Or is it Philly adds pap shmear to their J-Roll? What, icky? Sorry, friend. The Phils signed Jonathan Papelbon to a silly deal of sillier proportions. Maybe the Phils should move to the Santa Ynez Valley because their replacement of Madson is a sideways move. <– movie pun! Well, for whatever reason the Phils don’t like Madson and what he brings, so they got themselves a marquee name to close out games. I don’t think this changes Papelbon’s value whatsoever. Or what so ever, if you like to space out. You know whose value does change? Welcome to the bigs, Daniel Bard! Wait, he’s already been in the bigs. Damn you, devil, get out of the details. Here’s hoping Bard authors saves instead of losses like in September, otherwise hearing the Bahd is closing might be as stressful to the average Southie as the bahr is closing. Though, I’d be a real Gomer to not consider the Red Sox may just bring in a different big name closer to fill the role. Though, Part II: It’s One Of Though’s Again, I do think they’ll give Bard the ball in the ninth and he’ll be terrific. Throw him in the donkeycorns, kids, and giddy up. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves so far and what they mean for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Melky Cabrera – Traded to the Giants. Luckily, I heard Sandoval’s lactose-intolerant or he might’ve taken a bite of Melky’s arm. Melky was going to be overrated going into 2012 and now he moves into a pitcher’s park. That’s a fold to the dealer’s picture card. If he hits 15 homers and .260, color me surprised with a lime-scented marker.
Jonathan Sanchez – Goes the other way to the Royals. Actually makes more sense to me that the Giants send away Filthy Sanchez then get Melky. The Giants were fed up with Sanchez walking seven guys in four and two-thirds. Never the hoo! We’re talking fantasy not real baseball (whatever that is!) and Filthy can take down any hitter on any given night. The question has never been his ability. He’s the 25 to 1 gamble that you pray makes good on his promise.
Lorenzo Cain – Will take over for Melky. Last year when I praised Cain, here’s what I said, “He has 20+ steal speed and some light pop. Best case scenario, he puts up a Victorino-like season. Worst case scenario, he’s unownable and while you’re dropping him to waivers you throw out your back and end up in traction. I imagine in most leagues, he’ll be drafted as a “cool pick” then dropped before the first week ends. In AL-Only leagues, he’s a great endgame sleeper pick.” And that’s me quoting me! For the short attention spanners, he’ll be a flyer worth taking in all leagues because of his 10 homer, 20+ steal potential.
Grady Sizemore – Likely to land an incentives-laden deal somewhere. If one of his incentives is “Help Grey win a fantasy championship,” then I’d draft him. Otherwise, it’s been real and fun but not really fun.
Rod Barajas – Signed by the Pirates. Barajas is Spanish for “even in a deep league you’re not drafting him.”
Pat Burrell – Retiring so he can have more time to sleep with your wife.
Jamey Carroll – Twins signed him. Nothing says offensive boost like a guy with a girl’s name. Hey, I hear Greta Van Susteren can hit a curve. Go after her, boys!
Wilson Ramos – Was kidnapped by gunpoint, but found safely by authorities. His kidnappers said they decided not to use Ramos as one of their keepers.
Marlins – Revealed their new logo, which looks a lot like this.
Aaron Hill and John McDonald were traded to the Diamondbacks for Kelly Johnson. Regarding the title, each team got to 2nd base with the other. Nothing to brag about, nothing for the rest of us to get jealous over. I guess this is what happens when Alex Anthopoulos and Kevin Towers lock themselves in a closet for 7 minutes of trading heaven. “Can you throw in J.P. Arencibia?” “What kind of GM do you think I am?” Maybe Florida and Seattle will trade John Buck for Miguel Olivo. I’ll trade you this tomato. Okay, I’ll trade you a tomahto. Deal. Sure, I’m taking an extra h on the payroll, but it’s worth it to get that shorter vowel sound into our lineup. You say tomato, I say tomahto, let’s call the whole deal….on! This proves one thing, without a doubt, neither team owned Hill or Johnson in fantasy this year. If this trade happened in one of your fantasy leagues, you’d just be glad you weren’t one of the teams doing the trading. Neither player is guaranteed to get a boost with the trade and either player could get knocked out of their slump with the new scenery. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Matt Holliday – Monday night he had to have a trainer remove a moth from his ear. They should try and put a moth in Zambrano’s ear. Maybe they’ll find a bat.
Alex Rodriguez – Out of yesterday’s lineup with a jammed thumb. Thumb up the jam, thumb it up while your feet are stompin’ and the jam is pumpin’, look here the crowd is jumpin’. Sorry, once I start that it’s hard to stop.
Ryan Howard – Out with heel bursitis and the Phils are officially in cruise control mode. Speaking of which…
Cole Hamels – Reports are that he’s absolutely fine for next week’s start so the Phils put him on the DL in media res. I’m a broken record with this, if the kids today even know what a record is or what it means to be broken, but how come there’s no rules that you can’t put healthy people on the DL. Seems like a shortcut at expanding the roster that shouldn’t be allowed. Now get off my lawn, kid!
Vance Worley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. Fair enough, I wouldn’t care about DL’ing healthy Hamels with this kind of depth either.
Raul Ibanez – Received an injection for a sore groin. Sounds like a line a doctor would deliver in a porn movie.
John Mayberry – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and now has three homers in the last five games. Even when Ibanez’s groin is better (something you don’t read every day), Mayberry should be starting. That’s not saying he will be. In the meanwhile, I would add Mayberry in most leagues while he’s hitting-slash-playing-slash-I just like saying slash.
Colby Rasmus – Left the game with a jammed wrist. Somewhere, Tony La Russa’s laughing like Nelson Muntz.
Brandon Morrow – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Royals. FMFBBL
Shin-Soo Choo – 4-for-8, 2 homers in the doubleheader and his 3rd homer in three days as he bats over .400 since his return from the DL. He’s hotter than a kimchi burrito in Megan Fox’s hand.
Kosuke Fukudome – 5-for-8 with a homer. He’s on my opponent’s H2H team and said Fukutome.
Kyle Seager – 6-for-9 and a homer in the doubleheader. Be a good time to mention that the starters in the second game were both peg boys. Either way, Seager has 2 homers in the last five games, but didn’t show much power in the high minors. I’d let Seager go. Like a rock.
Marco Estrada – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. He bounced up and down the minors for so long it was like teams were playing Marco…Yo-Yo… But if you need to take a flyer, he’s a hot hand.
Casey McGehee – Two for his last nine with two homers. This guy’s like Rich Little impersonating Rob Deer. And there goes our 18-35 demographic.
Justin Upton – Hit on the elbow by a pitch and left the game. It’s said to not be too bad. This is a day after B.J. went down with a shoulder sprain. Aren’t these things only supposed to happen to twins?
Brandon Allen – 2-for-4 with 2 monster shots. As frequent commenter, nyydj2 said yesterday, “Brandon Allen just put a monster shot into the upper deck at Yankee Stadium, only the second ball to reach there since it opened. Branyan hit the other…. Which isn’t quite the same as ‘where only Mickey Mantle has ever reached.’”
Logan Morrison – With a .167 average and one homer in Triple-A, the Marlins had seen enough and are recalling Morrison. Couldn’t they just have easily put a bar of soap in his mouth while he tweeted? If Morrison was dropped in your league, I’d take a chance that he comes back looking to prove something. One thing to prove, for instance, that Hanley shouldn’t run the ball club.
Leo Nunez – 2/3 IP, 4 ER and the epic blown save. This is the kind blown save that makes managers try out Edward Mujica as their closer. Also, remember Nunez was funky as in bad not funky as in good at the end of last season.
Ross Ohlendorf – 5 IP, 4 ER. Might want to consider returning to making straight-to-video classics like ‘Dorf on Golf.
Adrian Gonzalez – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 homers. A-gone-gone a-bout time-time.
Eric Hosmer – 3-for-5, with the slam & legs. In only 385 at-bats so far, he has 11 homers and 7 steals. This is at the age of 21. I.e. big things. I.e. there stands for I expect.
Tommy Hanson – Quite the surprise; Hanson’s bullpen session was cancelled a day after he said his shoulder was fine. Yup.
Jason Heyward – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and a homer as he fills in for Constanza…Or was Constanza filling in for him? This is the most confusing re-imagining of All About Eve.
Jimmy Paredes – 1-for-4 and a homer. The power may stop when he leaves Coors, but he’s worth a flyer for speed in deep leagues.
Aramis Ramirez – 5-for-5 with a double and 4 singles to match David Eckstein’s best game.
Kevin Kouzmanoff – Was acquired by the Rockies for cash. “Here’s a McDonaldland coupon for two apple pies. You can CONSIDER it as cash.”
David Price – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks as Price got topped by Penny to lose the Showcase Showdown.
Desmond Jennings – 3-for-5 with a caught stealing. Not cute moving the base 91 feet away. Not cute at all.
Colby Lewis – 6 IP, 7 ER. Hopefully Vogelsong doesn’t take this guy’s career trajectory two years removed from Japan.
Alfredo Simon – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks and, better still, he didn’t kill anyone.
Adam Jones – Was hospitalized with shortness of breath and mild chest pains. Sounds like me after a weekend in Vegas. Early tests say Jones will be fine.
Rod Barajas – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and now has 3 homers since last Friday. Aye carambarajas!
Lucas Duda – 1-for-4, homer. Know one way to stay hot while unattractive in mixed leagues? Go 1-for-4 with a homer every couple of games.
Jon Niese – To the DL with a rib strain. After giving up 8 runs, it’s more like the Phils gave him an RBI strain.
Jose Reyes – Set to return Monday. Though the Mets didn’t say which Monday. Very tricky, Mets, very tricky.
Kevin Youkilis, the Greek God of Back Pain, is off to the DL. Yesterday, Ortiz took a boot to the foot and today this. The Sawx are officially in rest up for the playoffs mode, which is great for all the pasty-faced Sawx fans, but it’s not great for fantasy. So far this year, Youuuuuuk has 17 homers in 395 at-bats while batting .266. So that means, if he were healthy in September, he’d give you some runs, RBIs and 3 homers. I just popped a zit into a mirror and the puss read, “Whatever.” You can find a replacement for Youk on waivers in most leagues. So put on your Burger King crown you stole from some kid, open up your fantasy waivers and replace him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ryan Lavarnway – Was called up. Stephen just went over his Lavarnway fantasy. He wrote it while throwing darts at a picture of me. Lavarnway is worth noting because he hit 30 homers between Double- and Triple-A this year. Now, rookie catcher is a tough position to be in. Ask any recently incarcerated felon. But Ortiz and Youk are both out, so Lavarnway will see everyday time at DH for the time being. This is great news since he’s catcher eligible.
Marco Estrada – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. I ignored him after his first start in the Brewers rotation when he threw five shutout innings vs. the hey-are-they-still-contending Pirates. Now he threw another solid start but against a terrible offense. His K-rate is nice and he could surprise against some weaker teams. At this point, I’d really only push all my CHIPs in with Estrada in NL-Only leagues.
Mike Minor - 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. Before you get too turned on by a minor, just remember this was against the Giants. Minor’s last two starts against the Mets and Cubs were mediocre except for 11 Ks in 11.1 IP.
Tim Lincecum - Took the loss after giving up 1 ER in 7 IP. He’s 11-10 with the third best ERA in the NL (2.53). Matt Cain is just 10-9 with a 2.86 ERA (8th best in NL). If I were Lincecum or Cain, I’d contact Greg Anderson or Victor Conte for some of the clear and then put it in every hitters’ after-game Anchor Steams.
Tommy Hanson – Won’t return on Tuesday. Wake me when there’s something I don’t know! (Not really asleep, but I am a bit drunk. Hey, is that an ad for a vacation to Burundi on Razzball? I might like to go there!)
Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. You know how Jim Leyland’s cigarette-stained teeth make him look like one of those clown head’s at a carnival that has water sprayed into its mouth but instead of water it’s urine? Now the exact opposite of that image is Kershaw.
Colby Rasmus - Hit a HR in his 2nd straight game (and had 4 RBIs in the game before). Must be because his Dad can finally coach him without the meddling of LaRussa and McGwire.
John Buck and Rod Barajas – Both catchers hit HRs on Thursday – Buck’s 14th and Barajas’ 11th. Both are hitting under .230. If Miguel Olivo kills a man, we just need 10 more peers for the jury.
Tyler Flowers – AJ Pierzynski’s rookie replacement has now hit in 4 straight games (7 hits) including a double, triple, and HR. He’s had strikeout rate issues in the minors but also gets his share of walks and moderate power. So, in essence, he’s Adam Dunn 2011.
Ricky Romero – A 3-hit shutout against the A’s with 6 Ks. Imagine they still had Halladay and Marcum? They’d be the best 3rd place team in the majors!
Joe Mauer – Started in the outfield for the first time in his pro career. The Twins are reacquainting him with the outfield fences.
Erick Aybar – In the midst of a 6-for-56 August slump (.107). Aybarumba!
Mark Trumbo – Hit a walk-off HR off Mike Adams. The other Angels made sure to stay out of his way as he touched home. The Morales family does the same thing whenever Kendry walks off.
Denard Span – Back to the DL because of the concussion he suffered in June. At least he thinks it was June.
Jack Hannahan – Returned after his wife gave birthahan. If the baby is half-Korean, my AL-Only team and his wife have something in common.
Mike Jacobs - Has been suspended 50 games for testing positive for HGH. On a related note, Marc Jacobs injected suspenders into his latest fashion line and it tested positively fabulous.
I usually like to wait a couple of months into the season to look at some of the catchers that couldn’t throw out your grandma even if she loses the tennis balls off her walker. (What is the deal with those tennis balls? I feel like that’s the kinda nonsense thing that would have a Facebook Fan Page. Everyone who likes tennis balls on walkers! Yay! BTW, what did people do before Facebook? Oh, yeah, Myspace. BTW II, The Return of BTW, is there anything sadder than getting an email from Friendster. Hey, come check out the new Friendster! Sure, as soon as I get on the internet with this dial-up modem.) Or some of the catchers that are quite agile — hey, it’s Italian! I wait a few months because new catchers come into the league and I like to see a decent sample size — that’s what she said! Anyway, here’s some of the best and worst catchers for fantasy baseball:
The Bad
Jonathan Lucroy – Has only thrown out 6 baserunners out of 33. And he doesn’t even get to try and throw out Prince Fielder. “Pretend 2nd base is a vegan muffin…Now run!”
John Jaso – 7 caught out of 35. And John Jaso Jingleheimer Schmidt doesn’t have to try and throw out Upton.
Rod Barajas – He’s pretty tizzerrible, but Dioner, his backup, is less so. And less Jaso, for that matter.
A.J. Pierzynski – The most runners have tried to go on A.J. outside of McCann. From my two years in Kenya, I can tell you runners are total gossipers and they probably talk about how you can run on A.J.
Josh Thole – This post is an asset for short schedule days when you pick up a guy for one day to try and score a steal. Thole, like Barajas, makes that hard because his backup is good at throwing out runners.
Jason Varitek/Jarrod Saltymochachino – The above comment for Thole doesn’t hold weight with this dynamic duo. You, eating the Cheetos and scratching your underarm? You could steal on these two.
Eli Whiteside – Eli doesn’t like to catch people stealing. He likes to guilt them into not doing it.
The Good
Lou Marson – 13 caught, 14 allowed. While Carlos Santana isn’t smooth at throwing out runners, you do not run on Lou Marson. His last name anagrams to No Arms, but that shizz is a misnomer.
Ivan Rodriguez – 9 caught, 10 allowed. Hey, maybe Boras can get him another $5 million now.
Wilson Ramos – Though Boras will have to try with another team, because Ramos is just as nasty — 12 caught, only 16 allowed.
Matt Wieters – 18-for-46. Too bad that’s never his batting line over a week.
J.A. Happ went the distance yesterday, throwing a shutout with 3 baserunners and 4 Ks. Somewhere, Ed Wade’s Toupee smiled. Now Happ has almost a month of quality starts. So all’s good under the Happ hood, eh? Eh, indeed. Or more like crapp. Something’s not copacetic when a guy has 32 walks against 41 Ks. His xFIP says he’s a devil’s uncle. If a devil’s uncle means Happ has gone lucky. His team’s been better in the 2nd half, but they’re still the Astros. And all of those reasons are why I’m short of Happ-y on J.A. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Dan Uggla – Strained right groin knocked him out of the lineup yesterday. His left groin said the right groin was always ‘acting pissy.’
Brett Cecil – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, but gave up 3 more unearned runs for the ticker shock.
Aaron Hill – Hit his 20th homer. He has 434 ABs, 92 hits, 62 Ks and 20 homers. You don’t have to be Professor Frink to know that Aaron Hill should be hitting better than .212. He’ll go from overrated in the 2010 preseason to a sleeper for 2011 as I practice Saberhagenmetrics.
Wade Davis – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. All you streamer harpies out there should take notice that Davis gets the O’s next. You know what happens when you see a pitcher on waivers that is getting the Orioles? You get the O’s face.
C.J. Wilson – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. There should be a glossary term for a closer/middle reliever that is mediocre in a relief role then becomes a reliable starter. Think Dempster and Wilson.
Nelson Cruz – The good news is he returned from the DL. The bad news is he’s one day closer to his next DL stint.
Bobby Jenks – 1 1/3 IP, 3 ER. Hey, maybe he can become a starter. I know what you’re about to ask. My answer is Thornton should be back Thursday.
Alex Rios – 5-for-6, 4 RBIs and the slam & legs. You got him for the price of a Honda and he’s driving like Alexis.
Gordon Beckham – Hit on the wrist by a pitch and was immediately taken out. X-rays showed no breaks, which is oddly enough a good break. He’ll still miss a few games while the pain dissipates.
Roger Bernadina – 2-for-4, 3 Runs and his 13th steal. He also has 10 homers on the year. It’s a Bernadina bounty! He’s managed to put up Big FraGu’s numbers in 150 less ABs.
Travis Hafner – 8 for his last 12 and has his average up to .282. Imagine if he wasn’t hitting for power like a Sparky Anklebiter (10 HRs).
Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. Here’s what I said 2 weeks ago, “Is it me or does it feel like he has a triumphant return to the majors every other month? Seems to go like this for Bailey. First start in the majors and he blows away the opposition. Starts four more times and gets rocked or injured. Then he’s DL’d or demoted. A month later, he returns triumphantly. Rinse and repeat.” And that’s me quoting me!
Peter Bourjos – 2-for-3 with the slam & legs. Bunch of games yesterday for a Monday so I had to bench one hitter in all my leagues. Guess who it was. Sonavabench!
Carlos Zambrano – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Brenly pointed out something interesting that was obviously fed to him by a producer. If you throw out Big Z’s first start of the year, his ERA is around 3.75 as a starter. Take that, Gatorade cooler!
Mark Reynolds – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs with 2 homers. A double donk night for Mini-Donkey. All brays to the Mini-Donkey.
Justin Upton – Hurt his shoulder after striking out. Maybe a fantasy owner went overboard with his voodoo doll. Hopefully he doesn’t need a DL stint. You have my promise that as soon as someone else reads about it, they will update me in the comments and then I will put a pithy spin on it in tomorrow’s roundup.
Rod Barajas – 3rd homer this week. Before you know it, he’ll be the hero of Los Angeles then he’ll be unceremoniously dropped to waivers in 18 months.
Hiroki Kuroda – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 Hit), 7 Ks. Kuroda’s been good for a while now, but the Phillies are a mess right now. I haven’t seen a whole lineup slump this bad since NBC post-Friends.
Jonathan Sanchez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. Jorge de la Rosa’s 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks. How did I have the cojones to start both of these guys in multiple leagues and not get rewarded with at least one win? How?!
Ian Stewart – Mini-Mini Donkey is headed to the DL with… Go ahead, guess. If you guessed strained oblique, you are a genius. Take a lap around your computer, cheering yourself. This is apropos of nothing but I found it funny. PETA was protesting a basketball game where the players would ride donkeys. Someone responded in opposition to PETA’s opposition saying, “You can’t hurt a donkey unless you REALLY try, hard. They will also bite or kick if somebody mistreats them. (They’re) perfectly capable of looking after themselves without the intervention of PETA.” It would be awesome if PETA agreed and went with People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (except, ya know, donkeys. They’re self-sufficient.)
