. Where does he get drafted next year? Fifth round? Sixth? Hasn’t been drafted that low since he started hanging out with his cousin.
Eduardo Nunez – 1-for-4 with a steal. More importantly, he played even as A-Rod returned. Though, I wouldn’t count on that continuing. Jeter DH’d yesterday, but he won’t do that every day.
Curtis Granderson – 1-for-4 with a slam & legs. Now has 35 homers and 24 steals. Is he in the MVP conversation at all?
Derek Holland – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER as Holland gave his owners a Dutch oven.
Tyler Flowers – 2-for-3, 3 runs, has now hit in 6 of 7 games. In one league where we lost Eli Whiteside (yeah, it’s a deep league; no, we didn’t get extra points for owning Whiteside because he sounds like herring), I added Flowers.
Ryan Braun – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI with his 25th and 26th steal. He has no business stealing 26 bases, yet he goes out there and does just that for your fantasy team. How sexy is he? I want his swimsuit calendar.
Casey McGehee – 1-for-4 with his 9th homer. Hasn’t really gotten hot all year, and I still wouldn’t say he is now, but he is hitting near .333 over the last week. That’s McOkayhee.
Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. I haven’t given Hudson much fanfare this year, so here goes. With a 3.01 ERA and a 1.07 WHIP, he’s been my most reliable starter on multiple teams and wish I owned him on every team, which is saying something since his Ks are pretty yawnstipating. Thank you, Tim, for letting me love a non-strikeout pitcher. Though, if you could ramp up the Ks, you’d be really awesome.
Adam Lind – Out with a sore wrist. Should be able to return on Tuesday. Canada waits.
Luis Perez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks and 4 Ks. Late-blooming southpaw that ran up against a good matchup yesterday vs. the A’s. I wouldn’t look at him outside of deep AL-Only leagues. Could get some Ks, will probably get mollywhopped.
Frank Francisco – Scratched with a sore shoulder. Well, stop scratching it! Francisco has actually been decent recently, but if the shoulder’s a problem, it won’t matter. Since Rauch is off seeing a giraffe doctor, Casey Janssen or Shawn Camp would see saves.
Rafael Furcal – Tripped over a rope and sprained his thumb. He should’ve stuck with hopscotch.
Yadier Molina – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers, three this weekend. This had to be more than just the wind blowing out at Wrigley. I’m guessing the entire Molina family, including Alfred, was sitting behind home plate blowing.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER. Um, dubya tee eff? Last week I joked that Cleveland should raise the mound a mile above sea level, but I joke when I don’t think there’s any reason to worry. Now, I’m kinda troubled. Or troubaldo. If he gets beat badly his next time out by the peasant Royals, might be time to discard.
Jacoby Ellsbury – Sat out with a back bruise after being plunked. Eric Plunk, “Someone owes me a nickel!”
Ryan Lavarnway – 2-for-4. Playing DH (do you play it?) which has me concerned. If he only DHs then only pinch hits when Papi returns, will Lavarnway lose his catcher eligibility going into next year? Probably moot since the Sawx will most likely let him start 2012 in the minors. Cust pondering.
Craig Kimbrel – Recorded his 39th save. Has 101 Ks, 1.72 ERA and 1.01 WHIP. Member how Tony Gwynn used to watch hours of pitcher videos while eating donuts? I think Kimbrel watched hours of a young Mariano.
James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 7 ER vs. the Mariners. Huh? I feel like the box score had a typo.
Brandon Belt – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Great, wonderful, gronderful! But he hasn’t been playing every day so you might need to platoon him in and out of your fantasy lineup for right now.
Casper Wells – 2-for-4 with his 10th homer. As all of Casper’s fans boo. BTW, on Saturday I went to this karaoke place and this one guy was awful so I stood near the stage and started booing him. Loudly. He got rattled and started messing up the words (worse), so I booed louder. I got a kick out of it, but apparently he didn’t. He threw down the mic, shouted “Oh, that’s it!” and charged after me. Luckily (for me and my mustache), three bouncers got to him before he got to me.
Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Before this game, I told someone in our fantasy baseball forums that I wouldn’t start Pineda again until he pitched well. Well (stutterer!), this was a decent start.
Nick Blackburn – Left the game with a forearm strain. Maybe it was straining to be a fivearm.
Ben Revere – 1-for-4 with his 2nd game in a row with a steal. SAGNOF!
James McDonald – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. McDonald was then replaced by Grilli. I prefer the McGriddli.
Garrett Jones – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a home run as he continues to stay hot with his 2nd homer in the last five games.
Joel Hanrahan – 2/3 IP, 2 ER. Hanrahanananan is obviously strugglinginginging right now, but his season ERA is still at 1.76 so, ya know, don’t be ungrateful.
Carlos Quentin – Might end up on the DL with a sprained AC joint. That sucks, humidity this time of the year is killer.
Peter Bourjos – 3-for-5 with his third homer of the weekend. I’m telling you right now, there’s gonna be a sleeper post about him sometime in January and I’m gonna go cacacuckoo for him again next year.
Danny Espinosa – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Corspinosa is alive! He tends to be streaky so if he’s out there, I’d give him another chance if you’re hurting with your middle infidel.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-5 as he also homered yesterday. It must’ve been Zombie Day in Nationals Park.
Seth Smith – 1-for-2 with a slam & legs. If someone asked me what’s the bare minimum you should get from your fifth outfielder in a 12 team mixed league, I’d say look at The Lisper’s Nightmare’s stats.
Ivan Nova – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Honestly, I don’t trust him. This start was vs. the Twins who have Plouffe, the guy who sounds like the noise a turd makes when it hits the toilet water, hitting second. If you’re chasing wins, I could see going with Nova, but chasing wins is a losing proposition. (<–Turn of a phrase point!)
Roy Halladay – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Was lifted after a rain delay then Schwimer took over. All I can say is thank God he’s no longer making movies.
Jimmy Rollins – Left the game with a groin injury. Wouldn’t surprise me to see this be a DL stint since the Phils will just want everyone healthy for the playoffs. As Jimmy gets older, maybe he should ease back a little to Strollins.
Ryan Madson – 2/3 IP, 6 ER on Friday. Madson, the Phils already have one Bastardo in the bullpen. Please. Wasn’t used in a save situation on Sunday, which was then blown by Bastardo and followed by Lidge losing the game. I think Madson will be fine, was just a big giant blip.
Matt Wieters – 6 for his last 12 and his 12th homer yesterday. Pretty whatever season from him so far, but if he were to hit five homers in the last month plus, his season would still look a’ight with definite promise for next year. He really needs a big last month though. Either way, I’m still gonna go all in with him next year again, assuming he’s drafted late, which he should be at this rate.
Bobby Parnell – Mets said Izzy will see some saves still, but then Izzy went out on Sunday and gave up one run and on Saturday he gave up 4 runs. They say the 301st save is always the toughest.
Let’s change the way we eat, let’s change the way we live and let’s change the Twins closer. Joe Nathan is now the closer with two saves this weekend. As I kinda said last week, Matt Capps was pitching so bad, he picked up Joe Nathan in his fantasy league. And that’s me paraphrasing me! Since Joe Nathan and Ron Gardenhire met on match.com many years ago, their relationship has blossomed from heated affair to full blown love. They’re even Facebook official. Assuming Nathan doesn’t cough up five leads in the matter of a week, he should have the closer job for the rest of the season. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Scott Baker – Placed on the DL with a muscle strain in his elbow, but is only supposed to miss one more start. Mr. Baker also sounds like a Clue character. Speaking of which, Clue has been updated, which makes me feel old. There’s no more conservatory or lead pipe. Now it’s shizz like, “Colonel Mustard in the spa with the trophy.” I guess a lead pipe was too scary sounding. So murdering someone with a common object like a trophy isn’t scary? Also, Colonel Mustard in a spa? He’s a decorated officer! Clue, that’s a fail with a hashtag.
Ryan Braun – Has no get up and go because he had da calf on ice. Could be back on Monday.
John Axford – K-Rod waived his option so the Brewers could use him in any capacity, which is north of tenacity. So the Brewers chose to use K-Rod to setup Axford this weekend. “I beat up my father-in-law over much less.” Right now, you have to hold both K-Rod and Axford, but it looks like Axford is the first choice.
Jose Reyes – Supposed to return on Tuesday. I’ll believe it when I see it. “Grey, you have no faith in medicine.” That’s Jack White reading Razzball.
Jason Isringhausen – The Mets said it would be a closer by committee. Is anything done better by committee besides jerk seasoning, which is flavor by committee? Mets also said Isringhausen would get first crack, but I still believe that’s to raise his trade value.
Blake Beavan – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Has a pretty hideous K-rate, i.e., Blake not so lively. Also, Bedard’s either going to take his rotation spot or he’s going to pitch in Fenway next.
Mike Carp – Was recalled on Sunday. No relation to Mike Trout. Carp hit 21 homers in 65 games in the PCL, which is like hitting with an aluminum bat on the moon. He also doesn’t have guaranteed playing time. Obviously he’s worth a flyer right now in AL-Only leagues.
Matt Harrison – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Harrison now has an ERA of 2.91, my sweet lord. I wouldn’t pick him up because of his walks and lack of Ks, but he proves the theory that the best spot starter is the pitcher facing the Mariners in Safeco (followed closely by the Padres in Petco).
Shaun Marcum – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks and the win in Coors. Kind of start I really don’t mind being sonavabenched on. Marcum also left with a stiff neck, but he just got a Viagra stuck in his throat and should be fine for his next start.
Kyle Kendrick – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 0 Ks. I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.
Ryan Madson – 2/3 IP, 1 ER. Madson always seems to struggle when it’s being reported that he could lose his job in the near future. Stop watching Lifetime movies in the bullpen and cowboy up!
Chase Utley – 0-for-4 with his 9th steal, but only has 4 homers on the year. To fix his knee, did the doctors attach his arms to hips and put his legs on his shoulders?
Josh Beckett – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 0 walks and 6 Ks vs. Jeff Niemann (8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 2 walks, 10 Ks). Lower the mound! Beckett’s obviously an ace this year. As for Neimann, I don’t trust him because of his usually pedestrian K-rate, but this was obviously a great start against a tough team, which followed his great start vs. the Yankees. He gets the Royals and A’s next.
Alex Presley – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 4th steal. Jose Tabata who?! Um, the guy that’s going to return and take Presley’s spot. Yeah, I’m not sure how this is gonna shake out yet, but that doesn’t mean you can’t grab Presley in the mean’s while.
Brett Gardner – 3-for-4, 3 runs and 2 steals. Since May 1st, he’s hitting .318 with 22 steals. Cust kayin’.
Phil Hughes – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Hasn’t gone more than 90 pitches in any start this year. Cashman must be fine-tuning Joba Rules. Guess it’s better than Pavano Rules, which was hit Pavano over the head with a blunt object and bury him in the Pine Barrens.
Travis Snider – 2-for-4 and a steal. Hitting over .400 in the last week with three steals in the last 4 games. Russell Martin says, “You’re welcome.”
Zack Cozart – 2-for-4, hitting .400 since his call up and yesterday he homered. See, the Reds didn’t even need to go to the free clinic to rid themselves of their bad case of the Renteria’s.
Homer Bailey – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks and Bailey didn’t get hurt. It’s an early Christmas miracle!
Felipe Paulino – 7 Ip, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. That’s eight baserunners and eight Ks, not infinity. Though it may as well be for Paulino.
Grady Sizemore – Day-to-day with a knee contusion. His career trajectory is the exact opposite of everyone else who has ever taken nude photos of themselves.
Matt Wieters – 2-for-4 with a homer off Frank Herrmann. When I saw Herrmann’s last name, it made me think of one of those spray painted, graffiti shirts you and your significant other got when you were fifteen. I wonder if his wife has an Indians jersey with the last name, Hisgirl.
Nick Punto – His elbow is forcing him out for the year. Sounds like his elbow probably owns Punto in fantasy.
Chase Headley – Might need an MRI on Monday for his calf. BTW, what do you call Padre hitters that you only own in deep leagues? Deep Friars.
Danny Espinosa – 3-for-5 with his 17th homer and just missed his 18th. Anyone that has doubts about him hasn’t seen him swing the bat. On a side note, Davey Johnson came out to argue the just miss was a home run and he looks like one of those computer-aged photos of what JFK would look like now. One small step for the Nats, I suppose.
Tom Gorzelanny – Variety reported he was ankled from his start.
Jair Jurrjens – 5 IP, 6 ER as the Fangraphs Database laughed maniacally.
Mike Stanton – Hit two home runs on Saturday to bring his season total to 20. I say he hits 40+ homers next year, assuming the Mayans are wrong and there is a next year. “Why are we buying a new calender?” That’s a young Mayan talking to his elder in December.
Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4, 2 runs. Emily Boneface has the highest OBP for a leadoff hitter, has stolen 6 bases in the last week, has a 16-game hitting streak and calculated pi to 2.7 trillion decimal places.
Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-4 with a satisfying slam & legs. Hitting .383 in July with 4 homers and 2 steals. Jack McKeon just knows how to talk to the kids!
Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners (no walks), 10 Ks. That’s as impressive as I’ve seen Vazquez this year. If he’s available in any leagues, I’d get on board for his next start vs. the Padres.
Vladimir Guerrero – To the DL with a small fracture in his hand after being hit by a pitch. Orioles knew there was something wrong when Vlad saw a pitch and didn’t swing the bat.
David Aardsma – Went for Tommy John surgery. In related news, Tommy John is collecting nickels for all the times he’s mentioned. “Who needs the Hall of Fame? I got nickels, snitches!”
Peter Bourjos – To the DL, but Trout looks pretty overmatched so far. Might want to look elsewhere. In keepers, you obviously ignore early results.
Jeff Keppinger – 3-for-5 and Blanco Polanco now has homers in back-to-back games. He’s like jarred salsa; he’s not very hot, but he’ll still give you indigestion.
Matt Downs – Out while his wife, Leah, has a child. Yes, her name is Leah Downs. I’d say!
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. He’s always brilliant at home. BTW, realizing that every good pitching park ends in co — Petco, Safeco, Metco — Oakland’s stadium now goes by O.co, which I’m not even sure how to pronounce. How about, “What the eff.co?” Senior exec, “Corporate’s coming down hard on us to rebrand ourselves.” Junior exec, “How about a name that no one can pronounce?” Senior exec, “I’m gonna tell our boss that just so you’re fired, Stevens!” Later that day, Boss, “A name we can’t pronounce? That’s crazy enough to work!”
Dan Uggla has now homered in two straight games, but, more importantly, he has two other hits in those games, making him hotter than a junebug on a duck’s back or some other yokelism they say in The South. That’s at least compared to how he looked like Rocky Dennis on all his swings prior to this week. That’s if Rocky Dennis wore Affliction. “Yo, yo, yo, whaddup, boss? Get another round of Flaming Nads for my lady friends!” That’s Dan Uggla at Senor Frog’s. (BTW, it looks like the 3rd Giambi brother in the background of that Uggla picture.) I don’t think Uggla can get his average much higher than .230, but he’s still more than capable of getting to 30 homers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks as he continues to defy his FIP. BTW, if you were in a fantasy league with Murray Chass, you’d be getting your ass handed to you. “Hey, Grey, I just traded Alexi Ogando to Murray Chass!” That’s you two months before you’re throwing darts at a board with my picture.
Joe Mauer – It’s being said that he will start at 1st on Thursday after he sat out yesterday with general soreness. Does General Soreness report to Major Discomfort?
Francisco Liriano – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. First, he strung together a month of such terrible starts, you were forced to bench him… When he threw a no-hitter. Then you have to put him back in your lineup and he looks awful again. So you bench him and he turns in another gem. Then he goes to the DL and returns with a nice start that you bench him for because you weren’t sure if he was healthy. Finally, you roll him out there and he pitches terrible again. You bench him and he’s great. You start him and he’s awful. You bench him, and he shows up at your house with pictures of him and your mother having sex. By my rough calculations, I’ve been sonavabenched by him 6 times and have an ERA of over 15.00 for when I’ve started him. Liriano and I are done, finished, synonym. I never want to see him on my team again.
Joe Nathan – Gardenhire, which is what I need to cut the ivy on my building, said that Nathan would’ve got the ball in the ninth if there was a save opportunity. Then he said Capps is still the closer. I think he just wanted to see some double takes.
Bronson Arroyo – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. He said that he woke up Monday with vertigo. This was almost as bad as when he woke up with The Man Who Knew Too Much.
Jay Bruce – Hit his 19th homer after going to Barbados for the better part of June. Nice to see you return, Bruce.
Michael Young – Hitting .328 after going 9 for his last 12. The Rangers DH slot is like the fountain of youth (see Vlad from last year, Sammy Sosa in 2007). They should adopt Hafner. Just give him Kevin Mench’s old hat.
Mike Napoli – 1-for-4 with his 11th homer as he triggers a dozen “Should I pick up Napoli?” questions.
Jose Reyes – Remained out of the lineup with a bad case of “If I get injured more severely then kiss my big offseason contract goodbye and hello a short contract with the godforsaken Mets.” He says he’ll return Thursday.
Placido Polanco – Out until at least this weekend with a pinched nerve in his back. I’m guessing he’s gonna need a 15-day DL stint, but I’m not a doctor though I did fall asleep while watching a Scrubs rerun last night.
John Mayberry – 2-for-4 with 2 homers. Aunt Bee would be proud.
Ryan Braun – His MRI showed some inflammation in his calf. He should return on Friday. Not sure how Sandy Koufax would feel about him returning on Shabbos, especially if he’s going to be sacrificing a calf.
Casey McGehee – Came in as a pinch-hitter after being benched for the 2nd time in 4 games and hit a 3-run HR. At least I think it was McGehee, but the Chorizo from the 7th inning stretch race was conspicuously absent from all post-game press conferences. I said about a week or so ago I think McGehee can turn his season around to a certain extent. Though that “to a certain extent” is sitting on the fence between yay and meh.
Yovani Gallardo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. After his June 4th start, he had a 3.72 ERA and now his ERA is 3.76. See, he’s consistent! /sarcasm
Kelly Johnson – 1-for-3 with his 15th home run to go along with his .217 AVG and .298 OBP. And 100 strikeouts. Kelly Johnson, Dan Uggla, and Aaron Hill should create a white-soul group entitled 2B3K.
Mark Trumbo – Hit his 14th home run yesterday. Ready to have your mind blown? He’s on pace for 25 homers and 14 steals. Youkilis has 12 homers and 1 steal.
Lonnie Chisenhall – Hit his 1st major league HR. It’s the first HR by a Lonnie since Lonnie Smith in 1993 and the first HR ever by a Chisenhall. Suck it, all you other ball-playin’ Chisenhalls!
Jon Jay – Didn’t start, but The Federalist entered the game and homered off CoCo Cordero in the ninth to tie the game. Jon Jay really banged the gavel on that one.
Anibal Sanchez – 4 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners in his 2nd straight bad start. Hard to get too scared since those starts were @TEX and against PHI. Easy to get scared if he added a C or H in front of his first name.
Jacoby Ellsbury – Got the slam & legs and now on pace for a 20 HR/55 SB year. Just what the Red Sox were expecting when they invested $140 million on him in free agency. Oh wait, they gave that money to Carl Crawford who is on pace for a 12/18 year. I’d say Carl owes Jacoby a Sam Adams or two but I can’t see them hanging out. Maybe if Jacoby was named Lenny or if Crawford was named Meyers.
Guillermo Moscoso – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks against the Mariners. He’s thrown a 2.25 ERA over his last 40 IP which netted one win thanks to the A’s un-A lineup. That’s far from so-so, Moscoso! Rudy cashed in on this as an AL-only flier. But given his sad K-rate (27 K’s in 50 IP), he’s purely a matchup play in mixed league.
Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer. I don’t wanna say too much on his recent hot streak for fear of the stache jinx. Or stinx, if portmanteaus are your thing.
Danny Espinosa – 1-for-4 with his 16th home run and 10th steal. But the national spotlight is on Jeter?!
Aramis Ramirez – Another day, another homer. Did Sosa leave behind one of his rubber ball bats? Or ball shrinking needles?
Carlos Pena – Hit his 18th homer. I thought we just came out of one of his 8 homer in 12 game streaks. My man Pena is hungry!
Chase D’Arnaud – 1-for-3 and a steal. 13 games, 5 steals, 4 errors. He’s like Mat Gamel after seven Red Bulls. If it makes you feel better, I grabbed D’Arnaud in one league for steals.
Clint Barmes – This is a super low energy recommendation but he’s 4 for his last 8 with a homer and a steal.
Phil Hughes – 5 IP, 8 baserunners, 2 ER, 2 Ks in his first start back since his dead arm diaspora. Maybe his arm has gone from dead to just resting.
Johnny Damon – Will miss a few games with a left hand contusion. Don’t know why he doesn’t just play and throw with his right hand, probably same difference.
Evan Longoria – 3-for-5 with 1 HR and 4 RBIs after going 2 for his last 26. It’s that type of erratic behavior that led Tony Parker to cheat on him.
Vernon Wells – He said of his recent success swinging the bat, “Being comfortable in the box allows you to think about the most important thing, which is hitting the ball. When you’re out of sorts mechanically, you’re thinking about that in the box, and all of a sudden the ball is on top of you.” What type of sex does Vernon Wells have?
