Finally, an injury to an Angel that can clear up the awful logjam between OF/DH/3B. Oh wait, it’s to their catcher – Chris Iannetta – where their ‘depth’ involves Bobby Wilson, an injured Hank Conger and sub-Mathis scrubs. Maybe they should try Mark Trumbo at catcher. He’s gotta be better there than at 3B. Chris Iannetta anagrams to Neat Christian – how fitting for an Angel. I guess someone had to be the martyr to save Pujols’s soul from the fiery pits of replacement-level. For those of you in deep enough leagues to warrant a roster spot for Iannetta, just pick up whatever schmohawk catcher is on the waiver wire with the most ABs in the last 2 weeks. Nothing’s sweeter than a random HR from a FA scrub (shoutout to Cesar Izturis’s HR for our NL-only team). Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks. “Wait until he hits twenty-seven years old and he can barely lift his arm to pack his bowl.” That’s Lincecum watching the Strasburg highlights. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Andrew Bailey will need thumb surgery, according to one doctor. He’s scheduled to get a second opinion today. That second doctor’s gonna say, “The first doctor and I play golf and he only sent you to me to run up your doctor bills. Of course you need surgery.” My opinion is Bailey is always hurt and he’s gonna miss a few months. When Bailey was first traded to the Sawx in the offseason, I even opined, “When Melancon went to the Sawx, I said, “The GM over in Beantown says Melancon is “capable of closing.” In big market speak, that means he won’t be the closer. Melancon is the stereotypical small market closer, big market set-up man.” Prescient ain’t just a word you need a spell checker for. It’s a state of mind! Bailey will be absolutely fine as a closer when he’s healthy, which is to say maybe 4 of 6 months of the season if the Sawx are lucky.” And that’s me quoting me! I don’t just bring this up for the Bailey news, but I wanted to say again how the Sawx GM originally pegged Melancon as having closer potential. Originally, I said he wasn’t a big market closer, but guess what y’all? He’s a heck more of a big market closer than Aceves. He has closer experience and that you can’t buy (legally outside of Canada). The Sawx are saying Aceves could get saves. I’m not sure how much I believe it. If Melancon was out there in my leagues, I grabbed him too (as in, in addition to Aceves). If Aceves does get the first couple of saves, he’ll need to be perfect to keep the job, i.e., vis-a-vis, ergo, Melancon could end up getting 25 saves even if he doesn’t get the first couple. This shituation is fluid so put on some plastic bed sheets. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Frank Francisco – Went for an MRI on his knee yesterday. Ah, the Mets and their injuries. The Mets doctors originally thought Francisco was dealing with patella tendinitis — is that the pre-med Indian kid who lived in my freshman dorm? Frank2 had an ERA north of 5.50 in the spring and the publicity was, “Where’s his velocity?” He thought he’d locate his electricity with tenacity, but kept ending up back at paucity, which left people grabbing Rauch in felicity, prior to her cutting her hair — the audacity! Please, blog, may I have some more?
48 leagues made 14,400 selections at the draft table in March. 440 different players were chosen, with 218 being selected in all leagues. Another 15 were drafted in 47 of the 48 leagues. 33 were taken in just 1 league.
Last year Albert Pujols was the first choice in 37 of the 38 leagues, but this year there was a bit more variety. Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’m no Nostradumbass, but I’m telling you there’s not going to be a whole lot of greatness coming out of this post. We’re Cousteau deep right now. The first tier have some nice flyers that you may drop after a week or so and the other schmohawks in this post are, well, schmohawks. So all the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings are found under yonder and we’re moving onto pitchers next. That should excite you, you special person you. C’mon, let me pinch your cheeks. I didn’t say your face cheeks. Hey now! Anyway, here’s the top 80 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball:
61. Please, blog, may I have some more?
With more outfielders than random hairs growing from my grandfather’s ear, we take it to the top 60 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball. And, just like your grandfather’s ear hair, a lot of these guys are gross. I don’t know what happened to the outfielders, they just went and got ugly. You look at Ryan Braun like he ruined your childhood by taking a performance-enhancing drug, but at least he’s trying to put some offense back into the modern-era of baseball. Now someone start manufacturing aluminum bats painted to look like a wooden bat. Thank you. As with the other 2012 fantasy baseball rankings, where tiers start and stop are mentioned and my projections. Anyway, here’s the top 60 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball:
41. Please, blog, may I have some more?
It’s trade deadline time, a full baseball weekend, and Grey is at a crawfish festival asking ladies whether he has any chum in his moustache. Anyway, the Indians spoiled the Yanks and Sawx plans by nabbing Ubaldo for a bunch of prospects including their top two pitching prospects (Drew Pomeranz and Alex White). Please, blog, may I have some more?
Recently, I had the pleasure of doing karaoke with Johnny Cueto. He decided to go with Landslide by Fleetwood Mac. Here’s what he sang, “I took my ERA and I took it down…. I climbed a mountain and I turned around… And I saw my xFIP in the snow covered hills… Well, I’ve been afraid of changing… ‘Cause I’ve kicked the life out of Jason LaRue… Awh, take this ERA, and TAKE IT DOWN!…” Then I joined him on stage for Islands in the Stream. Cueto was pitch perfect with Stevie Nicks even if he did skip lines here and there to keep it related to fantasy baseball. Right now, his ERA is 1.63. Oh, c’mon. Seriously, come on. Come on, come on, come on Chameleon! His xFIP is 3.52. His K-rate is 6.23 which isn’t good and below previous season marks. He’s leaving 83% men on and has a .216 BABIP. There’s not one category he’s excelling in right now except ERA. The mouth on the left side says, “S.” The mouth on the right side says, “ell.” Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Jonathan Broxton – ‘So much junk, so much junk inside that trunk’ could be lyrics about the Dodgers bullpen or specifically about Broxton. Please, blog, may I have some more?
The A’s promoted Chris Carter. Too bad Chris Carter wasn’t around when Mulder was pitching for the A’s. Then they could’ve had Scully call the game. Chris Berman looked at his stats and says, “All Chris Carter does is hit home runs!” which means he’ll kill your average, won’t steal bases, and probably won’t help your runs and RBIs. Back in January, Chris Carter said this about playing with the A’s out of spring training, “I’m still thinking it’s my job to lose, basically. It’s a business. They want to win and make the team better.” That isn’t as great a quote as, “Who are you, Karim Garcia? I do not know you,” but it’s still pretty solid. It’s like you go into a job interview and say, “If you want the burgers to get flipped right, I’ll get hired. What, you want crap burgers?” Unfortunately, Carter was in Make Believe Land hanging with the Easter Bunny. It was not his job to lose. In the preseason, I said, “This Chris Carter looks like Ryan Howard. In every possible way. He strikes out a lot. He hits a lot of homers. He talks to Turtle about tequila. He weighs 230+ el-bees. He stands six foot five. He once finished off a grand slam 7 hours after the last pitch of a game thanks to Denny’s.” And that’s me quoting me! Further in my Chris Carter fantasy, I gave him the line of 35/22/55/.225/3 in 400 ABs and said he’d be called up on June 1st. He missed a month of that, so now I’ll revise it to 30/17/40/.235. I.e. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jhoulys Chacin was walking more yesterday than my grandfather on a treadmill behind a hot number (his words). Yo-leash’s line 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (6 walks), 7 Ks. Am I worried that Chacin isn’t going to have a sub-3 ERA all year? Yeah, of course, I’m worried. What, am I delusional? Am I wearing wearing a pirate costume and dictating my blog posts to homeless people behind a Consumer Value Store? No, of course, I’m not. I’m behind a Walgreens. I do not wish to talk about Chacin’s eventual regression. Yes, I am not using contractions to show how serious I am. I own Yo-leash all over the place and…Ugh. We might be at his peak value. This is sorta like when I told you to sell Matt Joyce a week before he started washing his hands in the urinal and peeing in the sink. I don’t think Chacin will completely collapse but he’s more of a 3.50-3.75 ERA pitcher. Trust me, I wish he were going to be this good all year too. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Seth Smith – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs as The Lisper’s Nightmare hit his 7th and 8th home runs. He’s fine for a fifth outfielder in a deep league, but, man, owning him is the fantasy baseball equivalent to watching paint dry. Rub Wiggy’s head and get crazy hot for a week once in a while, would ya? Please, blog, may I have some more?
Wilson Betemit collided with Albert Pujols and… Why is Wilson Betemit playing?! He never plays. Doesn’t your Quad-A Beer Pong Tournament partner, Shelley Duncan, need you for a tourney? Manzo! (Which is my new favorite exclamation that means nothing.) Another tough break (strain?) for a high draft pick. You high draft picks remind me of my shoe closet — I got one penny and a bunch of loafers! (Thanks, Lil Penny.) Pujols supposedly only has a sprained wrist, but will be reevaluated on Monday. If it’s any more serious than a strain, I suggest Betemit enter the Witness Protection Program. Your deity of choice willing Pujols will be back on the field in a day or two. Luckily, Pujols has severed elbow tendons in the past and only missed one game. Manzo! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Lance Berkman – Didn’t start on Sunday because his back and leg were “barking.” Sounds like someone has figured out how to appeal to La Russa’s PETA leniencies. Please, blog, may I have some more?