Fantasy Baseball Advice

In our fantasy baseball forums, there’s a great thread going about the Fantasy MVPs, Cy Youngs and the Least Valuable Players. So I thought I’d do a year end award special. Luckily, you won’t have to wear a tux for this or listen to Derek Jeter try to be funny. Speaking of Viagra — Vlad’s got one good leg and he’s not wearing a shoe on it. Anyway, here’s The 2008 Razzball Year End Awards:

Fantasy AL Most Valuable Player - Josh Hamilton - Did everything, except blow a random stranger for a crack rock.

Fantasy NL Most Valuable Player - Albert Pujols - Pronounced POO-holes.

Fantasy AL Cy Young - Cliff Lee - In ten years, Dennis Quaid is going to be portraying Cliff Lee in a movie of the week called, “2008: The Improbable Season.”

Fantasy NL Cy Young - Tim Lincecum - 265 Ks. Sorry, Grey, could you speak up? 265 Ks!

Fantasy AL Least Valuable Player - Travis Hafner - Victor Martinez - Alex Gordon - Carlos Guillen - As the co-co-co-co-winners of this award head up to the podium to accept the award, Pronk trips and his giant melon head crashes into the ground opening a black hole in the space-time continuum that sucks all four of these schmohawks into oblivion.

Fantasy NL Least Valuable Player - Rickie Weeks - Troy Tulowitzki - Rich Hill - When Alex Gordon, Pronk, V-Mart and Carlos Guillen crash to the ground in oblivion, they land on these three schmohawks.

Fantasy Hitter You Most Likely Dropped and Picked Up A Dozen Times - Jerry Hairston Jr. - He’s hitting well? All right, I’ll grab him for a short schedule day. He’s still hitting well? All right, I’ll pick him back up. He’s injured? I’m dropping him. He’s back. Awesome! He’s injured again. Now he’s back. No, he’s not. Yes, he is. Now he’s playing like Jerry Hairston Jr. again. Ugh…

Player You Had Forever and Most Wanted to Drop - JJ Putz - Why can’t I quit you, Putz?

Player On The Top Of Your Waivers That You Just Couldn’t Bring Yourself to Pick Up - Mike Napoli - Eh, I’ll just stick with Pudge.

Pitcher You Streamed So Much You Ended Up Owning Him - Jeremy Guthrie - You know you were actually upset when he went on the DL at the end of the year.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From, But Thankfully It Never Did - Cliff Lee - Luckily, I only swore on my pinkie finger that Lee wouldn’t keep up his pace.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and It Ended Up Kicking You in the Groin - Dan Uggla - Way to revert to the norm.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and When It Did You Were Okay With It - Edinson Volquez - You took some lumps in the 2nd half, but they could’ve been worst.

Player You Traded Away That You Most Regretted - CC Sabathia - Why was he so bad in April?!

Player You Traded For That You Most Regretted - Robinson Cano - Do I send the hate mail to the old Yankee Stadium or the new one?

Best Roofie Pitcher - Johnny Cueto - Max Scherzer - Clayton Krenshaw - Manny Parra

Best Jockular Sphincteritis - Kaz Matsui

Top Cuddle Boy - Fernando Rodney

Top SAGNOF - Willy Taveras/Jose Valverde (Tie)

Top Bowden Fluffer - Delmon Young

Top ESPN Analcyst - Eric Karabell

Player Who “Pulled A Kotchman“ - Rafael Furcal/Phil Hughes (Tie)

Player You Most Wanted To Run Over With a Tractor - Travis Hafner - Because Co-Co-Co-Co-Least Valuable Player Award Wasn’t Enough.

Remember That Feeling You Had When You Walked In On Your Parents Having Sex, This Pitcher Gave You That Feeling Every Fifth Day - Aaron Harang

Whaddup, boyz! Okay, we went over top 20 catchers for 2008 already. But you weren’t happy with just that. You wanted more. So we went over the top 20 1st basemen. But did that satiate you? Please, you don’t even know what satiate means. So here we are with the top 20 2nd basemen for 2008. Happy now? I know, maybe for a day. Unlike our previous top 20 lists, the top 20 2nd basemen might excite you a bit. This is all dependent on how coal-black your heart is, of course. Will this list draw animated wings on your sneakers and help you fly around room? I sure hope so. Anyway, here’s the top 20 2nd basemen for 2008 in fantasy baseball and how they compared to where we originally ranked them:

1. Dustin Pedroia - Booyakasha, Buju Banton!  A funny thing happened on the way to the end of the season, offense was severely down. Not just in the top twenty 1st basemen, but in this list as well. I wasn’t terribly off with my preseason predictions for Pedroia, but his rank was 14th in the preseason and he came in 1st. Insane. I want a new ‘roid.  One that won’t be detected. One that will let a 2nd basemen hit like Kent and help Brian Roberts be respected. Preseason Rank #14, Preseason Predictions:  105/12/60/.300/12, Final Numbers: 118/17/83/.326/20

2. Chase Utley - You know Utley, so I’m going to relay a story. A friend of mine is a career minor leaguer. He’s had a few cups of coffee in the majors, but to follow that analogy to its conclusion, he’s still drowsy. A couple of years back, he got the September call-up for the Phillies. Being a starter in the minors, he was thrust into the coveted mop-up role. So it’s a 9-1 game, or some equally lopsided score, and my friend gets the call. To everyone in the stadium, it meant a pee break. To him, he got to jog out to a major league mound, something he dreamt about since he was a boy. The appearance was nothing more than a blip on some discarded box score. For him, it was two innings struggling to get hitters out. It was his day, yet it just wasn’t. Back in the locker room afterwards, players still went up and congratulated him on getting to the show. But not Utley. Nope. Utley bought him two prostitutes. They were delivered on one condition, Utley wanted to bang them first. Preseason Rank #1, Preseason Predictions:  120/32/115/.325/12, Final Numbers: 113/33/104/.292/14

3. Ian Kinsler - Would’ve been number one if it wasn’t for a testy testes.  Going down in mid-August, he lost a month and half and still got the job done like Big Daddy Kane. Preseason Rank #6, Preseason Predictions:  110/25/70/.270/25, Final Numbers: 102/18/71/.319/26

4. Brian Roberts - Okay, I’m not a fan. It’s been well-documented on this site. Use the search, candy ass! But… and this is a Queen Latifah-sized but, there’s not a whole lot of guys below Roberts that I really want either. Ugh, 2nd base. The Mapquest said your road was open. Preseason Rank #5, Preseason Predictions:  105/10/55/.290/30, Final Numbers: 107/9/57/.296/40

5. B.J. Upton - Upton had a bizarre season (and similar to Rios). He gave you value, but not quite the type of value you were hoping for, which is a double-edged sword or whatever cliché applies. You needed more power from Upton so, speed or not, he left you wanting more. Preseason Rank #3, Preseason Predictions:  100/30/85/.280/27, Final Numbers: 85/9/67/.273/40

6. Mark DeRosa - One of those guys that ranks so high because he gave you a little bit of everything.  While at the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston, I realized I usually prefer a player that has a lot of one thing rather than the player that gives you a little bit of everything. Why, Grey? Please, fill our heads with fantasy smarts. Ok, random italicized voice, most guys that give you one of something, actually do give you that one thing. For instance, take Ryan Howard (to a Sizzler. My man’s hungry. Wocka-wocka-wocka…). Howard will give you power. Now take Conor Jackson. He’s giving you… Um… Average! Then… Um… Maybe some power. Maybe some speed. In other words, guys that give you a little bit of everything, could give you a lot of nothing. Let me emphasize, this does not include guys that give you a lot of everything (Hanley) or a lot of one thing (Reyes). Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 103/21/87/.285/6

7. Jose Lopez - Went over yesterday in the top 1st basemen for 2008.

8. Brandon Phillips - Here’s what I said in September regarding what I said in January, “…He wasn’t benched until August for the slump that was “all in his head,” (instead of my original January prediction of July)…” And that’s me referencing me, quoting me and paraphrasing me! Preseason Rank #4, Preseason Predictions:  80/19/75/.240/25, Final Numbers:  79/21/77/.262/23

9. Dan Uggla - After going into the All-Star break with a .286 average, he tried his damnedest to get to my predicted .245 average. Preseason Rank #9, Preseason Predictions:  95/30/80/.245, Final Numbers:  97/32/92/.260/5

10. Alexei Ramirez - He’s getting comparisons to Alfonso Sorinao for his smile, swing and doctoring birth certificate skills.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 65/21/77/.290/13

11. Ryan Theriot - In January, I thought Theriot looked like a nice end of draft bargain. In October, I look like I was right. (Note: Theriot was ranked with the SS in the preseason. In all fairness, I would’ve ranked him about here.) Preseason Predictions:  105/3/50/.290/45, Final Numbers:  85/1/38/.307/22

12. Placido Polanco - And here’s the epitome of a little bit of everything. Preseason Rank #12, Preseason Predictions:  90/7/65/.310/7, Final Numbers:  90/8/58/.307/7

13. Kelly Johnson - In reality, he’s a little bit better than Polanco, but his average lands him just below him. Preseason Rank #11, Preseason Predictions:  85/17/65/.275/12, Final Numbers:  86/12/69/.287/11

14. Mike Aviles - Considering he didn’t start playing full-time until June, you got a ton of value from Aviles and he probably saved a lot of you the agony of rotating Piss Boys, i.e. Willie Harris and Joe Inglett.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  68/10/51/.325/8

15. Ty Wigginton - During the month of August, Razzball declared it National Wigginton’s On My Team Month So Be Gone Yunel Escobar as Wigginton slugged a new Astros record 12 home runs. That’s right, one insane month and he made it to 15th on the top 20 2nd basemen list. One more good month and he would’ve finished top two. (Note: He was ranked for 3rd basemen, not 2nd basemen.) Preseason Predictions:  70/20/70/.270, Final Numbers:  50/23/58/.285

16. Kaz Matsui - Godzilla Jr. is better than Dinosaur Jr. I have nothing else nice to say about Kaz.  Preseason Rank #16, Preseason Predictions:  75/3/30/.275/25, Final Numbers:  58/6/33/.293/20

17. Clint Barmes - I told you to pick up this schmohawk in April. You could possibly hold that against me. Preseason Unranked, Preseason Predictions:  Bizarre Injury from meat, Final Numbers:  47/11/44/.290/13

18. Yunel Escobar - Went from underrated to underperforming in under two months. (Note: Preseason Rank #18 for SS.) Preseason Predictions:  80/10/55/.285/15, Final Numbers:  71/10/60/.288/2

19. Robinson Cano - At some point in May, I convinced myself that Robinson Cano was a buy and due for a turnaround. At some point, someone should have beat me over the head with a blunt object. Oh, Cano, you let me down. Preseason Rank #2 (coincidentally Cano took a number two all season), Preseason Predictions:  100/25/100/.295/3, Final Numbers:  70/14/72/.271/2

20. Akinori Iwamura - More incredible than this schmohawk appearing on the list is Cano showing up right before him and Weeks would be right after him. If you saw that coming, there’s bukkake in your eye. Preseason Rank, None, but rank’s second most common definition is “offensively gross,” Preseason Predictions:  Offensively gross is not a euphemism for a productive hitter, Final Numbers: Bleh!

Shaun Marcum, who decided to shit fantasy owners’ houses when he returned from his injury, was sent to the minors to work on his mechanics. Will return in September when rosters expand, but at this point you don’t want him deciding your fantasy championship. Drop him, unless your league is Cousteau deep. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Johnny Cueto - Removed after three innings with some soreness in his right triceps. Might be the last we see of Cueto this year. (Actually it should be the last we see of him.) This could bode well for next year, since it won’t allow Dusty to abuse his arm any further.

John Maine - Might get shutdown for the rest of the season. Even if he doesn’t, he shouldn’t be started in any leagues shallower than 15-team right now. As I told you, when he was pitching “decently” against the Nats and Pirates, all the walks will catch up to him and are a sign that things ain’t right. Well, they’re not right, he has a bone spur in his shoulder.

Alex Gordon - Headed to the DL with a torn quadriceps. Before he took his first swing in the big leagues, there were George Brett comparisons. There still are, but they’ve changed slightly. Now, “I saw Brett take a crap that could hit better than Gordon.”

Ricky Nolasco - 7 1/3 innings and 10 Ks. Been incredible for almost two months. I told you I liked him on July 2nd. If you didn’t grab him, you blame yourself. He’s still a too-many-innings concern.

Jack Hannahan - 2 HRs. He only needs twenty-three homers in September to have a respectable season. As they say in Scuba classes, don’t hold your breath.

CC Sabathia - 6 IP, 1 ER, but loss the win when Torres blew it. This is why I throw nine innings and 140 pitches every start!

Salomon Torres - Blown save, but Torres actually has been fine, just a bad break for CC and his owners.

Mike Cameron - 5-for-5 with a HR and a steal. I’ve been telling people to pickup Mike Cameron for a while now. If you don’t, that’s your bad.

Chris Dickerson - 2 HRs in last two games. I beat Dickerson into the ground when he was first called up. Again, there’s no reason why he should be on waivers in any league.

Robinson Cano - 4-for-5, HR. Batting about .310 since the All-Star break. One of these years, you would think, he has to put together a good season from April until October. I would think, at least.

Rocco Baldelli - 2 HRs in the last three games and batting .400 in last seven. I’m not saying drop anyone worthwhile for him, but this could be the start of something, especially if he starts at DH and if he runs the bases in a bubble.

Dan Wheeler - Blown save, but for those that missed it, it should’ve been a save, Riggans blew it. This denied Sonnanstine the club record for wins with 14, which is currently held by Roland Arrojo. Ah, yes, the storied history of the Tampa Bay Rays. (BTW, recently overheard in Tampa,  “When does spring training start? I miss baseball. Go Yankees!”)

Jo-Jo Reyes - Got pounded by the Cards yesterday. I like what he’s done in the minors and I still like him going forward, but if he doesn’t excel against the Nats in his next start… Well, he shouldn’t be on anyone’s team.

Carlos Beltran - 2 HRs, bringing his total to 19. Every year he somehow puts up a solid season, while simultaneously yawnstipating you.

Luis Ayala - Has only given up one hit in five innings with the Mets, which included a save and a win. Meanwhile, Heilman, Feliciano and others have continued to resemble a wart on the genital region of the Mets.

Some rejected titles, Will Bill Still Thrill on the Hill?, Illy Billy, Wagner’s Closed, You Can’t Spell Duaner Sanchez Without Nude Ranch and my personal favorite, Billy Wagner, Act Your Age. Billy Wagner, the Mets closer and guy with the first name Billy, reports tightness in his shoulder. He was scheduled to have an MRI, but Billy’s scared of whatever MRI stands for. (Imaging something, but I’m doing this late on a Monday night, so you’re gonna have to bear with me. Or bare with me on a Nude Ranch. Rawrr!) Duaner Sanchez will probably fill-in for Wagner if he misses time. Heilman would be second in command. After that, coin flip! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jorge Posada - To the DL. Might be out for the year. Keep a close eye on this. (Oops, I meant to write, “Keep a closed eye on this.”)

Clayton Kershaw - He’s back and going against the Rockies on Tuesday. If you’re thinking about grabbing him, here’s the yay or nay list. I’d prefer Campillo, Weeks, Kobayashi, Kuroda, Wolf (at home) and Hermida over Kershaw. I want Kershaw over Olsen, Eveland, Edwin Jackson, any A’s or Mariners hitter except Ichiro, Jo-Jo Reyes and Jobacum. Finally, I possibly want Kershaw over Guthrie depending on how Guthrie looks in his next start. He was not good in last year’s 2nd half and his leash is short, as they say in the zoology.

Luis Ayala - I’ve pretty much ignored the Fuentes trade rumors because I don’t think the Rockies are out of the division race and I don’t think they’re moving Fuentes. On the other hand, Rauch should be traded. I’ve picked up Ayala in a few leagues as I await the news.

Jose Valverde - 6 ER in 1/3 of an inning. Brandon Lyon, “Man, he sucks!”

Brett Myers - Soda Popinski is back. I’d take Kershaw over him.

Rickie Weeks - HR yesterday. He looks like a 25-year-old Ray Durham.

Randy Wolf - I kinda wanted to make this the lead for today’s post, but I couldn’t justify it. So the Astros are in discussions to acquire Randy Wolf, the pride of Canoga Park, CA. Seriously, you can’t make this shizz up. Randy Wolf, of a 6.63 road ERA is who the Astros want to acquire. Randy Wolf, of an almost 5.00 ERA in Minute Maid Park over the last three years. Randy Wolf, the guy who fantasy baseball owners know to sit in road games is who the Astros are going after. The Astros, who are 12 games back. Why are the Astros even going after someone? Why Randy Wolf?! I have to move on before this gives me a logic tumor.

Scott Kazmir - 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 Ks. I hope he keeps it up; I just don’t think he will.

Rich Harden - 7 IP, 1 H, 1 ER, 10 Ks. Kazmir vs. Harden in The Series…. of Injuries.

Kip Wells - In our Razzball league, where I’m currently in last 1st (I think. There’s an at-bat minimum that Yahoo doesn’t factor in, so the standings aren’t always accurate.), I forgot to move Kip Wells into my lineup.  Sonavabench! He only pitched a third of an inning and he gave up 7 ER. 189.00 ERA, 24.00 WHIP. This is the equivalent of having a 24 inning perfect game on your bench. Or a Marcus Thames 17 home run game on your bench. I so wanna bang my head into a moving car.

Miguel Cabrera - 5-for-6. Now at .290, he will end the season at .320. You do the math!

Matt Joyce - When I saw the Tigers scored 19, I knew the man with the smarty-pants sounding name had to get at least 3 RBIs. He got 5 and went 4-for-6. Matt Joyce was just named the Player of the Week and is on the business end side of the platoon when Mags pushes him.

Jon Lester - Held the Mariners scoreless through 7 1/3 innings as Lester drove them McNulty.

Troy Tulowitzki - 4-for-4. Now he just needs to go 146 for his next 146 and he’ll salvage his season.

Robinson Cano - Why don’t the Yankees send him to Winter Ball so he thinks April is the middle of the season?

I was drunk for the first three months of the fantasy baseball season. That’s right, blitzed. Three coladas to the wind. Someone would ask me for fantasy baseball advice and I’d type out my answers with a celery stalk that was drenched in booze. Chris Davis or Chase Headley? I’d play eeny-meeny-miney-moe with my cocktail umbrellas. Start Kuroda? I’d ask whatever nogoodnik was on the stool next to me at the local watering hole. But I had, as drunks say, a moment of clarity. So I decided to take the All-Star Break as an opportunity to look back at some ill-advised fantasy baseball advice that I gave and make amends. As Josh Hamilton would say, “It’s Step 8. Make a list of all persons we have harmed, and make amends to them all. Apologize especially to Milton Bradley, or he’ll stab you with a spork.” Anyway, here goes some apologies for first half fantasy baseball advice that makes me lucky the American Mustache Institute doesn’t revoke my license to have a mustache:

Travis Hafner - I placed him 4th overall for all first basemen. Not only did Hafner not deliver what I had hoped, he didn’t deliver anything, except a message that read, “I don’t deserve my uber-cool nickname, Pronk, and my bones have atrophied 500% in the last two years.” Unless Hafner gets in that pool from the movie, “Cocoon,” we’re done with each other forever. Skinny dip with Wilford Brimley or it’s goodbye. Your call, Pronk.

Rich Hill - I put everyone in this schmohawk, including Carl in the first comment here. I think Carl promised to hate me forever if the trade backfired. Luckily, all he lost was Krispie Young. I hate you, Rich Hill, for coming between me and Carl!

Jeff Francoeur - Even in leagues that don’t count OBP, I hate guys that don’t take a walk, but Frenchy had a certain je ne sais quoi. Maybe his free swinging ways made him like Vlad, but white — as most Vlads are.  Well, I was wrong here (even choosing him over Josh Hamilton in that ‘pert league), here and here. I swung and missed with Franceour about as many times as he did. Next time I tout Frenchy, my article title may as well be, “Grey’s Gay for Francoeur.”

Robinson Cano - There were times on this site when I should’ve changed my Don Mattingly look-a-like picture and put Cano up there with a big heart over it. I was blinded by Cano’s youth and flat, line drive stroke that is Carew-like. (If his swing was anymore like Carew’s, he’d have to circumcise the knobs on his bat.) Or maybe I was attracted to Cano’s absurdly low BABIP that made me think again and again he had to be a Buy Low…. Actually, I’m still buying. Act like you know, MC Lyte!

Edwin Encarnacion - When I placed him 15th out of all third basemen, I said this, “Maybe I’m effin’ crazy, but I like Encarnacion.” I was crazy. See, your first instinct is always right. Go ask Malcolm Gladwell.

Alex Gordon - I loved Gordon coming into the year. Was I wrong? That’s what this post is about. Why are you asking rhetorical questions that do nothing but hurt me? When you cut me, do I not bleed?

Alexis Rios - This is Rios’s fault as much as it’s mine. Why does your swing have to be so sweet?

Aaron Harang - I called Harang up the other day on my cellular phone. “Grey here.” “Oh, I was just calling in an order for some Hot & Sour Soup and potstickers and didn’t hear the phone ring.” “Yeah, that’s cool. Listen–” “Who did you say you were again?” “Never mind that.  Just let me say something.” “Um… Who?” “Listen, this isn’t easy. I’m sorry for putting so much pressure on you. I thought you were a solid starter that was wholly underrated. I see now you weren’t underappreciated, just under-skilled–” “This is an apology?” “Yeah, give me a second. So when I told everyone they should not only draft you, but trade for you. Why did you then shit my house? Cause I think the–” “This doesn’t sound like an apology.” “I’m getting to it!” “Okay, but I think I have another call.” “Oh, okay, I just figured you owed me some kind of apology–” “Me apologize to you?” “Yeah, you completely ruined five of my fantasy teams!” “I thought you were the one who was supposed to apologize.” “Yeah, you’re right. I apologize for believiing in you, you fat, mother– Hello? Hello? Aaron?”