Fantasy Baseball Advice

Carlos Delgado might as well enjoy a Cocktail or two as he’s the latest member of the new hip injury (double entendre) – the torn labrum.  It took A-Rod two months to come back from this and he’s younger, in better shape, and a bigger poser (not sure how the 3rd point is relevant, just felt like saying it).  If you drafted Delgado, you’ve got to just let him go.  No use clogging up a DL slot except if you’re in a real deep league.  Forget the Mets replacements for now – Tatis, Murphy, Kranepool, etc – as none of them have 1B eligibility.  Hopefully you have another player for the 1B slot and can just grab the best 1B/3B available for cornerman.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Rickie Weeks – Weeks’s out-for-the-seasony is epidemic, ya’ll.  Hardy likes to hit 2nd and Hart or Counsell would make sense in the leadoff spot.  If Gamel plays 3rd, Counsell or Hall would be play 2nd.  Hall would get a nice boost in value if he gains 2nd base eligibility, which is to say he would go from no value to some value in deep leagues.  This Weeks injury should be a wake up call for all Blalock owners.  One day he’s hitting homers, the next day he has a root canal that sidelines him indefinitely.  Okay, Weeks, Nomar and Baldelli offer you a ride, but the catch is you can’t wear your seatbelt, do you accept the ride?

Mat Gamel – HR and error yesterday.  In 2007, Milwaukeeans called that The Braun Exacta.  Defense be damned!  Gamel got the start at 3rd.  I propose the Brewers correct Gamel’s defensive problems like how the Rockies went to the humidor.  They should put The Vacuum in Miller Park.  Whenever the visiting team is hitting, you turn The Vacuum to suck and watch as everything is hit to the right side.  The Vacuum sucks so Gamel doesn’t blow.

Kyle Lohse – 4 IP, 4 ER.  He’s not good.  Wait, do I hear an echo?  Oh, no, that’s just me the last five times he’s pitched.

Scott Richmond – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks.  Was a good match-up, still not a fan of his going forward.

Ross Detwiler – Was 0-3 with a 2.98 ERA in Double-A.  Sounds like he should be a starter for the Nats!  I wouldn’t go after him outside of NL-Only leagues and even there, I’d want to see more… On someone else’s team.

Joel Hanrahan – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Hanrahanahanananan got Kazaamahamahammed!

Glen Perkins – 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Got flapjacked by the Yanks and now is being sent to the Disgraceful List with elbow inflammation.  I don’t know who the Twins end up replacing him with, but two guarantees:  1) over/under on K/start will be 1.5 and 2) you don’t need to pick him up.

Carl Crawford/B.J. Upton – Rays scored a kajillion runs and they went a combined 0-for-6.  What a bunch of ticker teases!

Ross Ohlendorf – 5 IP, 5 ER.  The only thing standing in the way of The Dorf is his lackluster pitching.

Carlos Gomez – 4-for-8 in the last two games with a steal.  He’s starting for about a week with Young out.  Those desperate for steals may be able to sneak in a few for the next couple of days.

Mark Teixeira – 2 HRs yesterday with 4 RBIs.  Almost June?  Yup, makes sense.

Jason Marquis – 8 IP, 1 ER.  The Marquis de Sad did it to the Braves royally.

Bobby Abreu – 0-for-2, zero home runs and 14 steals on the year.  The Angels ended up with the 2nd coming of Reggie Willits.

Kendry Morales – 2 home runs yesterday to bring his total to 8 on the year while batting .289.  I realize he’s been yawnstipating in his career, but he’s having a solid year and could end up with 25/100/.280.

Russell Branyan – Hit his 10th homer on the year.  Hey, cheap power, say hello to your mother for me.

Vladimir Guerrero – Coming back from his torn pectoral to be the Angels’ Designated Hacker.  You have to think the pectoral plays some role in swinging.  Wouldn’t bet that Stitch Tits is going to deliver much more than an empty .280 average.

John Lackey – 5 IP, 4 ER.  Aren’t you glad you held onto him for two months?  His owners probably wish he would’ve just pegged Ichiro to start the game (Ichiro’s owners probably wish that too).  I think this was just rust with Lackey, I wouldn’t be too concerned.

Brandon Morrow – Pitched the 6th and 7th, giving up 2 earned runs.  The way he’s going he’s going to be pitching the 3rd inning soon.

Randy Wolf – Is he Randy for a win or Hungry for a win?  Either way, 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER should buy a brotha a win.  To give you a glimpse into my soul, I own Wolf in three leagues and I haven’t been disappointed at all.  56 1/3 IP, 46 Ks, 1.07 WHIP and a 2.72 ERA.  If someone was willing to give you Wolf for say the random rookie nookie you have (Zimmermann, Gamel, Parra), I’d do it.  I think it’s possible too, because Wolf gets no love.  In fact, I grabbed him off waivers in one of my ‘pert 15 team leagues.

Garrett Atkins – Getting benched by Hurdle.  Mrs. Garrett’s Atkins diet was more successful than Atkins this year.

Phil Coke – Got the save as Mo needed rest after pitching on Sat and Sun.  The last time Coke got credit for a Yankee save was when Steve Howe donned the pinstripes.

Joey Votto – Votto’s in the Scripps Clinic for an examination… E-X-A-M-I-N-A-T-I-O-N… Examination.

Well, that didn’t take long.  Rickie Weeks has swine flu in the wrist.  Anything negative health-wise wouldn’t surprise me with Rickie Weeks.  “Coach, Weeks got the black plague.”  “Wasn’t that only spread by rats 600 years ago?”  “Don’t know, Coach.  After Friday’s game, he was with some old broad who had snaggle teeth.  Might’ve been that.”  I wouldn’t be surprised to see this force Weeks to the DL then miss two months of the season because that’s what Weeks do.  It would be too convenient for Bill Hall to go to 2nd and Gamel to fill-in at third.  But offensively it would make more sense than the blahtoon of Counsell and Iribarren.  Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Carpenter – Returning on Wednesday.  I don’t think he gets to the All-Star Break healthy.  If you have Carpenter, you might think about hammering out a deal.  (<–Pun!)

Koji Uehara – 5 IP, 4 ER.  I still believe he’ll be better going forward than most doodes that are on waivers.

Andy Sonnanstine – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  As you probably heard by now, Sonnanstine had to bat 3rd for Longoria because Maddon was wearing his Monsters vs. Aliens 3-D glasses instead of his prescription ones when he made out the lineup card.  So my question is, how long do you think Maddon contemplated just pitching Longoria to keep him in the lineup?

Armando Galarraga – 2/3 IP, 5 ER.   A guy I’d pass over for Koji.  Give him a Stiff-Armando off your team.

Ben Francisco – 2 HRs.  Be(e)n quite the disappointment.  Might be the start of a hot streak though.

Luke Hochevar – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  Walks got to Luke HocheVarErich early as he gave way to the bullpen, including Ravishing Ron Mahay.

Brian Roberts – 4 steals this weekend.  Obviously the spark he needed was being in Friday’s Buy/Sell.  So what’s your excuse Lester?

Pat Burrell – To the DL.  Some fantasy owner’s voodoo doll finally worked.

Matt Holliday – 4-for-4, raising his average to .267, meanwhile, after an 0-for-12 weekend, Cust falls to .262.  Now if Ryan Theriot would return Alexei’s eternal soul, everything will be dandy.

Trevor Cahill – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  You know when I might like this guy?  2010.

Brad Ziegler – 2 IP.  He’s a middle reliever now, in case anyone’s holding out hope…. Or hoping for holds.

Josh Hamilton – 0-for-3 then left the game with a mild groin strain.  This is much better than the extra hot groin strain.

Jordan Zimmermann – 5 IP, 5 ER, 6.35 ERA on the year.  How about dem rookie pitchers?!  (Way off topic, but I had SportsCenter on in the background when I was writing this up and I think Magic Johnson said Kobe didn’t need penetration because he was busy getting his teammates off.  Whoa… Magic.  Family show!)

Chan Ho Park – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Give Happ the ball!  When I say Happ, you say “Hochevar.”  Hmm… Damn you, subconscious.

Johnny Damon – Hit a game-winning homer yesterday (as if no one heard) and now has 10 homers.  I think he can hit 22 homers on the year and still have lots of value, but he’s not going to hit 35 homers.  The time to sell is… wait for it… here it comes… you know what it’s going to be anyway… but you still want to hear it… so here it is… coming right after this ellipsis… wait, what was I saying… was this about Star Trek?  I saw it and liked it, but “Great?”  Not really.  Oh, and sell Damon now.

Kevin Slowey – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Probably the number one reason why if I trust a pitcher, I start them just about every time out.  When you start picking and choosing, you get Slowey for three runs in three innings and miss two earned over almost eight innings.

Gavin Floyd – 5 IP, 6 ER.  And this is why I don’t own pitchers who I don’t trust.  I wouldn’t want to start Floyd anywhere.

Aaron Hill – Another homer to bring his total to 11.  I wouldn’t sell him and could see him getting to 30 homers.  Zoinks!

Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 1 ER and 1 hit.  I could point you in the direction of Slowey and say the same applies.  And it does.  What I’ll add is, Kershaw needs to cut his walks otherwise he’ll hardly ever see the 7th inning.  Look at yesterday’s game as an example.  He gave up only one hit and he only made it to the 7th.  Pitch Economy 101 as taught by a former employee of AIG…

Chris Coghlan – If anyone’s paying attention to this kinda of stuff (and my guess is everyone is), Coghlan’s batting .167 and sat yesterday.

Juan Pierre – 3-for-5.  Hey, should I sell him high? First of all, random italicized voice, who’s buying a guy who’s on borrowed playing time?  Second, why not just collect the 25 steals he’s going to get in the next month and a half and be done with him?  Rhetorical!

Rich Harden – 6 IP, 4 ER.  Someone asked a very legitimate question about Harden on Friday, “I figured (Harden would be) either dominant or injured…I didn’t expect healthy and mediocre.”  Okay, maybe not a question, per se, but it brings up an interesting point.  Then commenter, Mark, answered with a little taste of brilliance, “(Harden) threw a ton of sliders last year, and this year dropped back to his 2007 level.  He appears to be throwing his changeup more than ever.  Velocity looks pretty good on everything….his fastball’s a good bit slower than it was 2 years ago but no slower than last year.  Here’s the biggie…he’s lost a ton of movement on his slider, particularly along the vertical axis.”  Also, Mark went on to notice that Harden may not be throwing his splitter at all anymore.   This could be the reasoning behind Harden’s mediocrity.  Or not.  But it’s interesting, nevertheless.

David Aardsma – Got the Win yesterday and will get the majority of the saves while Morrow tries to find what he’s looking for where the streets have no names.

Justin Masterson – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Throw out two terrible starts against the Indians and the Rays and he’d be sitting on a very pretty record right now.

David Wright – From what I hear from Joe Morgan, Wright took a long slide yesterday when he was caught stealing.  A long slide.  A real long slide.  See, the problem was the slide was very long.  Too long of a slide.  Joe Morgan sounded like Milli Vanilli when they were caught lipsynching or Raymond Babbitt at the blackjack table.  Say it once, Joe.  We’ll figure it out.

Brad Lidge – Got the save, but, check this, he wasn’t brought into a save situation until after two lefties faced some other doode.  Lidge ain’t off the ledge yet…

Darren O’Day – Got the save yesterday but only because C.J. Wilson got the save the previous two days.  Wilson’s still the fill-in.  I would own Wilson in just about every league except NL-Only ones, cuz then your leaguemates will just mock you.

Shane Robinson/Nick Stavinoha – If you know who either of these two guys are, you have a Willie McGee bobble head and you’re halfway through writing a book titled, “Whiteyball,” that will definitively answer all those crazy Moneyball people.

Here’s what I said last year about Mat Gamel and his comparison to Ryan Braun, “Ryan Braun, The Hebrew Hammer, hits for average, power and butchered plays at 3rd base.  Well, Gamel can slug with the best of them and plays 3rd like Jenny McCarthy in a celebrity softball game.  Not to mention, his name is almost Gimel, which is the third letter of the Hebrew alphabet.  The similarities are endless!”  And that’s me quoting me!  Wanna really blow your mind?  I wrote a Mat Gamel fantasy baseball outlook post back in December of last year.  Prescient ain’t just a word I can’t spell without Dictionary.com, it’s a state of mind!  So what can we expect of him, he’s better than Nolan Reimold.  Right now.  He can hit.  I could even see grabbing him in ten team leagues.  He could be The Difference Maker (which would be a great name for a professional wrestler).  The only thing holding Gamel back is he fields like he has two left feet — on the end of his arms.  If the Brewers dare to play him every day over their blahtoon of Hall and Counsell, you should play him too.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Ludwick – To the DL.  “Hello, Rasmus.”  “Hey, Duncan, you wanna play every day?” “Sure.”

Gerardo Parra – This one doesn’t walk people, he runs.  He replaced Krispie last night and might spell Byrnes on some occasions.  He’s a solid pickup for the speed deprived.  Parra’s upside is what Maybin should’ve done — 5 homers, 25 steals.  He shouldn’t be a liability on average.  Obviously, picking him up depends on your league, but he should be grabbed in all NL-Only leagues and mixed leagues deeper than 12 teams.

Nolan Reimold – Getting the call. Ceiling is 20 homers and a .280 average.  Let’s see, for right now:  Gamel, Reimold, Coghlan, Parra, LaPorta, in that order.  And all are better than Hochevar.

Bryan Augenstein – 6 IP, 5 ER, 3 K.  Augenstein reminds me a bit of Slowey because of how few walks he issues.  Just remember how Hochevar stole your innocence.

Carl Crawford – Left with a bruised shoulder.  Should be okay. Get well soon, Carl!

Adam Jones – Left the game with a hamstring strain.  Might be headed to the DL.  Somebody totally harshed his buzz.

Jimmy Rollins – In Premiere’s “Spotted” section, it said that someone saw Rollins do something productive yesterday.

Alexei Ramirez – 3-for-3 yesterday.  Do this for another month and we’ll be even.

Ryan Zimmerman – Here comes the 0-for-30 game streak.  Kidding.  He’s going to be a top five 3rd baseman this year.  Recognize!

Cliff Lee – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 Ks and the Win.  I’m done fighting it.  Doode turned a corner somewhere.  I’m not trading for him, but I can understand it.

Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 4 ER, 6 Ks.  More in line with what I expect from him, but still a few more strikeouts.

Jo-Jo Reyes – 3 IP, 5 ER.  Tommy Hanson begins to pack his Hypercolor t-shirts and Zubaz pants.

Scott Richmond – 1 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Told ya he wasn’t long for your team.  I wouldn’t start him again in any league.  As they say on shuffleboard courts, he’s kaput.

Ty Wigginton – Hit his 2nd homer of the year yesterday.  Shot in the dark here, but Wigginton gets real hot for a couple of weeks at a time.  This might be one of those times.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 3 ER.  He’ll be about a 3.25 ERA pitcher this year.  That’s very good.

Joel Pineiro – 6 IP, 5 ER.  See what I said about Richmond then multiply it by three.

Matt Palmer – Complete game, 4 ER to move to 4-0 on the year.  Before you get crazy with yourself, he’s a thirty-year-old rookie and he’s not Dennis Quaid.

Kip Wells – 2nd save and only one run allowed.  Kip walking into the clubhouse, “What can’t Kip Wells do?!  What!?”  Heckler, “Pitch effectively for any extended period of time.”  Kip lowers his head and sighs.

Ross Ohlendorf – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks.  Talk to the Dorf!

Juan Pierre - I love guys who steal bases up six runs.  You go, Juan!  Get you some, gluttony!

Shairon Martis – 7 IP, 1 ER and his fifth win (the Nats only have 11!)  With a first name like an Israeli prime minister or an Osbourne, you want to write off Shairon Martis, but he’s not pitching above his head right now outside from Wins.  I’d grab him in mixed leagues as a 5th starter.

Ryan Theriot – 2 HRs to bring his total of what the effs to 5.  Guess hiring Jose Canseco as his new strength and conditioning coach wasn’t such a bad idea.

Geovany Soto – Finally.

Chris Young – 4 IP, 6 ER.  Trouble with fly ball pitchers if the wind’s blowing out.

Adrian Gonzalez – 2 HRs and one call to his agent, “Can you get me out of Petco?”

Rickie Weeks – Hit his 9th homer yesterday and is hitting .286.    At some point, he’ll chuck in 15 to 20 steals too.  This could be the year where owners finally see what he can do when he stays healthy.

Ricky Nolasco – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  At this point, he’s probably ending up on waivers in some leagues, but if he’s still owned, I’d fleece his owners as they struggle to sit down.

Chris Coghlan – Member that month long leash Maybin had to hang himself?  Yeah, Coghlan’s now getting it. Hopefully, he can make a Windsor knot from the noose and call it a tie.

Dontrelle Willis – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER.  There’s nothing that a big Miguel Olivo hug can’t fix.

Brandon Lyon – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  You think when Leyland sent him out there for the 3rd inning he just wanted the game to be over so he could go have a smoke?

Garrett Atkins – 0-for-4, batting .195 on the year.  Clint Barmes is out slugging him .415 to .319.   In case anyone’s confused, Barmes is not having a good season.

Troy Percival – 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Wasn’t a save situation, but it was still a pounding.  I picked up Wheeler in a league, just in case.

Josh Hamilton – Two games from the DL.  Two homers.  As his street value rises.

Russell Branyan – HR yesterday.  I’ve owned him in one league all year.  17/7/31/.271 — Not bad, right?  Yeah, those are Prince Fielder’s numbers.  Branyan’s 20/8/16/.286/1 — And I didn’t draft Branyan in the 2nd round.  Cust kayin’.

It’s analogy time.  Stolen bases = candy.  Chris ‘Tall’ Young = baby.  Dexter Fowler’s 5 SBs are thus like taking candy from a baby (or, as Steve Rogers would sing, like takin’ can-dee from a bay-bee).  It’s hard not to love Dexter Fowler right now.  He’s everything we hoped Cameron Maybin would be.  He’s now to the point where he’s must own in 10 and 12 team leagues especially when facing the man we shall now call Cristal (Chris Tall) Young (as opposed to his doppelganger Krispie Young).  But he’s still a rookie OF straight from AA (insert trite Josh Hamilton joke).  His .335 / 9 HR / 20 SB line in 400 ABs at AA does not equate to much more than a 5th OF when equivalized for MLB.  But neither did Hanley Ramirez’s.  And you never know in Colorado.  So if he’s available in your league, you’d be more of a Dexter if you didn’t take a chance on him.  If he’s already snapped up, look to trade that bottom starter, reliever, or OF you’ve got.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brad Hawpe – Left on a stretcher after Hundley hit him in the neck with a pickoff throw.  Sounds like someone had some misplaced aggression about Fowler.  Hopefully Hawpe’s okay… Because I have him on a team!  No, I’m kidding.  I don’t own him.

Chris Young – 3 IP, 8 ER.  Starting a flyball pitcher in Coors is a risky propostion as it is, then throw in he’s clocked at about 17 seconds to home.

Hanley Ramirez – Hit by a Maine pitch in yesterday’s game, sending fantasy baseball owners to the ground screaming, “Why don’t you hit Maybin?!”  The x-rays came back negative, which is oddly positive — why they don’t just say it’s positive is a modern mystery for The Jonas Brothers to solve in a bad Disney Channel movie.  Hanley will probably miss a few days to give his hand time to be less boo-booish.

Joel Hanrahan – 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  Hanrahanananananan is one of my biggest disappointments this year.  All you have to do is save a game every 8th day, is that so hard?  Someone in the comments yesterday mentioned Julian Tavares as a possible replacement.  With a WHIP under 1 and a 3.12 ERA, it’s possible.  I don’t think Mock, who also gave up 3 earned in two-thirds of an inning, is the answer.  Kip Wells may be the answer.  Though the question is unprintable.

Ryan Madson – Got the save.  Brad Lidge has knee inflammation.  Which doesn’t sound bad until you realize that he had an MRI last week that was just disclosed yesterday.  So Lidge’s hurting for over a week with knee problems?  This smells like a future DL stint. Own Madson in every league you can.

LaTroy Hawkins – The Valgreen’s is shut down again for a few days.  A DL stint seems likely here, as well.

Troy Tulowitzki – The Rockies made a questionable move yesterday benching Tulo because of his slump.  He just needs to hit his way out of it and, as they say in the third grade, stop making a federal case out of it.  His BABIP is saying he’s been extremely unlucky.  Maybe he sits out for a few days, but I don’t think they’re boneheaded to hold him out for that long.  The good news is Barmes will play short and Stewart will see time at 2nd base.  I’m not paying a lot, but I am buying into a rebound.

Ryan Zimmerman – One N, 2 HRs.  I hated him so much last year that I’m finding it hard to get excited about Zimmerman this year no matter what he does.  Maybe if he stole 5 bases in a game…

Brian Bannister – 7 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit.  And six walks.  Belch.  You do what you do, but I wouldn’t start him in any league.

David Purcey – 5 IP, 6 ER.  Jose Guillen hit two home runs off him.  Someone needs to be on Bully Beatdown!

Anibal Sanchez – 6 IP, 6 ER.  Sticking with the theme of starters I’m not crazy about, here’s number three.

Rickie Weeks – HR and 4 RBIs.  Just stay healthy…. Or at least have an injury right before Gordan Beckham gets called up.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 1 ER.  2.19 ERA on the year.  Was really impressed with what I saw yesterday with Cueto.  He seems to be very composed on the mound and his stuff is filthy.  He won’t stay under a 3 ERA all year, but 3.50 seems attainable.

Carlos Delgado – News is this Latin 36-year-old is having trouble with his hip.  When Tatis took the field to replace him, Delgado yelled, “Stay off my lawn!”

Scott Baker – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 Ks.  Hey, it’s an improvement, right?  Now see if you can trade him.

Raul Ibanez – Grand slam, has 6 HRs on the year and a .342 average.  Sure, he’s not hitting .340 this year.  He won’t break 30 HRs either, but I don’t think he’s necessarily a sell high guy either.

Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 9 Ks.  Well overdue bounceback start from Verlander.  He’s a 4 ERA pitcher, so when you have a 9 ERA, you have some correcting to do.  Also, King of the Obvious says, “The Yankees are currently reeling.”

Tim Wakefield – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit.  That’s Wake on waivers.  Here’s you picking up Wake.  Here’s Wake giving up 8 earned in 2 1/3 innings.

Carlos Pena – 9th homer yesterday.  Could he hit 50?  Maybe there’s a 10% chance, but 40 is in his sights.  ‘Member when Sosa hit 20 HRs in June of ‘98?  Now some of my entire teams don’t have 20 home runs.  They do have 5 steals though.  AmblyDexterous!

Ryan Doumit went from sleeper to 2nd tier fantasy catcher last year after he managed to take a year off from his Glass Joe impersonation that dogged him throughout 2006-2007 (2006 = 89 games missed w/ hamstring issues, 2007 = 26 games missed with wrist, and then 20 games with ankle).  Actually, he missed 27 games last year with thumb (20), concussion ( 5 ) and the flu (two separate days), so even when he’s healthy he’s “merely a flesh wound” away from the DL.  He’s now out for 8-10 weeks.  Punt!  (Or stash him on your DL if it’s empty.)  I’d look at Baker, Salty, Shoppach or Hundley, all those names depend on league depth, of course.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Stewart – Has played 5 games in OF (3 started).  He’s 5 games played away from OF eligibility in Yahoo! and ESPN.  He’s already eligible in Yahoo! for 2B and is 8 games away from ESPN eligibility.  With the way he’s hitting (and Seth Smith and Spilborghs are slumping), he might get OF eligibility by the end of April.  As for 2B, don’t count on it.  He’s lucky to get 1 start a week there so maybe you’re talking sometime in late June – unless Barmes gets hurt (what are the exacta odds on Helton and Barmes being on the DL at the same time by end of May?)

Brandon Wood – Called up yesterday.  Wood has the oh-so-coveted superfecta of eligibility.  He should be picked up in all 12 team leagues and deeper.  I’d put his projections at 17/10, .250.  There’s upside on the power and speed and downside on the average.  Granted, I’m a big fan of Wood in the right situations, especially if you’re trying to start a fire.

Freddy Sanchez – Dirty Sanchez hit a HR yesterday off Anibal Sanchez, while Gaby Sanchez wishes he could’ve seen it.

Manny Parra – 4 IP, 5 ER, 4 Ks.  See he does strikeout a guy an inning! And walk a guy an inning.  And give up a run every inning.  I hate to defend this crappy of a performance, but there was a play that knocked Weeks out of the game that should’ve been the 2nd out of the 4 run 1st.

Kenshin Kawakami – 5 IP, 2 ER.  I watched this game because I had both team’s pitchers.  Let’s just say I wanted one to get the Win and one to get the Loss and it didn’t work out how I wanted.  Kawakami looked sloppy at times and other times overpowering with junk, if that’s possible.

Brian McCann – Fitted with new contact lenses and should be fine.  Now is it me or don’t you think when you’re paying someone almost $4 million for 6 months of work you’d have an eye doctor on call to check on contact lenses?  He missed games because of this mishegoss?  What the eff?

Brandon McCarthy – 6 IP, 3 ER. Still giving up too many homers.

Franklin Morales – Left in the 3rd with shoulder pain.  Um, not good.

Aaron Laffey – 7 IP, 1 ER.  Two decent outings with him keeping the ball down.  He gets the Twins next time out.  They couldn’t hit a home run if you spotted them to 2nd base.

Nelson Cruz – Hit his 6th HR yesterday.  Could hit 35 HRs and bat .260.  Cust kayin’.

Cameron Maybin – First HR yesterday.  That’s so Maybin!

Oliver Perez – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER.  He will give you severe heartburn.

Clayton Kershaw – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Now you buy him.  See how that works.

Rickie Weeks – Day to day.  Chipper, “Hey, me too!”

Toddy Coffey – Expected to get the saves while Hoffman is out.  Hoffman’s due back this weekend though.  Hastanueva!

Prince Fielder – Batting .163 on the year.  He’s killing me portly.

Matt Cain – 6 IP, 2 ER and the win.  I have a sidebet with myself that he has a better season than Lincecum.  I may welch.

Jake Peavy – 6 IP, 6 ER.  Peavy didn’t take his malaria pills and came down with a bad case of the Renterias.

Jay Bruce – Homered in his return to play.  Sonavabench!

Joey Devine – Will miss the season.  Left side of the mouth says, “Fore,” the right side of the mouth says, “Gone.”

Ryan Braun – 5-for-5, 2 HRs.  Rumors after the game were swirling that Moyer gave up both blasts so Braun would agree to a date with his granddaughter.

Mark Reynolds – HR yesterday.  Someone’s pulling away with the Davis/Reynolds HR crown.

Jarrod Washburn – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks.  He’s been dynamite so far.  I wish I had him in my AL-Only league, but I wouldn’t trust him in any mixed league short of a 15 teamer.

Ryan Freel – To the DL with head trauma.  He said he was fine and could’ve avoided the DL.  Farney thought better of it.