Fantasy Baseball Advice

Francisco Rodriguez will miss the rest of the season; he needs surgery to repair a torn ligament in his thumb that he injured in his sparring match.  Cut me, Mackey Sasser, cut me!  On a not that serious but kinda serious note, besides Nolan Ryan, are all pitchers the wimpiest athletes?  Coach, I have a hangnail, I think you’re gonna have to scratch me.  No, not on my back, I mean from the game. BTW, is there a wimpier word than wimpy?  You know who really sounds like a wimp?  The person using the word wimp.  Seriously, tell me a weaker sentence in the English language than, “You’re such a wimp.”  Wait, I know one, “I hurt myself punching my kids’ grandfather.”  I think the saves will go to Hisanori Takahashi, who notched the save yesterday, Bobby Parnell then Feliciano, in that order.  Maybe now my catchphrase from a few years back that never caught on “Au Bon Japan!” will catch on.  In most leagues, I’d ignore this shituation.  If you really need saves, you know what you need to do.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jon Niese – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Really only has one bad start since June, kinda should be owned everywhere.  Plus, between innings, they showed him jumping rope while filming a workout video.

Matt Lindstrom – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, technically it was a Kazaam, but Lindstrom’s been battling back woes and I have to think they’re still an issue.  Hold Lyon for now.  Rawr!

Nelson Cruz – Landed back on the DL yesterday or as Cruz calls it, Monday.  Will this guarantee the already hot David Murphy continues to get a-bees?  Sí.

Cliff Lee – 7 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Obviously he wasn’t himself because he walked one hitter.

Miguel Tejada – 4-for-5 and 9 for his last 14.  He’s really doing nothing, except hitting for average over the last few days, but there ya go.

Russell Branyan – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in three games.  You know who picked him up for their short schedule lineup?  Yours truly!  Yours Truly, “No, I didn’t.”  No, I meant me.  Yours Truly, “You don’t know how often that happens.”

Adam Jones – 3-for-5 to raise his average to .285.  Wow, when did he start hitting .285?  That was a trick question, I just told you.  Jones is hitting .390 in August.  Unfortunately, he hit 2 homers in July and 2 homers so far in August and one steal in both months combined.

James McDonald – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Like a hot knife through butter!  I might be a damn fool for this, but I like McDonald.  He has 27 Ks in 25 1/3 IP.  In 17 2/3 IP as a Pirate, he’s only thrown 4 BBs while notching 20 Ks.  No, I wouldn’t go crazy with myself over him in a 10 team league, but he could be valuable in deep leagues.

Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4 with the slam & legs.  Those are delicious, aren’t they?

Ryan Doumit – 0-for-4 as he played right field while Snyder caught.  Don’t think this is the smartest of moves by the Pirates, but it could help with at-bats for both.

Shaun Marcum – 9 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 5 Ks.  Another day, another one-hitter.  Ho-hum.  It struck me last night that if you had only owned Romero, Marcum, Cecil, Morrow and Gregg, you’d have a 3.66 ERA with 545 Ks, 41 Wins and 27 saves in 602 IP.  I’m not sure what that means, but it depresses me.

Javier Vazquez – 4 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  If he gets hit in his next start vs. the M’s, I’d drop him in most leagues.

Ryan Raburn – Hit his 3rd homer in his last 4 games.  He has 2nd base eligibility; don’t make me keep harping on him.

Jose Valverde – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER.  Nice that they hold him out for two days with a strained abdominal then throw him for 38 pitches over two innings.  Maybe Leyland planned to take him out, but went for a smoke break.  I’d hold Perry on my bench if I were desperate for saves.

Chad Billingsley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks as he threw his 6th straight quality start, but was once again the tough luck loser.  Not sure why, but I never own dumb luck winners.  While December Grey churns out 2011 rookie and sleeper posts, I might take a pilgrimage to Mecca to try and turn my Win Karma around for next year.

Hong-Chih Kuo – 1 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  Joe Torre (or was it Paul Sorvino?) got greedy and brought Kuo into the 8th inning for the two inning save, but Kuo got into trouble in the ninth and gave way to…

Octavio Dotel – Who promptly blew the save when Melky creamed him.  This might be an elaborate plot to make Broxton look good.

Jamey Carroll – 2-for-4 with his 3rd steal in his last 4 games.  Jamey had 4 bags, but Frank McCourt took one back, screaming, “No one makes Frank a cuckold!”

Bryce Harper – Signed by the Nats for $9.9 million.  No word on how much of that goes for royalties to The Ultimate Warrior.

Mike Pelfrey went from totally chic to totally geek in the matter of 4 starts.  Last night, he dropped a 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER bomb and now he’s staring at nickels.  Pardon the wavy lines as we jump in The Way Back Machine and see what I said in April, “His K-rate prior to 2010 was pretty poor.  Even this year, it’s only a little above his career mark.  His biggest adjustment so far seems to be his ability to avoid the homer ball and leave men on base.  He can be usable as a 4th fantasy starter, especially in Metco.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!  Nothing’s really changed other than he’s no longer leaving men on base, his homers have gone up (literally) and his lack of Ks are catching up to him.  Hmm… Maybe some stuff has changed.  He had a 1.98 ERA at Metco prior to last night, so that’s still a nice matchup start, but Pelfrey is no longer a must own.  At 109 IP on the year and only 67 Ks, he’s a notch below Jon Garland in K-rate.  I just popped a zit in the mirror and spelled out, “You can probably do better than Pelfrey.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jose Reyes – Supposed to return on Tuesday.  I really want to believe this, but the Met doctors are a joke.  Did they go to that med school Steve Guttenberg went in Bad Medicine?

Shin-Soo Choo – Thumb-Soo Blue now might need surgery and could be out for the season.  Is this all a ploy for him to avoid his army service time?  We must have a commenter in Canada who could take him in.  Volunteers?

Mike Gonzalez – Won’t return until after the All-Star break.  As previously mentioned, Alfredo will continue to get saves now and when Mike G. first returns.  From there, I imagine names will go into Juan Samuel’s hat and he’ll pull one out.  Hey, New ERA’s now the closer! Um, that’s the tag.

Jake Fox – 3-for-5 and now has 2 homers in his last two starts.  Not starting every day, but I’d grab him now in AL-Only leagues and watch closely how his playing time shakes out for mixed leagues.  Hey, New ERA’s now starting at 1st base! Still the tag, Juan.

Chase Utley – Saying he won’t need the full 8 weeks of recovery time.  I believe Utley can return early.  Still, a hand issue that won’t have him on the field until late-August isn’t something you should go out of your way to acquire.

Roy Halladay – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Braves.  It’s one thing to face Halladay, but I can’t even imagine how difficult it must’ve been for the Braves with Russia still occupying Georgia.

Cliff Lee – Supposedly, the Phillies were scouting The Adverb.  I wonder if the scout went to Vegas, got himself a hooker and some blow while pretending to scout Cliff Lee because HE WAS JUST ON THEIR TEAM!  Whoa, Cap’n Caps, easy.  SORRY.

Russell Branyan – Now has three homers since joining the Mariners.  Had 31 homers last year and has 13 now.  You do the math!

Jose Valverde – 1 IP, 2 ER, Kazaam!

Jonathan Sanchez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Man, that WHIP is messy.  What a slob!  No wonder he goes by Filthy Sanchez.  According to me.  But we’ll pretend he goes by that on every site on the interwebs.

Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-4 and batting .269.  Maybe he’s uncomfortable carrying around those extra 75 pounds.  Let’s get him and the Sandovals on Losing It With Jillian.  I’d love to see Sandoval’s family all try to lose weight together.  “Mama, did you put extra mayonnaise on my lard sandwich?”  Mama Sandoval looks guilty then, “No.”

Buster Posey - 2-for-4 with his third homer.  All he does is hit homers (once a week).

Tom Gorzelanny – 5 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’ve seen better starts, but let’s be clear about something.  Gorzelanny isn’t an ace.  He’s a number five fantasy starter.  He still has a 3.31 ERA on the year and is worth starting in favorable matchups.

Ian Kennedy – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Member when I said to lose him in last week’s Buy/Sell?  Yup.

Adam LaRoche – Hit his 13th homer yesterday in the Diamondbacks’ 83rd game.  LaRoche meet 2nd half of the 162 game schedule, 2nd half say wassup to LaRoche.

Krispie Young – 2-for-3, 2 steals while hitting leadoff.  Now has 15 homers and 16 steals on the year.  Yeah, Krispie’s been better than your other outfielders.  Yup, even that one.

Kosuke Fukudome – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer.  Keep in mind his playing time is very iffy right now but he gets crazy hot for a week or two at a time.  This game might’ve be the start of something.  Either way, the choice is yours.  Doo, da, dippity.

Geovany Soto – 3-for-4, 2 Runs and 2 RBIs.  Somehow the Cubs pulled out the win with Koyie Hill on the bench.

Alexei Ramirez – Now has two homers in two games while hitting over .400 in the last week.  Definitely worth owning though I’m not sure where his steals have been this year.  Did they have visa issues?

Carlos Quentin – Hit 2 homers yesterday.  Frequent commenter, Steve, summed up the thoughts of current Quentin owners yesterday when he said, “Oh, Quentin, I am so glad I drafted you/dropped you/picked you up/dropped you again/picked you back up.”

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Hasn’t allowed more than 2 runs in a start in over a month.  Yeah, you should own him.

Bobby Jenks – Pitched in the 8th inning of 7-1 game.  I know what you’re thinking, “What’s Ozzie thinking?”  Good question.  Ozzie supposedly wants Jenks to get some action before being the closer again because he was away on bereavement leave.  And Ozzie wants to confuse fantasy owners.  That too.  I’d grab Thornton if he’s available.

Dayan Viciedo – Hit his first major league homer.  Worth monitoring in AL-Only leagues (as if you don’t have enough to do!), but his playing time has been sporadic.

Mark Teixeira – Hit his 14th homer yesterday.  PABST (Post All-Star Break Stats Teixeira) getting a jump on the All-Star break so I guess this was a premature jacking.

Jayson Nix – 2 homers in yesterday’s game.  Jaymes Nix got drunk and called Laynce to ask him how come he can’t be more like Jayson.

Matt Garza – 3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  Of course I sat Garza when he pitched well last week in Fenway and started him yesterday for this crizzap at home.  Of course, I did!  When I yell obscenities at telemarketers, I call them Garza.

Eric Patterson – 2 homers and now has 6 homers on the year.  Not quite as bonkers as it sounds… Okay, it’s a little bonkers, but he hit 14 homers in Triple-A one year and 12 homers in Triple-A last year.  For those desperate for anything at MI, you could probably do worse.

Matt LaPorta – LaPo hit another homer yesterday then was removed with a head bruise from his collision with Andrus.  After the bump on the head, LaPorta thought he was Ginger from Gilligan’s Island.

Joey Votto – Hit 2 homers.  Yeah, but Omar Infante can play 4 positions.

Erik Bedard – Was due to pitch on Tuesday, but he’s dealing with a stiff shoulder.  We’re actually lucky this happened.  If Bedard came back while Ben Sheets was healthy, that would’ve caused a major shift in the Time VORP Continuum.

Chase Utley was placed on the 15-day DL with a sprained thumb and he might need surgery.  This injury opens up a big gaping hole in his owners’ hearts that can only be filled with junk food and hardcore drugs.  Utley may not have been playing his weight in pomade, but at least you had him out there.  At night when you crawled into your Michelob-scented bedsheets, your head hit the pillow knowing that if nothing else Utley was healthy.  Looks like you’re going to have to dust off the “Sounds of the Ocean” CD you used to help you sleep when your wife left you.  Phillies will turn to Wilson Valdez, Juan Catastrophe and Brian Bocock, whose surname is bad enough without me altering it.   Hopefully your options are better.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Placido Polanco – Crapolanco also heads off to the DL.  Too bad because he was leading David Wright in All-Star votes for 3rd base.  Hold on, whaaaaa???  Oh.  Wait, what?  If his vote tally goes up while he’s on the DL, I’m gonna suggest players can’t vote for themselves.

Chris Carpenter – As reported here before I ever read it elsewhere then re-reporting it after I did read it elsewhere, Carp could miss his next start because of the comebacker he took off his forearm.

Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  ESPN dedicated three minutes to Pujols yesterday with only two mentions of Strasburg.

Felipe Lopez – 4-for-5 with a steal and 6 for his last 9.  Worth taking a look at if you lost Pedroia or Utley.

David Freese – Is on ice for 15 days with a sprained right ankle.  Or as doctors call it, “a rankle.”

Dexter Fowler – As Hawpe nurses his ribs back to succulency, the Rockies called up a Razzball favorite, Dexter Fowler.  Fowler still doesn’t have an everyday job in the outfield.  Can the Rockies please ship off Hawpe and Spilborghs?  Fowler has great speed and good on base skills.  If he gets starts, I’ll be more excited.  I still grabbed him in all but one league where I was beat to the punch by Behrens.  Behrens!

Joel Zumaya – Will miss the rest of the season with a displaced fracture of his… It hurts just to type it.  It’s not good.  Let’s move on.

Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-4, 2 homers.  Looked like his Mummy knees were starting to unravel in June (4 homers, .229 this month), but last night was a nice sign of life.  (Of course I was sonavabenched by him last night, but that’s my ulcer.)

Ryan Doumit – 2-for-3 with his 7th homer.  Been Doumit out power since June 5th, but he’s the type to hit them in bunches like a horny monkey.

John Lackey - 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  That’s cool, I dropped him in a league yesterday.  I’m done with this schmohawk.  You can’t start him at home, in away games he’s taking on the Yanks, Rays and 1927 Blue Jays.  It’s over for Lackey and I.  I should’ve never drafted him to begin with.  Have a nice life, don’t write!

Bill Hall – 1-for-3 and a homer as he filled in for Pedroia.  Hopefully Hall’s brother doesn’t follow the lead of Dustin’s brother, Pedo Pedroia.

Adrian Beltre – 4-for-4 as he hits .349 on the year.  That translates to .270 at Safeco and .220 in a non-contract year.

Carl Crawford – 4-for-5 and a steal as he pulled back on the road after his shoulder issue.

B.J. Upton – Sat out, but the dork in the Buddy Holly glasses said it wasn’t because of his argument with Longoria.  Longoria said, “Yes, it was.”

Roger Bernadina – 1-for-4 with a steal.  Has now hit in nine of his last ten games, though he only has one multi-hit game in there.  He’s making a case for the leadoff spot and has shown some power and speed with 5 homers and 7 steals in 162 ABs while batting near .300.  It’s not spectacular, but in deep leagues it’s worth the flyer.

Joey Votto – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer.  I <3 Votto.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks as the Leake floods your ERA basement.  You guys had a good run.  Get his address and you can write to him when he’s on someone else’s team.

Gavin Floyd – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Has now strung together 5 solid starts.

J.J. Putz – Got the save as Jenks continues to be away from the team.  Jenks will return within the next day or so, but this does tell us a bit about what Ozzie is thinking regarding Thornton and Putz.  Worth noting in case Jenks is traded.

Russell Branyan – 1-for-4 as he hit 3rd.  Really?  He’s your three hole hitter?  This is like when you and your lady breakup because you’re a damn fool and thought the new girl would be so much better and let you play your video games and cook for you and laugh at your corny jokes.  Branyan is the new girl, he is not better than the old girl.

Nick Swisher – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  I almost sat him vs. The Adverb.  Sonavabenching averted.

Phil Hughes – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Looks like the Hughes Rules in regards to skipping his rotation turn is working as well as the Joba Rules.

Matt LaPorta – Back from the minors only a few games and already homered.  It’s a nice sign.  Those of you hurting for a decent corner infidel will want to keep an eye on LaPorta.  We might have a live one, ya’ll.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 0 for his last 12.  Yeah, his worth-owning streak might have officially come to a close.

Prince Fielder – He got a little “How’s your father?” in yesterday’s 2nd half hitter post and hit 2 homers yesterday.  And only one of them was a solo shot!

Wilson Betemit – 2-for-4 and is hitting .480 over his 25 ABs this year.  Not getting consistent playing time, but the peasant Royals may want to reconsider that.

Denard Span – 4-for-4, 3 Triples, 2 Runs and 5 RBIs.  Look at Denard Dawg getting it done.  Probably will have a career year for steals in 2010 with the way he’s cut down his caught stealings.

Pat Burrell – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer as he bats .344 so far with the Giants.  Maybe it’s good he’s in San Fran so he can focus on baseball and not girls.  No, not in that way.  He was going through a messy divorce in Tampa and said he was having a hard time focusing.  In San Fran, he can focus on nothing but bats and balls.  No, still not like that.

Clint Barmes – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Here’s another MI that you can look at if you just lost Utley.  Barmes can give you a couple of ropers while only hurting you in average.

Huston Street – Recorded his first save of the year.  Member when you drafted him and you thought he’d be healthy by mid-April?  Good times!

Manny Ramirez – Left the game with an injured hamstring.  Better get Vladimir Shpunt on the horn!

Matt Kemp – 2-for-4.  Until Manny was hurt, Kemp was out of the starting lineup for the third straight day.  In related Rihanna news, Chris Brown has a new single.

Mike Napoli – Hit his team-leading 14th homer yesterday as the Angels keep trying to shop him for some power.  Can’t make this stuff up.

Leo Nunez – 1 IP, 2 ER as he recorded the newly-coined glossary term, sphinctory.

Brad Lidge – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Lidge now has 5 saves, 2 blown saves and a 5.25 ERA.  Good that he has the closer mentality, because without that intangible he’d be out of a job.

Wilson Valdez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs as he hit a homer filling in for Utley.  After the game, he met with a youngster named, Wilson Beepee, to assure him his name won’t always elicit jeers.

If there’s one guy who can’t afford to lose a foot, it’s the five-three Dustin Pedroia.  As of post time, it’s not clear how long Pedroia will be out with his fractured foot.  My guess is 4 to 6 weeks.  One thing Scrappy Doo does is fight.  It’s a wonder he can carry around the over-sized baboon heart he’s got.  One thing Scrappy Doo doesn’t do (say that fast 117 times) is sit on the sidelines, but to paraphrase the Christian Slater/Marisa Tomei classic, Untamed Heart, “You love with your mind and soul, not your heart.  But you don’t hit with your mind and soul when you have a fractured foot.”  So while Dusty’s shelved, you need to find a replacement.  Some ways you can look for average?  Aviles or Kendrick.  Steals?  Figgy or Theriot.  RBIs?  Barmes or Guillen.  Runs?  Walker or Polanco.  All of these options depend on your league depth, obviously.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Clay Buchholz – Hyperextended his knee on Saturday, but the word on Lansdowne Street is he will avoid the DL and shouldn’t miss more than one start, even if that.  Good news indeed, he’s Clay aching but he should be back to filling your fantasy gloryhole soon.

Victor Martinez – Fractured his left thumb.  Yeah, that’s bad news.  Right now, the team is saying he might not need a DL stint.  DL stint or not, I can’t imagine this won’t effect his hitting.  You know, the, uh, reason you own him in fantasy.  Red Sox should borrow some steel-toed boots and body armor from The Rathskeller bouncers.

Carlos Zambrano – Big Z mad!  Big Z and Derrek Lee were seen going at in the dugout after Lee defended the Gatorade cooler’s honor.  Big Z suspended!  When he returns, he’ll be pitching out of the bullpen.  Maybe the Cubs can work out some kind of in-game nursery where Big Z nannies while on the bullpen bench.  Big Z nurtures!

Tyler Colvin – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs with his 10th homer as he hit leadoff.  I don’t think it continues, but there’s no reason why you shouldn’t own him now.

Carlos Marmol – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Paul Konerko – Hit his 20th homer while Vernon Wells hit his 19th as the Battle For Best Value From A Draft Pick That Everyone Yawned At continues.

Bobby Jenks – Left the club for a family emergency.  Thornton or Putz will fill in for him.  Or it could be Putz, Thornton.  Or maybe Thornton Putz the III.

Chris Narveson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Wow, this was a spectac–  Oh, this was vs. the Mariners.

John Axford – Recorded his 7th save.  Hoffman’s actually done enough to warrant the closer role again, but Axford hasn’t done anything to lose it.  That’s the pickle between the rock and the hard place.

Rickie Weeks – 4-for-5 as he hit his 13th homer.  All you Weeks owners out there, you’re playing with house money and I hope the Injury Reaper comes to collect soon.

Chone Figgins – Not sure if his shipment of Red Bull just came in, but he has 7 steals in his last 5 games.  Figgy Smalls is the stealie-est.

Russell Branyan – Acquired by the Mariners.  First, the Orioles acquire Jake Fox, now the M’s get Branyan.  Maybe the Pirates can get Xavier Nady next.  As for Branyan, his value stays the same.  He hits homers (10 in 171 ABs) and that’s about it.

Evan Longoria – Longoria and Upton went at it yesterday for Upton’s lack of hustle and the pass he made at Tony Parker.  I heard about the fight before seeing the replay (Upton was lollygagging), but it didn’t surprise me at all.  I was watching the Rays the other day and Upton hit a grounder that he wouldn’t have beat out, but he still could’ve ran down the line.  Someone should smack a 44-cent stamp on Eckstein’s forehead and ship him to Tampa so he can have an instructional seminar about running to first.  Or maybe we can have a three inning exhibition held during All-Star Game weekend with the All-Effort Team taking on the Effortless Team.

Brennan Boesch – 2-for-5 with his 12th homer.  Where have I heard his name before?  Oh, I know!  Every Razzball roundup for the last month.  Geez, you’d think I’d know since I’m the one in charge of cracking the whip at the 100 monkeys who write this shizz.

Tommy Hanson – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Kinda sucks if you own him, but I don’t so… Schadenfreude, snitches!

Johnny Damon – 1-for-4 with two steals.  Did Jules stab him in the heart with some adrenaline?  Man, did Damon get old fast.  He reminds me of Randy Winn.  You are not a better man than I, Jandy Dinn.

Brett Cecil – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Last time I talked about how Cecil could have a tired arm.  This time I’d like to say he’s unstartable.

Scott Baker – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Through 96 IP, he has 83 Ks to 19 BBs and his home games are in a pitcher’s park.  His 4.97 ERA just isn’t computing, but unless you and your leaguemates get together at the end of the year and discuss what your ERA should really be, you can’t afford to keep running Baker out there.

Jonathon Niese – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks and calmly explained to Julie why she shouldn’t call Heather B. “her sista.”

Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  If loving Choo’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Kerry Wood – Wood will be traded to someone, who will regret it, and Chris Perez will take over.  That’s your cue to grab Perez.

Matt LaPorta – Will take over for Branyan and play every day.  Decent flyer for AL-Only leagues and 20 team leagues that use only Cleveland Indian players.

Mitch Talbot – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and a 3.88 ERA on the year.  That’s nice, I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.

Jaime Garcia – 2 IP, 5 ER, 6 baserunners, 0 Ks.  It’s a bird, it’s a plane… Oh, crap, it’s Jaime Garcia falling back to earth.  Watch out!

Colby Rasmus – 2nd homer in two games and now has 16 homers on the year.  Okay, I get it.  You’re breaking out, I was wrong to say to sell you.  Message received, loud and clear.  I won’t even bother reiterating how your HR/FB is too high.

Will Venable – 3 homers and 2 steals in the last week while batting near .350.  Sure, grab him while hot, but next week it could be back to Will Unable.

Luke Gregerson – Got the save yesterday as Bell had the day off.  I wonder if he went to Sea World.

Billy Wagner – Had a cortisone shot on his ankle on Saturday, but says he’ll be good to go for the next save opp.  Peter Moylan or Saito, in reverse order, would fill in if need be.

Lastings Milledge – Hit his first homer of the year yesterday.  Yes, like first first.  That’s pretty gangsta, Lastings.  You should write a rap song about how Jody Gerut is outhomering you in 150 less at-bats.

Ian Stewart – Now has two homers in the last five games.  It’s not quite the Mini Mini Donkey punch we all want, but it’s a start.

Jhoulys Chacin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks.   It’s pronounced Yo-lease and 12 Ks is “Yo, nice!”  Now has 71 Ks in 66 2/3 IP, while making it look yo-leasy.  Coors is terrifying in mixed leagues, but Jhoulys is out pitching a bunch of better bets right now.  Member the courage you didn’t have to draft Ubaldo?  Here’s your chance for redemption.

Mike Napoli – Hit a homer yesterday.  Word out of Bobby Grichville is the Angels are shopping Napoli.  Napoli should’ve seen it coming when Scioscia kissed Napoli on the lips at the Angels New Year’s Eve party and told him he broke his heart.

Edwin Jackson – Good for Edwin, though this was the ugliest no-hitter since Bob Forsch threw one in 1983.  And that was only ugly because Willie McGee was on the field.

Dontrelle Willis, the flat-billed pitchypus in question, was traded to the Diamondbacks for a half-used #2 pencil and a race car-shaped eraser.  When a team trades a guy and still has to pay the majority of his salary, it’s usually not a good sign.  I have maintained in the past that maybe the only thing eating at Dontrelle was the Tigers taking away the best aspect of his game –> his hitting.  It’s still not a reason to pick him up.  It’s not like the Diamondbacks stadium is a pitchers’ haven.  Let someone else take the flat-billed pitchypus under their wing and nurture it back to health.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mark Teixeira – Day-to-day after he left the game with a bruised foot, which is far less tasty than a braised foot.

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Don’t look now but Vazquez has 3 solid starts in his past 4 games – helping to bring his ERA/WHIP down to 6.06/1.49.  Yeah, still looks awful but it took a while for him to stop picturing Johnny Damon at the plate with the bases loaded everytime he pitched.

Curtis Granderson – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer and his 8th RBI.  He’s got a bit of a ways to go before he’s not considered a size D bust.

Trevor Hoffman – 1 IP, 3 ER as he pitched in the 7th inning.  I’d like to punch him in his big fat mouth.  If you own him, bench him until he gets a save.

Corey Hart – Now has 14 homers, while Fielder hit his 8th yesterday because he couldn’t take anymore of my roundup mocking.  That’s what I think, at least.  In all seriousness, Fielder could hit 15 homers this month and it wouldn’t surprise me.  Don’t sweat the fat stuff.

Chris Coghlan – 3-for-5 and a home run.  Hitting around .340 over the last week but still hitting .237 on the year.  Has a long way to go before he’s hitting .290 and he should get there eventually, which means those in need of average can look to him.  Unless…

Mike Stanton – Hit a couple more homers yesterday.  Ross is hitting .295 with moderate power, Maybin and the aforementioned Coghlan have been better after early season slumping.  Not sure who gets the ax for Stanton, but someone must.  Even though I’m not in the union, I’m going to put on my GM hat and say Ross loses playing time.

Russell Branyan – Has three homers in his last four games.  Like an orgy-ist, Branyan hits ‘em in bunches.

Cole Hamels – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  So frustrating when a pitcher gets hit then a rain delay blocks him from fixing the damage to his ratios.  Why are they starting a game when it’s about to rain?  Is looking up not in the umpire’s rulebook?  Dallas Raines, Storm Field, or Sonny Whither-Chanceofrain would’ve never let this game start.

Kevin Gregg – Gregg must’ve left his Janet Jackson album collection yesterday because he had no control and wanted no part of the rhythm nation.  His line of 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 BB was so nasty that actually inspired Cito to insist he call him “Mr. Gaston.”  Since I owned Frasor in a few leagues, you’d think this blowup would make me giggly like an Asian girl in a Hello Kitty store.  Unfortunately, Frasor gave up one run earlier in the game and I flashed a trigger finger faster than Wild Bill Hickok.  To explain again in exclamation marks, !!!!!!!.  I’d own Frasor (though I won’t) and Downs, just in case Gregg is removed from the closer role.  Right now, I’d own them Gregg, Frasor then Downs.  In that order.  Downs is last because I don’t think they go to a lefty closer outside of some messy shituations.

Jeff Niemann – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  First, Shields then Fister now Niemann.  It’s been a good week.  Finally, some of these unreal ERAs from these schmohawks are coming down (up?) to earth.  Find your level, snitches!

John Ely – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks and now 6 straight solid starts and an ERA of 2.54 with a WHIP of 0.93.  Yes, you should own him.  No, he’s not this good.

Victor Martinez – 5-for-5 with 4 routine fly balls to left.  Or as they call them in Boston, “doubles.”

Carlos Quentin – Now has 2 homers in his last 3 games.  Hey, guess all this bastard needed was for me to give up on him.  Figures.

Gordon Beckham – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs.  Beckham promised a Make-A-Wish kid two soft singles to center.  What a guy!

Justin Smoak – 2-for-2 with a homer.  If you own him, you were probably sonavabenched because the home run came after not starting the game.  Nothing like a guy that doesn’t hit for three weeks, then hits a home run when he wasn’t supposed to play.  *Grey bangs his head on his desk*

Scott Rolen – 2 more HRs tonight with 4 of his 13 HRs now coming against the Cards.  Rolen’s going all Cobra Kai on his former coach.  (BTW, We at Razzball are completely against this rethink of Karate Kid.  Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan?  Really?  Does anyone watch the first Karate Kid and, say, “I liked the gist of it but I think it would’ve been better if the Daniel-san character was prepubescent and African-American?”  How will you find someone so watchably menacing as Billy Zabka’s portrayal of Johnny Lawrence?  And will Mr. Miyagi’s backstory be moved from living in Okinawa to living in Hong Kong?  They already did this crap with the Can’t Buy Me Love remake and now Nick Cannon’s stooging on a talent show.  What’s next?  A Bachelor Party remake and not showing muff?)

Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 8 ER, 11 baserunners, 0 Ks.  Speaking of 80′s villains, Johnny Cueto swept my legs then urinated on my head.

Joey Votto – 4-for-5, 3 Runs and his 11th homer.  Hey, someone gave him the hug he needed, nice!

Maicer Izturis – Now has back-to-back games with a homer.  I missed the homers, but I’m guessing he was hitting from the 2nd base bag.

Dan Haren – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Diamondbacks are considering trading Dan Haren.  Maybe they can throw in a closer and buy low on Teixeira.  Though in real baseball that makes no sense.

Jose Lopez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a homer.  I know he’s been terrible, but he always gets hot as the summer heats up and he’s now hitting over .400 in the last week with 2 homers.

Chone Figgins – 2-for-4 with a steal.  Yes, he’s finally hot too.

Brett Myers – A 7 inning, 10 K performance against the pesky Nats went for naught after Lindstrom blew the save but then went for aught after Capps blew the save and the game.  Myers’ 3.04 ERA looks awfully low for someone with a 1.39 WHIP but it’s still good enough to gamble on for the occasional stream in shallow leagues, start most of the time in deeper leagues, and start every time in leagues that credit points for domestic abuse.

Hunter Pence – 2-for-3 with his 9th homer.  He also has 5 steals.  It’s the Hunter pace.  Home run here, steal there.  25/12 by the end of the year.  Ho-hum, which is a command Ice Cube uses.