Fantasy Baseball Advice

Hey, I can bench Eric Hosmer!  That was the first thing I thought when I picked up Matt Adams.   First stop for Hosmer is my bench, next stop waivers.  Yesterday, our prospect writer Scott said this about Adams, “Despite the impressive audition (in Spring Training), St. Louis sent him to Triple-A Memphis where he’s hit .338/.373/.597 with 9 HR through his first 150 plate appearances… With an advanced approach, solid on base skills, and plus power, Adams has a chance to do damage in the bigs right away.  He’s worth an add in most formats.  There’s really not much else to say, except Grey is handsome.”  I obviously wouldn’t have copied and pasted all of that if I didn’t agree.  In a 12 team mixed league, I found room for him (then again my offense could use anything at this point — I have Brian Dozier!) by losing Anthony Rizzo.  I do think Rizzo will be up soon and is worth owning, but I could only speculate on one “young 1st baseman that will fix my other young 1st baseman problem (Hosmer!).”  With Berkman possibly out a while (as of this writing, his timetable wasn’t clear, but it didn’t look good and he was talking of retirement), Adams just needs to hit to get everyday playing time (please, deity of my choice, let him hit).  At first, I could see him platooning a bit with Carpenter so don’t overreact on who you drop when you pick up Adams, but if you’re hurting at 1st base, get smart and don Adams.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Aroldis Chapman – Hey, he’s now the closer!  Mazel tov!  I remember when he was just a new Cuban raftee and, now, he’s a man.  A real fine chap, man.  He has yet to allow an earned run in 22 1/3 innings to go with 39 Ks.  Man, that is beautiful.  Shoot, I have to change my shorts.  And…I’m back!  You miss me?

Ryan Ludwick – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs with his 4th homer.  Just when it looked like Heisey finally bought himself a longer leash, Ludwick comes along to confuse Dusty.  (Yes, they both played yesterday, but that was only because there was a DH.)

Paul Konerko – After taking one off his face on Friday, the White Sox said they should be able to punim back in on Tuesday.

Jake Peavy – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  No kidding, who would you prefer:  Peavy or Lincecum?  Is it close?

Gordon Beckham – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games.  If it’s not the Rip Van Winkle of sleepers.  If you’re desperate for infield help, I could see grabbing him for your middle infidel spot.

Adam Dunn – 1-for-4 with his 14th homer.  Like one of those weekly Bieber’s been trampled by 1400 screaming Asian girls rumors, the reports of Dunn’s death were also premature.  Rob Thomas would say he’s come un-Dunn.  Fantasy Baseball Blurb Police, “Bieber and Rob Thomas in the same blurb?  C’mon, man, don’t make me ticket you.”

Ike Davis – Terry Collins (who?) said that Davis could be headed to the minors.  All kidding aside, have the Mets doctors checked him again for Valley Fever?  Actually, has anyone but the Mets doctors checked him for Valley Fever?

Kevin Youkilis – Phillies and Indians are “monitoring” Youuuuuuuk.  I found this funny for some reason.  Next time I’m caught sitting outside an ex-girlfriend’s house, I’m going to say I was just “monitoring” her.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see Youuuuuuk moved.  Red Sox don’t want to send Middlebrooks down and Youuuuuuk’s so welcome in the Red Sox clubhouse that Bobby Valentine commissioned Billy Ocean to remix his own song to, “Get Outta My Team, Get Into My Veggie Wrap With Swiss Chard.”

Josh Beckett – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. Cliff Lee, who went 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, as the two last place teams battled.  The Comatose Red Sox and Phillies fans, that conked out the day before the season started, blink their eyes open, “Don’t you mean first place?”

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games, and 7th on the season.  Why do I wish he had 1st base eligibility and I drafted him instead of Hosmer?

Mike Aviles – 2-for-5 with his third homer in as many games.  Thomas Peefuttle who?!  Actually, that’s a made-up name, but Aviles has been good even if you compare him to someone who’s real.

Jonathan Lucroy – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 7 RBIs and 2 homers.  Actually, I wouldn’t mind dropping my whole RCL offense and having only catchers.

Corey Hart – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs with his 9th homer as the Brewers exploded for 16 runs.  Elias Sports Bureau said Corey Hart was rated by People Magazine as The Ugliest Man Alive.  Actually, Elias didn’t say that, but here’s something that was overheard at the Stamford compound of Elias Sports Bureau.  “In Accounting, Jeff and Dave have casually joked about switching wives twenty-seven times in the last two weeks for a new office record.  Also, Jeff recorded it a record 17 times to be used for blackmail purposes later.”

Colby Lewis – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Astros.  In related news, American League pitchers are fully supportive of the Astros’ 2013 league switch.

Vance Worley – Has a bone chip in his elbow.  He says he’s going to “man up” and pitch through the pain.  Who’s he Bruce Willis cutting a bullet out of his arm and bandaging it up with a shirt he rips with his teeth?  Ridiculous to think Worley’s going to be anywhere near as effective and not just end up back on the DL.

Anthony Rizzo – That billboard counting down is not how many hours until the America’s Got Talent premiere, that’s until The Scer arrives.  The Cubs confirmed yesterday what I was saying on Friday.  Rizzo’s arrival, or arrizzal, is imminent.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 15 Ks. There’s the eggs Woody Allen was talking about that we need.  Hopefully, if you dealt with the bad half of the schizo-Scherzer, you also got this good half.

Rod Barajas – B*****s ain’t shizz usually, but, for those in deep leagues, B*****s has 2 homers in his last three games.

Greg Dobbs – 3-for-4, and .154 over the last week, but whatever.  I just want to rant about how stupid it is that Ozzie is splitting up Hanley and Stanton with Dobbs.  I get the whole righty/lefty thing, but is that really going to change how opposing managers think when they see Greg Dobbs?  It’s not like they’re saying to themselves, “I’d go to my righty here but Dobbs, who’s hitting .253 against righties over the last three years, will kill me.”  Move Giancarlo into the cleanup spot, I need RBIs!

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  After the game, his porn star brother, Gosh Johnson sprayed the team with what everyone is hoping was champagne.

Emilio Bonifacio – Ended up on the 15-day DL with a sprained thumb.  When asked how it was feeling, Bonifacio stayed true to his name and tried to put on a good face.

Derek Lowe – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks to lower his ERA to 2.15.  He said he’d have an ERA under 2 if it wasn’t for Indians fans.

Mike Trout – 3-for-4, now batting .355.  At Sunday brunch, he had a mimosa, grapefruit wedges and a slam & two legs.  Trout homered and stole a base off Bass, something the media is calling “Fish on Fish” crime.

Vernon Wells – Headed to the DL with a thumb injury.  He’ll have some free time now to reply to all his fan mail that is meant for the actor from Weird Science, Vernon Wells.

Alexi Amarista – 1-for-6, with a steal.  He was the piece the Padres got from the Angels for Frieri.  Here’s what Bud Black said Scioscia told him, “The first thing (Scioscia) said was this guy can play six positions, he can feel comfortable with them anywhere, he swings the bat and he has some speed, so that versatility plays much better in the National League.”  Right, nothing at all like Maicer Izturis.  With the Padres now having (n)O-Dog, Amarista has been playing 2nd base.  In the minors, he hit for a decent average with speed.  In the majors, I could see him having a .270 average with 25 steals.  Definitely NL-Only grab.  I’d hold for now in most mixed leagues.

Justin Smoak – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer.  I told you last week to grab him for his road trip and now he heads back to Safeco, so where there’s Smoak, there’s other options off the waiver wire.

Mike Carp – Has homers in back-to-back games.  Carpe Carp!

Wei-Yin Chen – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER as he was pitchslapped by Strasburg.  I’ve seen Tony Pena pitch better than Chen.  And Tony was pitching in a Home Run Derby.

Danny Espinosa – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs with his 4th homer.  Going on about ten days of hot schmotatoness.

Jesus Flores – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  If you lost Wilson Ramos, Flores could basically do the same thing.  And that’s a promise or my name isn’t Grey “El Toro” Albright.

Stephen Strasburg – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, but left the start with bicep tightness.  He said he should be fine for his next start.  He’s going to apply some Hot Stuff and then not touch his groin for the next five days.

Mark Ellis – Will be out for at least 6 weeks as the doctor performed an emergency procedure on him to relieve pressure in his leg.  The Dodgers will turn to Justin “The Inspector” Sellers and Elian “I Wouldn’t Mind Checking Out Miami Again” Herrera.  Elian and Sellers aren’t much to look at outside of deep NL-Only leagues, especially if they’re sharing time.  Since Ellis will be out, the Dodgers may now ask Flavor Flav to no longer stand above Dee Gordon’s head with his giant ticking clock.

Jeff Francoeur – 4-for-4, but I’m giving two of them to the now batting in the seven hole, Hosmer.

Wade Miley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I see you moving your cursor towards picking up Miley.  Stop and back away from your computer.  Go splash some coffee on your face.  You’re sleepwalking.

Brandon McCarthy – Went to the DL, but the A’s found no damage to his scapula.  Sounds like there should be a chicken in there, i.e., Chicken Scapula.  BTW, when you’re in a fancy restaurant and the waiter rolls up the cart carrying your entrees, make sure you say, “They weren’t joking when they said it was all a la carte.”  It’ll make you look classy.

Or is it Philly adds pap shmear to their J-Roll?  What, icky?  Sorry, friend.  The Phils signed Jonathan Papelbon to a silly deal of sillier proportions.  Maybe the Phils should move to the Santa Ynez Valley because their replacement of Madson is a sideways move. <– movie pun!  Well, for whatever reason the Phils don’t like Madson and what he brings, so they got themselves a marquee name to close out games.  I don’t think this changes Papelbon’s value whatsoever.  Or what so ever, if you like to space out.  You know whose value does change?  Welcome to the bigs, Daniel Bard!  Wait, he’s already been in the bigs.  Damn you, devil, get out of the details.  Here’s hoping Bard authors saves instead of losses like in September, otherwise hearing the Bahd is closing might be as stressful to the average Southie as the bahr is closing.  Though, I’d be a real Gomer to not consider the Red Sox may just bring in a different big name closer to fill the role.  Though, Part II:  It’s One Of Though’s Again, I do think they’ll give Bard the ball in the ninth and he’ll be terrific.  Throw him in the donkeycorns, kids, and giddy up.  Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves so far and what they mean for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Melky Cabrera – Traded to the Giants.  Luckily, I heard Sandoval’s lactose-intolerant or he might’ve taken a bite of Melky’s arm.  Melky was going to be overrated going into 2012 and now he moves into a pitcher’s park.  That’s a fold to the dealer’s picture card.  If he hits 15 homers and .260, color me surprised with a lime-scented marker.

Jonathan Sanchez – Goes the other way to the Royals.  Actually makes more sense to me that the Giants send away Filthy Sanchez then get Melky.  The Giants were fed up with Sanchez walking seven guys in four and two-thirds.  Never the hoo!  We’re talking fantasy not real baseball (whatever that is!) and Filthy can take down any hitter on any given night.  The question has never been his ability.  He’s the 25 to 1 gamble that you pray makes good on his promise.

Lorenzo Cain – Will take over for Melky.  Last year when I praised Cain, here’s what I said, “He has 20+ steal speed and some light pop.  Best case scenario, he puts up a Victorino-like season.  Worst case scenario, he’s unownable and while you’re dropping him to waivers you throw out your back and end up in traction.  I imagine in most leagues, he’ll be drafted as a “cool pick” then dropped before the first week ends.  In AL-Only leagues, he’s a great endgame sleeper pick.”  And that’s me quoting me!  For the short attention spanners, he’ll be a flyer worth taking in all leagues because of his 10 homer, 20+ steal potential.

Grady Sizemore – Likely to land an incentives-laden deal somewhere.   If one of his incentives is “Help Grey win a fantasy championship,” then I’d draft him.  Otherwise, it’s been real and fun but not really fun.

Rod Barajas – Signed by the Pirates.  Barajas is Spanish for “even in a deep league you’re not drafting him.”

Pat Burrell – Retiring so he can have more time to sleep with your wife.

Jamey Carroll – Twins signed him.  Nothing says offensive boost like a guy with a girl’s name.  Hey, I hear Greta Van Susteren can hit a curve.  Go after her, boys!

Wilson Ramos – Was kidnapped by gunpoint, but found safely by authorities.  His kidnappers said they decided not to use Ramos as one of their keepers.

Marlins – Revealed their new logo, which looks a lot like this.

Aaron Hill and John McDonald were traded to the Diamondbacks for Kelly Johnson.  Regarding the title, each team got to 2nd base with the other.  Nothing to brag about, nothing for the rest of us to get jealous over.  I guess this is what happens when Alex Anthopoulos and Kevin Towers lock themselves in a closet for 7 minutes of trading heaven.  “Can you throw in J.P. Arencibia?”  “What kind of GM do you think I am?”  Maybe Florida and Seattle will trade John Buck for Miguel Olivo.    I’ll trade you this tomato.  Okay, I’ll trade you a tomahto.  Deal.  Sure, I’m taking an extra h on the payroll, but it’s worth it to get that shorter vowel sound into our lineup.  You say tomato, I say tomahto, let’s call the whole deal….on!  This proves one thing, without a doubt, neither team owned Hill or Johnson in fantasy this year.  If this trade happened in one of your fantasy leagues, you’d just be glad you weren’t one of the teams doing the trading.  Neither player is guaranteed to get a boost with the trade and either player could get knocked out of their slump with the new scenery.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Holliday – Monday night he had to have a trainer remove a moth from his ear.  They should try and put a moth in Zambrano’s ear.  Maybe they’ll find a bat.

Alex Rodriguez – Out of yesterday’s lineup with a jammed thumb.  Thumb up the jam, thumb it up while your feet are stompin’ and the jam is pumpin’, look here the crowd is jumpin’.  Sorry, once I start that it’s hard to stop.

Ryan Howard – Out with heel bursitis and the Phils are officially in cruise control mode.  Speaking of which…

Cole Hamels – Reports are that he’s absolutely fine for next week’s start so the Phils put him on the DL in media res.  I’m a broken record with this, if the kids today even know what a record is or what it means to be broken, but how come there’s no rules that you can’t put healthy people on the DL.  Seems like a shortcut at expanding the roster that shouldn’t be allowed.  Now get off my lawn, kid!

Vance Worley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Fair enough, I wouldn’t care about DL’ing healthy Hamels with this kind of depth either.

Raul Ibanez – Received an injection for a sore groin.  Sounds like a line a doctor would deliver in a porn movie.

John Mayberry – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and now has three homers in the last five games.  Even when Ibanez’s groin is better (something you don’t read every day), Mayberry should be starting.  That’s not saying he will be.  In the meanwhile, I would add Mayberry in most leagues while he’s hitting-slash-playing-slash-I just like saying slash.

Colby Rasmus – Left the game with a jammed wrist.  Somewhere, Tony La Russa’s laughing like Nelson Muntz.

Brandon Morrow – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Royals.  FMFBBL

Shin-Soo Choo – 4-for-8, 2 homers in the doubleheader and his 3rd homer in three days as he bats over .400 since his return from the DL.  He’s hotter than a kimchi burrito in Megan Fox’s hand.

Kosuke Fukudome – 5-for-8 with a homer.  He’s on my opponent’s H2H team and said Fukutome.

Kyle Seager – 6-for-9 and a homer in the doubleheader.  Be a good time to mention that the starters in the second game were both peg boys.  Either way, Seager has 2 homers in the last five games, but didn’t show much power in the high minors.  I’d let Seager go.  Like a rock.

Marco Estrada – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He bounced up and down the minors for so long it was like teams were playing Marco…Yo-Yo…  But if you need to take a flyer, he’s a hot hand.

Casey McGehee – Two for his last nine with two homers.  This guy’s like Rich Little impersonating Rob Deer.  And there goes our 18-35 demographic.

Justin Upton – Hit on the elbow by a pitch and left the game.  It’s said to not be too bad.  This is a day after B.J. went down with a shoulder sprain.  Aren’t these things only supposed to happen to twins?

Brandon Allen – 2-for-4 with 2 monster shots.  As frequent commenter, nyydj2 said yesterday, “Brandon Allen just put a monster shot into the upper deck at Yankee Stadium, only the second ball to reach there since it opened. Branyan hit the other…. Which isn’t quite the same as ‘where only Mickey Mantle has ever reached.’”

Logan Morrison – With a .167 average and one homer in Triple-A, the Marlins had seen enough and are recalling Morrison.  Couldn’t they just have easily put a bar of soap in his mouth while he tweeted?  If Morrison was dropped in your league, I’d take a chance that he comes back looking to prove something.  One thing to prove, for instance, that Hanley shouldn’t run the ball club.

Leo Nunez – 2/3 IP, 4 ER and the epic blown save.  This is the kind blown save that makes managers try out Edward Mujica as their closer.  Also, remember Nunez was funky as in bad not funky as in good at the end of last season.

Ross Ohlendorf – 5 IP, 4 ER.  Might want to consider returning to making straight-to-video classics like ‘Dorf on Golf.

Adrian Gonzalez – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  A-gone-gone a-bout time-time.

Eric Hosmer – 3-for-5, with the slam & legs.  In only 385 at-bats so far, he has 11 homers and 7 steals.  This is at the age of 21.  I.e. big things.  I.e. there stands for I expect.

Tommy Hanson – Quite the surprise; Hanson’s bullpen session was cancelled a day after he said his shoulder was fine.  Yup.

Jason Heyward – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and a homer as he fills in for Constanza…Or was Constanza filling in for him?  This is the most confusing re-imagining of All About Eve.

Jimmy Paredes – 1-for-4 and a homer.  The power may stop when he leaves Coors, but he’s worth a flyer for speed in deep leagues.

Aramis Ramirez – 5-for-5 with a double and 4 singles to match David Eckstein’s best game.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Was acquired by the Rockies for cash.  “Here’s a McDonaldland coupon for two apple pies.  You can CONSIDER it as cash.”

David Price – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks as Price got topped by Penny to lose the Showcase Showdown.

Desmond Jennings – 3-for-5 with a caught stealing.  Not cute moving the base 91 feet away.  Not cute at all.

Colby Lewis – 6 IP, 7 ER.  Hopefully Vogelsong doesn’t take this guy’s career trajectory two years removed from Japan.

Alfredo Simon – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks and, better still, he didn’t kill anyone.

Adam Jones – Was hospitalized with shortness of breath and mild chest pains.  Sounds like me after a weekend in Vegas.  Early tests say Jones will be fine.

Rod Barajas – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and now has 3 homers since last Friday.  Aye carambarajas!

Lucas Duda – 1-for-4, homer.  Know one way to stay hot while unattractive in mixed leagues?  Go 1-for-4 with a homer every couple of games.

Jon Niese – To the DL with a rib strain.  After giving up 8 runs, it’s more like the Phils gave him an RBI strain.

Jose Reyes – Set to return Monday.  Though the Mets didn’t say which Monday.  Very tricky, Mets, very tricky.

Angel Pagan – Almost went to the DL because of stomach pains during Monday’s game.  “You’re hitting out of the two hole.  Hitting!”

Kevin Youkilis, the Greek God of Back Pain, is off to the DL.  Yesterday, Ortiz took a boot to the foot and today this.  The Sawx are officially in rest up for the playoffs mode, which is great for all the pasty-faced Sawx fans, but it’s not great for fantasy.  So far this year, Youuuuuuk has 17 homers in 395 at-bats while batting .266.  So that means, if he were healthy in September, he’d give you some runs, RBIs and 3 homers.  I just popped a zit into a mirror and the puss read, “Whatever.”  You can find a replacement for Youk on waivers in most leagues.  So put on your Burger King crown you stole from some kid, open up your fantasy waivers and replace him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Lavarnway – Was called up.  Stephen just went over his Lavarnway fantasy.  He wrote it while throwing darts at a picture of me.  Lavarnway is worth noting because he hit 30 homers between Double- and Triple-A this year.  Now, rookie catcher is a tough position to be in.  Ask any recently incarcerated felon.  But Ortiz and Youk are both out, so Lavarnway will see everyday time at DH for the time being.  This is great news since he’s catcher eligible.

Marco Estrada – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I ignored him after his first start in the Brewers rotation when he threw five shutout innings vs. the hey-are-they-still-contending Pirates.  Now he threw another solid start but against a terrible offense.  His K-rate is nice and he could surprise against some weaker teams.  At this point, I’d really only push all my CHIPs in with Estrada in NL-Only leagues.

Mike Minor - 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Before you get too turned on by a minor, just remember this was against the Giants.  Minor’s last two starts against the Mets and Cubs were mediocre except for 11 Ks in 11.1 IP.

Tim Lincecum - Took the loss after giving up 1 ER in 7 IP.  He’s 11-10 with the third best ERA in the NL (2.53).  Matt Cain is just 10-9 with a 2.86 ERA (8th best in NL).  If I were Lincecum or Cain, I’d contact Greg Anderson or Victor Conte for some of the clear and then put it in every hitters’ after-game Anchor Steams.

Tommy Hanson – Won’t return on Tuesday.  Wake me when there’s something I don’t know! (Not really asleep, but I am a bit drunk.  Hey, is that an ad for a vacation to Burundi on Razzball?  I might like to go there!)

Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  You know how Jim Leyland’s cigarette-stained teeth make him look like one of those clown head’s at a carnival that has water sprayed into its mouth but instead of water it’s urine?  Now the exact opposite of that image is Kershaw.

Colby Rasmus  - Hit a HR in his 2nd straight game (and had 4 RBIs in the game before).  Must be because his Dad can finally coach him without the meddling of LaRussa and McGwire.

John Buck and Rod Barajas – Both catchers hit HRs on Thursday – Buck’s 14th and Barajas’ 11th.  Both are hitting under .230.  If Miguel Olivo kills a man, we just need 10 more peers for the jury.

Tyler Flowers – AJ Pierzynski’s rookie replacement has now hit in 4 straight games (7 hits) including a double, triple, and HR.  He’s had strikeout rate issues in the minors but also gets his share of walks and moderate power.  So, in essence, he’s Adam Dunn 2011.

Ricky Romero – A 3-hit shutout against the A’s with 6 Ks.  Imagine they still had Halladay and Marcum?  They’d be the best 3rd place team in the majors!

Joe Mauer – Started in the outfield for the first time in his pro career.  The Twins are reacquainting him with the outfield fences.

Erick Aybar – In the midst of a 6-for-56 August slump (.107).  Aybarumba!

Mark Trumbo – Hit a walk-off HR off Mike Adams.  The other Angels made sure to stay out of his way as he touched home.  The Morales family does the same thing whenever Kendry walks off.

Denard Span – Back to the DL because of the concussion he suffered in June.  At least he thinks it was June.

Jack Hannahan – Returned after his wife gave birthahan.  If the baby is half-Korean, my AL-Only team and his wife have something in common.

Mike Jacobs -  Has been suspended 50 games for testing positive for HGH.  On a related note, Marc Jacobs injected suspenders into his latest fashion line and it tested positively fabulous.

I usually like to wait a couple of months into the season to look at some of the catchers that couldn’t throw out your grandma even if she loses the tennis balls off her walker.  (What is the deal with those tennis balls?  I feel like that’s the kinda nonsense thing that would have a Facebook Fan Page.  Everyone who likes tennis balls on walkers!  Yay!  BTW, what did people do before Facebook?  Oh, yeah, Myspace.  BTW II, The Return of BTW, is there anything sadder than getting an email from Friendster.  Hey, come check out the new Friendster!  Sure, as soon as I get on the internet with this dial-up modem.)  Or some of the catchers that are quite agile — hey, it’s Italian!  I wait a few months because new catchers come into the league and I like to see a decent sample size — that’s what she said!  Anyway, here’s some of the best and worst catchers for fantasy baseball:

The Bad

Jonathan Lucroy – Has only thrown out 6 baserunners out of 33.  And he doesn’t even get to try and throw out Prince Fielder.  “Pretend 2nd base is a vegan muffin…Now run!”

John Jaso – 7 caught out of 35.  And John Jaso Jingleheimer Schmidt doesn’t have to try and throw out Upton.

Rod Barajas – He’s pretty tizzerrible, but Dioner, his backup, is less so.  And less Jaso, for that matter.

A.J. Pierzynski – The most runners have tried to go on A.J. outside of McCann.  From my two years in Kenya, I can tell you runners are total gossipers and they probably talk about how you can run on A.J.

Josh Thole – This post is an asset for short schedule days when you pick up a guy for one day to try and score a steal.  Thole, like Barajas, makes that hard because his backup is good at throwing out runners.

Jason Varitek/Jarrod Saltymochachino – The above comment for Thole doesn’t hold weight with this dynamic duo.  You, eating the Cheetos and scratching your underarm?  You could steal on these two.

Eli Whiteside – Eli doesn’t like to catch people stealing.  He likes to guilt them into not doing it.

The Good

Lou Marson – 13 caught, 14 allowed.  While Carlos Santana isn’t smooth at throwing out runners, you do not run on Lou Marson.  His last name anagrams to No Arms, but that shizz is a misnomer.

Ivan Rodriguez – 9 caught, 10 allowed.  Hey, maybe Boras can get him another $5 million now.

Wilson Ramos – Though Boras will have to try with another team, because Ramos is just as nasty — 12 caught, only 16 allowed.

Matt Wieters – 18-for-46.  Too bad that’s never his batting line over a week.