Fantasy Baseball Advice

Ian Kennedy loves each and everyone.  That’s why he gave you 12 Ks yesterday over 8 innings while only allowing one hit.  You say, “No, he doesn’t.  He doesn’t even know me.  How could he love me?”  You remember when you couldn’t find a parking spot at Chick-fil-A last week and you were about to give up when a chicken sandwich fell into the flat bed of your El Camino?  That was dropped there by Ian Kennedy.  So you tell me he doesn’t love you.  You tell me he doesn’t love you when he has a sub-3 ERA over 216 innings.  Tell me that.  A 1.08 WHIP and 194 Ks, he gives you that too, unconditionally.  Tell me he judges you when you try to fashion a belt out of twine.  He doesn’t judge you.  He loves you.  Love him back.  I do.  As for 2012 fantasy baseball, I’m thinking Kennedy could be a tad overpriced.  Yeah, my love just went out the window.  His BABIP’s a bit low and his LOB% is a bit high.  She says she likes the ocean.  I’ll look at him more in-depth over the offseason, but he’s got FIPping problems I need evaluate.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Wily Mo Pena – 1-for-1 with 3 walks.  He has a career .303 OBP.  That’s like an 80 to 1 shot he can avoid making an out in four at-bats.  There must be a kid in a Seattle hospital who really cares about OBP.  (BTW, his hometown was the winner of the “Best Town To Substitute Into The Lion King Song” contest.)

Mike Carp – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and a homer.  Now has two homers in the last three games.  The one nice thing about playing for a non-contender at this time of year is the collective you has nothing to play for so players can go out and be selfish to prove their worth.  Unlike those silly playoff teams saving their players for games that matter.

Alex Liddi – 2-for-4 with a homer and he became the first paisan born in Italy to play in the major leagues in 50 years.  That’s a one spicy prospect!

Dustin Ackley – Mariners scored 12 runs and Ackley didn’t play.  Holy sit!

Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer.  Has tailed off quite a but after the ASB (.233, 5 steals), but his power numbers have stayed fairly consistent.  Definitely peaked in May but 4 homers in August isn’t too shabby.

Chris Parmelee – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in three games as he bats .368 through 38 ABs.  In related roundup news, Alex Liddi likes to call him Chris Parm.

Ben Revere – 3-for-5 with 2 steals.  Now has 32 steals and is getting dangerously close to the point where he’s going to elicit questions next year.  “Hey, Grey, magnificent ‘stache.  Magnificent!  So what do you think of Ben Revere?  Obvious bargain, right?”  A guy with no power, around 30 steal speed is a dime a dozen in most mixed leagues.  Good waiver wire pickup is different than a good draft pick.

Ricky Romero – 9 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Similarly to Kennedy, he has some FIPping issues too.  We’ll look at in the offseason.  We’ll debate, we’ll laugh, we’ll cry, we’ll scratch ourselves, we’ll scratch someone else thinking it’s ourselves.

Craig Kimbrel – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Bad week to quit closing out games.

Troy Tulowitzki – Getting closer to getting back on the field after taking batting practice and participating in other baseball activities.  Ya know, like spitting and grabbing himself.

Cory Luebke – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Even if this start was in Coors, it was another solid year for Hodgepadres, and next year I’m definitely drafting only Padres pitchers on one team.  I gotta try it before the apocalypse.

Octavio Dotel – Got the save yesterday.  Motte came in for the ninth, messed around and gave up a triple, double, but it was not a good day.  La Russa lifted him with the bases empty and now who knows who’s the closer.  My guess is it’s still Motte, but we shall see.  Or not.  Or probably.

Jarrod Parker – Was officially called up yesterday.  I already went over my Jarrod Parker fantasy.  I wrote it while waiting in line at the DMV to have them change my height from five-seven to five-eight.

Mariano Rivera – Everyone’s heard by now that he broke Trevor Hoffman’s save record.  Surprised there wasn’t more made of this, but another record was broken yesterday.  Kerry Wood was deemed “done for the season” before the end of the season for a record 11 of 13 seasons.

Matt Angle – 3-for-8 with 2 steals in the doubleheader.  Far from an exciting name, but if you’re desperate for steals, he should get them over the next week-plus.  That’s your Angle.

Jed Lowrie – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs, 3 runs and a homer.  Hasn’t been playing because of a bum shoulder.  Try some soap and getting rid of the shopping cart filled with junk.  He’s back now and, if his bat is hot, the Sawx will play him.

Geovany Soto – 3-for-3, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  I’ve been behind the scenes at Razzball HQ preparing the end of the season lists that will come in October and Soto wasn’t even in the top 20 catchers.  Though one big night may change that.  That was what they call a tease.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and 2 homers.  After the game, he dedicated the 2nd home run to his biggest fan.  Me.  At least that’s how I cut the interview together with my iMovie.

Omar Infante – 2-for-5 and his 6th homer.  Nobody puts Infante in the corner.

Brad Hand – With the innings starting to creep up, the Marlins might shut him down.  Right now, the Marlins are talking to the Hand.

Matt Holliday sat out yesterday with a hand-thinga-ma-injury — a tendon or a ligament.  Sounds like he’s going to miss the rest of the season, but for right now he’s only out for four (stutterer!) to five days.  I’ll tell you what I’m not gonna miss….  Matt Holliday.  A .295 average, 1 steal and 22 homers?  You know what that is?  A good season for Andre Ethier.  It’s not a good season for Matt Holliday.  Matt Holliday does more than that.  At least in my mind.  I’m not in your mind so that’s all I have to go on.  On the bright side, this injury didn’t cost a moth their life.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Randall Delgado – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  When it comes to pitchers, the Braves are like a cyclops with a monocle.  I kinda want to own all Braves pitchers in keeper leagues.  Wrap me up in a big ball of Hanson, Minor, Beachy, Delgado, Vizcaino, Teheran and Kimbrel and put me in Leo Mazzone’s lap and rock me to sleep.

Craig Kimbrel – Recorded his 44th save.  Now has 1.73 ERA, 0.99 WHIP and 120 Ks.  Member early in the season when you wanted to drop him?  Oh, you.

Alex Gonzalez – 2-for-3 with a homer.  After his 3-for-4 game on Monday, I was gonna mention how he binges on hits from time to time.  Well, I didn’t, but should’ve.  He’s now 8 for his last 11.  A’la Dave Hester, yuuuuuuuup!

Edwin Jackson – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s gonna be in this afternoon’s borderline starter post only because he’s unowned in far too many leagues.  He hasn’t had a bad start in a month and a half.  His season ERA is 3.71.  Gallardo’s ERA is 3.66.

Rafael Furcal – Left the game with a strained left knee.  Furcal looks like a utility man with more name value, a futility man.

Derrek Lee – 3-for-4, coming a day after a homer.  Sure, his name anagrams to Elder Reek, but you’re not picking up the tab for his Early Bird Specials, you’re just picking him up.

Ben Revere – Stole three bases yesterday, now has 4 steals in the last two games.  Revere, “The steals are coming, the steals are coming!”

Michael Cuddyer – 2-for-3 with a steal.  He hasn’t hit a homer since August 3rd and is three for September, batting .120.  My best edumacated guess is his wrist is bothering him.  His Wrist, “I don’t appreciate the accusation.”

Johnny Cueto – Left yesterday’s game with a strained lat.  On the negative side of things, he’s probably done for the year.  On the bright side, all of his owners avoided his regression the entire season and he ends the year with a 2.31 ERA.  Be fun to watch Murray Chass draft him on all his fantasy teams next year.

Juan Francisco – 2-for-4 and his first steal.  Okay, I’ll stop with the Francisco love.  It’s like I’m seeing a double rainbow.

Chris Heisey – 2-for-4 with his 16th homer.   On a related note, the Reds excite me for next year.  Think about Yonder, Mesoraco, Cozart, Franciso and Frazier with Dusty figuring out how to get Edgar Renteria into the lineup.  If that doesn’t get your blood pumping, check your pulse.  You might be dead, but then I’d wonder how you’re reading this.  Maybe from now on I should address everyone as, “Guys, three girls and one zombie reader.”

Clayton Kershaw – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 5 Ks and the umpire ejected him for grazing Parra’s elbow.  He could throw a bloody ax at Parra and he shouldn’t be ejected when he’s vying for a Cy Young and throwing a one-hitter.  That’s it, all umpires should be replaced with robots.

Matt Wieters – Third straight game with a homer, now has 20 homers.  Do you see how quickly a catcher can make his season palpable?  You Ron Popeil your catcher and set him and forget him.

Jim Johnson – Earned the Orioles 4th straight save.  Okay, I get it; you’re the closer.

Nolan Reimold – Him and Chris Davis both hit a homer yesterday.  The Orioles should trade for Ian Stewart so all my past hopes and dreams can be in one place.

Mark Ellis – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and a steal.  Potatoes to chips, he also has 2 homers in the past week.

Joakim Soria – Has a stiff hamstring and is day-to-day.  Yesterday, Greg Holland went Dutch on the 9th inning with Tim Collins, but ended up with the save.  To preemptively answer your question, I’d take Jim Johnson before Holland.

Adrian Gonzalez – Hit his 26th homer then left the game with a tight calf, which is less offensive than a loose cow.

Matt Moore – 1 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  The top prospect came into the game and did a lot of nothing.  Means absolutely nothing, but here’s the number one reason why this late in the season I avoid top prospects in redraft leagues.  It’s not worth the hype.

Alejandro De Aza – 2-for-3 and his 3rd steal in the last 4 games.  On a semi-related note, the White Sox outfield yesterday was Pierre, Rios and De Aza.  I get the feeling by the end of the year Ozzie’s going to kill someone.

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4 with the slam & legs.  That’s now 27 homers and 9 steals.  Not completely surprising with the steals, Scioscia likes to run.  “You can’t pitch around moxie!  Moxie doesn’t go through slumps!”  That’s Scioscia.  But with all that in mind, don’t see why Bourjos doesn’t have 40 steals.  Next year he will.

Cameron Maybin – 0-for-3 with his 36th steal.  I’m not sure what’s sadder, that Maybin’s batting third or that it makes sense that he’s batting third.

Brad Peacock – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  The understaffed Nats showed off their Peacock.  Pun point!  He’s actually been great in the minors with a solid K-rate and a 2.39 ERA between Double and Triple-A, but a rookie on the Nats…Eh, I’m avoiding for this year in mixed leagues.  In NL-Only, you obviously do what you do.  Also, he was listed in the top 50 fantasy baseball prospects post.

Lonnie Chisenhall – Homered yesterday.  If you feel like you’ve heard that before recently, it’s because you have.  He’s homered four times in the last week.

Brian Wilson – Threw a bullpen session yesterday and it looks like he might see some game action before the end of the season.  His fantasy owners and beard enthusiasts wait with bated breath and rugged looks.

Carlos Beltran – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 19th and 20th round trippers.  No relation to Jack.

Santiago Casilla – Got his third save yesterday.  Romo still hasn’t gotten one since he returned from the DL.  Cust kayin’.

Justin Smoak – Left the game with a groin strain.  This Justin, Smoak might be out for the season.

Derek Holland – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Two Hollands and one roundup!  One should change their name to New Amsterdam.  Holland scares me because of his occassional start where he’ll go 2 innings and give up 5 runs, but he has been solid in 8 of his last 10 starts.

Josh Willingham – 1-for-3 with his 26th homer.  On Tuesday I said, “The Other White Meat now has 2 homers in his last 4 games.  When he hits them, he hits them in bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Brett Lawrie – Collided hard at the plate with Jason Varitek.  That made for some interesting cinema Varitek.  Lawrie could’ve just slid and avoided the whole thing, then Lawrie left the game with a knee contusion.  #nahbuddy He looked fine after the collision.  Not F-I-N-E fine, but fine.  I’m not too worried, then again I don’t own him.  Muahahahaha…Wait, is that maniacal laugh aimed at me or you?  Hmm… Not sure.

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Sawx.  I’m guessing the only fantasy owners with all 208 and a third innings from Romero are those that abandoned their teams in March.  What a waste.  Is there anything sadder than an abandoned team?  You look at a team in last with Roy Halladay and you’re like, “Man, I wish I could get Halladay.”  Well, now you can!  There should be some kind of recycling program for abandoned teams.  Every Tuesday and Thursday, ESPN, CBS or Yahoo goes through all of its teams that haven’t had any moves made in the last two weeks and puts those teams curbside for people to pick through. “Ooh, an Asdrubal Cabrera!”  That’s you.

Alex Avila – Hit his 19th homer yesterday as he bats .301 on the year.  Seriously, there’s a lot of catchers for next year.

Ryan Raburn – 1-for-2 with his 14th homer.  Now has 2 homers in the last three games.  It’s worth a looksie for power.

Roy Halladay – Threw a shutout in just over two hours.  Rafael Palmeiro had erections for a longer time.

My dinner with Andre is over as Andre Ethier has called it kaput on his season.  It wasn’t from a lack of trying, I’ll tell ya that.  “Hey, I just want to say how much it means to me to try to help this team win even though I shouldn’t be playing.  This is my job, and I take my job very seriously, even if means I may never walk again because I’m playing when I shouldn’t be.  I will not sit, no matter what!  Unless someone asks me to sit because they realize I shouldn’t be playing.”  Andre encapsulates today’s athlete perfectly.  Team first, as long the player is okay putting team first.  For whatever reason, I wouldn’t be surprised to see Ethier overdrafted again next year.  People just can’t get enough of his 20 homer, no steal fantasy value.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dee Gordon – 4-for-5 with his 17th steal.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Seems like a no-brainer, which is my specialty.

Juan Rivera – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs.  He now has 32 RBIs in 45 games with the Dodgers.  Note to self:  Use Juan Rivera at a later date to show how arbitrary RBIs are.

Chad Billingsley – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  If he was a dangling Chad on your team, punch him out.

Vladimir Guerrero – 3-for-5 with his 12th homer.  After the game, he had vodka with coffee liqueur while arguing with Mark Reynolds about who was the best cosmonaut.

Chris Davis – 3-for-4.  This comes after an 0-for-10 stretch with 7 Ks.  He reminds me a bit of me at this bar the other night.  There was a point when I actually said the line, “What’s your man got to do with me?”  They don’t call me the Fantasy Master Lothario — or FML — for nothing.

Eric Chavez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs.  When Chavez goes up to bat, the song that plays is “I Suck, Sucker,” which I wrote and sang for him.

Craig Schwinden – 5 IP, 5 ER.  In the first row at Metco was Kim Basinger, she’s a total Babraham Lincoln… Schwinden!

Jason Bay – 2-for-4 with a grand slam in the first game of the doubleheader; 1-for-2 with a steal in the 2nd.  He now has three homers in the last week.  This will help the Mets, who are preparing a video of his week’s exploits with Joe Esposito’s You’re the Best playing in the background, which they will ship around to perspective trade partners in the offseason.

Mike Minor – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks and the conshellation prize.  Damn, really could used a 6 IP, 0 ER start from him, and, as always, this is all about me.

Julio Teheran – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He’s gonna be good, but this was no indication of that.  The Mets and Braves both looked like they just got done playing a previous game, which they did.

Brent Morel – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  You fancy mushroom!

Brent Lillibridge – Sticking with the Brent theme, Lillibridge was hit by a pitch that broke his hand.  He should’ve aqueduct’d.

Ian Kennedy – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, improving his record to 19-4.  Joe Kennedy would’ve been proud, then bought him an election.

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer.  He’s still struggling to maintain a decent average with all the Ks, but he has two homers in the last week.

Rickie Weeks – The Brewers activated Weeks from the 15-day DL that he was on for over a month.  15-day DL, “You exploit my generosity!”

Andrew Miller – 5 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I wonder who’s gonna be bumped from the Sawx rotation for the playoffs.  I mean, I have an idea.  Be weird if it’s Miller after Francona earlier in the year said, “Obviously, [Miller] is a huge part of our organization, and it’s going to stay that way.  He’s not going anywhere.”  Maybe he’ll say he was putting air quotes around his statement.

Colby Rasmus – Took live batting practice and should be good to go by early next week.  I’ve marked my I Couldn’t Care Less calendar.  We now wait.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4 with a homer.  I got a letter recently from one of our incarcerated readers, it went like this, “I don’t think you’ve given enough attention to Encarnacion.  He’s hitting the cover off the ball just as well as anyone else in the major leagues or the penal circuit.  By the way, you puta?  Yours, Boo-Boo.”

J.P. Arencibia – Hit his 22nd homer yesterday.  A catcher with power and a low average?  Oh, he’s definitely gonna be on multiple teams of mine next year.  That’s right, I’m thinking about my 2012 draft already.  Sleep on me, that pillow is where your head’ll lie.  Permanently, snitch, it’s beddy-bye, Eminem.

Ricky Romero – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Could I make R.R. Cool Jay (see resemblance to the rapper (actor?)) a starter on some of my mixed teams in 2012?  I’m contemplating it.  AL East be damned!

Chris Narveson – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He was good in this game, until he wasn’t.  Snap in the inverted W formation!

Cole Hamels – 9 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Season ERA is 2.60 and WHIP is 0.95.  Phillies are gonna be tough to beat in the playoffs.  Cust kayin’.

Chase Utley – Will sit out this weekend with what is being deemed a mild concussion.  I got one thing to relay about mild concussions… Justin Morneau called and said, “How come I’m wearing my mittens on my feet?”

Linguist, academic and all-around good guy with a lot of free time on his hands, David Crystal says there’s been no definitive research on how many people are actually laughing out loud when they type out el oh el  (Thanks, Wikipedia!).  I’m guessing the number is less than 50% and the number of people actually rolling on the floor laughing when they type that dopey acronym is far less.  I bring this up to impress on you the amount of things read on the internet that turn out to be false.  With all that said (and it was a lot, wasn’t it?), the internet tells me the Yankees are going to promote Jesus Montero in the next couple of weeks.  If you read that and no streamers or balloons fell from the ceiling, then pull the rip cord harder.  In keeper leagues, he should be owned already.  If he’s not, I’m assuming you’re in an NL-Only league or a mixed league filled with atheists.  Back in February, the two thousand and eleventh year of Jesus Montero’s call up, I gave him the projections of 20/5/30/.290 in 100 at-bats.  Still sounds about right.  I’m a God, mortal!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Hanley Ramirez – Day-to-day with a sprained shoulder.  That sounds like nothing for a guy who plays through injuries and just lives and breathes the game like he’s Luke Appling or some other old timey player.  Unfortunately, that’s not Hanley Ramirez.  My guess is he’ll miss at least five to seven games.

Omar Infante – 3-for-5, 2 homers.  Hmm… I feel like I heard about him somewhere recently…Something about how you should pick him up…Oh, I know.  I wrote it yesterday.  I’m a genius, even if I need the spellchecker to spell genius.

Jason Isringhausen – Screwed the turkey, or whatever that cliche is, yesterday for the second day in a row.  Give Bobby Parnell, who sounds like a character Don Cheadle would play, the closer job.  Sure, Parnell hasn’t been great, but at least he has a potential future.  What do you have to lose?  More games?  You can only lose one game at a time, which sounds like something Casey Stengel once said.  BTW, he really got the short end of the “That guy has the greatest quotes” stick compared to Yogi.

Johan Santana – Felt discomfort and is having his shoulder examined.  Maybe the Mets can trade Johan’s shoulder for Chipper Jones’s lower back.  Assuming they both pass through waivers.

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He only gave up one hit… A homer to Desmond Jennings!  Don’t you love when I work Desmond Jennings into other players’ blurbs?

Jose Bautista – 1-for-3 with his first homer since, like, when the U.S. gave Canada its independence.  Though I’m no history buff.  “Take hockey, ‘eh’ and weird police outfits.  Leave the Mckenzie brothers.”  That’s me at the Treaty of Vancouver.

Yunel Escobar – 1-for-3 with his tenth homer, and his first since June 30th.  Tends to hit a few after he gets one, so look for him to tack on.  Not tacky though, like that bald guy on Design Star.  What, I’m the only one that watches HGTV?  C’mon, three lady readers, where are you?

David Price – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks and wasted a Desmond Jennings’ homer.  See?

Ian Desmond – 2-for-3 with his 4th home run.  Has been so nonexistent for so long, I kinda thought he retired from baseball and opened an emu farm selling giant eggs.  Hopefully, if there is a God besides Jesus Montero and Jesus Guzman, Ian Desmond will get hot.

Michael Morse – 2-for-5 with his 18th homer.  Dash-dash-dot.

Derek Lowe – 4 IP, 7 ER.  Can’t spell Derek without reek.

Jose Constanza – 2-for-4 as he started in place of Heyward.  A’la George Costanza, “FREDI!”  Would’ve been awesome if Constanza would’ve went into the dugout between innings, then when his name was announced to bat, if he would’ve ran out with no shirt on. This Heyward/Constanza shituation is worth monitoring.  In NL-Only leagues, I’d grab Constanza for steals.  He did steal 49 bags in Double-A and 23 this year in Triple-A in only 86 games.

Chris Davis – 2-for-5 with his first home run for the Orioles, or the Orange Birds as no one calls them.  If you need to catch lightning in a bottle with power, Davis could provide it.  The preceding was brought to you by Bill James’ beard.  No, not that definition of beard.

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 24th homer.  Earl Weaver could’ve managed the shizz out of this team.

Brennan Boesch – 3-for-4, and his 16th homer and 5th steal for the nourishing slam & legs.  Tellin’ ya right now (as if that’s not obvious), it’s gonna be hard to figure out where to draft Boesch next year.

Alex Avila – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer.  His July (.197, no homers) kinda smelled like an old man’s fart, but every other month he’s been usable.

Edgar Renteria – 1-for-4 with a home run.  I’m not proud to tell you this, but I picked him up in one league where I was hurting for a middle infidel.  Sometimes trades give players a boost in the arm.  And sometimes you need a booster shot in the arm if you have the Renterias.

Homer Bailey – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Don’t care, I wouldn’t pick him up.

Garrett Jones – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers.  How dare you steal the thunder from the arrival of Ryan Ludwick! Assuming you can make sure Jones never sees a lefty on your fantasy team, he might be worth a look.

Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-5 and two homers as the Pirates pitching staff decided to suddenly regress to what they should’ve been all year.

Kyle Kendrick – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Somewhere, Joe Blanton, “That could’ve been me!  I swear!”

Troy Tulowitzki – Left the game after hurting his pinkiewitzki.  Should be fine to go tomorrow.  Hopefully, since his fantasy owners paid top dollar for his final two months of production.

Ervin Santana – 9 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Extremely solid start following his no-hitter.  Also, Johnny Vander Meer’s family can stop following him around now.

Mark Trumbo – Hit his 20th home run yesterday.  I get the feeling he’s going to take a big step forward next year.  Assuming the Sciosciapath doesn’t bench him for an Izturis, an Aybar or a Mathis.

Jason Kipnis – Now has three straight games with a homer.  “Why didn’t I pick him up?”  That’s you after you see someone else in your league grab him.

Phil Hughes – A complete game shutout! (Okay, the game was rain shortened to six innings, but whatever.  Final thirds are overrated.  I would’ve loved Inglourious Basterds without the final third.)

Matt Holliday – Hit his 16th homer and got his first steal.  See, just needed a little razzing.  BTW, do something, Pedro Alvarez!

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3 with his first major league homer.  Or as you say his name in German, Au Shit!

Hiroki Kuroda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks vs Latos (7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks) as the two offensive powerhouses, Dodgers and Padres, met in Petco.  Luckily, someone scored and this game didn’t need to be decided with a game of duck, duck, goose.

Mike Adams – 1 IP, 1 ER.  If there’s no Padre fans, is there still derisive laughing when Adams gives up runs?  Ponder that after three bong hits.

Some rejected titles were, “Cards Have Jon Jay, Rasmus Have Blue Jays,” “Cards Trade Rasmus For Queen Elizabeth-Visaged Cents On the Dollar,” and “Ervin Santana Threw A No-Hitter, Beltran Was Traded — Hey, Baseball, Spread Some Of Your Breaking Stories Around.”  So Colby Rasmus was sent to the Blue Jays, Edwin Jackson was sent to the Cardinals via Chicago and a whole lot of other shizz.  Let’s start with Colby.  Hey, Geiger, let’s go (to Canada)!  Rasmus will move into center field, sending Rajai to the bench.  I’m sure Colby will be empathic.  “One day we will write a song together titled, “Centerfield” using John Fogerty’s lyrics and music then we will sue him for copyright infringement.”  That’s Colby meeting Rajai for the first time.  Last week, I was down on Rasmus, in the non-sexual way.  Sick of watching him sit on the bench while Pujols farted in his general direction.  Now, much like a fugitive from justice, Rasmus has a fresh start in Canada.  His value definitely goes from a negative to a positive, Biggie.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Edwin Jackson – Another guy that gets a fantasy boost with a trade.  Any time you’re going from the AL to the NL, I like it.  Does he suddenly become the meow’s cat?  I’m not entirely sure.  His NL ERA last year was 5.16, his AL ERA was 3.24.  All of his good years have come in the AL.  Yeah, he’s a riddle inside of a Sphinx testicle.  In deeper leagues or just mixed leagues where you need to gamble, I’d grab Jackson and hope Dave Duncan can do the voodoo that he do.

Octavio Dotel – To the Cards.  I actually grabbed Dotel for potential saves in a few leagues because La Russa is as predictable as the weather….if you’re not told the location or the season.

Jon Jay – Should now see the majority of the starts in the outfield…Hmm, actually he was seeing the majority of the starts in the outfield.  I’m sure La Russa will find a way to work Corey Patterson into the equation, and that equation for him is Happiness = CF – Rasmus.  Kinda cute how much everyone wants to now own (anagrams!) The Federalist, whose line is 30/7/26/.312/5 through 260 ABs.  That looks pretty yawnstipating to me.  As a 5th outfielder, I guess you can do worse.  Speaking of which…

Rajai Davis – 1-for-3 with 2 steals as he makes a last ditch effort to prove his worth, but he now becomes a late inning replacement in Toronto.  Unless La Russa is traded to the Jays.

Mark Teahen – Was traded too.  So he’s still in baseball?  Good for him.

Marc Rzepcynzki – Traded to the Cardinals, disappointing many Scrabblophiles who were hoping he’d be traded to the White Sox to partner with A.J. Pierzynski and make Ozzie Guillen’s head explode.

Carlos Beltran – To the Giants.  Beltran’s a bigger name than Rasmus in real baseball, but for fantasy this move is lateral.  Pitchers park to pitchers park, weak lineup to weak lineup, both teams have employees with monstrous heads (Mr. Met and Bruce Bochy).  Mets or Giants is tomato/tomahto or in baseball parlance Jonny/Jhonny.

Brandon Belt – With the addition of Beltran, sounds like Belt’s being demoted.  You’d think the Giants’ pants would have loops big enough for two belts.

Lucas Duda – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer.  Will now be the guy to replace Beltran.  It’s Duda’s day, camptown races sing that song!  The positives: as just mentioned, he’s playing.  The negatives:  he hasn’t done anything so far this year — 2 homers, 1 steal in 123 ABs.  In Metco, he could have 20+ homer power over the course of a full season.  I wouldn’t pick him up in most mixed leagues until he gets hot, which could be never or Friday if he hits another homer.

Daniel Murphy – 11 for his last 17.  That’s about as hot as a schmotato gets.

Mike Pelfrey – 9 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Geez, the Mets played yesterday like Beltran was Milton Bradley (the baseball player, not the fun for all ages one) — a tumor that just needed to be excised.  I’d continue to ignore Pelfrey, unless he shows up at your door with some imported beer and The Wire DVDs.

Carlos Zambrano – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This trade deadline story made me giggle.  The Yankees went on record to say they have no interest in Zambrano.  “We’re not going to sit here and specify what players we have or don’t have interest in, except for Zambrano.  No, thank you!”  Maybe the Post can do the title, “Big Z-ero Interest.”

Rickie Weeks – To the 15-day DL with a badly twisted ankle or it might be… Duh-duh-duh… Ligament damage!  But I’m not a doctor though my handwriting is illegible.

James Shields – 4 IP, 10 ER.  Ouch.  Wait, what?  Oh, Jesus Guzman, that’s bad.

Hideki Matsui – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 9th homer.  He came to be called Godzilla because of monstrous homers and acne.  Well, he’s still got the acne and lately some homers.

Joe Mauer – Hit his first homer of the year.  Now only three off the Pinto pace car Morneau.  Or the same number of homers a 40-year-old Giambi managed in one game earlier this year.  How can Gardy ever get over losing Nick Punto when Mauer’s power stroke is always there to remind him?

Alex Rios – The White Sox are indefinitely benching Rios for indefinitely sucking this year.  His current 52 OPS+ is in the running for the WORST OF season ever.  If you’re in a mixed league and held onto Rios this long, just say Adios Rios already.   The White Sox still owe him $38 million over the next 3 years so they’re left saying “Ay Dios Rios!” while they wait for the 2006-2008 and 2010 Rios to reappear.  Between Rios and Wells, if the Blue Jays ever offer Bautista and his $65 million contract to you in a trade, DON’T TAKE IT!

Alejandro De Aza – 1-for-4 with a home run as he started in center.  In the minor leagues, he showed very little power and some speed.  He’s just a’ight.  I’m not your babe, I’m not your babe, Alejandro.

John Danks – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Hasn’t allowed more than two runs since May (granted, there was a DL stint in there).  Now would be as good a time as any to pick him up.

Ryan Raburn – 0-for-3 with a strikeout, now has a .259 OBP as he hit second.  You know he only hit second because Leyland always bats his left fielder (Boesch) 2nd and Raburn was filling in for him.  My theory’s holding true that, with the rise of cigarette prices, Leyland has been forced to use his extra lineup cards for tobacco rolling paper.  So he only has one lineup card and he just puts players in the same lineup spot as the player they are replacing.

Justin Upton – 2 homers.  He’s on one of those streaks that would impress A-Rod’s hair stylist.  You know, the one that frosts his tips.

Ian Stewart – 0-for-4, hitting .137.  Him and Chris Davis should go on a cruise together to the Bermuda Triangle.

Ichiro Suzuki – 4-for-5, 2 steals.  M’s must’ve worn their 2010 throwback jerseys.

Mike Carp – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs.  He really seized the day.

Dustin Ackley – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .301 in 123 ABs.  Let’s hope he doesn’t ask Smoak for his secret to a successful sophomore year.

Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  His ERA in May was 2.14, 3.13 in June and 3.09 in July.  That seems like enough time to pick him up, but his ownership is at 10% in ESPN.  You people have analysis paralysis or your waiver wire mouse finger is in a cast?

Garrett Jones – Hit his 10th homer, but Jerry Meals called it a triple.

Billy Butler – 3-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Gotta like the cut of that guy’s manssiere.

Eric Hosmer – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and a homer.  Is now batting near .500 in the last week with only one game in the last 9 days that he had less than 2 hits.  After hitting no homers and .253 in June, he’s on fire in July.  What an odyssey for Hosmer.

Laynce Nix – Hit a homer for the 2nd game in a row.  When he rounds home plate, he should make the Y sign from the YMCA dance.

Drew Storen – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Kazaam!

Ricky Romero – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  As frequent commenter, Steve said, “The Orioles got Rick Ro’d.”

Ervin Santana – With the no-hitter yesterday.  The Sciosciapath said, “What can I say?  Bobby Wilson just knows how to call a game.  See, I taught him everything I refused to teach Napoli.”  With no hits and 10 Ks, there wasn’t a whole lot for the fielders to do.  Maybe that’s a waste of Angels, I don’t know.