Fantasy Baseball Advice

We already went over the top 20 catchers for 2009 and the top 20 1st first basemen for 2009.  Today, it’s all about the top 20 2nd basemen.  The 2nd basemen pool is shallow (not as kiddie-sized as the shortstops, but we’ll get to them in the next post).  Because of this shallowivity (Made Up Word Of The Day!), the 2nd basemen rankings can be split up into two tiers.  The guys you want and the tomato-tomahto guys.  The Guys You Want’s names kinda give them away.  The Tomato-Tomahto Guys are a whole group of 2nd basemen that are so close to each other in rank, it really didn’t matter which one of them you owned.  At one time or another during the season, you probably dropped one of the Tomato-Tomahtos for a different Tomato-Tomahto.  Everyone probably has one Tomato-Tomahto guy that they hated during the season.  I have a few.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 2nd basemen for 2009 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Chase Utley – He was my choice for NL MVP in the preseason.  He’s going to be my 2010 NL MVP preseason selection.  Probably will be my 2011 preseason NL MVP choice and maybe my pick in 2012.  Then, one day when Pujols is not only hurt, but plays hurt, Utley will win it.  Preseason Rank #1, 2009 Projections:  105/29/105/.295/10, Final Numbers: 112/31/93/.282/23

2. Aaron Hill – Let’s get it out of the way upfront, there was some surprises in the 2nd basemen rankings.  We (or you) can sit there and say to yourself, “Gadzooks, Grey did a terrible job of ranking the 2nd basemen.”  First, who says gadzooks?  Are you in a comic strip?  Second, no one ranked Aaron Hill, Ben Zobrist, Marco Scutaro, Adam Kennedy et al anywhere near the top fifteen coming into the season.  There’s the top guys and there’s the bottom guys at MI.  This is why I usually punt the middle and avoid middle infielders between rounds 7 and 15.  Either get a top one, or ignore and take a flier later.  More will be said on this in the offseason.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  103/36/108/.286/6

3. Robinson Cano -  Someone has a terrific season the previous year (Pedroia, Hamilton) and I pulled back for 2009.  A player craps the bed in the previous season (Robinson Cano) and I got excited about them for 2009.  This is the story of my life with women too.  Kick me in the nads and I’ll buy you steel-tipped boots.  Preseason Rank #8, 2009 Projections:  80/18/85/.310/3, Final Numbers:  103/25/85/.320/5

4. Brian Roberts – My predicted numbers weren’t that far off from where he ended up.  Didn’t like him in April of 2008, didn’t like him in April of 2009, I think I might like him a bit more in 2010 because he’s finally become predictable.  Predictable is a good thing, maybe the best of things and no good thing ever dies.  Preseason Rank #6, 2009 Projections:  105/10/50/.285/30, Final Numbers:  110/16/79/.283/30

5. Ben Zobrist – Almost surprising as his season is his Christian faith (come on, his name is screaming for a mohel).  Everyone knows the good, so let’s look at the glass half empty.  17/52 and 11 steals with a .297 average in the 1st half.  In the 2nd half, 10/39 in 9 more at-bats.  Not terrible, just not as good.  His eligibility definitely helped offset the regression.   Nevertheless, it was there.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  91/27/91/.297/17

6. Ian Kinsler – It’s great to finally see what he’s capable of over an entire season.  He’s a liability on average, plus speed and nearly as solid as Utley elsewhere.  Preseason Rank #2, 2009 Projections:  110/23/80/.280/25, Final Numbers:  101/31/86/.253/31

7. Dustin Pedroia – This was the season I was worried about when I advised people (that’s you!) to stay away from Pedrioa.  Was 2009 a terrible season?  No, I never thought for one second he’d be terrible.  I just didn’t buy into him as a 2nd round pick and a repeat of his MVP season.  Preseason Rank #5, 2009 Projections:  110/15/75/.310/15, Final Numbers:  115/15/72/.296/20

8. Brandon Phillips – For some reason, no one seems to trust Phillips.  20/20 for three seasons straight and he gets no respect.  Whatevs, I’ll keep owning him since no one else wants to.  Preseason Rank #3, 2009 Projections:  90/25/80/.270/25, Final Numbers:  78/20/98/.276/20

9. Asdrubal Cabrera – With a swift kick to the nuts, the tomato-tomahto portion of the program begins.  It didn’t really matter which of these guys you owned, they were all productive at some points during the season and yawnstipating at other times.  Preseason Rank #21, 2009 Projections:  90/12/60/.275/10, Final Numbers:  81/6/68/.308/17

10. Marco Scutaro – If you would’ve told me in February there would be two Blue Jay 2nd basemen in the top 10, I would’ve punched you in the mouth.  MAR…co… SCUT…aro… had a decent season for a guy that probably wasn’t even owned in your league for a third of the season and returned from Asia with pasta.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  100/12/60/.282/14

11. Adam Kennedy – Gene Rayburn, “2nd base is so shallow…”  You, “How shallow is it?”  Kennedy had only a good May and September and he’s ranked 11th overall.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  65/11/63/.289/20

12. Felipe Lopez -  You would think a guy whose ADP was 213 and who is ranked this high would have been a huge success.  You’d be dead wrong.  So many times I wanted to cut the Fe-Lopezian tubes, then he’d go and have a 1-for-3 game with 1 Run and I’d hold him.  Ugh, he had one of the more frustrating seasons.  How does he only steal 6 bases all year?!  Ryan Howard stole 8 bases!  Preseason Unranked, but he did make the Cheap Alternatives post, Final Numbers:  88/9/57/.310/6

13. Jose Lopez – I usually go with speed at MI, but, if you needed power there, J. Lo turned in a perfectly respectable season.  I would’ve taken his season over F. Lo any day of the week and twice on Muesday.  Preseason Rank #10, 2009 Projections:  80/15/85/.280/5, Final Numbers:  69/25/96/.272/3

14. Alexei Ramirez – When you’re ranked within sneezing distance of Luis Castillo, I hope you get Swine Flu.  Ramirez had one good month (May, 7 homers, 2 steals while batting .283) and 4 yawnstipating months.  How does he only steal 4 bases from June 19th on?  I think I’ve found my first candidate of the offseason that I won’t be drafting on any teams in 2010.  No matter what stories come out of spring training. Alexei has never seen the ball this well before! Alexei gained 120 of muscle mass! Alexei can go to hell.  Preseason Rank #4, 2009 Projections:  95/22/90/.285/15, Final Numbers:  71/15/68/.277/14

15. Maicer Izturis – Maicer, what goes on?  Maicer…  It’s funny all the people ending the season at exactly .300 or just over it.  Don’t make me get Vin Scully to recount the story of how Ted Williams started both sides of a doubleheader while sitting on .400 for the season.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  74/8/65/.300/13

16. Alberto Callaspo – I liked him in the preseason, but even with that like, I couldn’t generate the enthusiasm to draft him anywhere.  Let’s face it, his mother barely gets excited about his hitting.  Was also mentioned in that Cheap Alternatives thingamapost, Final Numbers:  79/11/73/.300/2

17. Luis Castillo – Please don’t make me say anything about Castillo.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  77/1/40/.302/20

18. Placido Polanco – Placido Polanco is Yoda to Callaspo’s Luke.  Can we just call these guys Polancallaspo?  Preseason Rank #14, 2009 Projections:  90/7/55/.310/7, Final Numbers:  82/10/72/.285/7

19. Dan Uggla – Even with how awful this list is, Aramis Ramirez, with 2nd base eligibility, would not have made this list.  Yes, 2nd base was deeper than 3rd base.  Bring back steroids!  Preseason Rank #7, 2009 Projections:  85/30/100/.255/5, Final Numbers:  84/31/90/.243/2

20. Clint Barmes – This is one of my big problems with the ESPN Player Rater (this is where these rankings come from; makes it less subjective).  I’d rank Barmes as the last guy you’d want and above all the tomato-tomahtos.  I don’t really mind the average, but his homers and steals were valuable.  This is how I ended up with Mark Reynolds on all my teams in 2009 and how I will probably have Barmes on some 2010 teams.  (This is not official yet, we’re still recapping.  Barmes needs an everyday job.)  Was ranked 20th as a Shortstop, 2009 Projections:  75/12/55/.270/12, Final Numbers:  69/23/76/.245/12

Eric Young, Jr. was in the September call up post, but it turns out he’s a preemie by a week.  Young has so many steals in the minors he’s worth a pickup in every league.  How many steals, you ask.  Well, I was getting there if you give me a second.  In the last four years of the minors, he has 87, 73, 46 and 58 steals, respectively.  Or disrespectfully, holy effin hey, are you kidding me?  In my never-ending rotation of schmohawks (thanks Beltran!), I dropped Alcides Escobar for Young in one league and chucked Drew Stubbs for him in another.  Will Young play every day?  Seems doubtful.  He has been playing in the outfield for at least a few days and will occasionally spell Barmes — B-A-R-M-E-S.  I think he’ll see four to five days a week, but for those needing steals, you know the drill.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Johan Santana – Done for the season.  This, and his lackluster (for him) season, might actually help Johan come at a discount in 2010 drafts.  I wouldn’t reach for him because I don’t believe in drafting pitchers early, but I could see him falling into the 5th or 6th rounds of early drafts.  The reason why I specify early is because once Johan looks good in spring training, he’ll bump up a round or two.  Then if Johan looks terrible in March, you’ll want to trade him for Nick Markakis.  Oh, and your fly’s open.  Don’t ask me how I know.

Billy Wagner – Headed to the Sox before The Curse of the Shirtless Bernazard got him.  He’ll back up Papelbon and, as a commenter pointed out yesterday, hopefully he turns out better than The Gagne Experiment™ in 2007.

Hank Blalock – Will be a bench player and will be asked to perform Cole Porter’s Anything Goes.  This is good news for Chris Davis.  Now for Davis to do something with this vote of confidence.

Freddy Sanchez – Headed to the DL.  Postdate this next comment 2011:  The Giants trade for Sanchez will cost them dearly.

Jake Peavy – Doode just can’t win.  On the next to last batter in his last minor league start, he was hit on the elbow by a comebacker.  Cue Kudrow, “I did not need to see that!”  Now because of elbow soreness, he might not be able to pitch this Saturday vs. the Yanks.

Joba Chamberlain – 4 IP, 7 ER.  He’s going again on regular rest this Sunday vs. the Orioles, so I can kinda understand holding him until then, but he’s really unstartable.  Then, on top of that, he’s been skipped here and there.  Okay, he’s not unstartable; he’s unownable.

Jorge Posada – Hit his 16th homer yesterday.  I’m calling a bogey on February Grey who said Posada was done.  He obviously was not done.  Being wrong at catcher is the position to be wrong at, but nevertheless still wrong.

Robinson Cano – Hit his 20th homer yesterday.  Not wrong here, because in the preseason I put him in the “Good value before we get to total Crapolanco” Tier.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 2 baserunners, 0 ER in Atlanta.  I’m guessing a lot of people were sonavabenched on this one.

Jimmy Rollins – 2 HRs yesterday.  Coming up after the break, J. Rolled The Dorf.

Brad Lidge – No outs recorded, 3 earned.  Lidge has blown nine games this year, an 0-6 record and a 7.33 ERA.  If anyone happens to run into Lidge, give him my regards.  And, by regards, I mean the middle finger.  (BTW, On one team of mine, I had Lidge, Frank², Capps and Bell all give up runs and blow three saves.  Bad week to quit sniffing glue.)

Ryan Doumit – Obviously just needed the additional push of me putting him in Friday’s Sell.  He now has 2 homers in his last three games.

Travis Snider – Hit another homer yesterday and now two in three games.  I have an idea, stop Kemping him and move him up the order.

Carlos Pena – 2 HRs.  Six homers in the last week and a half.  On August 13th, I asked how many homers does Pena have left in his bat?  I gave the over/under of 13.  That means he has an over/under of 7 left.

Carlos Zambrano – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  I admire Big Z for returning from the DL with a mustache, but this start did not make ’stached men proud.  No, sir.  Clay Zavada and I may need to have a word with him.

Josh Willingham – 4-for-4, 2 HRs, 5 Runs and 6 RBIs.  This is the total production of Jose Reyes’s 2009 season.

Zach Grienke – 8 IP, 2 ER, 15 Ks.  *speechless*

Adam Wainwright – 8 IP, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His ERA is only .08 away from Greinke.  Cust kayin’.

Bronson Arroyo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 Ks.  Continued his post-All-Star break march of excellence.  He’ll fool someone next March who thinks he’s going to be good in April, May and June.

Felipe Lopez – 4-for-5 with his 8th homer.  He left the game in the ninth and is day-to-day.  It’s nice and all that he’s hitting .319, but 6 steals on the year is not buttering the biscuit.

Delmon Young – 4-for-5 yesterday.  Wait, Delmon Young actually had a good game yesterday?  Glory be!  Only 18 months after predicted.

Howie Kendrick – HR yesterday as he started only his third game in the last week.  In some ways, I kinda understand what Scioscia is doing with Kendrick’s playing time.  I mean, everyone on the Angels is slap-hitting .300 right now.  He could run out there Dick Schofield and he’d hit .300.

Laynce Nix/Jayson Nix – 3 HRs combined yesterday.  Their older brother, Jaymes Nix got drunk.

Ryan Garko was traded to the Aints for Scott Barnes, no relation to Priscilla.  Not sure why the Indians traded a cheap guy with 11 homers and a .285/.362/.464 line.  Maybe the Giants offered some trinkets to the Indians.  Besides his season line, Garko has been hot recently (.429 in his last seven games with two homers).  Pac Bell/AT&T/The Fridge That Sandoval Raids is not a hitter’s haven, but Garko should hit in the heart of the order and see every day playing time.  Definitely worth pursuing in NL-Only leagues and 12 team leagues, if you’re hurting at corner. The other name worth mentioning is Andy Marte, who was called up by the Indians yesterday.  In Triple-A this year, Marte has a .329/.366/.590 line with 17 homers in just under 300 ABs.  Not too long ago, Marte was a blue chip prospect in the minors.  But Marte’s middle name may as well be Prospect-Shmespect.  As in, show it in the majors, Prospect-Shmespect.  Marte may get that chance again, but outside of very deep mixed leagues (15+ teams) and AL-Only leagues, you need to take a wait and see approach.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josh Hamilton – Dropped to 7th in the order. We may need to start calling him Josh 20081stHalfilton.  Where’s Brokeback Hamilton?

Daric Barton – Headed to the DL.  I’ve already talked too much about this schmohawk.

Bronson Arroyo – The Yankees denied interest in Arroyo.  Nice neg.

Jonny Gomes – 2 HRs yesterday vs. two righties. Will be harder for Dusty to bungle The Gomes Situation™ with Dickerson on the DL.  Gomes should get the majority of starts… Oh, who am I kidding, Dusty will still find a way.

Tommy Hunter – 7 IP, 1 ER.  He could’ve pitched a shutout and I’d be saying the same thing here.  Don’t go near him.  His minor league stats are yawnstipating.  He will leave you crying in the corner of your cubicle.

Billy Butler – 5-for-5, Voice from the future, “Next year Grey will be excited about him in the preseason.”

James Shields – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  He’s gonna need a freakin’ shield if I ever run into him on the street.  Can’t start him away, can’t start him at home… How does he have a 3.87 ERA on the year?  When did he ever pitch good?  I don’t remember that.  Yesterday, I said to Rudy over IM, “Shields is getting rocked again. What else is knew (sic)?”  Rudy, “He usually waits until the 6th or 7th inning.”

Pat Burrell – HR yesterday.  Hasn’t gotten hot like I would’ve thought, but there’s still time.

Nick Swisher – 2 HRs.  He dedicated both homers to his fallen comrades (his sideburns).

Robinson Cano – I never watch the Yankees because everyone knows about them and ESPN does a fine job of covering every one of their moves/non-moves/possible moves, but I watched them yesterday (cause of freakin’ Shields).  Anyway, Cano tried to steal 2nd.  He was out by five steps.  I have a new contest for next year’s All-Star game festivities, Guys Who Look Fast But Are Remarkably Slow Race Against Guys Who Look Slow But Are Fast.  First heat, Cano vs. Pablo Sandoval.  Like you wouldn’t watch this.

Randy Wolf – 6 IP, 2 ER.  Of course he got no run support.  Unlucky like a Wolf.

Josh Beckett – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 Ks and his 12th win.  My AL Cy Young prediction doesn’t look too bad so far.  Will depend on how much imagination capturing Greinke’s still doing.

Adam LaRoche – 2-for-4, with two half-homers.  Has now started three days in a row.  Meanwhile, Lowell trimmed his goatee.

Everth Cabrera – HR yesterday, while Kyle Blanks stole a base.  That was nice of Homer Bailey to let Everth hit from second and give Blanks a 59 foot lead off first.

Homer Bailey – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  He’s trying to sucker you in.  Don’t fall for it.

Ryan Zimmerman – HR yesterday.  Might be finally getting hot again.  Took about 2 months.  Maybe it was my snide comparison of him to Kouzmanoff yesterday (who also homered).

Josh Willingham – Two grand slams yesterday and 4 homers in the last 7 games. When they’re hot, and this even goes for Nationals players, they’re worth owning everywhere.  BTW, with 8 RBIs yesterday, guess how many RBIs Willingham has on the season?  39.  He recorded a fourth of his RBI total in one game… In almost August.  That’s incredible, and not the good kind of incredible.

Garrett Atkins – Started at first, and since Helton usually bats third, Atkins batted third.  Jim Tracy must be a disciple of Leyland.

Corey Hart – He gets sizzling.  Why do I tell you this?  Because he has two homers in the past two games.

Jeff Francoeur – 3 homers and batting .429 in the last seven games.  I fully expect him to fall on his face again, but maybe Frenchy’s not toast.

Alfonso Soriano – Grand slam yesterday.  He also gets scalding hot for extended periods of time.  Or see Hart, Corey, or two above.

Carlos Lee – And another guy who’s finally picking up the pace with 3 homers in his last 7 games.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks.  He deserved more offense.  He also deserves the award for Even His Owners Can’t Believe He Has a 2.65 ERA.

Kendry Morales – 2 HRs yesterday.  As someone in the comments pointed out the other day, April Grey had Kendry as a sleeper, July Grey had Kendry as a Sell.  April Grey says to July Grey, “You’re a moron.”

Brian Fuentes – 4 earned and no outs recorded.  Ow…  Wait, what?  Ouch…

Gordon Beckham – Now has two homers in the past two games.  C’mon, Ozzie, move him up in the order!

Garrett Jones – When I saw he had one RBI, I thought for sure he hit a homer and Yahoo just hadn’t scored it.  Alas…

Tim Lincecum – 9 IP, 0 ER, 15 Ks.  He would’ve had 18 Ks, but Adam LaRoche was in Boston.

Adam Lind – The Jays scored 11 runs, Lind went 0-for-4 — Ticker Tease!

Nolan Reimold – 2-for-3 as he stole his sixth base yesterday.  I get it, Michael Bourn is Fred Savage and he’s Judge Reimold.

In a tie game, Cito Gaston brought in his closer, Scott Downs, to work the bottom of the ninth.  Downs did that, then the Blue Jays scored five runs in the top of the 10th.  So with the game in the bag, Gaston removed Downs for a pinch hitter, right?  Nah, that’s what a normal person operating heavy machinery would’ve done.  Gaston let Downs hit.  Okay, so he told Downs to take three strikes, right?  No point in swinging up by five, right?  Nah, you’re thinking too logical here.  Downs grounded out to shortstop, injurying himself on the way to first.  If I were Downs, I’d rip Gaston a new one on his LinkedIn profile.  Jason Frasor or B.J. Ryan gets dibs on the closer job if Downs goes to the DL.  Probably Frasor, but knowing the fascination the Jays have with Ryan getting the job back, I’m not sure.  Ryan has pitched 5 scoreless in June.  I grabbed them both where I could.  Thankfully, Downs beat gout in like three days two years ago, so hopefully he can bounce right back.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joey Votto – He took batting practice yesterday and is only days away now.  We shall see, assuming we’re not dizzy.

CC Sabathia – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Only blemish was a gopher ball to Anderson Hernandez, but there’s no shame in that.  Hernandez already had one homer back in 2006.

Robinson Cano – 4-for-4 with two ribbies.  BTW, if you owned a major league team, wouldn’t you serve ribbies?

Chris Young – Headed to the Disgraceful List.  I wonder (aloud as it were) if the Padres will promote Mat Latos (No, that’s not an island in Indonesia).  As the Old Dirty Bastard once said, Latos is raw, but he does have 34 Ks in 28 innings in Double A.

Wandy Rodriguez – 4 IP, 6 ER.  Ouch… Sorry, what?  Ouch… Wandy, stop taking without asking.

Nick Markakis – Sparkakis!

Chris Volstad – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  This was a terrible matchup.  Some guys you just need to bench against American League teams.  I’m looking at you, Wandy.

Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks, 11 baserunners.  I’ll be gladardo when he’s back to facing weak National League teams too.

Casey McGehee – Before leaving the game with knee soreness, he went 0-for-4, which is not good enough for me and my Casey McGehee.

Mike MacDougal – A closer used in non-save situation would be a Kazaam!, but, well, MacDougal entered a non-save situation in the 8th inning.  Right now I believe Acta is treating his managing like Seniors in the last semester of High School.  He’s gonna be gone soon, doesn’t really matter what he does.

Jayson Werth – HR yesterday.  For full disclosure, I don’t own Werth in any league, so I wasn’t sure what he was currently doing.  He’s 10/10/.261.  This is exactly his *pinkie to mouth* worth.  20/20, .260 to .275, 100 Runs, 90 RBIs.  Bingo-bango!

Felix Hernandez – Two hitter.  Then there’s the AL pitchers who get to face NL teams.  Ah, yes, F-Her and the Padres. (Welcome, Googlers who were looking for info on that Miami priest.)

Dallas Braden – 6 IP, 2 ER.  Okay, Peavy is going to miss about 20 starts so this is one decent filled in start.  Only 19 more to go.

Jed Lowrie – Out on a rehab assignment and, barring any setbacks, could be a week or two away.  I have him stashed in a deep league. He’ll be put right back into the starting spot when he returns.

John Smoltz – Will return on Thursday to face the Nats.  I’d like to see Glavine and Maddux show up at the game wearing Nats jerseys.

David Ortiz – Hit another homer.  I haven’t seen any of homers this year, but this is the scene I’m picturing.  Count goes to 0-2… The ump takes Ortiz’s arm and lifts it.  Right before his arm falls back down, which will signal that he’s done, he reaches into his trunks and pulls out his eyedrops.  Drop in each eye as the crowd goes crazy.  Boom!  Home run as The Iron Shiek wonders how he got pinned.

Sean O’Sullivan – 7 IP, 1 ER.  Terrific debut for the Angels pitcher.  If you pick him up, you’re an O’Sucker.

Maicer Izturis – Yesterday, he hit his first homer in over a year.  So sick of taking DNPs from Julio Lugo in one deep league that I grabbed Izturis for one game.  Maicer!  What goes on?  Maicer!

Mike Napoli – 4-for-5, 9th homer and 3 RBIs.  About the catcher position, Ron Popeil says, “Set it and forget it.”

Joe Mauer – 4-for-4 and batting .429 on the year with 13 homers.  That would’ve been a good season for some guys.  Ty Cobb, for instance.

Ian Kinsler – 2 HRs.  You’ll take his 130 games and like it.

David Murphy – HR yesterday.  Sonavabench!  Murphy, you’re not even supposed to be starting against lefties.  What are you doing to me?  Why do bring agita to Grey?

Frank Francisco – After throwing yesterday, he said he felt like, “Money.”  If you’re not sure if that’s good or bad in a recession, it’s good.  He’ll be back in less than two weeks.

Jorge De La Rosa – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  To think at one time he seemed usable.  Rosa de la muertes.

Gil Meche – Shutout and he gets the Cards next.  Thank you, come again.

Mark Teahen – 3-for-4 night and batting .412 in his last 7 with a homer and a steal.  He’s batting 8th.  Callaspo and his .300 average?  7th.   Meanwhile, DeJesus bats 1st with a .240 average.  Can someone turn Trey Hillman’s lineup card upside down?

Nyjer Morgan – First homer since 2007, check him for eyedrops!

Justin Verlander – 4 IP, 5 ER vs. the Cards.  Wha’ happened?  This was a gimme.  Hopefully this isn’t like Groundhog’s Day with Verlander seeing Pujols’s shadow and now there’s going to be another two weeks of April starts.

Ben Zobrist – Did The Amazing Zobrist make another ball disappear?  Let me ask you this, did the Rays play?

Mike Hampton – To the DL with a strained groin.  This’ll hurt those leagues that only use Astros pitchers whose last name start with Hampton.

Ivan Rodriguez – HR yesterday as he tied the most games caught record.  In related news, Sammy Sosa was busted for a PED.  I think my 1998 Fantasy Baseball title now has an asterisk.

Robinson Cano? Please tell me you’re not going to suggest we buy into Robinson Cano? Please, Grey, I was beginning to find you halfway intelligent. Sorry, random italicized voice, I’m a glutton for punishment.  Someone has a terrific season the previous year (Pedroia) and I pull back.  A player craps the bed in the previous season (Robinson Cano) and I get excited about them. This is the story of my life with women too.  Kick me in the nads and I’ll buy you steel-toed boots.  (One thing I have learned, never — and I mean never — ask a girl what’s wrong.  Sweep that shizz under the rug where it belongs. Or better yet, pretend everything’s fine.)  Last year, Cano had a low BABIP for him and his line drive rate.  I won’t go too much into the numbers; I know that too many numbers makes your head hurt.  But Robinson Cano should’ve hit about .300 last year.  He was unlucky and ended up with a .271 average.  His line drive rate was on par with his career norms, actually exceeding his 2007 rate when he hit .306.  I usually try to avoid players that don’t know how to take a walk, but through his entire career he’s been this player and has done fine with this approach.  I don’t see Cano as someone that is going to breakout in 2009 with tremendous power and speed.  He is what he is.  Think 17/80/.300 hitter.  At 2nd base, there’s value in that.  Then throw in the fact that he’s usually only a 2nd half player, yet so far this April he’s been hitting the ball really well.  So to recap, never ask a girl what’s wrong and buy Cano.  Got it?  Good!  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy and sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Ryan Franklin – Shouldn’t be on waivers in any league at this point.  If he is, for shame.

Ryan Braun – Sticking with the newly established Ryan theme.  Braun says he’s fine, but these guys lie all the time.  So he is hurting.  Okay, let’s assume the worst case scenario is he slumps until June.  That’s a horrific slump.  A slump that will suck the life out of you.  In 2007, he was hitting .222 with one home run entering June.  He finished that year with 34 HRs and 15 steals.  Granted, he was just called up, but his ability to put up huge numbers in a short time still holds true.  Yes, buy a slumping guy who seems to be struggling with an injury.  You need alligator blood when the high bettor checks to you.

John Danks – Ooh, Verducci said he’s going to breakdown this year and I’m telling you to go out and get him.  Such a rebel! Danks is a third year starter and I do have a penchant for those.  In 2008, his walks were down, K/9 up, HRs fell… If not for a Snelly July of ‘08, he would’ve been a top 20 starter.  This is Danks.  This is your brain owning Danks.  Yay!  Any questions?

Kyle Davies – I hate picking up guys and then not starting him, but I also don’t want to watch a guy breakout on someone else’s team.  Tough call with Davies, but you may have to grab him then sit on him.  Try the torso, that seems most comfortable.

Jay Bruce – He’s exceptionally gifted.  I know, I know.  Exceptionally gifted in one hand and a hot Mike Cameron in the other and you want Cameron.  Patience is a virtue, or so I’ve read after a delicious General Tsao’s Chicken.

Aaron Hill – Aaron Hill’s Fan Club meetings got a few more members this week.  When I asked Rudy if his love affair with Freddy Sanchez would ever end, he said no.  Then rethought, and said maybe for Aaron Hill.  Somebody’s got wandering eyes!

SELL

Ichiro Suzuki – Stress free, Ichiro returned with a home run.  Now sell this schmohawk.  No, I don’t think you should sell him for a bag of buttered popcorn and a Buddy Biancalana rookie card, but if you can get a valuable piece, do it.

Heath Bell – Really I could put any top closer here.  If you need a piece for your team, the first guy you should be looking to trade is a closer.  They’re expendable.

Armando Galarraga – “He’s near the league leaders in Wins, ERA, WHIP and he makes a terrific Eggs Benedict.  Poaching eggs is not easy.”  The preceding was you trying to trade Galarraga to one of your leaguemates.

Jordan Schafer – He’s struckout 10 times in the last 15 ABs.  That’s brilliantly bad.  Not bad as in good, but bad as in bad.  Imagine he gets 500 ABs and strikes out 450 times.  That would be cool.

Emilio Bonifacio – Nobody puts Bonifacio in the corner!